Gothix
by Moro-moro
Summary: How much strength does it take to live? To move forward even when your body no longer wants to move? What is that called? Maturity? Growing up? The only certain thing in this world is this: I cannot stand up on my own. AU; see inside for warnings
1. Lesson Plan One: Trials and Lessons

**A/N:** _Whee!! I loove this story so muuuch! Hah! Okay, so about the set-up, there are four types of chapters: Lesson Plan, Exams, Reteachings, and Lessons. There will only be ONE Lesson Plan, as it corresponds to a Prologue. Reteachings are flashback chapters, or chapters that take place before the actual story. Lessons are regular chapters, normally flowing in chronological order. Exams are major events, such as the three original chapters in the Gothix universe. (Which I will re-write to include more character POVs and the like). For anyone new to the Gothix universe, you can check out my story "Desperation in Tune", where chapters 6, 8, and 10 are the inspiration for this story. THANKS! _

_**Warnings**: Self Injury, Suicide, Blood/Gore, Angst, Murder, Child Abuse, and Rape. The rating will change within the next few chapters. _

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson Plan:** _Trials and Lessons_

_Holding breath… Holding tight…_

_To the sanity that holds down_

Footsteps echoed through the reverberant room, the bodies filling the room unforgiving in every step, punctuating them with a dull beat of a hundred tell-tale hearts.

_Sleepless dreams from a sleepless night; _

_All comes down to this…_

"Has the jury reached a verdict?"

_A life, in the hands of twenty four strangers…_

A clean-cut woman with an imposing face and short hair stepped up to the stand. "We have, your honor… We view the evidence circumstantial, and enough to cause reasonable doubt. Therefore, we the jury find the suspect not guilty on two accounts of murder one. We do, however, find the suspect guilty of two accounts of assault with intent to kill, assault with a deadly weapon, one account of resisting arrest, and three accounts of domestic abuse and violence."

The judge nodded, finishing the juror's sentence with a sharp bang of his gravel. "Bail is to be set at $300,000. Court adjourned."

Suddenly everything exploded. Media cameras went berserk, people screaming in protest. No one was quiet…

Save for the little boy in the front row. His face was pale as chalk; his eyes were as big as plates…

Then his father passed by, smirking as he was handcuffed.

'_You will be next, little Yuui. I __**will**__ come back for you,'_ the man mouthed, his head turning in smug satisfaction as he watched his little boy crumble because of his gaze alone.

"_**Why can't you see that he killed him?! Why can't you see that he **__**killed**__** Fai?! He hurt me and momma and my brother! Why are you doing this! He did it! Can't you tell!? Or is it just because he's older than I am?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US?!**_"

The little boy screamed and cried beating his fists against the wooden benches until his hands were bleeding from the force he exerted. What was left of the jury looked at him in pity, their eyes guilty and downcast.

The little boy's lawyer rushed forward, scooping him up into their arms.

"You'll be safe, we promise you," she murmured. "He _won't_ come back for you… _I promise_."

**-TWELVE YEARS LATER-**

The little boy was all grown up now, standing in the hallway of that same courthouse, shaking.

"I can't do this," he groaned, slumping against the wall. "I can't do this. I can't do this… Oh, gods… help me!"

"Don't say that. You're strong enough to do it."

A pair of arms that weren't there before wrapped themselves tenderly around the boy's waist, cradling the ashen, broken body against his own.

"Oh, why did I delude myself…? The case was thrown out later because of reasonable doubt… The doubt I instilled! He won all those years ago… now… he's going to win again…"

"You have something you didn't have then."

"What? More scars? More trauma?" The boy scoffed.

"No. _Me_. And I'm testifying right alongside you. If they doubt you, I'll tear their freaking heads off…"

The boy laughed quietly… "Keep me safe."

"I promise."

The two men embraced tightly, fear and doubt overtaking every single breath. Doubt for the near future, for the delicacy of their conjoined mental state…

But there was one future that was undoubtedly sure… _theirs_… The small rings that sparkled on their mirrored fingers assured them of that.


	2. Reteaching One: Before You and I

**A/N: **_Hm… if you want examples of what Fai is composing and listening to, go listen to "BT", "Ruthless", and "Unhallowed", by Yuki Kajiura. (Who is brilliant!) Kurogane is a year ahead of Fai and the rest, so he's a freshman at Koryo High while Fai's an eighth grader at Koryo Middle. So how __**do**__ they meet; it seemed as if Fai knew him when they met in Pain… Hm… I'll have to expound upon this, ne? This chapter is basically character development and background. It's important, though, because both Fai and Kuro go through major changes before they meet, and as they meet. As this chapter shows, they are completely and totally different, but on some levels the same. Some of this stuff is based off of stuff that's happened throughout my school life… _

* * *

**Gothix, Reteaching One: Before You and I**

_Red; the metallic scent of copper filled the air, bringing bile to the back of his throat. His vision tunneled black, and gracefully relieved him of the vision that would haunt him for eternity. Large hands, holding his mouth shut, holding him down as a body far larger than his own lowered itself onto him and into him. Screams tearing from his throat, dizzying blows delivered to him, one after another. His mother, crying softly, was holding them tightly to her chest, whispering empty words of salvation. _

_They would not be saved. They could not be saved. They were damned creatures from the beginning. _

_They were better off dead…_

_Blood. Too much blood. _

"_**NO!**_"

Fai bolted upright in his bed, panting heavily. He clamped his hand over his mouth, fighting the urge to throw up last night's food. However, the invitation was too strong for him to resist; retching, he leaned over the side of his bed, praying that he was at least lucid enough to vomit into the trash can he kept beside his bed for these occasions.

Coughing, he turned his weary gaze to the beside clock.

The bright neon numbers did nothing for his newly raging headache. The light pounded into his retinas, threatening a migraine.

He groaned. He'd managed to beat his alarm clock by three hours. He flopped back into his bed, shivering heavily. It was useless trying to go back to sleep now; it was too late to take pills, but too early to try and get ready for his first day of school in this town.

With a sigh, he stared up at the ceiling, swallowing against the acrid taste in the back of his mouth. He reached out, sliding his fingers deftly against the nightstand until they found his iPod. He switched it on and let the music take him away.

Lately, he'd been fond of composing his own songs, choosing instead of the heavy metal he always preferred to something softer. He let himself be washed in serenity for once, using violins and pianos to let his mind flow.

He took his inspiration from a Japanese composer; often staying up late into his sleepless nights playing keyboard, his headphones tacked dutifully in.

Music was the closest thing to magic he could find. He had found himself gifted at all things musical, like some where gifted in art or science. If he set his mind to it, he could play anything he wanted.

Music was the one thing he would willingly spend his money on. As he flicked on lights, he sighed, surveying his bare walls. Maybe he'd buy a poster or two.

His last foster mother, Misaki, had been appalled at how bare Fai usually kept things, as she was a rather cluttered person. One day, he came home, and much to his amusement, she had greeted him holding up two pails of paint, demanding that he choose a color. He could hear their laughter echo through the cold rooms, haunting him.

He sighed. He missed his room there. The apartment seemed far too big for him.

He leaned down and picked his violin up from a tattered sofa, playing along to his iPod.

The flow of the notes calmed him, filled him up. Sharp, sharp, whole note… rest… Up an octave, down… His eyes slid shut, and soon he found himself no longer following a set pattern, just playing whatever came to his mind.

Soon, he found the tune too melancholy to continue.

Not that he minded—he'd fiddled (pun intended) away enough time. He could now start to get ready for his first day of school, and pass off waking up early as nerves.

He walked back to his bed, and switched artists. He slid down the volume, courteous of his neighbors, humming along. He stalked to his bathroom, shedding his clothes as he went. He turned the shower on, waiting for steam to turn the air thick—it was only then that he deemed the water fit for his shower.

He stepped inside, sighing contentedly as the jets of near-boiling water seared his skin. Now he started his ritual.

He began to wash, meticulously scrubbing his skin until it was raw. Even then, he was still filthy.

_Red. Blood. Searing against his white skin, the blood was like rose petals against snow. Horrendously beautiful. It dripped from his hands, sliding down his skin, consecrating his sin in a bath of scarlet _

Seven years; it had been seven years, and he still couldn't clean the blood from his hands.

Once the water had cooled to uncomfortable levels, Fai stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist.

"What to wear?" he mused. It wasn't like he was overly conscious of his appearance, but, it was his first day of school at the local middle school.

"Maybe I'll have friends this time," he mumbled, drying his hair.

In the end, he pulled on black pants and a shirt, stuffing a sweatshirt into his book bag. He slid his music player into his pocket, pushing his ear buds into his ears. He glanced at the clock.

One hour.

He sighed. He'd just be early, then.

**XxXxXxX**

In his first five minutes of school, he'd noticed two things—the people in Koryo had no taste in naming schools (there were only three, granted, but, really they didn't all have to be Koryo such-and-such!) and that his new school was a maze.

"Excuse me! Do you know where the 500 hall is!?" Fai cried, trotting up to an administrator.

The woman was imposing, standing at least a foot taller than the already lanky Fai, in her black suit and high heals. She glared down at Fai, and he got the distinct impersonation that she didn't like him. "Why aren't you walking on the green?!" she snapped.

Fai blinked; he had no idea what she was talking about. "Because… I'm… new?" he guessed.

"Do not back-sass me! If you do it again, you'll get a pink slip!"

"But I _am _new!"

The woman magically produced a bright pink slip of paper from her pocket, holding it out to Fai.

The blonde blinked, and hesitantly took it. He studied it for a minute, and then groaned. It was like the demerit system at his old school—three or more of these 'pink slips' equaled a detention, and so forth.

"Now get onto the green and get to class!"

"Lovely," he muttered. This is what he got for starting during the middle of the semester.

Fai looked around, highly confused, until it dawned on him. On each side of the hallway, there were green paths about three or four tiles wide. Barely enough room for one person to walk, let alone the hundreds of students that were swarming the halls. He slouched, already about to call school quits and live as a hobo…

_At least hobos could walk wherever they wanted. _

He made his way to the green, looking completely lost.

"Are you lost?"

Fai blinked, looking around. The girl behind him waved quietly. She was small, with short auburn hair, and bright green eyes, dressed head-to-toe in black.

Fai forced a smile, "Y-yeah. I'm a little lost."

"Can I help?"

"Sure. Can you tell me where the 500 hall is?"

"The opposite way of where you're going," the girl admitted, "This way is the library and gym."

"What? But back that way are the 200s…"

"The school's layout doesn't make much sense. May I see your class assignments?"

Fai nodded, handing the girl his schedule. "I'm Fai, by the way."

The girl smiled, extending her hand, "Sakura."

Fai shook her hand a little hesitantly. He surreptitiously rubbed his hand on his pants, feeling a little awkward. He did _not_ like touching people. Too many bad memories came surfacing back. So he, unless civil manners called upon it, did _not_ touch people.

Sakura studied his schedule, and then beamed, "We've got the same classes," she declared.

"That's nice…"

"Okay, so, you want to go back down the main hallway, then go left on the 200 hall and near the middle, there'll be a branch off, and it'll be labeled. That's the 500 hall. To the right are the 500-A classes, and to the left are the 500B classes. I'll see you there!"

Sakura handed Fai back his schedule, then scurried off, meeting a rather awkward looking boy in the middle of the hallway.

With very confusing directions in tow, Fai (hopefully) made his way to his new class.

**XxXxXxX**

"Okay guys! We have a new student! Welcome him warmly, but right not now! Copy down the essential question and homework first," the teacher crooned.

Fai sighed; he didn't want a warm welcome. "May I sit down now?" he asked, wanting very much to slink into the floor.

The teacher (Fai didn't bother to learn her name; it started with an H…) smiled, "Of course. Just find yourself an empty desk."

Fai scanned the room, looking for open seats. There was only one. It was near the back, and the blonde made a beeline for it—back seats were his favorites. He could do whatever back there.

As he slid to the back of the classroom, he realized that Sakura was in the desk next to his, and behind his new desk was the boy she'd ran off to meet. He, too, was dressed in black.

Huh. Maybe they were the 'gothic/emos' of the school.

He sat down, and Sakura turned and smiled at him. "See, I told you that we'd be in the same classes!"

"Do you know him?" the boy asked, pushing up his glasses as he looked at Fai in interest.

"I met him in the hallway," Sakura confided.

Fai stared at her, "Aren't you too happy to be an emo kid?" he snapped, slightly irritated by the simple fact he was in a new environment. These things took time for him to get used to. (Too many papers to put _his _name on. What if he messed up…? What would happen to him then?)

The boy groaned, smacking his forehead. Sakura pouted. "I resent that term."

"Huh?"

"Emo, I resent it."

"Why?"

"It makes us seem like we're bipolar," the boy sighed.

"And you're not…?"

"Nope!" Sakura chimed.

Fai sighed, sliding his head down onto the desk.

It wasn't like Fai disliked school, it was just… he disliked the people. When he was growing up, he never had much human contact… so it was like that part of him wasn't developed. Not that he wanted to develop it—he was fine on his own… And it wasn't like he actually stayed in one place long enough to actually keep friends.

But, sometimes… it was just a little lonely.

As he drifted off to the lesson, he set a goal to himself…

'_Before I die… I'd like to have friends… and be loved… just a little…' _

* * *

Never before had Kurogane Suwa hated waking up so much. "Damn biology first period, shit," he swore, swinging his legs over the side of his bed.

"Kurogane!" Tomoyo warned, unfortunate enough to hear Kurogane's normal post-waking string of curse words as she skipped down the hall. "You live with ladies! We have delicate ears, you know!"

Kurogane stared at his cousin. He paused. Paused some more. "Shut up!" he growled, throwing his pillow from his bed. Tomoyo ducked daintily, giggling. "If you don't hurry up, you'll have to take the bus to school!"

The teen growled some more, running a hand through his hair. He rose from his bed, scratching. Maybe he'd skip biology…

No, then the teacher'd find out and she'd start to preach. _Again_. Really. That woman was insane.

"Fuck, I _hate_ biology," he groaned, making his way to the bathroom.

This time, it was Ameterasu who heard. "Shut the heck up!" she snapped, whapping her baby cousin upside the head as she slid around him.

The bathroom door was promptly closed in Kurogane's face.

_Women_.

He trudged back into his room, changing his clothes quickly. He shoved his half-done, half-assed homework into his book bag, then stuck his head out his door.

The bathroom door was still closed.

Kurogane groaned. He didn't feel like walking halfway across the house to go to the other bathroom, but he knew he'd have to if he wanted to brush his teeth or actually use the toilet. Ameterasu, a freshman in college, spent more time in the bathroom than…

Well, anyone he knew.

Not that he _knew_ a lot of people.

People kind of… stayed away from Kurogane. Not that he minded—he was infamous around the town for his horrible temper…

And more scandalously, the double murder of his parents. The boy had been in trouble a few times for threatening people who talked about it. He'd gotten it under control lately, with the help of a few visits to a shrink (he wouldn't admit to anyone that they helped, however).

Oftentimes, Kurogane was labeled as a problem child, and it was left at that. He'd already been suspended four times in his first semester in high school, and he was on probation on his kendo team. His grades were okay, but his discipline issues caused problems with teachers.

He could care less.

Frankly, Kurogane was a boy who didn't care much about anything. He didn't like school, he didn't like people, and he didn't watch TV or listen to music. He wasn't stupid, nor was he a genius. His only hobby was kendo, at which he was very good at. He was handsome for a freshman, looking a few years older than he was, but he didn't have a girlfriend.

Again, he could care less.

He took a very lackadaisical attitude about it all.

"Kurogane-kun, would you mind helping Tomoyo with breakfast?" Sonomi called, grabbing Kurogane by the arm as he passed.

Kurogane looked up at his aunt, who was pulling him towards the kitchen with one hand, fixing an earring with the other. "I can't cook," he said bluntly, pulling away.

"You can still help," Tomoyo called.

Kurogane sighed, surrendering to his cousin and aunt. He was already wise enough to know that you could never win against Tomoyo.

In the end, he was late for is practice (he still had to attend, even though he was on athletic probation), which made him late for class because he had to do the penalty exercises, which caused his biology teacher to chew him out, which made him a very sullen boy.

He sat in his literature class, his teacher, a one Haruka Doumeki, lecturing on Dante's "Inferno".

Kurogane flipped through the pages of his book idly, scoffing.

"Obviously, this guy's never been to high school… Or else there'd be another ring of hell," he muttered flippantly.

He was met with a chorus of laughter and a detention.

_Damn_.


	3. Reteaching Two:First and Foremost, Music

**A/N: **_I've changed Syaoran to Syaoron, like in the Horitsuba Gakuen comics, only switched!! The first song is "Maybe Tomorrow" composed by Yuki Kajiura, and will be reoccurring in this story; the second song is "Kaze No Machi He" from the Tsubasa anime. Translated, of course. This chapter is about Sakura and Fai's friendship. I was going to include his friendship with Watanuki, but I had to change it to a 'Lesson' chapter due to Fai doing his own thing. (He never listens to me!)_

* * *

**Gothix, Reteaching Two: First and Foremost, Music **

He had a keen eye. Within a few days, he could tell which clique was which. Unsurprisingly enough, Sakura and the boy behind him, Watanuki, didn't fit into any of them.

They were the 'extras' of the school… so it was only fate that Fai, someone who fate had already cast aside, put him with them… The ones that were dubbed 'imperfect' by society, juvenile as it was, flawed in some imperceptible way.

**XxXxXxX**

Somehow… he'd managed to attract two people. Sakura and Watanuki stuck to him like glue, and he couldn't shake them.

It wasn't unpleasant… it was just odd. The two were drawn to him, as he was likewise drawn to them. It was the first time he'd ever had friends, and he found himself able to forget about _him_ if only for eight or so hours of the day. It was fun.

It was the second week of school when he'd become friends with Sakura.

"What's your elective?"

Fai looked up from his math worksheet, blinking, "Elective?" he repeated slowly.

Sakura rolled her eyes, "You know, the class we leave for after lunch," she explained. "Do you have art or something?"

"He doesn't have art," Watanuki interjected, looking up from his own work. "Or if he does, he doesn't have it with Hokuto-sensei."

"I don't have a class after lunch. I just go to the counseling department," Fai mumbled. After lunch, he met with one of the school's shrinks, who, every day tried to 'help' him, crooning crap about PTSD and the importance of moving on.

Honestly, if they didn't know what had _really_ happened to him, how _could_ they help?

"Do you have office aid, then?" Sakura asked, leaning over to look at Fai.

"No. Why is this so important?" Fai snapped.

Sakura sighed, pouting, "Well!"

Fai surveyed the girl, who was now sinking back into her seat, sulking with her arms crossed against her chest.

"I mean, I just want to know why you're asking," the blonde corrected gently.

Sakura instantly brightened, "Well, even though it's for a few weeks only—we'll be changing electives soon—I wanted to know if you could transfer into choir! We don't have that many boys, and I really want you to meet my friend Tomoyo!"

Fai blinked, a smile working his way across his face. Choir. That was music. That… he could do. "I'll see what I can do," he said softly.

Sakura gasped happily, clapping. She could tell that Fai liked music. She could see it in the way his face lit up when she said the word 'choir'. There was something about the blonde boy that screamed 'I'm lonely!' to her. She wanted to reach out and hug him—even though she knew he would never let her. She desperately wanted to be his friend, to keep him company. She could tell there was something wonderful hidden deep within her classmate, something that, if he never got the chance to use it, would break him completely.

"I'll see you there, okay?" she said with a soft smile.

Fai grinned in return, "Yes!" he chimed enthusiastically, startling both Sakura and Watanuki.

**XxXxXxX**

"You should open up," the councilor, a woman named Fuu said, nodding. "I can't help if you don't tell me anything."

Fai sighed. She was nice enough, but she was intrusive. She thought she could help him. He didn't like that. He didn't feel safe around her, as if he had to throw up more guards than he already had just to say 'Hello'. "Maybe I don't need help," he said softly, tracing a line of embroidery on his jeans.

"According to your file…"

"Goddamn the file! It's just paper! It's not me! Who else can say whether I need help or not?!" Fai shrieked, flying to his feet. "For all you know, it may not even be true!"

His hands flew to his mouth. He clamped his fingers down around his lips, his mind screaming. He'd cracked. He'd let the façade crack. He almost spilled the truth. No. No. He didn't want to move again. Not to another town. Not to another school. No. Every time he moved, he was getting closer and closer to home. Like they didn't care where they put him.

Fuu looked at Fai, slightly startled.

The blonde hung his head. "I'm sorry; I'm just upset I have to be here… You see… I'd really like to go into choir. I like to sing, but my friends are in there…"

A smile spread across Fuu's face, and she leaned forward, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Friends? Who?"

"Sakura Kinomoto," Fai murmured, scuffing his foot against the bland carpet. Now what was that girl Sakura mentioned…Tomo… "And Tomoyo."

Fuu nodded, "Nice girls… Would you like to reschedule these meetings to once a month so you can go into choir?"

Fai nodded vehemently.

"Alright. I can do that."

A smirk spread across Fai's face. Score—adults were so gullible.

Fuu blinked, "Fai-kun…?"

Fai looked up, smiling innocently, "Yes ma'am?"

"Oh… nothing…" Fuu shook her head. It must have been the light… but for a second there, Fai hardly looked like a child, but a very twisted adult.

**XxXxXxX**

Fai wandered about the hallways, searching for the elusive 300 hall. "If the 200s are that way," he muttered, "and the 400s are in the middle of the school… Maybe on the other end?"

He groaned, picking up speed. He didn't really want to be caught in the hallway late.

After a few more minutes of searching (and swearing), he managed to find the chorus room.

It was a cozy room with four rows of raised seating, filled only half full. Sakura hadn't lied—the class was mostly girls. There were only one or two boys in the class: a small black-haired boy with huge green eyes and a boy with mismatched eyes, who was having a glaring contest with Sakura.

Sakura broke away from her glowering with a huge grin, "Fai!" she cried, bouncing up out of her seat.

Fai smiled, waving. He then turned to the side to smile bemusedly at the teacher, "Hi, um… I'm Fai Flowright," he said quietly, handing the teacher his schedule.

The teacher, a beautiful young woman with long hair tied to the side, smiled at him, "I'm Hisui," she said, "Sakura said something about a new boy. We need some. Subaru is too shy to really belt it out, and Li-kun over there is too busy staring at the girls," she teased.

Both boys turned bright red and shouted twin "Am not"s. Hisui grinned amiably at them, then turned her smile to Fai, "Sit wherever you're comfortable dear."

Fai smiled softly at the woman, unconsciously relaxing. He was safe here. Music had never, _never_ harmed him before.

Fai settled into a seat on the top row, behind Sakura's chair. She turned in her seat, grinning at him. "How hard was it to get it changed?"

"Not really. So who is everybody?"

"Well, that's Subaru, and over there is Hikaru, Hatoko, Mao, and that girl with the blonde hair is Kei," Sakura said, pointing to everyone in turn.

"She looks familiar," Fai mused, staring at the girl, Kei. Kei blinked, then smiled a cat-like grin.

"She should. Her twin brother is in our class. You know, Kazahaya Kudo-kun?"

Fai's face darkened, "Twin?" he mumbled, shrinking back into his chair.

"Oh, well… Koryo's kinda famous for it," Sakura whispered, fiddling with her bracelets. "Subaru is one, his brother's Kamui… There's Kazahaya and Kei, Seishiro and Fuuma—they're not identical, though— Hien and Souhi, Ruri and Hari, and Shaoran and Syaoron, Shaoran's over there," she mumbled. "And… then there was me and my sister…"

"…was?"

Sakura looked stricken for a moment, her eyes wide.

"You don't have to tell me," Fai said softly. In his heart, he knew… Sakura had lost her twin, for whatever reason. He felt a deep sorrow for the girl, a grief that mirrored his own.

"She died," Sakura mumbled. "When I was eight."

Out of the corner of his eye, Fai saw Shaoran stiffen, his fingers flexing slowly.

"I caught some weird cold thing, and I got better. A few days later, she… she caught the same thing… and died a few weeks later…"

Fai didn't like touching people. However, the connection he felt towards Sakura was enough to overcome his scruples and horrible memories. He reached out and gently patted her shoulder, squeezing lightly.

"I know. It hurts."

The girl looked up at Fai, frowning. Two weeks was enough for her to understand about this boy. He didn't reach out. He didn't go forward. He didn't touch. She wondered if he even loved. She was a naturally friendly person, so she had reached for him.

He didn't take her hand.

She had wondered if she was being annoying or if he didn't like her, but she continued. She saw that loneliness. It was tangible. So she still held out her hand.

He, just now, took it.

She watched his expression carefully, reaching up to squeeze his hand.

Fai's face was painfully adult. His eyes held a multitude of emotions that Sakura couldn't quite understand. He looked far too old to be in middle school.

Fai blinked; Sakura was staring at him. He smiled quickly. "I had a twin brother," he said with a smile, "We used to change places all the time. Completely identical, every detail. We even sounded alike."

"What happened?"

"He died with my mom and… dad."

"What?"

Hisui stood from her desk, clapping twice. Everyone fell silent.

"Okay, class! Today, I'll be introducing a new song! We'll be performing it for the assembly next week, so we're going to have to work very hard!"

"I think we should stop now. We'll take later," Fai whispered, pulling his hand away, the same smile plastered onto his face.

Sakura bit her lip, turning slowly.

For the next few days, Fai's smile never wavered.

He never once brought the subject up.

Yes, he'd taken her hand… but… now the question was… how long would he hold it?

**XxXxXxX**

Fai dumped his book bag next to his chair, running a hand through his hair. He was the first in class that day—he'd even made it before Ms. Hisui. He glanced at the clock.

"Oh," he mumbled.

The rest of the school was still at lunch. That day, he'd woken up sicker than normal, and ended up exhausting himself. He didn't want to skip school entirely, so he just skipped the first half.

Alone. No one would be here for at least five more minutes.

He felt like singing.

He tipped his head back, music sliding from his throat easily, as easy as breathing. He hadn't sung unaccompanied like this for a while, even now that he was in choir. He kept his voice low and slightly off on some notes during class—he loved music, but he didn't feel like getting extra attention.

Sakura stopped in the middle of the hallway; she could hear someone singing. She tipped her head to the side, listening. It was a sad, but pure voice, utterly foreign to her ears. She continued walking towards the sound, sliding into the choir room.

Fai stood near his chair, his hands clasped at his sides, singing with his eyes shut.

Sakura had never heard him sing like this. He had always been so quiet.

He let the last word of the song hang, until his voice fell silent. He couldn't go on. Not because he didn't want to… he just couldn't.

"Why did you stop?"

Fai spun around, looking rather startled, "Sakura-chan! You scared me!"

"Oh, sorry…"

"I stopped… well, because I don't know the rest of the song. I've not made it up yet."

"You write songs?"

Fai shrugged, "I compose too…"

Sakura beamed, dropping her stuff. "What key?"

"What?"

"What key was your song in?"

Fai blinked, mumbling his answer. He watched curiously as Sakura settled at the piano, stretching her fingers.

"Sing," she ordered.

He nodded, singing once more;

"_The moon is gone, and the night is still so dark—I'm a little bit afraid of tomorrow. For this day was so long and hard for me…"_

Sakura closed her eyes, picking out the notes. By the time Fai had reached the second line, she was playing the melody flawlessly, adding a slight accompaniment that a voice couldn't do alone.

Fai was surprised. Sakura was _good_! He kept singing, listening in rapture as the girl added layers to his vocals.

"_And I've lost some of the things so far I have trusted. Now I will close my heart and sleep awhile; bless my dream with gentle darkness…"_

He let his voice fade away, but Sakura kept playing.

Fai walked forward, watching her hands fall deftly across the keyboard.

He decided to change songs, test her.

"_Please, take me to the town of wind_

_On the other side of time;_

_Please, grant the dream_

_Of my pure white flower_

_Grab me by the hand with your gentle fingers,_

_And take me far away;_

_Guide me to your world,_

_So that I can be with you …" _

Sakura smiled, easily flowing from one melody to the next.

Fai kept at his song, watching Sakura's face. He'd never met anyone his age that had been able to play an instrument well. As he was growing up, it was always himself and _him_, and he'd been the only one who could play. Back in Jade, no one was really interested, and if they were, they were only beginners. He couldn't bond with them.

In a way, he supposed it was egotism that kept him away from other musicians. But this girl… surprised him. He would have never pegged her as a musician. Yes, she sang, but it seemed more of a social thing to her… but her playing… This was serious. He watched the joy on her face that grew with every note played.

Fai broke off, "How long have you been playing?"

Sakura looked up at him, her fingers falling motionless to her lap. "Oh, gosh… a long time. Since I was little. I surprised everyone with how devoted I was to it—I've always been a bit of a flake, really," she giggled. "So I don't tell many people. They tend to gape. Like this! " Sakura said, opening her mouth wide, trying to make her face go blank, but she ended up laughing.

Fai grinned, "Me too."

And then they were friends, simple as that.


	4. Exam One: The First and the Last

**A/N: **_I am in such a daze… I just spent the last 6+ hours watching Ouran High School Host Club… Ah…-wobbles, falls over- It's like black and white, that and this… Auuuugh... Too... much... happiness... -falls over in a shoujo overdose- ...__Other than blaming anime characters for my own problems, the last lines are a tieback to the original Gothix chapter, "Pain". The story should pick up the pace from here, now that general introductions are out of the way, the band's been formed (slightly), and Fai's discovered his 'cure'… From here out, the chapters will be getting longer, more graphic, and will include song lyrics! I'll warn a chapter in advance when the rating will be going up. Because, it will, believe me... -sighs- _

* * *

**Gothix, Exam One:** _The First and the Last_

Too numb.

Too dead.

Too little.

Too much.

Too alone.

Too surrounded.

Too afraid.

Too numb.

Too unfeeling.

**XxXxXxX**

_Red dripped down onto the once white carpet like rain. His mother, whose hair was once almost white was a red deep as the wine his father drunk. Her face was caved in—her body broken. He knelt over her broken form, screaming. _

"_MOTHER, MOTHER! __**MOTHER**__!" _

_His hands freeze over her body, unable to touch her unnaturally blue-white skin. He cannot fathom a world without her. He presses his body to hers, lukewarm blood seeping onto him. He flinches away, shrieking. _

_He scrambles backwards, hitting another corpse. He turns slowly in horror. _

_His dead face stares back at him, a perfect mirror in everyway—_

"_**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_"

He bolted out of his slumber, sitting straight in his bed, clutching his head. He panted heavily for a moment, then leaned over and retched.

_Every night! Every night! _

No, that was a lie…

For the past month, he'd been able to avoid the dream, avoid the pain. However, now, he couldn't run from it anymore, memories ripping holes through his body.

His teeth chattered as he pulled his blanket around him tightly.

He couldn't keep living like this. It was torture. He had to find a way out, no matter what it was.

**XxXxXxX**

Sakura sat on the stage, watching Fai, kicking her heels against the edge. "Why are we in here?"

"Better acoustics."

Sakura nodded as Fai strolled up the aisles, deftly jumping onto the stage.

"S'not my fault if we get caught," Watanuki mumbled, looking around. "This is trespassing… technically."

"We have keys," Fai pointed out, pushing the dark red curtains open.

"Which is stealing."

"Your mom's the principal—she gave 'em to you, didn't she?" Sakura asked, blinking up at Watanuki.

The boy shrugged, "Yuuko-san's not my mom," he muttered softly, "And," he continued loudly, "She says that if we get caught she's going to pretend she didn't know and turn us over…"

"To whom? Clow-san?" Sakura asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Kanoe-san."

Both Fai and Sakura shuddered; the main resource officer at their school, Kanoe was _infamous _for her nastiness. She was the woman who gave Fai his first demerit at the middle school.

"So we just won't get caught. No one in their right mind comes to a high school on a Saturday, Watanuki."

"Then are you in your right mind?!"

Sakura grabbed Watanuki's ankle and yanked him down, hissing in his ear.

Fai grinned, spinning in a circle, his arms wide open, "No, I'm not! I'm pleasantly insane!" he cried, his eyes closed.

That was the truth; he was slowly going insane… He'd probably gone insane ages ago.

Sakura grinned, leaning on her elbows, Watanuki as her cushion. "So why are we here? With our respective instruments?"

Fai smirked, pointing at Sakura, "Sakura Kinomoto! A keyboard genius at age fourteen! She has mastered at least five different types of synth players and is capable of creating any type of music with her deft fingers! She can also sing with the voice of an angel!"

Sakura stood, bowing to an imaginary audience. "You flatter me, Fai-san."

Fai turned his finger to Watanuki, "Kimihiro Watanuki! A spazz to some, a master with strings for others! This boy can play a bass like nobody's business! He also specializes in acoustic guitar! Give this boy a hand! "

Watanuki stood, brushing off his pants, "Nothing to it."

Fai then pointed to himself, "One Fai D. Flowright!" He sang, then waited. Watanuki and Sakura looked at him skeptically, leaning forward in anticipation.

"Guys," he whined, "I can't do my own introduction!"

Sakura giggled, "And one Fai D. Flowright-san!" she called, pointing to the ceiling, "He can play almost any instrument imaginable from the violin to the recorder! But his favorite is the electric guitar! His specialty however, is singing! One chorus from this blonde will make you think you've died and gone straight to heaven!"

"Or hell, depending," Fai purred.

The three burst into laughter. Sakura was the first to quiet. "So why _are_ we here?"

"Well, I don't think we should let our talents go to waste," Fai said with a nod. "I think we should make a band, just the three of us."

"We're too young for anyone to take us seriously," Watanuki mumbled, rolling his eyes. Sakura elbowed him, "You and your age complex," she mumbled.

"We're not doing it for attention, just for fun. As a release, you know?" Fai asked, "Will you do it?" he pleaded, biting his lip.

Sakura grinned, "I'm in!"

"Me too."

"Yes!"

**XxXxXxX**

Fai hummed quietly as he made his way out of Koryo High's campus.

"Oy, who the hell are you?"

Fai froze, turning slowly. A teen in track shorts and a tee-shirt glared at him, his dark hair falling messily into his eyes. Sweat clung to his skin, and his cheeks were slightly pink, like he'd just finished running a mile or something. The blonde was struck speechless for whatever reason, and just stood there, gaping.

"…?"

The boy raised an eyebrow, "Do you _go_ here?"

"Eventually, yes?" Fai guessed, shrugging.

The other teen gave a disgusted snort. "Then you should know that those back doors are locked. The main hall is open. If you're not here for the tournaments, leave before you get detention." The boy took a swig of a water bottle, and then walked off, completely ignoring Fai's existence.

"Holy _shit_," Fai breathed, clutching his chest. He felt his face grow hot and his heart beat wildly.

He supposed it was adrenaline from almost being caught, but he wondered why his heart still skipped when thinking back on the encounter.

**XxXxXxX**

Sakura looked up at Watanuki, "Say, Watanuki-san," she murmured, "How did you and Fai-san become friends?"

Watanuki looked down at the girl from behind his glasses. The boy was tall, so many people mistook him for being older than he really was, and for some reason, it irritated the hell out of him. "Same reason as you did, I suppose."

"He just seems so sad all the time," she murmured.

"Yeah," the bespectacled boy agreed. "When the quarter of art started, he'd sit next to me, but not talk at all. I didn't think he liked me."

"I don't think he likes anyone."

"He likes you, Sakura-chan… But… anyway, the day I brought in my guitar for the presentation, he started talking to me," Watanuki continued, "Like he'd never seen me before at all. Like music was a something that qualified me as an actual human…"

Sakura nodded in agreement, "It was like that with me, but before… I started talking about my sister… and he seemed so painfully aware of what I was feeling. He… told me… that he'd lost his parents and his twin brother just recently."

Watanuki's brow furrowed, and his eyes grew dark, "If he's alone, he would have a reason to be sad."

"You would know, wouldn't you?" Sakura asked sadly.

"I would know," the boy answered with steely determination. At present, Watanuki lived with a man and a woman who were good friends of his original parents. They had adopted him when he was four, after a large legal to-do when his parents disappeared one summer. He'd lived with Yuuko, the principal of the town's high school, and Clow, a detective, for his entire life, so they were like parents to him… But he could still remember losing his first set. He knew that not everyone was lucky like he had been. "…And if he's alone…"

"He's not! We'll be there for him!" Sakura declared.

Watanuki smiled, "You're so nice, Sakura-chan." He glanced at his watch, "Dammit! I'm late as hell!" he snapped, glowering at his watch.

"For?"

"That idiot Doumeki called me over to his house today!" he snarled, turning on his heel, "See you later, Sakura-chan!" he cried, rushing off.

Sakura waved, giggling. Once Watanuki was out of sight, she sobered. Fai was reaching desperately now. She could see it, the desperation behind his eyes.

She'd do her best to give him solid ground to rest on.

**XxXxXx**

_It's…_

**(I can't feel a thing…why can't I feel anything anymore?) **

_It's getting…._

**(Why can't I seem to wake up?)**

_It's getting worse. _

**(Why can't I get the blood off my hands!) **

**XxXxXxX**

"_It won't come off!_" Fai shrieked, his eyes flying open.

Twenty-one pairs of eyes turned instantly on him, and the blonde slapped his hand over his mouth.

_Shit! I need to watch what I say! _

"Flowright-san, would you care to explain your outburst?" The teacher asked, putting one hand on her hip.

"There's gum on my desk!" Fai whined, blushing deeply. "It's nasty!"

The teacher rolled her eyes, "On that note, everyone, you're dismissed for lunch and electives. Flowright-san, one more outburst and it'll be a demerit."

Fai hung his head, gathering his things. Sakura and Watanuki frowned, following behind their friend in silence. They knew something was wrong.

As they settled into their usual lunchtime nook in the library, Sakura decided to go ahead and ask the question that was on her and Watanuki's mind; "Fai, what was that about?"

"I said there was gum on my desk," Fai said, laughing as he fixed a goofy grin to his face.

"You were asleep when you screamed," Watanuki pointed out, handing out lunch boxes (he did not stand for his friends settling on eating cafeteria food).

Fai's face fell blank, "It's nothing," he snapped in such a way that it closed all conversation, no matter what the subject.

He continued to live in his own little world far into art class, a time where he should be paying attention.

"Alright, point the knife _away_ from your body. Don't cut yourselves open because that's more paperwork than I want to deal with," Hokuto sang, moving around the classroom.

Today they were making rubber stamps, and every child was equipped with an exact-o knife and a small slab of grey rubber. Watanuki sat next to Fai, cutting away at an intricate butterfly design, while Fai stared blankly down at his fern design. He slid the knife into the rubber, his mind a million miles away.

His hands began to move automatically, in slow, jerky movements as his mind slowly blurred away the scene.

Red spread out into his vision, more realistic than ever before. He could smell the faint metallic taint; feel how warm it was on his hands. He raised his hands, blood blossoming across his palm like a flower.

"Oh my god! Fai!" Watanuki cried, grabbing Fai by the wrist. "Are you okay?! Hokuto-sensei! Hokuto-sensei!"

Hokuto dropped what she was doing, and ran over to their table. "Fai-san?!" she called, taking her student by the shoulder, "Fai-san?"

Fai tipped his head to the side, staring stupidly at his hand. "It should hurt a lot," he said faintly, "But it doesn't…"

He was faintly aware of Hokuto prying the knife from his fingers, pushing a pass onto Watanuki, who tugged him out of the room, hands still clamped around his wrist.

"Fai! Fai! Can you hear me!?" Watanuki cried, tugging on his friend.

Fai didn't answer; he stared at his hand, then started to laugh, sinking to the floor despite Watanuki's iron grip on him. He hated blood, but…

This felt good. The pain was dull, pulsing under his skin in time with the blood that seeped out of the wound. He felt lighter, like with every pulse something escaped his body, euphoric. His hand trembled, and an odd smile passed across his face.

This was it.

And with this, his head cleared abruptly. He saw everything with shocking detail. He never realized that Watanuki's eyes were that deep of a blue, that the floor had small pebbles littered amongst the white marble…

"Fai!" Watanuki shook him, "You're bleeding! Badly! Get up!" he cried, trying to pull the blonde up.

Fai looked at Watanuki bemusedly. Even though he was thinking clear, he couldn't seem to function, odd…

"What's goin' on? Did you kill someone?" A tall teen walked up to the two, his arms crossed, eyeing the blood on the hallway floor.

Fai watched as Watanuki spun around, then gave a half-sob of relief. "No, he hurt himself in art," he explained, "I need help."

"Huh." A larger teen stepped forward and unceremoniously lifted Fai like a sack of potatoes. He began to walk, Watanuki scurrying to keep up.

"He's in shock or something," the bespectacled boy murmured, waving a hand in front of Fai's face. "He won't answer me, and he just collapsed, laughing."

The boy carrying Fai just nodded.

"Hey… Doumeki, what are you doing here?" Watanuki asked apprehensively, "Shouldn't you be at the high school?"

"I'm in that internship thing…"

Watanuki looked like he was about to say more, but they had arrived at the clinic before he could. "Um! Kakei-sensei?" he called.

A blonde man looked out from behind a curtain, then sighed, "Art class, huh?" he asked, stepping out, "I'll get him patched up. You two go find the nearest janitor and get him to clean up the blood trail that's probably in the hallway. Wouldn't want to leave evidence, now huh?"

"You stay," Doumeki instructed Watanuki, who nodded, watching worriedly as the school nurse began fixing Fai's wound.

As the antiseptic went on, the euphoria crashed. Everything began to throb, and he came off his high. "It hurts," he mumbled quietly. He looked to his friend, "You look like you just killed someone…"

Watanuki bit his lip, looking utterly relieved. "Fai… You're an idiot!" he exploded, "Weren't you listening to Hokuto-sensei! DON'T DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN!"

Fai laughed, raising his uninjured hand in surrender, "I won't," he swore.

… Too bad he wasn't going to keep that promise. He disliked lying to one of his only friends, but… that high was too good to pass up. For the first time in years, he felt unburdened. He wanted that again, that feeling of being human, that moment of icy-hot pain, then clarity. The _control_. The reassurance.

…The feeling of pain…

Because pain…

Is better than nothing at all.

* * *

**A/N2:**_ The chapter title refers to the first time they met as a band, the first time he ever saw Kurogane, and the last time Fai ever felt 'numb'._


	5. Reteaching Three: Man in the Mirror

__

A/N: "Easier to Run", by Linkin Park. Uh, well, I couldn't think of a better way to describe the turkey… stuff… that they serve on Thanksgiving. You guys know it right!? Looks incredibly nasty, but is _sometimes__ decent? (Nothing on home cooked, but that's beside the point.) So descriptions will be consistent with turkey… glop… Yeah, I lied, but this is the **last** Reteaching until it gets time for flashback mode. (I'm a mean teacher! I gave an exam before a real lesson!) …There was a certain part of this chapter that I couldn't write without cracking up. I hope you guys will laugh at it too. (I've made Shaoran more like CCS Shaoran around Sakura, snappish and a little bit rude. It's __**cute**__.) _

* * *

**Gothix, Reteaching Three: **_Man in the Mirror_

_He stood behind his father, staring frightfully in the mirror. His father traced the outlines of his reflections face pensively. He closed his eyes, bracing for a blow. _

_His father's angered face turned to him, "Which one are __**you**__!?" he hissed, grabbing him by the shoulders. "Fai or—"_

"_**That hurts**__," he whimpered, his head lolling back as the man shook him. He felt his feet lift from the floor, and he screamed, "No, no, __**no**__! Don't touch me, please, don't!" _

_His father sneered, tossing him aside. "Worthless. You're __**both**__ worthless…"_

"_Father…" he breathed, the room fading around him. He looked around, confused. Normally, his dreams took him to horribly familiar scenes of carnage. He stood shakily, surveying his surroundings. _

_He walked through empty hallways, his hands stretched out, leaning against the walls for support. Ahead of him, a girl spun to face him, outlined from behind by a blinding light. She leaned forward, then twirled again, running into the light. _

"_No! Wait!" _

_He stumbled forward, his feet hitting the marble floor in a dead run, chasing after the girl. He watched in dismay as a hole opened up underneath her feet. She turned her head to the side, eyes wide in horror. _

"_Sakura-chan!" he cried, launching himself out to grab his friend. Her body dissolved as his hands reached her, nothing but smoke between his fingers. He seemed to hover in the air for a split second as Sakura reappeared at the edge of the pit, reaching for him desperately. _

_He was then swallowed by the dark. _

_Falling, falling… Rain pelted his face as the scenery slowly became solid again. _

_He was standing next to Watanuki, looking up at the boy. His face was peculiarly blank, his eyes emotionless as the rain ran down his cheeks like tears. _

"_Watanuki-san?" _

_Watanuki didn't answer. He instead stepped forward. _

"_No! Don't do that!" He shrieked, grabbing at his friend's jacket. _

_The ground began to move, wrenching Fai away from his friend, pulling him from where Watanuki stood, standing on the edge of the black. It continued to hurl him backwards until he fell against a wall, weeping. _

_Blood began to bloom on his arms, flowing down in small puddles around him. Pain swelled in his body until it was unbearable, black swallowing him once more. _

_He sat in the dark, sobbing openly, blood pooling around him. Damp footsteps resounded in the darkness, coming closer to where Fai was huddled. _

_He looked up, a shadowy figure standing in front of him. He silhouette was so familiar for some reason, sorrowful and comforting. He reached out, his fingers scrabbling at the shadowy figure of the man before him. He struggled to his knees, "__**Please**__, don't __**you**__ leave me too!" _

_The figure was silent, warm hands closing around Fai's. Something shimmered on his left hand as he pulled the blonde's hands away from his body. _

"_No, no, no! I'll __**die**__ without you!" _

_The figure shook his head, leaning down, level to Fai. He cupped Fai's face in his hands, "__**Live**__," he breathed, stepping back. "You must live." _

"_Not without you." _

"_Just wait a little longer," the shadow murmured, slowly dissolving. The light from his hand grew brighter and brighter until…_

Fai woke, sitting upright in his bed, his hand outstretched towards empty air. Tears overflowed from his eyes, streaming down his face. He couldn't tell if the tears were new, or were from his dream, carrying over into the real world. He hunched forward, drawing his knees to his chest, rocking as he sobbed.

Who was that last man?! He filled him with such overwhelming sorrow to be apart from that shadowy figure. He was so sad that it _hurt_. He'd not felt that deeply in ages. He shuddered, unwilling to go back to sleep for fear of losing him, as well as his friends, over and over again.

**XxXxXxX**

"I hate to be rude like this, Fai-san, but really, take that hoodie off!" Sakura scolded, leaning back from her keyboard.

Fai blinked, fiddling with his guitar strap, "Why?"

"It's ninety degrees!" Watanuki interjected, "You're making us hot just looking at you!"

"Well I _am_ good looking," Fai murmured, fluttering his eyelashes.

Watanuki bit his lip, restraining himself. "Not… that… way…"

Sakura rolled her eyes, "Why are you wearing it? You know the lights get hot onstage," she inquired.

Fai squirmed, searching for a decent answer; "It's December!"

"…Even _outside_ it's sixty degrees."

Fai stuck his tongue out at Watanuki, "Where I'm from, it would normally be snowing this time of year! Sorry my body can't adapt! It just gives me the creeps to see people walking around in _shorts_ in _December_!" He threw up his hands to accentuate his utter terror, shivering overdramatically.

As his friends laughed, Fai ran his hands down his arms, biting his lip. The real reason for his sweat jacket was the bandages that ran up and down his arms. He hadn't developed a method yet, just putting the blade to wherever felt the best at the time. At first, it was harrowing; the thought of carving himself up like a turkey nauseated him. He began to wonder if he was messed up for even considering it…

But he still did it, and all those thoughts vanished in the seas of red. It never hurt while he was doing it. The razor just slid along happily, like it was just meant to do what he was doing. …It was only afterwards, after the bleeding had stopped, and he'd dressed the wounds that they burned and throbbed, reminding him of his sin…

He didn't care anymore; the pain in his heart lessened each time he inflicted pain upon his body. …He didn't _deserve_ this body anyway. He didn't _want_ to live at times. But he needed something that only he could do to himself, since even his life was now out of control…

Since the moment _they _were born, _they'd _been controlled, beaten, locked away, and…

_**Blood, blood… **__His mother's sobs, his mirror's bruises and breaks… the blood pooling around the floor where he lay, crying helplessly… Too young to understand. Too young to fight back. Too young to go for help… Too young to run… _

_Even if they grew old facing this torture, they could not escape without dying… _

_**Endless seas of blood...Endless seas of pain… **_

"Fai-san?" Sakura murmured, breaking the long silence. "Are you alright?"

Fai shook his head, "I wasn't sleeping! So, ah, let's start this song! Any questions?"

Watanuki and Sakura shook their heads, "Sakura," Fai asked, "Do you have the tracks synched up?"

"Yes, fair leader!"

Fai grinned and snickered, counting off. Sakura cued her synth, the song starting.

"_It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb;_

_It's so much easier to go, than face all this pain here all alone! _

_Something has been taken from deep inside of me,_

_The secret I've kept locked away—no one can ever see—_

_Wounds so deep they never show—they never go away! _

_Like moving pictures inside my head, for years and years they play…_

_If I could change, I would;_

_Take back the pain, I would; _

_Retrace every wrong move I made, I would,_

_If I could stand up and take all the blame I would… _

_If I could take all the shame to the grave, I would…_"

Sakura watched Fai sing, caught between a smile and a frown. Even though Fai swore he didn't want the limelight, she knew it would be a perfect place for him. This was his home. It was where he shined. If he had the chance, he could do wonderful things with his music. However, the lyrics were powerfully raw to her—like Fai was exposing some secret part of his life to them.

"Do you have something you want to run from, Fai-san?"

Fai looked at Sakura like she was crazy; the last chords of the song still hung in the air, and everyone was painfully aware of the silence that they faded into.

"…Doesn't everybody?" Fai asked tartly, strumming on his guitar absently. "I could be a serial killer."

"No way," Watanuki snorted.

Fai smirked, "I've spilled the blood of at least two people. It spread all over the floor like water, staining everything it touched. And all the while, they stared at me, blaming me with their dying eyes," he whispered.

"You could never harm a fly!" Sakura cried, "You're our _friend_, Fai-san! If you have something so hurtful that all you can do is run from it, you can tell us! We'll help you stand up and face it!"

A strange smile spread across Fai's face, "You know, Sakura-chan? …I think I may be in love with you," he said absently. "Will you go out with me?"

Yes, he liked Sakura all right, but not in the way he was about to pretend to. But he needed some claim to her, just like he made this band to make a claim to her and Watanuki. If he marked his place, they would not leave them. In the end, if he was the one to leave, it would hurt them so much more… but it was his heart, and he was not putting it up for torture any longer. They _would_ _not_ leave him. He'd make it so that they _could not_.

Sakura faltered for a second, her cheeks bright pink. Watanuki gaped in the background, pointing back and forth between the two, spluttering.

Sakura bit her lip, her eyes determined. This was her chance to help him. "Yes."

Fai smiled easily, "Good, or else I'd have to run for my life," he joked. "Shall we go on a date tomorrow?"

"I want to see a movie," Sakura said resolutely, her eyes a little harder than one would expect.

And then that matter was dropped entirely, leaving Watanuki confused, Sakura embarrassed, and Fai slightly awkward.

**XxXxXxX**

"_Why do you always leave me?" Fai cried, looking up at the man in the shadows. _

_The man said nothing, closing his hands around Fai's as always. _

"_Why do you never say anything?" _

_The man shook his head, leaning down, "Live. You must live," he whispered, stroking Fai's cheeks. _

"_Why do you always say that?! What if I don't want to live?! I want to keep dreaming so you'll tell me who you are!" _

"_Just wait a little longer." _

"_No!" _

_The light on the man's hand began to shine, signaling the end of the dream. It always ended here; the man was never revealed. He never said anything more than the first night he had this dream. _

_Fai launched forward, wrapping his arms around the man's waist. "It hurts when you leave me! I can't feel anymore when you leave me! I don't want to feel like I do." _

_The man ran his hands down Fai's arms, the blonde's shirt dissolving, revealing all his cuts and scars and bandages and blood. _

"_**Live**__," he urged, stronger than ever, "You __**must**__ live. You must, just a little longer…" _

_He faded away, leaving Fai wobbling and clutching at air. "Don't leave me—_

—I love you!" Fai sobbed, his eyes wide with tears. As he realized he was awake once more, a new wave of sorrow crashed over him.

"_Who the fuck is it_?!" he hissed, pounding his fists into his sheets, his arm burning in pain from his newest series of cuts.

**XxXxXxX**

"Did you sleep at all?" Sakura worried, looking up at Fai from her perch in his lap.

"A little."

"You never seem to sleep, why?"

Fai shrugged, "Nightmares."

Sakura frowned, "Well, my brother's boyfriend lives near a shrine… Do you want me to get you a charm?"

Fai blinked, then hugged her lightly, "No, no, I'm fine!" he assured her.

"Oi, Sakura, you're getting stabbed in the back," Watanuki commented, looking up from his book.

Sakura turned her head, then smirked victoriously, "Good," she said smugly, draping an arm around Fai's neck.

Fai tilted his head to look over Sakura's shoulder, "Ooh, geeze, that stare hurts," he muttered, "Is that who I think it is?"

Currently, a boy with mousey brown hair was delivering a fifty-watt death-glare at Fai and Sakura from across the cafeteria. His eyes were narrowed, and his brows were drawn tightly together, finishing with a deep scowl set across his lips. Fai squinted, then gasped when he saw the boy's eyes.

"Is that Shaoran Li?" he asked, utterly awestruck, "I didn't know he was capable of hatred!"

"He hates me," Sakura said tartly, "And I~! Ha-ate! Him~!" she sang, sliding off Fai's lap to her seat.

Fai looked to Watanuki who shook his head, drawing a line across his throat, trying to desperately signal to the blonde that the subject was off limits.

"Sakura-chan I don't believe you can hate anyone!"

"I thoroughly dislike him because he thoroughly dislikes me."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because _why_?"

"Don't start that game, Fai-san, it'll go on for forever," Sakura whined.

Fai smiled secretly, "If it's with you, Sakura-chan, I don't mind if it goes on for forever."

Watanuki made a gagging noise and Fai burst into laughter as Sakura gave a squeak of protest.

"Oh, are we practicing today?"

Fai shrugged, "If you guys wanna."

Sakura nodded, "Uhm… We were wondering… if you would… want to… participate in a contest," she murmured, looking up at Fai shyly.

"Contest?"

"Battle of the bands," Watanuki interjected, leaning forward.

"You see," Sakura explained, fiddling with her jewelry, her cheeks a slight pink, "We think you're a wonderful singer—"

"You and Watanuki are wonderful as well," Fai said, putting his guard up slightly. He didn't want attention; he didn't want eyes on him. He couldn't share himself so openly with large numbers of people.

"Well, yes… We think we could actually place…"

"I'll do it, on one condition," the blonde said tartly, raising a finger, "Sakura must be the one to sing."

"But you're awesome!" Watanuki protested, leaning across the table, "Why?!"

"I'm ignoring the slight criticism to my voice, Watanuki, but, I agree! Why won't you sing, Fai!?" Sakura cried, looking up at her boyfriend.

Fai shook his head, "No other way," he murmured. "I will not sing in earnest in front of anyone other than you and Watanuki, Sakura-chan." He stood slowly, surveying his two friends, "That is the only way I will participate with you two. I'll still compose and write the lyrics, but I will not sing."

He left for the library; later, Sakura and Watanuki relented to Fai's request.

**XxXxXxX**

"…Hey Watanuki, have you ever done anything _really_ bad before?" Fai asked, scanning the cafeteria.

"Uh… _no_."

"Have you, Sakura?"

"…Does writing on the bathroom stall count?"

"No."

A wicked smirk spread across Fai's face. "You say today's the traditional Thanksgiving lunch, right?" he murmured.

Watanuki nodded, "Every year, same crap."

"Let's go get some!" Fai announced, standing, yanking both Sakura and Watanuki up with him.

He dragged them through the line, each receiving some nasty looking light brown… stuff… on top of rice. They paid, then returned to their seats.

"Watanuki, do you want to create a distraction?"

"Depends," the boy muttered, pushing up his glasses.

"Fai, what are you planning?"

"Well, you said you wanted to go see that movie that opens tomorrow, right?"

Sakura nodded, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, I'm just making sure we can go," Fai hummed, spooning up a huge amount of turkey… slop…

"Oh… shit," both Sakura and Watanuki breathed. Sakura pulled on her jacket, zipping it tightly, and Watanuki stood, walking to the furthest end of the cafeteria.

Fai watched him, a devious smile playing across his lips, "Ready, Sakura-chan?"

Sakura ducked under the table, armed with applesauce and a handful of mashed potatoes. "Yes, boss!"

Watanuki made eye contact with Fai, who nodded.

Watanuki gulped, then spun around, pretending to slip, playacting a dramatic fall, crashing into the chairs, knocking over a few students in the process. Fearing a fight, all the teachers rushed over to the scene, clamoring to subdue the irritated students while trying to help Watanuki up.

That's when Fai lobbed the first wave of turkey… crap… hitting a boy named Ryuoh in the back of the head.

Sakura squeaked, throwing her own ammo in a different direction, then grinned wickedly as it made contact with the side of Shaoran Li's face. "Hit 'im!" she hissed victoriously.

Fai looked down at his girlfriend, "Remind me never to get on your blacklist, Sakura-chan!" he murmured, sitting back down, shoving his hands under the table, while Sakura made it look like she'd dropped an earring.

"Who the hell threw that?!" Ryuoh cried, "Is that a direct challenge?!"

"Don't act all innocent!" Shaoran challenged, standing, wiping the potatoes from his cheek, balling it like a snowball in his hand.

"So it was you, Li! You just can't get over the fact that I beat you in the 100M dash last month, huh?"

"Oh, come on, I won that by five seconds and you know it!"

Fai and Sakura watched the exchange in amusement, trying hard not to break out grinning. They could not have picked better targets.

Ryuoh grit his teeth, "Oh, stuff it, Li!" he cried, picking his peach cobbler up, hurling it at Shaoran. Shaoran ducked, and it ended up hitting a girl named Kaede in the face. She gasped softly, blinking. The girl next to her, a scary-looking eighth grader named Sai, picked up her tray and launched it in Ryuoh's direction just as Shaoran stood up again, covering him in that day's lunch.

More and more people got into the action, and as things heated up, Fai and Sakura stood at once, hands clasped, chiming, "_**FOOD FIGHT**_!" in their most angelic voices.

They were promptly hauled off by administration, who were ducking turkey… gunk… mashed potatoes, milk, cobbler, and the occasional vegetarian turkey-substitute. The two were giggling all the way to the main office, Watanuki joining them not too long after they arrived. They were all _so_ dead.

**XxXxXxX**

_Knock, knock_

Sakura frowned, muting her iPod. Sure enough, someone was knocking at the front door. She looked at the clock—it wasn't time for her father to be home yet, Touya and Yukito had after school practice, so they wouldn't be here for a while, and Watanuki was still under lockdown (he had to do Yuuko's paperwork at the high school and work extra hours at the curio shop she and Clow owned as punishment), so that only left…

"Fai?" Sakura called, opening the door. She made a rather disgusted face, moving to slam the door shut in her caller's face.

"Kinomoto!" Shaoran hissed, grabbing the door.

"Li!" Sakura growled, pushing against it.

They both continued to wrestle with the door until they were out of breath, Shaoran finally giving up. "Don't close it!" he ordered, his dual-colored eyes stern.

Sakura rolled her eyes, "It's my door, and I can close it whenever I want to!"

"I remember when you used to be sweet little girl, so what happened?!" Shaoran snapped, crossing his arms.

"_She died with my sister_!"

Shaoran froze, then looked away guiltily. He scuffed his foot, squeezing his hands around his arms. "So… uh… are you going out with that boy, Flowright?"

"Yes," Sakura snapped stonily.

"You don't seriously like him do you?"

"Is this the entire reason you visited, Shaoran-kun? To dissuade me from my boyfriend?"

Shaoran's cheeks turned red, and he glared at her, "You aren't serious about him are you?"

"He needs me!"

"If you don't like him, you shouldn't go out with him!" Shaoran cried, stepping forward.

Sakura glared, "And if not him, who should I go out with?"

"Well…I…" The boy blushed harder, kicking absently at the ground, fidgeting.

"You? Hah," Sakura sneered, "I know you only like me because I look like my sister! You feel sorry for me because I lost her! That's the only reason you even say you like me!"

"Like_ you_!? I heard him talking to you, Sakura-san! You feel sorry for him! Don't confuse yourself for me!" Shaoran urged, reaching out to hold Sakura's shoulders. She flinched away from him, biting her lip. "Sakura-san! I've _always _l-l-lov—!"

"_He needs me_, Li-san! I don't want to see you ever again! I hate you!" Sakura shouted, tears sparkling in her emerald eyes. She turned, slamming the door in his face, fleeing to the comfort of her room.

Shaoran stood in the doorway, head down. He clenched his hands, shaking slightly, "It's just too bad that I love you, then…"

**XxXxXxX**

Fai laid his head against the glass, sighing. He hated leaving Sakura in the middle of a date like he had, but the movie had become too much for his migraine. The mirror wasn't helping any, so he leaned back, studying his reflection.

He'd been suspended for two weeks, along with Sakura and Watanuki, so he'd been able to catch up on his sleep. The dreams of his… family… had deserted him, replaced now by the dream of the man in the shadows. It was driving him insane.

Blue eyes bore into his own, wisps of blonde hair falling into them. He reached up, pushing his bangs to the other side of his face, then bit his lip. This would be how _he _would look.

With shaking hands, he rearranged his hair, pushing his forehead to the mirror. "Oh, little brother," he sighed, "I miss you… what would you do if you were in my place?"

His eyes slid shut, his mind carrying him away.

'_Live_'

His eyes slid open, staring in the mirror. At the edge of the glass, he saw a familiar profile, his face even darkened by a trick of the light.

Fai spun around, racing from the bathroom. The man from the shadows was here. Who was it?! Was it someone he knew?

He scanned the cinema's lobby, empty except for a tall boy with spiked hair with a girl Fai vaguely recognized from behind. The girl turned, ginning as she pushed back her curly hair, and Fai sighed. It was Tomoyo. He ran his hand through his hair; it couldn't have been _her_.

His cell phone began to vibrate in his pocket, and he pulled it quickly out, hissing as the motion jarred a new set of cuts. "Yeah?"

"Fai? Are you okay?" came Sakura's hushed voice. He could hear the movie play in the background, a chick flick based on a hugely popular book that he'd seen Sakura reading… a lot.

"Yeah. I'll be back in there in a few," he promised.

"Alright."

Fai hung up, pocketing his cell phone. He halfheartedly waved to Tomoyo, who grinned back, and he made his way back to the movie.

He was seeing things now. _Wonderful_.

Maybe he **was** insane.

**XxXxXxX**

"Hey, who was that?"

Tomoyo looked up at her cousin, smiling innocently, "Oh my, Kurogane-kun, you're seeing things!"

Kurogane grit his teeth, "I am not seeing things!" he hissed, shoving a box of popcorn at Tomoyo, who took it gracefully. "That boy you waved to!"

"Oh, him! That's Fai!" She giggled, glancing at her watch, "Why?"

Kurogane shrugged, "He just looked familiar."

"You've probably seen him when you drop me off at school or at Sakura's. They're dating, you know! I always thought she'd end up with Li-san, but no! He comes in and swoops my precious Sakura-chan off her feet!" She crooned, spinning. "I wonder if he'll take her to the eighth-grade ball… If so, I absolutely must make her dress! She'll be the belle of the ball! Black tulle and lace would look absolutely gorgeous…."

Kurogane rolled his eyes, tuning out his ranting cousin. He had the oddest feeling that he'd seen the boy before. He couldn't place it… if he went out with one of Tomoyo's friends... that meant he was in the middle school… Which limited the places he could have seen him-- he never went anywhere except school, practice, tournaments, and the occasional Tomoyo-induced outing...

Finally it clicked in his mind; the boy was similar to the boy in his dreams!

Normally, Kurogane didn't dream—or rather, if he did, he never bothered to remember them. Lately, he'd been having this reoccurring dream—it was more like a nightmare—of a faceless boy in all black.

"_Who are you?" he barked, raising his fists defensively. _

_The boy tipped his head to the side, colorless hair flopping with the movement. No facial features were distinguishable on his white skin, shadows covering his entire face, save for his lips. _

"_Answer me!" _

_The boys lips parted into a sad smile, "You don't recognize me yet." _

"_No shit!" _

"_Just wait a little longer," he promised, reaching out, his cool hands stroking Kurogane's cheeks. Kurogane batted them away, frowning as a blue stone sparkled on the boy's hand. The only color to the shadow-like figure. The smiling lips twitched into a frown for a fraction of a second, then set back into a smile. _

"_One day," he breathed, the sleeves of his black shirt ripping themselves to shreds. Thousands of cuts spider-webbed across his skin, blood pouring out of them. _

_Kurogane flinched, reaching out to try and stem the flow, "What's happening?!" _

"_One day," the bleeding boy repeated, fading slowly, the blood continuing to drip. _

_And then Kurogane was alone, standing in a pool of blood, his hands drenched, just like that night when…_

And that's where he would wake, every time. Nothing changed. No matter what _he _said, the boy would never say anything different.

He snorted, shifting his popcorn in his arm, following the still ranting Tomoyo into the movie.

He supposed he was seeing things now. _Lovely_.

* * *

**A/N2: **_I like messing with their heads..._


	6. Lesson One:Before I Knew It Would Be You

**A/N: **_There was a major continuity error in a previous chapter, and I can't believe I missed it when I edited... Hell, I can't believe no one pointed it out! And it was a BIG one. I fixed it, though, so it's all good! Ah, anyway. SakuraFai... don't mind it too much, but it's just too sweet. (I was re-watching the OVA, and majorly gagged...) Has anyone noticed that at the very end of the credits, Sakura's wearing stuff from INFINITY? Hmmm... Interesting... Anyway, this chapter, first lesson! The title refers to two of the major relationships of the story, Kuro and Fai and Sakura and Shaoran. The end is sort of a preview to the next chapter, which will be in a song-fic setup, which will happen every now and again, due to the original nature of the story. Whew! That's a lot! (BTW, there are three couples in this KuroFai, ShaoSakura, and DouWata, in case you were curious...) Enjoy! (The rapid-fire updates while they last. I go back to slaving away at school soon.) Fai's singing "A Beautiful Lie" by 30 Seconds to Mars._

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson One:** _Before I Knew it Would Be You_

Everything he knew was most assuredly a lie. The only truths in the world were these:

The sun rose, school sucked, the cafeteria food would always try to run away when you picked up your fork… There would always be something floating in the milk, you could get high by walking in the social studies hall bathrooms, homework bites, the school was split into indisputably unmixable enemy factions that teachers always _tried_ to mix (it was like putting the north end to the north end of a magnet. Really. Teachers were _supposed_ to be smart.), homework bites, and that the sun set.

Okay, more truths in the world than there seemed to be… But, everything else… Those were lies. Like the guidance councilors really cared; like the nurse really liked sick people… Like you were really entitled to a fair and unbiased trial in court… Like parents always loved their children…

Fai swung his legs out of the bed with a sigh, eyeing the alarm clock distastefully. Once again, a day where he couldn't get a good night's sleep without those dreams haunting every second he spent with his eyes closed.

_Red. The heartbeat of a dying person, erratic beneath his small hands. The sound of a life breaking. Media constantly hassling his every breath. _

_Reaching out, losing his girlfriend, his best friend, his brother with every step. As he finally collapsed, the worst loss of all…_

_The man in the shadows disappeared once more, leaving him drowning in misery. _

The teen made his way to the bathroom, shedding his clothes as he went. He turned the shower on, cranking up the radio so he could hear it over the running water. Once steam turned the air opaque, the boy saw it fit to step into the jet of boiling water.

"_Lie awake in bed at night; think about your life, do you want to be different_? _This is just a game! It's a beautiful lie…_"

Fai sang along with the track, scrubbing himself clean of the cold sweats that plagued him and the dirty memories that stained him, but he could never quite wash away the scars that followed him. His fingers found the familiar tracks, carved into his flesh when it was young and older alike.

These scars grew with him, stretching as his body lengthened as the years aged him. But there were scars that crippled him that were incapable of growing and fading. There were new scars as well, pink along their jagged edges, still bleeding when touched and prodded. These were the least of his sorrows, the least of his pain…

In fact, it was these scars that took away his pain.

Still humming, the teen turned off the shower, reaching for the towel. By now, his alarm clock was going off, and he had roughly twenty minutes before his ride came.

He wrapped his towel around his waist, reaching for the hair dryer. He still continued to sing, even though it was impossible to hear the music through the noise.

After his hair was dried, he scrubbed at his teeth, then shut the music off, his morning ritual completed.

He sauntered into his room, pulled on the blackest clothes he had, ignoring the shirts that had labels on them, graying edges, the blue jeans with the frayed hems, the converse that weren't black. It was Monday, his black day.

Silver chains and red headphones were his only color. Black designs adorned his pants, traced with black sharpie, his shirt adorned with appliqué designs in black. Only the truest of his friends could pick out the designs. Only the ones who lived in the Black Monday would see.

Fai grinned to himself. He enjoyed his secrets, and his friends were some of the biggest secrets he had.

"We're performing today!" He cried to no one, swinging his book bag on. "I wonder what you would say if you were here, little brother…"

Fai looked wistfully over at his guitar; the band was more fun than he ever thought possible. Today, they were entered in yet another contest, having never made past preliminaries. This time, they hoped they had a chance of actually competing. He felt good this time, like they had a purpose now that they had a name…

_Fai lay on his back, absently strumming his guitar, "Sakura-chan, how are you doing on those lyrics?" _

"_I really can't sing your stuff, Fai." _

"_Your voice is lovely," Fai murmured, wincing as he hit a sour note. He moved to tune his guitar, Sakura huffing in the background. _

"_They're **your** lyrics!" _

"_Why yes, they are, darling." _

_Sakura came up and stomped on Fai's foot. He yowled in mock pain, trying to scoot away, "Angry girlfriend! Domestic abuse! Watanuki, help!" _

"_I'll show you domestic abuse!" Sakura warned, pouting. "But, seriously, Fai… These are your feelings. I can sympathize, but not empathize!" _

"_What's the difference?" _

"_The audience can tell!" _

_Fai sighed, "We've not won a competition yet," he muttered. _

_Watanuki shrugged, "It's not that we're not good—"_

"_We're missing something," Sakura finished, "Your voice!" _

"_I'll sing accompaniment, happy?" _

"_Better... I still think you should sing."_

_Fai made a face, "Maybe one day," he murmured. _

"_When's the next competition we're signed up for?" _

"_Few weeks." _

"_Do we need a name?" _

_Sakura huffed, "No, but I think the audience would like something other than 'Entry Number Whatever'…" _

"_What are we to the general public?" _

"_Who?" _

"_That's already been done, Watanuki," Fai scolded. Watanuki rolled his eyes, "I mean, who, as in 'who-do-you-deign-to-be-the-general-public'?" _

"_Anyone outside of Black Monday," Fai murmured, "That's my test." _

_Sakura and Watanuki nodded. Black Monday was a consensual test to see who was cool and who wasn't. If you wore all black, every Monday, no exceptions, then you were in. Point blank. It was stupid, but it was fun. _

"_So to them… We're just a bunch of Goths," Watanuki mumbled. _

_Sakura put her hand on her hip, "We're not gothic. Nor are we emo." _

_Fai sat up, his eyes darting back and forth, "Goths… gothic… Gothics… no… Gothix, with an '__**X**__' at the end," he murmured, breaking into a childish grin, "We could be the Gothix! That way, we won't have Sakura jumping down anybody's throat when they ask!" _

_Sakura and Watanuki were silent for a moment, and Fai wilted, "Or not," he murmured sadly. _

_The two laughed, "The name's perfect, Fai," they assured him. _

"_Then let's practice!" _

Fai couldn't say he disagreed with her that he should be the one singing—almost all the bands had female singers, so a male vocalist would really make them stand out. But he refused to budge any further at this point.

A car honked somewhere outside and Fai jolted out of his skin. "Oh… that's right! Doumeki always shows up early!"

Fai grinned and bounced out the door, eager to finish school already.

**XxXxXxX**

At Koryo High, there was a distinct social ladder, a complex food chain that was as fragile as it was intricate.

Not that it really mattered on a day to day basis, but there were times when this hierarchy really came back to bite people in the ass.

Like _today_, for example.

"Why the hell do we have to go talk to some brats?" Kurogane snapped, glaring irately up at the kendo coach.

"Because you're a role model," Kusanagi explained, rolling his eyes. "Not you in particular, but…"

The irritable freshman grunted, and sunk down into the bus seats, blatantly ignoring the rest of his teammates.

Kurogane was one of the few freshmen who had made a varsity team that year (and more than one at that), and as such, he had to accompany the rest of the teams to the annual orientation to rising ninth graders.

He wasn't going to enjoy it one bit.

In fact, once having arrived at the middle school, he sunk into the background, scowling.

He barely could stomach his own middle school memories! Why did he have to get dragged back? He scanned the crowd of eighth graders noncommittally, his eyes settling on a group of kids dressed in black, sniggering together from the back of the crowd.

Two boys and a girl, they were huddled together, laughing like they didn't care about the orientation at all. He recognized one of them, however, a brat with black hair and glasses. He'd seen him enough in the principal's office, skipping school with the pretense of 'going to work with parents'. Kurogane frowned; didn't middle school kids these days have any manners? He folded his arms, closing his eyes.

Some Monday. He'd rather be in math class, or hell, even _biology_. …And that was saying a lot.

**XxXxXxX**

"Aw, if I had remembered that orientation was today, I'd have skipped," Fai complained, dragging his feet.

"But, you've already missed too many days," Sakura murmured, poking her friend in the side. "From getting suspended and getting sick," she teased.

"Yeah, _and_ we have the competition at the Tavern today."

Watanuki rolled his eyes, "Not like we'd actually have to _go_ to school for that…"

Sakura shushed them quickly, grabbing the two boy's hands, dragging them along.

"Eh? Sakura-chan, what?" Watanuki inquired, stumbling along after the girl.

"Hyuu!" Fai cried, drifting along behind the girl. "What's the fire, Sakura-chan?"

Sakura's mouth was firmly set into a frown. "_He_ was staring at us," she muttered.

Fai looked over his shoulder, smiling blithely. Behind them was Shaoran Li from their homeroom. He was glaring resolutely at the three, his arms crossed, determination set into his face.

Fai laughed, hugging Sakura to his side. "You two are so cute! Why don't you go out?" he suggested.

Sakura stopped dead in her tracks, staring at her boyfriend/friend. "_What_?!" she shrieked. "You must be insane, Fai! Remember, _you're_ my _boyfriend_! You shouldn't be saying things like that!"

Fai shrugged and snickered, waltzing into the library, Sakura barging in after him, Watanuki following behind, making a weak attempt to stop them, more or less laughing at Sakura as well.

The three plopped down in the back, laughing silently.

As the orientation started, Fai leaned over and grinned at Sakura, "But really, what's your problem with Shaoran-kun?"

Sakura made a face, balling her fists, "Fine! I'll tell you! He let my goldfish die!"

Watanuki and Fai were silent for a long moment before dissolving into silent laughter, leaving Sakura irritated and blushing.

When Fai looked up, he briefly met the gaze of one of the high school students conducting the orientation. He hadn't seen the boy get up and speak, and by the way he was sitting, the blonde could tell that he wasn't going to. Other than himself and his friends, the boy was the only other one…

"Ooh, who is _that_?" he asked, whispering conspiratorially.

Watanuki looked up at the crowd, "The one talking? That's—"

"No! That one," Fai murmured, pointing to the boy in black.

"Oh, I've seen _him_ in Yuuko's office before."

Fai clapped happily; just what he'd been hoping for. "Who _is_ he?"

"His name's Kurogane Suwa. He's got quite a bit of a temper."

"You wouldn't remember him," Sakura said, nodding, "Because you're new. But last year…"

"He was a holy terror," Watanuki muttered, rolling his eyes. "He caused all sorts of trouble. Fights, stormed out of class… didn't he cuss out Fuu-sensei at an assembly once?" Sakura nodded grimly. (Fai didn't blame the teen.)

"He looks the type," Fai grinned. "I suddenly can't wait for high school…"

"Oh, Fai don't get involved with him! There are some _nasty_ rumors about him," Sakura urged. Watanuki nodded, "And all rumors have basis in the truth! He's not a good person at all!"

Fai waved them off; "Neither am I…" he smirked deviously.

Sakura and Watanuki exchanged glances that clearly said 'oh, dear…'. Fai had a certain look on his face… It was the face he got before he decided that a food fight was needed to 'brighten up' the traditional Thanksgiving lunch, before he asked Sakura out, before he decided that they needed to become a band… And Kurogane was the one person they would ever try to keep him away from, but...

Fai had decided on _something_, and there was no stopping him now.

**XxXxXxX**

Fai took one last glance behind him, just to make sure.

It _was_ that boy.

The one from when he'd almost got busted for being on the high school campus.

'_Kurogane Suwa, huh?' _

He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he felt like this boy was even more familiar to him than just seeing him once. He bit his lip, wracking his mind. The only thing that came to him was a crushing sense of urgency— He had to get close to this boy…

Even if it was just to satiate his curiosity.

**XxXxXxX**

He'd caught one of the brats from the back eyeing him about halfway through orientation. It was the blonde one, decked head-to-toe in black, and even though it was near eighty-degrees in the April weather, he wore long sleeves. He even wore fingerless gloves. It made Kurogane start to sweat just thinking about it.

He leaned his head against the window, staring lazily out the window across the aisle. He dimly recognized him from somewhere… He just couldn't put his finger on it...

He shrugged it off, deciding to nap for the next ten minutes to the high school. He was probably some kid he'd bumped into at the store once or some shit like that.

**XxXxXxX**

Performing for an audience wasn't bad at all. All his fears of being recognized and found out were expelled after their first performance as a band. Fai rather liked the lights and the thrill of being onstage.

…And he had to admit, singing for an audience was wonderful, even if it was just back-up like he'd promised Sakura. He enjoyed the attention, much to his surprise.

So he and his friends rocked out, hoping to finally make it past preliminaries on a competition.

**XxXxXxX**

"I think we could make it this time," Fai whispered to Sakura as they made their way off the stage, applause following them out.

Sakura nodded breathlessly, "Thanks for doing the backing vocals. It added a lot," she murmured.

"It would be even better if you had him sing all the vocals," a voice came, almost haughty.

Fai turned his gaze to the backstage wall, where a teen in black and chains stood, arms across his chest, leaning against the wall.

"And what would _you_ know about music?" Sakura snapped, stepping forward, animosity radiating from her posture, voice, and face.

Watanuki came to stand behind Fai, "Be ready to hold her back, Fai," he murmured. Fai shook his head, intrigued. "Sakura-chan wouldn't hurt anyone… I _think_..."

Shaoran scoffed, "I know enough to see that you can't keep up with all the synth tracks and sing at the same time. You're brilliant Sakura-chan, but not a god."

"How would _you_ fix it, Li-kun?" the blonde asked, stepping forward, gently pulling Sakura to his side.

"By doing what you're about to do."

"Which is?"

"Give this band a drummer," he said, nodding his head slightly.

"If I presented you with a new song, how fast could you learn it?"

"If it was by ear, I'd have to listen a few times through, but with sheet music I'd be made."

"How long have you been playing?"

"If you count pots and pans, my entire life," Shaoran said proudly. "Syaoron has his kendo, and I have my drums."

Fai sighed, mentally debating the sitiuation. He shook his head, holding up a finger; "Keep in mind this, Li-kun… I don't like you because Sakura-chan doesn't like you," Fai warned, "But I've grown quite attached to this band and if it can be improved… I'll do it. You're in."

Shaoran nodded, moving from the wall, his hands falling to his sides, relaxed. He then turned to Sakura, who was scowling heavily.

"Sakura-chan, I'm sorry," Fai murmured, looking over at the girl. "Do you mind?"

"Yes, I mind, Fai," she hissed dangerously, "I don't want anything to do with him!"

Shaoran smirked, shrugging. "Really? So sorry. _Not_."

Fai sighed, ignoring the brunet, "I know, but… I want us to be able to perform the best we can…"

"I'll forgive you if you sing."

"Why are you so damn adamant about that?"

"Because, it's your talent," Sakura murmured, "You can help people. You can help yourself with it. Reach out, y'know…"

Fai suddenly smiled gently, "You're a very sweet girl," he whispered, hugging her tightly.

Shaoran's smirk faded from his face; it was replaced with a scowl. He honestly didn't care whether these guys did well or not. But _Sakura_ did. She spent all her time with these guys, trying to improve this stupid band. She barely even spoke to her old friends anymore. It irritated him so much! He didn't understand what she saw in Fai… So he decided to do this:

Insert himself in her new friends so he could still be around her. He hoped that if she spent more time around him, she'd realize that she was lying to herself about everything. It was entirely selfish, but for Sakura, he'd do anything to get to her. For her to see him.

Fai eyed Shaoran warily. He sighed softly, hugging Sakura just a little tighter. This boy, he could tell, loved Sakura dearly, despite the girl's claims of his hatred. He'd have to relinquish her soon. He'd have to resend his claim… and pray that she wouldn't desert him.

_Not yet, not yet! _

Fai shot one more glance in Shaoran's direction, then leaned down and did something he'd never done before. He pressed his lips to Sakura's his arms looping around her waist, kissing her sweetly.

"Woah," Watanuki mumbled, turning pink himself. He rubbed the back of his neck, turning away.

Shaoran clenched his teeth, his fists balling, "Oi, get a freakin' room, Flowright!" he hissed, stepping forward to break the two up.

Fai pulled away, stepping back from Sakura, eyeing the girl warily.

Sakura's hand flew to her mouth, her cheeks red. "Oh my," she murmured, "I wouldn't advise doing that around oniichan."

Fai crossed his arms, chuckling, "Only if I have a death wish; Tsukishiro-san can only hold him back for so long," he promised.

Sakura nodded, then seemed to float off to talk to Watanuki.

"Li, you look like you have a problem?" Fai asked icily, raising an eyebrow.

Shaoran's eyes narrowed, "Yeah, with _you_."

Fai laughed once, waving a hand, "I have a problem with you too. …_I know what you're doing_. Sakura-chan is a very nice girl. She wouldn't appreciate this."

"Let me guess: 'Don't hurt her?' Follow your own advice, Flowright," Shaoran snapped. "At least I'm sincere. I love her. I'd never hurt her at all."

Fai's eyes narrowed, and his genial face hardened. "I would never hurt Sakura-chan. The day I hurt her will be the day I die. I promise you that. If I ever make her cry, you have permission to hurt me. But I will never, ever, make her cry," he swore.

"I will enjoy sinking my fist into your face when the inevitable comes along," Shaoran muttered.

The two sat in silence for a long moment, glaring at each other. For the first time in Fai's life, he wanted nothing more than to hit someone. He wanted to slap this boy, shake him, and scream. _What right does he think he has, trying to take away Sakura-chan?! _

He sighed, then broke into a lazy grin. "The sheet music's in my guitar case, have fun!" he chimed, bouncing off to Watanuki and Sakura.

…They had to make it past prelims; he had to have something to tie him here… He didn't want to be forgotten anymore. He felt bad for using someone as sweet as Sakura, and he did like her… just… not like he made it seem. He honestly had no claims to her. No right. He knew it would be best to break up with her and let nature run its course…

Life… just wasn't fair.

**XxXxXxX**

"Why did you pull me aside?"

Sakura glowered, "Because I should smack you," she hissed. She looked warily over her shoulder, where Watanuki and Fai were talking with another band, everyone anticipating the preliminary results.

"I didn't molest you in front of everyone. In my opinion, you should be smacking Blondie over there," Shaoran said, shrugging.

"He is my boyfriend," she mumbled, flushing.

Shaoran leaned forward, "And what if he really cares for you? And you're leading him on?"

"I will do whatever it takes to protect him," Sakura said, her face determined. Her eyes were set, her arms crossed against her chest. "I will, so don't interfere!"

"Who said I'm interfering?"

Sakura rolled her eyes, "Shaoran-kun, you never do anything unless it's in your own interest."

Shaoran blinked, giving an indignant scoff; "I'll have you know I am a selfless person! I volunteer regularly, help old ladies across the street, read often, and—"

"That's Syaoron," Sakura interrupted flatly, "Remember, _you're_ the _evil_ twin."

Shaoran shrugged, "What about _you_?"

"Likewise," the girl huffed.

"We're perfect for each other, then."

She huffed, then looked back over at Fai, her features softening. "He's gotten so much better… He used to not like anybody; you could see it in his eyes. He didn't trust me or Watanuki, or anybody. Not even adults… Now he's a lot nicer…"

"And how do you think he'll feel when he realizes that you're using him for your own selfish needs? You have this complex— you're feeding on his misery!"

Sakura tensed, "I. Am. Not."

"You're pretending to be god! You say you want to help him, but here he is, even more pitiful than you! You're looking down at him—"

"Shut up!" Sakura screeched, "You're so _cruel_, Shaoran-kun! I hate you like this!"

Shaoran fell silent, his face going blank in shock; while it wasn't the first time he'd heard those words… it felt like she really meant them this time.

"Sakura-san, please, I didn't mean it," he mumbled, reaching out to the girl. She smacked his hand away, tears streaming down her face, "You used to be so _nice_ to me, Shaoran-kun… Why did you stop? Was it because she died?" she whispered, anguished. Shaoran shook his head, his mouth opening and closing, his voice silent. He didn't know what to say.

Fai strolled up, pulling Sakura to her side, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kick your ass right now," he hissed.

Watanuki joined them, "Li-san, we've been friends for a long time," he said kindly, "But you've taken your farce too far. If you don't stop hurting Sakura-chan, I'll gladly join Fai."

Sakura shook her head, "Guys, stop," she murmured, wiping her eyes, "We're just being stupid."

Fai's eyes hardened, "He made you _cry_, Sakura-chan," he said, his voice clipped. "Tell me what you want done with him." He never once looked at her face, staring at Shaoran the entire time. He'd do anything for her; he'd do anything for Watanuki as well.

Shaoran raised his hands in defeat, opening his mouth like he was about to say something, but was cut off.

"Alright! We've got our results! Only four bands will make it to the competition in June, but all of you preformed wonderfully! Will these four bands make their way to the stage?" the announcer called from onstage.

Everything went silent backstage. Fai's arms dropped from Sakura's sides as he turned, Sakura bit her lip, and Watanuki began to wring his hands together. Even Shaoran felt tension; as an impromptu member as he was, he was now a part of their band.

"Wild Card, Ever Blue, Apercu," the man announced, the respective members from each of the three bands making their way onstage. Sakura crossed her fingers as the man took a breath, "And last, but not least, Gothix!"

Sakura squealed, clapping happily, while Fai broke into an easy grin, high-fiving Watanuki.

They'd finally made it. For Fai it meant stronger ties to his friends, a deeper claim on his life in Koryo; for Sakura it meant putting herself aside, but it also gave her a chance to be different from everyone's expectations of her; for Watanuki it was something that he could do—something that showed that he wasn't a failure.

Shaoran watched the three go onstage to receive a new set of rules and information, smiling. So maybe he didn't just worm his way in to break up Sakura and Fai (though, that was his main motivation… One day, that girl _would_ see him!) but because he was lonely…

Weren't they all?

**XxXxXxX**

_"Oi! Kinomoto! What's your problem!?"_

_Finally, she stopped running, turning to face him. She attempted to pull her features into the customary scowl that she used on him, but failed miserably. Tears ran down her face, and she launched herself into his arms, something she hadn't done since she was young. "So stupid!" she sobbed. "I!"_

_"Sh… it'll be okay," he mumbled, hugging her tightly._

_He didn't want to win her like this… He squeezed her, frowning deeply. That boy would be in a hell of pain for making her cry like that. "I'll be here," he said softly. He wouldn't take advantage of the situation like he wanted to, he wouldn't tell her 'I told you so'… he would just be there._

_Like he'd always been there; like he always would be there._

* * *

**A/N2: **_Happy New Year's! I hope you'll all have great 2009! A quick note on Shaoran... He doesn't mean to be unkind to Sakura... It just works out that way. He's really very shy. But, we'll have more on that later. SO NO SHAORAN BASHING! (Even though I wanted to kick him in the butt and go "JUST KISS HER!" at some points.) And no SakuraFai bashing. They're breaking up soon. VERY soon. Speaking of soon. **Next chapter, the rating will be raised to M as more of Fai's past is revealed. **Some of you know what's coming. Some of you don't. Either way, I've gotta raise the rating. _


	7. Lesson Two: Fear

**A/N: **_Um. Yeah. Rating is up to M now. Some of you know what to expect. For the ones who don't: __**WARNING: This chapter contains graphically described child abuse, rape, and self mutilation.**__ There. You can't blame me now if you come across something you don't want to read. Just skip the italics. Fai is about eight in the flashbacks. If you know someone who is being abused in any way, report it. Same goes for cutters. Don't do it, please, take it from someone who's done it and gotten through it. Anyway... Can't shake the original format… Song is "Fear" by Evans Blue. This is the first song Fai sang as the lead for the Gothix. Sakura and Kurogane say some of the same stuff (his questions from 'Savin' Me'), I think. It shows how much they each care about Fai, but it also shows just how much they'll eventually clash with each other. This chapter is more Fai development. (*sigh* Haven't we gotten through with it yet? No.) I can just see Shaoran poking Fai to death with a spork… Has anyone noticed how much like Zima (from Chobits) Kurogane's dad looks? They even have the little pony-tail thingy… Wait a second…_

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson Two:** _Fear_

_**Guilt reflects**_

_**And then leaves the rest to me;**_

"It's so hot!" Fai whined, fanning himself off with his sheet music. "This place is practically a desert!"

"It'll only get hotter if you don't take off your jacket," Sakura said lightly, her fingers brushing along the keyboard as she did scales to get ready for practice. "It's not December anymore."

Fai laughed nervously, "I like this jacket!"

Sakura rolled her eyes, "Mm-hmm…"

Fai shifted uncomfortably, tapping the microphone to make sure it was on. There was no way he could take off his jacket; he pulled it closer around his chest. It was hot, hovering around ninety outside. Under the stage lights, it was probably closer to a hundred degrees. But Fai would rather die than take off the jacket.

Deep cuts wound themselves around his arms. He'd lost himself the other night after a particularly bad dream. He'd gone through a phase where he didn't dream at all, but now his nightmares were back with a vengeance, tearing him apart at the seams. The one the night before had been of his father in one of his rages…

_The body bearing down on him was too large to fight off. He didn't even need to be restrained; the fear was enough to paralyze him. He grit his teeth against the pain of entrance—he would not scream. No. He would not give this man the pleasure of torture. _

_But eventually, the pain of every thrust broke him apart. "NO! STOP, PLEASE! WHAT DID WE EVER DO!?" he screamed, thrashing underneath the large man. His father grabbed his wrists, pinning him to the marble floor, treating his son with no kindness. He went harder on the blonde beneath him than he ever had before, his long hair brushing against the boy's face, the sent of alcohol tinting the air he gasped. Blood began to spill out of the little boy, slicking the floor and the man's cock, but it didn't make it any less painful for the boy. _

_His body took over, coping the best it could with the pain. His eyes rolled back into his head, and his head fell back onto the marble with a hard 'thwack', his body falling limp and lifeless beneath the man who was supposed to protect him. _

_His father smirked after finishing, pulling out of the small boy beneath him. "Because you live," he spat. "It's your fault your brother suffers. It's your fault your mother is miserable." _

_A strangled sob escaped his tired throat as he curled upon himself in a pool of his own blood and his father's semen. Guilt crushed down upon him. _

"_Oh," his brother moaned, running into the room, "It's bad this time, isn't it?" _

"_I can't move," the first murmured. "He was mad." _

"_I'm sorry… We have to do something…" _

"_Why?" _

"_It hurts mother to see you like this." _

_His face crumpled and tears fell from his eyes to join the reddish-pink mixture of fluids on the floor. _

"_Let's run away, disappear. I don't want to live anymore, Fai." _

"_Yes…"_

His hands shook, a chill flowing down his spine despite the heat. "L-let's start," he murmured, anxious to lose himself in the music. "I'll do the song first so Sakura-chan can get a hang of the synth part…"

He still blamed himself for his mother and brother's deaths. It would have never happened if he'd just taken what was doled out to him. His brother would have been fine— their father liked to torture him more. If he hadn't decided to run away with his brother, then their father would have never gotten mad… would have never murdered…

He sang, trying to lose himself quickly. He longed for it now. The knife under his hand, pressed to his skin. To slice himself open. He needed it right now. To forget about what he could not control in what he could. Escape from one flow of blood with another. His hands twitched against the microphone, as he tried to keep his voice from shaking.

His head was oddly fuzzy. He felt chilled, and the room spun beneath his feet. He leaned forward against the microphone, suddenly weak.

_**It started with a flash of light,**_

_**A fist's grip was loosened just a bit;**_

He felt his body disobey his mind, and he fell back, blinded by the lighting before everything went black.

"Fai, can you hear me?"

Fai groaned, unwilling to open his eyes. He felt lighter. A cool rag was pressed against his forehead, but he still felt weird. Like he'd been stuffed with cotton. His stomach heaved slightly, and he groaned again.

The rag was removed, replaced with one that dripped water all over his face.

"Fai? Are you okay?"

"Leave him there, Watanuki," another voice responded coolly.

Fai frowned, that was a female voice, a very familiar one at that… Though the tone wasn't…. "Sa…Sakura-chan?" he mumbled, blinking open his eyes.

"Don't call me 'chan'!" She hissed. "You don't even deserve to call my name!"

Fai sat up, rubbing his temples; his head hurt. A shiver passed through his body, and with a jolt he realized why Sakura sounded so mad… He stole a glance at Watanuki's face—it was slightly sad, his eyes deep with hurt and betrayal.

He'd passed out from heat, apparently… and they'd taken off his shirt. He hugged himself tightly, "Look, I…"

"You worthless piece of crap!" Sakura shrieked, "What the hell do you think you're doing to yourself!?"

"I know what I'm doing!"

Sakura stomped forward, grabbing an arm, shaking it. Fai winced, the motion jostling some of the cuts, pulling them open again.

"Do you want to die?!"

It took a moment for Fai to answer, "Yes," he whispered.

Sakura froze, and then began to shake, tears building in her eyes, "Then why do this? Why make us care about you?" she whispered, motioning to herself, Shaoran, and Watanuki. "Why? That's not fair! We've all seen enough people close to our hearts die!"

"Didn't know. Don't care," Fai muttered, turning his head away.

Sakura reached back, raising her hand to strike Fai.

"Sakura don't!" both Shaoran and Watanuki shouted just as her hand made contact with Fai's face.

"We love you, Fai! Do you not care?! I bet you don't even like us! I bet you don't even like _me_! I! All you care about is your own little farce," she cried, hiccupping softly as she tried to get the words out.

"You don't know my pain."

"We all hurt Fai! But we have enough sense to confide in others! To trust other humans!" She cupped her face in her hands, sobbing loudly for a few minutes before she managed to say the death blow to Fai; "I never want to see you again… I don't want to have anything to do with you."

"Are you breaking up with me?" Fai asked emotionlessly.

"Yes."

"I don't care," Fai murmured mechanically, pushing his forehead against his knees. Unbeknownst to the others, tears began to smart against his eyes, trickling slowly down his cheeks. His face burned in shame, and the side of his face where Sakura hit him throbbed.

Sakura gave a loud whimper, then turned and dashed off, her cries audible until the auditorium doors slammed shut.

"Look what you've gone and done, pretty boy," Shaoran hissed before taking off after Sakura.

"Gallant one, he is," Watanuki mumbled, settling himself down next to Fai.

"Don't you hate me too?" Fai inquired, toneless.

"I would, you see, if I didn't know any better. I know you're crying," he said gently, reaching out to wrap his arm around Fai's shoulder.

"How?"

"The dead tone," Watanuki mused, "And I could see your shoulders shaking."

Fai nodded, tears dripping off his face. He turned, pressing his face into his friend's shoulder. "I don't know _how_ to trust," he whispered.

"You just start by saying sorry."

"I'm sorry," Fai murmured, sounding like a lost child. "I told you I wouldn't."

"I knew you would," Watanuki said sadly. "Growing up with Yuuko-san's given me an excellent intuition, you see."

"Shaoran's going to hurt me," the blonde whispered, holding tightly to Watanuki.

"And Touya too, but Tsukishiro-san will hold him back like he always does," the bespectacled boy teased, stroking Fai's hair softly.

"I deserve it."

"No you don't… okay, maybe just a little bit from Sakura-chan herself," Watanuki laughed, then sighed softly. "You don't need to be hurt any more than you already are."

"You wouldn't happen to want to go out with me, would you?"

"Mm, I think you're mistaking platonic love for romantic love again… Besides, I have someone to love already," Watanuki mumbled wistfully. He then chuckled, "So, I'll have to pass you up on that one, Fai."

"Aw, damn," the blonde whined, smiling waveringly. "I can't seem to get those two straight."

"Well, I assume you've been alone for a long time. I don't blame you, you honestly can't tell the difference. "

Fai looked up, frowning, "How did you know?"

Watanuki smiled softly, tipping his head to the side to study Fai. "You didn't know how much it would hurt us."

"Us?"

"Sakura-chan's not the only one who's upset," the boy murmured, "I am too. And Shaoran-kun. You might not like him much, and he you, but he still cares. He trusted you enough to allow you to date Sakura-chan."

"So what do I do now?"

"Like I said, you apologize. Sakura-chan is very kind, but she's been alone too," Watanuki said, nodding softly. "She'll come around. And she'll hate it every time you do it, because she loves you—oh not romantically, Shaoran's the one for her— but she tends to treat you like she were your mother."

Fai nodded quietly; he'd noticed. "So all I do is apologize?"

"I assume it's all you can do. I may be disappointed, but I trust you enough to know that you won't leave us. You do know that we would be very upset if you died, right? Good."

He didn't know what it was, but he felt as if something heavy had been removed from his chest. Like the vice that had been gripping his heart for months had been loosened. He beamed, the smile lighting up his entire face, and for that moment, he was happy. "I'll do my best," he promised.

He couldn't promise more than that. He couldn't bear hurting Watanuki by making a promise he knew he couldn't keep. Time was ticking for him. He never knew when he would have to leave this town, flee it like hell was on his heels…

Because it would be when the time to run came.

_**There's a constant slip out of the positive**_

_**And you waste more perfect time than you tend to give.**_

"Oi! Kinomoto! What's your problem!?"

Finally, she stopped running, turning to face him. She attempted to pull her features into the customary scowl that she used on him, but failed miserably. Tears ran down her face, and she launched herself into his arms, something she hadn't done since she was young. "So stupid!" she sobbed. "I!"

"Sh… it'll be okay," he mumbled, hugging her tightly. He didn't want to win her like this… He squeezed her, frowning deeply. That boy would be in a hell of pain for making her cry like that. "I'll be here," he said softly. He wouldn't take advantage of the situation like he wanted to, he wouldn't tell her 'I told you so'… he would just be there.

Like he'd always been there; like he always would be there.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Sakura mumbled, tearing herself away from her childhood friend; "No 'I told you so'?"

Shaoran shook his head, "I'm not that cruel… I'll tell you something though… Please, don't waste your time chasing after other boys…"

Sakura looked up at Shaoran frowning, "Who, then?"

"Me," Shaoran murmured, gently grabbing Sakura's arms, "I'm not going to force you to go out with me… but please, at least spend time with me! We used to be inseparable, Sakura-san…"

"Then my sister died."

Shaoran looked away, his eyes soft, "Yeah. I… You were so upset… I didn't know how to comfort you. I said stupid stuff, so I let Syaoron deal with it. He's better at being nice than I am."

Sakura's eyes gleamed with something unreadable. "You were being mean to me because you didn't know how to be nice?"

"I… felt like I was wasting your time."

"You are wasting my time, Shaoran-kun! Every second that you're shying away from the truth—those are moments that we could be together!"

Shaoran stared at Sakura, cheeks pink, "You mean?"

"Yes, I like you too, you stupid, thick headed… boy!"

Shaoran laughed, then leaned forward and gently kissed her on the cheek. "Now, will you be terribly upset if I beat up Flowright?"

Sakura shook her head, "Don't do it… If you must do it, don't do it where I can see it," she sighed. "I'm mad, but not sadistic."

"I won't knock his teeth out," Shaoran promised. "I'll let Touya do that."

Sakura rolled her eyes, "_Boys_."

_**All the fear and all the cares of the world **_

_**Never forced themselves into my arms**_

_**It was your fear that helped me**_

_**Your fear that got me to move**_

_**Straight from your heart into their sight. **_

Sakura walked tentatively back into the auditorium, wringing her hands. She scanned the stage, were Watanuki and Fai were goofing off, playing a nonsensical melody. Fai's back was to the entrance, as he was facing Watanuki—he'd put his shirt back on.

Watanuki noticed her first. He surveyed her, then grinned, seeing Shaoran behind her, his cheeks still rather red. He nudged Fai with his elbow, waving at Sakura at the same time. She waved back sheepishly.

Fai turned slowly, chewing his lip. Sakura sighed, recognizing the sign. Fai always bit his lip when he was anxious or worried about something. Always. "One day, you're going to bite right through it, and then I'll laugh."

Fai smiled softly, nodding. He wiped the back of his hand across his eyes. He put down his guitar, sliding off the stage, walking towards Sakura. She stepped towards him, meeting him half-way across the auditorium.

"I… I'm sorry," Fai whispered. Fear gnawed at his stomach. _What if she's still super mad? What if she stops being my friend? _

Sakura raised her hands, and Fai flinched slightly, expecting another smack. Sakura rolled her eyes, squishing Fai's cheeks beneath her palms. "You are an idiot!" She admonished. "Buy me chocolate," she ordered.

"Yes ma'am," Fai murmured weakly, reaching up to grab her hands. "Still friends?"

"Yes, let's just be friends. Fai… may I say one more thing as your girlfriend before we break up?"

Fai nodded, frowning, "Thought you already had, but, what the hell…?"

Sakura threw her arms around him, shaking, "I'm scared for you, Fai! You need help! I'm so scared!"

Fai sighed, hugging Sakura tightly. He understood fear… but… no one had ever been afraid for him before… Not even _him_, for _he _was too busy fearing for his own life. His mother was frightened of their father, but not of what was happening to them… She was sad about that, yes… but not scared. It was odd. He didn't know how to accept it.

"Sakura-chan, I've made a decision… I'll be the vocalist for real," he murmured, kissing her on the forehead. He then pulled away from her, passing Sakura to Shaoran. "Take care of her, Shaoran."

"Better than you did, for sure," Shaoran snorted.

"_Boys_," Sakura sighed.

_**Grace and hope**_

_**I'm sure are on the way;**_

_They clamored up in their mother's lap, pressing close to her cool body. She held them tight, pressing her face close to theirs. "One day, you'll be free of this place," she promised. _

"_We're thinking about running away." _

_An odd sort of smile passed across their mother's pale face, her eyes lighting up briefly for a moment. "I see…Shall I tell you one last story before you leave, my darlings?" _

_The two boys nodded, their heads bobbing enthusiastically. They clung to their mother, holding close. She was their haven, their final haven in a world that had failed them. _

"_There once was a large city, filled with skyscrapers and cars… but there were no people." _

"_Where were the people, momma?" "There have to be some people there, or else there wouldn't be any buildings, Yuui!" _

_Freya laughed softly, patting one of the boys on the head. "There were people, but they couldn't see them up close. They could see their shadows, smiling and laughing in the windows. No one was alone. Except for the one person. He was the only one alone." _

"_Well that's dumb. Doesn't he have a brother?" One muttered, grabbing onto his brother's hand. "Fai!" The other whined, "Shh!" _

"_He was alone, and he wandered the town, searching. He knew if he couldn't find them there, he'd have to go to another town. He wandered, lonely, scared, and hurt, searching for the person just for him." _

"_Who's that, momma?" _

_Freya leaned down and kissed the boy who asked on the forehead, "The person who will truly take you away from here. They will take away all your pain when you're with them… but when you're not, it will hurt, like something is crushing your heart, a burden too heavy to bear. But you will be happy; you will want to be with them all the time. No matter what you feel, it will be stronger than if you were alone." _

"_Will they come now, momma?" _

"_No, Yuui… I'm afraid not… you two will have to search hard. But, my darling children… there __**is**__ someone just for you. Who will love you no matter what, and save you…Who will take you away from this, who will save you…You must be strong." _

Fai opened his eyes, tears flowing down his face. He sat up in his bed, shaking as he wiped away his tears. "Mom… did you know something we didn't?" he whispered, lying back on his bed.

He slid back into sleep, walking the corridors of his dreams once more.

_He padded down an empty street. He looked around, light diffusing the night air. Buildings climbed into the air around him, bright squares cutting through the emptiness in the air. He walked tentatively forward, biting his lip. Where was he? He turned his face upwards, watching sadly as the silhouettes of his friends gathered in a room just out of his grasp. _

"_There are no people in this city," he murmured in awe. Was this a dream of a memory? Of the story his mother was so fond of telling? _

_A hand slipped into his own, pulling him forward. "Who are you lonely without?" _

_Fai gasped, staring down at himself in miniature. His brother, his twin brother. Without the blood that marred his features in his dreams. His brother, his little brother… stuck at the age he died… _

"_Who are you lonely without?" _

_Fai shook his head, stumbling after the little blonde boy, "No one…" _

"_You're in a city with no people… You are lonesome." _

"_Yes." _

_His mirror smiled, then faded away, and Fai looked around, a path stretching itself out below his feet. He tracked its progress, gasping as it led to a familiar light. He ran forward, until he collided with the man from the shadows. _

_This time, he was less shadow, his body more substantial. "Does it hurt?" _

"_Yes. When you leave, it hurts." _

"_Then find me; seek me out." _

"_Who are you?" _

"_Find me," the man murmured, turning his back, slowly walking away into the light that first beckoned Fai. _

And then he was awake again. He rubbed his forehead, wondering if prescribing in a few good sleeping pills would save him from the torment.

If it was possible to fall in love with someone from a dream, well then he was. It was more likely that he was insane. He rubbed at his eyes, trying to clear the after-image of the man's profile from his mind.

It was so familiar… who did it remind him of? He closed his eyes again. None of his friends had that deep a voice, or that solid a build. Shaoran was short, but lithe, and Watanuki was tall and skinny, like he was… Who?

_**It ended with a twist of fate,**_

_**And now the hearts are breaking just a bit,**_

"So! The competition's in a few weeks," Fai announced, handing out sheet music to his friends. "Now that school's out, thank god for the end of middle school—" he was met by a collective cheer— "We need to practice every spare moment!"

"By the way, I'll be singing."

Sakura giggled, clapping happily, "Yay, Fai!"

Fai rolled his eyes, "Don't try so hard, Sakura-chan. I know you hate every Band-Aid on my body."

Sakura sighed, "Yes," she murmured, shuffling her sheet music.

Fai gave a sad smile, looking down at his arms self-consciously. Koryo was practically a desert during the summer, so he'd given up long sleeves and layers. "I'm sorry."

Sakura shook her head, "Don't say it if you're not going to stop."

"Can we practice now?" Shaoran complained lightly, sprawled out over his drum set, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Patience is a virtue," Sakura sang.

"That I don't have!" Shaoran muttered, rolling his eyes.

Fai laughed at the two, picking up his guitar. "Alright, guys!" He strummed the first few lines, humming along to make sure he was in tune. "Let's hit this!"

He hated the fact that he was hurting Sakura and Watanuki. But… he just couldn't stop… he couldn't bring himself to stop… He'd rather face the pain than face life as an empty shell… And part of him… enjoyed causing the girl just a little pain… He felt betrayed; he shouldn't but that didn't change the fact that he did.

_**And the consequence was negative…**_

_**So you killed more precious lives than you had let live!**_

"_You go first," his brother urged, pushing him through the window. _

_He held tight to the ledge, his feet swinging over the hedges, "But, what if poppa finds out?" _

"_I'll cover for you…" _

"_You can't be two places at once." _

"_Dad likes to bully you, not me. It's not fair; I'll just… you go first!" His brother began peeling his fingers up, trying to urge him away from the house. _

_He leaned up, kissing his brother on the cheek, "Come find me at the valley on our birthday."_

"_I'll be there. Nothing can stop me. You'll never be alone." _

"_Tell momma I love her." _

"_I will. Go!"_

_He let go, tumbling into the shrubbery. He sat still for a moment, then took off into the night. _

_- - - - - _

_His brother hadn't joined him yet. He was supposed to come and hide with him on their birthday. He bit his lip, sliding into the house through the dog-door, thankful that he was so small. "Mother?" he called. He knew better to call his twin's name. _

_An acrid smell met his nose. Like alcohol mixed with metal and something rotten. He slowly slinked into the living room, blinking against the dark. He reached up with a small hand to flick on the chandelier lights. They fuzzed to life, casting the room in a peculiar red glow. _

_He stumbled forward, falling onto his hands. The carpet squished obscenely under his hands, and he lifted them up to stare at his red-covered palms. _

_Blood. _

_Then flames. _

_Then black. _

_Gone._

_**All the fear and all the cares of the world **_

_**Never forced themselves into my arms**_

_**It was your fear that helped me**_

_**Your fear that got me to move**_

_**Straight from your heart into their sight. **_

He was scared of losing. It crushed him every night. The prospect of dreaming, the knowledge that the next day might be his last here; that the next day he might have to leave everything behind… It sat on his shoulders every night, folding him down onto himself. Never once had he reached out, never once had he attempted to live since he walked into that house seven years ago. What would happen to him if this, too, was ripped from him?

He would go on, he supposed. He flopped back into his bed, curling around his pillow. He had to make a mark here. So he could be remembered, so he could one day, hopefully return. He didn't want to be forgotten… he didn't want to disappear from this place.

"I want to find you," he murmured, biting his lip. Who was that man? "I need to talk with you…"

There were so many things he wanted… Right now, he wanted to make it to tomorrow, to live without living vicariously, to see his friends happy, to make it through the contest…

His eyes slid shut, and his lips moved softly, barely breathing out the words, "I want to talk to Kurogane Suwa," he murmured, fading away into sleep.

_**For shame on you! **_

_**Who cares about me anyway!?**_

_**I don't mind you—**_

"Fai, why do you do that to yourself?" Sakura inquired, frowning at her friend. Fai shrugged, leaning back in his chair as he sipped at his iced-coffee. "I know you know."

"Eh."

"Why don't you tell me? Talking about it can help!"

"You sound like Fuu-sensei," Fai muttered, sticking his finger into the drink to fish out some whipped cream. He lapped it off his finger, much like a cat.

"So?"

"Don't do it, it's not sexy."

Sakura huffed, throwing her spoon at Fai. Fai laughed, dodging it. It hit her brother square in the back as he stood from busing the table behind them.

Both Sakura and Fai affixed on the appropriate innocent looks as Touya turned around, seething. "Alright—brat, monster, who threw that?"

Fai blinked, used to the nickname brat by now. Sakura growled, throwing balled up napkins at her brother, "You're so mean, oniichan! I am not a monster!"

"Oh, so it was you!" Touya leered, leaning on their table.

"It was Shaoran-kun, Touya-san," Fai said sweetly, pointing to the table behind Sakura where Shaoran and Watanuki sat, debating hotly over whose turn it was to lock up Yuuko's shop.

Sakura's eyes grew wide as she looked at Fai incredulously; Touya however, seemed to buy it (or at least thought it was a valid enough reason to pick on his little sister's new boyfriend), and he stood straight, wielding his cleaning cloth as a weapon, "Twerp!"

"Why did you do that?" Sakura asked once her brother had left (she didn't feel like protecting Shaoran from Touya's (undeserved) wrath at the moment).

"Felt like it."

Sakura sighed, "Then back to the matter," she continued as Touya tortured Shaoran in the background. (Yukito stepped in before things came to bloodshed between the two.) "Tell me."

"Because I feel like it."

"I don't believe that."

"Huh, so I tell you the truth and you don't believe it?" Fai said haughtily, returning back to drinking his drink. "I just… feel like it, so I do it. I like the way it feels. It's so clear. You should try it."

"I'm worried, Fai," Sakura urged, fiddling with the remains of her brownie.

"Don't," Fai snapped, "It irritates me."

Sakura dropped her head, looking hurt.

"I don't mean _you_ irritate me," Fai said hastily; he was heavily reminded of his first week at school, where he kept saying the wrong things to the girl. "I just… I'm not worth being worried over by such a cute girl like you," he murmured, reaching out to stroke her cheek.

He was immediately assaulted by a wet towel and a Spork—Shaoran on the end of the latter, and Touya on the end of the former. "You! Don't touch Sakura!" they both cried.

Fai shrank back into his seat, laughing, "Hyuu! Well, _excuse me_!"

Sakura studied him sadly, then kicked her brother in the shin for interrupting her conversation. (Shaoran would be punished later.)

_**It'd mean so much **_

_**If you'd just save me! **_

_**Save me! **_

He closed the door to his apartment, leaning against it heavily. Familiar. Everything was becoming too familiar.

He fumbled through his pants pocket, pulling out the utility knife he always carried. Before, it was for self-defense. Now, it was for self-offense. He flipped it open deftly, even though his hands were shaking with the onslaught of a panic attack.

He raised it, and closed his eyes in an almost ritualistic reverence. He inhaled sharply through his teeth, then pressed the knife to the underside of his forearm. Straight across the white flesh, sinking in smoothly. He jerked it out, feeling the blood well up from the wound. He clenched his fist, his arm shuddering as he did so. Blood spurted out of the gash, his nerves on fire. He centered in on the pain, his breath hissing out of his lips.

He calmed considerably, the buzz of adrenaline replacing the anxiousness in his brain. The world focused into a sharp clarity, then fuzzed out, then swung back into focus again. He raised the blade, shining with a red film, up to his biceps and made three cuts in short procession against the curve of his arm. He leaned down, cleaning the flat of the blade with his tongue, the metallic taste of his own blood burning his tongue and his eyes stung with tears. He dropped it on the floor, clamping his free hand around his elbow to stem the flow from his first cut.

He wandered to his bathroom, trailing red across the light wood floors as he traipsed across his apartment.

He cleaned his wounds, wrapping a bandage tightly against his forearm, wincing as he tried to tie it one handedly. He then sunk down onto the floor, curling up on his bathmat, falling into exhaustion.

Maybe he was stupid for putting more pain into his already miserable life. Maybe he wanted to die. But… he needed something… someone… to hold him together…

Or else he'd fall to pieces on the spot.

"_**All the fear and all the cares of the world**_

_**Never forced themselves into my arms**_

_**It was your fear that helped me**_

_**Your fear that got me to move**_

_**Straight from your heart into their sight."**_

It was funny, he wasn't nervous at all. Sakura always complained of the jitters before a concert. He leaned into his guitar as he pressed his mouth up to the mic, belting out every note. Maybe it was because he wasn't singing for them. He was doing it for himself. He was doing it to show his friends that he was still on solid ground.

Yeah, he was scared, but it pushed him forward; it was incentive. He was scared of being forgotten, so he made friends. He was afraid of losing his friends, so he asked out Sakura. He was scared of losing her, so he sang. He was afraid of losing someone he'd never met… so he sang. It was a roundabout circle, but… it worked.

He finished off the song, pushing the microphone away, bowing over his guitar. He stood straight after catching his breath, waving with a huge smile on his face.

_"Give it up for the Gothix! Our winners of this summer's Battle of the Bands!"_

Maybe… just maybe… he'd found a place to call his own.


	8. Lesson Three: The Freshman and Sophomore

**A/N: **_This chapter is rather short, really. Oops; between school starting again, and the pile of crap that I decide to call my life, I've been too... er... indisposed to write a lot. I'm so sorry! Waaaaaaaaaah! I've been neglecting my baby (this story). Mm! But it's an important chapter! I wonder why is it that Sakura and Watanuki don't aprove of Kuro-sama? Hmm, this could turn out interesting! *claps hands* Anyway, REVIEW BUTTON! It makes me happy.

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_**Gothix, Lesson Three:** _The Freshman and Sophomore_

"We had an orientation in middle school, why do we need another?" Fai whined, trailing behind the group that wandered Koryo High's halls.

Sakura shrugged. "It's because they don't want us getting lost," Watanuki answered.

"Huh."

"But all of the freshmen will be restricted to the ninth grade academy," the girl leading them announced; she was a senior, but small for her age, with short, black hair in a bob. "Which are the trailers in the back."

All the kids groaned while parents nodded approvingly. "What's the point then? If we're not going to be in the building?" Shaoran shot off.

Syaoron rolled nudged his brother with his elbow, "Because some of us will have inside classes," he answered.

"Oh. That makes sense."

"Now, lets go to the gym where club forms and elective sheets are located," the girl chimed, waltzing off in a different direction.

**XxXxXxX**

"What are you signing up for first period?" Fai asked, chewing absently on his eraser.

Sakura pulled the pencil away from Fai's mouth, scratching out her own elective request form, "General PE 1."

"Same here," Watanuki answered.

Fai wrinkled his nose, "Why?" he whined, dragging the word out, "PE sucks!"

"No, middle school PE sucks," Sakura said, "There's no order at all, and you never get to play any cool sports. But look, we get to play soccer!"

"And hockey," Watanuki added jovially.

"You two really enjoy that sort of torture, don't you? Twisted."

Sakura grinned, her teeth flashing; she was dangerously stunning at this moment, looking like she was a lioness about to tear into her prey. Watanuki and Fai shuffled backwards a bit. "Not as twisted as you are, Fai, darling," she purred.

"_Ouch_. I'll take art or something," Fai murmured, marking on his paper. "I can always change it later if I change my mind."

**XxXxXxX**

High school… Sheer hell. And he thought _middle school_ was bad. Sure, the hallways were easily understandable, and the classrooms were conveniently numbered, but there were so many people! Koryo was a small town, granted, but all the children within a fifty-mile radius were dumped into the hallways of the inoffensive (to those who didn't go there) red-brown brick building that was bordered by expanses of woods and marsh. (Who the hell puts a high school in the woods?!)

Fai was shoved up against the wall for the umpteenth time, and this time, his book bag finally had enough. It emptied itself onto the floor as the zipper burst open, spreading all the textbooks he had received during the day all over the hall.

Several people turned to look, then laughed, and walked away. They didn't want to get swept, the school's rather complicated version of tardies.

Fai cursed loudly, dropping to his hands and knees trying to gather his things, which were scattered all over the hallway, getting trampled, while he tried to not end up like his math homework—stepped on.

He'd been trodden on a few times before he gave up. He sat on the side of the hallway, trying not to either cry or beat the snot out of someone. He was in the middle of debating which would do more for his temper when someone tripped over him.

"Ow, what the fuck?!"

Fai didn't turn. He didn't feel like doing anything. He just sat there.

"Why the hell are you sitting there, moron?"

Fai clenched his fists, wondering if he could get away with punching the shit out of the guy who'd just tripped on him. It was quite obvious he was there!

He turned, then gasped like he was punched in the stomach (something he had been contemplating until this moment), feeling the blood drain from his face, then rush back, twenty times as hot. "…my stuff fell," he mumbled. "I was trying to get it, but I got stepped on."

The teen he'd noticed back in April, Kurogane Suwa, stood before him, standing arrogantly in front of him. Everything about the boy screamed upperclassman and untouchable—from his irritated scowl, to his hand on his hip, to the messenger bag slung across his torso emblazed with the Koryo High athletic emblem. Even so, some part of his visage, his aura drew Fai in where it would push away others. The blonde gulped; he hadn't gotten a chance to see the upperclassman up close in April, so he didn't notice how handsome he was.

_Damn_. His heart seemed to be situated somewhere in his throat, and his stomach felt like it was full of helium or something.

Kurogane snorted, then knelt down, "You must be a freshman," he said, leaning forward, picking up Fai's papers in his arms. "This hallway is the most crowded. You don't use it unless you have to."

Fai nodded dumbly. He watched as Kurogane gathered his stuff, chewing his lip thoughtfully. "Well… okay. It makes sense."

"And keep your book bag zipped all the way," the sophomore admonished. Fai nodded dumbly. He raised an eyebrow irately, pushing Fai's papers forward. "Are you going to take your stuff?"

Fai nodded, reaching out to pull his papers and books into his own arms. His hands brushed along Kurogane's arms, and he couldn't help but blush even harder, his heart skipping dangerously. He dumped his stuff into his bag, zipping it. Kurogane stood, Fai watching him with wide eyes.

Kurogane rolled his eyes, holding out his hand. Dumbly, Fai took it, rising to his feet. "Thank you," he murmured, feeling much like a deer caught in the headlights.

Kurogane nodded, "Whatever. Be more careful." And then he was gone, disappearing down the next hall. Fai clutched his bookbag to his chest, then scurried off to his next class.

He plopped down next to Sakura, red-faced and breathless. "_Ohmigawd_," he breathed. "I'm in love!"

Sakura raised an eyebrow, "Yes?"

"I'm about to sound _so_ flaming, but he was _so fucking hot_!"

"Who?"

"Kurogane Suwa!"

The girl paled, shaking her head; "Oh dear… Fai, now, _really_… Be reasonable. You've never talked to him, you've only seen him once…"

"I just talked to him! He told me to be careful! He was so nonchalant about it, but he helped me out just now," the blonde gushed, his cheeks still splotched with pink.

Sakura kneaded her forehead; Fai sounded like a love-sick sixth grader, "Fai," she murmured, "Really. Be reasonable. You've talked to him all of once," she amended.

A far away look passed onto Fai's face, "I know him somehow… His hand… it felt like I'd taken it before…" he whispered, twirling his hair around a finger… "So familiar… like it was my own…"

Sakura pulled out her cell phone and immediately texted Watanuki, daring to defy Haruka Doumeki's no-cell-phones-at-all-unless-you-want-to-buy-them-from-me-on-ebay rule.

Her fingers flew over the number pad, madly texting her SOS while Fai was busy recounting his encounter with 'love at first sight'.

'_Fai's gone batshit insane'-S_

'_(Shaoran taught you that one right) is that new'-W_

'_He's fawning over KS'-S_

'_Is that new he did it last april but it passed'-W_

'_He talked to him'-S_

'_Oh that's different'-W_

'_Should we tell him'-S_

'_I think it would encourage him'-W_

'_What do we do'-S_

'_If he likes him, nothing'-W_

'_He says he's in love'-S_

'_Good for him'-W_

'_Not good not with that person'-S_

'_We just deal I have a math test SYL'-W_

Watanuki flipped shut his cell phone, sighing.

"What was the problem?"

"Oh, hm. Just a friend," he mumbled, casting his eyes to his companion.

"You're a regular delinquent."

"What makes you say that?"

Doumeki shrugged, "You're skipping, with a cell phone."

"Don't care."

"Idiot."

"You're the one who told me to skip!"

"Hm."

**XxXxXxX**

Sakura sighed, leaning against the bleachers, balancing a volleyball on the back of her hand. "We should intervene," she murmured, jerking her hand up so the ball would fall off. She then bumped it to Watanuki who caught it, rolling it under his palms.

"Why?"

"You know who he's after!" she hissed conspiratorially. In unison, both she and Watanuki glanced to the other side of the gym where Kurogane was busy challenging the coach in a one-on-one volleyball game.

Watanuki sighed, "If we ignore it long enough, he'll stop. Besides, he'll never see him at all."

"Fai'll find a way," Sakura warned, "I think he's manic."

"I do too, but if we discourage him, won't it do more to fuel his fires?"

"But _Suwa_!"

Watanuki shook his head, "I believe in personal choices. If he so chooses to fall in love with Kurogane Suwa, we have no more right to dissuade him than I have a right to advise against you and Shaoran."

"Or I about you and Doumeki," Sakura crooned, smirking as Watanuki turned an interesting shade of crimson. "I saw you sneaking out of the bathrooms near the auditorium yesterday."

"That, my dear, is an entirely different matter," Watanuki said loudly, turning his back to Sakura, his ears bright red.

**XxXxXxX**

Fai peeked around the corner, chewing on his lip. He didn't see what Sakura's big farce against Kurogane Suwa was. He seemed alright to him…

He leaned against the wall, casually stealing glances at the teen at his locker, trying to get the contraption un-jammed.

So far, he'd learned that Kurogane was a sophomore (score!), single (double score), and on every athletic team possible to be in at once. He was excellent in basketball and soccer, but absolutely dominated in kendo. He was infamous for his lousy temper (Fai didn't believe it at all; he was really nice that day), and generally could be found in what seemed to be his only friend, his cousin Tomoyo. He had, of course, gleaned all this information from Syaoron, who was on the kendo team as well, on the fourth week of stalking the boy (previously, all he'd known was his schedule. Surprisingly few people knew details about the brooding teen), which was the fifth week of school.

Fai smiled, and then pushed away from the wall, breezing to his first period.

He was going to have so much _fun_ once he could get Kurogane to notice him!


	9. Lesson Four: School Spirit

**A/N:** _Ah, I feel a wave of angry people for the cliffhanger. MUWAHAHAA! Yeah, I made up words. Stalkeresqueness is not really a word… I just… made one up. Oh, BTW, Fai is actually 16, but due to extenuating circumstances, he was put in a grade lower. The driving age in Koryo is 15 for learners' and 16 for licenses. The song is "The Fantasy" by 30Seconds to Mars. OH! I've gots a playlist for this story, go here: http :// view . playlist . com / 14013146891 (Without the spaces! The songs aren't in order, and I'll add more as the story goes on. For now, this is what I listen to.) _

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson Four: **_School Spirit_

Fai fidgeted, chewing on his lip, leaning out the door of his third period, waiting for a certain somebody to pass by. Since he had first met the older boy in the hallway, half a semester had passed, and it was beginning to get chilly. He'd had enough time to buy a rinky-dink old car, get a driver's license so he could drive to school, his new job at Yuuko's, and home.

An arm snaked around his waist, followed by another, Watanuki and Sakura dragging him back into the class.

"Sit," Sakura commanded, pushing him back to his chair.

"And stay," Watanuki followed up.

"What am I? Your pet?" Fai asked irritably, craning his neck to see around his friends.

"You need to get your head in the game!" Sakura cried. "We've got a gig tonight, and we've not made any headway on our new song!"

Fai shrugged, "We could sing the old ones."

"No we can't! We were specifically asked for new material!" Watanuki pointed out.

Sakura produced a pen and paper from behind her back, "We need you to stop daydreaming about Kurogane Suwa for one minute and think about us!"

"I do think about you two," Fai whined, "Sakura, didn't I say I liked your clothes today? And Watanuki, I mean, come on, if I wasn't paying attention, how could I have seen you and Doumeki ma—"

"OKAY!" Watanuki shouted, clamping a hand over Fai's mouth, "You pay attention!"

Fai giggled, nodding, "Can I have a cookie?" Watanuki blinked, then pulled out a bento box, used to requests for food.

Sakura sighed, rubbing her temples, settling down into her desk. Today, their social studies teacher was absent, leaving the class with a lame worksheet on a chapter they'd finished the first week of school so it left gobs of time for nothing at all. She watched Fai scribble away at a new song, half concerned that he'd not finish it in time, half concerned about his behavior as of late.

"Yeah, I know," Watanuki mumbled, twisting in his desk to face the girl.

Sakura tucked her bangs behind her ears, shorter wisps of hair falling against her cheeks, "What can we do?"

"Nothing at all," the bespectacled boy whispered, his words inaudible to Fai; normally he hated loud classrooms, but today, he was thankful. "He's smitten with him."

The girl nodded, twirling the ribbon of her bustier around her finger. After a month or so of Fai's fascination, she had to admit that it wasn't going to go away. For some reason, it bothered her that Fai was taking such an interest in someone that wasn't in their group. It also irritated her that their group had grown to huge proportions since they'd begun to make regular appearances at the Tavern, Koryo's underground scene. At least twenty people stood outside with them in the morning. Fai took to the swell with much pleasure, creating an informal dress code, and spoke to people outside of the group. After awhile, people would eventually move on, but there were a few who stayed around, not quite part of the band, but part of the clique. He'd extended their band name to this odd conglomeration of people as well. It wasn't this that bothered Sakura as much as the reckless abandon Fai took people in with. He was prone to disappearing for some time with random people, doing god knows what with goddess knows who.

He always seemed to fold in upon himself once those people were gone. When it was just the four of them, his smile faded away into nonexistence, and he was silent. He got that way after seeing Kurogane, too. He'd just stare off into space, looking lonely. He rather resembled a broken china doll. Sakura hated it.

"There has to be something."

"It is what it is. He'll hopefully tell us if something it completely wrong."

"He won't," Sakura mumbled darkly, "That was just the first in a long line of secrets he has. It's too late to help him."

"Since when were you a pessimist?"

Sakura shrugged, and both teens turned their gaze to Fai, who was still scribbling away at a score.

Fai tried to not let it show, but he'd heard the entire exchange. It wasn't his fault. Ever since the day he was born, his life had been out of his control. Even this, now, was out of control.

He hadn't meant to become addicted like this, but… it was a drug. Cutting was both his vice and folly. And Kurogane, he couldn't tell whether it was foolish to become so infatuated with a boy he could never have or if it was self punishment for his alleged sins. Maybe it was both, but it was tearing him apart. Maybe this was what they called lovesickness? Either way, it wasn't a pleasant experience. Neither were the dreams he was having, but he simply assumed that _that _was a product of being a teenager with a rather… active… imagination.

He pressed his pencil to the paper, letting his mind wander away as his hand swept the melody down with graceful, absent strokes, dots, and flourishes.

Yes, he agreed with Sakura. His obsession was not healthy. But he would not let it go. He could not let it go. The day that he let him go was the day he died, he supposed. There was something there that was just… irrevocable… unworldly… about how he was attracted to the sophomore. However the knowledge that he absolutely could not end up with him, no matter what, bore down on his chest every time he followed behind the athlete like a silent cloud, floating in the night sky. It felt like something grew within his chest, cancerous, spreading its tendrils to his heart, crushing it; to his lungs, stopping him from a breath; to his stomach, filling it with angry bees… Awful. Awful was this silent yearning.

If he could tell him, he would. But he couldn't. For fear of the unknown, rejection, or his past, Fai couldn't quite tell… maybe it was none of those, maybe it was all… But they stopped him nonetheless, and it was breaking him slowly, eroding away at everything he'd built up here.

Sakura would do good to be able begrudge him this silent crush, no matter how he suffered. But he agreed; it was not healthy.

He didn't care. He wanted him.

_Badly. _

**XxXxXxX**

He was amused, big time. It was ironic, another layer to his stalkeresqueness. Unintentional, but one nonetheless. Kurogane lived across the street from the Tavern.

He leaned into the speaker, singing the song he'd composed in history earlier that day.

"_Every time I think I'm going to change it_

_(Think I'm gonna change it, think I'm gonna change it)_

_It's driving (driving me) me insane (insane)! _

_Do you live, do you die, do you bleed_

_For the fantasy?_

_Do you mind, through your eyes, do you see? _

_It's the fantasy _

_Maybe tonight we can forget about it all_

_It could be just like heaven! _

_I am a machine_

_No longer living_

_Just a shell of what I dreamed_

_Do you live, do you die, do you bleed_

_For the fantasy?_

_Do you mind, do your eyes, do you see? _

_The fantasy? _

_Say it, say it, say what you believe, _

_Say it, say it, to me..." _

**XxXxXxX**

Fai studied the schedule intensely, his teeth finding their way to his lip. Tonight, he would go, simply because he couldn't take it anymore. He had some school clothes somewhere… This… was the last home game, the playoffs. This… was a chance… This…

Was worth trading Black Monday for.

**XxXxXxX**

"People are staring," Watanuki hissed, shifting uncomfortably in the wooden bleachers.

Sakura fiddled with her shirt, her eyes darting to her friend, "Well, _yeah_; we kinda stick out, Watanuki."

Shaoran leaned back, sipping his drink nonchalantly. "You two are so slow," he commented, "You show up here like it's a _gig_."

Sakura flashed her teeth in an unnerving grin. "Well, I don't get to wear this stuff in school! Most of it's against the dress code!"

"I just didn't know where we were going at all," Watanuki mumbled.

Shaoran sighed, "Like I said. It was _obvious_." Sakura reached over and slapped his soda up as he went to take a drink, spraying the liquid everywhere.

"_Boys_," she sighed.

"Girls," Shaoran muttered.

"Oi, quiet! I'm watching!" Fai shushed, turning around to glare at them. Somehow, the half-grin, half-scowl set against pink cheeks wasn't really intimidating.

"Why _are_ we here, Fai?" Sakura asked, leaning forward.

"School spirit!" Fai cried, halfheartedly waving his own pompom.

Everyone deadpanned.

"Are you," Sakura started,

"_Fai D. Flowright_," Shaoran continued,

"Telling us," Watanuki added,

"To have _school spirit_?" They chorused.

"You're like, the most unspirited person at school!" Watanuki exclaimed.

"Your idea of school spirit is starting a food fight on Thanksgiving!" Sakura admonished. "Please don't do that again," Shaoran muttered.

Fai laughed, waving his hands in mock defeat, "It's never too late to start!"

Sakura leaned forward, plucking at the blonde's shirt, 'mm-hmming' at the school logo. "And you switch out your _Black Monday_ clothes for this…" She scanned the gym, her eyes lighting up. "I _see_."

"Huh?" Fai squirmed, his eyes darting back to the gym floor. Oops. Caught.

"I see why we're at a basketball game, ridiculously early. It's 'cause _he's_ on the team," she drawled, waving a red and gold pompom at the basketball team.

Fai blushed, "W-well… Maybe."

Watanuki leaned back, "I don't see why you just don't ask him out already."

"It's obvious that you're head over heels," Shaoran said, scooting away from Sakura before taking a swig of his coke.

"Because," Fai whined, "I'm, like… _Me_. And he's…"

"A jock?"

"Yeah."

"So?"

"Besides, I doubt he's even bi. He probably has a girlfriend in college."

"He doesn't," Watanuki cut in.

"How do you know?"

"I live with Yuuko-san and Clow-san. How could I _not_ know anything about everything?"

"And besides," Shaoran cut in, "Organized sports are, like, the epitome of gay."

Everyone blinked. "How… so?" Fai ventured.

He shrugged, "I mean, they see each other naked every day, smack each other's butts, and—ouf!"

Sakura cut him off mid-rant with an elbow to the chest. Fai started snickering, turning his gaze back to the court as Sakura and Shaoran bickered behind him.

"What do you see in him?" Watanuki asked curiously, "Have you spoken to him anymore?"

Fai held up two fingers, "As for what I see in him, maybe something, maybe nothing. There's just something… pulling me in, and I can't seem to stop. Maybe once I talk to him, it'll go away."

"I'm not one to pry into your life," Watanuki murmured, "But… I hope it does. The rumors about him aren't all rumors, Fai."

"I would assume that you would know best about that," Fai said lightly. Watanuki squirmed, folding his hands in his lap.

"We're worried about you," he whispered. "You're becoming obsessed."

"What I do is no different than what you do to get Doumeki's attention," the blonde commented casually, his voice hard.

Watanuki flinched, his cheeks pink. "No… but, I actually _know_ Doumeki. I talk to him too… I don't just… follow his every move."

"Fai, it's like you're a stalker," Shaoran muttered, leaning forward. "We're cool if you want to get with him, but…"

"If you won't talk to him, we'll eventually do it for you," Sakura interjected.

"Whoa, I thought you didn't approve," Fai said, astonished, wide-eyed.

Sakura huffed, rearranging herself like a ruffled bird, "You're making a fool of yourself. I thought I'd put you out of your misery," she muttered.

Fai reached out and gave her a one armed hug, then turned back to watch the shirtless basketball team warm up.

They had a very nice view.

**XxXxXxX**

"December," Sakura sighed, flipping through a novel, thoroughly bored, "Why did Haruka-sensei have to assign such a dull book in December?" She smoothed her skirt, tucking her legs underneath it as she settled into the concrete.

Shaoran leaned against the wall next to her, "'Cause he's evil."

"_Animal Farm _isn't that bad," Watanuki commented, looking up from his cell phone mid-text.

"Yes it is," Sakura and Fai murmured, both wearing twin expressions of horror.

"Oh! Thanks for the tape of the concert last week," Fai said, brightening, turning to Shaoran.

Shaoran shrugged, "Eh. Whatever."

Fai rolled his eyes, peering over at Watanuki's phone. The two engaged in a cell phone battle, Watanuki shrieking about privacy and Fai about dirty messages.

Shaoran nudged Sakura with his knee, "Look, it's lover-boy," he muttered, pointing to a disgruntled looking Kurogane, kicking his car's tire.

"Why yes it is," Sakura purred.

The two watched as the sophomore tried in vain to start his car, then riffle through his bag in annoyance. He threw up his hands, then scanned the parking lot. The two averted their gaze for a few seconds as Kurogane looked at their group. When they looked back, he was making his way reluctantly over.

"Does anyone have a cell phone?"

Fai looked over, freezing. _Oh, god, he's talking to us! _

Sakura batted her eyelashes at him, smiling sweetly. Fai was terrified.

_Oh shit. _

"Fai has one."


	10. Exam Two: Come With Me

**A/N:**_Ehmagod. The Clique rubbed off on me. Novels like those are my guilty pleasure. Lol. If you've read, you can see it. 'Air quotations', lol… If it's not already obvious, I've changed their ages. I've made them all a year younger than they were in Desperation. I know this chapter is short, and I wanted it to be longer, but my keyboard died on the computer I use for wordprocesssing (IE, the computer that doesn't have internet), and I ended up typing this on my dad's old laptop which was weird! XD Anyway, sorry for shortness. (This isn't editied by the way, so I'll be cleaning it up as I go... Ugh, I hate not being able to use my own computer...) _

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**Gothix, Exam Two: **_Come With Me_

Kurogane was livid to say the least; he stayed dutifully to make up a test that he'd purposefully missed, and now his car wouldn't start. "Karma?" he wondered, kicking his tire in annoyance. He'd decided at the beginning of the year that he wouldn't live like his aunt's family—he didn't have anything against them or anything, but the money made him think of his parents, who were the only people in the world that he actually cared enough to try to forget about. But suddenly, he was regretting the decision to buy an old, three-hundred dollar car. He plunged his hand into his pocket, searching for his cell phone.

Not there. Not in his book bag either. He turned his head, hearing some people goofing off, and he gave a disgruntled sigh of something akin to relief. Better them than nothing at all. It was 'The Gothix', air quotations and everything.

They were new to the school's social ladder, if the rumors he'd heard were anything to go by. He didn't care, really. He hated to speak to anyone; even people within his own clique. Everyone accepted it too, else they were pounded into a pulp. He did not spare people his animosity; he hated anyone and everyone. People dodged him in the halls, barely spoke to him in class.

He didn't mind. These were the children he grew up with, the last people he ever wanted to talk to. He noted in distaste that one of the few people left behind was Clow's kid. Well, he wasn't exactly, and he'd actually seen the boy more times with the principal, but he was still stuck as Clow's kid.

_Gee fucking whiz. _

He mentally debated whether he should even try and opt to walk home (all twelve miles, _damn why was the school in the middle of no-freaking-where?!_) or talk to the group (he absolutely refused to call them by their ridiculous name; they would always be 'the-social-nobodies-who-those-of-us-higher-in-the-status-quo-can-never-be-seen-with' as some of his teammates called them, or just simply, those who were outside of the 'me' category and in the 'them' slot.)

Kurogane snorted, pushing aside his antisocial temperament in the need for a cell phone. He walked up to the four freshmen, acutely aware of two sets of eyes on him.

"Does anyone have a cell phone?"

All four teens honed in on him, the two smirking as if sharing a silent joke, Clow's kid was standing slightly agape, looking like he was wondering why the hell he was speaking to them.

_I feel you. _

The other was a lithe blonde who was sprawled out on his butt on the cement, a cell phone clasped in his hands. He blinked wide-eyed up at the sophomore, his features switching from reverent to that of horror when they settled on the girl.

"Fai has one," the girl purred. Her boyfriend smirked, "Fai _definitely_ has one."

"And Fai is…?"

The boy sprawled out on the ground sat blinking for a moment, then raised his hand hesitantly, like he was in class, "I'm Fai," he said slowly, as if he was unsure, "I'm Fai Flowright. It's not my phone, sorry. Mine's completely dead," he said, his words acid. He threw a glance at his friends, silently stabbing them for doing this, "_Somebody_ dropped it in the sink… I can, however, help you out in another arena." He fidgeted, dusting off his pants absently. His group wolf-whistled behind him, and Kurogane raised an eyebrow.

The blonde turned dark red, rolling his eyes, "If you'll accept the offer, I can drive you home. I've got a car."

"Alright, I live on—"

"Shirasaki Street, across from the Tavern," Fai murmured, swinging his bag over his shoulder, waving a hand in dismissal, "Yeah, I know."

Kurogane raised an eyebrow at the freshman, "How do you know where I live? —Wait, no, what else do you know about me?"

Fai blushed, squirming softly as he fiddled with his bag. "You're a sophomore, you helped lead our school to the basketball playoffs, you're co-captain of the kendo team, you live on Shirasaki Street, and you're infamous for your temper."

"And how…?"

Fai started to count off on his fingers, "People talk about you a lot, I went to the basketball game, and I just happened to see you go into your apartment while I was performing at the Tavern. Don't worry, I don't stalk you."

"Much," Sakura and Shaoran echoed. Fai chewed on his lip, his eyes widening. "They don't mean that," he urged, "Let me take you home."

Kurogane rolled his eyes, "It's not like I have a choice," he grunted.

Fai's face lightened considerably, and it seemed like he was floating as he sauntered over to the sophomore. He took his arm, tugging him along, "Yay! Kuro-tan's accepting my help!"

"What the hell was that?!"

"Kuro-tan? Oh, it's a nickname; your real name is rather long to say, don't you think?" Fai hummed, skipping across the pavement.

Kurogane groaned heavily; what the hell had he gotten himself into? "Look, my name's Kurogane; we don't know each other well enough to give nicknames," he snapped.

Fai wilted, poking his lower lip out cutely, "But…." He seemed to be severely crushed at the news. Kurogane sighed, watching the boy's face shimmer between almost crying to a smile, like the freshman was unsure which expression to plaster on his pretty face.

"Okay, fine. But don't make me sound like a freaking girl," Kurogane hissed, looking pointedly away. Something about the blonde screamed 'don't hurt me, please'. Maybe it was the huge, blue, bambi eyes, or the mop of blonde hair that fell across his forehead, shadowing his face mysteriously, or his creamy white skin that made him look like—wait, no! he was not thinking that! Ugh.

Fai, on the other hand, was completely embracing his thoughts of Kurogane. He could not believe that Sakura had done that! But, if it got him face time with the completely drool-worthy sophomore, it was worth it. She'd get blessed out, minimally. He wanted to reach out, run his fingers through the taller boy's hair, press his mouth against his skin, ask him all sorts of questions… He felt his cheeks turn red, and he bit his lip harder, fumbling for his keys, "Here we are!"

Kurogane looked at the hunk of old car that sat before them. It was a 1980s LeSabre Buick, almost tank-like in it hulky-station-wagonness. It looked like it would barely run.

"I got her for under two-hundred, but she runs like a charm," Fai announced, unlocking the passenger door for Kurogane. "Get in, get in!"

Kurogane eyed the car suspiciously. It looked like it would collapse under his weight; it was already fairly close to the ground from age. He was certainly heavier than this boy, Fai, that was obvious. It looked like the blonde was going to fade away at any moment. Slowly, he slid into the car, uncomfortable even after Fai cheerily closed the door on him, and slid into the drivers' seat moments later. He started the car, humming quietly as he flipped on the stereo. "What kind of music do you like?"

"Don't listen to music," the sophomore grumbled, looking out the window irritably. He could hear Fai gasp behind him, the utter shock was tangible.

"I'll have to remedy that," Fai muttered, "So I guess we'll start with mine, huh? Egotistical, yes, but _necessary_."

"What are you blabbering about?"

Fai began to rummage in the compartment between the seats until he pulled out a tape, "A-ha!" he cried, popping the cassette into its proper place in the stereo. "Listen to this, and be blown away!"

A rock band began to play, and even though the acoustics were bad (it sounded like it had been recorded in a tin can), Kurogane (with his limited music input) could tell that the band was good. It took him a minute to realize that this was Fai's band, the elusive Gothix.

He listened to the song silently as Fai drove away from the school. The songs didn't really hit a nerve until one about halfway through the drive.

"_Pain, without love, _

_Pain, I can't get enough, _

_Pain, I like it rough, _

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all: _

_You're sick of feeling numb, _

_You're not the only one; _

_I'll take you by the hand, and _

_I'll show you a world you a world you can understand…"_

"Is this your band?"

Fai laughed, "How did you know?"

"It sounds live, and you said you preformed at the Tavern. So it's not a rumor after all."

"Nah; but, to most of the people at Koryo, it will be. I don't just let random people listen."

"I'm not?"

"You, Kuro-sama, are special," Fai admitted, his face pink.

Kurogane blinked; this was certainly an odd situation. Normally, he would be cussing him out, but something stopped him. This boy was so familiar to him, but he was sure he'd never met him before. "The song's a little morbid, don't you think?"

Fai smiled so sadly that it almost felt like Kurogane's heart was being torn from his body for no reason at all. "I should have known you wouldn't get it," he whispered, "Because you're popular. People look up to you… You wouldn't know what it's like to be numb…"

"No. I get the numb part—that I understand completely," Kurogane confessed. Why was he even talking to this freshman? Why was he going with him? What was this? "I don't get the pain part."

Fai pulled up in front of Kurogane's apartment building. It was such a short ride. Fai wished it could have lasted longer. "Pain… brings focus… It keeps you from the feeling of nothingness. It anchors you to reality."

"You say it like you know it."

"I know it."

Kurogane nodded, sliding out of Fai's car. Fai leaned over, suddenly grabbing the back of the sophomore's shirt, surprising both himself and Kurogane.

"Please, come with me," he whispered.

"What?"

"I can teach you how to stop feeling numb," Fai promised, "I've done it before, I can help you."

Kurogane searched Fai's eyes, seeing nothing but expanses of dark blue and his own reflection. He had no clue of the depth of devotion and sorrow those eyes could hold. If he did, he wouldn't have bothered thinking about his answer. He would have tugged the blonde into his arms then and there; but at the time, he didn't know, so he stood, thinking, mulling over the options. "Fine."

Fai smiled in relief, letting go of the hem of Kurogane's shirt, "Thank you, Kuro-sama," he breathed. "Trust me… Now! Should I continue to pick you up until your car gets fixed?"

Kurogane crossed his arms, "Aw, hell, why not?" he grunted. It was better than walking. And Fai wasn't as annoying as he seemed.

Fai grinned like he was just presented the entire universe, "Oooh! Yay!" he cried. "Kuro-wanwan is such a nice puppy!"

The sophomore rolled his eyes in disgust at the freshman, instantly taking back the annoying thing.

What the hell had he gotten himself into?

If only he had known.


	11. Lesson Five: Transition Time

**A/N:**_ I like the Chobits references I keep putting in. It fits very nicely. Fai and Chobits go together nicely, I think. I just barely saved this chapter from filler-dom... But it was supposed to be one anyway. Next chapter is their first date! In time for V-Day! I'm thinking of putting in a bonus chapter for V-Day, a DouWata thing... I'm eventually going to do it anyway, but I don't know when a good time is... *sigh* Anyway, enjoy! (BTW, the song last chapter was "Pain" by Three Days Grace, I forgot to put it down.) _

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson Five: **_Transition Time_

Fai watched as Kurogane went into the building before sliding down in his seat, hyperventilating. He pressed his forehead to the steering wheel, feeling like his heart would burst from his throat if he stayed straight. "Holy fuck, what?" he groaned, rubbing his temples. That was the most wracking fifteen minutes of his life. He pulled out his cell phone, hitting speed-dial.

"Hello?" Sakura called, sounding completely smug. Fai instantly launched into a long burst of swearing and incoherent yelling, continuing until he ran out of breath.

"Uhm," the girl mumbled, "Can you repeat that? I didn't understand a word. But I assume you're mad?"

Fai took a deep breath, closing his eyes, "Yes, I'm mad," he murmured, "But I'm also so incredibly happy that I can't even tell you! You get chocolates and flowers for this one!"

Sakura giggled, "You bet. So, what happened?"

"I took him home, and now I'm going to be taking him back and forth from school until his car is fixed."

Fai babbled on happily for a while, until Sakura interrupted him, "Fai, we do need to talk about this."

"We?"

"Watanuki, Shaoran, and myself. There's…. a lot you should know about him before you get serious."

Fai sighed, "There's a lot you need to know about me, too," he whispered, hanging up after a long, awkward silence. He slumped forward in his seat, suddenly completely drained. Every bit of happiness in his body seemed to flee from him, and he had no more strength to try and hang onto it. He dug his nails into his palms until he felt them bite deep into the skin.

A chill fell across his skin, and he shivered, finally turning his car back on. He drove home in silence, wondering if he could possibly be happy.

_Once, I lost something precious to me; it hurt very badly. The time after I lost my precious thing was very painful… but one day, I will be able to reclaim that precious thing. _

"Oh, mom," Fai mourned, "I can never find what I lost… Because it _died_. I can't allow myself to loose it again…"

**XxXxXxX**

It was far too early for someone to be this cheery. Kurogane stared blankly at Fai as the blonde chattered about… something… He was too sleepy to figure out what. Apparently, Fai believed in arriving _on time_ for school; normally Kurogane would sleep to the last possible moment (unless he had morning practice for kendo or basketball), then pull on jeans, brush his teeth, then jet. But, no… Fai came at least thirty minutes earlier than Kurogane was used to, _every single day_.

"How much coffee do you freaking drink!?" Kurogane blurted, already exhausted from listening to Fai for all of… two minutes. God, for an emo kid, he was really happy.

Fai blinked, falling silent, like he was thinking, "I don't drink coffee in the mornings, Kuro-chuu."

"So you're just stupid, then."

"That's not nice," Fai whined, his eyes trained on the road for the first time that morning.

Kurogane snorted, "I don't care," he informed the blonde, "As long as it will get you to _shut up_."

"You could've just _asked_," the freshman mumbled, chewing on his lip. He slowed for a stoplight, one of the few on their route, drumming his fingers against the wheel… but he didn't say anything else.

Kurogane crossed his arms, leaning back into his seat. He had this sinking feeling that he really had offended the blonde. No sense apologizing. He was through being pitied—he was sure that the kid with the glasses had spilled it all, and that Fai's overzealousness was just because he was appalled.

Fai pulled up to the back curb, letting the car idle in place, "Get out," he mumbled.

"Aren't you going to park?"

"It's cold, go to class," the freshman muttered. He gripped the wheel harder, biting hard on his lip. He could taste the blood welling up from under it; so he did have a horrible temper. He'd been warned beforehand, yes, but…

"We could both—"

"Not going to school, get out."

"You're skipping?"

"Get _out_," Fai hissed icily.

"Fine," Kurogane snapped, grabbing his bag before storming out of the car. Sheesh, what was up with that kid? It was like he was male-PMSing. Something in the back of his mind piped up, irritated, as it reminded him that it was _he _who had been rude first, and that he probably really hurt the freshman. "Why?" he grumbled to himself, making his way to the gym. Why did it bother him? He routinely offended people; most had the sense to stay away from him in the first place.

_Maybe he doesn't know_, some small voice offered. Kurogane snorted at it; everyone knew about him. _That little twat just needs to give up_, he told himself.

Meanwhile, Fai drove around to the front circle, cell phone to his ear, "It's mental health day," he complained to Sakura. "You guys should totally skip with me. We could go to Starbucks then hang at the mall in Recourt."

Sakura sighed, giving in. No use arguing with Fai. "Fine. Where are you?"

"Front circle."

"Gimme a minute to gather our forces."

Fai hummed happily as a temporary goodbye, then hung up, dropping his head to the steering wheel as he waited. He stared at his fingers, trying to ignore the painful throb in his chest, "It's not like we're even friends…"

He knew he should settle with just being acquaintances; but he'd be overjoyed to be friends with the moody sophomore. He sighed softly, "But what then? Would I want more then?"

He would. Something deep within him knew that he would never be happy with just being friends. Like his heart and body had acknowledged the fact long before his brain could even process the fact that he was in… It seemed to be a cycle with him; he wanted something, but after he got it, he wanted more. He always wanted that one extra thing. Would he ever be happy?

No, he wouldn't. No he couldn't. Happiness led to complacency. And complacency, with the life he led, was bad. He couldn't stand the pain of losing everything again… Because even if he could stay here, in Koryo, he would eventually lose the things that made it home.

"How selfish of me, trying to force myself on him," Fai muttered.

"What? You try to rape Suwa?" Shaoran asked, sliding into the backseat, Watanuki following him in. Sakura climbed into the front seat, poking Fai in the ribs, "Cheer up, emo kid!"

"_Noooo_," Fai whined, straightening in his seat. He waited until the car in front of him drove off before pulling out.

"Does the skip day have anything to do with him?" Sakura asked, trying not to sound interested as she surveyed her nails. "Suwa, you know?"

"What makes you ask?" Fai asked, laughing shakily, his teeth finding their way to his bottom lip. Sakura snuck a look at him, giggling.

"Exhibit A: You're chewing your lip like you always do when you're emotionally distressed," Sakura called, "You really oughta get a new bad habit, or I'm smearing hot chili paste on your lips like chap stick."

"Yuck."

"Exhibit B," Shaoran chimed in, "Normally you do mental health days alone."

Fai nodded, trying not to speed—he wanted to get out of Koryo's city limits as soon as possible. This was true—mental health days were days when school would cause him an emotional breakdown; generally it was after a bad bought of nightmares or when his depression kicked in. (A voice in the back of his head nagged at him to get his refill before he had to get a new script.) It was something for him only; not even Sakura was allowed near him on mental health days.

"Exhibit C," Watanuki finished, "Suwa was stomping through the hallways muttering about dumb, bipolar blondes."

Fai chuckled nervously, "He really does have one hell of a temper," he amended. "I sort of… pissed him off…"

"Maybe you both need some time to get used to each other," Watanuki mused.

"I don't think we'll ever get used to each other," Fai said softly.

"He'll get used to you," all three said with the same note of finality. "Or else."

The blonde shrugged; "I don't know, maybe," he muttered. "… But I won't pick him up after school today," he added stubbornly.

**XxXxXxX**

"_Sorry," he grunted, looking a little irritated; he shifted in the seat, his eyes flicking past scenery. _

_I turn my head to the side, smiling despite myself. I had promised not to today; but I can't help it—he's talking to me again. Apologizing to me. How can I not smile? A bemused little quirk tips my lips slightly, and my eyebrow rises, signaling him to look to the side and sigh. He grumbles a little under his breath. Over the turn of the engine, it sounds something like the jumbled mess of what once was 'I didn't mean to upset you' that was muttered all in one breath. _

_Yes, my ears are that good—but I won't let him know that. Oh, no, I'll make him work. "Didn't hear you," I mutter sullenly, trying very hard to get my excitement out of my voice. "Sorry," I tack on for good affect. _

_Kurogane grit his teeth, and I steal a glance at him, a grin threatening to pull apart my mock-pout. He's so adorably stubborn, like a child. I pull in front of his apartment building, cutting the engine. _

"_I didn't mean to upset you," he says, louder. But now that the car is off, it comes across as too loud, and I giggle as he seems to ruffle in unease. He obviously doesn't apologize—or talk to others often, a trait that I need to remember; I can't rely on his experience with people to cover my own lack of— and so he babbles to fill the awkward silence that follows. "I didn't know you were so touchy. You just seem like the type to not get insults—"_

"_Kuro-tan, you're babbling," I say quietly, an amused smile tugging upon my lips. I turn towards him, crossing my legs in the car seat (a feat I'm proud of, because I'm almost as tall as Watanuki). "I get the message. I'm sorry too." _

"_What for?" _

"_I deserted you yesterday. Did you manage to get a ride?" _

"_Yeah." _

"_Good… good," I muse. We fall into silence again, staring at each other, waiting for somebody to say something. Funny thing is, it's not awkward at all. I feel at peace—all the buzzing in my head ceases, all the pain dies from ever-present throb to a dull ache, I can feel my easy-going smile fade on my face, but I'm not frowning. I don't feel like I have to talk, I don't feel like I'm going to lose it… I won't lose this moment, I won't lose this person. I am calm. I relinquish all my chaos. Even my guilt is forgotten in this moment. I wonder if he can feel it. This… rightness…Disarms me. Disenchants me. Beguiles me… I lean forward, hazy with it all. _

_He does to, at the same time. _

_His hands are on my shoulders. Warmth flows down from where he touches me, settling in my stomach, along with the flock of birds that suddenly have taken up residence there. I swallow. We're so close. Does he notice how close we are? Do I notice? Of course I do—I can feel his breath across my skin; I can smell him. I tremble. Too much. This is too much. He's too close to me—I could simply weep from joy. He's close to me, his hands are on my shoulders—wait, he's moving one up to my face—his face is next to mind. My hair is in my eyes. His hand is on my cheek, his mouth is moving. Oh, he's speaking. I'm dizzy from it all. _

"_I don't know how to act around you," he says, softly, kindly. I'm taken away by the warmth in his low voice. His fingers hook under my jaw, behind my ear, and he gently pulls me forward. _

_Oh… my… I do believe he's going to kiss me. How wonderful would that be? Wait… no, how horrible would that be!? I want him to do this, but I can't have him do this. It would be reckless, irresponsible. One day, I'll… and I can't… I want him so badly, but! He and I… No, never. Besides, I'm not a girl. I know I look like one, but… no, I don't. Don't fool myself. But I can't have him… I want him, and I can't. I'm horrible for even being near him. He'll be… one day… _

_All this flies through my head at light speed. A trembling gasp falls out of my mouth, and I move to bit my lip to keep me steady and silent, but I'm too slow. Or maybe he's too fast… But, before I can stop him, he presses his lips to my parted ones. _

_Oh… my… god. _

_And I'm kissing back. All qualms I had before have left me, like my guilt, reason, and pain. I'm warm all over, but I want more. My hands rise from my lap, clutching at his back as my arms wrap around his neck. I lean up onto my knees, and he pulls me close, kissing me harder. _

_Oh… my… god. _

_It's too good. I can't feel my body, except for where his hands and mouth are. I can't even breathe anymore. I've died, that's it. And this is my little portion of hell. The first circle in my own personal hell. But I can't stop. I know it's wrong, but I can't stop. _

_If I don't stop now, I'll pull him down. _

_If I don't stop now, I'll crush him. _

_If I don't stop now, I'll put him in danger. _

_If I don't stop now, I'll kill him._

_And still… I can't stop. He pulls away reluctantly; he too, was unwilling to stop. He grins crookedly, and I fall in love just a little more. Is it possible to love someone this much?! I feel like I'm about to burst. I've loved him since I saw him. I loved him more when I learned about him. I love him, I love him, I love him. God, it's not even funny. I've known him for barely a week, and I'm talking about love. But I knew it when I saw him in that library; he was the one I was looking for, he was the one mother talked about, he was the one meant to take me away from it all! I loved him then; I would love him now, no matter what; I'll always love him; I love him… _

_But he would hate me if he knew about me. He would be repulsed. He would not even want to look at me. _

_I open my eyes slowly—funny, I hadn't known they were closed. I chew my lip quietly, my hands stroking his face, his hands mimicking my own movements. Tears blur my eyes until everything fades away… _

_And then I know I'm asleep. _

He slid his sleeve over his eyes, the thin cotton soaking up his tears. He sat up slowly, tracing his lips with his fingers. "A dream," Fai whispered sadly. He looked around, trying to regain a sense of reality. He sat on the floor of his bathroom, blood-soaked rags and bandages littering the floor. He looked down at himself, frowning softly as a headache throbbed at the base of his neck from sleeping on the floor; he was clothed in the white long-sleeved cotton tee he'd worn under his clothes to school that day and his boxers. The water for a shower still ran in the bathtub, and he scrambled to shut the faucet off, thankful that the plug was out of the drain.

He grit his teeth, trying to remember what happened. But before that, he realized with irritation, he really needed that shower. He rubbed his temples with chilly fingers, trying to ignore the fact that he had a raging hard-on from that dream.

The shower would be too cold, he reasoned. He sat back against his tub, trying to think clearly between his confusion, headache, and erection.

He'd come home from the mental health day… in serious need of a mental health day. It had been the mall.

"_Oh, Fai, look!" Sakura squealed, pointing to the other side of the open-air food court. Fai followed her gaze, then paled considerably. He grabbed the table to keep his hands from shaking. _

"_Aren't they adorable?" _

_Fai licked his lips anxiously. "Y-yeah…" _

"_What's wrong?" _

"_Doesn't it bother you?" _

_Sakura shook her head, "It hurts, but I've accepted that what happened was a misfortunate accident." _

"_It bothers me," he said slowly, shaking his head, unable to shake the images from his mind. _

Red. Blood. Red. Fire. Black. Darkness. Blood.

Blonde hair stained red; his head caved in upon itself.

His father, amongst the wreckage, holding the lighter up to the bottle of vodka. His father, with blood on his hands. His brother, his mother, dead with blood around them. The fire. The darkness.

The scent of flesh searing in the smoke.

The room fuzzed from his vision.

_Sakura let the conversation drop, watching Fai warily as he stared after the two little children. _

_Perfect mirrors of each other, with blonde hair. Dressed in sailor suits, holding hands, following their mother around docilely. Smiles on their cherubic faces as they giggled and laughed… Blonde twins. _

_The only thing that was wrong with the picture was that they had striking green eyes, instead of blue… And that he was alone, and grown up. _

_Any other way, and he would have thought that the mall had produced a mirror of the past. _

_He wanted to run and scoop the two up, hold them against his chest and sob, to tell them to always hang onto each other, lest they be in pain for their entire life. _

_But then he remembered that they were not he and him. _

That's right… he'd come home… and… tried to join with his twin. He could hear him in his head, screaming from when their father decided to deviate, go after him instead of himself. He could hear him screaming his name…

"_HELP ME!" _

And then it was his own voice, but not his own voice, calling him to come… And then he tried.

But couldn't. A name stopped him. A voice stopped him.

"_You must live."_

"Hearing voices now," Fai laughed, banging his head against the tub. "Oughta get that checked out." He sighed; it was no use to become hysterical.

Which brought him to his other problem… Kurogane…

With a final sigh, he pushed his hands down his boxers and allowed himself the indulgence in a sin he should have never allotted himself.

**XxXxXxX**

Maybe he was crazy; he was certainly masochistic. But it was Monday morning, and Kurogane had to get to school somehow. So, there Fai sat, waiting in front of the sophomore's apartment complex, drumming his fingers against the wheel in time to the music that blared from the speakers.

He waited, and waited.

Finally, about twenty minutes before school, Kurogane exited the building, keys in hand. He stopped on the steps, eyebrow raised. He looked to his own car, then to Fai's.

Fai bit his lip, waiting.

Kurogane came forward, then opened the door, sliding in. "Bastard."

"Hm, well that's a change from 'hello, good morning'," he commented.

"Why are you here?"

"Because I promised I'd drive you to and from school. I'm trying to stay green, you know."

"Liar."

"Caught me."

"Why didn't you pick me up on Friday if you wanted to so badly?"

"I was mad, and I was upset."

"Sorry."

"Wait, what?"

Kurogane looked over at Fai, bristling in embarrassment. "I said I was sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I didn't know you were such a sensitive little prick."

Fai laughed despite himself, pulling out of his parking spot. "It's okay. We need some time to adjust."

"Why do you want to pick me up and stuff?"

"Like I said, I wanted to stay green."

"Like I said: Liar," Kurogane countered.

Fai sighed slowly. "I wanted to get to know you better," he whispered slowly. "My friends keep telling me that you're not the person you seem to be…"

Kurogane hissed in anger, and Fai rolled his eyes, smiling warmly. "But, you see, I told them to screw off. I want to find out about you from you, not anyone else. 'Cause, you see, there's a lot you don't know about me… and I know I'd be all sorts of mad if someone started talking about my demons without my permission."

"You're too stupid to be that smart."

Fai laughed sadly, "All is not what it seems to be with me." He stopped, pulling over on the side of the road. He shut off the car, pulling his legs up into the seat. He turned his head to the side, looking at Kurogane, "I asked because I like you a lot, and I wanted to know why." Fai blinked, looking a little shocked, like he'd just said something he hadn't meant to.

Kurogane crossed his arms over his chest, watching the blonde. This boy didn't even look hopeful—he looked like a kicked puppy, curled in upon himself, waiting for the blow to come. He could tell that Fai felt guilty for liking him. This was different. "You know I may not be gay," he warned the boy.

"Yes," Fai whispered, "But I realized that it didn't matter to me. I just want… to be around you."

"That's the most unselfish thing I've ever heard. You're a fucking moron."

Fai laid his head on his knees, his hair falling over his face. "Mm, so you've said."

"Do you ever do anything for yourself?"

"I asked you to come with me," Fai pointed out.

"Ah, yeah. It would be better if you ask me out."

"I don't get you," the blonde said, "Are you angry with me, or not?"

Kurogane paused—what was it that he was feeling? It wasn't anger, it was relief. Relief that Fai was being kind to him under his own steam, not because of pity; that was mixed in with guilt, because he'd been so rotten. And then there was this rushing feeling, like he'd just jumped from the roof or something, in the pit of his stomach. It made him feel fluttery, and as prissy as it felt, he didn't mind it at all.

"Nope."

"Wow," Fai mumbled. He looked up, his cheeks bright red, "Do you like me, or…?" he stammered out.

"You ain't half-bad," Kurogane said nonchalantly. "I wouldn't mind going out with you."

Fai broke into a grin. "Yay!" he laughed, sounding like he very much wanted to cry. "So, now that that is settled, would you like to come to the Christmas party at the Tavern with me? All the bands get to come."

"I'll think about it."


	12. Lesson Six: Fairytales

**A/N**_**:** I want Kuro's apartment!!! Oh, and— Date! Date! Date! (That reminds me of Hiromu from Sukisho…) Title is explained in very vague foreshadowing that will leave some people with ulcers. Songs: "Yours to Hold" by Skillet; "Trust Me" by The Fray. (The entire song! How did that happen?! O_O)_

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson Six: **_Fairytales _

It was astounding how lonely he felt at the moment. At first he chalked it up to boredom: the first few days of break were always lagging—no plans had been made for those few days before the events started, and nothing could be done, for everyone was getting ready for the plans they'd already made. No one to talk to, no songs to sing, no parties, no nothing.

Fai closed his Myspace page, sighing. No messages, no friends online, no nothing. He was massively _bored_…

No… he was _lonely_. He wanted a cat… or something. Just anything to take his mind off of it. He laid his head in his arms, closing his eyes wearily. He was so tired; he felt like collapsing upon the floor.

Once the euphoria had worn off, a crushing sense of impending doom settled upon him after Monday's escapade. It was wearing him down slowly, grating on everything. He constantly felt like someone was following him, watching him, waiting for the right moment to take him… Unfortunately, this wasn't too far from the truth of the reality.

It took its toll fiercely, without abandon. It snagged away his will to move, eat, breath… even to smile, his only weapon against the bleakness. His lips were chapped from constantly chewing on them, and he'd actually had to move onto his nails because of the pain from a particularly deep split. His friends chalked up his nerves to final exams, but that was farthest from Fai's real worries…

No hope left in the world. No reason left to go on. He'd been selfish enough to drag his friends into the mess he called his life, but _Kurogane_ too?! Reckless. Selfish. Conspicuous.

Maybe it was because he was altruistic by nature, but what Fai really wanted was to keep everyone around him safe and happy. And by being in their lives, he couldn't ensure that. He realized with a pang, scrolling through his cell phone, that his friends could be happy even without him.

Everyone was doing their own thing right now—this was the part of the year that he hated the most: Christmas. It was not a holiday he could pass off in solitude; he'd learnt that ages ago… but before, it wasn't that hard. It was like he hadn't understood what true loneliness felt like until he had solidarity.

Fai sighed, looking at the names, one by one.

Sakura had a shopping trip with her family. She secretly confided in Fai that she was going to try and get her parents to let her spend Christmas with Shaoran's mostly matriarchal family.

Shaoran and his twin Syaoron were also being dragged out to shop with their mother and many sisters. (Not that Fai would admit that he wanted to hang out with Shaoran.)

And Watanuki was busy, along with Clow, with the yearly effort of keeping Yuuko sober while handling the holiday rush to the small familial store.

Fai continued to hit the down-button, and then paused. He'd forgotten he'd added that number. He really shouldn't.

_Really_… he **shouldn't**. There was no use in dragging himself further downward. No need for more guilt, more sorrow, more (mostly) unrequited longing.

But he wanted to. So badly. He didn't want to spend his days alone; he didn't want to fall further into his spiral into oblivion. He didn't want to keep digging downward from the bottom.

He didn't want the pain, either. But it was to come one way or the other, so why not enjoy himself for a few hours before it crippled him?

The phone on the other side rang, once, twice…. Then…

"Hello?"

"Hi!"

"Oh, god…"

Fai giggled softly, twirling his finger around a long strand of hair. "You sound like you don't want to talk to me, Kuro-sama," he whined, leaning back in his chair.

Kurogane grunted into the phone, shrugging even though he knew Fai couldn't see him.

"What are you doing today?"

The teen blinked, thinking for a second, "Nothing really. Well, mostly trying to avoid going shopping."

"Can I come over?"

There was a slight pause, "Well… I don't see why not."

"Oh, yay!" Fai squealed into the phone, "I have a surprise for you!"

"Oh, god," Kurogane groaned.

"I'll be there soon!" the blonde promised before hanging up.

He stood from his chair slowly, smiling to himself a little. He had, not only the perfect surprise for Kurogane, but the perfect excuse to worm himself into the sophomore's life just a little bit more.

**XxXxXxX**

It was only when he sat and thought about it, did he feel alone. Kurogane was not a people person by nature. When he lived with his aunt and cousins, he routinely locked himself in his room during Christmas time.

He still avoided shopping trips with Tomoyo like the plague, but he was a little disappointed that she gave up so easily this year. She and Sonomi were still upset about his sudden decision to move; they felt a little betrayed that he up and decided that he didn't need them. Ameterasu didn't care either way.

But he wouldn't go so far as to say he was relieved when Fai finally called him. No, at first, he was irritated, remembering the freshman jump-tackling him to steal his phone and program it with who-knows what. (He still hadn't fixed the ring tones.) But… something akin to relief washed through his entire body. Tension that he didn't even know had been there was suddenly mitigated—it was an odd feeling.

Was it that he actually cared for the little twerp? He still hadn't been able to pin-point the reason he'd said yes to Fai.

But something within him cried out against hurting the blonde. That same part begged him to keep Fai company; to keep him from loneliness. To save him from something… It was a nagging in the back of his head, one that got louder and louder every time he saw the blue-eyed boy, until it finally screamed and hijacked his entire being…

**XxXxXxX**

Fai stood in front of the door to Kurogane's apartment, nervous. He rubbed his hands together, ducking his head into the faux-fur collar of his jacket. His guitar cases bit into his shoulders as he shifted from foot to foot, debating on ringing the bell and calling Kurogane to let him know he was here.

He raised a hand shyly just as the door opened. Kurogane looked at him skeptically, his arms crossed over his broad chest. "Were you going to come in or stand there all day as a still-life tribute to idgits everywhere?"

Fai moved his hand to push Kurogane, scowling briefly, "I was about to," he whined loudly.

Kurogane rolled his eyes, moving inside, "Come in, dork."

The blonde smiled, slowly making his way inside; Kurogane closed the door behind him, and Fai gaped in wonder.

Kurogane's apartment was so much different from his own. It was warm and inviting, and it actually felt lived in.

They stood in a small, sunken little square that held a row of shoes, and a row of hooks that held keys, coats, and an umbrella.

"Take off your stuff," Kurogane commanded, lifting one of the cases from Fai's back. The boy blushed as the older teen's hands brushed against his cheek, but he nodded, pulling his coat off around the other case's strap. He pulled off his shoes as well, lining them up next to a pair of commando boots.

He cast his eyes around again as Kurogane moved past him, his blush darkening in excitement—the sophomore's home was just as wonderful as he dared to have imagined. He followed his companion up two stairs into a carpeted living area. The walls were a uniform color, a medium burnt-orange offset by cream colored piping that was just a shade darker than the carpet. Dark-stained wooden furniture accented the walls nicely, shelves loaded with trophies, movies, CDs and assorted books and magazines lined one wall; a matching coffee table sat in the middle of the room, while a multi-media center rested against the wall directly adjacent to the front door. An L-shaped sofa cordoned off the entire area, covered by a slightly rusty-colored upholstery. Fai peered over the couch, smiling at the small nest that had been made in the cushions—cream and red pillows were piled at one side, and a microfleece blanket was balled up next to the remote. The TV played in the background, turned down low. Several small plants filled the corners, and strange knick-knacks filled a few empty spaces on the table and shelves. A small, fireplace filled the wall next to him, picture frames strewn across the small shelf there.

Fai surveyed the rest of the rooms from his spot—he could see into the kitchen that was opposite to them, a huge open space with chrome fixtures and the same rustic colors throughout, and to the side opposite the TV was what seemed to be Kurogane's room. This seemed to be the only other room that deviated from the red-browns and red-oranges scheme—the walls were painted a light white-blue with navy trims and a wood floor. The rest of the room matched in crisp white and deep navy. He could see what seemed to be the bathroom door. He assumed that the laundry room was off of the kitchen.

"What're you staring at?"

"I love your apartment," Fai breathed quietly. He could mentally kick himself, however, for feeling so at home.

"I let Tomoyo decorate it," Kurogane said, rather gruffly. Fai smiled, "Did you help?" "A little," the sophomore admitted after a moment.

"I really do love it," Fai said emphatically.

Kurogane smirked, "So… what are these?"

Fai brightened, clapping his hands, "I thought I could teach you how to play guitar! And in return, you could teach me about sports!"

"Any particular sport?"

"Uh… the one with the ball and the, yeah, you know," Fai mumbled sheepishly.

Kurogane raised an eyebrow, "There are a lot of sports with balls."

"How about I let you chose?"

The sophomore laughed, walking around to settle back onto the sofa. Fai followed suit, squirming as he sat. He looked expectantly at Kurogane, folding his hands nervously in his lap.

"I'll think about it later."

"So… you'll do it?"

"I don't see why not; you already brought the stuff…. And it gives us something to have in common," Kurogane added gruffly, looking away from Fai. "You don't have to make excuses to hang out with me anymore."

Fai blushed happily, running his hand through his hair nervously. "I'd have run out of good ones," he admitted sheepishly, pulling out his guitar. He bent over his instrument, strumming on it absently. "…you'll eventually get tired of me anyway," he whispered.

Kurogane looked at Fai in horror, an unfamiliar feeling rising in his chest, constricting his throat. He tried to swallow, but it felt like something was stuck in his esophagus, choking him slowly. Fai looked so forlorn, leaning over his guitar, his hair falling in his eyes, the azure orbs deepened by sorrow and anxiety. He reached out, his hand moving seemingly on its own, and touched Fai softly on the cheek. He cupped the boy's face in his hand, lifting it gently so they could see eye to eye. "I wouldn't."

Fai trembled, smiling sadly. A heavy, melancholy sigh passed through parted lips. "I really shouldn't," he quietly sighed. "But I want to, is that okay?"

Kurogane's brow furrowed; "What?"

The blonde gave a mysterious smile, jerking away from the sophomore. The two sat in silence for a long moment, until Fai broke it, strumming on his guitar.

He ducked his head down, staring at the strings, plucking at them slowly until a melody started to form. His fingers slid easily to each fret—music was as easy to him as breathing. He hummed softly along, until he could let go of everything that pulled him down, that crushed him; until the music took away that little ball of ugliness that had been building in his heart and the doubt that consumed him floated away… And everything he wanted to say bubbled to the surface, desperate to be let out.

"_I see you standing here, but you're so far away… _

_Starving for your attention, _

_You don't even know my name_

_You're going through so much_

_But I know that I _

_Could be the one to hold you… _

_Every single day_

_I find it hard to say_

_That I could be yours alone_

_You will see someday_

_That all along the way_

_That I was yours to hold_

_I was yours to hold… "_

Kurogane leaned back, watching Fai sing and play. The teen was completely different; like he'd been lit by some internal fire. He'd heard Fai sing before, but not in person; it had always been on the way to school, via tape-player. This… seemed to be singular, directed solely to him.

In a way it was.

When the last note died, and Fai returned to his absent strumming, a spell seemed to be broken over both of them.

"Hey…"

The blonde shifted, turning away from Kurogane, turning red from his ears to his neck. He hadn't meant to start singing like someone out of a cheesy musical. Oh, gods, what had he ended up singing!? He closed his eyes tightly, chewing on his lip.

"You're actually really good, you know that?"

Kurogane watched in amusement as Fai hunched over his guitar a little more, the tips of his ears turned a deeper shade of red. "I don't have to pay for the lessons, do I?"

Fai chuckled, "No. Let's… uh… get started, then?"

"Sure."

**XxXxXxX**

Fai tapped his foot, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from licking his lips. For the first time since he came to Koryo, it was actually cold. The temperature was twenty-eight degrees, and the forecasters were threatening a white Christmas. Fai didn't mind—he'd grown up in a town that was under at least a foot of snow five or six months out of the year. He pushed his face down into the warmth of his jacket, rubbing his cheek absently against the soft faux fur that lined his collar. The skies were darkening to a deep slate-grey, and the cloud cover lowered ominously. Natives walked around him, laughing and squealing against the cold. Fai thought it was all over the top, but he supposed that to people who lived in Koryo all their lives, it would be cold.

He looked up just in time to see Kurogane exit his apartment, and Fai grinned happily, waving from his perch outside the Tavern.

Kurogane snorted, watching the blonde hop up and down, and held up a finger. He turned fitting his key into his lock, turning it quickly. Cold nipped at his bare fingers, and his breath billowed up in white clouds across his face.

He hurried across the street, unused to the temperature.

As soon as Kurogane reached the sidewalk in front of the Tavern, Fai launched himself at the sophomore, his guitar case banging against the small of his back. He nuzzled against Kurogane, humming happily.

Kurogane patted his head, rolling his eyes. Fai reminded him of an oversized cat. "Can we go inside? It's freaking freezing."

"No it's not," Fai contradicted him. "You southerners are just really susceptible."

"Yankee."

Fai stuck his tongue out, grabbing Kurogane's hands in his own. "Kuro-chan forgot his mittens!" he sang, rubbing them gently. He pursed his lips, blowing on Kurogane's hands.

The sophomore leaned forward, almost until their faces were touching. Fai blinked, turning a dark rose, "Ku-kuro-sama?"

Kurogane frowned, unsure of what he was doing. He yanked his hands away from Fai's warm ones, then stomped inside the club. Fai stood outside, watching after him dolefully for a few moments before racing in after him.

He had no clue what came over him; for a second, he thought he was going to end up kissing the blonde. Kurogane shook his head harshly, trying to rid himself of the thoughts. But he couldn't shake the desire—lately (lately as in the last few days), he'd been wondering more and more what it would be like to take Fai into his arms and…

"Kurogane, is there something wrong?" Fai asked quietly, looking up at the older teen.

Kurogane looked down, searching Fai's delicate face. The blonde looked reluctant and sad; a sort of guilty melancholic frown graced his lips, and his eyes were wide and innocent. The musician bit his lower lip, staring up at him.

Something seemed to rise in Kurogane's throat, "I… well… I…"

"You what? Is it because I invited you as a date? …Or because I've been hanging out around your house lately?"

"It's not—"

"If you're mad, please tell me," Fai begged. He couldn't stand it if Kurogane was mad at him. The thought of having to be away from the sophomore already terrified him—and that thought alone horrified him to the core. Eventually, he would have to be separated from the athlete. What would he do then?

"Fai! Come on, we have to perform!" Sakura cried, running up to grab Fai. She dragged him away, leaving Kurogane confused and slightly more irritated than he'd been before.

"I was having a conversation!" Fai hissed, stumbling after the girl.

"Sorry, but you were late!" she retorted, dragging him backstage.

"Well, I was having a conversation!"

"If lover-boy's going to get in the way of the band, then we'll break you two up," Shaoran threatened, tossing a music booklet at Fai.

The blonde caught it, flipping through it, "Ew, Christmas songs," he whined, "Don't we get to do any of ours?"

"We have to choose one Christmas song to put in our set," Watanuki informed Fai.

The freshman sighed, "Ah, well, it's members only tonight."

"Good, 'cause we don't have time for costuming," Sakura replied shortly, "Thanks to your flirting. We've gotta go on!"

"I was not!" Fai cried, pulling his guitar out of its case, "We were having a serious discussion!"

"Yeah, yeah; get out there!" Shaoran snapped, looking at his watch.

Fai laughed, leading the band out to the stage.

"_Looking for something I've never seen, _

_Alone and I'm in between; _

_The place that I'm from and the place that I'm in_

_A city I've never been_

_I found a friend—or should I say a foe—_

_Said, _

'_Just a few things you should know'_

_We don't want you to see: _

_We come and we go, _

_Here today, gone tomorrow… _

_We're only taking turns holding this world_

_It's how it's always been _

_When you're older, _

_You will understand…_"

Kurogane leaned against the wall, watching Fai over the rim of his cup. Again, it felt like Fai was singing just to him. The song was low key compared to the performances that he'd heard going to and from school—but the energy was still high among the mingling guests. Soon, everyone stopped to watch Fai and his friends, staring in rapt attention.

He watched the boy, feeling something build within him.

"_If I say who I know, it just goes to show_

_You need me less than I need you—_"

Kurogane frowned, "Do you even need me?" he mumbled, leaning forward.

"_Take it from me, we don't give sympathy_

_You can trust me—trust nobody—_

_But I said you and me_

_We don't have honesty_

_The things we don't want to speak_

_I'll try to get out, _

_But I never will!_

_Traffic is perfectly still… _

_We're only taking turns holding this world_

_It's how it's always been; _

_When you're older, _

_You will understand…!_"

It was odd, the way the song made him felt. It made him feel so extremely close to Fai, like he'd known him his entire life… but then, it made him feel like the blonde was someone else entirely.

"_And then again, maybe you won't! _

_And then again, maybe you won'!_

_When you're older, _

_You might understand."_

"I don't understand this at all."

"_When you're older, _

_You might understand._"

**XxXxXxX**

Fai climbed off the stage, laughing as people swarmed him. He waved away compliments like they were nothing.

"You were good."

The blonde stopped in his tracks, looking up at Kurogane. His eyes softened, his cheeks reddening slightly. He scuffed his foot, nodding, "It… it was nothing," he whispered nonchalantly. "Look, I'm sorry if I irritated you…"

"Come with me," Kurogane commanded, holding out Fai's jacket for him. The vocalist blinked, shrugging into his jacket in confusion.

Once the freshman was fully robed, Kurogane grabbed his hand, pulling him gently out of the club.

"What? What is it, Kurogane?" Fai called, jogging to keep up with the older teen.

Kurogane stopped once they were outside, standing where they had earlier. "Fai," he mumbled, "Do you know about me?" he blurted, tightening his hold on the blonde's hand.

Fai shook his head slowly, "No."

Kurogane nodded blankly, searching Fai's face. He was adorable; confusion mixed upon embarrassed and sheepish, his cheeks pink. His eyes were wide, damp strands of hair stuck to his cheeks and lashes, framing his face cutely.

The emotions that had been building inside Kurogane the entire day finally bubbled over, spilling out of his heart. He let go of Fai's hand, and for a split second, the freshman looked hurt.

He reached out, pulling the younger teen to him, lowering his head only slightly. He pressed his mouth to Fai's, kissing him gently. He was amazed at how right it felt.

Fai gasped, his hands going to Kurogane's chest to push him off in his split second of shock. He then sighed sadly, resigning himself to the fact that he would wake up soon. Kurogane's arms tightened around his waist, and the older teen pulled away, frowning, "Are you unhappy."

"Oh, no," Fai replied, shaking his head, "It's just, this is the part where I generally wake up."

"This isn't a dream, Fai."

"Prove it," the blonde said boldly, wrapping his arms around Kurogane's neck.

The athlete leaned down, pulling Fai into another kiss, deeper than the first.

Fai trembled, his knees going weak. This wasn't a dream, this was real. Kurogane was kissing him, holding him. …This was real.

This was heaven, this was ecstasy. He could die now and be fully content in his life.

Kurogane held Fai up, breaking away after a long moment. "Do you believe me now?"

"Yes," Fai whispered, "I do."

The two smiled, leaning against each other as the sky started to drop snow onto the town.

If only it were so picturesque.

**XxXxXxX**

In another town, far away, but not so far away, it too was snowing.

A man leaned against a grey concrete wall, watching it snow from behind the barred window of his cell. "Freya, dear, it's almost Christmas…" he murmured, running a hand through his hair. "I doubt our children will enjoy the present I have in store for them… If anything, Yuui will try to kill me… tooth and nail…"

He looked down at the homemade book he held. It was messy and faded, done in crayon and chipping paint. He held it close, closing his eyes as he sighed.

"And I, too… will try…"

He ran his fingers over the cover of the book, featuring two little stick-figures with rabbit ears. His hand covered the names, scrawled in a child's hand in bright blue crayon.

_**A book for Daddy!**_

_Fai and Yuui Flowright_

He covered them with the paperwork his lawyer had given him, reviewing it with a slow and steady dedication that would eventually bring him out of his godforsaken jail cell.

The world he brought his children into would be no fairytale, and would forever remain so. He should not, could not, and would not stop until they were gone from this world.

Until they lived happily never after here.

* * *

**A/N2:** _Well, he didn't exactly pop out and go "Boo!" like I was originally planning. Well, he'll still do that, but I at least gave you some clue where he was. Yes, I added it especially for you, Katie666, because I love you and I don't really want to keep torturing you. ^_^" _


	13. Exam Three: Beginnings

**A/N: **_HA. I know it happened differently in the original. But, if I just stick to what I wrote before, it would be boring! The major, major points will be the same, but I thought their relationship moved too fast in the beginning. Slight insight on Kurogane's past; if you can figure it out you can get a cookie!! Lol. Um, the reason why it's an exam will be revealed near the end—it actually started out as a lesson, but I felt it was more fitting to be an exam because it's a big thing between them, and will later be a huge deal for Kurogane. Lots of semi-angsty fluff. The song is "Pain" by Three Days Grace. _

* * *

**Gothix, Exam Three: **_Beginnings_

Fai sighed, dropping his head back into his arms.

"Problem?"

"Tired," he lied blithely, burying his face into a nearby pillow.

Kurogane grunted, practicing the scales that he had recently learned.

"Tune it, that C was sharp," Fai instructed, raising a finger, swirling it in the air. "The light on the tuner will turn green when you get it right."

Kurogane twanged away at the guitar for a few minutes, but then put it aside, a little irritated.

"I'll do it later," the sophomore muttered. He watched the blonde closely, regarding him with the utmost scrutiny. Every sigh, every fidget, every sideways glance told him from years of experience (experience of living with really moody women, not _dating_ them) that _something_ was up. He just couldn't put his finger on it, but there was something…

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Fai mumbled into the pillow. He took a deep breath, letting the slightly spicy scent that filled Kurogane's house overwhelm him. He could stay here forever—in reality, he couldn't, but if he had to he'd not complain at all. This place felt like home, hope… He was safe here…

In the past week, something had cracked within him. Maybe it was the snow, the holiday, or maybe it was simply kissing Kurogane in itself, but he suddenly had the feeling that he really needed to check over his shoulder. His nerves tingled with the anticipation of flight. It wasn't some simple paranoia—all his senses were alight with fear.

Snow reminded him of home. Home reminded him of his… situation.

Christmas reminded him of family. Family reminded him of that night.

Kissing Kurogane reminded him that his time in Koryo was limited.

He dug his nails into the sofa, gritting his teeth against the sudden onslaught of misery. His despair was so deep that it actually hurt—like someone had grabbed his heart, threw it to the ground and stomped on it. It seemed like his entire body was made of fragile lace; any slight touch could crumble him to nothing.

"N… _Fine_," the older teen amended. It was worthless to try and call Fai on his lie right now. He changed the subject; "So, I was thinking, you should sign up for PE first period."

Fai sat up, blinking at Kurogane, "I'm sports illiterate," he droned, pulling his legs to his chest. "I'll **die**."

"Nuh-uh, your part of this deal was that I could teach you sports," Kurogane reminded the blonde.

Fai thought for a long moment, "I did say that, didn't I?" he laughed, laying his head against his knees. "But, seriously, I'll _die_. I suck at sports. Like, seriously."

"I promise I'll partner with you every time, no matter how much you absolutely suck."

"That's a big commitment," Fai said softly, his cheeks flushing a delicate pink. "Like getting married or something."

"No; I don't do marriage."

"Joking, Kuro-sama."

Kurogane sighed, "With you I can never tell."

"_Aw_. Does that mean you don't like my jokes?"

"No. So, if you're so 'sports illiterate', why did you come to the basketball games?" Kurogane asked slowly, raising an eyebrow as he smirked slyly.

Fai's eyes widened and he blushed so hard that even his scalp turned red—Kurogane almost expected his hair to even turn crimson. He instantly dropped his head, his hair curtaining his face.

_Holy __**crap**__, he noticed! _Fai was torn between being mortified at being caught and being flattered that Kurogane noticed him. "S-sc-school sp-spirit, you know?" he answered, praying to the gods that be that his voice didn't tremble. It did.

Kurogane's smirk widened, and he reached out and ruffled Fai's hair. The freshman was so obvious that it was cute. He silently thanked Tomoyo for telling him about it, his guilt from lying washed away by the pleasure of knowing that she wasn't just yanking his chain. No, it wasn't that—he was happy that Fai cared enough to go do something he didn't like for him. "Really? You don't seem the type," he said softly, trying to cajole Fai out of embarrassment.

"Sakura said the same thing. Didn't believe me."

"… I don't either." Kurogane paused that much, then raised an eyebrow; he was already treading dangerous waters, so why not take it all the way? "Do you really like me that much?"

The boy looked up, tears rimming his eyes. Fai honestly couldn't say why he was crying, he just was. There was something so final about hearing Kurogane ask whether he liked him or not that made something in his chest twist. That made his eyes fill with tears. Like saying it was the beginning of the end. "Shut up!" he snapped, sniffling softly, frantically wiping his face with the backs of his hands.

Kurogane softened, "Don't cry, moron."

"Am not!"

Kurogane leaned forward, wiping away a few tears before he kissed Fai chastely.

Fai trembled, turning his head away. The tears came faster, harder. "Please, don't."

"Please don't kiss you… or please don't worry? Or please don't stop?"

"Please," Fai said in a small, trembling voice. "Don't kiss me… I-I…" He turned back, a sheepish smile plastered to his face, "I don't feel good. And if I'm getting sick, I don't want to give it to you. …I think I might've stayed out in the snow…" His throat closed around the words, and he fought to spit them out, "For too long."

"Well, then, I'll get more blankets for you," Kurogane offered, standing from the sofa.

"Wait… what?"

"If you're sick, you should rest, right?"

"What are you saying?"

Kurogane rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, looking pointedly away from Fai. "Well, I could sleep on the sofa if you don't want to share the bed."

Fai shook his head, the tears flowing harder. His chest shook with the effort of holding them back. He took a shuddering breath, standing slowly from the sofa. "I'm going to go home, Kurogane," he said quietly.

The sophomore frowned at the absence of the weird nicknames Fai always pestered him with, but brushed it off. "No, you'll be better off here. I've got Nyquil if you need it, and—"

"I'm going home," Fai repeated, his voice stern. It reminded Kurogane of the day Fai had kicked him out of his car.

He walked away from the sophomore, stumbling. Kurogane reached out, grabbing Fai's hand, "Let me drive you then."

"Why?"

"I don't want you to end up dead in a ditch."

"Why?!" Fai snapped, turning around to glare at the boy. "Maybe I deserve to end up dead in a ditch!"

"Well, so do I, but I'm not taking it out on you."

Fai frowned, shaking his head, "Not you. You don't… you're _wonderful_."

Kurogane scoffed, pulling Fai to him, "You overestimate me," he chided. He held the boy to him for a moment, secretly relishing Fai's body against his own. "And you underestimate yourself." He shoved him lightly away, trying to play off his moment of affection.

He watched as Fai's face flickered through a multitude of emotions—utter joy, confusion, guilt, pain, then finally sorrow— feeling something swell within his chest. He was beginning to care for this boy too much. Fai was lost, looking for something to hold onto; he was starting to wish to be that thing. But he knew he'd end up hurting the boy—he had no people experience. He was cruel and cold and he knew it. He had a record. And no matter how much he wanted to escape his own past, he couldn't, and he couldn't bear what might happen if Fai, innocent, naïve Fai, found out. How much it would pain him to see Fai skirt him in the halls like everyone else; how much it would utterly suck if the blonde decided never to speak to him again like some… How alone he would be if Fai abandoned him like he should. Too much—he was beginning to get too attached, too involved…

"You're… actually pretty cool, y'know," he grumbled, looking away. His eyes happened to fall on the picture of his parents that rested on the mantle. He flinched, tearing his gaze away from it.

_A shaft of light in the darkness; it cut through into the inky room. Something reflected the light, something liquid. Something that shouldn't be there. _

_Dark. _

_Flowing. _

_Red. _

_Blood. _

His hands found themselves on Fai's face, his fingers dusting away the tears. "If anything, you deserve someone better than me."

"I don't deserve anything at all," Fai whispered brokenly.

"Then we're a perfect match."

_It was heavy in his hand. His fingers curled around the wood, metal edging cutting into his palm. Water dripped from eaves and ledges, falling into soft puddles in the broken concrete. Modern suburbia— a broken, useless, wasteland. _

_Dark night. No moon. _

_The shattering of a bottle broke through the night. _

_He moved. _

_It was heavy in his hand, but not as heavy as the body around it. _

Fai's lips trembled, and more tears threatened to spill from his eyes; he couldn't bear hearing these words. He knew they were true, deep inside of him. He loved this man standing in front of him. He scolded himself for being so forward with himself, for moving so quickly, for utterly ignoring everything that was against him. Using the l-word was the most grievous sin for him; anything he loved inevitably ended in ruins. But, oh, god, how he loved this man in front of him.

Kurogane sighed, unable to bring himself to continue his line of thought. Honestly, he couldn't control the words coming from his own mouth… or the memories being dredged from his own mind. Best to stop now before it all came out and Fai went running. "Just let me take you home, Fai. Your parents will be thankful for it."

Fai's face turned chalk white, and his hands flew to his mouth, clamping over his lips. He stood, shaking for a minute, before launching himself across the room, flying to the bathroom.

Kurogane stood in shock before following him; he made it to the bathroom a few seconds after Fai began to empty his stomach into the toilet.

"_I worry for you," Freya sighed softly, tucking his bangs behind his ear. _

_He smiled up at his mother, ignoring the pain that covered his entire body; "Don't worry, momma! We'll be okay as long as we're together." _

"_I'm afraid it isn't so," she whispered. _

_That's when he knew that there was no escaping his father. He was small that day, covered in bruises and scrapes—__**his **__and his fifth birthday. Despite his age, he knew…_

_His life was doomed. _

_It was the last time his mother ever worried about them. _

He leaned over the toilet bowl, retching heavily. Just the mere thought of his father feeling anything for him made him sick. He wanted that bastard gone. He would never be rid of him! The blood that flowed through his veins was his! Oh, god, he wanted to get rid of it.

He cried brokenly, but no tears came; he knelt on the bathroom floor, sobbing.

He was pulled out of his reverie by a cold cloth to his face. He looked up to see Kurogane leaning over him, frowning worriedly. "Should I call your parents so they can take you to the doctor?"

"I live alone," Fai whispered. "My parents are…." His throat closed around the word, but he finally managed to croak out: "…dead."

Kurogane froze; "Do you still want to go home?"

Fai nodded quietly, rising to his feet, wobbling. His head felt clogged with cotton, and his feet were heavy. He longed for the clarity that came with blood leaving his body.

"I'll stay with you," Kurogane whispered, flushing the toilet. He then picked Fai up, carrying him bridal-style out of the apartment, to his car.

The blonde blushed heavily; Kurogane's hands on his legs and back made him feel like he was on fire. Not safe. Not safe. Not wise. Not wise. He curled into the older teen, shivering against the cold. "You really don't…"

"I really do."

Fai sighed heavily, shaking his head. "You… are the stupidest person I've ever met," he whispered.

Kurogane rolled his eyes, depositing Fai in his car. "I could say the same about you."

**XxXxXxX**

Fai slid slowly out of the car, having remained silent the entire ride. Kurogane followed him shortly, standing behind him. The blonde stared up at the dark window three stories up, then gave a chattering sigh. It was cold, and he'd left his coat at Kurogane's. The older teen watched Fai shiver for all but a second before shrugging off his own jacket and draping around the blonde's shoulders.

"C'mon," Fai whispered, hugging the coat to his body. It would hurt so much to lose Kurogane. He was so kind. He was so warm. Tears once again burned behind Fai's eyes, but he fought them. He should have never, ever, have gotten close to the sophomore.

He moved forward, exhaustion threatening to smite him with ever step he took. Each stair he climbed made his vision grow blearier, and he began to wonder whether or not he was about to fall. He wasn't worried though; Kurogane was right behind him… he'd catch him for sure.

If he fell, would Kurogane catch him? Oh, he was falling, hard and fast. He could almost feel himself falling into the older teen's arms. It was such a warm, kind feeling that surrounded him, that of the likes he'd never felt before. Would he catch him now that he was falling?

He would, he felt.

Bad. Catastrophic.

Kurogane should not catch him; he should not be falling at all. Kurogane should not be here, at his apartment; who knew who was watching.

Fai gave a final sigh, leaning against his door as he fit the key in.

He opened the door, flicking on the lights in his dismal, white apartment.

Sheet music, pencils, and blank scores scattered the wood floors, and cracked plaster graced the walls. Fai's loft was industrial, unused, unloved. It was a place that he slept and ate… not a place he lived.

"It's crap," Fai muttered, wandering around. He walked into the small alcove that was his bedroom, settling on his bed, pulling off his shoes.

"You play the violin too?" Kurogane asked, looking at the battered case that lay on a stuffing-leaking sofa.

"Mm-hm. And the piano…"

"Wow."

Fai watched Kurogane walk around, feeling an ache grow in his heart. There would be so much emptiness without the older teen. There would be so much sadness.

"Hey, where's the bathroom?"

Fai blinked, and then pointed, "Over that way."

Kurogane nodded, leaving for the restroom. Fai laid back on his bed, closing his eyes, sighing. When would it happen? When would the inevitable split come? How would he cope? How would he live?

He grimaced, clutching his wrist slightly; it was simple. _He wouldn't_. He just wouldn't live at all. If he was forced between death and a life without Kurogane, he would always choose death. He just couldn't fathom living with such a depth of pain. He'd known the sophomore a little less than half a year, but he knew that he was already addicted. He had already become so codependent on that drug.

There were only so many stitches holding him together… That closed the wounds that cleaved him into so many tiny pieces.

Fai's eyes flew open in that brief second, bolting out of his bed.

_Idiot, idiot, __**idiot**__! _

He'd forgotten the state he'd left his bathroom in the night before; he dashed across his flat, dodging random artifacts in the floor, the room seeming all of a sudden so much bigger. Blood everywhere, bandages… _Shit_.

He rounded the corner to the hallway that contained his kitchen, laundry room, and bath only to find the bathroom door open. He swallowed, seeing Kurogane's back, motionless, as the sophomore surveyed the mess. Dammit, the room could've passed for a set for a horror movie.

Fai swallowed; he was found out, wasn't he? He never would have thought it would be so soon. Sakura's face flashed into his mind:

"_You worthless piece of crap!" Sakura shrieked, "What the hell do you think you're doing to yourself!?" _

_Sakura reached back, raising her hand to strike him. _

"_We love you, Fai! Do you not care?! I bet you don't even like us! I bet you don't even like me! I! All you care about is your own little farce."_

_He watched her face harden through her tears; "I never want to see you again… I don't want to have anything to do with you." _

Would it be like that again? Tremors began to work their way through Fai's body, and before long, his teeth were chattering. He grit his teeth, reaching out slowly. At first, his hand faltered, falling to his side, his eyes still transfixed solely on Kurogane's back. He tried again, this time, gently catching a handful of his boyfriend's— Fai wondered if he was even that— shirt. "K-Kurogane?"

Kurogane turned slowly, eyeing Fai. "What's all this?"

"… Well, I… you see…"

"How did it get there?"

Fai bit his lip harshly; should he tell the truth? Memories of Sakura instantly flashed back into his mind; no. He couldn't lose Kurogane to something as trivial as this. No. Not when there was the time they could spend together before it ended.

"Well, I cut…" The words got stuck in his throat, his body rebelling against lying to Kurogane. "My… hand… cooking last night," he managed to croak. "It didn't hurt, so I ignored it, and before long I was bleeding all over the place." He gave a shaky laugh, shrugging.

Kurogane surveyed Fai's pale face for what seemed to be the longest time. "Liar," he growled, reaching out to grab the boy's hand.

Fai flinched away, but Kurogane held firm, pulling the blonde close. He carefully pushed up the sleeves of Fai's sweater, revealing layers of bandages.

Kurogane paused, then pulled off the blonde's shirt.

"K-Kurogane!?" Fai squeaked in alarm. "What are you doing?!"

The athlete ignored him, unwinding the multitudes of gauze strips that hid his arms.

"…God," he breathed, eyeing the latticed layers of scars that adorned Fai's torso.

Some were old, milky white against pale skin; others were red and fading. Some still bled when the pressure of the bandages were removed. They crossed his body, making Fai look like some Frankenstein-like creature, but even so it added to his beauty.

"You… cut?"

Fai swallowed, nodding.

It was the stupidest thing Kurogane had ever seen. He understood the turmoil's of inner pain, but surely, there could be a better outlet. Something within him revolted at the idea of Fai hurting himself, it urged him to fix it, make it better.

"Why?"

"Because… I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."

"The numb," Kurogane breathed, recalling their first real conversation.

"_You wouldn't know what it's like to be numb…" _

"_No. I get the numb part—that I understand completely. I don't get the pain part." _

"_Pain… brings focus… It keeps you from the feeling of nothingness. It anchors you to reality." _

"_You say it like you know it."_

"_I know it." _

"_I can teach you how to stop feeling numb," Fai had promised, "I've done it before, I can help you." _

The meaning had completely eluded Kurogane until now; and now, he understood perfectly.

"That song."

Fai cocked his head to the side, humming;

"_Pain, without love_

_Pain, I can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all._

_You're sick of feeling numb_

_You're not the only one_

_I'll take you by the hand,_

_And I'll show you a world that you can understand._

_This life is filled with hurt_

_When happiness doesn't work_

_Trust me and take my hand_

_When the lights go out, you'll understand._"

That's what Fai had been talking about. That's what he did. He… he…

"That's!"

Fai flinched, waiting for the inevitable break up to come. He reached out, grabbing Kurogane's arms, silently pleading. Tears welled in his eyes, and Kurogane lost the will to castigate the boy.

He reached out, pulling him close to his chest. "Fai, you're a fucking idiot," he mumbled.

If Fai wanted to feel, he'd allow him that. But… not that way, any way but that. There were too many ways that he could lose the freshman that way… And with that thought, he realized something…

_He didn't want to lose Fai. _

He wasn't quite sure if this was general affection talking or if it was the first step to love. Either way, he didn't want that.

He couldn't bring himself to say it aloud, but he cared for the blonde, he truly, truly did.

"Tonight will be the beginning," Fai whispered, "I'll teach you if you still want to learn… We can feel together… I'm so tired of being lonely, Kuro-sama…"

Kurogane shook his head, pressing his face into Fai's hair. It would be the beginning all right… But it would be the beginning of the end.

He would stop Fai. He would do whatever it takes.

"I'll protect you," he swore, squeezing the blonde, "I will."

That night was the beginning of his love for Fai…

That night was also the beginning of the blonde's slow descent into insanity.


	14. Reteaching Four:Dark SpacesHiding Places

**A/N:** _It's up to you to figure out which game goes to each character; this is actually a character exercise._

* * *

**Gothix, Reteaching Four:** _Dark Spaces, Hiding Places_

When you were young, did you ever play a game of hide-and-seek? Do you remember the thrill of running and ducking behind some small shrub, stifling your giggles so you'd not be found?

…What if that game meant life or death? What if one small noise meant being killed? What if you were It and not being able to find that one last person meant the death of everything you loved? Everything you would love?

What if that was your life since the day you were born?

Horrific; improbable; terrifying.

But what would you do if the lights were suddenly flicked on, so bright that you couldn't see? You couldn't see the subtleties of the shadows anymore; the light has blinded all your senses and you can't even hear anything … And the person you love, who you've been hiding in the dark to keep them safe…was the one who turned on the sun.

Ice washes through you, and that person takes your hand. Despite your terror, you feel so warm, so loved… And you remember all the people hiding behind you in that whitewashed landscape.

You don't know where they are, when they'll jump and run at you… when all you wish is that they had just ended the game back when it was dark and slammed that knife in your throat then…

Because, at least back then, your special person was safe.

**XxXxXxX**

When you were younger, did you ever play chess? Did you learn it with your grandfather in a dusky room lit by bad lights and dim candles? Will you always associate that game to staying in the dark, literally and figuratively?

Were you forced to learn at such a young age that you had no idea that if your King and Queen were taken, it was all over? You were dead? That you couldn't come back? Or did you think that you could recapture them; that they would come back in the midst of the game? Sure, you could still try to move your pawns, but the game was over. No returns. Ever. Not even the easiest teacher will let you put something back on the board once it's been taken.

Never.

The first rule of life.

What if that King and Queen were your parents?

What if you weren't even aware you were playing a game? That one day, you walked into your kitchen and your chess-board floor was covered in blood?

And then you were thrust into a game of wits where you only possessed a pawn and the will to totally cream that person who stole your pieces without even telling you that you were playing.

Every square means life or death. Every diagonal is one closer to being caught…

And finally, in the dead of night, your opponent asleep over the board because you've taken so long to move across with your little pawn… you strike.

And you take it all in the dead of night.

And then you flee back to your own little square, ducking behind a remaining rook, praying you can keep hiding until someone comes along and challenges you to a better, less terrifying game.

Maybe then you can regain what you've lost.

**XxXxXxX**

Life is not a game. Life is real, terrifying, and horrible.

People get raped; people murder.

People escape… but some never escape the game they're playing trying to regain control…

And sometimes, the name of the reclaim game is love.


	15. Lesson Seven: Shadows of the Past

**A/N: **_*slumps over, dead* This chapter did NOTHING that I wanted it to. Those two ran off and did their own little thing, creating so many problems for me! And my biggest problem child is Ashura! ARG! Anyway, hi. We're finally getting into some of the major plot points. This is actually the start of a new arc. (Yes, I have story arcs in this!! Muwahahahaha! ) Enjoy the chapter... Fai's not thinkink clearly anoymore. _

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson Seven: **_Shadows of the Past_

They stood there in the hallway for the longest time. Somewhere between the beginning and end, Fai had collapsed in his arms, weeping uncontrollably, apologizing between wrenching sobs. He let the blonde drag him down to the floor, trying to comfort him the best way he knew how. More time passed, flying by with such fluidity neither could honestly say how long they were sitting together on the floor.

When Fai finally calmed, they went to sleep without a word. He could see such pain on Fai's face that he couldn't even say a word; even holding him didn't seem to be enough. It was like the blonde had just… shut down.

When he revived himself… he had a smile on his face…

Kurogane hated it—he wanted to shake it right off his face. It was obviously fake; Fai had always been so obvious in his lies… What was he hiding now?

**XxXxXxX**

The first night was horrible. Slowly, it got better. It was now March. ...But was it really better?

**XxXxXxX**

Sometimes, he couldn't remember where he was. He'd look around and not know how he had gotten there. Sometimes, he couldn't remember small little things like the date or how to get from one place to another. Sometimes, he forgot people entirely. Those were the days that the walls were painted in blood and shadows followed him around; those were the days were the nightmares were the worst.

The only thing that ever stayed the same; the only person that was always there was Kurogane.

**XxXxXxX**

"Dammit, I tell you every morning to leave me hot water!" Kurogane complained, slamming his glass onto the table.

Fai shrugged, poking his cereal absently. Kurogane rolled his eyes—Fai was not a morning person at all, contrary to his earlier beliefs. He grabbed the spoon from the freshman and stuffed it into Fai's mouth. "Eat," he commanded. Fai whined around the spoon, but he chewed anyway.

Since that night, Fai had become a sort of live-in guest at Kurogane's apartment. He still went home some nights, but most, he just slept over. At first he slept on the sofa, but Kurogane soon learned that Fai suffered from night terrors, so he felt safer if the blonde slept with him; they eased with company, but did not disappear. Fai would often bolt awake, crying softly. He never was loud enough to wake Kurogane, but the sophomore knew.

They'd been pseudo-living together since New Year's; no one at school knew. Fai was reluctant to even mention their relationship to Sakura and Watanuki.

He was falling further and further away. If it kept up, Kurogane wondered where he would end up—would Fai still go through the motions even though he wasn't there anymore?

It terrified him to see the blonde give up. Slowly, but surely, the freshman was renouncing life.

He smiled, but his eyes were dead. He talked, but his words had no meaning. He touched Kurogane, but his heart was not there. He promised, but it was empty. Kurogane wondered if Fai was even alive onstage, but he wouldn't know. Fai had barred Kurogane from performances under the guise of not wanting the Gothix to find out about the nature of their relationship.

He reached out, seizing Fai, gripping his shoulders tightly. He leaned forward and kissed him harshly on impulse, crushing their lips together. Fai whimpered softly, pressing himself up into the elder's arms, clinging desperately. Kurogane shoved his tongue deep into the blonde's mouth. Fai tasted like toothpaste and cereal. He kissed him even harder, their mouths slick with saliva.

Desperately. Yearningly. Inexorably. Preternaturally.

Fai needed that anchor; he needed Kurogane. He wanted him so badly. Kurogane lifted the blonde to his feet, then slid one hand under Fai's head to pull him deeper to him.

Fai wrapped his arms tightly around Kurogane's shoulders, frantically seeking that comfort, that solidity that he found in the sophomore. It was all fading away around him. Kurogane was the only solid patch of land; his sandcastle was sliding away into the sea.

He was terrified; he was so freaking scared of losing what he cared for most that he could barely move forward. He felt so guilty. He was pulling so many lives into the fray. He would take them all down with him.

Tears began a hysterical tirade down his face, and their kiss became more frenzied.

Like he took his mother and his brother, he would take Kurogane. This man would die because of his affiliation with him. A moan of pain escaped into his boyfriend's mouth, causing Kurogane to kiss him even harder. The sophomore's hands slid down to Fai's backside pushing the blonde to his body.

**This pleasure was pain. **

Too close. Too similar. Too much.

Fai screamed.

Kurogane jolted away like he'd been hit with lightning. He reached out, cupping Fai's face in his hands, "Fai, what's wrong?" he murmured gently, stroking the boy's face, pulling him close.

"_**Don't touch me**_!" the blonde shrieked, flailing against his boyfriend. "_**Don't! STOP IT**_!"

Kurogane stepped back, hands raised in surrender. Ah, yes. Every time things got too physical, Fai would freak out. Kurogane surveyed the blonde, disheveled and blushing on the surface, but his eyes… They were glassy and black with terror… and pain.

Fai's chest heaved, and he looked down at his hands in terror, "I… I'm sorry…"

"Save it," Kurogane retorted, "It's alright." Well, it wasn't really, but… Fai was already in a state.

"Go on to school," the blonde said mechanically. "I'll drive myself today."

Kurogane sighed. "Yeah, okay…" he leaned forward, gently kissing Fai on the cheek. The blonde flinched, but Kurogane ignored it. "I'll see you in PE."

Fai nodded absently. He fell to the floor once Kurogane had left, tears pouring down his face.

Every time brought his father to his mind. Kurogane would morph into his father, as different as they looked. Suddenly, he'd be eight again, the scent of blood and sweat heavy on his nose, screams tearing at his throat.

Painful. Horrible.

_Heavy hands against his back, the tearing pain, searing him in half. He could feel himself tearing around his father. He said nothing, thought nothing; he only screamed. When would it end? When could he die? When could he be free? _

_If his father had his way, never. _

He rolled up the sleeves of his top, staring at the menagerie of cuts on his arms. They ripped across his skin, turning his creamy complexion an angry red and pink. He fumbled for his knife, flicking it open and tearing into himself.

His skin met little resistance. His mind felt little relief.

There was… no escape.

**XxXxXxX**

PE was actually more fun than Fai had thought it would be. It was another outlet for his frustrations, and it was easy to forget there.

However, today was the exception. They were playing basketball; there were six goals in all. Their class was small, so everyone got to play at once, even though Kurogane had shooed most of the kids from one of the goals. "Okay, Sakura, pair up with Fai," he instructed, holding the ball between the crook of his arm and his waist. "I'll pair with Shaoran."

"Great, I get lover boy," Shaoran muttered.

"I have to teach you two how to guard if we're going to do any good in the mock-tournaments," the sophomore grumbled.

"We can't all be superstars," Sakura piped up. "Just you wait until we do hockey, I'll pawn your ass!"

Kurogane snorted, "You _wish_, Kinomoto. Your problem is you're too nice! The purpose of the game is to keep the ball. You're so polite you just kind of hand it over. So, you'll be guarding Shaoran. And don't be nice to her since she's your girlfriend."

Shaoran rolled his eyes, "Who died and made you captain? Whatever."

"And that means I'll guard you, Fai," Kurogane said. Fai nodded absently. "You're just not aggressive. You have to get on your man. If you fall, it's in your favor; you get a foul."

"Uh-huh…" Fai mumbled dreamily.

Kurogane rolled his eyes; so it went. "Shaoran, take it out," he instructed, passing the ball to the boy.

They got ready to play, Fai moving out in front of Kurogane halfheartedly.

Eventually, Fai was forced to start playing, as he kept getting knocked down. "What about fouls!?" he shrieked after a particularly nasty blow to the stomach from Shaoran. It was an accident under the hoop, but it still hurt.

Kurogane shrugged, "We're not playing like that. It's just a scrimmage."

Fai hissed, gritting his teeth, trying to set up and play for real. It was hard to shift his focus, however, when he was playing against Kurogane. He couldn't help but notice everything he wasn't supposed to—the way his hand had landed against the sophomore's chest, how it felt when Kurogane was guarding him, the fevered kiss they'd shared the week before, all the lies he'd told… everything…

It was wrong, he knew, to feel this way. But it all piled upon him, sending his mind into turmoil.

Finally, it was too much for his mind—or his body—to bear. "That's it!" he snapped, running out of the gym. No one but the three he left behind noticed.

Kurogane sighed, running his hand through his hair; "I'll go get him," he volunteered before racing off.

"Why him?" Sakura wondered, frowning.

"'Cause it's his fault," Shaoran said lazily, lining up a free throw. He made the goal, Sakura catching it under the net.

She dribbled anxiously, "What do you mean?"

"Do you _really _wanna know?" Shaoran inquired, smirking as stepped forward to snatch the ball from Sakura. The girl pulled it away from him, spinning it between her palms; "Of course," she answered promptly.

Shaoran smirked even more; "Pretty boy was getting hard over lover boy."

Sakura shrieked, throwing the ball in Shaoran's face, "_Pervert_!"

**XxXxXxX**

"Fai?" Kurogane called, pushing open the door to the locker room slowly.

Fai didn't answer, instead pulling his knees to his chest, leaning his head against them.

He couldn't believe himself—rather, he couldn't believe his body! It was just basketball, it was just a relationship… how could he get so flustered over it all!?

He was _supposed _to stay _away _from Kurogane—ease out of love, not fall harder.

He couldn't get his head straight. Everything flew out the window when it came to the sophomore. His mind would wander and his heart would flutter and his body would get all warm and fuzzy. Around Kurogane, all he could think about was talking and touching and…

Even so, the thought of becoming physical made him cold and queasy, even though his body seemed to agree with his imagination. In short, his mind was stuck even though his body rebelled.

Kurogane knelt in front of Fai, reaching out to gently stroke the boy's cheek. "Oi. Fai… are you okay?"

"Go away," Fai moaned, leaning into the touch anyway.

"Please go or please stay?" the athlete murmured, tilting Fai's head up. He kissed him gently, lovingly. Fai whimpered, reacting violently, grabbing onto Kurogane to pull him closer. He kissed Kurogane wantonly, everything breaking inside of him.

He wanted this. He didn't want this. He loved it. He hated it. Yes. No. There was no compromise.

Kurogane pushed Fai against the lockers, moving close as Fai's legs relaxed and sprawled out on either side of his hips.

Bad: This was bad. Any more and he would surely break. But, oh, it felt good. Bad.

Fai's body was reacting without him, urging the elder to continue. Kurogane kissed the boy harder, and Fai wrapped his legs around the sophomore's waist.

Kurogane shifted closer, groaning as he felt Fai's half-hardened member press against his lower stomach.

Too much. Too good.

Fai opened his mouth a little more against Kurogane's, moaning softly as his back dug into the lockers as his boyfriend pushed their bodies closer.

He shouldn't. He shouldn't.

Kurogane's hands moved up into Fai's shirt, pushing it up as he rubbed slow circles against the younger's stomach and chest, spreading fire wherever he touched. Fai used his legs to pull Kurogane's hips closer to his own, twinning his fingers into the elder's damp shirt.

Kurogane's thumbs found Fai's nipples, rubbing them gently. Fai gasped, arching into the touch. His breath caught as his boyfriend applied pressure, the world spinning beneath him.

Not safe. Not prudent.

He shouldn't. He shouldn't.

Oh, god, but…

He couldn't control himself anymore; with just one touch, Kurogane had disarmed him completely. He was helpless against the assault. He couldn't defend himself from anything now… he was open, powerless…

Before long, Fai was sprawled flat on the floor, his shirt pushed up to reveal his torso, his shorts hanging dangerously low on his hips as Kurogane's mouth made its way down his stomach.

The blonde gasped, his boyfriend's hands sweeping up under his gym shorts against the warm flesh of his thigh…

His hand was so hot…

_Just like his…_

Suddenly everything froze.

**This pleasure was pain. **

His body fell limp as his blood ran cold. He screwed his eyes shut, the inevitable scream working its way from his memories to his mind to his lungs to his throat to the open air… "…n… n…no… no… no! …_No_…. _**No**_! _**STOP!**_"

A resounding _thwack_ echoed through the empty locker room.

**XxXxXxX**

"No, _seriously_, Suwa," Ryuou asked, "Which girl did you piss of this time? That fist-print is seriously epic. I want to go congratulate her myself."

Kurogane grunted, slamming his locker shut. "Don't want to talk about it. Piss off."

"Was it Souma?"

"No. I thought I said go away?"

"Was it Chun'nyan? That girl can punch like nobody's business."

"I said go away!"

"You know, Kurogane-san," Syaoron piped up, "You should probably get ice for that."

Kurogane looked over at the mousy-haired boy, then shrugged, "Maybe," he grunted.

At the other end of the hallway, Sakura stood against the lockers, tapping her foot impatiently. "I don't remember you hurting your hand this morning."

Fai winced sheepishly; "I, uh… sprained… my fist…"

"You can't sprain a fist, Flowright," Shaoran corrected, "But... You can jam a few fingers smacking someone though."

Fai pressed the icepack closer to his hand, fidgeting nervously, "I …didn't…"

"Have you seen Suwa lately? He's got a nice bruise on his face."

"R-really?" Fai looked away, chewing on his lip.

"Bet if we matched it up to your hand, it'd be a perfect match."

Fai hung his head guiltily, "Now, now… I'd never hit…"

Sakura tutted, "Just tell us already, what's your deal with him?"

"Deal? I don't have a deal."

"Spill it."

"Oh! There's the bell, later guys!" Fai mumbled hastily, running off.

Sakura sighed, watching Kurogane and the other kendo-club members. "You know, they've both changed a lot."

"Mm. Syaoron said something the other day about lover boy. Said he was nicer than he used to be."

"Fai's slipping."

"Yeah, I know."

"We should talk to Watanuki."

"He's got his own problems right now."

"But he's the most levelheaded."

"I don't see why we should even bother, Sakura."

"Because they're no good for each other!" Sakura cried. "We're loosing him, can't you tell?! He won't talk to us anymore! He's upset all the time! Remember when he looked at us and asked who we were? There's something wrong, and it's _his_ fault!"

"We don't even know if they're together, Sakura," Shaoran murmured, "He might be avoiding you because he knows you'd react this way."

Sakura shook her head; "I know him, Shaoran. We're similar. Someone like Suwa isn't good for him!"

"You're making a mistake to think that you know everything about Fai-san, Sakura-chan," Watanuki said softly, walking up to the two. "It won't do any good to think that way."

Sakura huffed, stalking off. Watanuki watched after her sadly.

"She has every intent of breaking them up, you know," Shaoran sighed.

Watanuki sighed, shaking his head, "Sakura-chan needs to know that she can only protect him from so much… And Fai-san needs to learn that altruism isn't always the most sensible… Lessons they can only learn by hurting others, unfortunately."

**XxXxXxX**

Fai slipped his keys into his pocket, humming tunelessly as he flipped on the lights. They flickered slowly to life as he stepped over a huge pile of mail. It'd been awhile since he'd come back to his apartment. He figured his stunt this morning wouldn't make him the _most _welcome in Kurogane's apartment; he'd call him later to apologize, though.

Shadows lurked in the corners of the flat, taunting him with his past; reminding him of the lives he put in danger; laughing at his naivety. Blood painted the walls, turning the peeling white paint a vivid red.

He shook off the feeling, leaning over to pick up the pile of mail.

At the bottom was a large manila envelope. It was heavy.

It had no return address. It had no name on it.

Fai swallowed dryly, the room fading into shadows at the corners of his vision. "_No_." The room spun under his feet as vertigo set in; he felt like the world was falling apart from under him.

With shaking fingers, he opened it…

…

"No."

It had been mailed March 5th. It was now March 12th.

In less than a month… his father was appearing before a probation court.

Ashura…

Was getting out.

And his life...

Was over.


	16. Study Guide: Love and Pain

**A/N: **_Those two have been trying to get out for a while, so I thought this was the perfect place to backtrack seeing as Fai's giving me problems right now. This was actually requested by a friend of mine (I meant to put it up in time for V-day, it just never happened…) The thing that surprised me the most about this chapter was Watanuki revealing to me that he (somehow) knows about Fai's past. And how friendly he and Kurogane are, and that Fai chooses to tell only Watanuki about their relationship (probably very reluctantly, though.) . Fai and Watanuki really do love each other… Fai probably loves him more than Sakura in a way, I suppose. _

* * *

**Gothix, Study Guide: Love and Pain**

_Leave it to me  
__To lose all your confidence;  
And no I can't stop  
__This train wreck before it hits—_

Watanuki sighed, kneading his forehead with his knuckles, smearing flour across his face. This was completely _stupid_. How could he have let Yuuko talk him into this?! "_Cake always works_," he said, raising his voice an octave to mock his adoptive-mother. "What does _she_ know!?"

"Everything, Kimihiro—Yuuko knows _everything_. And then some just so we're safe at night."

Watanuki jumped, knocking over a few dishes as he did so. He laughed nervously, "Hello, Clow," he greeted, tidying up after himself.

The man laughed amiably, peering over the boy's shoulder; "Chocolate fondant? Fancy. What's the occasion?"

"Valentine's Day," the bespectacled boy murmured, blushing slightly. "I'm making some for my friends, you two, and…"

Clow smiled knowingly, "And Doumeki-kun?"

"_NEVER_!" Watanuki shrieked, waving his hands around irritably, his cheeks a light pink. A timer beeped from the stove, and he rushed over to attend to the boiling water. His shoulders slumped, "Yeah. Just a little piece, though," he whispered softly.

Clow reached out, ruffling his son's hair; "He'll enjoy it. Don't worry."

The freshman smiled warmly, feeling a little more at ease as he continued on. However, it didn't last for too long.

The next morning, he was nervous as hell. Something was tying his stomach in anxious knots, flipping summersaults, and pouring ice into his veins with great delight. He had two left, having already given Sakura and Shaoran their share. He made his way around campus, keeping his eye out for Fai.

He found the vocalist with Kurogane (as he always could—in fact, he was the only one who knew they were together), curled up in the elder teen's lap. Kurogane looked up at Watanuki then sighed, "He's not awake yet."

Watanuki smiled softly, laughing at the sight of the generally disgruntled upperclassman being used as a pillow. "Long night?"

"He had more nightmares than usual. They keep getting worse, too," Kurogane muttered, gently shaking Fai's shoulder, "Hey, idiot. Wake up."

The blonde blinked, lifting himself from Kurogane's lap; he looked around absently, a dazed look on his face, "Where am I?"

Kurogane winced only slightly, a worried look passing across his normally stoic features, "School."

"Oh… Hi, Watanuki," Fai greeted. Watanuki smiled, "Morning, Fai-san. Happy Valentine's day!"

Fai looked up at Kurogane, "Is it?"

"Yes."

Fai nodded inattentively at his boyfriend's answer, turning back to Watanuki; "Have you seen you-know-who yet?"

"Eh…Here, this is for you!" Watanuki murmured, dodging the question. He held out Fai's share of the cake, "It's warm right now, so I'd advise you eat it."

"I got chocolate from Watanuki! Watanuki-san is confessing his love for meeee!" Fai crooned happily, winking at his friend, "You don't mind if I share with Kuro-sama do you?"

"No, no."

Fai grinned, breaking off a small chunk, holding it out to Kurogane. "I _don't_ _want_ any! No offense, Watanuki, but I don't do sweets," the sophomore muttered. Fai pouted, "Aw…"

"You two can sort it out. I've gotta go, okay?" The bespectacled boy waved, then rushed off, hearing Fai and Kurogane bicker a little in the background. Speaking with the two always calmed his nerves when it came to his business with Doumeki. Kurogane and Fai were completely different, and before this year, hadn't even known each other. If they could have a successful relationship in addition to all the baggage they carried (Watanuki would never reveal to Fai the extent of his knowledge of his situation), then surely, he could at least have a shot at one with a childhood friend…?

He found Doumeki where he always could find him, in the library. "Aw, shit," he groaned to himself, feeling like he was about to throw up. How was it that he could get on stage and perform five times a month and not feel the slightest bit of nerves, but when it came to a simple conversation he crumbled into bits? Ahh, he hated himself for this.

He walked up, and then plopped down next to his friend, "G'morning."

"Hn."

Watanuki griped his fingers into his pant legs, gritting his teeth. "You know what today is, right?"

"Yeah."

"How many have you gotten already?"

"A lot."

"What do girls see in you!?" Watanuki lamented, laying his head down on the table, surreptitiously surveying the sophomore's profile. Doumeki was handsome, he'd give him that.

Doumeki shrugged, putting down his book. His eyes shifted down to Watanuki, who hastily looked away.

The underclassman fidgeted a little, "Hey, well… I have an extra."

Doumeki raised an eyebrow.

Watanuki sat up, gesturing wildly, "So you'd better be lucky that I messed up last night making them! Else you would _so_ not be getting one, you ungrateful lug!"

"Huh."

Watanuki sighed, reaching into his bag, pulling out Doumeki's cake. "Here," he mumbled, trying hard not to blush.

Doumeki took it without a word; similarly, he began to eat in silence. "It's good."

Watanuki bit back the urge to grin in relief; "Well it should be!" he huffed in indignation. "Now where's the thank you? The praises to god that I happened to make an extra?" he asked, standing from his chair.

"Thanks, but… I don't think it was an accident."

The freshman froze, then flapped his hand in the air in what he hoped would look like nonchalance. "Nonsense. You're making it sound like I made you one on purpose!"

"I think you did." Doumeki's eyes bore into him and Watanuki took a step back in shock.

"Why would I do that? We're not even really close friends," he whispered bitterly.

"_You're_ the only one saying we're not."

Watanuki hung his head, "Because we can't be. I just don't want to be _friends_…Don't you remember at all!?" he mumbled, and then turned his back to the sophomore. "You're just so _stupid_, you know that?! I seriously, really, truly hate you!" he screeched before running off.

"You know, you could be a little bit nicer," Himawari sighed, laying a hand on Doumeki's shoulder. "He's a rather dense person."

"Tell me about it," he sighed to the cheerleader.

"It'll all work out, though, because you two are so close!"

_  
I hope I don't sound like the X's on your calendar  
I stumble on new ground to gather up the formula  
Fate, faith—you and me  
Love and pain  
Fate, faith—you and me  
Love and pain_

To say he was angry would be an overstatement. To say that he was hurt would be an understatement. The bassist kicked the wall crossly, then ended up howling in frustration. A few teachers looked his way, but ignored him, a little wary of messing with the principal's kid. "Why do I even try to hit on that creep!?" He hissed, banging his fist against the wall. Time and time again, he was shot down. He knew his advances had to be annoying to the older teen… if he even noticed.

Tears began to creep into his eyes when a light hand rested itself on his shoulders. "Ah, young love!" Yuuko sighed dramatically, "The defeat! The anguish!"

"The annoying principal!" Watanuki hissed, "Can't you see I want to be alone?!"

"Nope!" Yuuko piped cheerily, dragging her 'son' down the hallway. Watanuki followed sullenly, avoiding the gazes of his peers.

Yuuko led him to her office, sitting him down across from her desk. "So, Kimihiro, what did you mess up _this_ time?"

"Augh! Why do you always think it's my fault?"

"Because _my_ plans are always _perfect_! Nothing says 'Take me; I'm yours' like chocolate cake on Valentine's Day! It just has to be a user error! … Of course," she mused, "Sake would have been a much better present, but… I'd have to confiscate it…"

Watanuki's eye twitched.

"I mean, Kimihiro, you seriously had the perfect chance right there! You blew it by not making yourself clear!"

"Yuuko-san, if you know romance so well, why don't we trade places then?" Watanuki snapped through grit teeth.

"Doumeki-kun isn't my type," she said seriously.

Watanuki's eye twitched again.

Yuuko sighed, leaning forward, "I really am trying to help you."

"Why? There's nothing in it for you."

"You make me sound so selfish, Kimihiro!" Yuuko sighed tragically, "But maybe you could put in some more hours at the shop so Clow and I can go out more?"

"Whatever, fine. As long as it's not on days I have to perform."

Yuuko's face darkened, "You might not have a band if Flowright doesn't get his act together… _but_! About you and Doumeki!" She clapped her hands twice, abruptly changing subject. "You had the perfect chance in September, and you let it pass!"

Watanuki winced. Back in September, he'd let his guard down and messed up; they'd ended up making out behind the cafeteria. Afterwards, he'd run away. Doumeki hadn't even mentioned it. "Don't remind me."

"You should have talked with him about it then! Kimihiro, people just don't passionately make out with people they don't like!"

"Hey, how do you know about the passionate part!?"

Yuuko pointed to the security monitors on the other side of the room soberly. "I know everything that happens in this school."

"Then you also know that he avoided me for a month!" Watanuki snapped.

"Uh, no. _You_ avoided _him_."

The boy squirmed; she was right. In the end, Himawari had been the one to get the two talking again, complaining that 'two such good friends' shouldn't be mad at each other for too long. (Watanuki used to harbor a secret crush on the girl, and since he'd not been able to say no to her even now that he was in love with Doumeki.) "Yeah? So…?"

"Well go tell him how you feel, idiot child!" Yuuko squealed, banging her fist on the table. "Now, or you're grounded!"

Watanuki rose, rolling his eyes. He was halfway out the door when his adopted-mother called out to him:

"Good luck. You two are fated to be together, you know. Don't fight it."

Watanuki flashed a sad smile over his shoulder, "You say such corny things, Yuuko-san." He closed her door behind him, leaning against it. Loving like this hurt. He wondered if this was how Fai felt when it seemed like he and Kurogane were never going to meet. He checked his watch; everyone was now in first period. He thought for a long moment… Doumeki was in PE…

He sighed, making his way down to the gym, bracing himself to lie. He walked down the bleachers onto the main floor of the gymnasium, watching Kurogane try to coax a reluctant Fai into practicing passing volleyballs. He chuckled as the blonde stopped dead in his protests after the sophomore whispered something in his ear. Whatever it was, it certainly motivated the musician, who was bright red as he stumbled across the court to set the balls that Kurogane passed him.

The bespectacled boy paused; was he jealous of his friend's relationship? Yeah… he was. They'd come together with no major problems, despite the fact both had troubled backgrounds (a surge of pity passed through Watanuki at the thought of his friend's plight) and the fact they were both guys. He wanted that. He envied that.

He shook the thoughts from his head, making his way to the coach. She nodded, waving Doumeki over; "Go with him, the principal wants you."

Doumeki eyed Watanuki, who shrugged innocently. Once outside of the gym, the slighter teen spoke up, "Not really, you know."

"Figured."

"Ah…" Watanuki sighed. They exited the school; miraculously, they didn't run into a single person. The two retreated to the back corner of the campus they always retreated to for lunch, Watanuki fidgeting slightly. There is was again, that stomach churning nervousness.

"I… ah… have something I want to tell you," he mumbled, looking up at his friends face. Sure, he had moments where he absolutely loathed Doumeki, but the elder had always been there for him, when his parents died, through his rebellious stages—he'd been there through his awkward transition to his teens. He'd seen him sick and hurt and sleepy… he'd been there when he cried and cussed… and there just wasn't a reason that Watanuki could come up with that would justify not loving Doumeki.

His pride, however, wouldn't let him admit it. Despite their closeness growing up, Doumeki was older than Watanuki. He grew up first. Got different friends, took interest in different things. He still felt jilted. He still felt inferior. He wanted nothing more to be on equal standing with the elder teen, and one-sided love tipped the scales so much that Watanuki felt that there was no catching up.

He thought he'd be happy if they just stayed friends, but he was discontent with it. Selfish. Stupid. Why mess it up? Why risk it all just to be rejected. His throat tightened, and it felt like he was trying to swallow a marble.

"Well?" Doumeki prodded, raising his eyebrows slightly.

Watanuki shook his head, "…It's nothing. Never mind."

Doumeki snorted, reaching out to turn the slighter boy's face to his. "If it was nothing, you wouldn't have pulled me out of class."

"…Uh, well… I, ah… forgot to make you lunch," Watanuki lied lamely, trying to squirm away from the taller boy. Doumeki held him tighter, scowling.

"You always do this."

"Wha…?"

"You shy away from important topics. You did this back in September, too."

Watanuki flinched. "Did not."

Doumeki sighed irritably; he wasn't easily irritated, and it took a lot for him to snap, but Watanuki was seriously wearing on his nerves. He wished the younger boy would go ahead and confess (yes, he knew)… but it seemed like it was never going to happen. He dropped his hands from the boy's face, stalking off. "Later."

This was _so_ much harder than Yuuko made it seem.

_  
How selfish of me  
__To think I'm the only one  
To question mistakes:  
__A fool's game I'm losing now_

"Fai-san, may I speak with you?"

Fai looked up from the notes he and Kurogane were passing back and forth, nodding blankly. "Yeah. 'Course you can."

Watanuki gently pulled Fai up from his seat, nodding at Kurogane, who looked rather relieved to have a break from the blonde. He tugged him to a secluded corner of the cafeteria, away from prying eyes.

Fai giggled, "Feels like you're going to confess your love."

Watanuki sighed, "Sometimes I wonder how things would be if I'd agreed when you asked me out last summer," he muttered, settling atop a rolled up gymnastic mat. Fai sat beside him, frowning slightly.

"Well…" he mused, "We'd both be unhappy."

"You seem down enough already."

Fai's eyes grew blank for a long moment, and he rocked back and forth before breaking his own spell; "It's _nothing_… besides, this is about you. You should be all lovey-dovey with Doumeki-san."

Watanuki blushed, "As you and Kurogane-san should be."

"Eh. We're trying to keep it secret. You know that. However, it is no secret that _you_ love Doumeki-san. All the girls secretly loathe you."

"Wow, Fai-san. That does _wonders_ for my ego."

Fai sniggered; "Anyway, what did you want to talk about?"

"…I have a question for you; it might be a tad bit personal."

"I am not telling you my bra size."

Watanuki smacked Fai lightly, "No, seriously, Fai-san…" Fai nodded, silently giving him the go ahead.

"You know, you're lucky, Fai-san. You and Kurogane-san came together so easily… and I wonder… how?"

Fai looked at Watanuki, dumbstruck; "You of all people should no there was nothing easy about it," he said harshly. "There was a lot of sorrow and pain… and fear… The fear was the worst; it crushed me. I was so scared that I would wake up and it wouldn't be real; that he would reject me; that he wouldn't even want to be friends with me anymore. I abused myself a lot during that time, mentally. I told myself over and over that I should've just stayed happy with being able to see him from afar—then I was unhappy, so I decided to be friends with him—then I was unhappy _again_ and I told him my feelings. Oh, I was so selfish!" Fai shook his head, clasping his hands together, a serene smile passing across his lips, "When I first blurted it out, it was a mistake. Oh, god, was it a mistake! But he accepted me… At first I wondered if it was a mistake on _his _part, but so far… it hasn't been."

For the second time that day, Watanuki felt like an absolute fool. "How stupid of me."

Fai smiled absently; "Everyone has their reasons to be afraid. No one's reasons are more complex than another's, even though they feel they're alone in their plight. You should know that, Watanuki," he said kindly. "After all, you taught it to me."

The raven-haired teen nodded; "Y…yeah."

"The more you question yourself the more tormented you'll be, and the less likely it is that you'll really confess… But hey, if things get too rough, I'll step up and do what Sakura-chan and Shaoran did to me for you!" Fai offered, poking Watanuki on the arm.

"No thanks."

Fai stood, leaning over Watanuki, "You'll do fine," he chuckled, kissing the boy inattentively, almost like he'd forgotten who Watanuki was. The moment passed as Watanuki batted him away, the blonde grinning, though the blank look was still behind his eyes. He wandered away, back to Kurogane, leaving Watanuki to his thoughts.

He'd be damned if he'd lose to his insecurities!

_  
Just taking my time; planning out my escape  
I'm scared what I'll find, but it's the choice I have to make!  
Fate, faith—you and me  
Love and pain  
__Fate, faith—you and me  
Love and pain__Even I know there's a line between emotion and  
Fate, faith—you and me  
Love and pain_

"Oi."

Watanuki whirled, blinking incredulously. He was either extremely lucky, or fate seemed to be working on his side. He wanted to believe the latter, simply because Yuuko was such a fan of the stuff. "H-hello."

Doumeki pinned him against the wall, seething, "What were you doing in lunch with that boy?"

Watanuki blinked, a little intimidated by his friend, "What boy?" he inquired shakily, racking his brain.

"The blonde idiot you always hang out with."

"You mean Fai-san?" Watanuki asked in wonder. What had he and Fai done to incur such wrath? Certainly nothing out of the ordinary…

"What're you playing at? You got me out of class earlier because you wanted to confess, right? The cake too? Then you go off kissing someone else?"

Watanuki's eyes widened. That!? He hadn't paid much mind to it because Fai hadn't; the poor boy was so agitated and stressed out lately he'd oftentimes forget who he was or what he was doing. It wasn't his fault… But what the hell?! Why was Doumeki so angry about it? And hey… wait, how did he know he was going to confess…

"You… knew?…all this time?"

Doumeki sighed, softening only slightly; "Of course I did, you idiot."

Watanuki stood there for a moment, trembling. God, he felt like such a fool. Damn this idiot for making him go through all that pain for nothing! He'd done it just to humiliate him, didn't he? Oh, so Doumeki got his kicks out of manipulating poor, smitten underclassmen? A new form of freshman initiation, if you will. Tears filled his eyes, and he clenched his fists tightly.

Would he go ahead and confess or would he run? Run, of course.

He ducked under Doumeki's arm and began to make a sprint for it when the archer caught him. "Don't run anymore, Watanuki."

He'd missed his chance to do this with pride. He could choose to stay silent or go ahead and tell him. It was his choice.

God, how his chest ached; it hurt to breathe, to move, to blink back the tears. His heart throbbed against his ribs, and he was reduced to sobbing in front of the boy he loved. How stupid. How stupid. How stupid of him.

While he wanted nothing more to stop crying, he also wanted Doumeki to comfort him, to pat him awkwardly on the back as he cried, to tell him that it was okay (whatever okay was at this point, it would _certainly_ be a _lie_, but nonetheless, he _wanted_ that lie). Of course, it didn't happen, which made the poor boy indignant on top of wounded, which was not a good thing at all.

He felt that bone-crushing fear that Fai had described. He wanted to run away, but was rooted into the ground. He tipped his head up, staring at Doumeki, his gaze caught by the elder boy's. It made him shiver, turn to rubber on the spot. It was kind but angry, passionate but cold… Those amber eyes held so many contradictions that it scared Watanuki even more.

He had to choose while he still had the choice. He was terrified, but he had to choose.

"Sh…Shi-Shizuka Doumeki! I! I'm in love with you!" Watanuki shouted, bowing deeply as he did so.

Pain balled itself up into his chest, waiting to be released into his body like a poison as soon as Doumeki rejected him.

_We can't control what we are  
It's not our place; it's out of our hands!  
Fate, faith—you and me  
Love and pain  
__Fate, faith—you and me  
Love and pain  
__Even I know, there's a line between emotion and  
Fate, faith—you and me  
Love and pain_

"I've been waiting to hear you say that," Doumeki murmured, catching Watanuki's face. He tipped the boy's head up, kissing him gently.

"Really?" Watanuki mumbled breathlessly, cheeks red. "How long?"

"A very long time."

"Oh my," the boy replied weakly, swaying on his feet.

Doumeki lead Watanuki to a nearby bench, where the slighter boy sat down heavily, head in his hands. "This doesn't make sense at all," he moaned.

Doumeki crouched in front of Watanuki, watching him; "What doesn't?"

"How did you know?"

"It was obvious."

"Jerk! And you let me act like a fool the entire time?!"

"You are a fool, Watanuki; I can't help how you act," the sophomore deadpanned. Watanuki reached out to pop Doumeki upside the head, but the elder caught him.

The boy sighed, hunching his shoulders, "Don't I feel stupid?" he mumbled.

"Don't. It's over with. Maybe it was supposed to happen like this."

Watanuki chuckled; "You sound like Yuuko and her obsession with fate."

"You don't believe in fate?"

"Do you?"

"Of course I do," Doumeki answered seriously.

"Ah…" Watanuki sighed, shaking his head before leaning in to kiss the archer gently. "Then I guess I have no choice then."

_Fate, faith—you and me  
Love and pain  
__Fate, faith—you and me  
Love  
__Even I know, there's a line between emotion and  
Fate, faith  
You and me  
Love and pain_

Yuuko raised her wine glass with relish; "I knew you couldn't even mess it up, Kimihiro!" she cheered. Clow laughed, raising his own glass slightly.

Watanuki blushed, nodding at his parents, "I almost did," he admitted.

"Got that right," Doumeki agreed, raising his own glass.

"HEY! Shut it you idiot! And, ohmigawd, is that _wine_!? You're underage you know—!!" Watanuki shrieked, kicking his boyfriend under the table.

Doumeki shrugged, clicking his glass with Clow and Yuuko's, taking a prompt sip afterwards.

"Loosen up, Kimihiro!" Yuuko laughed, "It's perfectly legal if adults give it to their children, right dear?"

"Of course it is," Clow agreed with a smirk.

"_He's not yours_!"

"He will be! When you get married of course!" the woman sang happily. Even the cats meowed their approval (that or they just wanted some of the food…).

Watanuki banged his head against the table; he of course, would just have to be _fated _with the weirdest family on the planet.

He glanced up at Doumeki, smiling gently. He reached out and took his boyfriend's hand under the table and squeezed. In the end, all the pain had been worth it: it just helped him realize how much he cared and how kind Doumeki was to him—how he never would be in pain as long as they were together.

He'd never admit that he did put stock into Yuuko's silly theories, but… he was pretty happy with how fate turned out for him.


	17. Reteaching Five:Conversations in E Minor

**A/N: **_This is to fill in the gaps for the next chapter. As I was writing, mysterious things happened, and the characters (very reluctantly) revealed how they came about. Thus, this chapter was born. I've had to do gobs and gobs of research; there are about seven files on my computer reading "Gothix_Research(1)". I still have more to do. You get cookies if you can guess the callers. _

**

* * *

**

**Gothix, Reteaching Five:** _Conversations in E Minor_

"Hey, I'm sorry I've not called for a while."

"_No, it's fine. I didn't expect for you to keep in touch extensively; you're not that sort of person. I'm happy you did decide to call me when you did." _

"I'm worried."

"_About what?"_

"Well… It's personal."

"_I was your probation officer; I don't think there's anything more personal than that. I know all your dirty secrets." _

He chuckled; it was true. "I wonder if you could pull some strings? I need to get my hands on some Valium or something…"

"…_that's an odd request… Are you going to sell it by any chance?" _

"No! Nothing like that," he swore, casting a look at the sleeping figure on his bed. "I… I need it for someone."

"_Would that someone be the boy you're living with right now?" _

"How do you know I'm…?"

"_You forget that I'm a detective." _

"Yeah, yeah. Do you think you could get your wife to do something?"

_The man sighed softly; "She loves children; she'd do anything to help. But you do know her—it incurs a price." _

"Yeah, I remember too damn well. But this is something worth paying. He…" his voice cracked, "He forgot who I was yesterday. That's never happened before. He's never forgotten me…"

"_It sounds like he needs some serious help; more than just Valium can do… more than my wife can do. Remember, we do have to work within some boundaries." The man's voice was heavy; "I don't think he'll get better without help." _

"That's why I need the Valium; if I can get him relaxed, I can probably persuade him to go to the hospital to see a shrink…"

"_Would you direct him to your old one?" _

"You know she's retired."

"_I do think she'd make the exception for that child. She specializes in trauma and PTSD." _

"Yeah. Car crashes are pretty traumatic. He told me that it's been a year now."

_The man was silent for a long while; "Is that what it was?" he asked mysteriously. "My." It almost sounded like he didn't believe the words or the story. _

"But anyway, do you think you could…?"

"_I'll get back to you on it. Would you mind getting the message relayed through my son?" _

"No. He won't look, will he?"

"_He's preoccupied right now… that, and she's trained him better than that, so no." _

"Alright."

"_Hold on, my wife is here; I'll relay the message now so you can sleep on it..._" _There was a slight shuffling sound then a click as the phone was muted. After a few moments, he came back on the line. _"_She says be careful. The meeting will be arranged and relayed via my son. Be ready."_

—**END CALL ONE****—**

"H-how do you know this number?"

"_Why shouldn't I?" _

"Because—"

"_Is it so wrong to want to call you?" _

"Yes! I! I just want to move on! I don't want to have anything to do with you!"

"_Does that mean you've forgotten all about me?" _

"Y-yes!"

"_You lie, my dear," the man sneered. _

He trembled, "How did you get this number?!" he demanded. "If you don't tell me now, I swear, I'll call the police!"

"_Remember, I love you." _

—**END CALL TWO****—**


	18. Lesson Eight: Inescapable Boundaries

**A/N: **_First things first: Please give me mercy. Please, don't kill me. Remember the prologue. Remember the prologue. ... Anyway, I have not out and bawled while writing a story in a long, long, long time. (I've cried while **reading** quite a bit.) I was crying so hard at one point that I couldn't see the screen. But, that's beside the point. This chapter focuses more on Kurogane's POV than Fai's, but his are there in the songs ("Angel" by Blue October and "Out from Under" by Red.). The previous chapter clears up things mentioned here that didn't get put here for reasons unknown. (And, dammit, somehow "The Awakening" has influenced my writing!) (And Fai screams a lot. O_O Kurogane, luckily, has no neighbors.) AND! Oh, on a different note! Shunraiki is out! I can't wait 'till it gets subbed, but it's so awesome! ... Yeah, that's not distracting any of you guys, is it; you've been worrying since I asked for mercy haven't you? Oh, well... _

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson Eight: **_Inescapable. Boundaries. _

Kurogane sighed, eyeing the back of a container of frozen pasta. He opened it with a knife, and was just about to dump the contents into a pan when an ear-shattering shriek of terror, followed by a sharp crack, echoed through his apartment.

He quickly abandoned his attempt at dinner to rush into the living room, completely convinced that someone had broken in and was trying to murder Fai in cold blood.

The blonde was standing in the middle of the floor, his back to the kitchen, shoulders heaving. At his feet lay the broken remains of his cell phone. Fai took a deep breath, then screamed again, sharp and loud—this time it was angry, tearing at the back of his throat, scratchy to the ear, full of furious agony. After a second, his keening died and his shoulders slumped, his knees giving out from under him.

"Oi! Oi!" Kurogane rushed forward, catching the boy before he hit the ground. Fai looked up at him, completely terrified. His eyes were wide and shaking, his pupils swallowing his entire iris in black. His face was a pasty white color, his lips drawn tightly together. "Fai? What's the matter?" he asked, pressing the blonde close to him. This was scary. Fai looked so far away.

The blonde peered at him questioningly for a moment, but then reached out, stroking Kurogane's cheek. His hand recoiled once the elder teen reached out to grab it, and Fai shook his head. "I… thought… I…" he forced a smile on his shaking mouth, his teeth chattering as he tried to laugh, "I thought I saw a spider. I hate those things. I… I guess I dropped my phone…" he muttered, standing. Kurogane stood as well, watching irritably as Fai stepped back, away from him.

Kurogane grit his teeth, forcing back the urge to snap. "You sounded like someone was murdering you," he hissed. "What's wrong?"

Fai shook his head, straightening shakily. "Nothing's wrong, Kurogane," he said icily. He stood with such grace that Kurogane had a hard time believing the still shaking hands.

"What is your _problem_?!" Kurogane finally snapped, reaching out to grab Fai's thin shoulders.

Fai gasped in horror, his eyes widening, if possible, even more. "I said there wasn't a problem," he stammered shakily.

Kurogane scoffed, squeezing the boy tightly before pushing him back. "Get it together," he mumbled, unsure of whether he was addressing Fai or himself.

Fai was falling apart before his eyes—the blonde was crumbling, piece by piece, and Kurogane could do nothing to help. The nightmares were worsening—Fai didn't even try to hide them anymore as he woke up screaming every night. (Kurogane was thankful that he had no neighbors.) The boy was forgetting things more frequently: sometimes, he wouldn't even recognize his own name. Fai would barely even touch him anymore.

He wouldn't go to the doctor; he refused that there was anything wrong with him; he wouldn't even talk about it.

It was awful. Sheer hell.

What was worse, however, was that Kurogane knew Fai was cutting himself to shreds every night. Some mornings, he'd wake to find blood on the sheets around his boyfriend's sleeping form…

He couldn't stop it—he couldn't stop him. He couldn't help him. He didn't know where to start; he didn't know how to try. Being there… wasn't enough. His presence, which once had helped Fai considerably, wasn't strong enough to save him.

It was beginning to wear on his nerves. His head always pounded, and his jaw was always clenched. A sharp pain had worked its way into his chest, throbbing with every attack. He was almost as skittish as Fai, which said a lot.

He didn't know how much more of this he could take.

**XxXxXxX**

Fai, after all his antics, had to buy a new cell phone. His old one was completely ruined. He'd tried for the past week to try to fix it, but stepping on a mobile phone… wasn't good for the technology. So, new phone it was.

It didn't matter.

It really didn't.

It meant that he wouldn't be getting anymore calls.

And then his phone rang.

**XxXxXxX**

Kurogane punched the alarm clock wearily, rolling over to gently shake Fai awake; "Oi. It's six. Wake up."

Fai rolled over, pressing his face into the pillow with a soft moan.

Kurogane chuckled sleepily, sliding out of bed; "I'll take a shower first then; just be awake when I get out."

Fai only snored in response. The elder rolled his eyes, moving towards the bathroom. He'd let Fai sleep longer today—yeah, they'd end up late… but the blonde had barely slept that night…

As he stepped under the jets of hot water, he let his mind wander freely. He always did his best thinking in the shower—be it life problems or math problems, the answers just came easily there.

Nothing was happening. They'd had a fight—again—the other night about Fai going to the doctor; it had been particularly nasty on Fai's part, the blonde hissing insults and curses left and right while Kurogane took the (uncharacteristically) gentler side. Fai was not getting better.

Neither was his standing with the rest of the Gothix. Watanuki was getting terse with him, insisting that he couldn't coddle Fai forever; Sakura was getting malicious, sending numerous girls his way in an attempt to break them up; and Shaoran was just irritated because he wanted Sakura to shut up about it.

Fai was even more irritated that his friends had found out. The blonde was just so unstable these days; it was hard to tell what would set him off.

He was getting more than he bargained for. All he wanted right now was to be able to hold Fai in his arms and make sure the blonde felt safe from whatever terrorized him.

He scrubbed at his hair absently, rinsing with a sigh. This was so difficult. Maybe if he could corner Fai when he was in a good mood, then he could get the blonde to be compliant? No, it would never work. Fai was too damn stubborn, he chuckled, a smirk stretching across his mouth. He at least had to admire it; Fai always got his way. It would be far more entertaining, however, if Fai had him wrapped around his finger for things like dates and kisses instead of nightmares and day terrors.

He shut off the water, drying himself off, his mind still racing. He got dressed, padding into the bedroom half-expecting to see Fai sitting blearily in bed, staring at the alarm clock like he did for a half-hour every day. He'd look up, then sigh; 'Your clock is wrong, Kuro-sama', he'd say, his mouth quirking into the smile he'd not seen since Christmas. He'd then swoop down and kiss Fai deeply, and everything would be nice and happy and corny once more… God, he'd never admit how much he missed it. How much he missed Fai's boisterous, yet slightly sad, antics. He missed being able to yell at the blonde, pulling him into his arms… He cared for Fai deeply, but… he wasn't sure if he could continue on like this.

He sighed, finding Fai buried deep under the covers, still asleep. He sat down on the edge of the bed, peeling the comforter from the blonde's lithe frame. His hand hovered above the blonde's waist as he stopped himself from pulling Fai to his chest. He gently shook the boy, "Fai," he urged quietly, "C'mon, wake up."

For a split second, he was afraid that the boy wouldn't open his eyes for some reason. He was terrified that Fai wouldn't wake up.

It would have been so much preferable to what _did_ happen.

Fai blearily opened his eyes, dull pools of cobalt shadowed to navy by sleep and eyelashes. He stared at Kurogane for a long second, then blinked again, this time totally alert. He sat up, scooting back across the bed, hugging the sheets to his body in terror.

"What's wrong?" Kurogane asked, reaching out for the boy.

Fai slapped his hand away; "Who the hell are you?!" he croaked, "Get away from me!"

No, Kurogane mused, he _couldn't deal with this anymore_.

**XxXxXxX**

"Kurogane-san! Kurogane-san!" Watanuki came barreling up the deserted hallway after his kendo practice, waving his arms to catch the sophomore's attention.

Kurogane slammed his locker shut, hoisting his book bag to his shoulder as the bespectacled teen skidded to a stop in front of him, grabbing onto the lockers for support. He caught his breath quickly, waving a small white envelope.

"Y-Yuuko-san tol…told me to give this to you," he panted, nodding.

"Oh. Yeah. Thanks."

"What is it, by the way?" Watanuki queried.

Kurogane stiffened, shaking his head slowly. "…Doumeki is waiting for you."

Watanuki turned his head to the end of the hall where the archer was leaned against the door, indeed, waiting on him. "Oh… well… later then."

Kurogane nodded, swallowing heavily. Once Watanuki was out of sight, he opened the envelope, a bag of white tablets falling into his hand, along with a letter.

_I will extract payment once your life is settled._

Kurogane snorted; generous, wasn't she?

**XxXxXxX**

Kurogane returned home from practice to hear Fai arguing with himself.

He peeked around the corner into his bedroom to see that no, Fai was just on the phone. He spoke in harsh, clipped tones that made chills run down even Kurogane's spine. Fai sounded absolutely murderous.

"I'm sorry. I will not." Fai paused, "What the fuck do you mean I have to?! I let you do whatever the hell you wanted to so I could avoid this day… I am not doing that."

Kurogane frowned, what was Fai into?

"You must have someone else to do it. I will not. Do you know what he did? He called me. Check it. I dare you. Somehow, he got my number and called."

There was a long moment where Kurogane could almost hear Fai seething.

"What the hell do you mean that no one called me that day?! …Whatever. I'm not going. You can't make me. I like it here. No."

Then the boy hung up quickly, growling with frustration.

Kurogane backed up into the living room, turning on the TV to alert Fai that he was home. The pills sat heavily in his pocket, and he prayed he wouldn't have to use them anytime soon…

His mind drifted; it sounded like Fai was in something serious. The first thing that came to mind was a drug ring, but that was impossible. So… what was it?

He sighed and let it drop as Fai meandered into the room, the blank look that Kurogane would trade even for the fake smile on his face.

**XxXxXxX**

"Say," Fai mumbled, staring at his hands. Watanuki looked at him, putting down his lunch. That day, the two had separated from their usual partners to dine with each other. They sat outside near the tennis courts, upon rickety old bleachers, pear blossoms and grass clippings blowing in the wind.

"Mm?"

"Is it wrong… to love a parent? Even if they did the most horrible thing imaginable?" the blonde whispered inattentively. "Even if they didn't love you back… is it wrong to want… to see them?"

Watanuki leaned forward, placing a hand on Fai's knee; "Of course it's not, Fai-san." His heart twinged; he knew what Fai was talking about. He couldn't blame Fai for wanting to hate his father after all that happened to him. (He inwardly cursed his adoptive-parents for telling him thing that he just didn't want to know.)

"He screwed me over, and I still want to see him!" Fai sobbed, burying his head in his hands, "Why?"

The raven-haired boy climbed over their lunch to gently hug Fai, "Because he's your father, Fai-san; even if you feel he betrayed you, you still love him, no matter what because you're that sort of person. You're the type who loves without limits—you remember every good thing that a person ever did. And you love them. It has nothing to do with 'because he's your father' like people will tell you, but it's because he loved you once, and so you love him now," Watanuki soothed.

"My dad's not dead," Fai hiccupped, "He's in jail."

Watanuki made a noise he hoped sounded like one of surprise. "Ah."

"I want to see him, Watanuki!" Fai wailed, shaking his head, "But I'm scared! He doesn't care about me at all!"

Watanuki shook his head, sitting back on his heels; "No matter how a parent acts, they always, at one point, love their children. He may have to dig, but he cares. There's a reason for everything, Fai-san; try to find it, and you'll understand."

Watanuki gently held Fai to his chest as the blonde cried five years of unshed tears for his father. It hurt, to see his dear friend breaking like this. He prayed that Kurogane could help Fai soon…

**XxXxXxX**

It was so much better here, where the lights blurred his eyes, hidden by contacts. It was so much better where no one knew who he was exactly, just that he was a musician. It was so much of a relief to pretend to be someone entirely different from himself, one who just could let it all out without a worry. Yes… it was better here onstage.

"_How do you tell your father_

_That you want him to notice you?!_

_Why does this seem like such a bother? _

_When mom says—_

"_You'd be better off dead"…_

_I still want to see you, I still want to see you! _

_Oh, would you call me? _

_Oh, it's not hard to; _

_I'm the first one you gave birth to, _

_And oh, would you write me on my birthday? _

_Graduation, graduation was yesterday! _

_Yesterday! Oh… _

_How do you hold the special victim?_

_When they push you away? _

_When they've been _

_Raped on the inside; torn on the outside_

_The dirt and ugly from the stain that they try to hide…_"

Yes… it was so much easier here, he mused, tears mixing with sweat as he sang.

**XxXxXxX**

For the third time that week, Kurogane returned home alone. Fai had forgotten to wait until his practice ended, so he'd had to catch a ride home with someone else. This was starting to grate on his nerves. He could only be understanding for so long.

He was greeted with the smell of smoke. He cursed under his breath, slamming the door shut behind him as he ran into the kitchen, dropping his stuff behind him.

He barely paused to regard the scene, instead, running to shut off the stove before taking care of whatever state Fai was in. Apparently, the blonde could burn water. Lovely.

Once one crisis was averted, he turned his attention to the walking disaster that was his boyfriend. He sighed sadly.

Fai was huddled on the floor, broken glass around him. He held a jagged piece of it in his hand, the clear edges rimmed red with blood. His hands and feet were covered in the stuff; Kurogane looked around, then shook his head. It had actually been an honest-to-god mistake, it looked like.

He kept the glassware in the second shelf, where he could easily reach it. Fai, however, was shorter than he was, and had problems reaching it. He guessed it was the way his face, hands, and feet were scratched, and the tipped over chair that lay on the floor that tipped him off. "Fai?" he called tentatively, reaching out to gently touch the blonde's face.

Fai shrieked, scrambling away though the glass. "No, no, no! I'm sorry, I swear I am! It won't happen again! I'm sorry!" He shook heavily, curling in upon himself, as if expecting a blow.

"Fai! Snap out of it!" Kurogane called, leaning closer, surveying the way Fai's eyes watched something that was not him. He rubbed his temples. Hallucinations again.

Fai continued to shake; whimpering out apologizes to some unknown. Kurogane sighed; some of those cuts were rather deep, with pieces of jagged glass embedded into his skin.

It wasn't healthy. Fai really needed to be tended to. He fumbled in his pocket, finally having enough of the blonde's antics. They couldn't be ignored anymore.

_He couldn't take another second of it. _

He pulled out the pills, and snapped a tablet of Valium in half, seizing the boy in his free hand. He pinned Fai down, who started to scream bloody murder at being touched, and forced the pill into his mouth.

He hated himself for doing it…

But it had to be done.

**XxXxXxX**

The image of his father faded; now it was black. Hands were on his body, forcefully pinning him down. He struggled as his mouth was forced open, and something was shoved down his throat.

Suddenly, his memories shifted.

_**Blood. Fire. Black. The sick smell of sanitizer. Nurses bolting him down to a bed, shoving him full of needles longer than his fingers. Blackness again. Pain. Sorrow. Blood…**_

The taste of diazepam burning, acid, harsh in the back of his mouth; a strong hand on his jaw.

"NO!" he screamed, his voice already raw. He spat out the offending pill, struggling to get free. He threw punches, bit, and even scratched to get away.

When he came to, and the hands left, he found himself looking up at Kurogane.

"…what did you just try to do?" he whispered brokenly. The one person who would never try to do anything that he didn't want… Kurogane… who'd always been kind and gentle, even if it was against his nature… Who'd always kept his temper with Fai, even though he so easily snapped at others… "Why?"

"It needed to be done," Kurogane said icily.

Fai shook his head, scrambling out from under the elder teen. "You needed to drug me?!" he whimpered shrilly, checking himself. "What for?! Are you tired of me?! Were you going to…to m-mole…m…take advantage of me!? _Why_!?"

Kurogane… who was the person who reminded him the least of his father when he was sober now wore a face that Fai had only ever seen on Ashura. "I can't stand it anymore."

"Stand what?!" The blonde demanded angrily.

"You need _help_, Fai!" Kurogane shouted, rising to his feet.

Fai's body went cold. His chest hurt badly now. His body ached from where he fell, but more so… it felt like his chest was caving in; his heart was straining to even beat right. Oh, it hurt so badly. "I don't need help," he whispered. "I'm perfectly fine."

Kurogane's fists shook, and Fai flinched, fearing that the elder teen would finally break and strike him.

Kurogane watched Fai indignantly; first Fai forgot him, then the blonde thought he'd hit him?! He'd had it. He couldn't do it anymore. "Fai, you're always shaking, you're always screaming, having nightmares, talking to no one, forgetting people. You've even forgotten me! You won't let me touch you; you won't let me talk to you… We've not had a conversation in weeks!" his voice finally broke and he turned his head away from the freshman. He'd lost it weeks ago when Fai forgot him for the first time; and since, it had happened twice. Each time, it hit harder and harder. He feared leaving Fai alone… When it had began, he had feared losing the blonde to his cutting habit…

He'd almost prefer that; it was better than to lose Fai completely than to live with the empty body.

His entire body trembled. He. Couldn't. Deal. With. It.

Not another person he couldn't protect. Not another person he ended up doing nothing for. He was useless. It hadn't made a difference at all in Fai's life that he was there.

He was stupid for getting attached. He was stupid for letting the boy into his house, his life, his heart. He was a moron for allowing Fai to introduce him to being lonely. He hated himself for opening himself up like this. He was an absolute idiot for falling in love.

And Fai didn't even love him enough to try.

"You're imagining things, Kurogane!" Fai pleaded, "I swear, we can go on a date or something! I… was going to apologize tonight, I was going to make dinner—I know I've been preoccupied, but—!"

"No buts," Kurogane snapped, "Fai if you don't get your ass off the floor now," he hissed, "And let me take you to the hospital to get you a mental checkup, I swear I'll…"

"You swear you'll what," Fai growled—he didn't take well to threats. "You won't do a damn thing, because there's nothing wrong with me! I won't do it! _It's better for us both if I don't!_"

Kurogane snapped, whirling around to face Fai. "Then _get out_ of my damn house! _**I don't want to see you anymore!**_"

It was easier to end it now. It was easier to be angry and mean and cruel like he'd been before. It was so much better to push people away than to draw them close. It was easier to hurt than to nurture. It was easier to not care.

It was easier said than done.

Kurogane almost cried—and he hated to cry, he never did it, it was weak and stupid— as he watched Fai's face shatter. All the anger and the defiance and the remnants of fear fell from his face and he sat there, eyes and mouth wide as his blood drained from his face.

"W…wha…what?" he whispered shakily, a hysterical laugh bubbling out of his throat. "What?" he repeated, his lip trembling heavily. "A-ar…are you _joking_?"

"You heard me." He couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't stand the sorrow; he couldn't stand the pain; he'd rather _die_ than do _this_, but he'd rather do _this_ than watch Fai _die_.

Tears began to roll down Fai's face, his breath coming out in shuddering gasps; he shook his head, once… twice… then again, vehemently denying it. The tears came heavier and heavier until the boy was gasping for breath as grief-stricken, violent sobs tore out of his small body. "N-no! No!" he cried, "You can't! You can't!"

Kurogane shook his head; "I can."

Fai lurched forward, grabbing a hold of Kurogane's shirt with shaking fingers, smearing half-dried blood across the sophomore's jeans and top; "No!" he begged, "Please, _no_!" His voice hitched as his throat closed in with the advent of another sob; his cheeks were splotched bright red, his eyes bloodshot. "NO! _NO_!" he screamed, shaking his head:

"You can't do this to me!"

Kurogane looked away. _No_, he thought, _I really can't. I really, really __**can't**__…_

"You promised me! You promised you'd protect me! You can't just leave me like this! I need you! Please, no! I can't! You can't! _Kuro-sama, I need you!_"

_Too late… too late…_ "Stop," Kurogane commanded softly, reaching down to grab Fai's hands.

The blonde relaxed, the edges of a relieved smile playing on his lips, "Kuro-sama…"

Kurogane threw Fai's hands off his shirt; "Out. Now. You can get your stuff later. I don't want to see your face ever again. And stop sniveling. It's disgusting."

God, it hurt. It tore him apart to see the hope die in Fai's eyes; his breathing became uneven and he turned away so he wouldn't have to see the blonde's heart break anymore in front of him.

Fai did not silence, like Kurogane thought he would. The boy was stubborn; god how he loved that about him…

_Please, I'm begging you, please stop… I'll take it back if you don't stop… _

"I'm sorry! I won't do it again! Please don't do this to me! _I need you! __**I'll die**__!_" Fai reached out, trying to grab hold of Kurogane once more, but the sophomore slapped his hand away. "Please, _**don't**_! I'll always smile, I'll always be happy; I'll do it for you!"

_I'm going to lose him one day anyway; I'll make it so bad… I'll make him so miserable that he won't even look my way again… That he'll get over me and be happy again…_

"I don't want your stupid promises," Kurogane lied viciously; truthfully, he wanted it more than anything in the world. He wanted nothing more than to scoop Fai up into his arms, kiss away the tears, and promise him it would all be okay.

But it wouldn't, would it? Okay was just a lie. Promises meant nothing.

Truth was, he was deathly afraid of being lost. He was afraid that he would be left behind. He couldn't take it anymore. It just hurt too much.

"You! But you promised me! Please, don't lie! Don't do this!"

"I _lied_, deal with it. I don't want to hear it anymore."

Fai finally let go of Kurogane, collapsing upon the floor as he sobbed brokenly. Kurogane grit his teeth against the pain that was building in his chest, threatening to burst. He turned slowly, walking out of the room at a measured pace. He stood in the doorway, leaning against it, his arms crossed tightly across his stomach, swallowing heavily. He had such an urge to throw up.

"…d…Did… did it mean a thing to you at all?" Fai whimpered after he had cried himself out. His voice was hoarse and weary, his voice trembling; "Did… you at least care… at all? At least once… did you think… 'he's cute' or… 'I like that about him'?"

Kurogane cleared his throat, thick with pain and unshed tears. He was unsure who here was hurting the most. Fai, surely. But it had to happen. "I hate pretty words."

"_Lie to me_," Fai begged. "Please… K-kuro-sama, just please, _**lie to me**_. Tell me you loved me."

Kurogane found his jaw shaking and his eyes burning. If he told him, he'd be lying by saying that it _was_ a lie. He loved him. Truly and unalterably, he loved him. Without his consent, he inhaled shakily like one does before the onslaught of tears. Catching himself, he turned it into a snort. He would not cry. Men did not cry. If you were strong, you didn't cry—you did not display any weakness at all.

"I won't waste my breath with you. Never did I once care."

Damn, he was going to hell. When he died, he was going straight to hell for hurting someone as innocent as Fai, for lying to someone so pure, for refusing something so beautiful and wonderful… He was going to hell for breaking the boy.

But it was for Fai's own safety. He couldn't bring himself to force Fai to do anything. He couldn't bring himself to defy the blonde's will—it took every ounce of control to do this now. But there were others, Sakura and Shaoran and Watanuki, who could make him go, make him get better… if he was gone from the picture.

Oh, if only he hadn't fallen for the blonde! He wouldn't be in such pain.

Fai rose shakily, tottering. He stumbled towards the door, tripping at the threshold. Out of sheer instinct, Kurogane caught his elbow, steadying the blonde.

Fai shrugged him off, glaring at him with bloodshot, swollen eyes—if looks could kill, Kurogane would have been beheaded, dismembered, disemboweled, burned, and spat on. "Don't you dare ever touch me again or I'm calling the fucking police," he hissed. "I shouldn't have even bothered with trying to keep you safe." A new flood of tears filled his eyes, and he ran out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him, bleeding, crying, and barefoot.

Kurogane sunk to the floor, head in his hands. "I cared. That's why I had to do this: because I cared..."

**XxXxXxX**

"_Knocked off my feet—_

_The earth moved beneath, _

_The edge of a dream and a nightmare; _

_Open the door! _

_Fell through the floor! _

_Slipped through the cracks into nowhere! _

_So tell me: _

_Where were you when everything fell down like thunder!? _

_I begged you to pull me through! _

_I couldn't get out from under!_"

It was his fault. It was his fault. He should have trusted Kurogane. He should have taken his medicine like a good boy. He should have ignored the files. He should have ignored his father. He should have… he should have… he should have…

But it didn't change the fact that Kurogane _abandoned _him!

"_I took the fall—_

_I took it all! _

_Last night was just an illusion!_"

God, what he'd give to make it all just a nightmare. Like the one where all his friends died and the man from the shadows disappeared. His hands shook against his guitar, almost unable to continue the concert.

He really just wanted to slip down into the darkness and die.

"_**Cut me, I bleed! **_

_**Feel me in need! **_

_**I finally broke under pressure!**_

_So tell me: _

_Where were you when everything fell down like thunder!? _

_I begged you to pull me through! _

_I couldn't get out from under!_"

He needed Kurogane; without him, he wondered how he was supposed to stay sane. Kurogane kept him anchored. He reminded him why he continued living.

He kept living because Kurogane cared for him, broken bits and all. He was the first to promise him that he'd be safe, that he'd not be alone.

He broke his damn promise!

"_Left me for dead inside my head; _

_Couldn't you see that I was still breathing!?_

_Screaming, I reached for you; _

_I couldn't get out from under…_"

He was having problems, he admitted it. But no matter how many shrinks he went to, they could never correctly diagnose him. They didn't know who he was, what he'd done, what had been done to him. They couldn't help. The best he could do was take his meds and pray.

He'd stopped… why had he stopped? Because he'd been so happy with Kurogane and the Gothix, of course… but now, Kurogane left him… and the Gothix weren't as fun as they used to be.

He was still there! No matter what Kurogane said! He was still there; his heart was still beating—all for him! All for him! Everything was for him! Every breath, every beat, every note: they were all for him!

It wasn't his fault his past preceded him. That his father screwed him up so irreparably that he couldn't bring himself to completely love someone, no matter how devoted he was…

But somewhere, he was glad. He was glad he didn't give everything to Kurogane; it would have been so much worse if they had slept together. So much worse if he had been able to conquer his past for him… So much more painful…

"_Where were you?_

_I reached for you—_

_The pressure broke me down..._

_Where were you? _

_I reached for you—_

_The pressure broke me_

_Where were you_

_The pressure broke me_

_Where were you_

_The pressure broke me_

_Where were you—_

_I reached for you!_"

That song was the end of their set. Fai wiped off the mixture of sweat and tears from his face; "That's it for tonight, guys," he murmured into the microphone; "Man, am I tired. Um… two weeks from now, we'll be here, celebrating an independently released EP of ours, so be ready."

**XxXxXxX**

There was no more reason. He reached out, hand outstretched, waiting for the hands that were there to take his.

One by one, they all recoiled.

It was over. He'd not been able to escape himself.

He was better off dead…

He was dead.

"Goodbye… I love you, you know… I'm sorry for the problems I caused," Fai murmured sadly, looking up at the soft glow of lights from Kurogane's apartment. He shook his head, choking back tears, then turned to the man in the car: "Go ahead. There's nothing you can do to me anymore."

**XxXxXxX**

No one saw Fai after that concert. No one knew where he went, or how he got there, or even if he was still alive.

**_He was gone._**


	19. Lesson Nine, Part One: Gave It All Away

A/N: _Lesson Nine is actually a two-parter; not because it's long or anything (part one is actually relatively short...) But because otherwise, it just wouldn't mesh together. It's better this way, trust me. Part one and part two happen simultaneously: Part one's for Kurogane, while part two is for Fai. Meaning: at least two more chapters before the angst is semi-over. ...Originally, this was going to be a songfic for "Gave it All Away" by Red, but I decided not to use the lyrics though I kept the title. (But listen to the song for mood purposes!!!) Overall, this chapter gave me problems. UGH. Enjoy!!!_

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson Nine. One:** _Gave It All Away_

"He's gone."

"Say again?!"

"Fai is gone. It's your fault."

Kurogane stared at Sakura, who glared back at him icily, managing to look threatening with heavy bags under her eyes. She turned and stalked away, volleyball in hand, her rage almost indistinguishable in the game save for a few well-aimed spikes.

He took the beating without respite. He took it not from Sakura but from Watanuki and Shaoran, and even Tomoyo, who graced him with a sad silence in their shared math class.

He knew, and so he accepted his punishment.

It was clear what he should have done then and there: he shouldn't have let him leave. To hell with fear and sorrow; he should have picked up Fai and just totted him to the hospital himself. He shouldn't have done what he did, he knew it.

But he was _scared_. So he'd given it up; he'd turned his back on the boy. It was a stupid, last minute, rash decision. One he regretted heavily.

But there was no turning back from his cowardice—even if Fai was here, he knew the boy wouldn't forgive him so easily. …If he was here…

Where had he gone? Disappeared was what the Gothix had said. Did that mean he was never coming back? Was he dead?

Guilt and sorrow and terror set heavy in his stomach. He didn't know what to do—he needed to talk to someone, anyone… so he went to the one person who he knew would listen.

He pushed open the door, the wind chime jangling cheerily altering the store's worker to a new customer.

"Hold on! I'll be with you in a moment!" Watanuki called. A loud crash, echoed by a heavy swear, followed the boy's greeting and in a moment, Watanuki came around a corner, professional smile on his face. It dropped instantly. "And why are you here?"

"I need to talk to someone. I need to talk to _you_."

"What if I have nothing to say to you?" Watanuki snapped icily. He crossed his arms across his chest, stubborn in both tone and stature.

"I expect you have a great deal to say to me."

The boy sighed, "Actually, I do," he admitted begrudgingly. He rolled his eyes, turning on his heels, "Follow me." He stalked off to the back of the store, ducking through a cloth curtain that separated the store from the main household. Kurogane followed, nodding politely at Clow and Yuuko who sat at the kitchen table, discussing something heavily.

The two adults nodded their greetings, something stony and troubled behind their eyes. "Is your father looking into it?" Kurogane asked, once out of earshot of the two adults.

"Oh, he knows already," Watanuki said vaguely. He began to climb the stairs to his attic room, Kurogane stomping along behind him. "It's no use asking; he won't tell you."

"Why not?!"

"Because I told him not to," the boy snapped.

"_Why_?!"

Watanuki rounded on him, "Because you were stupid enough to let him go in the first place! Now you miss him? That's bullshit, and you know it! You didn't want to watch him go, did you!?"

"No, I didn't."

"But you did, because you're a raging idiot!"

"I have my own reasons, Watanuki," Kurogane said chillily, "And I'd thank you not to comment on them."

Watanuki sighed, "Look, Kurogane-san, I know things have been hard on you since your parents died. I _understand_. You're still scared of losing things, aren't you?"

Kurogane inclined his head slightly, his rage subsiding only a little.

"Well, I assure you… Fai's just like you… He's just not as sturdy. Now… Excuse me, I have Precalculus homework." With that, Watanuki turned, sliding into his room before slamming the door in Kurogane's face.

**XxXxXxX**

On the way home, the sophomore seethed. Watanuki had no right to talk; he had no idea what it was like watching _that. _His hands shook. He hadn't thought about it since he'd been released from it. But it kept cropping up lately. Ever since Fai had asked about his parents. The look on the blonde's face when Kurogane had told him that he didn't deserve anything special. Maybe that was why it haunted him; that someone as innocent as Fai had fallen for a killer. …

Fai had worshiped the ground he friggin' walked on. And then he had to go and—

"Damn it!" Kurogane took his frustration out on a nearby telephone pole, kicking it violently. In the end, he got nothing for it but a very sore foot.

He knew that he was going to regret what he did, but he hadn't figured on how much he had actually _needed _Fai. He didn't know how horribly he'd miss him.

_It sucked. _

**XxXxXxX**

_He walked through the halls, feeling for some reason, he'd forgotten something. He blinked—the school was empty. Why was that? He looked down, then nodded absently. Of course: he was wearing his kendo uniform, so it made sense that there was no one in the school. So what had he forgotten? _

_Had to be something important; it felt like part of himself was missing. His heart was hollow, like someone had come and carved it out like a pumpkin for Halloween. Like a lantern, something was flickering inside of it, fluttering and fragile. Ah… that's what it was. He was looking for the person who carved him out, creating the broken little flame that he carried. He needed them. _

_The halls seemed to be longer than normal, so he broke into a run. Something was telling him to be fast, urging him to go harder, swifter, or something horrible would happen. _

_He reached the head of the hallway, seeing someone silhouetted against the large double doors that lead outside. Sunlight poured around him, even though in every other window it was raining. (He snorted—fitting; Fai was like sunshine on a rainy day. Corny. He'd have to kill the person who wrote this stuff. )_

"_Oi!" He called out, skidding to a halt in front of Fai. "Why am I looking for you?" _

_Fai turned to him haltingly, chewing his lip. A grin almost broke out on Kurogane's face—he'd always meant to tell Fai how adorable the little habit was. He grabbed the boy's arm gently, tugging him forward with every intention of stealing a kiss. _

_Fai jerked his arm away, "Don't touch me," he said icily. _

_Something seemed to die in Kurogane; the little flame jumped and went out for a split second. "Oh, yeah. Sorry, forgot we were at school. But no one's here, surely—"_

"_I don't care for you to break my heart a second time. Goodbye." Fai turned away, stepped into the light, and disappeared. _

_It was only then that Kurogane realized that there was blood on his hands. _

Kurogane jerked awake, pillows and sheets tangled around him. He sat up, then sighed. Another day had passed, with no Fai at all. That made it four days now. The Gothix were becoming more and more hostile. He flopped back down onto the mattress, burying his face in a nearby pillow, then groaned. He rolled away from Fai's side of the bed, tossing the pillow far from him, intent on squashing any fuel to anymore dreams.

He'd not dreamt that vividly since _that _incident had been resolved. Somehow, he felt like there'd be more coming.

He was right.

**XxXxXxX**

He was going crazy; he couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't focus. He was so worried. People were starting to notice.

"Kurogane, what's wrong?" Tomoyo asked, settling down next to Kurogane at lunch. They sat outside at a two-person table, the delicate white blossoms of the few late-blooming pear trees falling haphazardly through the courtyard.

Kurogane stared at his cousin blankly. "Nothing," he grumbled, running a hand through his hair, tugging on the locks irritably.

"You're doing that thing with your hair—you're worried about something."

Kurogane grunted.

Tomoyo delicately opened her lunch, pulling out a sandwich. She ate silently, scrutinizing her cousin's every move. "I see. You're worried about Fai-san." She gave a soft sigh, "I really must say, it _is _your fault."

"I didn't tell him to run off!" Kurogane snapped loudly, causing many people in the vicinity to jump.

"But, you see… Fai-san is like you were when you were younger. He was scared of losing you… That's why he tried so hard. Any fool could see he was in love with you."

Kurogane started guiltily—he'd never noticed. He saw Fai's descent into insanity as a way of the blonde giving up, abandoning life. He never saw him struggling. "He didn't try."

"Why do you think he denied treatment?" Tomoyo asked, "You told me yourself he was quite adamant about it." She delicately wiped her mouth, taking a sip from her tea. "It's my guess is that he didn't want you to see him so weak."

"That's stupid!" Kurogane blustered.

"No, what's stupid is you not doing anything about him leaving. Was you leaving him in the first place because of your old complexes. Was you being afraid that your old temper would get the better of you…"

"I was scared," the sophomore admitted, dropping his head to his hands. "I kept coming so close to hitting him… that girl is right…"

Tomoyo sighed, "While Sakura-chan is absolutely adorable in every sense," she gushed, "Does not mean she's right. You'd never raise your hand against someone you loved. Never against Fai-san. I say you two settle this once he gets back; kiss and make up, make it official, take him on a romantic date." Tomoyo packed her lunch back up, rising to leave, "And as pay for my wonderful advice, Kurogane-kun, I get to film your hot and steamy date!" she giggled, flouncing off.

Kurogane growled, banging his head against the table; a serious conversation with Tomoyo? Never.

**XxXxXxX**

Watanuki sighed, looking from face to face. He felt bad about what he was going to do, but they needed an explanation. "You guys…Fai didn't leave because Kurogane dumped him."

Sakura raised an eyebrow, "Really now?"

"…He's gone back to his hometown for a trial."

"Is pretty boy a criminal!?" Shaoran exclaimed, jolting forward in interest.

"No. His father is… he has to testify against him this week. He was going to leave no matter what… it just happened to coincide with Kurogane breaking up with him… he should be back," Watanuki whispered.

"So the car crash…?"

"A cover story… Please, please don't tell anyone," Watanuki begged. "I'm not even supposed to know—I just heard Clow-san talking about it to Yuuko-san."

Sakura and Shaoran nodded.

"But I'm still mad at him," Sakura muttered angrily.

**XxXxXxX**

"_Where is he?" _

"…_!! I just got the call; Clow-san said he's back! It sounds like he looks like he's in bad shape…" _

"_Let's hurry!" _

It was raining. Hard and fast, the rain poured down against the ground. It barely managed to stifle the scream.

"_Call an ambulance, dammit!" _

"_All that blood…" _

"_Fai-san?! Can you hear us?" _

"_Fai, please! Wake up!" _

It was the type of rain that killed people. It was the kind of storm that made even emergencies take more time, despite the blaring lights and speeding paces. To take the time for safety was unsafe, save for the rain.

"_Sakura, go get Kurogane, tell him what happened." _

"_No! Why do you think he did it in the first place!?" _

"_Sakura, you heard me, go get him!" _

"_I said no, Watanuki!" _

"_Listen to me! Kurogane's the only person who can make him want to live! You can't do that!"_

Tears and rain were something that became inexorably mixed that night. Lightning struck at hearts and thunder tore them apart. Storms were an end… But they also signaled the beginning of something. Lightning not only destroyed, but created—illuminated.

No one was on the streets, no one even dared to go out, save for one teenaged girl in ripped jeans and black with running makeup, her hands tinged red with smearing blood.

She rushed up the steps to Kurogane's apartment, banging on the door with her fists, screaming at the top of her lungs to be heard over the wind; "Kurogane Suwa! Open the damn door!"

The lock clicked and Sakura collapsed as the door opened under her weight. She threw her thin body at the older teen, "Kurogane-san! You! And—! You have to!"

Kurogane looked down at Sakura, confused, "What are you doing here?" he asked icily. What was with this girl? She was making death threats one minute, then the next she was throwing herself at him.

"You have to come with me!" she sobbed, "You have to come to the hospital with me!"

Kurogane looked down at her hands, dripping watery blood even though her hands and arms were unwounded. "What's the matter?" he asked sharply, grabbing her shoulders.

"Fai-san!"

Kurogane's heart stopped, and for a second it felt like he was going to do something as girly as faint. The moment passed, "What did the idiot do?!"

"He… We went to his apartment… and oh, god, there was so much blood! He's going to die," she moaned helplessly.

Kurogane paid no mind to Sakura's sudden change in heart; he paid no mind to the storm raging outside, to the fact that he was in his sweats, or the fact that he had no shoes on. He simply grabbed his keys, grabbed Sakura, then rushed to his car and headed out.

He couldn't simply give Fai away; he couldn't relinquish his feelings. He was ready to take it all back, even if he had to beg.

It would be okay…

Or so he desperately hoped.


	20. Lesson Nine, Part Two: Take It All Away

**A/N: **_Part two of lesson nine. Yaaaay. Uhm, for mood purposes, listen to "Take it All Away" by Red for this chapter. I forgot to mention last chapter that I'm on break right now, so hopefully, I'll be able to write a few more chapters before going back to school. (EW.) So, enjoy! OMG, I'm so surprised at you guys! No one mentioned the slip last chapter! Kurogane slipped up and talked about his past! (It was an internal monologue, but still!) Did no one notice? (And I'm sure no one noticed the jab I made at myself, but...) _

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson Nine .Two :**_ Take it All Away_

"Why did you suddenly give in?"

"There was nothing left to fight for," he whispered quietly. He turned his head, watching the scenery blur by as the car rocketed down the highway. "There's no risk now; if I have to move, I will…there's nothing I want to keep there. …I was _stupid_," he spat, shaking his head; "How could I let myself do that?"

The man turned his head, surveying the boy next to him; "I'm sorry," he murmured. "But it's necessary, you know… To keep you safe."

Fai turned, grinning brokenly at the driver. "I felt safer with Kuro-sama," he whimpered, dropping his head in his hands. "He was going to protect me. I didn't even tell him, but he promised to protect me! He could have done it too, if he wanted… but he _didn't_."

Ohjiro frowned, "You mean that boy you started living with?" He ran a hand through his hair absently; "Was he the reason you were so hell bent on staying a secret?"

Fai drew his knees to his chest, curled completely in the front seat of the dark-windowed car. "I wanted to stay with him; I wanted to stay in Koryo as long as I could. I felt less like a criminal living there and more like a teenager…I was able to forget for just a little…"

"You're not a criminal."

"I'm a _Flowright_. That's something that I can never forget."

Ohjiro sighed.

"He's going to win the trial, you know… Nothing I can say can prove he did it."

"I have a different approach this time. It's something not even the most biased of juries can ignore."

Fai snorted, laying his head on his knees. "Yeah, right."

XxXxXxX

Fai adjusted his tie shakily, his hands trembling as he was lead up to the courtroom. He followed Ohjiro, sitting anxiously beside him, keeping his head down. And then… the side doors opened… and in waltzed his father, dressed impeccably, save for the handcuffs. He gave a nasty smirk as Fai turned his eyes to him, "How nice to see you," Ashura drawled as the cuffs were unlocked. The bailiff walked off to the side of the room, waiting for court to begin. It was still over twenty minutes until the start of the trial.

Gone. Gone were all the years recuperating, all the doctors' prying into his brain to give him some ounce of security… Gone. The lingering safety he felt in the warmth of Kurogane's arms. It all fell from him in one shattering glance, disappearing from his skin, dissipating in the air, freezing under the icy stare of his father. "…Stop," he squeaked.

Ashura leaned over, smiling warmly; "I missed you, son. You could have at least written."

Fai shook his head, holding onto the last bits of sanity. He shook terribly. He'd forgotten—how had he managed to forget how horrible this feeling was? How could he forget the way Ashura's eyes made him want to cry and laugh at the same time; how his father's smile made him want to be young again, but die at the same time? How had he become so careless to actually love this man? "I… I didn't… wa…" his voice trembled and cracked.

Ohjiro looked alarmed, his eyes darting between Fai and Ashura; "Excuse me, but aren't you violating the terms of your imprisonment?" he snapped, placing a hand on Fai's shoulder. The blonde shook it off, chewing his lip heavily.

"No, not really," Ashura drawled, "It wasn't my side who said I couldn't see my son—it was yours who said _he_ couldn't see _me_. But if you have a question, you can refer it to my lawyer." He tipped his head across the aisle. Ohjiro seethed. The man smiled softly, leaning forward to wrap his arms around Fai; "My little Yuui…"

And everything fell. The years fell out of his mind, even the memories of Kurogane, which had been keeping him anchored with their sorrow and love, crashed around him. It was like nothing had ever happened. Fai grew slack in his chair, his eyes black as he leaned into his father, weakly grasping the man's shirt, "Fa…ther…"

Ashura smiled, gently kissing his son's cheek. "I missed you," he admonished softly. Yuui nodded quietly, "I'm sorry."

The man reached out to ruffle the boy's hair. "Oh, now it's not your fault at all." He pulled back, tenderly pulling his son's hands from his jacket. He held them tightly before letting go; "You will think of us being a family again, won't you, Yuui?"

Yuui nodded blankly. Ohjiro, however, had different ideas. He flung his arm out protectively in front of Fai, his face dangerous; "Step away from my client," he hissed, "Before I have you arrested again for molesting a minor along with child abuse."

Ashura stepped back, hands raised in surrender, chuckling; "I don't see the harm in hugging my own child, but… I'll do as you say… _for now._"

Something deep within him recognized that his father wasn't going to give up… but that part was almost dead with fear. His mind smothered himself, reverting back to childhood to protect himself because he knew… He knew…

It was done. Gone; everything was taken from him now. The game was over before it was even played.

XxXxXxX

His fingers trembled as he tried to undo his tie; they slipped against the fabric, and he gave a groan of frustration. He knocked his head against the wall once, then tried again, this time succeeding in freeing himself from the awful garment. He slid down the wall, head in his hands, shaking. And then the tears came.

He didn't want to be here—he wanted to be back home in Koryo, safe with Kurogane.

He gave a bitter laugh: the places he could ever call home were the places he could never return. This city wasn't home to him; it was a prison. The only place he wanted to return to would welcome him with a sneer and a door to the face.

How could that have happened? He'd been careful… he'd been so careful not to let it show, not to let his past leak out, not to show the elder teen how desperately he loved him. Any of those things could scare him away—something did. He recognized the emotions on Kurogane's face that night. They were the same conflicting emotions he had.

Even as he slid deeper into insanity, he was careful, diligent, to keep his façade up. He couldn't show that weakness to Kurogane—the man would leave him then. He always smiled, he always laughed until it became too much…

The crushing weight of guilt and fear and sorrow killed him slowly, eating him inside. He could feel it, the sludge that wormed its way into his blood, through his body, eroding his mind, his heart, his body…

Kurogane had been his only anchor, but he too, had been drifting. He'd seen his own fear mirrored in the elder's eyes, holding them both in the past. Something was holding Kurogane back.

He shuddered; it didn't matter now. Nothing mattered now.

God, he wished it would all just go away.

XxXxXxX

"Whether the evidence puts him at the scene or no, the defense has something that trumps the evidence," Ohjiro argued, turning from the judge to face Ashura, "My client clearly places him at the scene of the murder!"

"I don't deny being at the scene," Ashura commented dryly, folding his long fingers together. "I never have."

"You'll admit to being there, but not to killing your wife?"

"Yes, you are correct: I did not kill my wife."

"So you're denying, that, in a fit of inebriated anger, you pulled a knife on your wife, Freya?"

"Objection!" Ashura's lawyer, a thoroughly unpleasant man named Fei-Wang called.

"On what grounds?" Ohjiro snapped.

"Leading the witness."

"Rephrase, Mihara-san," the judge advised.

Ohjiro smirked nastily, "You deny your wife's murder?"

Ashura sighed, shaking his head, "No comment."

"You have to answer the question," Ohjiro said, not all too kindly.

Fai leaned forward; this was something new. "But she's dead," he whispered quietly.

"I ask again, do you deny your wife's murder, by your hand or otherwise?"

"It wasn't a murder," Ashura whispered, "She wanted to die."

The calm of the court was ended with an explosive bang as Fai stood from the bench, knocking down the table as he rose. The water jug followed the table to the floor, the room echoing with the strains of shattering glass.

"_Bullshit_!" he screamed, pointing at his father, "That's utter bullshit!"

"Fai!" Ohjiro admonished, grabbing Fai as he rushed forward shouting obscenities at his father.

The judge banged his gavel once, "Mihara, I advise you keep your client under control before I put you in contempt. Fifteen minute recess."

XxXxXxX

It was a struggle to stay coherent. His arms ached, his head throbbed, and his muscles were tense from trembling.

"Fai?" Ohjiro called, gently shaking the boy. Fai flinched away from his hand, shaking his head, "I don't want to do this anymore," he moaned. "I can't do it."

Ohjiro sighed, kneeling in front of Fai, "We need you up on the stand Fai. It's the only way to nail him. If we nail him, there's a chance we can get to the bottom of this entire mess."

Fai trembled, shaking, "I'm tired of it! The security, the fake names, fake stories, fake parents, constant moving, redoing it all! I don't want it anymore!"

"Fai, you do realize that even though your father—"

"I don't care about his stupid friends; he's the only one who can hurt me, and he's going to get out," Fai snapped, "Just let him get me. Let me go back to Koryo and let him find me and kill me there. Get some other person to testify about the other shit."

"Yuui," Ohjiro whispered solemnly, "We need _you_ for this. It's our job to keep you safe; I can let you stay in Koryo for about another year or so, but… after that I can't guarantee your safety. Hell, I can't guarantee your safety for even a year."

"I don't want to be safe! I want to be happy! I don't want to be another person, I don't want to lie anymore," he begged, "I want to tell people who I am, I want to get help for real; I want to become strong on my own."

Ohjiro sighed, standing slowly. "I'm going to see if I can talk the judge into adjourning for today."

Fai watched the man go before curling in upon himself; he knew he was fighting a losing battle, but he hadn't realized that he was fighting on so many fronts.

He sighed, staring at his hands. If he'd been able to tell Kurogane about it all, would the man feel any differently? Would he be back home instead of here?

He sighed… No, ultimately, it wouldn't have changed a thing.

He wanted to leave this place. He couldn't stand the pain anymore. He wanted to leave.

XxXxXxX

Three days afterwards, the ruling was passed—Ashura was out on probation. Ohjiro was immersed in laws and loopholes, desperately trying for an appeal. It had been easy for Fai to slip away from his security and out of the hotel.

He'd not been back 'home' since he was eight. It was late March now, chilly and dismal, the low, gray sky threatening sleet as schools broached spring break. It fit his mood. He wrapped his jacket tighter around his body, shivering quietly. He kept his hood up and his head down so no one would recognize him. His family was infamous in Celes, and he didn't want to get caught up in anything.

"Hey."

Fai turned slowly, transfixed on the spot. He swallowed heavily, his mouth going dry. "You're not supposed to be within a mile of me," he whispered through the window of the shiny black Mercedes.

"You're not supposed to be out on the streets," his father said with a shrug. "Get in, I'll take you back to your hotel."

Half of his body screamed at him to run while the other half obeyed his father. He'd been trained well. "Just…"

"Hm?" His father peered at him over the rims of his sunglasses, rolling up the darkly-tinted window on the passenger's side door as Fai strapped himself in. He reached out as he drove forward, patting the blonde on the leg. "You never were good with words, Yuui; music was more your thing, wasn't it?"

Fai swallowed, trembling, "Yeah… I… I started a band."

Ashura looked at him in interest, "Oh, really? That's good for you," he praised, stopping smoothly for the signal.

"And I have a boyfriend," he lied, his throat closing around the words. His hands were shaking terribly. His hands were on him. Moving higher, closer… Ugly, nasty feeling… he didn't want to be touched, but his hands were on him, and he couldn't move to get them off.

"Mm-hmm," Ashura hummed imperturbably, "I'm sure he's a nice person; very kind to care for you… That or he's a complete moron," he commented, much like one would remark on the weather, giving Fai a quick squeeze.

Fai almost gagged and sobbed at the same time. He sucked in a deep breath to steady himself; "He's a big guy, real jealous too. He's _so _overprotective," he mumbled, trying to keep himself calm.

Ashura sneered at him, "As if; I can always tell when you're lying, Yuui. There's no one who could love you but myself."

Tears fell heavy and thick down Fai's face, his teeth cutting deep into his lip as the abuse continued.

He wondered what would happen if the world stopped turning.

He wondered what would happen if he threw himself out of the car.

He wondered what would happen if Kurogane was here now.

He wondered what it would be like to die.

XxXxXxX

Fai stumbled back into his hotel room, dazed, depressed, and sick. He barely made it to the bathroom before becoming violently ill. In the end, he was so sick that Ohjiro had to put off returning to Koryo for another day.

He curled underneath the covers, shivering, trying to recall the memories of the fleeting warmth he had with Kurogane.

He wanted someone to take him away from this place. He wanted someone to take it all away.

XxXxXxX

"Please don't do anything drastic," Ohjiro begged as Fai exited the car.

Fai looked over his shoulder, flashing his lawyer the grin that Kurogane hated so much. "I'm fine," he promised, "I'm back home." He shut the car door as the first few raindrops fell to the ground.

He turned his back on the car, slowly climbing the rickety steps to his flat, his grin sliding from his face.

He was stupid to think that he had a chance at love.

He was an idiot to think that just because someone promised something, they meant it.

It would be better if he was gone.

It would be easier if he was gone.

If he was gone, he wouldn't have to worry about things like love.

He slowly unlocked his door, moving through his apartment in an almost trance-like state. He went to his bed, unslept in since the night Kurogane came over. He sat down, and riffled through his bag until he found his knife.

He was so tired.

His body ached, dragged, and lagged—like it wasn't even his anymore. His heart hurt, throbbing softly with every second he spent without him.

He needed to take it all away. He couldn't live like this anymore. He shrugged off his jacket, and opened the knife.

The first cut was the hardest, as it brought memories with it, but he continued—push in, drag down, pull out, push in, drag down, pull out... Soon, he was caught in the wave of crimson that would finally take him away from this place.

The room fuzzed away as his eyes slid shut. Tears fell down his face to join the steadily growing pool of blood beneath his body. In a way, he thought, he'd died to protect him. This way, it was assured that he could be happy.

His breath hitched, and he clenched his fists, feeling blood spurt from his arteries, panic passing through him.

He didn't want him to be happy without him. A jagged sob issued from his lips, and he fought, but his body was no longer his own. The door opened.

"_Call an ambulance, dammit!" _

"_All that blood…" _

"_Fai-san?! Can you hear us?" _

"_Fai, please! Wake up!" _

"_Sakura, go get Kurogane, tell him what happened."_

"_No! Why do you think he did it in the first place!?" _

"_Sakura, you heard me, go get him!" _

"_I said no, Watanuki!" _

"_Listen to me! Kurogane's the only person who can make him want to live! You can't do that!"_

Then the blackness consumed him whole.


	21. Lesson Ten: The Unshakable Truth

**A/N:** _The line is actually from Fruits Basket; a friend of mine (who I converted to a KuroFai fan recently) asked me to put Shigure's line in a KuroFai story. At first I though: Oh sure—Fai can say it. However, I think it's more poignant from Kurogane. I've tried very hard to keep him in character with it, though, because normally, it's just not something he would say (even though he is a closet romantic) Though I'm not sure if I've quoted it right, because I don't have that volume, and I don't feel like trolling through the internet to find it... But the general gist is there. Mm, this seems to be a trend—all of my major projects seem to have love scenes in hospitals! Gothix in particular has about two or three of them… Maybe I've just watched too much House? _

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson Ten:** _The Unshakable Truth_

"Idiot!" Kurogane growled, banging his fist against the steering wheel. It felt like they were hitting all the stoplights from his apartment to the hospital. "Goddamn fucking stupid idiot!"

Sakura looked icily over at Kurogane, "You have the vocabulary of a drunken four year-old."

"I don't think this is a time for your prejudices, Kinomoto," Kurogane snarled, pressing his foot down on the gas the second the light turned green. He sped through the rain-slicked streets, his windshield-wipers moving at full force.

He struggled to stay calm; he had to keep it together. But what would he do if Fai _died_? He didn't think he could take it. Not after the week he'd just had. No… he _needed _Fai, he had to be with him. The idiot couldn't die just like that! Not now!

"They're not prejudices," Sakura snapped, "You've killed before, so why stop? If he dies, it's _your_ fault, you know."

"I know!" Kurogane shouted, gripping the steering wheel tightly as he turned onto the parkway that led to the hospital, "I know! Don't make me feel worse about it! He told me he couldn't live without me, and look what I did."

It had to be his fault—there were no other options, it was just his fault. This was one thing he couldn't push off on somebody else. But, it would be okay, wouldn't it? Because Fai wouldn't just die on them like that…

_What if he dies?_ A small voice kept at it, asking and asking.

"Then I don't know what to do."

**XxXxXxX**

_Could you dream in death? The old dream again, finding himself on the ground, bleeding. Was he watching his death? _

"_You must live." _

_No… it was a dream. _

_So… he was alive?_

"_You __**must**__ live." _

**XxXxXxX**

There was no peace of mind, even once at the hospital.

"We have to reconstruct the arteries and veins in his arms," a doctor explained patiently, "It's a painstaking process, especially after the amount of damage he underwent. But we think he's out of the woods now, so you don't have to worry. We'll come get you when he wakes from the operation."

And so they waited, waited, and waited. No one said a word. No one even moved.

The hours passed in strained silence and anxious glares; the tension was palatable. No one in the OR waiting room dared to bother the four teenagers in black and tears. The storm ebbed and flowed, thunder growing louder and louder, but as the night grew deeper, it subsided to a soft rain, washing away everything.

Finally a doctor emerged in the twilight of the storm, "He's awake."

All four stood, then froze, staring at each other hesitantly. The silence was not broken; for three of the four, there was an unspoken agreement in something deep. Shaoran and Watanuki sat back down, nodding at Kurogane to go forward. Sakura, however, did not back down.

"You think you're going to dare see him?!" Sakura hissed, her voice low and dangerous. "_You _did this! I can't stand to see you hurt my friend any longer!"

"I'm going to see him, no matter what you say. You're irrational. I forgive you; I care for him too."

Sakura's eyes blazed as she mouthed Kurogane's words, "Irrational!? I swore I'd never let anyone close to me die anymore! That I'd not let them be hurt as long as it was in my power to protect them! We're the same! He doesn't _need_ you! He needs someone who can understand what it's like to lose—"

"Sakura-chan," Watanuki murmured, laying a hand on the girl's shoulder, "Let him go; we can wait a little longer," he soothed.

"But!"

"Remember the conversation we had earlier," he said stonily. "And you and I need to have a talk, Sakura-chan."

Kurogane brushed past the two, nodding to the doctor, "I'll get them later. Take me to him, _now_."

**XxXxXxX**

It was still here. He was still here. The ugly feelings hadn't vanished, they hadn't abated—they grew. His arms throbbed where wires and gauze held them together. Monitors beeped, signaling his consciousness and his return to this godforsaken world.

He didn't want to be here, here where the sterilized scent of death taunted him, here where it was so similar to where he was held all those months behind barred windows and locked doors, here… where he was so far away from his goals. He didn't want to live.

Ragged sobs burst from his chest, and he dug his nails into his scalp as he silently screamed. He didn't want it, didn't want it. He breathed deep as a shrill alarm screamed out from a monitor. One of the nurses assigned to his room peeked in, then left on seeing him whole and not unplugging anything. He was watched here, like an animal. 'Suicide watch', they called it; it was just an excuse to gawk at the poor fools whose lives were miserable and unlucky—the poor fools who couldn't even muster up enough luck to actually goddamn _die_.

He swung his legs over the side of the bed, standing shakily, using his IV for support. His legs barely supported his weight, and the room spun around his head. He shuffled to the window, settling down on the windowsill bench, watching the rain track down the cold glass.

He'd been _so_ close. He'd wanted _so_ badly to die—why didn't he? He closed his eyes, leaning against the window… he was _so_ tired…

**XxXxXxX**

_Black. Deadly black, swallowing him whole. Pain, pain so painful that it was nearly euphoric. Something slowly leaving his body, gently as a breath. Black smoke, black touch, black sun. _

_Take it away, take it away, I don't want to live anymore. _

_Black swallows everything, black trumps all, floating inside of it, taking everything away. _

_Footsteps. Running footsteps. Harsh sounds against the black silence, against the black heart. Ringing through the thick air, cutting through the black like white. _

_Soft hands on his face, stroking his face, sliding through his hair, tracing his lips. So familiar—the touch speared through the black, bringing white; it cut through the dark and brought the light. _

"_Fai…wake up, please…" _

He had to obey; he had to leave the blackness behind. He struggled to consciousness, opening his heavy eyes blearily. He had to, the voice was so tired and pain stricken—he must put them at ease, else his own heart might break. He blinked once, but his eyes wouldn't open again—he was so, so tired; "…Tired…"

"What are you doing there? You'll freeze up against a goddamn window in a freaking hospital gown and shorts."

A smile fell onto Fai's lips, stretching slowly across his face. That voice was so comforting; what he'd do to listen to it for forever! There came a disgruntled sigh, then a rustle of cloth as the man bent over. Fai hummed quietly, snuggling deep into the familiar grasp as he was lifted from the bench. He was cradled in one arm—he assumed the other was busy pulling along his IV—and carried to his bed, where he was laid as gently as possible.

"Sleep a little longer, Fai. It's okay."

The boy happily complied.

As he slept, he heard voices, all familiar. A soft, caring tone; a gentle, yet angry girl; a short, but concerned cadence; and the one voice that dominated them all. He didn't hear the words or meanings, just the voices; they lulled him to and from disoriented, pain-filled dreams. Every now and again, he felt something wet drip onto his face and pressure on his hands. The meanings to these things eluded him, but they were cause for comfort. A cause to wander to the light.

Finally, words began to make sense again, dreams faded away, and the fuzz lifted from his mind. He awoke again, more thoroughly, less exhaustedly. He sat slowly, reaching up to rub the sleep from his eyes, only to find that only one hand was free to do so. He looked down to find his hand enclosed in another, one larger than his own, darker too.

His eyes traveled slowly to the body the hand was attached to, his heart throbbing painfully at the sight of his ex-boyfriend. "Oh, _why_?" he whispered. He slowly and reluctantly tugged his hand away, his arm throbbing at the movement, causing Kurogane to bolt awake.

"Get out," Fai murmured, fixing his best cold face. He didn't want to deal with this pain now; no, not now, not ever.

"Fai, I—"

"Don't want to hear it, get out," the boy mumbled, fumbling for the call button. Kurogane grabbed his hand, squeezing it. Pain lanced through his arm, and he yelped softly, "Let go! You're hurting me!" he whimpered, "Just leave me alone!"

Kurogane let go of Fai, looking like he'd been electrocuted. Fai held his hand to his chest, seemingly nursing the wound.

Fai dropped his head, his bangs hiding his eyes. Tears had begun to form, sending the room into wavering clarity. He didn't want Kurogane to see him cry again. God, what he'd give for it to have worked! Blackness was consuming him whole again—he could feel it bubbling in his veins, threatening to drag him under… and he'd gladly let it.

Kurogane watched in dismay as Fai dimmed and faded before his very eyes—the boy was hunched, his shoulders shaking with unshed, silent tears. He wondered what had been so horrible that made Fai abandon life like this; what had he done to help it? Oh, dear god, what hadhe done? He was so young—he was only sixteen—yet, he'd seen life and taken it. How could he, the one who'd taken a life, tell someone to live it? How could he tell Fai to live life to the fullest when he'd never done it himself?

Compared to himself, Fai was painfully young. He was so small, so fragile. He had to protect him. He had to hold him. He had to. In that moment, there was no choice for insecurities or doubt. Any question would kill. He had to do this; and this time, he knew it was the right thing, not some deluded hope to shirk responsibility. The second he'd taken Fai's hand, he'd made a promise to keep the boy safe, even though he was unaware of the repercussions.

He reached out, his fingers sliding gently against Fai's damp jaw, tipping the boy's face up to his own. He leaned down to kiss the blonde gently and chastely. He pulled away, searching the hopeless and confused blue eyes, resolving to never see them that shade of despair ever again. "Fai, I'm here—you're not alone anymore."

"Your promises sound like lies," Fai whispered bitterly, turning away. Kurogane pulled him back to him, shaking his head; "What I swore to you never changed—I _will_ protect you."

"How dare you!? Even after you—"

Kurogane leaned forward, effectively shutting off any further arguments with his own lips. "Fai," he murmured, pulling back slowly, "Listen to me… I was _stupid_. I made myself think that being with you was bad for you—dangerous. There were times where I was so close to hitting you— and I… I was scared because I was seeing you fall apart, and I had no idea why; I thought it was my fault that it happened, that I couldn't help… you see, I can't say no to you," Kurogane confessed, brutally honest. He knew that there would be a day that he would fervently deny this conversation, but it had to be done. There were pretty lies and there were pretty words—and he hated them both; but there came a time when the truth was pretty damn beautiful and the truth always needed to be said, no matter how much one held clichés and romance in distaste. "So… that said, if you still want me to leave, if you ask me again, I will… and, if you ask me to never come back, I won't."

Fai trembled, his breath hitching dangerously close to hyperventilation. This was too much; the words were too kind, Kurogane's kisses were too loving… it was all so deceitfully beautiful. He wanted this lie so badly… "But you said… you wouldn't waste breath to lie…" Such a _beautiful_ lie… Such a kind lie… but surely it would be infinitely kinder to leave him be, to leave him to die…

"Because by saying that I cared was a lie, I'd be lying to you! …Fai, there's never a moment where I don't think, 'he's so cute' or 'I wish I could hold him now'; I'd have never fucking bothered with you if I didn't want you!"

"Then why…?"

"I was stupid!" Kurogane snapped, running his hands through his hair. Fai watched anxiously, chewing his lip. He was silent for a long time before mumbling; "You're doing that thing…" He pointed to Kurogane with a shaking hand.

"You are too," Kurogane observed, "You should stop before you hurt yourself."

"Kurogane, you lied to me," the blonde sighed, letting his hands drop into his lap.

"Yes, yes I did, but not about what you think," Kurogane mumbled desperately, sensing an end to his pleas. The signs were never good when Fai deviated from the cutesy nicknames.

Fai looked at him solemnly, "Then tell me the truth."

Kurogane leaned forward, pulling Fai to his chest, holding the boy as tightly as he could without hurting him; "I care about you, and that is the honest, unshakable truth," he whispered, burying his face into Fai's hair. He could face heating, and his heart seemed to stop beating as he awaited Fai's reply.

The boy shook heavily, and the sophomore could feel tears beginning to drip down his neck and into the fabric of his shirt. "Then, dammit, I shouldn't have done that!" Fai moaned, "I shouldn't've gone and done that!" He latched onto the elder boy, sobbing heavily. The elder took this to mean that he was forgiven.

Kurogane climbed onto the bed, Fai cradled deep in his arms; "Shh, it's alright."

Fai pulled away looking at Kurogane with wavering eyes, "You know damn well it's not," he said hotly, leaning forward to press his mouth desperately to his boyfriend's. A long minute later, he pulled away, cheeks pink and lips swollen, then smiled warmly. It was a small little smile, but it was one that sent tingles and fire through Kurogane's body, so he pulled the slighter teen to him and kissed him again, "But it will be," he promised Fai.

**XxXxXxX**

"You missed your own EP party," Sakura said tersely, tossing a small package at Fai. It landed in his lap, where he studied it for a brief moment before turning his eyes back to his ex-girlfriend.

"Why are you so… I don't know, witchy? I'm okay, so… You can chill."

"She's upset you got back with lover boy," Shaoran said, bored, from the back of the room, eyes and fingers glued to a PSP.

"Ah, well, it's a good thing you're my ex and not my mother," Fai said dryly, casting his eyes to the door, desperately hoping that Kurogane would suddenly pop back in from the cafeteria. He'd been gone for a bit now—almost fifteen minutes, but that was a long time to be alone with Sakura when she was on the warpath.

"Fai, what if he does it again? You almost died the first time—"

"I'd thank you not to blame my lack of common sense on Kuro-sama," Fai said icily, fiddling with his sheets, "You don't know why I did it, nor will I tell you."

"I know why you did it! You were dumped; you had to go see your father! Then you get back together with a murderer!"

Three things happened at once, Sakura whipped her hands to her mouth, Fai half-bolted out of bed, and Kurogane loudly slammed the door shut.

Shaoran stood, pocketing his game; he walked over to Sakura, and laid a hand on her shoulder, "Oi. I understand maternal instincts, but you've gone to far this time. C'mon, I'll take you to Clow and Yuuko—apparently Watanuki's talk didn't help you at all. Maybe _they_ can talk sense into your head."

He led her from the room, meeting Kurogane's murderous glare with one of his own. "Back down, lover boy," Shaoran said calmly.

"Let them pass, Kuro-sama," Fai said weakly, "Just, wherever you heard about my father… tell them to keep it quiet. We… we'll talk later."

"We don't know anything except that your father's in jail, Fai," Shaoran promised, "We don't even know what for."

Kurogane stepped aside. The door clicked behind Shaoran and Sakura, who was crying softly now.

The two stared at each other; Fai was the first to turn away. "It seems… we've not been completely honest with each other."

"No… it doesn't." Kurogane made his way to Fai's beside, sitting down heavily.

"You first," Fai urged.

Kurogane sighed, taking Fai's hand, tracing the lines of his knuckles slowly. He turned it over, palm side up, gently massaging the flesh as he spoke; "When I was ten, I came home from school to find the house dark. I wandered in, thinking it was a game or something, and this guy grabs me, and pins me to the wall with a knife. He turns on the lights and makes me watch him kill my parents. I went to court, and he got away because I froze up on the line-up and couldn't ID him. I tracked him down a year later and killed him in an alley a couple of towns over. I don't know why, but I wasn't convicted, even though I confessed point blank—I was proud of killing the fucker. Yuuko did some weird thing with the jury, and they said that I had a solid alibi that night and I was deluding myself and that 'it was only natural to be happy the suspect of my parent's killer was dead'—oh, yeah, she used to be a lawyer before she became the principal. She quit right after my case too, saying something about 'she was only there to help those children'—it was weird… but I got put on probation and oddly enough, Clow was my probation officer. I just got off a year or so ago, actually. What's weird was, I don't remember Clow ever being an officer before that—just a private detective. But I didn't know them well, so…" Kurogane's voice trailed off and he shrugged. He'd remained steady through the entire story, but about halfway through, he'd grabbed Fai's hand hard, and held on for dear life. Fai could tell he was dismayed.

He reached up, caressing Kurogane's cheek, "You're so strong," he whispered; "I feel so safe." His voice cracked, and Kurogane shook himself out of his reverie to lean down and kiss the blonde.

"You're so weird; only you'd feel safe after that."

"I know my Kuro-sama will protect me no matter what."

"You're a moron," the sophomore said thickly, "So… what's your deal?" Fai winced at the small glittering tears that rimmed the elder's eyes. He reached out, brushing them softly away, "Kuro-sama, come here," he murmured, pulling the elder down.

Kurogane laid down next to Fai, enveloping the blonde in his arms. Fai cuddled close, whispering soft assurances in his ear, kissing him gently.

The blonde was so sweet, and so adept at distracting him that Kurogane never once realized that Fai had never even answered his question.


	22. Exam Four: The One to Take Him Away

**A/N: **_**OMG, finally**, is what you will be thinking by the end of this chapter. No, the story's not over, but I think I've topped the fluff of last chapter—so those of you who proclaimed the last chapter as your favorite, this one might be a valid contender for the spot. So far, it's __**my**__ favorite; I like the insight to their relationship. Though, I do think they let their hormones get the better of them… (I feel shameless for **letting** them continue on like that.) Song is "Comatose" by Skillet (Even though their sound is really something I planned for a certain person in the future of a certain story…*hint, hint; nudge, nudge; cookies to those who can guess whooooo*) _

* * *

**Gothix, Exam Four: **_The One to Take Him Away_

"_I hate living without you_

_Dead wrong to ever doubt you, _

_But my demons lay in waiting_

_Tempting me away! _

_Oh, how I adore you, _

_Oh, how I thirst for you, _

_Oh, how I need you!_

_Comatose, I'll never wake up without an _

_Overdose of you—_

_I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe!_

'_Less I feel you next to me; _

_You take the pain I feel;_

_Waking up to you never felt so real—_

_I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream!_

'_Cause my dreams don't comfort me; _

_The way you make me feel; _

_Waking up to you never felt so real—_

_Breathing life_

_Waking up_

_My eyes_

_Open up…" _

Kurogane folded his arms across his chest as he leaned against the wall, his face heating up. Fai was staring at him straight through the crowd; or at least, it seemed like he was—Kurogane wasn't sure if Fai could actually _see _him. Neither removed their eyes from the other the entire song—and the way Fai's ice-blue eyes were blazingly fixed upon the place he had earlier situated Kurogane, it was easy for the elder to tell that the song was meant for him.

It had been such a long time since he'd seen Fai this alive—though, under the stage, behind the microphone, the blonde seemed paler, and even smaller than ever. Despite all appearances, however, Fai demanded a presence far larger than his delicate stature. Kurogane had forgotten what power the boy could commandeer with a single note of a song; it had been so long since he'd heard the boy sing… In fact, this was the first time he'd actually seen the Gothix perform live since December, and then, it had only been an acoustic set. Just watching Fai belt out the song while expertly fretting his guitar was a major turn-on; he didn't even have to do anything suggestive—his mere existence was enough.

But then, Kurogane reasoned, he was just biased towards Fai in general. As the last note of the song died, Fai flashed a brilliant smile in Kurogane's direction before turning his attention back to his neglected crowd, who was cheering wildly for the new song.

"It's been awhile since I've seen that," Kurogane muttered in approval, nodding. He'd missed seeing Fai smile, not matter how much he'd deny it if the boy ever asked. Yes, he was cute enough (and by cute, he meant enough to make him start chasing off the random girls who followed the clueless blonde) brooding, but smiling, he was dead sexy.

It had been two weeks since Fai had been released from the hospital; the first week had been so full of confusion and make-up work from school that he'd not had much time to do anything but try to catch up in geometry and social studies. The second week, however, was spring break for the students of Koryo High, and Fai was greeted with months of new information to process.

Little things amazed him—like the fact that Kurogane had decided not to continue basketball his junior year, or that he had continued to learn and practice guitar even though Fai often hadn't been lucid enough to teach after New Years; Kurogane was met with similar waves of surprise as well. For instance, he'd have never guessed that Fai was a natural at math, or that he was a good cook when coherent. It was like the blonde musician really had woken up from a prolonged dream.

Not to say that everything had changed; Fai was still prone to fits if he was touched, and he zoned out at least once a day, but he was getting better, slowly.

A rare smile passed across Kurogane's face in the back of the club—he'd never realized how much he missed Fai until he realized how much of Fai he'd been missing. It was an interesting feeling, one that he intended to act upon.

**XxXxXxX**

He found Fai chatting backstage; "Oi."

Fai looked over his shoulder, his face brightening. He quickly waved goodbye to the sound techie he was talking to, opting to throw his arms around his boyfriend and hum loudly instead of sticking to a normal greeting.

"Get off me," Kurogane complained as Fai nuzzled him affectionately, like an oversized cat; "I said—"

"Kuro-chuu!" he sang, pecking the elder teen gently, "Guess _what_?"

"What?"

"I saw you blushing!" Fai giggled, reaching up to tweak the sophomore's nose.

Kurogane growled, poking the blonde in the side, "Retard," he said fondly, "The lights must've been in your eyes."

"You _liked_ my song!"

Kurogane reached out and hauled Fai into his arms, carrying him fireman style across his shoulder. He took a moment to appreciate and worry about how light Fai was; it was like lifting feathers. He worried because the vocalist had definitely lost weight in the months prior, and was finally putting some back on; he appreciated it because, otherwise, it would make picking Fai up a lot more difficult, and he liked the feel of the teen in his arms.

For a brief second, Fai's eyes glazed in familiar terror, but he shook it off, burying his face in Kurogane's shoulder. "Ne, ne, let me down!" he giggled, giving the boy a backwards, upside-down, huggle.

"Eh," Kurogane grunted, moving to pick up Fai's guitar. "Only if you promise to be quiet."

Fai paused, seeming to think about it, sliding his hands down his boyfriend's back absently. Kurogane felt a shiver travel down his spine to settle underneath Fai's thin fingers which were tracing the outline of the top of his pants. He promptly dumped Fai—albeit gently—into a nearby chair before anything else progressed. The blonde pouted up at him; Kurogane rolled his eyes, holding out his hand, "C'mon. Let's go home. I think that show you like so much is on tonight. We'll stay up late before going back to school and overload on coffee tomorrow morning—we'll be caffeine-fueled zombies together," he offered shyly.

"Is it a date?" the blonde asked shyly, blinking up at Kurogane through long eyelashes.

"Yeah, it'll be a date for sure."

Fai smiled a soft smile that made sparks roll across the sophomore's skin, reaching up to gently slip his hand into Kurogane's, lacing their fingers together. Kurogane squeezed the boy's hand sweetly, unafraid to hold onto it this time. He would never let this be lost.

**XxXxXxX**

Fai shifted to the side, just a little. He smiled quietly, feeling Kurogane's arm tighten around his waist. He craned his neck to the side, stealing a glance at his boyfriend, his smile widening slightly.

They were both laid out on the sofa in Kurogane's apartment, a marathon of "The Twilight Zone" playing in the background. Fai was on his stomach, tilted slightly to the side, pillows piled under his chest and under his cheek. Kurogane lay on top of him, his head nestled in the slight dip between Fai's shoulder blades. One arm was wrapped comfortably around Fai's stomach; the other was nestled against the blonde's side, his hand curled into the teen's hair. Cold popcorn and empty soda bottles adorned the coffee table next to the wrap-around sofa; a comforter had been draped around them, helping insulate the pajama-bottoms-only clad bodies.

Fai reached down and laid his hand over Kurogane's, amused at how docile the older teen was when sleeping. It was incredibly endearing, really. Kurogane's chest vibrated against his lower back as he gave a light snore, Fai giggling silently. The sophomore was so different at home: actually, he was completely different around Fai in general. Normally, he was coarse and rude, his anger indifferent to its target. He had no qualms of resorting to violence, and generally threw civility out the window. However, this wasn't the case around the blonde freshman. Fai nuzzled into Kurogane's hand, blinking against sleepiness. No, the kendo-member was an odd sort of shy around his boyfriend. To anyone else, it would seem as if Kurogane was still as crude as ever, but his tone was always softer with Fai; once they were home, he would act with an awkward tenderness. He'd _always_ been so much nicer to Fai. Yes, there had been that _one_ exception—but it was done with him in mind; and they'd made up nicely. One bump in the road _wasn't_ going to deter Fai now.

The blonde chuckled softly, stretching slightly. Kurogane tightened his arm, then loosened it, giving a soft grunt. He sat up on his heels, staring down at Fai. "Oi, I didn't crush you did I?" he asked sleepily.

Fai grinned, rolling onto his back, "No."

"What were you laughing at?"

Fai opened his arms, looping them around Kurogane's neck, "You. Come back here," he purred, pulling himself up to kiss his boyfriend gently.

Kurogane rolled his eyes, complying with Fai's lips, deepening the playful peck. Fai reluctantly pulled away, nestling back down into the pillows, eyeing his half-naked boyfriend. "Please?" Fai called.

"Whatever." It wasn't like he _could _say no anyway. Not to Fai… _especially _when he was laid out underneath him like that. Kurogane growled underneath his breath—he needed to keep himself _in_ _control_. He knew it would be hard, especially after Fai had wandered in shirtless after his shower, stripping Kurogane of his own shirt before laying himself out on the sofa, practically begging the sophomore to try _something. _

Kurogane laid back down, his head on Fai's chest. He closed his eyes, and drifted back to sleep. Fai hummed softly, sliding his fingers through Kurogane's hair, looping the short locks underneath his fingers. He was always surprised by just how soft it was, having first expected his hairstyle to be gelled or something like that. But no, he'd seen Kurogane get ready in the morning enough to know that it just stood up like that. It was cute.

He twirled one of the longer pieces around his finger, sighing wistfully. He stared down at Kurogane's face; for once the ever-present scowl wasn't there. Without it, the teenager looked younger, more vulnerable… It was odd, but very attractive. He'd never managed to stay awake long enough to see Kurogane sleep. Fai blinked, waves of foreign emotions crashing over him. He cupped his hand, pressing his boyfriend close, shaking. It had been welling up for so long; it longed to break free from his heart, the dams he created were leaking rivulets that were quickly becoming rivers.

Slowly, he put names to what he was feeling. He bit his lip, leaning his head down, pressing it to Kurogane's.

He loved him so much… so deeply, that he would sacrifice the world for him…

He wanted nothing more than for Kurogane to be happy, healthy, and safe. Tremors overtook his body, and he tried hard to still them so that he'd not awake the teen on top of him. Oh, how he wished he wasn't so broken—maybe then he could get his wish… but…

He couldn't do that. The thing he wanted most in the world… _he couldn't do_. He'd give anything to be the one that could fulfill this wish… But in the end, he would bring Kurogane nothing but sorrow… and danger. By just being in the same room, just by breathing the same air… Kurogane's chances of being murdered went up. By being with him as a boyfriend, as someone precious… if Ashura…were ever to find him (and find him he would!)… Kurogane was as good as dead.

Tears filled Fai's eyes and streamed down his face. He shook his head, trying to stem his tears. He tried not to lose himself again, not to let the terrors take his mind from him. It was so hard; it would be easy to let go, but he knew he couldn't. He didn't want to wake up Kurogane. He didn't want to worry him.

Kurogane sighed; feeling Fai shake below him worried him, but when he felt the tears drip one by one onto his face, he knew something was wrong. He cracked one eye open, staring straight into Fai's stricken face.

"What's wrong?"

"N-nothing… g-go back to sleep, Kuro-tan," Fai urged, wiping his eyes hastily.

Kurogane sat up, then straddled Fai. He grabbed the blonde's wrists, pulling them away from his face. Fai looked up at him, but then turned his head, ashamed. "No, look at me," he urged.

Fai shook his head. Kurogane rolled his eyes, relinquishing one wrist to pull Fai's face up to his. He searched his boyfriend's wide blue eyes, frowning. "Tell me what's wrong, Fai. Tell me, please," he urged.

"…I'm not safe."

Kurogane raised an eyebrow. "I'm not either."

"You'll die."

"Nah."

"But—"

Kurogane leaned down and crushed his mouth against Fai's, shoving his tongue deep into the blonde's mouth. Fai quivered underneath him, kissing him hungrily. He raised the hand that Kurogane had let go, using it to pull his boyfriend down.

Kurogane pulled away for need of a breath a few moments later, caressing Fai's face. "I have no fucking idea what shit you're spouting, but… I'm not that easily gotten rid of."

"Kuro-sama…" He leaned up again, kissing his boyfriend tenderly, lovingly. Kurogane gripped his chin, tipping his face up as he pressed his lips harder to Fai's. The two continued to kiss desperately, eagerly, passionately; it grew sloppier and sloppier, their tongues sliding against the other's, their teeth finding the other's lips, panting into each other's mouths.

Fai's free hand latched onto Kurogane's neck, pulling him deeper. Kurogane relinquished Fai's other hand to drag his own down the boy's torso while Fai dug his fingers into the elder's bicep.

Kurogane pressed Fai deep into the pillows, ravaging the blonde's mouth as his fingers deftly traced down Fai's chest to his nipples, rubbing the soft buds gently. Fai arched into the touch, moaning gently into his boyfriend's mouth. His head tipped back, breaking their kiss, Kurogane's mouth sliding easily from his mouth down to his neck. "Oh…"

Kurogane tweaked a nub, sending Fai moaning again. He relished the sounds the smaller teen was making; it pushed him into action, heavily arousing him. He gently bit Fai's neck, suckling the skin underneath his lips, rolling his fingers across the other teen's now hardened nipples.

Fai arched into the contact, wrapping his legs around Kurogane's hips to pull him closer.

Liquid fire pulsed down through Kurogane's body, settling into his lower stomach. But he was careful. His touch was light, gentle against Fai's body, his fingers kneading into his stomach as he moved to capture Fai's pink lips against his own. He was ready to stop at the command; it would be hard—he kissed Fai more desperately, his cock twitching against the younger's thigh— but he'd do it if Fai asked. But for now, he allowed himself to be caught into the feelings:

Fai's skin was smooth and taunt beneath his fingers, his muscles trembling expectantly against his fingers; Kurogane nipped at the boy's tongue, drawing it deep into his own mouth. They changed angles to kiss more deeply, Fai tangling his fingers into Kurogane's short hair, his heels digging into the backs of the elder's thighs as he pushed his body up against his boyfriend's.

Kurogane dragged his mouth away from Fai, trailing saliva between them. He gave a short, lusty chuckle as he watched Fai's mouth tremble expectantly for another kiss. The blonde whimpered softly as that was denied. Kurogane hooked his fingers into the band of the blonde's pants, listening to Fai gasp as he ran his mouth down the boy's torso.

He let his mouth rest against the center of Fai's chest, feeling the vocalist's heart race beneath his lips. He swept his tongue against the skin, trailing down the slight dip of Fai's chest, down to his navel, then to the slight curve where Fai's stomach met his hips.

Fai bit his lip, trembling heavily as his boyfriend went farther and farther down his body. It wasn't unpleasant at all, but a lusty haze was beginning to fog his mind, carrying him away from coherence. He untangled his arms from around Kurogane, sitting up slightly; "Kuro-sama," he whispered haltingly, his voice harsh with need.

Kurogane looked up, half-irritated at being interrupted, watching Fai intently. If Fai told him to stop, he had every intention to (though, he wasn't sure if he _could_—in fact, he wasn't sure if Fai himself could stop; the younger boy was completely hard against Kurogane's stomach). "Yeah?"

"Kiss me, _please_."

A throaty chuckle escaped Kurogane, "That it?"

"Do it now, before I change my mind."

Kurogane slid up Fai's torso, peppering it with small kisses and well-placed nips as he went, finally capturing Fai's swollen lips against his own, tasting the warm sweetness that was the blonde.

Fai's hands roved down Kurogane's back, falling to a stop at the slight curve of his lower back, pressing his fingers deep into the firm muscle, groaning in delight as the soft pressure on his hips suddenly increased. His mouth fell open in short, harsh pants as the elder teen rolled his hips down, blowing their minds pleasure.

"I… really…do…like you," Fai panted into Kurogane's mouth, arching his hips up to rub against Kurogane's.

The athlete smirked, kissing Fai possessively; "So I've heard," he mumbled, moving down to kiss the blonde's jaw, moving leisurely down, biting along the way.

Pink crescents bloomed against his pale skin, just slightly darker than the blush that was rushing down his chest like wildfire. Kurogane took the band of Fai's pants in his fingers, pulling them down slowly, kissing closer to the place he'd only ever dreamed of touching.

Fai leaned up into Kurogane, twitching softly in anticipation. A soft dread was building in the back of his mind, not yet cold enough to extinguish the flames; "Oh, hurry," he urged.

Kurogane pulled off Fai's pants and underwear, the boy moving slightly to aid him, grinning wickedly—Fai wouldn't have been so quick to hurry him if he knew what the elder teen had in mind. He leaned back, eyeing Fai's naked, prone form hungrily. He bent back down, kissing the base of Fai's member gently.

Fai's eyes slid closed in ecstasy, but as Kurogane engulfed him suddenly, they shot open with a sharp cry. "No," he groaned half-heartedly, seeing white at the damp heat surrounding his erection. He reached out with every intention of pushing his boyfriend away, slightly uncomfortable with the sudden level of intimacy, when Kurogane's tongue brushed against the tip. He moaned heavily, his fingers curling into the elder's ebony spikes, urging him closer.

Kurogane ran his tongue against the slit, tasting salty precum, then sucked gently before pulling away. He had only meant to tease Fai until he was writhing on the cushions; that goal succeeded, he sat back on his heels, his hands hungrily roving the blonde's body. He crouched over the boy, Fai's breath hot in its soft panting bursts against his face; his fingers lightly traced the long, vertical scars that latticed through his shorter, more jagged horizontal ones on his arms—elegant curves of raised skin that reminded Kurogane just how close he'd become to losing the beautiful creature beneath him. He kissed Fai with renewed passion, one hand sliding down the vocalist's stomach, his fingers bending and cupping the curves of the boy's stomach and erection before sliding between his thighs, massaging the warm, silky skin as he urged them apart.

Fai trembled wantonly, his head tipping back; "Mmn!" half-strangled moans escaped from a quickly closing throat, pleasure besting all composure.

Kurogane nuzzled the freshman's exposed neck, nosing the soft column of pale peach flesh. He reached with his free hand—the one that wasn't busy groping the boy beneath him—to absently pull out a drawer embedded in the side of the coffee table. His fingers searched both Fai and the drawer; one drawing pleasured mewls while the other found a small plastic bottle.

He picked it up, drawing away from Fai for consent. Fai lazily opened his eyes, deeply colored with lust and immeasurable devotion; "What's that…?"

"What does it _look_ like?"

Fai blushed even darker, shivers of anticipation wracking his entire body. "Ahhh," he moaned, "You were _planning_ on seducing me?"

"Not as much planning," Kurogane mumbled hoarsely, "As hoped."

"I want you," Fai begged. Be dammed with safety or prudence or whatever the hell it was that held him back before. This felt good; he wanted to be with Kurogane in anyway possible. He wanted to stake his claim—he wanted to belong to somebody who loved him genuinely.

Kurogane needed no more instruction; he uncapped the bottle and poured a copious amount of the clear gel onto his fingers. He nudged Fai's legs, urging him to spread himself wider. The blonde happily complied, wrapping one leg around Kurogane's waist while the other slid off the sofa, his foot landing on the floor with a soft 'thud' that was drowned by his surprised moans as Kurogane almost hastily slid a finger inside of his body.

"Relax," Kurogane breathed, reaching deep inside of Fai. The blonde hissed softly as the elder's finger probed and stretched him; however, before long, the feeling was pleasant, and he relaxed against the intrusion, whimpering as his boyfriend pulled out. The second's loss was rewarded with a second finger, which was later joined by a third.

It was a feeling that Fai never had believed could be enjoyable; it was far from painful—even though it was slightly uncomfortable at first—and it made him want more. For the first time, he wanted to be touched more, to be held tightly in such an embrace. He reached out, pulling Kurogane to him in a kiss.

Kurogane kissed Fai heavily, their tongues entwining between their barely touching lips, sweat shining on Fai's flushed forehead. He wanted the blonde so much that it hurt; he pulled his fingers from Fai, satisfied with the approving mewls his fingers had been garnering. He pressed his forehead to Fai's, eyes serious, "You really want this?"

"More than anything," Fai breathed, his body arching in search of contact. Kurogane swallowed heavily, then proceeded to strip himself. He poured more lubricant into his palm, coating his straining manhood, shuddering heavily at the feel of even his own fingers against the heated skin. Fai moaned in appreciation at the sight.

Kurogane growled, pinning Fai against the pillows, grabbing the boy's hands lovingly, their fingers entwining as he positioned himself against Fai's entrance. The blonde shuddered, wrapping his legs tightly against Kurogane.

Slowly, Kurogane penetrated him.

Fai screwed his eyes shut—it still hurt. The panic that had laid dormant in his mind swelled to exponential proportions, a shriek of protest building in the back of his throat. He gave a strangled gasp, his teeth clamping down on themselves as Kurogane pressed deeper into him. His hands yanked away from Kurogane's, flying to grasp the sophomore. He dug his nails into the older teen's back, scrapping up his shoulders as his body bent backwards in an attempt to cope.

Kurogane stopped, slightly worried, "Fai?" he mumbled, struggling to keep himself still.

"Go on," Fai hissed, swallowing a huge gulp of air. The kendo member slid in until he was fully inside of the blonde, grinding his teeth in restraint. Fai's body was tense, his entire body struggling against the athlete's.

"Relax," Kurogane whispered soothingly, running soft touches along the backside of his thighs. Fai nodded once, silent as he bit down on his lip to keep from screaming.

_It's not like that; it's different. This different, Kurogane's different… it's not like then…_

However, repeating the same mantra in his head did not help Fai at all. His muscles tightened even more in an attempt to reject the pain and a helpless whimper escaped his lips.

Kurogane hissed as Fai clenched even more around his erection and his hips gave an involuntary jerk, pushing him farther into the boy.

Fai screamed. It had already been building in the back of his throat, and he'd done his best to swallow it, but the sudden cleave of pain ripped it from him. It dislodged the aged memories from his mind, slightly dusty from lack of use, and thrust them to the surface, clouding his eyes with tears and terror.

In his mind's eye, Kurogane's skin washed out to a light cream, his crimson eyes dulled until they shone like coal, and his hair lengthened and hung above his face like a curtain… His father, looking down on him…

No. No. No. _No_. **_No_**. _**No**_.

"Fai?!"

The blonde gave a soft keen of alarm, staring wide-eyed up at Kurogane, his pupils swallowing the blue of his eyes. "Please, stop," he whimpered softly. Tears leaked down his pale face, and his hands weakly pushed at Kurogane's chest. The kendo member took them into his own, frowning.

"Fai, I'm sorry…" Kurogane whispered in horror, "I'll stop. We don't have to do this if you don't want to… I'll stop; I'm sorry…"

The image shattered. Kurogane was Kurogane once more, and Fai was once more a very confused boy in love. He reached out, sliding his hands from Kurogane's, tangling them into the elder boy's hair. He pulled the elder's face down to his, kissing Kurogane deeply. Tears mixed with sweat and saliva; they slowly found their place against each other, their bodies mixing and melding with the other's. It was easy now that they had found their rhythm, working with each other, rather than against. He didn't say a thing; he left his body to do the talking—Kurogane's replied lovingly. One thing was certain:

Kurogane was Kurogane.  
Ashura was Ashura.

They were inexorably different, and could no longer mix in Fai's head. His father was cruel and cold and would not stop at hurting him. Whereas Kurogane was kind and warm and would never do a thing to harm him. Love and hate were two completely separate things. Fai _loved_ Kurogane deeply, while he absolutely **abhorred** his father.

This pain was pleasure of the highest degree; it was something that consecrated his feelings, and was holy to his heart. Not like the sin that he held deep inside of his body. This was enough to wash that away entirely.

"You're okay?"

Fai moaned softly, arching up into Kurogane's hips; "Y…yes," he panted, lovingly kissing his boyfriend's shoulder before biting down with the elder's next thrust.

Kurogane smiled, scooping Fai into his arms so he could push deeper, enjoying how the blonde would writhe against him in constant ecstasy every time he hit him right. "Tell me what to do."

"Just take me away," Fai begged, digging his nails into Kurogane's back, his body clenching as he neared release.

Before long the two lay together, a pool of cooling semen between and below them, cuddling.

Fai nuzzled up under Kurogane's chin, humming softly as Kurogane stroked soft circles into his back. The two moved against each other constantly, enjoying the friction of skin against skin, sexual tension high between them. Kurogane was still deep inside of Fai, so the blonde was atop him, straddled across his hips.

Kurogane leaned up, stealing a kiss from Fai, who purred in pleasure against his mouth and tongue. They pulled away, flushed and panting, saliva trailing linking the small gap between their lips.

"Uhn, dammit," Fai moaned, trembling heavily. He could feel Kurogane's cock twitch inside of him, arousing him even more. The languid heat that had been pooling in his stomach flared to life, taking him captive.

Kurogane laughed, ghosting his fingers along the inside of the blonde's thighs. "Up for it again?" he teased. Fai flushed a darker red, digging his nails into Kurogane's shoulders; "Yeah… please?"

Kurogane answered with a kiss.

**XxXxXxX**

Fai awoke happy, heavy, and highly exhausted. He kept his eyes shut, reveling in the feeling of being cradled against Kurogane's bare body. He wiggled himself closer, rubbing himself against the older boy. He enjoyed the feeling immensely. This was something he could spend his whole life doing.

He slowly slid his eyes open, squinting against the diffused light that trickled through the comforter that was draped haphazardly over them; he dazedly remembered Kurogane throwing it over them as he drifted to sleep after finally succumbing to exhaustion. There was no way to tell how long they had kept at it the night before, or the time it was now—though, Fai was sure of one thing, the only light the night before had been the TV, and this light was far too bright…

He sat up; a hiss of pain escaped him as his backside twinged at the sudden movement and pressure. He shuddered softly as he arranged himself, feeling something hot trickling down the inside of his legs.

He shifted slowly, half amazed at the fact that he didn't hurt worse. He could clearly remember the pain from before, something white-hot that lanced through his body, making every move excruciating. This, however, was more like he was only slightly bruised, not torn to shreds. He smiled softly at the memory of Kurogane's gentle reassurances and touches.

So he didn't hurt too much, that was good, but he was exhausted. He vaguely remembered passing out in Kurogane's arms, too tired to even finish kissing the older boy. He felt like he could sleep for years. So why was he awake?

He emerged from under the covers, his eyes smarting as sunlight hit them full force. Sun…?

"Shit," he mumbled. Looked like they were going to be late today. His eyes fell to the coffee table, to find his cell phone vibrating and lighting up.

"Ah," he mumbled. He picked it up, answering it softly; "Wha's up?"

"Fai D. Flowright, do you _know_ what _time_ it is?!" Sakura screeched. Fai pulled the phone away from his ear, wincing. Man, did that girl have some lungs.

"Enlighten me."

"It's past _eleven_! We're going to get docked a letter grade on Haruka's project! You know he said no excuses!"

"Oh, _shit_, it's that late?!" He looked at the window in the kitchen, trying to judge the sun's position, but failed horribly.

"Yes. _Yes_, it is. …Are you sick? You're awfully hoarse. You didn't overdo it at the concert did you?" the girl worried, her tone shifting from harsh to caring.

Fai blushed softly, "Ah… I overdid _something_, but not at the concert," he answered vaguely. Kurogane shifted behind him, the movement of skin against skin causing Fai to blush even more.

"Huh…? Where _are_ you by the way? I called your apartment, but you didn't answer."

Fai looked behind him at Kurogane, who was in the process of sitting up. Fai chewed his lip, his eyes scouring the sophomore's torso. The long scratches that trailed down his biceps and the darkening purple crescents across his shoulders and neck served only to arouse the blonde horribly. "Well… you see, I'm at Kurogane's," he admitted slowly, fidgeting.

There came an explosion of noise at the other end of the line, followed by a sharp clatter. A moment of silence passed, then:

"Did you and lover boy do it!?" Shaoran demanded, Sakura shrieking in the background for her phone.

Kurogane leaned forward, circling his arms around Fai's waist, his hands sliding down the plane of the blonde's stomach.

Fai squeaked softly, leaning back into his boyfriend. "Well, uh, maybe… y-yeah…" Fai bit his lip, swallowing a soft moan as Kurogane's fingers gently pressed into his skin, rubbing slow circles.

"PERVERTS!" both Sakura and Shaoran shouted. It was hard to tell if they were serious—Shaoran, at least, wasn't. He enjoyed taking the time to thoroughly tease anyone. Sakura was just like that.

Before Fai could say anything in his defense, the elder teen snatched the phone away; "You asked," Kurogane muttered shortly, snapping the phone closed.

"How… rude," Fai chided softly, looking up at the kendo member, who stared back at him hungrily.

Kurogane leaned down, hoisting Fai into his lap. "How are you?" he murmured, kissing him gently.

Fai pressed himself against his boyfriend, murmuring in pleasure as Kurogane's mouth slipped from his own lips down to his neck. "I'm sore—" "Sorry—" "But incredibly happy," Fai finished, ignoring Kurogane's apology. He dropped his head, pressing his cheek against Kurogane's hair, "I'm also super tired."

Kurogane chuckled, rubbing Fai's back gently; "Yeah, well I am too."

"Shall we migrate?" Fai suggested; Kurogane nodded absently. Fai pulled away reluctantly, standing slowly. His legs wobbled beneath him, and he collapsed back into Kurogane's arms. He blinked, then laughed, "Carry me? It seems I can't walk."

"You're like a fucking damsel in distress," Kurogane grunted fondly, lifting Fai into his arms, carrying him to their bedroom. He deposited the boy onto the bed, tossing the blankets haphazardly over the Fai.

"Kuro-sama, are you getting in the bed?" Fai mumbled, staring up at the elder teen.

"I'm going to clean up the sofa," Kurogane said, stretching his hands over his head, his back cracking appreciatively. Fai blushed as he watched the muscles roil underneath Kurogane's tan skin, remembering the feel of them pressed intimately to his body. "There's a real mess there. I'll come back once I've shoved the damn cover in the washer. Don't know what we'll do about the cushions…"

Fai nodded, smiling in an tired, absent way as he wiggled deeper under the covers, sinking deep into the pillows, breathing in their combined scent on the sheets. His eyes drifted closed, and he was asleep before Kurogane had even left the room.

**XxXxXxX**

"Kuro-sama, do you know where the hairdryer went to? I seriously _can't_ find it," Fai called, padding into the room. Kurogane turned to face his boyfriend to answer, but then stopped.

He could never quite get over just how attractive Fai was; even when the boy had been deep in depression, he was still captivating with his frail beauty. Maybe it was a good thing, but sometimes it was bad, timing wise. Sometimes he'd be reduced to just staring. Like now.

Fai stood in the doorway, his hand lightly leaning against the wood, his other hand sliding through his hair, damp and dark gold. He was barely clothed at all, a pair of boxers hit low on his hips, looking like they were on the verge of falling off. (A part of Kurogane's mind was already peeling them off while another recognized with a sudden jolt of adrenaline that it was _his _underwear that Fai was wearing…) His cheeks were flushed from the gobs of hot water Kurogane knew he used, and drops of water still clung to his body. Bruises blossomed on his milky scar-crossed skin, darkening crescents that served as a reminder of their recent activities.

"Kuro-sama?" Fai repeated softly, blushing as he realized his boyfriend was staring at him. "Blow-dryer… wh…where is it…?"

Kurogane raised an eyebrow, stepping forward, dropping the cereal box to the counter, where it lay, completely forgotten. Fai tipped his head to the side, bemused.

"You're fucking hot right now," Kurogane growled, capturing Fai in his arms.

Fai blinked, mollified. He looked up at Kurogane, grinning, "You're always hot," he retorted.

Kurogane pinned Fai against the doorframe, kissing him for all he was worth. At this point, he wondered if he'd ever get to the point where he could make it to a bed before wanting to screw Fai senseless. At this point, his hormones were raging so bad, he'd probably end up taking the freshman at school if the need arose. (Pun not intended.) He had, somehow, completely forgotten how to control himself.

Fai had just finished taking off Kurogane's pants when the doorbell rang.

Kurogane groaned irritably. "Fuck," he hissed.

"Please do," Fai whispered, digging his nails into the sophomore's biceps. "Forget the doorbell. _Take me_."

Kurogane smirked, sliding his hands under Fai's thigh, pulling it up with one hand. He slid a finger inside of the blonde, relishing his boyfriend's groans and mewls as he began to slowly fit in a second.

He could easily ignore the doorbell now. He was about to push into Fai when the intercom came on.

"Fai-san! Kurogane-san! Answer the door!" Sakura's voice called.

Fai banged his head back against the wall. "Has school let out already?" he moaned, slightly irritated; "Where the fuck did the day go?" Kurogane pressed his mouth to Fai's neck, teasing pressing his tip to the blonde's entrance as he chose to count Fai's questions as sheerly rhetorical.

"She'll understand if we don't answer."

Fai whimpered pushing himself forward, feeling Kurogane's member push into him slightly. "Ah… y…eah… _please_…"

Kurogane chuckled, rubbing circles into Fai's lower back, biting his neck gently. He slid slowly into the boy, enjoying how Fai squirmed against him.

"Fai D. Flowright! Kurogane Youou Suwa! Open this door! I don't care _what_ you're doing right now!"

"How does she know my full name?"

Fai sighed, wiggling away from his boyfriend with a defeated look. "Sakura has hung out with Watanuki for a long time…"

Kurogane winced as Sakura seemed to lean against the doorbell.

"She won't go away 'till we answer the door," he explained, pulling the boxers back on. As he rose, he pressed a kiss to Kurogane's lower stomach. "Then we'll go right back at it, won't we?" he purred. He sashayed away, the sophomore groaning in defeat. "Your ass is mine!" he called, pulling his own clothes back on, listening to Fai laugh lightly. He made his way to his room, where Fai was pulling a pair of Kurogane's sweats, hiding his erection in layers of baggy clothing. "I suggest you do the same," the blonde advised, raising a suggestive eyebrow at Kurogane's crotch.

Kurogane rolled his eyes. No, he quite wanted the girl to know what she'd interrupted… well, he'd do it if he wasn't sure that it was a) possibly illegal and b) he'd get throttled by Fai _and_ Shaoran. So he pulled on his clothes.

Fai went to the door, opening it with a look of utmost irritancy. "Sakura-chan," he said chillily.

"Fai-san."

"You know, after this morning, I thought it would be clear as to what and how I was doing. There's no need to check up on me."

Sakura surveyed Fai, scowling. He shifted, hoping Kurogane's too big clothes hid his erection; even so, they couldn't quite hide his pink cheeks and the radiance that surrounded those who've recently been absolutely ravished. "I don't approve of you two, you know."

"Why?" Fai groaned in resignation; "You were the one who cheered us on, made us talk to each other, _remember_!"

"I didn't know how serious you'd get."

"Please don't tell me you came here just to bash my relationship," Fai pleaded, biting his lip. He really liked Kurogane (his erection gave a throb of agreement).

"No, I came to make sure neither of you were dead and to give you your homework," Sakura said, pulling out a notebook; "And… Fai-san, I don't want to see you hurt."

"I don't see why."

"I love you, Fai-san," Sakura explained, blushing slightly.

Fai smiled, his cool demeanor softening; "I know you do, Sakura-chan… but, let me tell you something: Kuro-sama would never hurt me, I promise. You see… I… I love him, and he…"

Sakura shook her head, handing Fai the notebook, "I know… I just… I don't like it at all." She sighed, waving the subject away; "We'll talk later. See you tomorrow at practice, 'kay? Please don't forget about it." She turned and scurried off.

Fai closed the door, locking it, looking baffled.

Kurogane grabbed him, leaning against him. "_That_ was interesting."

"Mm…"

Kurogane pressed his face to the crook of Fai's neck, his hands sliding down the front of the boy's borrowed boxers. "I can't figure her out at all," he murmured, stroking his boyfriend's erection.

"…No… she's… _Ah, right there_! ...Mothering me… _ahgn_! At least…_mmn!! _That's what Watanuki said… _please!_"

Kurogane nodded, pulling Fai's underwear off. He pulled the boy flush to him, spreading Fai's legs with his knee, "You're worried though, aren't you?" Fai nodded, his nails digging into Kurogane's arms. He kissed the blonde's neck, whispering softly in his ear; "It will all be okay, I _promise_."


	23. Lesson Eleven: Gentle Vindication

**A/N: **_Finally we get an explanation out of Sakura-chan! And as for the background with her and Syaoron—that's foreshadowing. There's not real much to this chapter—the real fun is next chapter! (Which takes place at the beach! Yaaaay, right?!) But, I do have this to say! Ehmagawd, TomoyoNyx is amazing. ^_^ She drew-- and colored-- a Gothix piccy for me! I ORDER YOU TO GO SEE IT. =D (http: // tomoyonyx. deviantart. com/ art/ The-Mask -Falls- 119966317 Like, without the spaces.) _

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson Eleven:** _Gentle Vindication _

"You know, you're being a real bitch," Shaoran said offhandedly, looking up at Sakura.

The girl flushed, her brows furrowing dangerously. She stood; leaving Shaoran to bonk his head against the bleachers, for his head had been in her lap. She smoothed her shorts, looking murderous in black workout gear. "_Well_!" she hissed, stalking off to sulk with Tomoyo in the far corner of the gym.

Shaoran sighed, rubbing the back of his head. "Well you _are_," he mumbled.

"She won't listen if you say it like that," Watanuki muttered, rolling his eyes. He leaned against his hockey stick, eyeing Shaoran over the rim of his glasses; "Not even Yuuko-san can temper her. She said that 'it was something she has to figure out on her own'. Pft. She never helps when she's needed."

"Oh, Watanuki, what's up with her moving my shifts?" Shaoran asked, "I only work every other day and I have weekends now," he complained.

"Ah, we… have a new employee."

"Who?"

Watanuki jerked his head in Kurogane and Fai's direction, where they were playfully practicing shooting goals.

"Pretty boy's always worked there."

"Not him. _Kurogane_ has a job there now."

"He's **loaded**, though! Why does _he_ need a job, more specifically, _mine_?!"

"Yuuko-san wouldn't say," Watanuki admitted. Shaoran rolled his eyes, standing, tugging his shorts down until they were at the proper place—low on his hips. "I'd better go apologize. She's hell when she's mad. Remember when I killed her goldfish?"

Watanuki snorted, "She wouldn't talk to you for ages—started hanging out with Syaoron and…" his face fell, and he stopped talking. "…I think... that waiting for a bit would be wise."

**XxXxXxX**

She was angry—it was just that simple. She was mad that Fai had made crap choices, mad that he almost died; mad that he never listened, mad that he continued to cut… mad that no matter what she did, it made no difference.

So, okay, she admitted, it wasn't that simple.

But it didn't boil down to being cutthroat or jealous or anything…

Alright, so it did.

Sakura ground her teeth together, leaning close to the ground, her fingers wrapping tight over the hockey stick. At the third 'clack' of the face-off, she took off, stealing the puck from the opposite team. She charged, easily dodging the sucky defense from the other team, the puck skating over the laminated wood floors of the gym. She neared the goal, smirking as Fai simply stared at her. She swung back slightly, then hit, the puck cleanly sailing past his weak attempt at blocking, bouncing against the nylon net.

"Point!" the coach called. She grinned, flouncing back to the center of the floor for the face-off. She found herself smirking up at Kurogane, "Told you I'd pawn your ass," she said smugly, positioning herself.

_One…_

_Two…_

_Three…GO! _

Kurogane took off with the puck and she chased after him; she cut across the gym floor, coming out in front of the sophomore, stealing the puck, and in the process, tripping him up. She grinned as she raced off, hearing gratuitous usage of all the curse words in existence—hockey truly was her favorite sport now.

It was a nice outlet—sports always were. Whenever she was so frustrated and fed up, she'd drag Touya out for a game of basketball or soccer. She'd learned a long time ago that playing against the Li twins would never let her blow steam—they were just too nice (even Shaoran), and they let her win—but Touya… her brother never gave her a break. He knew why she wanted to play, and they did until they were drenched in sweat and their knees wobbled. Sports were her option when music failed to be a significant alternative.

She had sports. Watanuki had working Yuuko's shop. Shaoran had his drums. Syaoron had kendo. Touya had soccer. Yukito had reading. She was sure that even Kurogane had his thing.

So why was Fai the only damn one who didn't have a constructive outlet?!

She put on an extra burst of speed, barreling past a few more people as she made a melee run to the puck, which was drifting along after an over-shot pass by the other team.

She'd play until she could no longer feel the antagonism burning through her veins.

**XxXxXxX**

"What's her malfunction?"

Fai winced slightly as Kurogane put pressure on his ankle, "No clue," he mumbled, "Could you please do that a little lighter? It hurts?"

"It's gotta be a little tight or it'll swell."

The blonde tipped his head back against the bleachers, chewing his lip as Kurogane wrapped up his sprained ankle. "Maybe she just really gets into hockey?"

"She wasn't this vicious last semester."

Fai sighed softly, leaning down to cup Kurogane's face; "Don't take it personally," he whispered, leaning his forehead against the sophomore's.

"And you don't?"

"I was stupid and tripped in the net," Fai laughed, waving Kurogane away. The sophomore sat back on his heels, scowling:

"You do take it personally."

Fai bit his lip, turning his head, "… just… don't worry about it. I'll fix it."

The raven-haired teen shook his head; he couldn't bring himself to castigate Fai, nor could he bring himself to trust that the boy would actually confront Sakura. Fai was a laid-back sort of person.

**XxXxXxX**

"Oi!"

Sakura turned, slamming her locker shut, ignoring Kurogane completely.

Kurogane fell into stride with her, scowling; "Stop whatever crap you're trying to start; I didn't mind the snide comments, I could ignore the girls, hell, I don't even care whether you want me with Fai or not—I'll still be with him."

"Then why the ultimatum?"

"It's upsetting Fai. The last thing he needs right now is something like this—he's finally gotten stabilized," Kurogane hissed, "I don't want to see him messed up like that again."

"Don't tell me what I need to do with _my_ friend!" Sakura snapped shrilly, turning to face Kurogane, clutching her books to her chest, "And you're really one to talk!"

"Yeah, I am," Kurogane admitted with a soft chuckle, a tender look fleeting across his face.

It scared her, how close they were. Seeing the level of devotion Kurogane drew from Fai reminded her of how close they had once been, and how far apart they were now. It hurt, a dull ache echoing inside of her heart. It was an empty pain, scraping her already raw heart. How many more people would she have to lose?

She would do it; she would repeat it many times over if she had to. Distance herself. Harden herself. Do selfish things to gain what she wanted. She would do them.

"Anyway—just cut the crap," Kurogane demanded; "I'm not asking you to be all happy and cheerful… just… don't… don't make him worry any longer."

With that, Kurogane turned on his heel, jogging off to his class before the bell rang, leaving Sakura in a tide of rushing students, irreparably lost.

**XxXxXxX**

Sakura sighed, knocking on the door reluctantly. She really didn't want to apologize to Shaoran, but it didn't feel right to be mad at him—he'd only said what was true (even if he had been crudely blunt about it).

The door opened to a rather sleepy-looking Syaoron. "Hello, Sakura-chan; what're you doing here this early? It is Saturday," he chuckled, "In case you think we have school."

Sakura grinned, "I'm sorry, did I wake you, Fuuka?" she asked, hugging her friend, reverting back to his childhood nickname.

"Nah," Syaoron said, returning Sakura's hug with a quick one of his own. "Come in."

Sakura followed the boy into the house, making their way up to the twin's room, a route that was familiar with the girl. Shaoran and Syaoron lived in the attic of their house, away from their many sisters.

"Shaoran's not here, by the way," Syaoron said offhandedly, pushing open the trap door to his room after scaling a small ladder. He climbed up, holding his hand out to Sakura, who daintily climbed in without help. She stuck her tongue out impishly.

Syaoron raised an eyebrow, "So that's how it is, huh?"

Sakura grinned, "Chivalry is dead, you know." She softened, "You were always so nice, Fuuka…"

Syaoron sighed, glancing up at his desk, a framed picture of the four of them as children shining in the morning sun; "Shaoran has a shift at Yuuko-san's. She called him last night."

"Oh…"

"You can wait here, you know," Syaoron said quickly, "I'm not kicking you out—in fact…" he grabbed the girl's hands, smiling gently, "It's very good to see you again, Sakura-chan; I thought you'd never come visit us again." They settled down into two opposite bean bags, staring at each other with a fondness only childhood companions can have.

Sakura sighed softly, her heart heavy. "You're too nice, Fuuka," she said eventually. "I guess it would be better if you slipped up and called me 'hime' once and again, like your brother did."

Syaoron's face fell, wincing slightly; "There was always a difference between you two—you and she were painfully different."

Sakura hung her head, her bangs falling over her eyes, "And I wonder who knows it more? Me or you?"

"Equally, I think," Syaoron mused, gently squeezing Sakura's hands. "…I hear you're struggling with something," he said eventually, offering a silent change in subject.

"Who told you that?"

"Shaoran; he's worried. So… what's wrong?"

"Well, it's Fai-san."

Syaoron frowned for a second, then nodded; "The pixyish blonde who hangs out with Kurogane-san! Yeah, yeah, he's real nice; he's been coming to watch practice this week, he went out and got the team drinks yesterday."

"Well, yeah, him. You know how those two are going out?"

"'Course, Kurogane-san basically obsesses over him; it's no real secret."

"I don't like it!" Sakura blurted, "Kurogane doesn't understand Fai at all!"

"…and you do?" Syaoron prompted softly, leaning forward to study Sakura intently.

"Yes!" The girl paused, then looked down; "Well, I used to… then Watanuki told us some things about Fai that… made me look at him a different way. I was confused, and I wanted to talk to him about them—it was so painful just to hear! How could he live with it? …But it's like he doesn't want to spend time with us anymore; all he does is hang all over Kurogane. Like, last semester, we couldn't get his butt in PE even if his life depended on it! But now, all Kurogane has to do is ask, and there he is!"

Syaoron smiled softly, "You're jealous of Kurogane-san, Sakura-chan—it's cute," he chuckled.

Sakura blushed, gaping indignantly, "I am not!"

"You are," he protested gently; "You feel like Fai-san has betrayed you, and you envy the attention Kurogane-san is getting… You see, when your sister died… I thought that she had just left us; she'd betrayed her promises to you and me and Shaoran. I felt helplessly alone, and I was angry. And then you stopped coming around to see me, but you would talk to Shaoran every now and again… Both my brother and I were helplessly jealous when you cut us off entirely, choosing to hang out with Watanuki-san instead. And not to mention when I found out that you and my brother were dating! I nearly fell off my chair," he teased; "But you see, Sakura-chan, we weren't betrayed… Jealousy and sadness when someone you love grows up or moves to a place you can't reach is natural. However, you need to protect the feeling that caused the jealously, not act impulsively upon it."

Sakura trembled, nodding gently, tears welling in her eyes; "I don't want to lose him, too! I can't lose another person I love! I'd do anything to keep him with us!"

"Then get off your butt, and tell him that!" Shaoran declared. Syaoron looked up at his mirror, smiling mildly; "You wanna take over now?"

The younger twin stood, looking sadly—almost longingly down at Sakura, who was smiling softly at Shaoran. He gently patted Sakura's hair; "Don't forget to visit, Sakura-chan…and… it's okay if you stop calling me 'Fuuka'," he whispered softly, before leaving the room.

"I'm sorry I've been a bitch," Sakura mumbled, wiping her eyes. Shaoran shrugged, "It's not me you have to apologize too—it's lover boy and Fai. So let's go."

**XxXxXxX**

"How did you get her to come around?" Kurogane asked in genuine surprise, ogling a crying Fai and Sakura hug each other tightly.

"I didn't," Shaoran said, sipping his coke; "My brother did."

Kurogane gave a noncommittal grunt, raising an eyebrow at the two dithering freshman on his sofa. The two hugged again, and immediately started chattering on in quickly paced tones that their boyfriends couldn't make heads or tails of.

"When do you think they're going to do each other's nails?" Shaoran offered.

"After they do their hair, I think. At least, that's how it goes in movies."

"Ah it's so fun watching the girls make up," the brunette said dryly.

Kurogane gave no comment, seeing as both he and Shaoran were getting the evil eye from their respective partners.


	24. Reteaching Six: Veracity

**A/N: **_I know I said beach, but I forgot to mention this chapter. Next chapter is the beginning of a new story arc, so this is in order. (YES, I have story arcs! It's an efficient way to organize the story. There are seven of them in the story, BTW…) The next arc is the truth arc, which, ends with them going to Celes. But, __**that**__ is a __**long**__ time away. *sobs* So long! (Are they tears of **joy**, Moro? XD) _

* * *

**Gothix, Reteaching Six: **_Veracity _

_Listen quickly now, I have something to tell you—don't try to run, it won't work: You see, I am always with you; because I love you._

There are some things you can't escape from, like the dark or the light. From those things, there is no fleeing—they will come to you, whether you like it or not. They cannot be abated or prevented.

There are some things that you can run from; you can hide from them. You can hole yourself up with the overcoming light and dark, and flee. However, these things track you down, slowly but surely, no matter how hard you run. These things hunt you—the longer you run, the longer you hide, the longer you shy away from it, the stronger it grows.

And it grows, and it grows, and it grows… And it gets stronger with every inescapable day that passes. And it gets stronger until you become complacent and tired of squatting in the half-light of your sacred hidey-hole, and it comes after you… Not even running will save you… Because, you see…

_**The truth hunts to kill. **_

Oh, please understand it, it's nothing that it has against you personally, it's just… The longer you hide from the truth, the more it hurts when it catches up. But if you feel like you can ignore it; if you feel like you can continue hiding; if you feel like you can live with the excruciatingly fatal pain of being hunted…

_**Go on, live by lies. **_

Go on, think:

I can _continue_ cheating myself out of things.  
I can _continue_ pretending not to love her.  
I can _continue_ on pretending I'm not jealous.  
I can _continue_ to say I'm okay.  
I can _continue_ not to notice that he's suicidal.  
I can _continue_ to pretend to be what I'm not.  
I can _continue_ to believe I don't hate myself.  
I can _continue_ to believe they hit me because they love me.  
I can _continue_ to think that I can live like this.  
I can _continue_ to believe I'm worth nothing.  
I can _continue_ to think that I'm better than everyone.  
I can _continue_ to say these hurtful things.  
I can _continue_ to think that bullying won't hurt anyone.  
I can _continue_ to think I won't have to do anything.  
I can _continue_ to pretend to be her friend.  
I can _continue_ to believe that what I'm doing won't hurt me.  
I can _continue_ to live shamelessly controlling others.  
I can _continue_ to pretend to love her until graduation.  
I can _continue_ to believe that she won't hurt me.  
I can _continue_ to believe that I won't be alone living like this.

And on, and on…

When you hit the bottom, when you have nowhere else to run, don't pretend you didn't hear me. Don't pretend you didn't once look back. It will hurt. It will sting. You will hit bottom, you will die a small death, and you will cry…

Love is a truth.  
Life is a truth.  
Hope is a truth.  
Friends are a truth.  
Family is a truth.

And even if a truth is based on lies, it is still there. But go on, live your life by lies…

_**And hurt the ones you love. **_

_Yes, I'm always with you. No matter how you may come to hate me, I will always love you. _


	25. Lesson Twelve: Indian Summer, Part One

**A/N: **_This chapter got out of hand… Somehow, a fun one-shotish chapter turned into… Well, I don't know how it happened, but somehow major plot points managed to worm their way in. Luckily, there was a good place to split the chapter so I went ahead and split it at seventeen pages. …I'm still confused on how it happened… This story baffles me… Anyway, enjoy the lemonade that is necessary to all beach stories! On another note! Ileana425 made a fanvid for this story!! Thank youuuuu~ *tears of joy* I'll be puting up the link for it in the next chapter-- right now my email's being a butt. (GRR.) Once I've done so, I **order** you to go watch it!!! _

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson Twelve: **_Indian Summer, Part One_

It was early August, a time for last-minute, break-neck attempts at finishing summer homework, school shopping, moving up and closer to adulthood, and crippling heat. It was the height of summer in Koryo, and it showed no signs of relenting anytime soon. Temperatures soared to the hundreds as early as nine in the morning, and a drought was no longer eminent—it was reality. They hadn't seen a single rain cloud in the sky since May, the deep cerulean sky taunting them with a single unrelenting sun every day.

People retreated indoors, not even the public pool saw many people as AC units continuously rattled on; men resorted to going shirtless, women wore as little clothes as lawfully—and conscientiously—possible. Well, most _normal _people, at least.

"Damn! Take off the freaking hoodie! You're making me hot!"

Fai raised an eyebrow, lazily waving a hand; "I always do," he mumbled languidly, pressing a cold coke-can to his head. "And I assume taking my only shirt off would make you even more heated," he said loftily, sprawling out more thoroughly across floor, his shorts riding up his thighs; without even trying, he managed to make himself look incredibly suggestive.

Kurogane crouched down next to Fai, poking the boy lazily; "You're hogging the fan."

Fai leaned up and bit Kurogane's finger, "You have your shift at Yuuko's soon, right?" he asked, giggling as his boyfriend growled, pinning him to the floor.

Kurogane grimaced, making a face that clearly said he'd rather be brained by a crowbar than go to work. Fai stretched underneath the elder boy's grip on him, his back popping graciously several times as he yawned. "I've got rehearsals for some super-secret gig we have next week—Watanuki's finally going to reveal where it is."

"…I don't like the sound of that," Kurogane muttered, letting his fingers trail absently from their grip on Fai's wrists to the boy's damp hair. "Unpleasant surprises run in that family."

"Watanuki's fairly level-headed, you know that," Fai scolded.

"His mother _isn't_."

"Eh. Surprises aside, we still on for tonight?" Fai asked, blushing slightly. Kurogane smiled very softly, a light upwards twitch of his lips that only Fai was allowed to see. The two had taken to going out on dates fairly often, sometimes as many as twice a week. They were silly affairs, really; they would wander around the town, hands entwined, until something struck their fancy. They talked the entire time, often about nothing at all—it was funny how long the two could keep at philosophical debates.

Kurogane studied Fai for a long time; the boy had begun to grow pale again, a soft sickly pallor washing out his face, his skin almost translucent. He'd also started losing weight again, often taking to staring at food instead of eating it (though, he did, however, eat a little off of Kurogane's plate at every meal—he made quite a point about that).

"…I don't know," Kurogane murmured softly, stroking Fai's cheek. "You're tired a lot lately…"

Fai chewed on his lip, looking away from Kurogane. Suddenly, his face felt hot and his body became overly chilled; his pocket burned against his thigh. "No," he whispered after a moment, "I'm fine. I'll take a nap before going to practice, okay?" he bargained.

Kurogane nodded, leaning down to kiss Fai gently; "Maybe I should let you sleep more…?"

Fai chuckled, sitting up as the elder teen straightened. "Waking me up at all hours of the night," the blonde teased, "Keeping me up late; it's no wonder I'm tired!"

Kurogane took a swipe at Fai, who cleanly dodged, latching himself upon the darker teen's leg. Kurogane shook him off, "Oi, come save me from my shift when your practice is done."

"Will do. Bye."

Fai watched Kurogane leave, dropping his head when the door closed and locked behind the athlete. He lay back down on the floor, pulling a small baggie from his pocket. He rolled the plastic between his fingers, crushing the little pills inside.

He wouldn't tell him—he _couldn't_. Kurogane would make too much of a fuss about it. He remembered the hell the rising-junior had raised back in June when he found out that Fai had stopped attending his therapy sessions.

It's not like he _needed_ them.

"You've never helped me at all," he mumbled to the broken pills in the bag. He stood slowly, moving to the bathroom. He emptied the bag into the toilet, flushing down that day's dose of antidepressants.

He didn't need the pills or the sessions—he had Kurogane. Besides, he was better now, wasn't he? Yeah… He'd be okay.

"I have Kuro-sama, and that's enough," he whispered, wrapping his arms around himself.

**XxXxXxX**

"Why, oh, _why_ did the AC have to die!?" Sakura moaned, fanning herself with her sheet music.

Fai groaned unhappily, slumping over the piano, shaking his head, "I wanna go to the North Pole!"

"Stupid sucky school," Shaoran grumbled. Fai nodded in agreement, slithering down onto the floor.

Currently, the Gothix were occupying the auditorium at the school, whose air-conditioning unit had been shut off due to the high cost of cooling a mostly-vacant building for over six hours a day.

"It's no use practicing," Watanuki said, flipping his cell phone closed, "I just got the confirmation, so you might not want to anyway," he declared with a grin. "Guess what."

"A freak blizzard is here, throwing Koryo into a mini ice age?" Fai groaned, craning his neck to stare at Watanuki.

"Better."

"The sun burned out temporarily?" Sakura asked hopefully.

"Nope."

"Aw, just tell us!" Shaoran snapped, to hot and cranky to bother playing the guessing game.

Watanuki waved his cell phone, the miniscule text displayed brightly against a light blue screen. "Yuuko-san and Clow rented a huge house at the beach. She said you guys are coming, and you can invite whoever you want to, as long as you bring your instruments."

Both Sakura and Shaoran instantly brightened, turning to each other happily; "Ocean!" Sakura squealed. "Bathing suits!" Shaoran retorted, grinning. Sakura narrowed her eyes, "_Watch_ _it_, mister."

Fai sat back on his heels, apprehensive. "Isn't, that, like, even _hotter_?"

"Not really," Watanuki replied; "It's not like, the tropics or anything, it's just the beach."

"Nnn… I don't really…"

Sakura, in a move that was unprecedented in the summer heat, launched off her piano stool onto Fai's stomach, "_Nooooo_!!! You have to go!!!"

"Ouf!" Fai squirmed away from the girl, who latched onto his jacket, sliding along with him.

"You have to," she whined, "Please, please, please?!"

"But! I've never been!"

"So!? That's all the more reason!"

"I can't _swim_!" Fai lamented loudly.

"We'll teach you!"

"But, I can't just leave—"

"Bring him with you!"

Fai slumped, shaking his head, "Sakura, you're not giving up are you?" "Nope!" "_Fine_, I'll go."

Sakura flashed a brilliant grin, and Fai laughed, hugging her tightly. Suddenly, he was very excited. His first trip to the beach—his first trip with friends…

**XxXxXxX**

"Beach? Wha'ddya mean, _beach_?"

"I mean, my darling little Doberman—" "I am _not_ a fucking dog, lady!!" "_Language_, Kurogane-kun, language; but what I mean by beach is exactly that! Your darling little Fai will be in soon to tell you more," Yuuko chimed, grinning up at Kurogane cattishly.

Kurogane looked down at the principal—now his boss, who was sprawled out on an old futon that she was (supposedly) selling, reading a women's magazine. By the magazine laid a bright red cell phone, where she had, up until calling Kurogane over, had been texting Watanuki with fingers even faster than the most skilled teenager. "Now go work more—let's see some sweat!"

"…that's creepy, coming from the principal," he grunted, stomping off to finish his closing duties, mainly doing whatever Yuuko told him to do. He couldn't wait for Fai to come and save him—Yuuko might be a little insane, but she was always very sweet to his blonde boyfriend; she basically let him do whatever he wanted (well, within reason, of course).

He was busy moving boxes (filled with who knew what), when the door swung open, a hot draft and the sound of door chimes filling the store, followed by happy chatter.

Fai shot to the back of the store, latching onto Kurogane; "We're going to the _beach_," he said breathlessly, grinning from ear to ear.

"Huh?"

"I _told_ you, puppy-kun," Yuuko said, breezing towards the back of the store, followed by Sakura, Shaoran, and Watanuki, who all cracked up at the woman's nickname. Fai grinned deviously, "Kuro-_puppy_!"

"I am _not_ a damn _**dog**_!!"

"We're all going to the beach!" Yuuko declared briskly, waving her hand elegantly; "We're leaving tomorrow, so get your bags packed for a week of revelry, romance, and respite!" she clapped once, then exited the store, opting to go cool the temperature with sangria rather than air-conditioning.

Her dramatic exeunt caused Watanuki to go into an irritable huff, complaining about alcoholic mother-figures; Sakura suddenly remembered that she needed a new swimsuit, which caused Shaoran to flee for his life (he did _not_ want to go shopping).

Fai smiled blithely, waving goodbye to Watanuki, tugging Kurogane out into the scorching sun. "Oooh, it's hot," he moaned, shuffling closer to Kurogane. "Will it really be cooler at the beach?"

"Not really," Kurogane admitted, "But you don't notice it if you're in the water or playing around… How are we all going?"

"Yuuko-san rented a beach house," Fai said, "Apparently she used to do it every summer when Sakura-chan and them were younger."

"Oh, yeah, I remember now," Kurogane said, nodding absently, his hand sliding to Fai's waist, the two walking comfortably side-by-side. "Tomoyo used to go with them a lot. Apparently, they were all like a little gang."

"Did you have any friends like that?"

"Who me? No," Kurogane answered brusquely. "I was a problem child, even then, so—I went to the beach with my parents, sometimes with Tomoyo and Ameterasu, but that's about it. What about you? Do you have any friends back where you used to live?"

Fai stiffened, blood draining from his face. Kurogane mentally kicked himself—after over half a year with Fai, he knew damn good well that Fai's past was a tabooed subject. The question just… it didn't even register until he asked it.

"Fai, are you okay?"

Fai grit his teeth, his jaws visibly working. "No… I… no," he mumbled. "…didn't have friends… I really don't want to talk about it," he begged breathlessly, sounding close to tears.

"I'm sorry… that was stupid of me," Kurogane muttered, rubbing his neck; "Of course, the past doesn't matter you know…"

"Really?" Fai looked up with bemused eyes, a frown pulling gently on his lips.

"You're here now, that's all that matters."

A soft smile fell to Fai's lips, and he shook his head, "You're so sweet, Kuro-puppy."

"You too!? **Dammit**!"

**XxXxXxX**

The ride to the beach was uneventful and long; since they had risen early to get to the beach before too late in the afternoon, the teens dozed in the back of Clow's large van, ear-buds in, cuddled together for comfort.

Sakura and Shaoran and Syaoron shared the first row. Sakura was in the middle, and the three looked like fallen dominoes, with Syaoron's head on Sakura's shoulder, and her's on Shaoran's, who was propped against the window. Doumeki and Watanuki shared the middle row, Watanuki's head lolling against the archer's chest, snoring lightly. Fai and Kurogane were laid out in the back, Fai ensconced in Kurogane's arms, the two twisted against their seatbelts in the most comfortable and intimate embrace they could share in the car.

They were relaxed until they woke up stiff and antsy, playing word games and singing songs loudly—and purposely off tune— until they reached their destination, boredom quickly setting in.

The house was _huge_. It was old, with lightly faded blue paneling and slate colored framing, but it was cozy looking. It was surrounded by all sorts of vegetation, walled off little gardens outside of certain rooms.

Fai and Kurogane got one of those rooms. It was a cute room, large and airy, decorated in a nautical theme. The walls were a crisp white, the ceiling painted a frothy blue, similar to the sky early morning. Fai spread his arms out, spinning a little, "Oh, it's so pretty," he murmured. "All the colors seem to be so much more… colorful." Kurogane snorted at the blonde's redundancy, dropping their stuff onto the floor.

Fai skittered to save his bags from the same fate as Kurogane's, then looked around, frowning, "Hey, where's the bed?" Kurogane pointed to a sofa-type thing, a little longer and wider than a normal couch.

"It's a futon."

"It's so _small_," Fai murmured, blinking. He stood in front of the futon, staring at it as if it were to grow simply by his stare. It was the same look cats gave closed doors.

"It's the same size as my couch, width wise," the sophomore commented, walking up behind Fai.

"We can't fit on that, not both of us together."

"Yet we manage to sleep together on my sofa just fine," Kurogane grumbled dryly, wrapping his arms around Fai's slender waist, his hands creeping up the boy's shirt, warm and dry against the blonde's stomach.

"Oooh, like _that_," Fai giggled, leaning back into his boyfriend. "I see now."

"And besides, futons fold out into double beds—that's what we have back home."

"Mm," Fai tipped his head back, looking up at Kurogane, "Which would you rather do?"

"You really don't want me to answer that," the rising-junior retorted, in a tone that rather suggested that all he really wanted to do was press Fai against the wall and…

A smile crept across Fai's lips, and turned, kissing Kurogane gently, "Well, this may be a vacation, but we can still do some hard work," he said blushingly.

The raven-haired teen's hands fell to Fai's ass, and as he was about to lean down to steal another, possibly deeper kiss, the blonde grinned and yanked away, gluing himself to the nearby window; "Oooh, look! Sakura and Watanuki are already at the beach! Can we go, huh? Please?!"

Kurogane groaned, nodding. "Yeah, of course. That's why we're here, aren't we?"

Fai smiled softly, feeling bad from pulling himself away from Kurogane; he ignored it. He would forget that brief moment of terror that ripped through him as his boyfriend touched him. It was nothing—it was just the new environment.

New places had always made him skittish—after all, for the better part of his first decade, he'd never seen anything outside of the basement's four walls and glimmers of snow-covered valleys.

**XxXxXxX**

"Yeeee-ow!" Fai whined, wincing as Kurogane laid his hands against his shoulders. Fai, who was normally the color of ivory, was splotched pink. His back was the worst, an angry red that was hot to the touch. His face was spotted with a little color, and the tops of his ears were dark too.

Kurogane parted Fai's hair with his hands, strands of damp, salty gold adhering to his hands; "You managed not to burn your scalp—that's good," he murmured gently. "Sit."

Fai sat down on the side of the bathtub, Kurogane kneeling in front of him, surveying the damage. He ran his hands down the underside of Fai's legs, the blonde wincing as Kurogane hit the warm patches on the back of his knees. The only part of Fai's body that wasn't burned was his front, which was rather funny. "Jesus, Fai, ever heard of sunscreen?"

Fai flushed, "I did," he murmured, "I used 50." Kurogane snickered a little at this, then he stopped, watching the tears form in Fai's eyes. _Poor kid_, he conceded, _first full day and he gets burned. _

"Hold on," Kurogane said, rising. He left their room for a few minutes, returning with a bottle of green gel and a glass of water. He handed Fai the glass, then handed him four small pills, three a dark red, and the other a capsule of pink and white. "Take these."

"What are they?"

"Advil and Benadryl," Kurogane said; "Which reminds me, did you take your meds today?"

"Uh, yeah," Fai lied, quickly popping the pills into his mouth before Kurogane could pick up on the lie.

Kurogane nodded, reaching around Fai to turn on the cold water, "It's good they managed to find a good combination for you; I was worried—remember how sick the other meds made you? The ones you're on now barely have any side effects at all," he mused.

Fai nodded, trembling quietly. "So, um, what now?"

"Get your little butt in the shower. You're sandier than the beach itself."

Fai winced as he moved, looking pitifully at his boyfriend. "Help?" he murmured expectantly.

Kurogane groaned; he could never say no to Fai's abandoned-puppy face, with the sparkling doe eyes and trembling lips—that face made Kurogane want to hand Fai the world and more on a silver platter. It was a feeling of wanting to protect him until everything was rainbows and butterflies for the blonde. It made him feel completely helpless. What was worse was… Fai used it to his advantage.

"Don't blame me if it ends up in bed," grumbled Kurogane, stepping—though fully clothed—into the shower with Fai, who—thankfully—kept his swim shorts on. He reached around the pitiful boy (who was suddenly looking less and less pitiful) and switched on the shower.

"Did you enjoy it as much as it seemed?" Kurogane asked. He'd volunteered to help Sakura teach Fai to swim, but had been completely shooed away by the younger girl and her boyfriend. He had ended up spending his time watching the two with Syaoron, and in the end, he and his fellow kendo-member had engaged in a full on beach-volleyball battle with Watanuki and Doumeki. Fai had barely even left the water; Sakura had to drag him out for lunch and a rest.

They stayed on the beach the entire day, up until the sunset. Their day ended with Clow beckoning them towards the house with promise of food and drink. It was at dinner, surrounded by mosquito repellant-candles, moths, and the sounds of the surf and natural wildlife, that he found that his boyfriend had been burned to what seemed like a crisp, and was trying, mostly in vain, to keep himself upright.

"Yeah," Fai said enthusiastically, leaning back into Kurogane, literally begging for something to happen. "I'm gonna do it again tomorrow!"

"No you're not—tomorrow, you're going to take it easy and relax. And keep a shirt on tomorrow. You won't enjoy it if you get sun poisoned the first full day of the beach," Kurogane advised, pressing his face into Fai's hair, breathing deep. The smell of salt and sunscreen overrode the soft smell of the vanilla amber soap the blonde always used, but the undercurrent of Fai was still there; he reached out, hugging the supple body to his own.

"Mmn, maybe," Fai murmured, greatly subdued. The water washed over their heads, dirt, salt, and sand sliding away from their bodies.

When the electricity between them built to the point of burning Kurogane's skin, itching him to slide his hands lower, he pulled away. It wasn't the time or place. Fai looked over his shoulder, frowning softly.

Kurogane swallowed, averting his eyes, picking up Fai's bottle of shampoo; "Come here, I'll do it for you."

Something was up with the smaller boy, he knew it. He didn't want to press it; the happiness they had built was at best, tenuous. It was something beautiful, yes, but like a piece of glass touched by light—one move, and it would shatter into a million pieces. One wrong move and _Fai_ would shatter. The old fragility of their first few months was returning, despite all their moves to make it better. Something was coming back to haunt the blonde boy—he could see it in those beautiful blue eyes, and Kurogane would be damned before he'd let it terrorize Fai again.

Fai closed his eyes, leaning back as Kurogane began to work shampoo into his hair. Something was lurking. He couldn't pinpoint what—it was a soft, insistent feeling in the back of his head, nagging at him. It was an odd feeling—it directed him at times, yanking him away from his boyfriend and his friends. It was a being separate from himself…something… not right. He sighed slowly, pushing the matter from his mind, feeling Kurogane's fingers rub into his scalp.

Fai sighed in content, feeling Kurogane carefully and gently wash him; it was a new feeling. They'd always made it a point to shower separately for whatever reasons, but Fai had to admit, even though the water was too cold, it was a very pleasant experience.

Kurogane was careful not to press too hard against Fai's scorched skin, treating him like the delicacy he was. He wiped away all the sand and grit from the blonde's body, suppressing his own urges. He stopped once Fai was covered, head to toe, in suds; he unhooked the shower head, rinsing the boy off. "Get yourself out and dry off carefully," Kurogane instructed, gently nudging the back of Fai's thigh with his knee.

"Why?"

"I need to wash, too. I'm covered in sand and sweat."

Fai stared up at him, "I could—"

"No," Kurogane said gently, "Dry yourself off."

Fai clamored out of the shower, dripping water everywhere. Kurogane chuckled, sliding the frosted curtain closed behind the blonde.

Fai fidgeted, looking rather helpless. "Uhm… should I get our clothes?" he asked, blushing softly as Kurogane began to strip inside the shower. He watched his boyfriend's silhouette hungrily.

"Yeah, just get the pants for me; you might want to forgo a shirt as well."

He heard Fai's damp footsteps pad away and he sighed, leaning against the wall. Fai was too damn cute for his own good. Helpless as well. He quickly washed himself, not even bothering to switch soaps—so he'd smell like Fai for a day, girly, but there were worse fates.

He stepped out of the shower, quickly wrapping himself in a towel, avoiding Fai's stares. He pulled his clothes on, cloth sticking to his still damp skin. He turned to the blonde, still dripping and half-dressed in a pair of Kurogane's mesh shorts (he had a habit of doing that), staring up at him with puppy eyes. He groaned. "You're not going to do anything are you?"

Fai tipped his head to the side, "Whatcha mean?" he chirped. Kurogane sighed, reaching for another towel, draping it over Fai's head.

"I mean you want me to mother you all night, don't you?"

Fai's spine stiffened, his fingers shaking as they curled into his palm, "No…"

"What's wrong?"

Fai peeked out from under the towels, "But it hurts, Kuro-tan!" he whined sweetly, a wide grin across his lips.

Kurogane ground the towel into Fai's hair in irritation, "Now we're back to _that_?!" he demanded, "I told you to stop with all the stupid nicknames ages ago!"

"Aw, but you don't mind when I call you Kuro-sama," Fai teased, leaning up with a wide, smug, smirk; "Is that because it's what I say when we're in _bed_?"

"Oi, shut it," Kurogane growled, scuffing the towel into Fai's hair a little more viciously than necessary. He was glad for the cover that the towel provided, for he could feel his cheeks flushing horribly.

Fai gave a half-whine, batting at Kurogane's arms, "It's dry, it's dry!"

Kurogane rolled his eyes, easing up; "You sound like you feel better."

"A little," Fai confessed. Kurogane removed the towel from the boy's head, blonde hair flying in all directions. Fai smoothed it self-consciously as the elder teen surveyed the blonde.

Fai's back had faded from the angry red color to a light pink; "Looks like the cold water helped you out," Kurogane remarked. He picked up the bottle of green gel, "Turn around," he ordered as he uncapped it.

"Eh?" Fai blinked, but did as he was told. A few seconds later, Kurogane's hands found Fai's back, covered in a cold, slippery substance. Fai shuddered, almost groaning in delight, "That feels _so_ good," he breathed, "Whatever it is, I'm going to kiss you for it."

Kurogane laughed, rubbing the stuff into Fai's burnt skin; "It's just aloe gel; Yuuko put it in the fridge so it would be cold. With this and a lot more sunscreen, you should be fine. Maybe you'll get a tan…?" he teased, tweaking Fai on the back of the ear with a slippery finger.

"I like being pale!" Fai complained.

Kurogane leaned down, kissing the curve of the blonde's neck, breathing in his boyfriend's damp scent; "I do too," he purred. A shiver ran down Fai's spine as gooseflesh rose on his arms.

The athlete stood, capping the bottle; "Done," he said. "The burns on the back of your legs aren't even visible anymore; though, I'm warning you, they'll be tender for a bit. Your back got the worst of it."

"Guess I wasn't born to be a fish," Fai said dryly, standing a little unsteadily. He yawned widely, his back popping as he stretched.

Kurogane swallowed heavily; "Oi, put a damn shirt on," he commanded, trying to ignore his growing desire. For whatever reason, it was harder to ignore here, like the new places made him forget himself. He followed Fai into their dark room, half thankful for the lack of the light, half cursing it.

Fai grumbled something in reply, choosing to instead fall onto the bed, wincing as his back hit the sheets; "Nyaaah! That hurts!"

"Duh." Kurogane climbed on the bed, hovering over his boyfriend, "Maybe it would be easier tonight to pull it out to a full bed?"

"I'm so tired, though…"

Kurogane shrugged, nudging Fai to the side. He lay with his back to the room, Fai snug between him and the back of the bed, for the rising-sophomore often tossed and turned in the night—this would ensure he'd not fall off. "It would be more comfortable for your back."

Fai sighed gently, his breath hot against Kurogane's neck. It made shivers and gooseflesh run down the athlete's skin. The blonde shifted softly, his chest rubbing against the elder teen's and Kurogane growled; "Fai, you're not making this easy."

"What?"

Kurogane growled, tugging Fai close, "Nothing."

"Ah… Kuro-sama," Fai murmured breathlessly, nuzzling against Kurogane's neck.

He felt Kurogane's Adam's apple bob as he swallowed, "No…" he grumbled quietly, hugging Fai tightly, the boy's hips flat against his own. He curled against he boy, pushing him gently against the back of the bed, his mouth pressed gently to Fai's temple. He could feel the blonde's face heating beneath his lips.

Fai squirmed closer, wrapping his legs around Kurogane's waist, pressing his bare thighs close against the hot flesh. "No what…?"

"I just… want to stay like this…"

Fai groaned quietly, snuggling into Kurogane's chest, his head tucked elegantly into the curve of the teen's collar; "Yeah…"

Kurogane wrapped his arms around Fai's waist, pulling him close, reveling at the way their bodies melded together perfectly. He could feel the slighter teen's heart against his chest, the way his body arched and curved in all the right places, the way Fai curled his fingers against the muscles of his arms. He wanted to spend forever like this. "Damn, you fit so _right_."

"What?"

Kurogane squeezed the blonde, clearing his throat softly. He hadn't meant to say it aloud. His face heated, "In the locker room, the guys always talk about their girlfriends and how girls fit perfectly against them," he explained embarrassedly. "I disagree."

Fai raised an eyebrow, smirking against Kurogane's throat; "I've never heard this."

"You change in the bathrooms, remember?"

"Ah, well, do tell."

"You fit perfectly."

"I'm glad," Fai breathed; he was so happy here in Kurogane's arms. The feeling made him woozy, and his heart seemed to burst in joy. His eyes slid closed, "…'M so tired," he yawned, cuddling. "G'nite…"

Kurogane felt his lips curve into a smile as he lay his head in Fai's hair, "Good night," he said softly, an uncharacteristic wave of tenderness swallowing him whole.

**XxXxXxX**

_The bad thing about sleeping in a folded futon,_ Kurogane mused, _is waking up like this…_

A precarious situation indeed. Kurogane slowly tried to slide away from Fai so he could turn to the side, but the boy clung closer, mewling softly in his sleep.

Kurogane grit his teeth, feeling his erection throb as Fai unwittingly rubbed against him.

He didn't have the heart to wake the blonde up; Fai had been so tired when they had gone to bed. Waking him now for sex would be unfair to the exhausted teen, and if he unwound himself from the tangle of arms, legs, and sheets, Fai would wake up anyway.

_Fuck_.

He dug his nails into the bed and hoped that whatever dream Fai was having would subside long enough that he would stop squirming…

**XxXxXxX**

When Kurogane awoke again, the room was lit with sunlight, and he was sprawled out across the small space, sticky with sweat, and in some places, cum. He sat up slowly, frowning softly as he found Fai to be missing. He cast a glance at the bathroom door, which was closed, a soft light shining out from the cracks in the door.

He slid out of bed, pulling his pants off, sighing irritably at the mess he'd managed to make of them. He walked up to the bathroom door, knocking; "Fai?" he called.

The blonde didn't answer, but the door creaked open a bit. He stuck his head inside, "Oi!" Fai wasn't in the bathroom. He stepped inside, scratching his head. "Where'd he go?"

A soft breeze fluttered around his ankles, catching his attention. He turned his gaze to a small door covered with a light green curtain, which was halfway drawn. Kurogane pushed his way through, emerging in a small garden filled with roses, hibiscus, and other greenery. The dusky morning air was filled with the soft murmurings of running water and Fai's humming. In the far corner of the garden was an outdoor shower, pouring water on the golden-haired figure underneath.

And that was all it took—all the blood seemed to rush to his head, then to his lower stomach. He stepped forward, his hands outstretched. He caught Fai round the waist, pulling the boy backwards.

Fai stumbled back, his feet hitting the springy grass, blinking stupidly for a second; "K-Kurogane?" He craned his neck, looking up at his boyfriend through drenched bangs. Kurogane growled, kissing the sopping blonde hungrily. His hands slid down Fai's stomach, cradling the boy's balls in his fingers, grinding his now half-hardened erection to Fai's unclothed ass.

Fai squeaked, trembling heavily at the sudden onslaught of pleasurable stimulation. "Ghn!! Ah, Kuro-sa…_ah_!"

As of that moment, Kurogane could think of nothing more than taking the beauty he'd captured; all coherent thought but the need to pound into Fai's lithe, hot body had left him as soon as he'd seen Fai under that shower, open and exposed to the early-morning air.

Underneath Kurogane's kisses and skilled fingers, Fai quickly turned into a quivering mass of desire. He arched against Kurogane's hands, now roughly working on his hardening length, whimpering as his boyfriend's hips followed his own; Kurogane's still clothed erection rubbed against his entrance.

One hand left Fai's growing erection, sliding deliberately up and across the boy's stomach, kneading the damp flesh. Kurogane thrust his hips forward, grinding into the soft flesh between Fai's legs, feeling both the friction of his boxers caused as well as Fai's desperate trembling as the boy leant back, his legs spreading slightly to catch the action.

Fai groaned as Kurogane's broad hands pressed against his chest, pushing him up and back against his boyfriend. He hadn't realized that he'd almost bent himself double in his need to feel Kurogane behind him.

The elder teen began to rub and pluck at Fai's already hardened nipples, earning strangled moans of pleasure.

Fai gasped for breath, his chest heaving underneath Kurogane's strong hand. He saw white, his legs quivering, stomach tensing after a particularly rough jerk of his boyfriend's hand. He almost screamed in wanton pleasure, succumbing to the sensations.

Precum coated Kurogane's hand; semen quickly leaking from Fai's reddened, straining cock. "Not yet, not yet," he growled, grinding into the damp heat between the globes of Fai's ass; he rubbed his thumb against the slid, seed dripping from his wrist. "Not until I'm inside of you."

Fai gasped, his jaw slack. His entire body tensed as he fought against his eminent orgasm—he was losing terribly. "Ah… I… ca… _ah_… n't… Nnng! I _need _you, _now_!!" he begged, pushing back against Kurogane's member, bracing his legs apart, shaking in effort. His hands scrabbled from Kurogane's arms, where he had previously been clutching, to grab at the elder's underwear. "I need you in me!"

Kurogane hissed in pleasure, holding Fai up with the hand on his chest, feeling Fai's heart race. He stripped off his boxers, grabbing Fai's hips. "I don't have any lube," he warned, his erection aching with the desire to fuck Fai until the boy collapsed in pleasure.

"Go," Fai moaned, pushing himself back onto Kurogane's weeping member. Kurogane thrust forward, completely embedding himself inside of the blonde, his precum slightly easing the process. Fai groaned, convulsing as his orgasm took him violently.

Kurogane growled, Fai's hot inner walls clenching tightly around his aching cock.

"Dammit, _move_," Fai moaned, pushing back against the elder's hips. "Ahng!"

Kurogane closed his fingers tightly around Fai's bony hips, pulling him as close as possible, straining to penetrate the boy deep. Slowly, he pulled himself almost completely out, then slammed into Fai, as deep as possible.

Fai gave a half-keening scream, nearly collapsing on the spot. Shudders ran down his spine, his still-hard and aching member twitching in excitement. The sheer pleasure of the feeling was enough to drown in; he was suffocating in it—he could barely breathe at all, air escaping with heavy moans and strangled cries. Another thrust brought Kurogane to Fai's prostate, causing Fai to hit a second high, throwing back his head, his throat convulsing in a silent scream of pleasure; his legs gave out from under him, dropping against Kurogane's tight grip.

Kurogane held Fai up, the blonde bent over his arms, trembling and pushing back against each new thrust and grind, moaning as he deliberately clenched himself, pulling Kurogane deeper into his body.

Fai gasped desperately for air, saliva trailing down his chin to mix with sweat and water, his hands scrambling to dig into Kurogane's arms. The air was growing hot and sticky, silent save for the sounds of flesh against flesh, frenzied gaps, and fevered moans. Kurogane groaned, feeling himself growing close to climax, thrusting violently into the boy, grinding frantically.

Fai shuddered, the vibrations settling deep in his stomach. His vision faded away to white and black spots, the world around him fading away until Kurogane was the only thing he was aware of: his arms, strong around his waist; his hands, kneading into his thighs and stomach; his cock, buried deep in his body, grinding against his prostate. It was a completely new sensation, one of complete and total desire and lust—but at the same time, of togetherness—it was only at times like this that Fai felt whole.

He leaned back, tightening around Kurogane's erection, moaning deeply at the feel of the elder teen inside of him. He could feel Kurogane shaking, breath coming in hot, ragged gusts against his neck.

With a heavy moan and a last, hard, deep thrust, Kurogane came, fiery seed filling the deepest parts of the ravished blonde. Kurogane could feel semen leaking from Fai's entrance as he knelt down, allowing his weak knees to finally give away.

Fai shuddered as Kurogane pulled away, the suckling noise causing him to flush a deep red over his entire body. He fell forwards onto his hands and knees, trying desperately to surface from the high.

Kurogane leaned over Fai, running his hands over the boy's damp back, soothing him softly. He winced as his gaze was caught by Fai's backside, his seed trickling down the blonde's thighs, tinted pink with blood.

He grit his teeth; he hadn't even thought about the prospect of hurting Fai, just fucking him senseless. He stood slowly on shaking legs, lifting Fai's limp body, cradling him against his chest.

Fai pressed his face up to Kurogane's neck, the elder's pulse still erratic against his cheek, his breath catching still. He moaned softly—he'd never felt so good, thoroughly claimed. Even though it had been violent, there was still a level of devotion in Kurogane that kept the bad memories from surfacing, that kept the lust from feeling mindless, that made him feel wanted. He almost preferred this passionate side of Kurogane to the side that showered him with slow, gentle movement, like their previous sexual encounters. It was a wonderful feeling to be needed so fiercely.

Kurogane entered their room, pushing the curtain back slowly, fabric sticking to his sweat slicked arms. He carried Fai to the futon, placing him gently on the sheets. He turned to leave, turmoil apparent in his hooded eyes.

Fai whimpered, grabbing Kurogane's wrist; "Don't leave," he begged hoarsely, "Stay, please…"

"I hurt you," Kurogane muttered, evidently disgusted with himself. Even so, he knelt down next to the futon, leaning his head against Fai's chest.

Fai shivered as they lay like that for the longest time. "I'm cold," he murmured finally, "Come here. Keep me warm."

Kurogane climbed onto the bed, pulling Fai into his arms. Fai folded himself against Kurogane's body, guilty for enjoying the thing that caused Kurogane pain. He regretted seeing the elder teen, normally so proud, so apologetic and subservient—like a kicked puppy. He tipped his head up, kissing Kurogane gently.

He smiled tiredly, his eyes drooping closed, "Don't worry," he murmured, stroking Kurogane's cheek with a limp hand.

Kurogane pressed his face to Fai's neck as the boy closed his eyes sleepily. Fai felt Kurogane's lips move against his skin as he heard a mumbling that sounded eerily like 'I love you, Fai', but Fai was too exhausted to take stock in it and all he remembered when he awoke was the stabbing pain of white-hot guilt flashing through an aching black heart.


	26. Lesson Thirteen: Indian Summer, Part Two

**A/N: **_Ashura… isn't as bad as he seems guys. (I think I just **heard** you roll your eyes at me!) He's just… Er, well, you'll guys will find out eventually. (I actually like him too much to make him completely evil…He's not a bad guy, really.) The scene on the beach was a request from my friend Hannah—she asked for it in the middle of prom. My date, who's staunchly opposed to KuroFai, was like "Great; we can't even go to _prom_ without those two! They were never meant to be together!" (Funnily enough I had dragons and phoenixes on my dress...Hee hee.) Oh, Anath-san… Anath-san… Your rose fetish has rubbed off on me. _T_T _**Waaaaiii**? (Well, it's not like I hated roses to begin with *adores them*) /_ _*laughing hysterically* Clow, with a beach ball! Clow!! Er, there's more at the end. Even my A/N's are getting longwinded. _

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson Thirteen: **_Indian Summer, Part Two_

"_Y'know, I've been thinking—"_

"_Oh, my! __**My**__ Kuro-sama, __**think**__?" _

_Kurogane scowled, "If you weren't in the hospital I would smack you for that," he growled. _

_A soft laugh, slightly nervous, echoed through the room, "You wouldn't," he murmured softly, "You're too… too… __**kind**__ for that." _

"_Don't know about __**that**__. …But anyway, I've been thinking… why __**do**__ you do it?" _

"_Mm? 'It'? Oh… I suppose you mean…?" _

"_Hn." An affirmative nod. _

_He sighed, "…Because… I deserve the pain. It's a punishment for me… it's what I pay, in order to live." _

"…_No one deserves what you're doing to yourself." _

"_That's where you're wrong, Kurogane-kun," a deep voice drawled, soft and sweet; honeyed poison. _

_Fai shrank back into the bed, shaking and covering his ears like a small child, the beginnings of hysteria setting in. "No, no, __**no**__! Don't listen to him! Kuro-sama, don't listen to him, he's lying, lying!" _

"_Oh, but you see, I've only ever told the truth, my darling, deluded, little boy," Ashura hissed, suddenly right beside Kurogane. His voice cut through Fai's pleading, horrible and pleasant all at once, seducing all who heard him. "Oh, Kurogane-kun, if only you knew how badly my child has led you astray… You have dreams of _possessing_ him, of making _love_ to him, of saving that pitiful existence of his, don't you?" he cooed, cupping the athlete's cheeks. _

_Fai watched in horror as Kurogane frowned slightly, "'Course I do—I _**love**_ him." _

"_And because you "love" him, you want him, that soft little innocent creature that sits in the bed before you? You think he's fragile, that he's broken, that he's so pure that he doesn't deserve anything that's been placed upon him?" _

"_Kuro-sama, don't listen to him! __**Please**__, don't! __**Dear god**__, whatever you do, don't listen to him! PLEASE!" _

"_Well, I'm sorry boy, but my son is anything but innocent," Ashura hissed, grabbing Kurogane by the lapels, lifting him until they were eye to eye, "He's nothing but a disgusting little murderous __**fuck**__. His mother went insane because of him, the little brat; his brother died because he was a coward, and he pins the entire thing on me." _

_Disgust slowly entered Kurogane's crimson eyes, which darted from the malicious man in front of him to Fai, then back again, slowly becoming farther and farther away from the blonde boy. _

"_No… no, no! Stop it! __**Stop it**__! _**YOU CAN'T TAKE MY KURO-SAMA AWAY FROM ME**_**!"**_

_And like that, Kurogane was gone; Ashura hovered over Fai, pushing him back onto the bed, "_Yours_? As if you could truly have him—you can't have anyone… You, my dear, are mine," he whispered, his voice soft and slow, like the hissing of a snake coercing its prey to its coils. His mouth covered Fai's, muffling the screams as he took the boy beneath him. _

_Fai lay afterwards, broken, bleeding; his chest heaved with sobs, wrenching his existence apart as his eyes opened to find Kurogane staring at him. _

_Ashura stood at the foot of his bed, like he hadn't just raped the life he should've nurtured, a small blonde cuddled to his side, eyes wide with hate towards his mirror. _

"_You took everything away from me," it hissed. _

"_Now I'll take everything back," Ashura gloated. "Everything that should have been this boy's will be taken from you…" _

**XxXxXxX**

It was one of the things that he never thought he would ever say ever again once his parents passed. And the years afterwards, as he dissolved into cold hatred and rage, it seemed like he never would even be able to.

Then, he wasn't capable of loving someone; he didn't understand anything at all back then. Even now, he didn't. He didn't know why he woke up every morning, or why the world didn't cease turning when he thought it would. He didn't know himself and he sure as hell didn't know why he was born to the bleak, barren world.

But that was changing—_he _was changing. Slowly, kindness was becoming more and more inherent to his day, and it was odd.

Fai was… an odd little thing, all broken smiles and soulful eyes. Those eyes… pined away sometimes, clawing into something that wasn't even real—or if it was, it was miles away, untouchable.

His heart broke for the little blonde. There was something in that face, those delicate cheeks and pointed nose, long lashes and plump lips that made him want to throw the entire world aside until it was only the two of them.

Fai… made him do things he would never do. Fai… made him say things he would never say. The words and actions came tumbling out without any thought at all.

Like, this morning for example.

As he and Fai became adjusted to their newly deepened relationship early that summer, Kurogane had done some thinking. Considering Fai's earlier behavior, Kurogane was fairly certain the blonde had either been in an abusive situation or he'd been raped—after coming to this conclusion, he'd always taken extra caution to be gentle with the boy.

That went down the drain quite easily.

He had also come to terms with the fact that he'd fallen deeply in love with the younger teen. It was a realization that was hard in coming, but something had broken within him recently. Some sort of barrier had fallen away with Fai's heartwarming, yet so brokenhearted, smiles; they fueled such an overwhelming desire to protect…

He wanted to hold Fai close, keep it so that he could always smile like that, so that the bitter loneliness that sometimes crept into his eyes would always vanish. He wanted to be the one who healed those wounds, who soothed all the fears away; he wanted to be the one that Fai came running to.

It was such a strong compulsion—he'd always felt it towards Fai. It caused him to do some crazy things, like getting into a car with a stranger or kissing said stranger out in the snow. It compelled him to cherish, but at the same time to beat the boy bloody. Sometimes… he wanted to hurt Fai; the depths of this desire shocked and frightened him to his core. There were times where he wanted to see blood on that pale face, rolling like slow tears. He wanted to see that Fai belonged to him.

It scared him. It took over him.

It wasn't the type of love he wanted to act upon.

**XxXxXxX**

"_I love you, Fai." _

_Wrong. That was wrong. No. It shouldn't happen. He shouldn't be hearing those words from Kurogane. _

_It tore at his heart, ripping him to shreds. He could feel the blood pouring, out onto his outstretched hands. He reached out, touching Kurogane's face with trembling fingers, smearing blood across the coffee skin. Who's blood? _**Who's blood?**

_He shook his head, staring into crimson eyes; "You can't." _

"_Do you?" _

_He dropped his head into the blood-covered hands. "Gods, gods, I love you," he sobbed. _

_Cold hands fastened themselves onto his shoulders, "Liar. You liar, Yuui," his father hissed. "You're running away again." _

"_No… no…" _

"_Once upon a time, you swore you loved me. You promised me you'd love me best, Yuui," Ashura cried, "My precious son, you promised me you'd always love me best." _

_He pulled Fai to his feet, staring at Kurogane murderously. He tugged Fai to his chest, holding him tightly, much like Kurogane often held Fai. The blonde shook his head, crying brokenly. _

"_You still love me __**best**__, don't you?" _

"_No, no… no…" _

"_You little whore—you'd give yourself to anyone who'd be willing to fuck you senseless, wouldn't you!? You'd do anything to be taken until you bled. Love has nothing to do with it—you're just a little slut… I bet you would keep your promise if he wasn't around?" _

"_No, no!" _

_And suddenly, he knew whose blood was on his hands. He knelt in the graveyard, tangled up in a net of bloodied roses, thorns digging into him. Crosses marked the way, vines and bushes crawling like skeletal hands to grab him. Skulls of bleached and broken stems stared at him, maws red with petals. His hands were bound together in eternal prayer, soaked with blood from wounds that seeped his tears. The ground was black, tombstones of stark marble towering from the endless earth, weeping flowers that mourned all. _

_The names were carved into every blossom, velvet swirls cradling every letter, blood seeping from the epicenter of every bud, dripping slowly into his body from the IVs of thorns. The cloistering smell of death filed his nose. _

_A graveyard of old. Flowers of sorrow. _

"_I don't! I don't!" he screamed, struggling against the graveyard's hold on the person he loved most. His eyes fixated on the silhouette of his father; "I don't love him! I love you best! I swear!" his voice cracked and broke with his rising sobs, "Don't! Leave him alone! I can't love him! I promised you, didn't I?!" _

_He knew it would eventually happen. Eventually, he knew… ever since the day he'd fallen in love with Kurogane—he knew the elder would eventually love him to… and would die for it. Guilt-ridden cries broke his body as he fell into the grasp of the graves, blood flowing into him and out of his tears. _

"_Please don't hurt him!" He sobbed into the ground, vines pulling his arms painfully behind him; "Please, anything but that… don't kill Kuro-sama!" _

**XxXxXxX**

Fai shifted slightly, groaning in pain. Kurogane winced, slowly sliding to the side of the bed. Absently, he trailed his fingers against the boy's sweat-slicked face. His eyes surveyed the damage he'd caused.

Red and swollen lips trembled, and dark purple hickeys marked their way against Fai's slender neck and small shoulders, blood dusting a few; bruises across his lower and hips were perfect matches to Kurogane's own fingers, complete with small, inflamed crescents where his nails had dug mercilessly into the boy's skin. Guilt rose in him at the sight of these alone, but it was nothing compared to the maelstrom that rose in him at the lines of dried blood that coated the insides of Fai's slender thighs.

Kurogane grunted as he stood, turning his back to his petite boyfriend. Against the sheets in the state he was in, Fai looked even more fragile than normal, wavering in his sleep. He grabbed his clothes from a bag, then stepped into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind him.

He showered and dressed, and was done with this.

**XxXxXxX**

_Not a dream… no… a memory… _

"_Everyone you know now, everyone you've ever met, all your family… you're going to have to give it up," Ohjiro said softly, kneeling before a little blonde who clutched a ragged, slightly blood-stained sheep with large eyes._

_Sorrow tinged the little boy's blue eyes; Ohjiro had a hard time believing his little ward was only nine. Chitose sighed, "I'm not sure if he understands," the lawyer murmured. _

"_No, you understand, don't you Yuui?" _

"_Did I do something bad?" the little boy asked, "Was it bad to tell them what papa did?" Tears rimmed his eyes, dusting his lashes; "Bu-but he killed momma and Fai!" he sniffled, "He told me he loved them, but when I said I did too, he killed them!" he hiccupped, "He's gonna kill me to 'cause I loved them too!" _

_Ohjiro gently petted Yuui's hair; the boy recoiled at the touch, clutching the bloody doll even tighter. "Why?! Why can't I see Auntie anymore?! Or Yuzuki-chan? Why did Eagle-chan hit me?!" _

"_You can't talk to them anymore because it's not safe," Ohjiro explained softly. He cupped Yuui's cheeks, brushing the little boy's tears away. His heart broke for the little boy—Yuui's innocence was still barely intact, and he'd have to be the one to rip that last thread away. "There are people who want you dead, and to keep you and your family safe, you can't talk to them ever again. You're going to move far away from here, and have a new name and family. It will be better. But you'll have to be careful, or else it will be very, very dangerous." _

_Yuui trembled; "If I love anyone else, papa will hurt them too, won't he? I can't ever get close to nobody can I? I can't tell them, can I?" _

"_No, you can't." _

_Tears streamed down the little boy's face, his breath shuddering softly, his hands clutched tightly to the little sheep._

_How does one explain to a little child that they didn't mean, 'No, you can never say you love anyone', but instead meant 'Please be careful with who you do love'; that their beloved parent was wrong—that a family didn't die because they loved their little boy… _

_You don't. _

**XxXxXxX**

"It's really sad that Fai-san's sick," Sakura sighed, tucking her chin against her knees, idly watching Shaoran and Kurogane yell at each other over who's fault the popped volleyball was.

"It sure put Kurogane-san in a bad mood," Watanuki grumbled, flipping a page of his book, laid out on his stomach under the beach umbrella. "Speaking of sour moods, what's Syaoron's deal?"

Sakura sighed again, "…We had a fight, I think."

"You think? You and he get along just fine—better than fine, actually."

"Not lately," Sakura mumbled, "Ever since I talked to him about my fight with Fai-san, he's been distant. A little more than distant, actually… Like he doesn't want to talk to me."

"Huh, that's interesting."

Sakura rose slowly, dusting the sand from her knees, smoothing out her swim skirt, "I'm going to go inside for a bit," she said, "Go check up on Fai-san."

Watanuki nodded, "While you're at it, go make sure Doumeki hasn't gotten into the food I made for dinner, will you?"

Sakura laughed, trotting off.

Truth was, Syaoron's distance bothered her; they'd always been close, her and the Li twins. Even when she and Shaoran were awkward around each other, Syaoron was always friendly. It hurt to be losing him like this. Something was wrong, she could feel it.

**XxXxXxX**

_His mother's voice filled his mind, telling the old story, over and over… His brother tugged on his hand, then the room filled with blood. Over and over. Over and over. Over and over and over again…_

_He couldn't wake up. No matter how he struggled from dream to dream, he couldn't wake. It had been months, ages, since he'd had terrors such as these, reducing him to a screaming, bleeding dreamself. There was no comforting hand to pull him out. Where was his island? Where was his rock? _

Heavy eyes fluttered open. His entire body twinged with a soft heat, his joints creaking as he struggled upwards; pain twisted up his spine as he put weight on his sore bottom. He hissed gently—it hurt, his muscles rioted, his body ached, but at the same time, his body was full with a feeling of stated completeness. That feeling lasted for a second, a second of pure, warm bliss that colored the world peach, filling his mouth with the sugary taste of pure joy. But then he realized the place next to him, the place where Kurogane should have been, was vacant and cold.

It drained away, leaving his vision with a stark coldness, his taste washing from sweet syrup to an acrid metallic taste of fear and sorrow. He knew the words murmured against his chest; he knew what he had brought into the world.

He cast his eyes about the room—he needed him; he was desperate for his anchor…

_Oh, where was Kurogane?!_

**XxXxXxX**

It was late afternoon when he finally ventured back into the summer house. He was hot, sandy, and salty; his clothes stuck to him in weird places, his feet were sore from scalding sand and stepping in a patch of sand-burrs; his face was hot and felt like it had been burnt and he was mad. Well, not exactly mad, simply irritated at himself. He was worried, too.

He stalked down the hallway, squinting in the dim lighting. In front of the door to his and Fai's room, stood Sakura, pacing back and forth, twisting her hands. He stopped at the head of the hallway, watching her in interest. Every now and again she'd stop and reach out like she was about to open the door, but her hand would falter. She'd pull it back to her chest and resume pacing, repeating the process.

"Oi," Kurogane snapped, walking up to the girl, "Is there a problem…?"

"Uh! I… I… just… wanted to… come and check on Fai-san," she murmured, turning her eyes to the door. "You… said he was sick, right?"

"Yeah," Kurogane hedged, "He overdid it."

"I… just… wanted to see if he was okay, maybe keep him company since he insisted you go out—he did, right?"

Kurogane nodded.

"Yeah," the girl murmured, babbling quietly on, "See if he wanted anything. Maybe we could sit and play a game or something…"

"Then go in already," Kurogane snarled, Sakura's indecisiveness wearing on his nerves.

Sakura jumped slightly, then wilted. "I… I can't."

"The door locked?"

"I… don't know."

"Then why can't you get in?"

"…I… I can't bring myself to open the door, you see," the girl admitted, her cheeks coloring in shame. "I'm scared… I'm scared that… I'll open the door and see blood on the sheets… like that time…Even though he promised us he wouldn't… I'm _scared_!"

Kurogane started, then nodded quietly; "I understand," he murmured. "It must have been hard… seeing him like that…" He didn't know how he could have stayed sane if he'd been the one to walk in on Fai's suicide attempt—it was hard enough to cope with watching him suffer through nightmares and depression; with looking at the damage that this morning had wrought… "Look, when I left this morning, he wasn't… well, look, he wasn't dressed," he muttered, rubbing the back of his neck, feeling his face flush. "I'll go in and make sure he's presentable before you come in."

Sakura squeaked as she turned bright red, covering her face with her hands; "Y-y-yes please!"

Kurogane sighed, opening the door a bit before slipping inside. The room was lit only by the sunlight that filtered through the thin curtains in dusty beams. Fai was on the bed, huddled into a ball, staring off into the distance, tears pouring down his cheeks. He turned sharply when the door closed, his eyes on Kurogane, though unfocused.

They stared at each other for a moment before Fai registered that Kurogane really was there. He whimpered softly. For a second, Kurogane saw fear.

His stomach turned to lead, and his mouth tasted sour. He swallowed, averting his eyes. He wanted to hold the boy, but now wasn't the time. Did he hurt him that badly? Did Fai regret forgiving him? Was he scared he'd do it again…? "Get dressed," he barked, "Sakura's outside."

Fai nodded slowly, his lips trembling. He unfolded himself, his feet sliding to the floor. He bent forward to stand, but ended up toppling over, legs unable to support him.

"_Fuck_," Kurogane growled. He'd never taken Fai so hard that the blonde had been unable to walk after only one round. (Sure— there had been times when they'd gone at it the entire night and Fai couldn't even sit straight afterwards, but that was a completely different deal.) For a second, he thought Fai would haul himself back up, but he sat there, dazed.

Kurogane stomped over to him, hoisting him up onto the bed once more. He turned, grabbing clothes haphazardly from a pile, tossing them to his boyfriend. He looked over his shoulder to find Fai staring at him with broken eyes. "Are you going to do anything?"

Fai looked down at the clothes, then slowly picked them up, eying them.

Fai wasn't talking. It unnerved him. Was Fai that mad at him? He spun slowly on his heels, gazing at the scar-crossed skin. Had he added another one? Had he added a scar to Fai's heart? He swallowed.

He stood, dressing Fai rather hastily. The boy whined in discomfort at the rough redressing, his lips trembling as his hips were lifted to fasten his jeans. Kurogane yanked a shirt over Fai's head, anxious to cover up those god-awful bruises. His fingers accidentally caught at a knot in Fai's hair, tugging on it as he struggled to clothe Fai's unresponsive body.

"Oh! _Ow_!" Fai cried, finally coming to life to smack Kurogane's hands away; "Stop it, Kurogane! You're _hurting_ me!"

Kurogane recoiled, watching as Fai bent down, nursing himself like a wounded cat. "Well, bloody well time you talked," he grunted, not knowing what else to say. Normally, that would suffice as an apology and Fai would go on to croon about how shy his boyfriend was. Then that tension would be gone… But it wasn't so.

Fai trembled, looking up at his boyfriend, eyes filled with tears. They spilt over down his cheeks, "Why are you so _mean_!?" he sobbed, "Fuck you!"

"What—?" Kurogane stepped backwards, brows knitting.

"I don't want to see you! Get away from me! If that's how it's gonna be, you make me sick!" Fai hissed, voice breaking. His fingers plucked at his chest. It hurt. His chest hurt so badly. Kurogane didn't want him anymore. He'd seen the dirtiest side of him and now he didn't want him. He must have hallucinated hearing those words; they weren't even a problem anymore. He cradled his head in his hands, feeling something crack inside of him; it was something that had been patched up so carefully, so tenderly… and it broke.

Kurogane took another step back, reaching out, kicking himself in the head. He opened his mouth, then closed it, swallowing dryly against words that wouldn't come. He ran a hand through his hair, tugging at the salt-tangled spikes anxiously, "Oi… I—"

Sakura poked her head in, "Is everything okay?" she murmured tentatively.

Kurogane turned, tried to speak again and failed. Then, for lack of a better word, he fled. He pushed past the girl, seeking a place to sit and try to process what had just happened.

He heard Sakura say something, her words lost, but her unhappy tone lending all Kurogane needed to know—he was in for hell from the girl later.

**XxXxXxX**

Sakura stepped into the kitchen, then faltered, her eyes fixed on her friend. "Uh, hi," she mumbled, waving from the doorway.

Syaoron looked up from the glass of lemonade he was fixing, slopping the drink across the counter.

"Ah! Uh, Syaoron-kun!" Sakura squeaked, pointing to the mess.

Syaoron turned red, yelping as he righted the pitcher. He reached for a towel, knocking his glass over in his frenzied attempt. "Ah!"

Sakura rushed forward, snatching another towel to help clean the mess. "Way to go, Syaoron-kun," she giggled, "That was very suave."

"You just surprised me, is all," the boy mumbled embarrassedly, rubbing at the damp counter. "…So, uh, what are you doing inside? You should be on the beach."

Sakura's face fell, "Well… I was keeping Fai-san company," she explained, "He's really upset right now, and I'm worried about him. I don't want to leave him alone while everyone else is having fun."

"…You mother him," Syaoron mumbled, wringing out his towel over the sink. "One day he's going to have to sink or swim without you."

"But that day's not here yet, so I'll continue to help him! I love him very much, and I'd do anything to keep him happy," Sakura said with a kind smile on her face. "I'd do it for all my friends, even you Syaoron-kun, even if you don't really like me anymore."

Syaoron scowled; "…You're too kind, Hime."

Sakura froze, her eyes widening. Her towel slipped from her fingers as her hands went slack. Syaoron watched in horror as her jade green eyes rimmed with bright tears, her hands traveling to cover her mouth; "Why…why did you call me that?" she whimpered, "You were the only one who…"

"It was a mistake, Sakura! I—! I… mistook you for—"

"But you were the only one who didn't!" Sakura cried, turning on her heel and running off.

Syaoron ran his hand through his hair, smiling bitterly, "Way to go."

**XxXxXxX**

Fai and Sakura sat, curled up with each other, on a small loveseat out in one of the shaded gardens. Both of their eyes were red, and neither saw anything as they gazed out at the shoreline. Their hands were loosely entwined, their heads resting against the others, much like kittens taking comfort in one another.

"Well what do we have here?" Yuuko tutted, stepping into the garden from an ivy-covered gate. Clow followed close behind her, a beach ball tucked under his arm. "You two little ones should be enjoying the beach, not moping around."

The woman settled herself down across from the two, leaning against a glass table. Fai looked at her, then blushed. He might've been gay as a bowl of Fruit Loops, but the amount of cleavage falling from his employer/principal's bikini-top was enough to turn him momentarily straight. But only momentarily.

"Well, they're not the only ones moping around—Syaoron and Kurogane are moping as well, love," Clow said, handing her a half-full bottle of beer. Yuuko flashed a cattish grin at him before he entered into the house.

"I think I see. Sakura, darling, you and Syaoron have always been close," Yuuko murmured, "Haven't you?"

"Before he slipped up and called me my sister!" Sakura snapped, burring closer to Fai. "He was the only one who never called me her old nickname, 'hime', after she died—he was the only one who didn't try to meld her to me! The only one who never mixed us up when she was alive and he called me 'hime'!" Fai absently wrapped his arms around her, laying his head against her hair. He understood the pain of losing a beloved twin, and the anguish of being that lost one to someone.

"And you? Lovers squabble?"

"Kuro-sama… wasn't there when I woke up," Fai whimpered, "Even when he was rough, he was so gentle; I thought for a moment he loved me…" His voice held a dreamlike quality, though it was raw with anguish; "But he wasn't there when I woke up—he was always there after the nightmares, when I needed him most… but he wasn't… And when he came back… he wasn't who I—he wasn't the Kurogane I knew…"

Yuuko leaned back into her chair, swirling her beer absently. "You know… sometimes, if a person hides enough things from others—from themselves… They build barriers from the things around them to help them remember to hide. A certain song, a landmark… To even where you hang your clothes up in the evening. They build their safeguards into the world around them so that they will never fail. And they don't, even if you come to change and desperately want to tell someone what you've been hiding… and when you come to a new place… It becomes easy to lose yourself."

The woman took a sip from the bottle, resting the rim against her lips. After a moment, she put it down, looking at the two softly; "In a new place, especially if emotions run high with excitement and awe… It becomes easy to forget to hide, and you show yourself. It may be something you didn't want someone to see, like hidden grief or a hidden desire, but it will come out… And then…. You just have to decide what to do about it, because even then, you're still yourself!" Yuuko grinned, then leaned across and tweaked her students on their noses. She stood, putting her hands on her hips, "Get up, have fun!" She turned, walking to the door. She paused, laying her hand on the doorknob, "Oh… and Fai-chan, darling? You and Puppy-kun should really keep it down in the mornings; there are people who like to sleep late. I'm sure you enjoyed it though, from the sounds." She threw a devilish smirk over her shoulder that just bordered on the side of voyeuristic before disappearing into the house.

**XxXxXxX**

Fai stood, staring out at the moon on the ocean; the light faceted upon the water's surface, spraying diamonded light on the dusky shore. It was quite beautiful, really, but in the mood he was in, it only made him feel all the worse. There were no stars to join the moon at the moment, the sky not the right shade of velvet to display their beauty with their lonely moon.

He shoved his hands in his pockets, sighing slowly. Music drifted from the beach house, soft rock love songs that caused Fai to scoff lightly. Normally, he liked Sakura's taste in music (she was the only one who actually put that stuff on in public), but… His was the type of mood that ruined everything. Sakura had been able to cheer right up after Yuuko's advice, but the bitterness he felt wasn't that easy to rid himself of.

Someone stopped behind him. Fai tensed, his back stiff and straight, his hands tightening into his pockets.

"Hey…"

Fai turned his head away from the noise, staring stubbornly off at a nearby dune. His mouth quivered softly; he bit into his lip to quell the movement.

"Look, I guess we overreacted a bit—"

A slow sigh escaped Fai's mouth, but he said nothing, opting to instead tread along the surf, moving quickly away from Kurogane.

Kurogane's hand shot out, grabbing Fai's. "Fai," he murmured.

A shiver ran down the blonde's back; it was rare for Kurogane to use his name outside of the bedroom, and when he said it, it was always filled with a soft devotion that made Fai crumble to pieces.

"Fai…"

He didn't turn; Kurogane rubbed his thumb against the inside of his wrist, slowly massaging his pulse point. His face grew hot. The bitterness left him; he was an empty husk, waiting to be filled.

"…Fai…"

"Once more," Fai whispered, feeling dizzy.

"Fai," Kurogane pleaded. Fai slid his hand against Kurogane's, intertwining their fingers as he turned to the elder. Kurogane reached out and wrapped his free arm around the boy's waist, pulling him close; "Fai."

"Ah…" It was quickly becoming too much; the sound of his name from Kurogane's lips was intoxicating. He was losing himself. He pressed his head to the elder's shoulder, his free hand settling on the slight curve of the athlete's hip. How was it that he could forget himself so easily? Everything around him was so surreal, like he was floating in a dream. If this was what new places made him feel like, he wanted to travel the world with Kurogane; he wanted to keep feeling like this.

Kurogane's hand curved against the small of Fai's back, pulling the boy flush against him. "Fai… I'm sorry I hurt you."

Fai gave a soft whimper, shaking his head. He peered up at Kurogane, moonlight glistening in wide, watery eyes, "You didn't hurt me," he murmured, "Not with the sex, at least—that… that I _liked_. I liked it a lot." Fai ducked his head to the side, blushing heavily. He pressed his lips to Kurogane's throat before looking back up; "… You weren't there when I woke up…And when you came back, you were _mad_ at me," his voice cracked, "Don't ever do that. _Please_ don't. You were scary—!!"

"I won't," Kurogane promised, his lips ghosting against Fai's temple.

Fai shivered, burying his face against his boyfriend's shoulder; "I thought you'd finally come to your senses and realized that you… you didn't want me anymore."

Kurogane shook his head sadly; that was far from the truth. If only he knew…! If only Fai knew.

_Happiness is just outside my window;_

_Would it crash, blowing eighty miles an hour?_

Music filled the air, and the chatter from the summer home dropped until all that was left was the slightly haunting song. Fai squeezed Kurogane's waist, gently swaying to the tune.

It was so close, they could taste it. They were reaching, they were so close, and they were reaching… but they couldn't grasp it.

_Or is happiness a little more like knocking_

_On your door—?_

_And you just let it in…_

Fai laid his head against his boyfriend's shoulder, guiding the elder teen in a slow, swirling waltz. He hummed softly to the song, squeezing his fingers against Kurogane's.

Kurogane laughed, soft and gentle, taking the lead from Fai. Waves lapped at their feet, encroaching quickly upon their dance floor, but the two took no notice, spinning together and drinking in each other's presence.

_But you are gone_

_Not for good, but for now—_

_But gone for now_

_Feels a lot like gone for good…_

It all depended on him. His happiness, his life, everything… rode upon Kurogane. Fai knew he couldn't survive without him. Kurogane held him out, the softest smile playing against his lips as Fai spun slowly underneath his hand, golden hair catching the moonlight, pale skin glowing.

Fai was brought back to Kurogane's chest, standing on his toes, his body arching inward as he was pressed flush to the athlete, "Kurogane," he breathed, voice heavy and wavering, "I… I want you… I want you any way you'll have me," he confessed, trembling in anticipation.

_Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard_

_Happiness was never meant to hold_

_Be careful child:_

_Light the fuse and get away_

'_Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks_

_Yeah…_

_Yeah…_

_Happiness damn near destroys you_

Kurogane held Fai tightly, their bodies still caught in each other and slow rhythm they'd created. He pulled away, his hands on Fai's hips, staring deep into glowing sapphire eyes. He leaned down, catching the boy's lips in a sweet kiss. "I want you any way you'll take me," he countered, a cocky smirk on his lips. Fai turned the sweetest shade of pink, and he twisted so his back was pressed firmly against Kurogane's broad chest.

Kurogane hugged the boy around the waist, his hands low on Fai's stomach. The blonde trembled gently, pale limbs shaking in the moonlight. He stretched back, his arms looping backwards to fix themselves around Kurogane's neck. His body arched against the elder teen's in the most delicious way.

Kurogane's hands dropped, his fingers grazing against the inside of a moonlit thigh, snowy and exposed by a pair of short, black knit shorts. "Where did those come from anyway?" he murmured into Fai's ear.

The blonde shivered, arching as they rocked to their own melodies. "They're old—gym uniform from middle school. I've gained about three or so inches in height since then," he exhaled. Kurogane grumbled softly, calloused fingers rubbing the soft flesh, brushing higher and higher; "I'll say…"

Fai shivered gently, "Mmm… not out on the beach," he whispered, grabbing Kurogane's warm wrist. The elder twisted his wrist so their fingers caught at each other, Fai craning his neck back to look at his boyfriend with eyes that begged otherwise.

Kurogane leaned forward, catching Fai's mouth in a sloppy kiss, tongue lapping at the younger boy's as they continued to dance. He pulled back, his body filling with heat as he gazed at the blonde, trembling lips shining with saliva in the soft light; "Fai… I lo—"

_Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor_

_So you tell yourself_

"_There's enough for now"_

_Happiness has a violent roar_

Fai twisted very suddenly, cutting Kurogane off with a desperate, searing kiss. His hands dropped, groping his boyfriend through the back of his pants. Kurogane retaliated quickly, snatching Fai's arms, tugging him away; "What's wrong?" he demanded.

Fai shook his head, tears rolling down his face. He looked absolutely terrified, "Don't ruin it," he whispered in anguish; "I don't want to fight again."

"But why would that…?"

Fai leaned up, covering Kurogane's mouth with his own, harshly kissing the elder teen; "Just… never… say that… Keep it like this. Please, for me… just let's keep it like this…"

Kurogane frowned, holding Fai close; he was so confused… But he could never deny a request from Fai… Even if it was something like this—he would keep quiet…

No matter how passionately he loved the blonde.

* * *

**A/N(2): **_Song was "Happiness" by The Fray. I'm not sure if the lyrics are correct, because I'm too lazy to dig out the lyric book and that was just what was on Azlyrics. Oh, and there will be a part three to the beach now... =+= Anyways, order of buisness: _

_**1)** I told you guys last chapter that Ileana425 was to be given cookies because she made a AMV for this story... but my email was being a butt so I couldn't give you guys the linkage. Well! Now I can! (Because my email miraculously decided that my password was righ afterall!) Here we go!  
_http: //www. youtube. com /watch?v=7mzd2PnsrDA  
&feature=channel_page  
_Watch it. Or else.  
__**2)** I am now on summer vacation. Which means I am ready to take one or two more projects back on along with my regular stories (My regulars being this one and Intermittance). Normally, I'd just decide on my own, but I'm going to let you guys chose what else you want to see from me. So, if you guys will let me know which stories** from my project section of my profile only **you want me to work on in a review or PM. I'll choose the most requested one. (Ileana-chan, this **doesn't** include your Mpreg story, because I'm already more than half-done with it, and I've just been too lazy to move it to my "Current Project" section. It'll be coming out soon.)  
_


	27. Lesson Fourteen: Faraway Futures

**A/N: **_This is the last beach chapter, but it-- again, got out of hand and went way angsty-er than what I had in mind. =+= It actually wasn't a part of "Indian Summer", so that's why it has a different title. (Originially, lesson twelve and thirteen were one chapter. Oops.) Not much to say without giving away the story. Some of you will kill me for that last little bit at the end. Eheh. Songs are "Arm's Length Away" by Upside (Or is it Upside/The Feds-- I'm confused on that part...) and "Broken" by Seether, Ft. Amy Lee. _

**

* * *

**

**Gothix, Lesson Fourteen:** _Faraway Futures_

"_Ehhh_?! Competition?" Sakura leant over the back of the sofa, essentially attacking Watanuki from behind.

"That's what he said," Fai laughed; "It sure explains the reason why Yuuko-san made us bring our instruments!"

"Sorry, she made me keep it secret," Watanuki grumbled, trying to not be squished as Sakura vaulted over the couch.

Fai nodded, "I certainly like the idea! Sakura-chan, do you have all the tracks saved onto your keyboard?"

"'Course I do," she grumbled, pouting as if she were offended by the question. "I _always _do!"

Fai grinned, "Well then! We're all set!" He rose from his seat, wandering away from the living room absently humming.

"He's… certainly cheery," Shaoran said irately, slathering ointment on a jellyfish sting on his leg.

"Not really," Sakura mumbled, climbing off of the sofa, straightening out her clothes. She cast a worried look down the hall, eyes following Fai's figure. "He's… hurting for some reason…"

**XxXxXxX**

Fai climbed into bed, crawling over Kurogane, curling up with his back against the wall. He watched the older boy sleep, exhausted by their late night. He rest his head against his bare knees, ignoring the soft ache in his lower back as he pulled against already sore muscles.

Leaving Koryo reminded him how short a time he had left there. There, it was easy to forget, surrounded by fun and familiarity and friends… but here, everything was so alien to him; it was like moving all over again. Even Kurogane acted differently here. Back home in Koryo, he probably wouldn't have even _tried_ to confess his love. He reached out, trailing his fingers softly over Kurogane's sleeping face.

He shouldn't have even tried to get close. Bitter tears filled his eyes. Come next March or April—maybe even sooner—Ohjiro would come, and the cycle would begin anew. New name, new family, new stories… He hiccupped softly, pulling his hand away. He liked being Fai Flowright for once; he didn't want to die another fake death, he didn't want to leave another fake family behind. He didn't want to know people were crying because of him…

But the alternative… He'd rather have a thousand empty coffins covered by his thousand aliases than see a real coffin with a real corpse in it because of him.

His father's icy arms surrounded him and he knew he could love no one but him.

No matter how hot Kurogane swore his love burned for him, it could never melt the icy hold Ashura had on Fai.

Never.

The bed creaked softly as Kurogane sat up. Fai quickly swallowed his tears, drying his face. "Good morning," he murmured, smiling gently.

Kurogane reached out, "Yeah. Good morning," he said softly, a tender look in his eyes.

Fai sighed, a trembling little sign of submission as he leaned into Kurogane's touch; "You're so different all of a sudden… less coarse, more affectionate," he whispered, "Why?"

Kurogane stretched, his hand leaving Fai's cheek as he yawned, back popping. "I dunno… Maybe it's because we're not home," he mumbled sleepily. "Yeah, that's gotta be it… At home, there's this weight on my shoulders—everyone knows about me—about my family and what I did—so they treat me differently. I guess that here, I don't have to push people away… it's nice for the break," he said pensively. "Pretending I don't care is... hard, I guess."

Fai leaned forward, uncurling himself to throw his arms around Kurogane's bare shoulders. He buried deep against his boyfriend's taunt skin, breathing in Kurogane's spicy scent, pressing his entire body close. He reached out, tangling his fingers into the elder's ebony hair, pulling him forward until their lips met roughly, teeth crashing together.

The bitter taste of blood filled Fai's mouth, spurring him to kiss Kurogane all the harder, pressing his hips close. He needed the elder teen, badly.

He wasn't supposed to want him this way. He wasn't supposed to become so entangled with someone that they fell back against the sheets, sweating and panting as bodies pressed against and into each other.

He wasn't supposed to let someone know who he was, but Kurogane came to know him so intimately that even the merest touch riled him to the point of begging and screaming profanities. He wasn't supposed to end up writhing in the sheets, hands clutched tightly into black hair, urging someone closer, deeper against him.

It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to be this way. He wasn't supposed to fall this deep. He wasn't supposed to go this deep under. He was drowning when he was supposed to keep to the surface. Kurogane pulled him deeper and deeper, until his body hit the bottom of the sea he was only supposed to skim; pushed him higher and higher to the pleasure he was never supposed to know.

"Dear _god_, I love you—" Kurogane panted into his ear, breaking taboo as their passions heightened, bodies seizing against each other, his voice hoarse with emotion and strain.

Heavy tears ran down Fai's face, creating new oceans for him to drown in.

_This wasn't supposed to happen_! Kurogane wasn't supposed to love him back!

He clutched tightly to the elder, wrapping sweat-slicked, limp, limbs around his boyfriend, urging him to continue again… so they could continue to pretend.

For now, he could pretend… as long as they were here, someplace different, far from home—he could pretend that everything was okay, that they were deeply in love… He could hold Kurogane close and pretend they were lovers… and as long as they held each other this way, deeply entwined in one another, he could pretend that this could last.

"I—lo—," he sobbed, voice and will breaking as Kurogane restarted the desperate game of make-believe. "Oh, god, please, _don't_!"

**XxXxXxX**

**It was coming again**. The blackness, it was coming like a plague to swallow him whole, it was relentless. Again and again and again it battered at him. And this time, he couldn't even try to fight, because it was coming from Kurogane.

"_This is not for you—_

_Closely tied, but not for you—_

'_Cause it's easier to hold my breath to blue_

_Than trust to show my colors true—_

_No, not for you!_

_Arm's length away! _

_Keep an arm's length away!_"

Fai pressed his mouth to the mic, singing like it was the only thing left for him to do in the world. He'd confused the entire band, forcing them to learn a new song at the last minute. He knew they were a little worried, and a little more than ticked off—but he ignored it.

His fingers, his voice found the notes, the messages, screaming them out to the crowd below. His eyes focused on Kurogane. He had to tell him somehow—he had to tell him that his heart, his body, his mind… they were indelibly broken. He had been born broken.

He could belong to no one, save the man that marked him in the beginning.

"_I feel content, but not in you—_

_People, confidence— it shows right through, _

_To make it easier:_

_Tell me, _

_What more can I do? _

_How can I give what I can lose? _

_Not to you! _

_Arm's length away! _

_Keep an arm's length away!_"

That to stay away from him would be much kinder in the end, for he was only going to leave—if he stayed, it would mean death, decay, and heartache. No… he could only belong to Ashura; he couldn't give himself away. Not if he wanted to keep them, the ones who finally loved him, safe.

"_How can I give myself_

_When I'm in disarray? _

_Give myself_

_But I will _

_Keep an arm's length away!_"

Tears fell from his eyes, mingling with sweat, eyeliner blurring around his lashes. Jewelry beat against his tender skin, and the chains that hung from his ears were louder than the music that surrounded the area.

He'd already blown it. He'd already given Kurogane everything—his heart, his mind, his body. Any longer and he would give him everything else—his name, his past, his soul. But then it would be too late, Kurogane would be gone. He'd stop now—it was safer that way.

"…_This feels all wrong_

_Can you save my life…?_"

But that didn't feel right—without Kurogane, he'd die. The man was the only chance he had at life. He slumped to the ground, singing the final note as the mic followed him.

Kurogane could save him… but all too soon, he'd be gone…

**XxXxXxX**

Fai stretched languidly, peeking at Kurogane from the corner of his eyes. He rolled onto his stomach, watching as his boyfriend absently tuned his guitar. "It's in tune, you know. I just played it tonight."

"I'm just trying to get the feel of it," Kurogane remarked, "It's different than the one you gave me."

Fai smiled and rose to his knees, laying his head on the athlete's shoulder as Kurogane went through the scales. After a moment, he began to strum absently, humming along.

Fai leant against Kurogane, feeling the elder's muscles move against his chest.

"So what was that song about?" Kurogane asked, sliding his fingers against the frets.

Fai pressed his nose against Kurogane's hair, breathing deeply; "Eh, it's an old one," he lied. He wrapped his arms around Kurogane's neck, snuggling up carefully so he wouldn't disturb the elder's practice. He loved listening to Kurogane play.

"Mmn, this sounds good," Fai remarked after a second, "…did you compose this?"

"Yeah, well, I know a little about music. Before you started teaching me guitar, Tomoyo used to make me help her out with her lessons."

Fai peered over Kurogane's shoulder, watching his hands find the notes with a confidence he never knew the elder had with anything but sports. "But Tomoyo-chan sings," Fai corrected.

He smiled, feeling Kurogane's face heat against his cheek. "Kuro-sama, can you sing?" he taunted.

After a long moment, Kurogane cleared his throat, "I haven't since I was thirteen. And even then, I wasn't good—not like you are."

Fai hummed softly, nuzzling Kurogane's neck, "I can almost hear it—you'd have a nice deep voice… will you sing for me?"

Kurogane sighed, finally stopping his playing. "You know I can't say no," he groaned. "Even if I don't want to."

Fai grinned, "I'll follow along, help you out if you get too scared," he teased.

Kurogane turned his head to stare into Fai's eyes, "I'll only do this for you. I won't get up and sing in front of people—I'm not that dumb, so don't even ask."

"Are you insinuating that I'm _dumb_?" Fai gasped, feigning shock. Kurogane chuckled, pressing his lips to Fai's; "Only sometimes," he mumbled. Fai laughed, nuzzling his boyfriend happily. "Araaa," he chimed, "I wanna hear Kuro-sama sing!"

Kurogane sighed, resigning himself to fate. "Fine, fine," he grumbled, turning his attention back to the guitar.

"_I wanted you to know _

_That I love the way you laugh_

_I wanna hold you high and steal your pain_

_Away_

_I keep your photograph_

_And I know it serves me well_

_I wanna hold you high and steal your pain…_"

He heard Fai gasp softly against his ear. Kurogane resisted the urge to stop and continued on, making up the words as he went along.

Fai trembled softly, squeezing Kurogane gently. So pretty… Kurogane's voice was everything he imagined it to be—low and rough, but soothing at the same time. He opened his mouth and hesitantly added his own voice to his boyfriend's.

"'_Cause I'm broken _

_When I'm lonesome_

_And I don't feel right_

_When you're gone away…_

_You've gone away_

_You don't feel me here anymore…_"

He still felt like he was going to lose Fai; it was something scary—Even as they sat here, together, he felt like he was going to be without the blonde again. Something was going to tear him away from Fai. He'd do anything to keep that from happening. He'd continue to tie them together with music. To lose Fai now would be to lose life altogether.

Fai leaned against Kurogane, his arms tightening around the teen's shoulders, pressing himself close. He let his lips brush against the elder's cheek as he sang, taking the lead from his boyfriend:

"_The worst is over now_

_And we can breathe again_

_I wanna hold you high_

_You steal my pain_

_Away—_"

Kurogane closed his eyes…

**XxXxXxX**

_And when he opened them, the warmth on his back was no longer from the distant memory of Fai, but of the stage lights. The boy was gone. The premonition from years ago had come to pass… _

_Sakura's voice replaced the sweet sounds from his memory, cutting across the dull roar of the crowd. _

"There's so much left to learn

And no one left to fight

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain—

'Cause I'm broken

When I'm open…"

_It wasn't enough—he could no longer tie them together. All he was left with was distant memories and the crushing desire to see the blonde again… But he couldn't, because he didn't deserve it. _

"And I don't feel

Like I am strong enough…"

_He'd failed. He'd failed. He hadn't been able to protect that broken little boy. His strength had failed him. He'd failed. _

_Fai had gone to a place where Kurogane could no longer reach him. _


	28. Lesson Fifteen: Dichotomy of Breaking

**A/N: **_Again, a chapter where I cried writing it. Crap. You guys are majorly going to **LOATHE** me. (But you will love me for a bit...) Warnings: Major lemon, major angst, and major cliff-hangers. _

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson Fifteen: **_Dichotomy of Breaking_

The water ran in the background, the reflection stared in the foreground. Fai tried to tear his eyes away from the mirror, but he couldn't. He knew it wasn't possible, but he was seeing his mother instead of himself.

He raised his hand, fingers shaking, to wipe away the stream, clearing her image to his own. A sad, pale boy glared back at him. He laid his head against the warm glass, body shaking. His eyes caught the spiderweb of scars that covered his entire body.

No, don't look at that.

Don't look. Don't think. Don't feel.

He traced the lines of his reflection, across, then down his arteries. Fascinating. Deathly. Macabre. Beautiful.

So. Fucking. Beautiful…

His fingers dug at the silvered glass, nails sliding down the slick surface as he crumbled to the tiled floor, forehead pressed against the harsh marble.

No.

Don't think. Don't think. Don't try to even think.

Pain. It hurt. He was breathing, but it hurt. Even thinking hurt.

Why? Why? Why!?

Because of him, yes, because of _him_.

"Oi."

Fai looked up, watching the shadows play underneath the door. "Huh?" he mumbled, a weak constitution of an answer. Luckily, it was morning, nothing more had to be done; Kurogane wasn't expecting much from him this morning.

"I know you're tired…"

Fai could almost hear the blush in the teen's sentence.

"But you need to hurry up—we'll be late otherwise, and just because it's the first day doesn't mean Yuuko's gonna cut us slack!" Kurogane warned through the door. "Damn bitch would probably send us to detention… Anyway, yeah. I've got coffee going for you."

The shadows disappeared into the light, and Fai was left staring at the empty slit of light underneath the wooden door. He reluctantly hauled himself off the floor, shivers going through his entire body. He wanted…

He couldn't… but, oh, he wanted…

_He promised. _

But he wanted to!

Dammit, no, he promised Kurogane!

_Kurogane gently pulled Fai's arms through the sleeves of the simple white button-up shirt he'd brought him, his fingers slowly brushing against bruised and bandaged skin. Fai trembled, biting his lip—whether in pain or guilt, Kurogane couldn't quite say, but the action was endearing. He leaned forward, catching the blonde in a chaste kiss, Fai's dry lips soft and warm against his own._

_He'd come so close to losing this; he seized Fai's shoulders, gently squeezing, "Fai," he whispered, "Promise me this; please, don't. Don't start cutting again. Promise me." _

"_I…" Tears trickled down the boy's pale face, lips trembling, "What if I can't stop?" _

"_Promise me you'll try—I swear, I'll do anything to help. Even if I have to strap you down to the bed, I'll do it if you ask me to." _

_Fai sniffled, turning his tear streaked face upwards to gaze at Kurogane from heavy-lidded eyes, "Sounds really kinky," he teased weakly. He sighed slowly, "I… I promise you, Kuro-sama, I'll do my best." _

"_That's all I'll ever ask." _

He couldn't. He stepped into the shower, hot water seemingly scalding the skin from his bones.

He hated new things. New things scared him; new things bothered him. That's why he hated school—moreover, school starting. New school years were the epitome of everything that set him on edge. New people, new classes, new schedules, new routine.

He stood under the water until it ran cold, then dragged himself out, pulling on his clothes over damp skin, running an absent comb through dripping hair.

He trudged out of the bathroom, out to the kitchen to the coffee machine. He liked his morning coffee like he liked his clothes—black. He downed it instantly, ignoring the blisters rising on his tongue, or the pain lancing down his throat.

He'd grown used to their summer routine—slow and easy, it provided him with warmth and comfort, away from it all.

Hands found their way to his waist, slowly spinning him. Fai looked up happily, leaning into the touch, empty mug sliding from his fingers to the floor, clattering loudly; "Can't we just skip today?" he yawned, standing on his toes.

"As good as that sounds, _no_," Kurogane admonished. "Besides, all we seem to be doing lately is have sex. Talking isn't overrated, you know."

"Look who's all high and mighty now he's an upperclassman for real. We're the same age you know— if it wasn't for screwy rules here I'd be in your class," Fai huffed.

Kurogane looked alarmed, "You're fifteen."

"No," the blonde corrected, slowly drawing out the syllable. "I'm sixteen, and I will be turning seventeen in a week. I expect a lot of presents."

Kurogane stared at him, "How the _hell_ are you seventeen?" he demanded, squeezing his boyfriend's hips. "You're so tiny."

"Oh, _geeze_, you know I can take that the entirely _wrong_ way, you know?" Fai snapped, cheeks pink.

Kurogane's eyes dropped, then went to the ceiling, face red; "I don't mean down—!! I meant you're so damn… small!"

"I know, I'm petite, even though I'm at least as tall as Watanuki, and you've only got about half a foot on him."

"You're a head shorter, maybe two," Kurogane argued.

Fai pouted, "No," he insisted, "You've got shoes on."

Kurogane groaned; it was too early to argue like this, even if it was amiable. He leaned down, sealing Fai's lips, and the argument, with his own, sliding his tongue deep into the sophomore's mouth, pushing the boy against the counter.

Fai surrendered the argument easily—this at least, was familiar. It was warm and comforting, something he never wanted to stop doing, even though each kiss was a new experience within itself; however, this familiarity had a new taste—a slight tang of terror, of corrosive fear and danger that almost swayed Fai to push Kurogane away. But just almost. Not enough for the thought to even hold court in his mind. He wrapped his arms around Kurogane's neck, lifting himself against the teen's body, moaning quietly.

Kurogane tasted Fai languidly, sweeping his tongue against Fai's; he loved the way the blonde tasted— especially right after his morning coffee. It was an odd combination of Fai's own unique taste along with coffee, and underneath his tongue, toothpaste. Thoroughly unappetizing, yet somehow perfect. He rubbed Fai's back gently, an action he knew calmed the boy into placid submission, pulling him close.

Fai pulled away, completely unhappy with his own movements of withdrawal, murmuring, "We should stop unless you want to reconsider skipping."

Kurogane rolled his eyes, "No. We're out of lube anyways," he grumbled, pulling away. Fai smirked, "I _liked_ the alternative yesterday," he purred. Kurogane grunted, picking up a cereal box and throwing it to Fai, who caught it with a groan. "Eat," the junior demanded, glaring at his boyfriend; "You'll get sick if you don't eat with your meds."

Fai winced, "Yeah, yeah." He waved him off, sticking his hand in the box, stuffing handfuls of cereal into his mouth. "Mmhat'reyoudomingamftersshool?"

"Excuse me?"

Fai swallowed, "What're you doing after school?" he translated.

"Oh, I've got to go shopping don't I? I'll stop by Tomoyo's I guess."

Fai frowned, "What does _that_ have to do with illicitly buying lubricant when you're underage and currently screwing someone who is also a minor _him_self?"

Kurogane cleared his throat awkwardly; "It's time to go."

"Can I come with you? Where did you get it anyway?"

Kurogane turned red. Dear god, he wasn't telling Fai _that_. No way was he giving Fai more ammunition to tease him. "I _told_ you: Demons from hell," he snapped, leaning over to pick up Fai's fallen mug.

Fai snorted, spraying cereal crumbs everywhere. "My ass."

"Cute, very cute. Why do I date you?" Kurogane mumbled, reaching out to wipe off Fai's cheek.

"'Cause I'm cute?" Fai offered.

"You'd better be lucky you're cute," Kurogane threatened, "Otherwise, I…" he trailed off, staring at the look Fai was giving him. He leaned down, pressing his mouth to the blonde's, kissing him deeply. "Cute be dammned," he grumbled, grabbing the boy by the hips as he lifted him up onto the counter, the numerous chains adorning Fai's outfit jingling softly. Their lips connected again as they kissed fervently, fingers grasping for leverage.

He could see it in Fai's eyes; it was the same dying look he'd become so wary of. Something was wrong; something was breaking. He cupped Fai's cheeks in his hands, rolling his thumbs across them. "What's wrong?"

Fai swallowed heavily. There were a number of things, really. But he couldn't possibly tell Kurogane about the nightmares, the past, the future, or the bag of pills he'd never taken smoldering away in his book bag, now could he? "…N…nothing. I just don't like school, that's all."

Kurogane scowled—Fai was lying. He sighed, "I don't either. But, we do have to go," he reminded the boy. Fai slid off the counter, grumbling unenthusiastically.

Kurogane rolled his eyes, "Yeah, yeah, deal."

"When I die of school allergies, I'm suing."

"That's impossible, Fai—can't sue if you're dead. Moron."

**XxXxXxX**

It hurt. Hearing it again and again; it hurt. It was the same as sliding a knife into his ribs over and over and over again, each time severing one more nerve.

He was falling apart.

He was falling in love.

Well, hell, he knew he'd been in love with Kurogane the moment the elder kissed him…

It was just… Kurogane wasn't supposed to love him back.

It wasn't supposed to be permanent.

It wasn't supposed to be a relationship.

In a few days, weeks, months… Fai would be dead, and yet… he didn't want to leave.

He never wanted to leave.

For Kurogane he wanted to stop running…

But he could never do that, could he? If he stopped, Kurogane himself would die.

…If only he could die and keep him safe…

**XxXxXxX**

"You're crazy, you know that right?"

"I've heard it before, I think."

Eagle snorted at the light tone in his uncle's voice. He leaned back in his chair, watching his relative in the gloom. "I think he's best left alone—he's no family of mine anymore."

"You're just bitter."

Eagle scowled at his uncle's light tone, "Watch it," he warned amicably. "You might be a geezer, but I've got the power right now."

"You also have the information I asked for?"

"Do you _know_ how hard it is to hack the feds?"

"Incredibly. I've done it myself."

"Yeah, yeah, who the hell do you think Lantis learned it from?" Eagle produced a rather thick manila folder and tossed it across the table, where it landed in his uncle's slender hands.

He watched as the older man thumbed through it, "You sure?"

"Unless they're moving him within the next week, Yuui'll be there. He doesn't live at the listed address though."

"He wouldn't break procedure."

"He is, big time."

"Which tenure?"

"The fact that they have to know his whereabouts; he's living with an unlisted civilian. According to the feds, he still lives in his apartment. But when I sent Geo out to get photos, he never showed. So he swept the town and found him with some guy. Tall, dark, handsome. He's either playing him or he's really fallen," Eagle said with a snort. He produced a photo from his breast pocket, sliding across the wooden table.

"Well… well…"

Eagle watched in slight amusement as his uncle neatly tore the picture into shreds, tossing them over his shoulder.

"You have real problems. You know that right? It goes beyond crazy…"

"You know, I think I've heard that one too."

**XxXxXxX**

"So, how was your first day?" Tomoyo prompted, grinning as she buckled her seatbelt.

"Somehow the thought of you driving thoroughly terrifies me," Kurogane said faintly, tugging on his own belt to make sure it was on tightly.

Tomoyo rolled her eyes, "I passed the written exam with flying colors," she sang, starting up her new car (which wasn't really new at all, it was Ameterasu's old car, but it was still newer than Kurogane's own car). "You just can't accept that I'm fifteen now, and therefore can drive in Ryonfi county!"

"Just this county, thank god. We need to keep the destruction limited I think."

With a dainty huff, Tomoyo stepped on the gas, flying off school campus.

"Oi! Oi! Stop! Stop!" Kurogane snapped, "You're way over the limit!"

Tomoyo stomped down on the brakes, sending Kurogane forward. She grinned over at him, "Lesson learned, cousin?"

"Learned."

"I schooled you. Speaking of, how was your first day? Mine was absolutely wonderful! Sakura and I have three classes together! It's been so long since we hung out properly, it's so nice for the both of us!"

Kurogane rolled his eyes, "School sucked."

"Did you get any classes with Fai-san?"

Kurogane blushed, looking out the window. "Why?"

"Innocent question."

"PE and math. Apparently he got skipped up to Pre-Cal because he'd already taken Algebra2."

"That's nice… Say… why are you coming over anyway?"

"…I…we, that is… I need… " Kurogane turned beet red, hands twitching in a mixture of embarrassment and anger. "Shut up and drive!"

"Oooooh! _That's_ why!" Tomoyo chimed in delight. "So it _was_ put to good use after all, huh? Ameterasu would probably be more than delighted to get you more… For a price, you know."

"…I really don't want to know," Kurogane groaned, dropping his head in his hands.

"It would be better if you didn't," his younger cousin chuckled softly. "You might implode on the spot."

**XxXxXxX**

Fai leaned back, surveying his manic work. He crossed his arms, nodding proudly. It was Friday, after all. (He never quite understood why school started on a Friday; it seemed stupid to him, but hell, that's just how it worked.) They could stay up late.

He hummed softly, dragging his fingers across the dimmer board, turning down the lights. He'd persuade Kurogane into a _really _good mood… then tell him… that it had to stop.

The reality and finality of his decision made him sigh softly, weighing on his shoulders. He didn't want it to end… But it would be worse for it to continue.

He walked around to the sofa, plopping down, turning the music down as he stared absently at the ceiling, watching the way the candles' lights played across the surface. His eyes slid shut, and before long he was asleep, running down the twists and turns of his nightmare's labyrinth.

**XxXxXxX**

Fai awoke to the sounds of Kurogane entering the house. He sat up slowly, blushing softly as the beginning stages of nerves fluttered in his stomach. He'd never done anything like this before; he had no idea how Kurogane would take it. He slid his legs off the sofa, shivering softly as the material of his boyfriend's borrowed shirt brushed against his bare thighs. He smiled softly as he heard the familiar thuds that signaled Kurogane's customary dropping of shoes and bag.

"Oi," Kurogane called, "Why are the lights off?"

Fai smiled absently, "Because," he sang, standing slowly. He looked over his shoulder to see Kurogane looking towards the kitchen, sniffing.

"What's that smell?"

"Dessert," the blonde answered, walking slowly towards his boyfriend. Kurogane finally looked at the boy, eyes widening as his cheeks flushed. "What the hell are you wearing?!"

Fai blushed, pulling the hem of the shirt shyly. It reached to the top of his knees when standing, so all in all, he was covered, but he still felt greatly exposed as Kurogane's eyes wandered over his body.

Kurogane cleared his throat awkwardly, trying to tear his gaze away, but he found he couldn't bring himself to look away from the milky expanse of skin that was showing; Fai was little more than half-clothed in an oversized shirt of his, shoulders bare as well as his legs. "I…is… there anything under that?" he managed to ask through quickly closing throat.

Fai chewed his lip anxiously before answering; "No," he murmured innocently. "It's not a school night," he whispered, taking tentative steps toward his boyfriend, laying himself against the larger teen, fingers slowly tracing patterns upon Kurogane's bicep. "So I thought… we should have a _date_."

Kurogane swallowed, realizing how quickly his jeans were becoming uncomfortable and tight. "Fai," he said warningly; "Didn't I just say this morning that we've been having sex too often…?" he mumbled half-heartedly.

"With you, there's no such thing," Fai purred. He flashed a quick smile, stepping away. "Besides, I wasn't planning on it. I assume you ate at Tomoyo's right?" he asked brightly, grin plastered on his face.

Kurogane's body screamed at the sudden loss of the delicious heat of having Fai pressed close to him; his hormones left him stupid for a moment. "Uh… what? Oh… yeah, Sonomi forced me to eat with them. Family," he huffed.

"I thought so," Fai said happily. "Go sit, I'll be right back!" He turned on his heel and bounced off, giving Kurogane a wonderful view of long, shapely thighs. He reached out to grab Fai's ass, but the teen was too fast, far out of arm's reach by the time Kurogane had raised his hand. Kurogane hissed in disappointment, moving to sit at the sofa.

The table in front of his wraparound sofa was littered with candles, wicks halfway down their lengths. Kurogane smiled slightly, knowing how long Fai had probably waited for him. The boy was adorable; it made his heart skip a little. The depth of his emotions never ceased to irritate Kurogane, who had once prided himself in being callous and cold to the world; to him, love used to be a sign of weakness. Now it was one of strength, for he hoped he'd be able to protect Fai with it.

"Here we go," Fai sang softly, breezing around to sit next to Kurogane. In his hands were two plates of cake with a light brown crème on top. Fai sat the plates down on the table, cutting out a bite sized piece with a small fork.

"You know I don't like sweet things," Kurogane mumbled. He'd eat it anyway—he didn't want to see Fai's feelings hurt. By the looks of things, Fai had made the pastry by hand; an image of Fai cooking in his current getup sent jolts down his spine to his groin.

"It's not sweet," Fai explained, leaning forward on his knees and free hand, holding out the fork for Kurogane. "Try it."

Kurogane leaned forward, Fai guiding the fork into his mouth. He chewed thoughtfully, surprised by the cake's slightly bitter tang.

Fai leaned forward even more, shirt gaping. Kurogane almost choked as he glanced down the garment, catching a glimpse of the boy's naked anatomy. "I-it's good," he managed, trying hard not to jump the boy. Fai grinned, picking the plate up. He crawled into Kurogane's lap, straddling him.

"I made it with bittersweet chocolate and only a little bit of sugar. The whipped cream doesn't have any sugar in it, just the cocoa powder."

Kurogane nodded absently, hormones noticing the way his shirt rode up pale thighs, exposing the downy dusting of white-gold curls that led to Fai's sex.

"Would you like more?" Fai asked, devious smile playing against his lips, cheeks tinted pink. He was well aware of where Kurogane's eyes were, and where his thoughts were racing—how could he not when he could feel his boyfriend's length slowly engorging between his legs?

Kurogane, with his thoughts still on other things—places—nodded absently. He wasn't thinking about cake, he was thinking about seeing more of that delectable white skin.

Fai slowly cut another piece, putting down the plate in favor of guiding Kurogane's chin up so the elder teen was no longer eyeing his legs but his face. He slowly put the piece of cake into his own mouth, chewing slowly. His tongue darted out to lick his lips, covering them in chocolate crumbs. He leaned forward, pink lips pursed, eyes solid and blazing with uncontrolled lust as he swallowed.

Kurogane realized with a shock what Fai's intentions were, and he broke out in a sweat; he had no control anymore. With that one look, Fai rendered him helpless—he was now nothing but a toy for his boyfriend's urges. He had no qualms over this.

Fai pressed his mouth solidly to Kurogane's, mouth opening against the athlete's lips. Kurogane leaned forward, reacting violently; he reached out and twisted his fingers into Fai's silky hair, yanking him forward as he opened his mouth to the sweet beauty in his lap.

Fai moaned in contentment, tongue pushing forward into Kurogane's mouth. Their tongues twisted together, Kurogane groaning at the bitter chocolate taste against his tongue. He tasted Fai thoroughly, knowing he'd never taste chocolate the same way again. Fai reached out, hands flat against Kurogane's chest, nails digging into the dip of the elder's clavicle, hips grinding into Kurogane's.

A moan exploded from Kurogane's lips, filling Fai's mouth with hot air and wanton want as his hips jerked up, rubbing against the softness between the blonde's legs, the friction amazing through his now too-tight jeans.

Fai whimpered, kissing Kurogane harder, his head twisting to change the angle, teeth clicking and saliva rolling down slick lips, pants of desire puffing out in sharp, quick pulls and hard conjunctions.

Fai pushed his hips down harder, the sharp ache of need growing in his lower stomach. It was quickly turning him hard, as made obvious where it pressed readily against where the shirt was pulled tight between his spread legs. He dug his knees into the sofa, riding himself hard against Kurogane, moaning as he brushed against the elder's stomach.

One of Kurogane's hands fell from its hold on Fai's scalp to the curve of the boy's back, pulling him close, feeling the boy slip forward on his covered erection. Fai threw his head back, mewling loudly in appreciation, arching to the point where his back cracked at the movement. Kurogane watched as the muscles in Fai's slender neck corded, veins pressing against the milky skin, sped pulse twitching against the almost-translucent skin. Sweat rolled down the boy's skin, beading around his pulse point. Kurogane leaned forward, lapping it up, suckling against the vein, feeling it throb against his lips and tongue.

Fai moaned, mouth falling open, bruised lips mouthing a string of silent but approving expletives. Kurogane chuckled lustily, hips rolling up into Fai's, trying to fuck the boy without entrance. Fai shuddered, almost screaming; "Goddamn, harder!"

The blonde angled his hips down, pressing his straining cock against Kurogane's, hands on Kurogane's shoulders, knees on the edge of the sofa, ass almost in the air, riding and grinding against him harshly. Fai leaned forward, mouth pressing against the skin right underneath Kurogane's jaw, teeth sinking into the tender flesh. The coppery taste of blood spurred him on harder, fucking himself against Kurogane frantically.

"Damn," Kurogane whisper-shouted, voice straining. "Fuck!"

Fai groaned, hands gripping tightly. Kurogane reached out, lifting Fai out of his current position, settling the blonde so his own manhood was pressed against the crease of the sophomore's ass, the boy's shins pressed flat against the sofa. His hands moved down, caressing the backs of Fai's hot thighs, then over and inside, then up. He grabbed the boy's cock, already damp with sweat and precum and jerked.

Fai arched violently, moaning and whimpering as Kurogane worked him. He dropped his head forward, pressing against the center of the athlete's collar, his backside pressing down against the elder's cock, mouth open, hot breath and saliva hitting Kurogane's chest.

"Dammit," Kurogane growled, squeezing Fai's tip, "You act like I haven't touched you in ages."

"I—!! Oh, _god_, **harder**!—Want—what—! _Ahhhhn_!!! I—!! Want!" Fai rode against Kurogane's hand harshly, his hands falling down to grip the backs of Kurogane's, making him pleasure him with rough, uneven movements. The noises Fai was making were enough to make Kurogane wonder why he wasn't cumming on the spot. His cock, if possible, grew even harder, throbbing against the squirming blonde.

Fai pushed himself back, his entire body locking and tensing as his eyes flew open, dilating, as he practically screamed, orgasming violently; "_Kurogane_!" Cum splattered across Kurogane's hands and against his shirt. Fai leaned forward, hips jerking as violent waves of pleasure roiled through his body, breath leaving him in harsh pants.

Fai didn't allow himself to recover, feeling the hot dampness of Kurogane's own sex against his ass even through his boyfriend's jeans. He slid off Kurogane, his knees hitting the floor loudly. He moved his hands, shaking still in the wake of his high, to unfasten Kurogane's jeans. He slid his fingers under the bands of both the elder's jeans and boxers, tugging them down to Kurogane's ankles. He scooted forward, his hands sliding up his boyfriend's muscular shins to his knees, parting the junior's tan legs, cheeks brushing against Kurogane's inner thighs.

Kurogane's breath rushed out of him as he realized what Fai was about to do. They rarely went oral as it caused them both to finish quickly; in fact, the thought alone sent his mind racing, almost making him release right there, all over Fai's face. It was even more erotic given the fact that Fai was almost never this domineering.

The blonde laughed softly, voice deep with lust. He could feel his own sex twitching in want of a second round as he leaned forward, lips engulfing the red, leaking head of Kurogane's erection. The taste of his boyfriend exploded in his mouth, hot and salty against his tongue. He groaned in pleasure, lapping at the quickly leaking precum.

Kurogane moaned at the vibrations coursing through his cock, leaning back against the sofa, straining hard not to buck into Fai's mouth. His hips rose involuntarily, but Fai took it in stride, swallowing more of Kurogane, tongue dancing against the throbbing, taunt skin.

Fai leaned forward, head bobbing slightly as he moved back and forth, allowing Kurogane to move, shallowly fucking his face. He ran his tongue against swollen veins, tapping the tip of his tongue playfully against the sensitized skin, drawing uncharacteristically loud groans from his boyfriend, including the occasional whimper. He felt himself grow even more aroused, his stomach blazing and nipples tingling with an ache to be touched. He groaned around Kurogane's dick, moving his head forward, feeling the tip brush against his soft palate. He pressed his lips tightly around the organ, sucking, the back of his throat convulsing.

Kurogane felt his tip brush against the undulating muscles of Fai's throat as the boy sucked on him, heat rushing through his body. He reached out, grabbing Fai's hair, fingers scraping at the scalp. Fai gave a soft grunt at the pulling against his scalp, pricking his teeth in warning against the sensitive organ in his mouth.

"F…! Fai, stop," Kurogane warned, curling forward, trying to pull away as the boy sucked even harder, mouth closing around him, "No!" He felt the heat building in his lower stomach, coiling tighter and tighter, moving closer to the snapping point.

Fai smirked deviously, leaning his head forward, pushing himself forward until his lips were almost at the base of Kurogane's length, the tip of the elder's sex trapped in the tight heat of his throat.

Kurogane fell back against the sofa, arm flinging back to cover his contorting face, lips curled in a breathless sound; he was so damn close—he could feel his body tensing at the brink of orgasm as Fai's loosen throat cradled his sex, tight and impossibly hot. He couldn't believe how helpless he felt, how bad he wanted this, how easily Fai was getting him off. But pride be damned, he wanted the boy to make him finish; he needed release so badly; his cock ached for it, a needy pain ricocheting through his body, throbbing in time to the erratic throbbing of his heart and penis. "_Fuck!_" Through the white haze, he felt Fai's lips shift into a grin and his stomach fluttered up into his throat as he wondered why. Then, Fai swallowed, again and again, his throat massaging Kurogane's shuddering erection.

Kurogane's vision flashed white, black dots dancing in front of his eyes; his body arched against Fai's mouth, his thighs clamping against the boy's shoulders, toes curling in pleasure as he emptied himself into the blonde's throat. He pressed his arm even tighter against his flushed face, crying out; "_FAI_!" His voice continued, cracking and dying out into a strangled shout, his boyfriend's name on his lips as his body rebounded into a second high at the feel of Fai swallowing his seed, shooting his essence into Fai's mouth again, white semen tricking from Fai's parted lips as he pulled away, the last vestiges of his high splattering across his sweat slicked cheeks.

Fai reached up, kneading his fingers into Kurogane's stomach, the junior's shirt riding up his taunt belly, sticking to the elder's skin with sweaty creases. Kurogane's muscles twitched, the athlete sinking into the cushions, muttering Fai's name over and over in a hazy manner.

Kurogane was still delirious with pleasure from Fai's fallatio, having been taken to a high never reached before in their relationship when he heard Fai's voice.

"Oh, Kuro-sama, we're not done yet," Fai purred hoarsely. He reached out, untangling Kurogane's hand from his hair, golden strands wrapped around the athlete's fingers. Fai pulled the elder's hand down, until Kurogane felt something hard and hot against his hand. He looked down dizzily, "You're hard," he said stupidly. Fai smiled, nuzzling Kurogane's flaccid member, kissing the softened and damp skin. "Yes, I am," he whispered.

Fai leaned back, pulling off Kurogane's shirt, hands brushing against his boyfriend's nipples. Kurogane shuddered, unused to this sort of attention. Normally this was the other way around; the small (very, _very_, small) part of Kurogane's mind that wasn't clouded with lust for the slight teen performing a strip-tease in front of him, slowly unbuttoning each button on the shirt with shameless deliberation, told him there was something off in the way Fai was acting. That part was quickly shut up by the sight of pink, pert nipples, taunt stomach, golden curls, and a straining member. Fai slowly slid himself back onto Kurogane's hips, fingers curling against dark nipples. His fingers circled the dark flesh, watching as they pebbled beneath his fingers. Fai licked his lips, still sticky with cum, in desire, twisting Kurogane's right nipple between his fingers. Kurogane hissed in surprise and pleasure, mind rioting at how much he was submitting to the sultry blonde.

He leaned forward, slamming his lips to Fai's, hoping to regain some control as he claimed the smaller teen's mouth. His own taste exploded in his mouth, echoes of his spicy, salty semen still heavy on Fai's tongue. He felt the splashes of cum on Fai's cheeks smear onto his own as the boy moved sensually against his mouth, kissing him harder and harder until their tongues were so deep in each other's mouth that they wondered why they hadn't yet swallowed the other. Fai moaned in pleasure against Kurogane's mouth, grabbing and squeezing the elder's nipples. He shivered as Kurogane gasped and moaned against his mouth, his lips slipping and sliding against Kurogane's mouth, their kiss growing wet and sloppy.

Fai dragged his hands down Kurogane's torso, nails raking against the skin, between the elder's legs. He grasped Kurogane's slowly hardening member, working at it until it was rock-hard and weeping against his fingers, reveling in the way the elder was moaning and whimpering into his mouth. He removed his hands, moving his legs until his knees were set on either side of Kurogane's parted thighs, spread wide apart.

"I want you," Fai moaned.

"Open your mouth," Kurogane commanded; it was time he was taking charge. Fai obeyed, a devious gleam in his eye as he realized what Kurogane wanted him to do. Kurogane fitted three of his fingers in Fai's mouth.

Fai hummed softly, setting to work, teasing the pads of Kurogane's calloused fingers with his tongue, suckling at the appendages. Before long, Kurogane pulled away, strings of saliva connecting his coated fingers to Fai's sensual mouth. He reached back, groping the boy with his dry fingers. Fai spread his legs further, leaning forward to give Kurogane better access. The elder teen rubbed against Fai's entrance with a slippery finger. Fai uttered a soft mewl, pushing back, the tip of the junior's digit slipping inside of him. His body ached to be filled; "Hurry," he begged, feeling Kurogane slip his finger in him up to his knuckles, rubbing against his insides. He moaned, panting softly as his boyfriend pushed his second finger in. Fai groaned at the pain of being stretched, the need doubling and filling him to burst. "More," Fai whispered, "Goddammit, just fuck me Kurogane; I want your cock not your fingers," he demanded forcefully.

Kurogane laughed, fitting in the third and last saliva-coated finger. He pushed his fingers deep, fucking Fai that way. Fai hissed, unhappy with the shallow penetration. He wanted to be filled until he thought he would explode from it; he needed this so badly. "Kurogane!" He hissed warningly, biting and clawing at Kurogane's shoulders. "Stop teasing!"

"I'm a tease after all you've done to me tonight?" Kurogane growled breathlessly. He pulled his fingers out of Fai with a slight suckling noise, hand grasping the soft globe of Fai's ass, parting his cheeks. Fai sat down upon Kurogane's cock, nearly screaming at the sudden pain of penetration; it didn't matter if it hurt or not. Right now, he wanted the pain. He sat still for a second, enjoying the ache of being filled. He swore he could feel Kurogane up to his throat, chest heaving in pleasure. He pushed himself up with his knees, then dropped back down, starting a quick and rough pace for Kurogane.

The athlete was happy to comply, hips bucking and grinding into Fai's tight body, groaning as the boy clenched around him, muscles kneading and sucking at Kurogane's cock. The air was thick with the sounds of sex: moans and needy gasps, the sound of skin against skin, the sofa creaking as they fucked, the almost obscene squelch of Kurogane's erection pulling and pushing in and out of Fai's body.

Fai slammed himself down into a particularly rough thrust of Kurogane's, bringing the elder's cock violently against the blonde's prostate. Fai screamed as pleasure crashed over him like a tidal wave, body seizing as Kurogane quickly thrust against the spot again and again, sending unrelenting shocks of pleasure through his body to his cock; at the same time, Kurogane reached out, roughly seizing Fai's sex in his hands. It was too much.

Fai threw his head back, throat closing, neck straining, face contorting in pleasure, semen gushing from his cock all across Kurogane's hands, torso, even onto his own body.

Kurogane came then, Fai's clenching body milking his third orgasm from him. They shivered in unison, gripping frantically at each other, kissing deeply and sloppily, bodies rocking and thrusting against the other's as the effects of their finishes milked the rest of the remaining lust and passion from their bodies.

Fai moaned, rubbing his sweat and semen-covered body against Kurogane's, nuzzling and kissing the elder's neck as Kurogane murmured feverish sweet nothings into his ear.

Kurogane wrapped his arms around Fai, rubbing circles into the boy's limp muscles. He watched Fai's eyes close sleepily, a sweet smile playing against bruised and slightly bloody lips. "_God_," he groaned, hugging Fai tight, "I love you."

Fai froze; "Kuro-sama," he whispered, his face shifting from lazy pleasure to anguish. He leaned back, pulling himself away from Kurogane, raising his hips until the elder teen was no longer inside of him. "I… need to talk to you about something."

Kurogane froze. Something bad was about to happen; he knew it. "What?"

"…I… can't do this anymore," Fai whispered. He turned away from Kurogane, reaching out to grab the afghan on the back of the sofa. He wrapped it around himself, covering his body. "I can't… endure being with you anymore. It… it hurts too much."

"…Are… wait, are you breaking up with me?" Kurogane asked uncertainly. Something twisted in his chest, and he felt his throat tightening.

Fai bit his lip, chewing it until pricks of blood rose from the already tender flesh. "Yes," he whispered. "That…" He gestured sadly at the mess they had made, "…is…my goodbye."

Kurogane felt his eyes burning as his breath shuddered out of him, "What?"

"I'm… going to move out tomorrow. It… I'm ending it."

"Why?"

"Because it was never supposed to be more than casual dating!" Fai snapped, voice frantic and scared.

Kurogane couldn't believe how quickly he was losing composure; his hands were shaking and he could feel his lips trembling. God, he hadn't cried in forever, and he wasn't going to start now. "You don't want this," he retorted shakily.

"I do."

"Fai, don't do this," he begged. He hated being reduced to begging, but Fai had this effect on him. He'd do whatever he could to keep the blonde; he'd even risk the grave if he had to. He'd give him everything, even his own limbs to keep Fai near him. "You know I can't do anything to stop you—"

He watched as Fai's eyes began to sparkle with tears; he kept talking. "You know I love you—I'd do anything. Tell me what I can do to make it better."

"You'll die if I stay with you," Fai whispered. "By loving me, you've damned yourself. Please… I have to—I can't be with you anymore. I don't want to take anyone down with me when he comes to kill me."

"I won't die! I'll kill the bastard who wants to make you unhappy!" Kurogane snarled, fists clenching. "I'll never die! I'll always protect you! I'm strong enough for the both of us!"

Fai leaned forward, suddenly looking much older than he really was. He stroked Kurogane's face, tears streaming down his cheeks; "My Kuro-sama, my wonderful, brave Kuro-sama…" he whimpered, "If only you didn't love me…I can't let you die. I can't cause you to die. My strong Kuro-sama… We're too young… the world isn't kind to people like us, my beautiful, fearless, Kuro-sama." Sobs shook his thin shoulders, tears dripping from his face to Kurogane's chest. "How can you love me so much? My protector… my friend… mine, mine, mine… You will always be mine—my lovely, passionate Kuro-sama, my warrior—I… I just can't do that to you," Fai whimpered, shaking his head. "I can't understand how you love me; you're so kind, so warm; I'm so happy that I could have you for this long. But I can't keep you, you don't know how much it hurts me to be around you, knowing that you love me—" Fai's voice broke as he cried, fingers curling into Kurogane's skin. "It hurts so much—I can't keep living like this…"

Kurogane watched in pain as Fai cried, unable to reach out and hold the boy. It was breaking his heart. Fai was breaking his heart, just like he had broken Fai's all those months ago.

"I'm not doing this because I don't care about you; it's because I care too much, my dear, sweet, Kuro-sama. I want to keep you, I want to be yours. I want you to be mine—you _are _mine, always, always. This side of you that you've always shown me, I want it to me mine forever. I want this sweet, loving, strong, kind, warm, wonderful man I see in front of me to be mine forever. But—I…just—can't! Why did you have to fall in love with me? Why do you have to die? Why did you say you loved me?!" Fai finally crumpled, curling upon himself on the sofa, weeping. "I have to go—I have to leave—I can't stay here, I can't be yours… I can never be the person you fell in love with—this isn't me. You'd hate me—I'm just the sort of person you'd hate—I know it, if you knew me truly you'd not love me anymore… We're going to part one day anyway, so I have to leave before then… I can't stand knowing that I damned you. I can't live with this guilt, so I'm leaving."

"Does it have to be this way?"

"Yes."

"Isn't there… anything I can do?"

Fai looked up, tear-streaked face contorted in grief. "_Lie_." The word was barely there, a hiss of air from bruised lips. "Lie to me," he instructed, "Tell me what I want to hear."

"What…do you want to hear?" Kurogane said hesitantly, heart breaking with every syllable. He knew in his heart what Fai wanted; it caused him pain. He knew he'd have to break Fai's heart again and again—every day from now on would be a lie, a twisted game of make believe. He didn't know that Fai's life was already a game, a wretched composite of paperwork and lies—he suspected it, but he didn't know. He also didn't know that he was the one redeeming thing in that life of darkness, a shining star amongst the darkness. He could never fathom the depths of Fai's devotion and adoration, how the boy practically worshiped the purity in their patchwork relationship. He'd never know until Fai told him, but Fai wouldn't, because…

He really was leaving one day. And he couldn't stand walking away from the light, from the pure white of their forged love. So he needed to dirty it, twist it into something awful and dirty. He needed to break his heart and sever his attachment now so the wound wasn't bleeding when he was forced to be reborn.

"Tell me you'd never lie to me," Fai breathed, clutching at Kurogane.

"I'd never lie to you, Fai, that's the truth," Kurogane swore.

"Tell me you don't love me—that you could never love me—break my heart," Fai commanded, hands shaking.

"I can't," Kurogane near sobbed. This was too much; this wasn't natural. It was twisting something so beautiful, it was polluting the very essence of their tentative innocence. "I can't do that to you."

Fai reached out and slapped Kurogane, hard, "If you love me, _do it_! Tell me nasty things, make me cry! Make me believe what people say about you—that you're cold and cruel! _Make me regret falling in love with you, dammit_!"

For the first time since his parents were killed, Kurogane felt tears rimming his eyes. He always wanted to hear those words from Fai, to finally know concretely what he knew instinctively… but not like this…

This was the only way to save Kurogane, Fai knew. But doing this would damn himself, sentence him back into the dark, once this was done, there was no way Kurogane could ever pull him back. He needed Kurogane in that world; he needed the light to return to.

"You don't love me," Fai prompted.

Kurogane was fucked—he could never say no to Fai. He could never refuse the blonde anything he wanted. He wished he could now, he wished he could tell him so firmly "No", even if it meant losing the life they had now. Even if loving him meant he would die. He wanted so badly to tell Fai he wouldn't do this… but he could never deny Fai anything he wanted or needed… and one look at the blonde's desperate face told him that, as twisted as it was… Fai both wanted and needed this right now, no matter how badly it hurt.

Kurogane swallowed, steeling his resolve. "You're right," he began, voice shaking, "I don't love you. You make me sick—I hate people like you. You're a coward and you're a liar." He thought he was going to be sick; he was breaking his promise. Fai was breaking and he couldn't protect him. "You're weak. I can't stand you—I only keep you around because you're an easy fuck. I even hate that; you're a dirty filthy slut—I bet you'd do anyone, right?" He couldn't do this, it hurt too much. "You lied to me and everyone else—everything you've said is a lie, huh? I bet even your sob story of a life is a lie. I can't stand you—you're weak and you disgust me."

Fai gave a keen of anguish, curling in on himself. Kurogane would never know how true his words rang; the depth of the wound he caused. He had no way of knowing that even though he was lying, his words were the truth to Fai—every single bit.

"I don't know why I'm keeping you around."

Fai felt the room sway under his seat, everything spinning as he reached hysterics. Nothing registered—not his own screaming sobs, Kurogane's desperate apologies and gentle hands desperately trying to soothe him, or the hot tears that fell on his face like rain. The world had shattered, and there was nothing left to hold onto, save for the words that tasted a lie. Even though he consciously accepted them as truth, one tiny part of him, the part that wanted to live in the light, knew the truth. It would be a long time before that part of him won, but it would eventually. It always did.

"You keep me because you love me, coward and all," he whispered before slipping into unconsciousness in Kurogane's arms.

**XxXxXxX**

They couldn't say it was easy living like they did. Weeks passed by, the world oblivious to their dramas, their pain. Nothing was simple anymore. They both were fragile now— the already broken blonde and the strong athlete. The simplest touches broke a new part of them, truth hidden behind the myriad of cracks and fractures, but they were healing.

They barely talked, but they often stared, their eyes silently filling the silence. Casual touches set them aflame, and they were healing.

The world was oblivious to them, but they too, were oblivious to the world.

**XxXxXxX**

Kurogane pulled his car into its customary parking spot next to his apartment. He switched off the engine, looking out the window absently. His eyes narrowed as he caught a glimpse of something odd. A man sat outside, across the street, on the bus bench, lazily smoking a cigarette. That in itself wouldn't be odd if the busses were still running, but everyone in Koryo knew that public transportation stopped picking up passengers after eight. It was now nine, so it was far too late for even the latest bus.

He stared through the growing twilight, gaze fixed upon the man. A newspaper was casually draped across his lap; he was far too well-dressed to simply be homeless. The man wore a dark suit, complete with tie, long hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. Suspicious point two; it was beginning to be dark, but the man still had on black-glass shades.

Kurogane slowly got out of his car, senses buzzing. While it was usual for him not to trust anyone, something within him wanted to pick up his phone and call the cops. He reasoned himself out of it, though, telling himself that it was probably a business man waiting for his mistress. He climbed the steps to his and Fai's apartment, feeling the man's eyes burning a hole in his back. He looked over his shoulder to find the man staring at him curiously, blindingly blue eyes glaring at him from over his sunglasses.

His breath caught. He'd only seen that shade of blue in one other; he swallowed, ignoring it, anxiously fitting his key into the lock, telling himself that he'd lock all four locks once he was inside. He did not like this mysterious stranger one bit. He threw open the door, slamming it behind him as he hastily stepped inside.

He turned, his hands quickly going through the unfamiliar movements of locking the two deadbolts and chain locks, as well as the thumb lock the door originally came with. The metallic clinks soothed him, even though they put him slightly on edge. He hadn't used these since he'd had them installed months earlier; he'd only put them on to soothe one of Fai's manic fits, when the blonde had been screaming nonsense about someone coming to get them.

His stomach dropped. He peered out the peephole, staring at the face of the man from across the street. He gulped.

When the hell had that man crossed the street!?

He placed his back against the door, suddenly grateful for the extra protection. He closed his eyes, fighting off the impending flashback he knew was coming, instead focusing on Fai's words from months before. Suddenly they didn't seem so crazy.

What was it that Fai had said again?

"_Dear god," Fai sobbed, grabbing Kurogane's shirt. "He's coming, Kuro-sama, he's coming!" _

_Kurogane blinked, reaching out to cup his boyfriend's face in his hands, "What? Who's coming Fai? What are you talking about?" _

"_**He**__is! He's coming to get me!" The blonde screamed in a panic, nails scrabbling at the cloth, fabric ripping underneath his frantic nails. "He's going to kill us, just like he killed them!" _

_Kurogane sighed; another attack. He pulled Fai close, holding him tightly; "Don't worry, I'll protect you," he whispered patiently. He held the boy through the night, through his frenzied screams and sobs, even when the blonde got violent, bruises blossoming from underneath Fai's pounding hands. _

Kurogane exhaled slowly; he'd ended up installing the locks the next day, which quieted Fai for the time being. Was this the man his boyfriend had screamed about?

"Dammit," he hissed. He turned to peer through the peephole again; the man was still there.

The soft sound of footsteps on wood behind Kurogane made the athlete jump.

"Oh, sorry if I—" Fai mumbled, raising an eyebrow curiously. Kurogane lunged forward, clamping his hand over the boy's mouth, pulling him close with his free hand. He lowered his head, lips brushing against Fai's ear, whispering; "**Shut it**. There's a man outside the door. He's been watching the house, and I don't like it. Go as quietly as you can and call the police. Tell them it's a man in a dark suit, about six-one with long dark hair."

Fai began to tremble against Kurogane, his lips contorting as he screamed against Kurogane's hand.

"**_Quiet_**!"

Tears streamed down Fai's face as he continued to scream hysterically.

There came a knock at the door; "Fai, dear, I know you're there; tell the other boy to open the door," a voice called, softened through the door.

Fai instantly quieted, face chalk white.

"Fai, do you know him?" Kurogane inquired, slowly removing his hand from over the boy's lips.

"It's… my father," Fai whispered.


	29. Exam Five: Clipped Wings

**A/N:** _There be_ angst. _Whoo. Y'know, I'm thinking about changing the summary for this story... It... doesn't do it justice, I think. Ah, well. Okay, uhm, I forgot to mention that there was a time skip last chapter. *smacks self* The very last part happens six weeks after their "breakup". (I put it in quotations because it's weird. =__-) Anyway, onward! I'm twenty pages from breaking three-hundred for this story. *GASP* Ashura is insane, but I luff him._

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**Gothix, Exam Five: **_Clipped Wings_

"It's… my father," Fai whispered. He could feel himself shaking in Kurogane's hold; his skin was burning underneath the junior's large hands, his heart fluttering. He felt like crying. Even though his father—_his father, oh god, it was over!_ — stood outside the door, he was more terrified of Kurogane than the man who had single-handedly destroyed his entire life. He clenched his trembling fists in an attempt to keep them still. Even so, they rose slowly, fingers stretching out towards the athlete. He wanted to touch. He wanted to feel. The way he was held against Kurogane could be mistaken for intimate, strong arm slung around his waist, hand on his shoulder, faces close. His lips trembled, tears welling in his eyes. He wanted… oh, god, he wanted… It was too much for his heart. He could feel it swelling and throbbing with such a sweet ache. Every beat tore at the fragile walls he had built, resolve crumbling away, fading at his feet. How long had it been since that night? God, too long; too long. Six weeks was too long without him. The tips of his fingers pressed into Kurogane's shirt, heat rolling through his chilled digits. The fabric was slightly damp under his touch from sweat; a slow sigh escaped his lips. It wouldn't be hard, would it, to just touch him once more? To fall back into his arms… to tell him everything… would it?

Another knock echoed through the apartment; "I know you're home, Fai. Open the door, please?"

Fai started, eyes wide. His hands flattened against Kurogane's chest and he shoved hard, disentangling himself; "Don't touch me. Whatever you do, don't touch me again!" he hissed dangerously, shaking in what seemed like anger.

Kurogane scowled, crossing his arms, "What's going on?!" he demanded lowly, "I thought you said your father was in prison."

Fai moved slowly to the door, hands fluttering as he undid the locks; "…Sakura did tell you that, didn't she? Well, it's obvious he's not," he muttered with a soft bitterness. His hand fell to the doorknob.

Kurogane reached out, snatching Fai's hand off the handle. "Don't you dare open that door, Fai," he snapped. "Not until you tell me why he went to jail."

Fai looked at Kurogane's hand stupidly, his wrist throbbing underneath the junior's vice-like grip. "You have no right to tell me what I can't do, Kurogane."

"This is my apartment, and I don't want any criminals in it."

Fai gave a high, crazed laugh, "Then why am _I_ here?" With a burst of strength Kurogane didn't know the smaller teen possessed, Fai tugged his wrist free, pulling the door open.

Kurogane watched in pain as Fai turned away from him, small shoulders tight as the blonde faced the man on the porch.

"Dad…"

Ashura smiled, eyes brightening, "There you are!" He stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Fai, hugging him tightly.

"Dad, why are you here?" Fai asked lifelessly, freezing underneath his father's arms.

"To see you, of course," Ashura stated, sounding slightly hurt. His arms loosened around the blonde, one falling to Fai's waist.

"Does anyone know?"

"Eagle does. But he's not here."

"Oh…" Fai swallowed. They were dead. They were going to die. Kurogane was going to die. _Not_ **Kurogane**. _Any_one but him. It was ineradicably painful. He'd gone through so much to prevent this day, and yet it still came. He turned slowly, staring at Kurogane in horror. They were going to die here. And he never got the chance to hold him one last time… His heart fluttered painfully against his sternum, watching the look of furry on his once-boyfriend's face. He almost cried; he knew Kurogane could care less if Ashura killed him, this pitiful excuse for a person. The elder felt nothing for him; it hurt so badly to know this, to see it on Kurogane's face, but he was safe. Finally, finally, Kurogane was safe. He could die knowing that Ashura would never lay a hand on the man he had fallen in love with was safe from him, the charade of life he kept while he waited for the final end to come. Ashura's hand closed around his hip.

"Is this the boyfriend you told me about?"

Fai looked up at his father, who was smiling across the doorway at Kurogane, free hand outstretched. "I'm Ashura Flowright. Nice to meet you…?"

"Kurogane Suwa," Kurogane grunted, reaching out to briefly shake Ashura's hand, looking rather irritated about the entire situation. "I've not heard a lot about you."

"Makes sense. Fai was always shy when it came to family," Ashura laughed. He gently squeezed the blonde, smile never fading. "I used to be a rather prominent political figure back home—people were always badgering Fai and my wife; I had to tell him strictly not to tell anyone anything. Fai was so small then, I'm afraid it rather traumatized him to the entire business."

Kurogane raised his eyebrow skeptically, "Really now? You've never said a word about it," he accused, looking pointedly at Fai.

Fai shrugged, "Didn't feel like it." _More like, I **can't**. _

"Though," the athlete continued, "I _have_ heard that you were in **jail**."

Ashura's face flickered momentarily to a rather unpleasant and frightening glare. Fai froze, his hands scrabbling to grab his father's shirt, "Dad!" he whispered in fear, "I didn't—"

And then it was gone; the man's face was back to its amicable smile, only now it was tinged with a slight melancholy. "Yes, well… I was recently acquitted. Surely you know Fai came to the retrial in April—he was a _great_ _help_."

Fai's eyes closed in pain as Kurogane made a slight noise of acquiescence. "So why are you here?"

"To make sure Fai's getting along well," Ashura said with a shrug. "May I come in? It's getting rather dark outside."

"No! No! You can't!" Fai shouted, turning to stare up at his father with wide eyes.

"Oh, my. Is there something you don't want me to see?" Ashura laughed, a slight edge of warning in his voice.

Fai gasped, realizing his fatal mistake: he'd accidentally revealed how badly he wanted to protect what little life he still had with Kurogane. "It… it's dirty in there," he mumbled, "I know how you like a clean house—if you had called… it could have been… cleaned…"

"It's alright, son. I've not seen you—really seen you—in what seems like forever. I can ignore a little mess for you this once."

"Why don't we all go out for dinner?" Kurogane suggested, hands shoved deep in his pockets. There was something off about the way those two acted. Not like father and son at all… more like… An abused dog and its master. He didn't like this. He didn't like the way Ashura was holding onto Fai; he didn't like the way Fai was looking at the man. He wondered briefly if they were really father and son, but the color of the adult's eyes was too similar to Fai's to be a coincidence. Speaking of eyes… He scowled deeply as Fai's eyes widened in terror, black washing away the blues of his irises. He knew that look; Fai was losing himself quickly. Something in him had triggered. It had finally happened; Fai had broken completely. He knew it was coming, and he knew there would be no salvation this time:

"_Can you really not stand being in the same room with me?" _

_Fai turned, face set; "No, I can't, Kurogane," he said icily. He clutched his bag to his chest, "I told you I was leaving." _

"_You are not leaving," Kurogane hissed, snatching the duffle bag from Fai's clutching fingers. "I will keep you locked in the bathroom if that's what it takes, but you are not leaving this place." _

"_I'll call the cops on you, I swear I will!" Fai shrieked, shaking uncontrollably. He reached out, tugging on the bag, "You have no say in what I do anymore! You'd be glad to be rid of me!" _

_Kurogane held tight to the bag, Fai's efforts nearly in vain. He knew he was being insufferably childish, and probably selfish to boot, but the least he could do was watch over the frail blonde and make sure no more harm came to him. It hurt to see how easily Fai dismissed his love; how readily he accepted those lies Kurogane had fed him under duress. He needed to make sure Fai didn't do anything reckless…and he needed Fai around so that he himself would not do anything stupid either. "You are staying here, and that's final!" _

_Fai gave one last tug before the bag came flying out of Kurogane's hands, tumbling to the floor, contents spilled out on the floor. _

_A moment of silence, then, dangerously low; "Fai, tell me those aren't what I think they are." _

"_Well, that would be lying wouldn't it?" Fai muttered haughtily, dropping to his knees to scoop up the menagerie of little white pills. _

"_How long have you not been taking your medicine?" _

_Fai sighed, shrugging, "Long enough for it to be apparent that I don't need them." _

_Kurogane snapped— he grabbed Fai by the collar, hauling him up to his feet, slamming the boy against the wall; "You fucking moron!" he raged, "Do you want to die, do you!? Do you want to go on with your stupid little game, toying with everyone around you until you break them all!? Do you want to make us sad!?" He pressed his forearm against Fai's throat as the boy struggled, face screwed up in terror and distress; the boy gasped, staring in wide-eyed horror as a fist was raised to strike. "Well,__** do you**__!? What the fuck is your damn problem!? Why are you doing this to me? Are you trying to _**punish** _me for something!?" _

_Fai clenched his eyes shut, sobs of terror leaving him even though he struggled to keep himself calm. He heard the sound of Kurogane's fist going through the air and he flinched horribly, waiting for the full strength of his ex-boyfriend to hit his face. He'd seen the damage Kurogane could inflict, and he had to admit, somewhere deep in his heart, that he'd deserved it. It would be retribution for toying with the junior. The pain never came. Instead he heard the crunch of plaster and wood next to his ear. He turned his head slowly to find Kurogane's fist embedded in the wall next to his cheek. He began to shake, his legs giving out from under him as Kurogane finally released him. _

_He looked up at the teen, who was staring down at him in sick horror. For a second, he thought Kurogane was going to throw up, but instead the athlete pulled his hand from the wall, bleeding and littered with splinters, shaking his head. "You're right, it's your business," he said hollowly, "Do whatever the fuck you want to. Just… do it here. That's all I want." _

_And then he left. _

Yeah, he'd known even before then, though, that Fai was breaking. He thought he had seen the worst of it that night when school started, when they officially ended. He knew now that Fai wasn't coming back. There was no saving him now. Fai wanted to break; he wanted to lose himself this time… so there was nothing Kurogane could do, because Fai wouldn't let him.

"No," Fai murmured, "No."

"That sounds like a wonderful idea," Ashura said over Fai's muffled protests. "Is there anywhere good nearby?"

"Yeah. 'Round the corner," Kurogane answered, grabbing a jacket. "Oi. Blondie," he snapped.

Fai looked at him blankly, wondering why in the world Kurogane was even bothering to talk to him outside of school. They never talked at home anymore. They only ever communicated to pretend—to fool everyone into thinking that they were still happy, that they were still together… a brutal, horrible lie. Fai hated school more than ever; he hated plastering that smile on, flirting shamelessly with a man who though him a whore, touching so easily, like it didn't hurt him every time… He hated the way his heart filled with hope every day, again and again, only to have it thrown on the rocks and stepped on once the three-thirty bell rang and Kurogane didn't have to have anything to do with him anymore. He shook in his father's grasp, fearing the next break to his glass heart.

"You get cold there, remember. Take it." Kurogane tossed the jacket to Fai, who caught it with trembling fingers, slowly shrugging it on.

"That's sweet of him, isn't it?" Ashura praised, grinning down at his son, "He's just as wonderful as you said he was."

"'S nothing special," Fai whispered, pulling the jacket around him tightly. "C'mon, I'll lead the way." He grabbed his father's hand, tugging him down the stairs.

Kurogane watched them for a minute before leaving himself, closing the door tightly behind him. Watching this hurt. He followed quietly, finding himself wishing that he was related to Fai—that he was his brother or cousin so that he could have some sort of claim upon the boy, so that he could protect him without pretense or sorrow. He wanted to be a part of the blonde, something vital to him—his heart—something that Fai couldn't live without. They were silly and stupid notions, but they were things that Kurogane found himself wishing often as of late. Moreover, he wished that his parents were still alive, that he didn't have to be so strong himself, that he could be young again like he used to be, so it wouldn't be so shameful to curl up and cry over these hurts. He wanted to be able to hug his mother again and have her hold him tight like she used to when he had nightmares, or have his father tell stupid stories until he was content again. He wanted the stability and assurance of love that these things brought, he wanted someone to share the sorrow with, for he was certain his parents would adore Fai just as much, if not more, than he.

Somewhere, deep in him, he was almost jealous of the sudden appearance of Fai's father. He didn't know the horror Fai attached to Ashura, nor the twisted nature of their relationship, so he was jealous, because this was someone that Fai loved. Had loved, and would love unconditionally—and somewhere this was true, even through the nightmares and abuse, Fai loved his father in a way a boy would always adore his first girlfriend or crush. But Kurogane didn't know this, and the chances of it ever being revealed were virtually zero.

He pushed his ridiculous thoughts aside, speeding up to catch up with Fai and his father, were standing at the corner, right in front of the small bistro they were headed to, waiting for him.

Fai didn't want to go in and eat. This place was the diner he and Kurogane often frequented during their dates, staying and flirting often past closing time, the owner joyfully egging them on, hoping to spy a kiss between the two between second and third desserts and coffee. They'd indulged her a few times, and the memories brought back bittersweet memories. Fai watched Kurogane jog towards them with sad eyes, their numerous dates playing back in his head like a film reel.

"_Aw, c'mon, just once probably wouldn't hurt nothing!" Caldina whined, leaning over the edge of the counter. _

_Fai giggled, blushing as he looked at Kurogane, "I have to agree with Caldina-chan." _

_Kurogane glared at the college girl, who shot back daggers of her own. "I'm not kissing this fool in public." _

"_The joint's closed for the night! You two, Oruha-san, and me are the only people here, brother. So get kissing and I won't charge you extra for making me stay past my shift." _

_Kurogane groaned in exasperation, grabbing Fai, yanking him off of his barstool, leaning up to kiss the blonde. Fai draped his arms around Kurogane's shoulders; he never cared about where they were when they were kissing, just that they were. He gave a happy sigh, lips molding gently against the elder teen's. Kurogane pushed his tongue against Fai's lips, hand resting on the boy's thin hip. Fai opened his mouth, leaning forward, tongue shyly moving against Kurogane's. _

_Caldina gave a whoop of appreciation, and Fai yanked away, finding himself thoroughly embarrassed, and for some reason, upset. Caldina winked at them, "Lemme get you two a drink, on the house this time," she chuckled, leaving the two to themselves for a second. _

"_Oi, what's wrong. You asked for it." _

"_Just… Kuro-sama didn't want to until Caldina-chan said she wouldn't…" A blithe smile crossed Fai's lips and he waved it away, "Never mind, it's nothing." _

"_You're really dumb, you know that right," Kurogane growled, tugging Fai forward. "I kissed you like that because I wanted to. Get it into your cute little head—I'll take any excuse to kiss you, because I sure as hell won't do it for no reason!" _

"… 'Clover', huh? It's a nice name," Ashura commented, looking over at his son, who was staring longingly at Kurogane.

Fai gripped his father's hand tighter, willing himself to quit thinking, to quit feeling. "You'll like the food here, daddy," he mumbled quietly, falling into the patterns of a small child. His mind was fleeing, withdrawing from the imminent pain. His mind was going into shock—he couldn't handle anymore, so his brain was doing the best it could to help him cope.

"Don't just stand there," Kurogane snapped once he reached the two, "Go in."

Fai scowled slightly, "No need to be rude," he muttered, affixing his best fake smile.

The three entered into the dusky atmosphere of the diner; the lamps were on low, and a few of the booths were filled with people eating and watching the store's owner, Oruha perform on the small stage that housed local poets and story-tellers. Clover was one of Koryo's many artistic hideouts, walls filled newspaper clippings, student art, and album covers. After nine they served alcohol, but even so, many teens still frequented the bistro for its delicious, inexpensive food and cozy atmosphere.

"Oi! You two!" Caldina hollered, startling the couple she was waiting on. She gave them their drinks with a grin, then stomped over to Fai and Kurogane, Ashura observing in the background. "What's the deal!? I've seen you two parading back and forth outside this place, but do you come in and at least say 'hi'? _Nah_!" She leaned forward, poking Kurogane repeatedly on the nose, "It's been months since you've come in here! Did'ya find some new place to go to? Did'ya think about me? Puttin' myself through college with this job, you know!"

Fai stepped between the girl and Kurogane, like he knew Caldina was expecting him to; "Now, now, Caldina-chan, we've been busy, you know," he soothed, waving his hand.

Caldina examined him thoroughly, "Y'know, Kimihiro-san's been in here with his boyfriend a few times lately. He's saying you two are having problems," she said anxiously. Fai swallowed. Of course; Watanuki was always so _damn_ perceptive.

"Do you believe everything you hear, Caldina-chan?" He chastised softly. "Now, I want you to meet someone. Caldina-chan, this is my father, Ashura."

Caldina looked at Ashura, raising an eyebrow, "And here I was thinking you were an orphan, Fai," she chuckled, holding out her hand for a handshake.

Ashura shook it firmly, "I will admit I've been absent from his life for quite a while," he conceded, "But it's good to know Fai has friends who worry about him."

Caldina laughed, "It's my job, mister! C'mon, I'll get you three seated." She walked off, waving the three along, who followed quietly. They sat in a secluded booth, near the back of the restaurant, with Fai and Kurogane sitting awkwardly together, Ashura seated across from them. "I'll let you see the menu," she said, handing one to the man, "And you two, I'll get you the normal thing."

Fai inwardly groaned, laying his head on the table with a slight bang as Caldina walked away. The "normal thing" encompassed them sharing food _the entire damn meal_.

"Here, I'll order something else, you and your father can share," Kurogane mumbled, holding out his hand for Ashura's menu.

Ashura frowned, "Is something wrong?"

"Normally Fai and I share quite a bit of food, but…"

"But what?" The man inquired innocently, smile curling across his lips.

Fai looked up in horror. It had been years since he'd spent any sort of prolonged time with his father, but he was still able to detect every nuance in his father's seemingly constant smile. He knew when the waters were dangerous, and the way his father's eyes gleamed… He shuddered; he remembered that look. It was the look he got every time he was found in his mother's lap, or curled up in _his _bed sleeping. It was that look of jealous possession that always followed the fall to the floor, the large hands over his frame, the pain. His heart leapt into his throat; he needed to stop beating around the bush, he needed to out themselves now so that Kurogane always remained safe. He could feel the heat of the other next to him, that delicious heat of life… he needed to keep it so. He wanted to protect that, lose himself in that heat, be delirious in a life with Kurogane… but he must protect it first. He opened his mouth, ready to spill the truth—rather, what he thought was the truth—but Kurogane beat him.

"It's a special occasion, is it not?" The teen commented dryly, shrugging; "You said yourself that you've not seen Fai for a long stretch of time. Hell, I shouldn't even be intruding like this."

"No, no, Kurogane-san, it's a pleasure to have you with us. I've wanted to spend time with you since Fai mentioned you; I want to see if you're the one for my son. I'm very protective of him, you see—he's very important to me."

Fai couldn't stand it; he was going to be sick. He sat up, reaching out to push Kurogane aside, then hesitated, stomach twisting even more at the thought of touching the elder. The sentiment was shoved aside as bile rose in his throat; his hands pressed against Kurogane's arm, shaking him gently. Kurogane looked into wide, sad eyes, scowling slightly.

"I'm going to be sick," Fai whispered in a soft voice, almost as if he were asking for permission to do so.

Kurogane bolted out of the booth, allowing Fai to scramble away, throat convulsing as his hands covered his mouth. He watched the boy run towards the back of the shop, roughly pushing past the bathroom doors. He stood there, speechless, half torn with the want to follow Fai.

The small, black part of his mind told him to sit, and he did so, allowing that bitter, love-sick, portion of himself persuade him into believing that he was the reason Fai was so stressed and sick.

"Are you going to go check on him?"

Kurogane looked blankly at Ashura; "No. I doubt he'd appreciate that," he said flatly. "You go."

Ashura rose, "If you insist." He shrugged, then breezed off in the direction his son went.

**XxXxXxX**

This wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all. He'd given up everything—everything!— and still, and still… his father was taking from him. What had he ever done; what sins had he committed? There was nothing more to take. Nothing more to give. His heart was gone, empty and hollow; his life was a meaningless blur of lies. He had tried to redeem himself, but in the end, that too failed, like everything else in his life. He wanted to live, but if living meant sacrificing him… he wouldn't do it.

He sank to the floor, trembling. He laid his head against the stall's wall, concentrating on not hyperventilating. He was glad he was in here alone. He rolled his sleeves up, fingers fumbling into his pocket. He hated this, but he had to. He had to.

But it would be a lie to say that he didn't want it.

His fingers closed around the smooth wooden handle of his pocketknife, breath shuddering out of him in a quiet sigh. He wondered what would happen if he killed himself here. Who would find him? Would they try to save him? Would anyone cry?

…Would Kurogane be upset?

His chest burned with that thought, fingers curling tighter around the knife; it hurt to imagine. Surely not. Surely not. Why would he be sad? Why would anyone be sad? He wouldn't be missed. Kurogane would be better off if he died—he would be happier if he died.

He pulled it out; somewhere in his mind, he was tentatively hoping, so carefully praying…That Kurogane would come and save him again.

The door opened, heavy footsteps falling across the tiled floor. "Are you in here?" Ashura pushed open the door to Fai's stall, finding his son curled on the floor bitterly sobbing.

He was so _stupid_! For even allowing himself to hope anymore! Hadn't he learned the bitter truth already!? There was no one left in the world who would come for him… save for his father.

"Oh, Yuui, dear," Ashura sighed, kneeling down, "What _are_ you doing?" He reached out, yanking the knife from his son's limp hand, deftly flicking it shut with a practiced twist of his wrist. "Were you going to hurt yourself with this?"

"Yes." He hated this, being reduced to this beneath his father's meticulous eyes. Sobs bubbled out of his throat, choking horribly as he tried to restrain himself. "I hate this!"

"What do you hate?"

"Everything!"

Ashura sighed, settling himself down on the floor, "Now that's not good at all. …I don't like seeing you like this, Yuui. Where's the smile I remember, hmm?"

"Gone, gone! It's dead, he's dead! That boy is dead!" Fai hissed through his tears, "I can't smile anymore!"

"…Whose fault is this?" A scowl flickered across his father's face and Fai froze. Dangerous. This was dangerous. Something horrible was going to happen. Bad. Catastrophic. No.

_Kurogane._

"Is it that boy's? Did he do this to you?"

Fai shuddered at the gleam in his father's eyes. Dangerous. Bad. Horrible. Horrifying. No, no, no…

"Has he hurt you?"

He had hurt him, indelibly so. It would be easy to give in to the pain and bitterness… No. _No._ _**No**__._

"Look at all these scars," Ashura murmured, tracing the milky web of raised skin on his son's forearms; "He doesn't abuse you, does he?"

_No. __**No**__. __**No. **_

"Anyone who hurts your happiness needs to suffer," his father hissed, smile finally leaving his face.

Dead. Kurogane was dead. Good as dead if he didn't say something now—

"No!"

"Excuse me?"

"Yo-you've got it all wrong, dad!" Fai whimpered, throwing his arms around his father. "I did this to myself! He's nothing to me! It's not what everyone thinks! We went on maybe three dates to see if it would work, and it didn't—but everyone still thinks we're together because we're living together!"

"And why are you living together?"

"My apartment—there's always something wrong with it," Fai hiccupped, pushing his face against Ashura's neck, praying his father wouldn't pick up on the lie.

"I've left you more than enough money to fix some apartment," Ashura scolded, wrapping his arms around Fai's waist. "One day you'll have to spend it on something."

"I don't like it, though! I don't like living there, I don't like it here!"

Fai held tight to his father, trembling as he felt the last threads holding him sane fall away. He'd thrown himself back into the lion's den, and he was going to be eaten alive.

Ashura sighed, looking down at his son. It was such a heavy feeling, knowing that the boy he cherished was lying to him to save another. It hurt him to know he deserved the fear his son dedicated to him, but… it was something he couldn't help; it was something he had to do then. He didn't want Yuui to be unhappy. He wanted his son to live a life free of him, but every time he gave the boy the chance to be rid of him… Yuui looked the other way, froze in some sort of way, or went just short of freeing his entire life of his father.

He had sentenced his son to a horrible life; no matter how he tried to right it, it never worked… The old madness was creeping up again…

"Then why don't we become a family again, Yuui?" Ashura asked, sliding his hand through his son's hair, eyes becoming oddly unfocused. "You and me, huh? Just like it used to be… We can be happy again, like we used to, when you were so young and innocent…"

"No, dad, I can't."

Ashura ran a finger across Fai's cheek, brushing a lock of hair away from the boy's lips. "…You look so much like your mother," he murmured, leaning forward. Fai closed his eyes, tears falling down his face as his heart was broken again and again with every touch his father showered on him.

He was leaving this place soon. There was nothing anyone could do to stop him. In fact, he had already left the second he heard his father at the door—this was nothing more than a grotesque masquerade at life… This was nothing more than living death. He had died the second his father showed up here in Koryo…no, he had died before that, when the ghost of his memories had forced him to leave Kurogane…

"Why won't you let me have you, Yuui? You promised me…"

Fai let himself submit to the truth—he would never belong to anyone ever again. Until the day he truly died, he would always be his father's. No one could save him; not Kurogane, not the Gothix, not Ohjiro or the government… Ashura would always find him, no matter where he was hidden, so the only option was to not even try to hide.

It was the only way he could keep him safe.

**XxXxXxX**

"Kurogane-san!"

Kurogane looked up, scowling up at Watanuki, "What?" he demanded tonelessly. He didn't want to deal with this right now.

"It's weird seeing you alone in here," Watanuki laughed with a shrug, sliding into the seat across from the athlete.

"Fai's here."

"Oh? Really? That's good. You two should spend time together. It's been sounding like you two have had problems lately."

"It's none of your business."

Watanuki sighed, standing, "I see when my company isn't wanted," he huffed. "I'm leaving Doumeki waiting anyway…"

Suddenly, something occurred to Kurogane. "Wait!" he called, rising half-out of his seat; "You know a lot about Fai, don't you?"

"Well," Watanuki sighed, turning slightly, "Not a lot. Just what Yuuko-san and Clow-san talk about, and what he's accidentally let slip."

"Do you know what his father was put in jail for?" Kurogane asked, slightly hurried.

A dark look passed across Watanuki's face, his eyes narrowing in anger, "Well, I don't know the details, but… from what it sounded like, Fai was sexually abused and—"

Kurogane exploded up from his seat, the table crashing into the floor as he pushed away from it.

"What the _hell_ are you doing!?" Watanuki demanded, jumping out of Kurogane's way, who was making a beeline for the bathroom; "_What's your damage_?!"

**XxXxXxX**

"I'd never break my promise," Fai whispered faintly, repressing a shudder as his father touched him. He wished he could, but he could never endanger others to that point. He'd have to build that wall again, slowly fit in every brick, closing away the cracks, shutting them out. He could never bring anyone inside again. It just wasn't possible—the guilt would kill him; no one could ever understand how dangerous it was to be affiliated with him.

He submitted quietly, mind and body too numb to feel the pain every touch brought upon him. It wasn't like he cared anymore—it wasn't like he was here anymore.

**XxXxXxX**

A small bird between his fingers. So infinitesimal yet so heartbreakingly beautiful. A small bird with delicate feathers, trembling in his palm. It shudders so beautifully, feathers shake and quiver, eyes glassy with fear.

A beautiful blue-white bird, glossy and healthy in his hand; it is so wondrously, rapturously striking that he cannot help but stare. This little bird flew into his cupped hands for him to care for, it trusted him enough to sit here, but it is still scared.

Just like that other bird; the one he had ripped the wings from for his own joy. So much like it… He has a second chance now; he can choose to close his fingers around those delicate white wings or nudge the small bird back to freedom.

He cannot help it; his fingers close tightly around the small feathers, crushing the wings beneath his palms, but he leaves just the tiniest glimmer of light between the bars of his fingers…

So that the beloved bird could be freed.

**XxXxXxX**

He could feel those lips upon his, cold and searching for something he didn't have. They were passionate in such a distant way, the hands on his face and hair soft and soothing. Those touches filled him with ice, chilling him slowly. He wondered if this was what a corpse felt like, cold and unfeeling. He wondered if he was even still breathing.

He leaned back, bracing himself against the cold tile floor; everything… anything… he would do it. To keep him safe… and to make sure that he still had his father's love.

It was a quiet thought at the back of his head, a small fear from the time where he was naïve and young; he desperately wanted his father to love him. He remembered his mother crying after every fight they had, he remembered his own tears at his father's cruel words. The hope every time his father looked at him… It was twisted, but he still… feared being hated. And… his father was the only one left in the world who could love him.

So he let it happen.

He succumbed to his father's wills… and then the door opened.

**XxXxXxX**

Kurogane had never had a good temper; not even when he was a younger, gentler person. Even so, he'd only ever felt this degree of rage once before… and it had ended in murder.

He was so angry he literally saw red, then white, before the scene focused in crisp detail before his eyes.

Fai, sprawled out on the floor, face white, with… that man… atop him, hands all over him, kissing him.

_His_ Fai. _No one _touched Fai without **his** permission. Not even now. _He_ was the only one who could touch him. _Never _anyone else. Fai was _his. _Not to mention that this was his _father_. Disgusting. That man needed to get his hands _the fuck off_!

He stomped forward, his hands curling into Ashura's long hair, yanking the man up. He slammed the man against the wall, hands slipping to his throat, squeezing. "If I ever see your god-dammed face near Fai again, I will kill you in the most horrible way I can ever think of," he hissed, squeezing tighter with every syllable. He let the man go, then threw in a punch for good taste. "Don't _**ever**_ touch him again—he's **mine**."

Ashura caught his punch in his hand, panting slightly; "Watch who you're messing with," the man sneered, twisting Kurogane's wrist until it made a horrible cracking noise. Kurogane barely noticed, seething in blind rage.

"Don't fucking talk to me!" Kurogane brought his knee up into Ashura's stomach, then as the man doubled over, his elbow came crashing down upon the flat of his back between the shoulder blades. Ashura crumbled to the floor, Kurogane snarling over him. "Screw that, I should kill you now, right here," he spat, grinding his heel into the man's back; "String you up as a warning for anyone who tries to mess with _**my**_ _boyfriend_." He reached down, yanking Ashura's head up by his hair; "You understand me, bastard? You're fucking scum. He's your fucking _son_!" He brought his foot viciously into the man's side, who began to cough at the abuse; "I don't even want to know why—I don't even care if you feel sorry for what you've done—I see you around him again, I see you breathing the same air as him, hell, if I hear you thinking about him, _I will __**personally**__ see to your castration and your death_."

With that, Kurogane let go of Ashura's hair, shaking his hand like he was disgusted at touching the man, turning slowly to face Fai, who was backed up against a wall, a look of utter terror plastered upon his face.

Kurogane knelt down in front of the boy, reaching out. Fai shrank away, whimpering loudly, tears flowing freely down his face. His clothes were in disarray, and his face was drained of all color. He looked bad; Kurogane hadn't noticed how thin Fai had gotten or how sallow his skin looked before now.

"No," he whispered, stricken. "No. You shouldn't have…"

"Like hell I should've!" Kurogane roared, "You wanted him molesting you!?"

"Oh, god, no! Please don't! Not him!"

Kurogane scowled, anger blazing even hotter, "What the hell do you mean?!" Then he stopped—his blood ran cold as he realized that Fai's horror-filled were not trained upon him, but his father. He turned his head slowly, staring up at the man behind him.

"Well, well," Ashura coughed, gun trained upon the two teens. "It seems that someone's been lying again." With a speed that Kurogane would never expected the thin man to have, Ashura lunged forward, flinging the athlete, who was at least the same size—if not slightly larger—as he, to the side, lifting Fai up into the air, slamming him into the wall, gun pressed into the skin of his throat.

"You've always been good at lying, my dear, haven't you? You've been even better at running away; you won't be staying in this quaint little town for long, will you?"

Fai whimpered, turning his head away from his father, eyes screwed up tight. Ashura pressed the mouth of the gun harder into Fai's neck, skin turning white and red from the pressure.

"You _lied_ to me; you broke your promise little Fai. I want you to keep it," the man growled, "If you don't, I'll know. And next time, it won't be me coming to make sure. It will be Eagle…"

Tears fell heavier down Fai's cheeks, and with a loud sob, he fainted dead away. Ashura moved the gun from his neck to his temple, "And you _obviously _know what that means," he said with a smile. He dropped the boy, now limp, to the floor. "Too bad you don't give a damn about this boy, Fai. His efforts will be valiant, I suppose, but… in vain." His grin widened as he pocketed the gun, casting a look at Kurogane who was half-conscious on the other side of the small single-restroom, "I don't know what you see in my son, but I suggest you stop seeing it. This will only bring pain for the both of you."

And with that, he sauntered from the room.

Seconds later, Watanuki raced into the room, face pale. He was followed by Clow, who was in uniform, face grave.

He knelt down before Kurogane, "Kurogane, what happened?" he inquired.

"…The hell?" Kurogane grunted, stirring. He ran his hand through his hair, fingers touching something damp and sticky. He stared at his palm, wet with blood. He groaned slightly; he must have hit something when that bastard threw him. He tried to lean up, putting pressure on the wrist Ashura twisted then gave a yelp of pain. He looked down to find his wrist already swollen. "Fuck, it's broken."

"Kurogane, answer me!" Clow demanded sharply, "What happened here?!"

"Who called you?"

"I…I did," Watanuki admitted hesitantly, "I followed you after you ran off and saw you attack that man, so I called Clow-san."

"Kurogane, were you provoked?" Clow prompted, "You need to answer honestly."

"It was self defense."

"What actions were taken against you?"

"Bastard pulled a gun. He was… Fai—he—that was his father, _dammit_!" Kurogane hissed, anger swelling through his confusion. "Fucking bastard was his _father_!"

"Kimihiro, check on Fai," Clow ordered, expression grim. Watanuki frowned, but stepped over to the fallen blonde, leaning over to gently maneuver the boy into his lap, checking his pulse and breathing. "Kurogane, are you _certain_ that man was Fai's father?" he inquired, voice low. "What was his name?"

"Ashura Flowright." Kurogane glared at his former probation officer, face set into a snarl. He stiffened though, as he watched the blood drain from Clow's face.

"He said that was what his name was?"

"Yeah," the teen answered, unsettled at seeing Clow so agitated.

"Kurogane, I need you to do what I say. I am going to escort you home in my car—don't protest, I _know_ it's only a block away, but necessary precautions need to be taken. Lock the doors and close all the blinds. Do not answer your phone. Do not answer the door. Stay low—I need you to either lie down or sit on the floor away from the windows and turn off all your lights. Do not even _move_ once you're there. Once I've cleared things up here, I will come and escort you both to the hospital to get your wounds cleaned up; you will know it's me—I still have the key to your apartment."

Kurogane's anger drained from him, only to be replaced with something completely unusual: Fear. In all the time he had known Clow, the man had always been jovial and laid-back—now he was completely serious; he even looked a little anxious himself. "Clow, what's this all about…?"

"I can't tell you any more than Ashura Flowright is a very dangerous man. He's not supposed to be here at all."

"Why not?"

"I can't tell you," Clow repeated. "Fai's the only person who could—but not even he can."

The man stood, eyes sweeping the room. "Stay here for a moment—I'm going to pull my car up to the entrance."

Both Kurogane and Watanuki watched in concern as Clow swept from the room.

"I've never seen him so serious," Watanuki whispered. Kurogane crawled over to Fai and Watanuki, finding himself too dizzy to stand. Every move made his wrist throb in protest and his vision swim while the room spun around him, but he pushed the sensations away, completely focused on reaching the blonde.

Watanuki moved aside, allowing Kurogane to transfer the unconscious boy into his arms.

"What happened?"

Kurogane pulled Fai into his arms, shielding the boy with his body, cradling him close. "Fai probably doesn't want anyone to know," he whispered thickly, pressing his face against his ex's damp cheek. "He… he probably doesn't know that it's wrong." He found that his voice cracked, so he shut up, slowly rubbing Fai's back with his uninjured hand.

Watanuki studied the two for a long time, then stood, dusting off his pants; "You two… broke up, didn't you?"

"…He ended it," Kurogane muttered.

Watanuki winced, hearing the lost pain in the older teen's voice. For years, Kurogane hadn't been anything more to him but a fixture in his life—a name he heard on the gossips' lips, a bully in the background, one of his father's troubled wards. He had always been the scary, stoic figure in the back of the picture, brooding and quiet with a horrible temper and a hell of a punch. He had never been a person until just recently, a year ago when Fai had become enamored with him for the first time. He was still getting used to accepting that Kurogane wasn't just angry, he was kind too—and now he was lost.

Watanuki wondered if, before Fai… if Kurogane was just that, a two dimensional figure in the world, waiting for someone to come breathe life into him. He himself had certainly felt that way before Doumeki… And even before that—he couldn't understand how he lived before Fai. He knew Sakura, too, felt the same. Even Shaoran had a debt to Fai—without him, the drummer had admitted one day, he and Sakura may have never gotten together. (Watanuki didn't quite believe that—he had slowly begun to buy into Yuuko's theories that those who were meant to be together would always, somehow, be together in the end.) He imagined losing Fai himself—if Fai had up and decided one day not to be his friend anymore… It was such a lonely feeling… and yet, he knew, he understood that Kurogane's loneliness was a hundred times that—a thousand times that… for anyone could plainly see how in love he was with Fai. Fai was his world… and his world… suddenly decided it didn't want to be there anymore.

"I… I can't tell you it will be better, that he will come around," Watanuki said awkwardly, "But… I can tell you that… Fai has his reasons about everything… and it must have been one hell of a reason because we all can see… that he loves you."

Kurogane snorted; "Yeah, kid, I know… I just wish…" He trailed off, eyes growing unfocused. After an awkward moment, he cleared his throat, pulling Fai tighter to him.

They stayed in silence for a few more moments before Clow came back in, carrying a blanket in his arms. "Wrap Fai in this—he may be in shock," the man instructed.

Kurogane ignored the pain in his wrist, carefully draping the blanket around Fai's body. He stood slowly, wobbling a bit at first as the wound on his head throbbed. He cast his eyes around the room to find what he had hit; a bright red spot stood out against the crisp metal of the pipe that extended from under the small white sink. Kurogane grimaced—well, it was better than hitting the sink itself. He'd be lucky if his skull wasn't cracked. He bent down, scooping Fai into his arms. He scowled softly, feeling that the blonde weighed at least ten pounds lighter than he had six weeks ago.

He had been so wrapped up in his own pain that he ignored Fai slowly wasting away in front of him.

"How do you feel?" Clow waited for a few moments, then frowned, "Kurogane? Did you hear me?"

"What? Oh… uh… dizzy as hell. Wrist hurts," he answered curtly. He looked down at the blonde, "I'm more worried about this idiot, really."

Clow peered down into Kurogane's eyes, worry deepening the already drawn face; "I think you might have a concussion—is your vision normal?"

"A little blurry, but—"

"Keep on top of that—when we get to the hospital you'll need to tell them everything. Can you walk?"

"Standing aren't I?"

"Well, come on; keep your head down."

Kurogane hesitantly followed Clow, swaying slightly as he moved, careful not to jostle Fai too much. The boy moaned in his arms, face damp with tears and sweat. Kurogane was anxious for the boy to wake up. Nasty purple bruises were beginning to form around his neck and upper arms, vivid against pale sweaty skin. It was only sheer determination that kept him going; once he had safely deposited Fai into Clow's car, he lurched forward, bracing himself against his knees (his wrist screaming in protest), and vomited. A combination of disgust, worry, and ever-growing pain made his stomach churn horribly, his throat convulsing. He spat out a mouthful of bile, vision going black.

"Hold it together until Fai wakes up," Clow urged, helping the teen up and into his car. Kurogane nodded, wiping the back of his mouth with his uninjured arm, jaw clenched as the world spun even faster. "I'll help him into your apartment, okay? Here."

Kurogane reached out, taking a piece of cloth, "What…?"

"Hold it to your head—you're still bleeding."

"Oh…" Clow slid into the car, quickly shutting the door. They drove the block to Kurogane's apartment, stopping right in front of his stairs. The man got out first, his hand close to his gun as he surveyed the surroundings. Then he leaned forward, opening the back door to take the unconscious blonde into his arms as Kurogane clumsily got out himself.

Once inside the apartment, Clow hastily went around, shutting off all the lights as Kurogane laid Fai out on the floor near the couch, pulling off blankets and pillows to make sure the boy was comfortable.

"Stay here—remember what I said. I'll be back as soon as I can."

Kurogane nodded, following Clow to the door. Once the man was out, he awkwardly did all the locks, his fingers fumbling against the cold metal. Once that task was done, he made his way back to the younger teen, collapsing next to him, eyes sliding shut. He couldn't remember what his coach had told the team to do in case of head injuries—something about having someone with them at all times… He was fairly certain he wasn't supposed to sleep—or was that something else entirely? The pain from his head and wrist bounced off each other, making thinking near impossible. He felt himself slide down onto the floor, head landing on something soft. He could feel the soft rise and fall of Fai's chest, as well as the muffled thud of the boy's heart. He could only assume he'd landed on the blonde's stomach. He made to move, but found himself unable to, too close to unconsciousness himself to shift.

He fought against the blackness, trying to focus on something besides escaping the pain. And it wasn't just the pain from his injuries that he wished to escape from. His thoughts drifted to Fai and what had happened, not just that night, but a month and a half ago. Were they in some way connected? Why was Clow acting so weird… why did it hurt so much? He'd had many injuries before in the course of his sports career, especially in kendo, but nothing had ever hurt this badly. At least his wrist was getting better—or worse, depending—he could barely even feel it anymore. He felt Fai shift below him, the boy groaning softly as he came to.

Fai blinked his eyes open, entire body sore and tight. It was dark, pitch black in the room. Something heavy and wet was on his stomach. He shuddered, memories of his father and Kurogane fighting flashing through his mind's eye. A small whimper escaped his mouth as he shot up, the weight of his stomach falling against his thighs.

"Uhn."

Fai blinked, hands going to the noise. His fingers collided with a face, damp with perspiration and something else, something stickier and thicker. Blood. "…who…?" his hands met short hair, and he moaned softly. "What…?"

"Sh, be careful," Kurogane muttered, voice heavy. "Clow said to keep low."

"Clow, oh, did the police come?" Fai whimpered desperately.

"I think he told them to lay off," Kurogane grumbled.

"…are you…?"

"Don't worry about me," came Kurogane's gruff reply; "What about you? You had a gun pointed at you."

"I…it's nothing I'm not used to," Fai admitted faintly. He squinted, his eyes adjusting to the almost-nonexistent light. "Please… don't… worry about me. Don't waste your time. Are you okay? Your face is bloody." In fact he could feel it seeping through his jeans, warm and sticky against the skin of his thighs. His hands trembled, fingers carding through Kurogane's hair absently. It brought back memories of when they were intimately close; sometimes they would lie together like this for ages, simply enraptured by the warmth and softness of two bodies pressed so close. A tremor overtook Fai, and with a soft sob, he realized that this could possibly be the last time they would ever be close again, whether he left or not.

"I'm okay," Kurogane insisted.

"Liar," Fai whimpered; he could feel the blood from Kurogane's head. He remembered the awful crack of the elder's wrist during the fight.

"Fine, I have a concussion, probably. Least, that's what Clow said."

"Your wrist…?"

"Broken, more than likely."

"Oh… Kurogane, you stupid, foolish—"

"You know, I… I miss those stupid nicknames," the athlete interrupted. One by one, he could feel tears falling against his face. He opened his eyes, finding Fai leaning over him. The boy's face was beautifully contorted, eyes screwed shut, lashes damp and dark from the tears that fell, lips trembling as he sobbed silently. "I miss you," Kurogane continued.

"You've really hurt your head," Fai hiccupped, breath hitching. "You can't. I'm horrible, I'm dirty, I'm dangerous. Why didn't you listen to me? Why? You saw, you saw! Why did you have to do that—I never asked to be saved!"

Kurogane lifted his hand, taking one of Fai's in it, squeezing tightly; "You didn't have to ask, I knew."

"God," Fai wailed, "You have to hate me, you just have to! I told him you didn't love me and you went and did that!"

"I don't know what game you're playing, so I played my own."

"What's that supposed to mean, you idiot? You almost died! He could have easily turned that gun on you—I have to do what he wants, oh, Kuro-sama, I can't keep living like this—it's either him or nothing for me; protecting me won't help a thing. You'll _die_."

Kurogane gave a short laugh, eyes fluttering close. "That's more like it. It doesn't sound right when you say it. Cutesy is more your thing. Besides, I've _told _you… I won't die." He could feel himself losing his grip on consciousness, "And… if it comes down to it, I'd be glad to die protecting you. Isn't that… what…love…is…?"

Fai could tell that Kurogane was fading; "You're tired, it's okay… I'll watch you," he promised, squeezing the elder's hand, "I'll be here, I promise you; I'll protect you this time. Go to sleep."

He leaned down, gently pressing his lips to Kurogane's, tears dripping freely onto the athlete's cheeks. There was a gentle pressure against Fai's lips before Kurogane dropped off, hand slackening slightly as the elder finally escaped. Fai straightened, leaning against the back of the sofa, crying loudly, almost hysterically.

He didn't want to leave this at all. His walls weren't working. Building barriers against feelings that had already invaded his heart didn't work at all. It made them worse, more intense. Trying to forget Kurogane made him love him even more.

He hated to admit it, but somewhere in his heart, he had been praying that the junior would come and save him.

But that was no good—if Kurogane always saved him, how was he supposed to get stronger? How could he live without him if he grew dependent on the elder teen?

It just wasn't fair!

**XxXxXxX**

_He'd never seen such a beautiful bird. So small and delicate. He'd never seen one with such a soft blue color either. It was almost too beautiful too look at. _

_But it held itself oddly. Instead of sitting tall and singing proudly like all the other birds, it hunched upon itself, wings tucked tightly to its side, tail almost limp. Its eyes were sad and dull. _

_He reached out tentatively, holding his outstretched palm in front of the small little thing. It tilted its head, chirping softly. _

_It was such a beautiful sound. A song from the bird would be joy in itself. The bird hesitantly hopped into his hand, careful not to extend its wings. _

_He brought it to his chest, cradling the creature in cupped hands, slowly nurturing it until it could sit tall again, eyes bright. _

_And yet it would not open its wings. It would not fly. _

_It never left the safety of his hand. It went with him everywhere, singing a song only he could hear. Such a sad song it sang, yet so cautiously happy. _

_And came the day it needed to fly away to protect itself. He could not do anything for it; the bird needed to fly itself, away to safety. It hopped away in a feeble attempt at escape, and at the last minute, it expanded its wings… _

_They were clipped and plucked, bloody and in disarray. It wasn't that the bird wouldn't fly, it was that it couldn't. Someone had taken away its will. _

_The bird stared at him sadly in that moment, carefully tucking its wings away, turning from him in shame. It could not be like the others; it hid its wings. What was once its pride, its sole possession, was no longer usable, no longer there. Broken and pitiful…_

_But that made it so much more beautiful. _


	30. Lesson Sixteen: Fallout

**A/N: **_Eh, it took longer to update than I thought. Sorry. It's just, a friend of the family had surgery, so my mom and I have been going to help her out, so I've not been home. And now, I'm under house arrest because I have six projects and three books, and god, hopefully nothing else, due… in, well, a week or so. *dies* _

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson Sixteen: **_Fallout_

The night began to creep upon the town; as the world grew black, so did the apartment, plunging Fai into utter blackness, so thick he could reach out and touch it. He was thankful for the protection it offered, even though he was considerably surprised that Clow knew to tell Kurogane what to do—how to assure their safety.

"…Uhng…"

Fai started, heart sputtering quickly along. Kurogane had surprised him; he'd been sitting in silence for the longest time—it wasn't as if he'd _forgotten_ his ex's presence (how could he when the simple fact he was there made his hear throb with every beat?), he'd simply grown accustomed to his unmoving sleep. His fingers gently squeezed Kurogane's hand, hoping to comfort the elder just a little.

"…It's so dark."

"Yes, it is," Fai agreed placidly. "Clow will be here soon, don't worry. It must hurt, I know…"

Kurogane weakly returned Fai's squeeze, shaking his head. Fai gave a soft whimper, tugging his hand away from Kurogane's. He held the athlete's head in place, cool fingers pressed gently against Kurogane's temples. "Don't move," the blonde scolded. "You act like you've never had a head injury before."

"I haven't. _You_ must have."

Fai sighed, hoping Clow would come back for them soon. It wasn't good for Kurogane to go unchecked for this long. He needed some sort of pain medication and an X-ray. "I'm sorry," he breathed.

"…not your fault, idiot."

"I disagree, but I'm not going to fight someone with a head injury," Fai huffed.

The two were silent for a moment, and then; "Why was Clow so serious?"

"…Pardon?"

"Why was Clow all freaked out about your father? Y'know, the turn off the lights and stay low crap?"

Fai gave a long sigh, fingers slowly stroking Kurogane's hair. "Y'know, the bleeding's stopped. That's good…"

"Answer me, Fai."

Fai shook his head, "Go back to sleep."

"Not until you tell me."

"Kurogane…"

"You're doing it again. You're always so damn hypocritical."

"That's who I am," Fai whispered sorrowfully. "I'm sorry, but… I can't tell you anything more than that. If I could… I would."

"It's not that you can't—you just won't," Kurogane snapped. Fai's hands paused over his forehead, hovering over his skin.

Fai hung his head, slowly pressing his hands against Kurogane's eyes, "Sleep, Kuro-sama, please. I don't want to argue right now."

"I feel like you're trying to escape. Like you're just waiting for me to sleep so you can leave."

Fai laughed bitterly, "I'll be here until you wake up. After that… I don't know. But I'll be here until then, okay? I won't leave until you're safe again. I promise you that."

Kurogane grunted, "I'll hold you to that." Silence.

And then…

"I'd be upset if you left."

"…you hit your head _really_ hard, didn't you?"

"_Shut up_."

**XxXxXxX**

While the dark was safe, supposedly, it plagued him with nightmares. Living terrors chattered away in the dark, the smell of alcohol and ash filled his nose, the scent of drying blood making it even worse. He could feel his hands trembling against Kurogane's skin. He bit his lip, chewing anxiously. It couldn't be long—it hadn't been too long…

The sound of the door being pushed open scared him out of his wits; as the white-hot beam of a flashlight cut into his irises, he screamed, hands flying to cover his face.

"Hey, hey!" Clow rushed over to the two, prying Fai's hands away, "Shh!"

In the half-light of the dropped light, Clow looked almost exactly like his father. "_**Nooooo**_!"

"Fai! Be quiet!" Clow clamped a hand over the boy's mouth. "It's very important that you do what I say right now. I'm still not completely sure that we're not being watched—did your father say anything that might tell me where he is or if anyone was with him?"

Fai shook his head, shrinking in terror. Clow knelt down, moving his hands to hold Fai's cheeks so they were eye to eye; "Are you sure?"

"Dad… always… did things like this alone," the boy gasped, regaining his composure slowly. "No one ever knew about… only me… and… until… Eagle knows… I have to… You have to take Kurogane to the hospital," he whimpered, "He won't tell me so, but I know he's in pain. He tried to keep awake to make sure I was okay, but he kept falling back out of consciousness—what if he dies? Head injuries are serious—and… oh, god… he's hurt and it's all my fault!"

Clow tightened his grip, "Fai, calm down. Right now you're hysterical. You're in shock. You need the hospital as much as Kurogane does, if not more. You already have a history and you need to—"

"Clow… forgive me if this question sounds odd—but… how much do you know about me?"

"Only what I've been able to dig up on my own," Clow answered, quite untruthfully. However, as an adult, he was much more adept at lying—or rather, stretching the truth—than Fai was. The boy suspected nothing. He stood, "C'mon, get up. I'm taking you two to the hospital."

"…I… can't pick Kurogane up."

Clow gave a sudden laugh; "I knew that," he chuckled; "Get in my car; I'll take care of this lug."

Fai wiggled out from under the elder teen, standing unsteadily. "Please be careful with him… he's in an awful sort of mood."

"I'll bet."

**XxXxXxX**

"You'll need to take it easy for the next few days, Suwa-san—you were lucky you didn't need stitches," the doctor said sternly, fixing the final buckle on the sling he had forced Kurogane into. "I'm going to get your medicine from the pharmacy, then you'll be free to go."

Kurogane growled, "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Will do." The doctor left with an exasperated sigh, leaving Kurogane and Clow alone together.

"Really, the ease you scare people away with is quite formidable. You would make a good police officer."

"What_ever_. What about Fai?"

"No worries, he's being examined now," Clow assured the boy, crossing his arms, "He's not really injured, but…"

"But what?" Kurogane demanded sharply.

"You know how he is. Mentally, that is. Between you and me, it's no secret that he's not stable. While it's possible this didn't trigger anything, I'm not that optimistic."

Kurogane shook his head, "No, you're right to worry," he muttered, sliding off of the examining table. "He's… he brought himself back for me, but he was gone." He made his way to the door, wobbling slightly. Clow leaned over, bracing his hand against the doorframe, blocking the teenager.

"That makes little sense, but I trust you on this subject," Clow drawled, raising an eyebrow as Kurogane snarled at him. "Shall I take you to his room? You won't find it on your own, you know."

**XxXxXxX**

He stared blankly ahead as the nurse waved a flashlight into his eyes. He made no effort to follow the stupid thing—there was no use in it anyway. "I'm obviously fine, so will you please stop?" he begged, reaching out to push the nurse's hand away.

The woman clicked her tongue impatiently, scribbling something on her notebook; "You obviously are not," she retorted, "Your eyes are severely dilated."

"Maybe it's 'cause you're waving a flashlight in my eyes?" Fai snapped. He fidgeted impatiently, tugging at the bracelet on his wrist. "And my blood pressure might've been high because I don't like things around my arms—it hurts!"

The nurse ignored him, choosing to instead direct her attentions towards answering the knocking at the examining room's door.

"Excuse me, but there's a visitor for Flowright-san," another nurse called, peeking her head through the door.

"I don't think he's in any conditions to receive visitors."

Fai shook his head, pulling his shirt back on, "No, I'm fine!" He insisted stubbornly, "I don't even need to be here!"

Both nurses stared at him with a soft sigh, shaking their heads. "Well, I suppose you could let one visitor in," the first nurse conceded.

Fai flashed her a dazzling smile, "_Thank_ you," he muttered impishly.

"You sound like you've been thoroughly torturing those poor women. You normally act better than that—more mature."

Fai froze. He knew that voice. It was the last voice he wanted to hear. "Fuck you."

**XxXxXxX**

"I'm sorry, but he cannot have anymore visitors at the moment," the nurse said sternly, shaking her head.

Kurogane growled, trying to look as menacing as he could. Which was hard considering he was toting around an IV, had a number of bandages wrapped around his head, and his arm was currently bound tightly to his chest. "Look, lady, there ain't no one here, except me and him, who know Fai's in the hospital. He can't already have a visitor."

"Young man, if you think you can intimidate me you are sorely mistaken," the woman snapped, standing up from her desk at the nurse's station. "Now I suggest you get back to your own room."

Clow sighed, pushing Kurogane aside, "Ma'am, it's actually quite urgent that I see Flowright-san right now. I need to discuss the details of the incident with him as soon as possible. Police, you see."

The nurse eyed Clow surreptitiously, "It will still have to wait. Flowright-san's in shock right now. The only reason I let the other man in at all was because he said he was family."

"But Fai doesn't have family, except for…" Kurogane broke off, snarling, "You don't think that bastard—What'd he look like, lady?!"

"Listen here, young man, I will not tolerate—" "Ma'am, what did this man look like?"

The nurse looked at Clow, expression rather confused. "A young man—late twenties, early thirties, I guess. Had a serious expression, but in the end he seemed really laid back. Black suit, sunglasses in hand. Short black hair, a little shaggy around the bangs."

Clow nodded, "C'mon." He turned on his heel and walked off, Kurogane following after him in irritation a few seconds later.

"What the hell!? Fai's room's the other way!"

"Go back to your room, Kurogane," Clow said firmly, gaze hardening. "This is something that you need to forget ever happened."

"What—who is it? Do you know them!?" Kurogane demanded, turning to scowl at Clow.

"You heard me." Clow grabbed Kurogane's shoulders and squeezed, "I don't know what's going to happen, but listen to me, if by some miracle Fai isn't moved tonight, do not let it slip that you know about the man who's visiting him right now. If you value your relationship with him at all, you will not let anyone know. If you want Fai to stay here in Koryo, _you will forget the conversation we just had with that nurse._"

"Wh-what? …Why?"

"I can't tell you. Fai can't tell you. No one can tell you… It just is."

**XxXxXxX**

"Well, that was civil," Ohjiro chuckled, rolling his eyes. "Are you seven or seventeen?" He sat down next to Fai's examining table, surveying the boy seriously. "We're moving you tonight. As soon as your release papers are signed, we'll be removing you from Clow Reed's custody."

"I'm not in his custody."

"Not according to this hospital. According to official records, you and another boy named Kurogane Suwa were arrested in a petty bar fight and taken to the hospital to treat the wounds you received before spending the night in police custody."

"Left out the part about who we were fighting," Fai muttered bitterly, looking at his feet dangling above the tiled floor; doctor's offices were one of the few places where he could still sit somewhere and have his feet dangle. It made him feel small again, like a child. He didn't like the feeling—he already felt eight years younger in Ohjiro's presence.

"Reed omitted that. Luckily for us—less paperwork and prying on our part."

"But you know."

"Yes, Yuui, I know," Ohjiro said softly, laying a hand on Fai's knee. Fai jerked away, fingers curling angrily into his blood-stained jeans.

"I don't want to go. I like being Fai Flowright."

"You can go be him somewhere else."

"I want to be him here."

Ohjiro sighed, "We have to move you tonight. Your status has already been breached."

"I don't want to! I want _out_!" Fai snapped, feeling his eyes prickle hotly with tears. He didn't want to cry in front of Ohjiro. He didn't want to be weak.

"Your father has found you—how long will it be until one of his assassins come and get you? How long will it be until you end up like your mother?"

"If I'm going to die anyway, I want to die here," Fai whispered, "So at least I could be close to him then."

"Yuui, I don't know who this boy is—" "You know every damn move I make; you know sure as hell who Kurogane is."

Ohjiro sighed in acquiescence, "So I do know. But he's not worth throwing your life away—if you die, who's saying that your father won't kill him too? Yuui, you knew when you signed that memorandum that your life was a limited one. Yes, you're giving up a lot, but what matters more? Your life or a teenaged love-affair?"

Fai shot up to his feet, livid; "No!" he raged, pointing at Ohjiro, "The only thing that matters to you and your little DA friends is that I live long enough to see a re-trial! That I wait to get a bullet put in my heart until after I get up on the stand and say things I barely even remember! I don't know what my father did outside the walls of that basement he put me in—I don't know anything about him killing other people besides my mother—I don't remember any of his friends except the ones he brought in to ra—!… To r—! That he—!"

The boy froze, moving his mouth frantically—nothing came out. Tears streamed down his face, hands pressing over his lips. This wasn't supposed to happen again. Every time he tried… every time he tried to speak of it—he was free to think… but never to speak. There was only that once, that once he ran to his neighbor's house—the nice lady lawyer that came and ate with them once—and that was the only time his story ever made it out of his mouth. Not when he was in the hospital, covered in _his _and his mother's blood, back burned so badly it scarred; not when he had been behind the black-lit glass, staring into the faces of the men his father had brought home that one night; not during the first trial, gaping like a fish, judge and jury looking at him in pity…

He'd never been able to speak when he needed to—all he could do was run away and continue the cycle.

"Yuui, you're the only person who has ever come forward with physical evidence against your father. We need you for this. With your help, we can end this—not just your father, but what he's doing, what he's controlling behind the scenes."

"What if I just want to live in peace? I don't want this."

"We can't do it without you—for you, there is no live in peace. It's either live like this or don't live at all—without us, you'd be dead."

Fai shook his head, unwilling to believe it; "My father—he won't tell anyone where I am that doesn't already know. I'm safe for now."

"You're on the radar now—there is no such thing as safe."

"I'm safe as long as I'm with him!" Fai screamed, "Don't take me away from him!"

Ohjiro stood, shaking his head, "I can't—"

Fai gave a shriek of fury, stomping his foot like an overgrown toddler, "I will not go with you! I'll call the police on you! I'll tell everyone who I am! I'll tell everyone! It won't matter what names you give me, what town you put me in, I'll tell! I'll break that stupid memorandum and have photos and diaries and tell them all!" Before Ohjiro could come back with a reply, the blonde ran from the room, pushing past nurses and doctors in an attempt to get away.

He had to find Kurogane. That was the only way to safety: Finding Kurogane.

**XxXxXxX**

In the end, it wasn't Kurogane that he found, but someone equally skilled in helping Fai find an equilibrium.

Fai frowned, staring at the girl from across the waiting room, "Sakura-chan?" he called hesitantly.

Sakura started, blinking up in surprise at the blonde, "Fai-san? What are you doing here?"

Fai stuffed his hands in his pockets, "There… was… a little accident at dinner tonight. Kurogane got his wrist broken."

"That sucks," the girl cried, "And you? Your pants are covered in blood!"

"Ah, that's Kurogane's too. I'm fine, really, I am," Fai assured the girl. He wasn't sure if this was a lie or not. "But, Sakura-chan, why are you here? Is everyone okay?"

Sakura wrung her hands, "Well… you know how I hang out with Shaoran after school when he stays to wait for Syaoron-kun's practice to end, right?"

"Yeah, since Shaoran takes you home anyway, it's just easier for the three of you to all go home together, right?"

Sakura nodded, earrings jangling; "There was an accident at the practice."

"Kurogane didn't mention it," Fai said hesitantly. Then again, he reasoned, there wasn't exactly _time_ for the elder teen to mention a thing.

"It was after he left. Syaoron-kun's on cleaning duty for the team, and he slipped and… Well, they _say _it was an accident, but Shaoran…"

"What does Shaoran say?" Shaoran cut in irritably, holding two sodas in his hands. He handed one to Sakura, who was busy looking the other way, lips pursed. He sighed, "Look, you two, I'd like it if you didn't spread my theory around, but I think my brat baby brother isn't quite right in the head."

"Define that, please," Sakura and Fai prompted.

"Great, stereo," Shaoran groaned, popping the cap to his drink. "Just what I need—you two nagging at me at the same time. Blondie, I don't have anything against what you do. But it's not right."

"What do you mean?"

"You—you know—that thing you do all the time."

Fai raised an eyebrow, "Breathe? Talk? Think? Be a little more specific here, Shaoran-kun."

Shaoran looked furtively around the room to make sure his sisters weren't watching; "_You know_." He clamped his teeth down on the rim of his soda-can, his hand, palm up, and pantomimed cutting his wrist with his now free hand. He cleared his throat, scowling and looking the other way as Fai turned an odd shade of red-violet as his breath caught in his chest.

"There's no way Syaoron-kun would do that!" Sakura snapped defensively.

"There's a lot of things that people do that other people think they wouldn't," Shaoran said seriously, "People are like that. Pretty boy understands. You and my brother do the same things—you walk around pretending that the world doesn't give a shit about you, pretending that you don't love the person you're crazy about, and then you become sloppy—inattentive… Until you 'accidentally' do something that can kill you," he finished darkly. "That kind of stuff isn't right. It's messed up. I can't trust people like that."

Fai looked away, feeling something heavy and nasty stir in his chest. He didn't like this feeling—it was too much like guilt for his liking. It occurred to him then that he was never fooling his friends—he would probably never be able to. There would always be this sort of feeling; there would always be mistrust. And it would always be deserved.

There was a long, awkward silence that was only breakable by the person who made it. After a bit, Shaoran sighed, taking a long sip of his soda, "Hell," he muttered, "It's an accident… I… I just… I'm probably spending too much time in Yuuko's damn shop. Gotten philosophical in my old age or something. I don't know… I'm just worried about him, that's all. He's gotten screwy lately."

Sakura smiled warmly, taking Shaoran's hand in hers, squeezing it gently, "I know," she murmured. Shaoran plopped down into the chair beside her, laying his head on her shoulder, their fingers intertwined.

Fai edged away from their tender moment, desperate to flee. For once, heaven seemed to listen to him.

"Oi! Moron!"

Fai turned, nearly sobbing in relief as Kurogane stomped into the waiting room.

"Yikes! What happened here?" Shaoran demanded, a little more than shocked at Kurogane's bandaged and irritable appearance.

Kurogane ignored him, of course, seizing Fai's chin with his uninjured hand; "What's your damage, wandering out from your room when it wasn't time for you to be released?! I've been looking all over the damn hospital for you!"

"Ow, ow, ow! That hurts! You found me, okay?" Fai whined, trying to squirm away. Kurogane sighed, letting go of the boy's chin, hand sweeping to the back of Fai's neck.

"Yeah, I did. I was scared that you'd decided to run away anyway," he admitted quietly.

Fai's eyes widened, completely frozen by the expression on Kurogane's face. He was unable to move, speak, or even breathe. He didn't know the elder's face could display such open and raw emotion so publicly… He was swept away.

Kurogane pulled Fai close, pressing his mouth to the boy's roughly. He was still dizzy from blood loss and the bitter taste of the painkillers stung in the back of his throat, but he wasn't impeded in the least—this is what he wanted. Needed. He had to keep Fai close to him; in truth, he was terribly frightened by the night's events, by the seriousness that Clow had ordered him to stay quiet, the feeling of having something important to him slip through his fingers.

Sakura squeaked in surprise, and Shaoran simply raised his fingers to his lips, letting out a long, shrill wolf-whistle. Clow simply raised an amused eyebrow at the two.

Fai struggled away, simply to be pulled back into Kurogane's broad chest, his bandaged arm creating a rather awkward distance between half of their bodies. "Wait!" Fai gasped, as Kurogane finally pulled back. "Stop that!"

"Why?"

Fai's eyes swam with tears, "Everyone…'s watching."

"Since when have you cared?"

"Since we broke up," Fai whispered so that Sakura and Shaoran couldn't hear, casting his eyes down.

Kurogane moved his hand back to the boy's chin, guiding Fai's gaze to his own; "We'll talk about this later. We've gotta go home first."

"Well, not exactly home," Clow cut in, stepping forward. "I'll be escorting you both to Kurogane's aunt's house. I've already spoken to Daidouji-san, and she agrees that it would be for the best, considering that there's already se—"

"Aw, great, now we get to deal with Tomoyo," Kurogane complained loudly, and a little stiffly, like he was purposefully trying to cut Clow off. Fai frowned, looking back and forth between the two. Kurogane looked pissed off—more so than normal—and Clow was regarding him placidly, almost as if he was surveying him for some reason or another.

"But we have no choice do we?" Kurogane continued in that same, loud voice. "Well, let's go. Get it over with."

Fai bit his lip, clinging to Kurogane's arm as something suddenly caught his eye; Ohjiro, leaning against the wide double doors that led out into the hospital main, "Let's go," he urged, looking up at the athlete with wide, begging eyes. "Now. I don't like hospitals."

Kurogane shot Fai a curious glance, then shrugged; "Yeah. C'mon."

Shaoran watched the three exit through the automatic doors, "Did you see that?"

"I know!" Sakura giggled nervously, "They never kiss in public like that—maybe they haven't been having problems?"

Shaoran snorted, "Like hell they are. Pretty boy's messed up to begin with, so he's trying really hard to act normal. When lover boy kissed him, you could tell he was uncomfortable with it—and did you hear him? Lover boy probably hasn't told Fai about his 'inheritance' and his family."

"But, he doesn't have to tell anyone—We all know—"

"Sakura, you forget Fai's not from here," Shaoran said gently, "He doesn't know everything we do. It's like reading a book where the narrator assumes that the reader knows what's going on. If Kurogane's not told him about it, Fai doesn't know because no one thinks it's important… or rather… They've convinced themselves it wasn't."

"So Kurogane-san's keeping a secret or two… What's the deal?"

"Look," Shaoran urged, nodding his head towards the wide double doors. Sakura leaned forward, catching only a glimpse of black hair and a three-piece suit. "You see that?"

"Yeah… I didn't recognize him—is he a doctor?"

"Whoever he is, Fai saw him and it scared him so bad that he turned on the charm so lover boy'd hustle him on out of here… And… even if he's a doctor, I don't think it's the type that Fai should be around."

**XxXxXxX**

Fai pressed his head to the glass, watching the scenery fly by, "Where do they live anyway?"

"Out here," Kurogane replied tersely. He crossed his arms to the best of his ability, scowling out into the darkness.

"This is way out in the country."

Clow chuckled, turning into a long winding driveway. It took them up a hill to a large, two-story house whose windows lit a warm circle in the night. They pulled up close to the house; "Alright then, kids. Out you go. Don't worry about school for the next few days; I want you to keep low. Yuuko will explain your absence to your teachers, and if you're lucky, you'll be exempt from the work."

"I can't just skip school," Kurogane growled, "I'm the captain of the kendo team—Kunsanagi will have my ass!"

Clow raised an eyebrow, "What kind of teenager are you?"

"The kind that doesn't want to run ten miles straight."

Fai fidgeted, idly listening to the two banter back and forth before clearing his throat nervously, "It's okay, Clow-san," he mumbled, "For me to go to school. He won't be back…my father, I mean."

"Sorry, Fai, but you have to stay low until we're sure. It's an order from higher up."

Fai's eyes widened as he shot forward, grabbing the back of Clow's seat; "Higher up!? Who told you that? Who…!?"

Clow smirked, "Yuuko."

A shuddering sigh exploded from Fai's lips as he wilted back into his seat, hands shaking. Kurogane frowned, "C'mon. Let's get the initial wave over with."

"What?" Fai looked over at the athlete, eyes hazy with confusion and exhaustion. Kurogane grabbed the blonde's hand, pulling Fai out of the car along with him.

"You'll find out," Kurogane said darkly, leading the boy up a set of stairs. As they reached the top, the door was thrown wide open, the silhouette of a slim woman outlined against the light that spilt out onto the porch, almost as if on cue.

"Kurogane Youou Suwa!"

"And here we go," Kurogane groaned.

"What have you gotten yourself into _this time_?! I swore to your mother that I would keep you safe if anything ever happened to her, and _you_! You just—"

"Make it hard. I know, I know. Anyway, Sonomi—" "_What_ did you just call me, young man?!" "This is Fai."

Kurogane pushed Fai gently between himself and his aunt, waiting for the inevitable explosion.

"I am your aunt, Kurogane, and—Wait… Is it really?"

"Yes, really. It's him."

"H…hello?" Fai hedged tentatively, waving.

Sonomi stepped forward, grabbing his hand, "Well, hello! I'm Sonomi Daidouji, Kurogane-kun's aunt. His mother was my sister."

Fai smiled softly, "It's nice to meet you, Daidouji-san."

"You can call me Sonomi-san. Kurogane does. I can't get an oba-san anywhere," the woman said with a sigh. Fai could see where Tomoyo got her dramatic streak from already. "I've been waiting to meet you ever since Tomoyo-chan said our prickly little Kurogane-kun had met someone special. You really _are_ cute."

Fai spluttered, "I—really, I'm… No, Sonomi-san, I…"

"Polite too!" Sonomi laughed, "Why have you never brought him home?!" she demanded, glaring at Kurogane from over Fai's shoulder.

"Because I haven't wanted to. Can we go inside now? He's exhausted. Hell, we're both exhausted."

"Of course," Sonomi said, grinning welcomingly. She led Fai indoors, all smiles as the poor boy gaped as a maid seemingly scurried out from nowhere to close the door behind Kurogane. "So, this is our home, be welcome to stay as long as you want. Oh, Kurogane-kun—Clow said you were selling the apartment?"

Kurogane shrugged, shoving his freehand in his pocket, "Probably. Something closer to the center of town, maybe. Something bigger, certainly."

"I'll look into what's available. I won't be upping your allowance, though."

"Not like it matters, I'll still eat the same amount of food as ever."

Sonomi frowned, "Won't Fai-san be moving in with you? I thought that's why you were getting a new apartment," she ventured, looking down at Fai for confirmation.

"Actually, Kuro-sama and I _do _live together," Fai said gently, grinning sheepishly. Kurogane grunted in the background, wanting to shake the boy until that syrupy fake smile shattered off of his ex's face.

"Really?"

"Really."

Sonomi whipped around, glaring daggers at her nephew; "And you didn't tell me this, _why_!?"

"Because I knew you and Tomoyo would have a field day!" Kurogane roared.

"Well, some_one _still hasn't learned to keep it quiet."

Fai glanced over his shoulder, locking eyes with a tall woman with long dark hair; she looked rather like an older, stricter version of Tomoyo, albeit without the curls.

"Someone still hasn't learned to keep her nose out of other people's business," Kurogane snapped.

"Touché, baby cousin. Except, of course, it is my business, because this is where _I _live… Who's that?" The girl focused on Fai, striding forward to peer at him.

"Hi! I'm Fai, and you…?" Fai grinned again, holding out his hand to the strange older girl. She took it, shaking it with a smug grin.

"Ameterasu. So you're Kurogane-kun's boy toy. Interesting."

Fai blushed lividly, "I-I'm not… you see…"

"Oh, he's _your _toy. I get it." Ameterasu tossed a haughty grin, ignoring both Fai's mumbled protests and Kurogane's loud denying expletives.

"Well, anyway," Sonomi stepped in, "There's food in the kitchen. Kurogane-kun, Fai-san, help yourselves. Ameterasu, if you could find Fai-san some suitable sleepwear? Oh, and Tomoyo will be home soon from the school concert. I have to go back up to the study."

Kurogane's aunt smiled down at Fai, taking his hands gently; "Don't worry about whatever happened tonight, Fai-san, dear. You're perfectly safe here. And just for extra peace of mind, I've had the security upped." She gave Fai one last smile before disappearing up the stairs and down the open hallway above their heads.

"Wha…?" Fai looked to Ameterasu and Kurogane, quite obviously confused, "What did she mean, Kuro-sama?"

Ameterasu smirked briefly, then grew solemn. "You haven't told him, have you, baby cousin?"

"It's my business," Kurogane snarled, grabbing Fai's elbow, yanking him off out of the room.

"I'll just put your clothes in Kurogane's room, Fai!" Ameterasu called after them, voice smug.

"…You have… an energetic family," Fai commented slowly. His brain was reeling from processing all this new information about his ex-boyfriend.

"Sonomi's just plain nuts. She's not even technically my aunt—she's actually my mom's cousin, but they were raised together. Ameterasu likes making life difficult for me… And Tomoyo, well, you know her."

Fai looked up at Kurogane, smiling sadly, "But they're your family. You love them," he whispered sorrowfully.

"I suppose," the athlete grunted. "They're the only family I have."

"Does it feel nice?" Fai queried. He paused, then sighed; "I mean, it must be."

"Oi… let's… not talk about that sort of stuff right now. Let's eat—do you feel up to eating?"

"Huh? Oh, uhm… yeah, why do you ask?"

Kurogane looked down at Fai, cupping the boy's cheek with his hand; "You were sick before… you were throwing up in the diner."

Fai bit his lip, moving his head away from the elder teen's touch; "I'm fine. I can eat."

Kurogane sighed, wrapping his arm around Fai's waist, towing him along; "Good. Food's always edible here. Ueda always makes good stuff."

"Who?"

"The chef."

"You have a chef?!" Fai demanded, "What are you?! Some sort of rich kid?!"

Kurogane flushed, pushing Fai into a large, white kitchen; "Sort of," he mumbled. "By inheritance only. When I became part of the Daidouji family, well—look, Sonomi's the CEO of a large, profitable company. It's always been in the family."

Kurogane ran his hand through his hair, uncomfortable with lying to Fai, but it wasn't as if it was_ completely _untrue. Sonomi did own the company now. He didn't want it. It would have upset his parents to know he didn't want to continue the Suwa legacy, but at least he kept the damn company in the family.

"Why in the world did you ever move out?" Fai murmured, completely flabbergasted. Even with all his father's money, he had never seen anything as grand as this place; it might have been the fact that he was locked in the basement for most of his life in his family's home, or the fact that Ashura was always on the frugal side. Kurogane never struck him as a rich kid. But that didn't matter to Fai—what confused him the most is why the athlete would willingly leave a loving family.

Kurogane pulled two large plates covered in plastic wrap out of the stove and laid them on the large wooden table. He collapsed into a chair, sighing as he ripped the plastic off of his meal. "You know… I never figured you as one of those people who cared about status or wealth," he shot, stabbing his food rather roughly with his fork. "But then again, your dad was a politician, so I assume you're used to this sort of thing? Wishing I hadn't moved so you wouldn't have to rough it in my apartment?"

Fai's face grew cold, his fists balling at his side. "Once again, you misunderstand me, Kurogane." Forget normal gruffness, Kurogane was being downright rude. The elder's words sent his heart throbbing in pain; yes, yet again, they were back to this game. He'd never admit how tired he was of their little cat and mouse chase—how he wished Kurogane would just choose a way to treat him and keep it that way. It wouldn't hurt nearly as much if the athlete was rude to him all the time instead of just when they were alone. "You seem to have a talent for that. I don't see why I should even bother explaining anything," the blonde hissed. He could feel his face coloring in shame as well as hot tears prickling in his eyes, so he picked his plate up and dumped it into the trash, turning his back on Kurogane, fighting to keep himself calm.

Why was this bothering him so much? It had to be what happened in their apartment, or in the hospital. _He was probably delirious then, _Fai tried to reason, _And in the hospital, Sakura-chan and Shaoran-kun were there. If that had happened a few months ago, that's probably what he would have done. It was just the same old charade. _He bit down on his lip, keeping it still. _Stupid, stupid boy—you're the one who started this, you have to play along now. It was to protect him. _

"Explaining what? It was clear what you thought!" His family's wealth was always a sore spot for Kurogane. It took his parents away from him, as well as any chance at friends when he was younger. People seemed to treat him differently once they found out about it. Besides, he didn't care much for the deal anyway. He glared at Fai's back, "Try to explain it away, I dare you."

Fai shook his head, crossing his arms tightly. He didn't like this. This was dangerous territory. "I won't."

Kurogane stood up from his chair, the legs scrapping against the wooden floors. "Yeah, I thought so," he challenged. "I bet you were born with a silver spoon shoved up your—"

Too much. Too much. He snapped. "Yeah, so what if I was?!" Fai screamed, rounding on Kurogane, "But you know what?! My father's money makes me sick! If I could, I would never spend a goddamn dime of it myself! I'd let it rot in the bank! Why do you think my own apartment looks like it needs to be condemned?! It was the only fucking place I could afford on my salary from Yuuko's! Money's not an issue, money will never be an issue, save for you're such a _goddamn defensive dick_!" Tears were falling down his face now, but he couldn't stop; "It's just that you have such a wonderful family, they really care about you, and I don't understand how someone can pack their bags and walk away from that! I don't get how you can be ashamed of them like you are, like you want to hide away their existence from me, so that even when we were good, you never mentioned anyone besides Tomoyo-chan, and I bet you wouldn't even talk about her if she didn't go to our school! You have people who love you, and you're just ignoring them, you stupid, stupid fool! I don't get it! You'd be safe here, you'd never have to worry about getting hurt; you'd never have to worry about anything because you all could take care of each other! _How can you not want that_!?"

Kurogane watched Fai in horror, white-hot guilt settling in his stomach at the sight of shaking hands, hunched shoulders, and damp, red-rimmed eyes. He hadn't meant to lash out at Fai, it just… happened. He felt awful—of course Fai meant his family, of course; the blonde had a rotten family… he would probably give anything to be a part of one that didn't suck, and by hiding his own, Kurogane felt like he had denied Fai a chance for that. "Fai, I… I'm s—"

"Save it for someone who cares," Fai snapped, running the back of his hand across his eyes. "Save it for when you mean it. I know your game."

"What the hell do you mean!?"

"Oooh, I thought I heard yelling; so it was you, Kurogane!" Tomoyo squealed from the doorway. "What a pleasant surprise to find you home!"

"Surprise my ass, how much did you hear?" Kurogane snapped, glaring at his younger cousin. Tomoyo gave a chilling smile, one that told him all he needed to know.

"Just your voice. I could hear you as soon as I got out of the car. Fai-san! Has my cousin finally decided to grace us with your presence?"

Fai grinned, laughing sheepishly, like he hadn't been crying or screaming moments before. "I guess so, Tomoyo-chan. I'm glad I finally get to meet everyone else."

"Well, from the text mother sent me, I've heard you've had a long night. Why don't you take a shower? Ameterasu's in the living room—that's straight ahead then to the left when you get to the entrance hall. She'd be more than happy to show you to the bathroom across from Kurogane's room," she said swiftly, opening the refrigerator. "I'd show you myself, but I'm famished."

Fai nodded, "It's good to see you, Tomoyo-chan," he said softly.

"Likewise. I'll give you the tour tomorrow—I assume you're staying the night, at least, right?"

Fai shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets before leaving the room. Tomoyo watched him disappear down the hall before closing the kitchen door firmly behind him. "You're hurting him."

"No, I'm not."

"You made him _cry_, Kurogane," Tomoyo sighed, pulling a drink from the fridge. "And this isn't the first time, is it?"

"It's none of your business," Kurogane snapped, leaning against the counter as his cousin settled down into the chair he had vacated minutes earlier.

"You are my business," Tomoyo informed him, "We all try to keep an eye on you so you're okay. …You two are having problems aren't you?"

"We don't have problems; we're not together, that's it."

"Then why do you act like you're still a couple at school?"

Kurogane sighed, "It took so long for Fai's friends to accept that we were together… I don't want Sakura to come after me."

Tomoyo took a sip from her drink, shaking her head, "Kurogane, no one will 'come after you' if the breakup was mutual and without pain. And it seems that the two of you have come to such a point that you can't stand each other's presence, so it was probably for the best that you did break up. But forcing it along when neither of you have any feelings for the other, to continue acting like you still love each other, to do what you did in the hospital—Sakura-chan told me, just so you know— that's not fair. It's obvious that you don't care for him, so why don't you just let him go?"

"What? Oi, what are you saying?!" Kurogane demanded, face hardening. He could feel something tightening in his chest, squeezing into an unpleasant ache that moved up into his throat, "Of course I!"

Tomoyo smiled sadly, "Then why aren't you doing anything? You're letting him slide through your fingers."

"But that's what he wants."

"Oh, really? If he didn't want you at all, I don't think he would cry every time you're mean to him. Sakura-chan's caught him at it a few times now. Shaoran-kun too. They're all worried. I'm worried. You should clear things up before you lose him, you know."

Kurogane sighed, shaking his head, "I can try, but… I'm not sure what good it will do."

"Eh, it never hurts to try."

"Guess so."

**XxXxXxX**

Kurogane sat in his room, fiddling with one of the many random things he had in there. They were trivial little things—brainteaser puzzles, mostly. His dad had been a fan of them. In the dark—he only had the desk lamp on—and with one hand, the thing was near impossible to solve. But he could still do it from memory. It was the first puzzle his father had ever bought him, and since, he'd solved it millions of times. It was nostalgic and he hated it, yet his fingers still dug into the familiar corners of wood.

"It's dark in here."

"Yeah," Kurogane answered, pushing off the carpeted floor to make the chair swivel in Fai's direction.

"They said I have to sleep in here for the night," Fai said flatly. "There's not a guest room ready. They didn't expect that I wouldn't want to share a room with you."

"Hm. It would be significantly better than sleeping on the floor or sofa, wouldn't it?"

Fai shrugged, brushing past Kurogane to settle on the athlete's old bed. "Yes, well, that's up to you where you want me to sleep. That chair over there looks comfortable."

Kurogane glanced over at the old bowl chair Tomoyo had deposited in his room years ago. He'd never even sat in it. Over the years it had been a dumping ground for clothes, books, and whatnot. "You'll sleep in the bed," he answered.

"You can't sleep on the floor," Fai argued.

Kurogane looked at him solemnly, regarding his shower-disheveled hair, still dripping down his neck, and long-sleeved night shirt. It was actually one of Ameterasu's old tee-shirt dresses but he doubted Fai would be happy about that fact. "You're right; that's why I'm sleeping on the bed too."

Fai's eyes blazed angrily in the soft light of the lamp-desk. "No, you're not. You're sleeping there alone."

Kurogane stood, staring at Fai for a moment before walking over to the bed. "We need to talk," he said softly, pushing the blonde back onto the bed. He held the boy's shoulders in his hand, wrist twinging underneath the brace and splint. He ignored it, leaning down to kiss his ex roughly.

Fai gave a startled shout, and Kurogane took advantaged of his shock-opened mouth to push his tongue through Fai's lips. Fai struggled, hands moving to scratch and push at him before he began to kiss back a few reluctant moments later.

Kurogane pulled back after a while of kissing for a much needed breath. Fai turned his head away, eyes screwed shut, looking for the world like he had just done something completely taboo. "Stop looking so goddamn guilty," Kurogane breathed, grabbing Fai's hands from his chest, pushing them into the mattress. He leaned down, forehead pressed to the boy's. "It's like I'm doing something you don't want."

"I don't want this."

Kurogane pressed his mouth to Fai's, tongue slipping through the blonde's lips. Fai gave a soft, breathy whimper, struggling against Kurogane's touch. "You say that, but your body says differently." He pressed his knee deeper into the sheets between Fai's bare legs. He attacked the boy's mouth once more, kissing him deeper and deeper, Fai moaning beneath him at the touch, body unconsciously arching and aching to be touched. "I, at the moment, am more inclined to go along with your body. Though," he breathed, lips brushing against Fai's as they moved, "I am curious—" he punctuated the thought with a short kiss—"Why you say no."

Fai turned his head away, the kiss that was intended to accentuate the end of Kurogane's train of thought landing on his cheek. "Because… we're not together. You… didn't want me—you said those awful things about me," he whimpered quietly, eyes sparkling in the limited light with tears of pain. "… All those things you said… they were _true_. I… before you, the only person my body ever knew… was my _father's_. You… hate me…"

Kurogane growled in irritation, fingers tightening over the slim wrists. He violently shoved his mouth up against Fai's, the boy's neck straining back against the bed from the force of the kiss. He covered Fai's body with his own, grasping Fai's hands with one hand so he could hold him close with another. "You fucker," he sighed into Fai's mouth, "I don't care what you've done or who you've done what with as long as you don't intend on going back to them."

"… You'll d—"

"If you feed me that bullshit one more time, Fai, I swear to you, I will do something I will regret," Kurogane muttered, "Give me a real reason why you don't want me, and I might consider backing off a little, because even now, your body wants it."

Fai scowled, eyes hard with tears. "Kurogane, I am a teenage boy—I just want someone to _fuck_, that's all it is. My body'd do that to anyone willing to take me to bed right now."

Kurogane's face went hard. He refused to show Fai how much that hurt him—his heart and his ego. How much that made him wonder. Made him want to walk away from everything. This wasn't worth it, was it? "If you mean that," he hissed, "Tell me that every little romantic thing we ever did didn't mean a damn thing. That we didn't just lose our breaths by looking at each other. That the slightest thought of one another couldn't make our day; that every touch was just a way for getting into my pants, no matter how sweet they were; that every kiss wasn't enough to make our knees go weak; that your smiles weren't real after all; that you weren't really happy, that I could never make you happy."

Fai was silent; his eyes closed in pain as he turned his face away.

"That's right," Kurogane growled, "Until you can look into my eyes and say it like you mean it, I will never give up. I will keep doing this. You don't this because you think we'll end up like some fucked-up Romeo and Juliet. It doesn't matter, I wouldn't mind—everyone knows about them, everyone knows about how much they loved each other. If it was for you, I wouldn't mind. I'd follow you. And I know you'd follow me."

"They're not real," Fai said flatly, "And even if they were, there's nothing after death. Love or not, they were stupid children."

"How do you know there's nothing after death? But I don't want to die, you know. I don't want you to kill yourself. It's a coward's way out… Even so, I won't give up. I will keep fighting until you tell me that you love me too, because I know you do. Even if you wait to tell me on my eventual deathbed, it will be worth it."

Fai opened his eyes, glaring at Kurogane icily, "I love you, I love you, I love you… Are you happy now?" Even to his own ears, the words sounded like 'I hate you'.

Kurogane brought his free hand up to caress Fai's cheek, "No. Not like that. Never like that. I want you to mean it. It only works if you mean it."

"I will never mean it, Kurogane," Fai swore, bringing his lips up to crash roughly into his ex-boyfriend's. "I will never mean it, and I'm sorry for that." Lie. A lie. A horrible, irretractable lie.

Kurogane felt his heart aching, "Then don't do something you'll regret," he muttered, mouth pressed to the boy's neck. He wanted him so badly.

"It's too late," Fai whispered, shaking his head, "I already regret bringing you into this. When you wake up, I may not be here, and then you'll regret loving me. So do us both a favor, don't say it anymore. I'm only trying to save us both pain."

Kurogane sighed, leaning back. He pulled Fai up with him, hugging him tightly; "…I won't… just… promise me this… if you're ever in trouble, please, call me. I'll help you, I swear I will, no matter what's wrong."

"… … I will."


	31. Lesson Seventeen: Outside of Our World

**A/N: **_EDITED. I couldn't stand lesson Eighteen anymore._

* * *

**Gothix, Lesson Seventeen: **_Outside of our World_

It was dark inside the room, but under the door, light shone warmly. He disentangled himself from the sheets, and consequently, Kurogane's arms, sliding slowly out of bed so he would not make any noise. His feet touched the soft carpet, digging in slightly, back tensing at the sudden shifting of the bed as his weight lifted from the springs. Luckily, the bed did not creak.

He chewed his lip absently, turning to arrange the covers back over the sleeping form of the other boy. "Please have good dreams," he begged softly. Quietly, he crept to the door, hand hovering over the knob anxiously; he turned it slowly until the catch clicked into the door, and he pushed it open, light briefly washing the room in a cheery white-yellow. And then as soon as it was there, it was gone as Fai closed the door behind himself.

He leaned against the wall, sighing quietly, keeping himself from shaking. He had to get away from this.

"Going somewhere, Fai-san?"

Fai started horribly, yelping in surprise—his hands quickly rose to his lips, as if to contain the already escaped noise. "T-T-Tomoyo-chan," he whispered shakily, "You scared me!"

"Oooh, sorry about that. You know you two slept through the entire day? I just got back from school!" Tomoyo said, almost sounding like she were scolding him.

Fai shook his head, "Oh, no. I guess we were tired, then?" He grinned sheepishly.

Tomoyo sighed, "You're leaving, aren't you? Even though Clow-san told you to stay, even though we all want you to stay… You're leaving, aren't you?"

Fai hung his head, "I… can't stay here anymore. Not with Kurogane. I-I… can't intrude on his life any longer."

"He doesn't feel like you're intruding, you know that, right?"

"He doesn't know better," Fai said harshly.

The girl sighed again, shaking her head, "Well… If you _must_. Your clothes have been washed—they're in the bathroom. Can I drive you out?"

Fai thought for a moment, "Yes, I'd like that, Tomoyo-chan."

"Alright."

**XxXxXxX**

The town flickered past Fai's eyes as Tomoyo drove, blurring into a sort of mist, clouding his eyes and shielding them from searching for the truth. "Don't tell Kuro-sama," he murmured, head still propped on his palm, looking away from Tomoyo.

"He'll know anyway," Tomoyo said softly. She pulled up at the curve next to Kurogane's apartment. "He won't admit it, but he'll be sad when he finds you left."

"He…He'll get over it." Fai pushed the door open, sliding out of the car slowly.

He was tired with this farce. He was tired of life in general. It was too hard, too complicated. He was weary from running the same cycle over and over again. The circle of lies and masks had exhausted him until he could no longer play along. He was tired of blaming and hurting others. But he had no choice. "Thank you," he whispered, closing the door on any more of the girl's kindhearted advice.

He made his way slowly up the stairs, pressing his forehead to the door as he fit his key into the lock for the last time. The door creaked open under the slight twist of his wrist and he stepped into the dim apartment.

He cast his eyes about, biting his lip as a sense of loss filled him. He'd never be back here again. He climbed the few steps into the raised living room, running his fingers against the sofa, sighing sorrowfully. He wouldn't sleep in the sofa anymore. He gathered his pillow and bedding from the couch, his bed for the last two months, stuffing a textbook into the pillow case. He walked outside, popping the trunk of his car and began the long process of moving his things from Kurogane's apartment.

He hadn't realized how little he actually had before. Most of the things he used were actually his ex's. Little matter. His hand hovered over the door to Kurogane's bedroom, hesitant to enter, for removing the last of his things here meant it was final: he would never return to this place again. Even if he swallowed his pride and went back to Kurogane, they wouldn't live here anymore—their place, their special place, would belong to someone else. Someone else who wouldn't know about the time they had sex on the kitchen counter or the way Kurogane looked when the Sunday morning light would hit his face when he was sleeping or how deliciously warm the water got when two people shared the shower or how wonderful the scent of cinnamon tea smelt on cold days… and they would be gone. And it would be final.

His knees gave out from under him, finally surrendering to the weight that bore upon the thin shoulders. Fai collapsed to the floor, hands still wrapped against the doorknob, only holding, never knocking, and sobbed.

He cried because of the finality of it, for the end of it. Because this was his fault; this was the end that he brought, and there was nothing he could do about it.

"I thought this is where you would be."

"Go away," Fai moaned, "Just go away."

"What are you more afraid of, Yuui? Your father or leaving this boy behind and moving on?"

"Go away, just go away," Fai repeated, shaking his head, grasping the doorknob even tighter. "I told you, I quit. I don't want it; I quit, I quit, I quit."

Ohjiro stood behind the boy, watching him shake as he cried. In eight years, the little boy had grown, but still… he remained the same. He still could not cope with emotions; he was still irrational and unstable. It broke his heart to see the blonde love someone so fiercely but not be able to deal.

"Don't you want to hear what I have to say?"

"No. I don't want to leave—why did you even put me here? Why did you put me here alone?"

"Because it was what you wanted," Ohjiro said quietly. "Even though you knew you would eventually have to move on, you wanted to grow up. You could have stayed with Misaki, but you knew you would never have to take chances when you lived with her, because she was a Marshal. You knew you were safe. But that…"

"That wasn't what I wanted," Fai said softly. "I loved her, she was nice; she was like a mother to me, but I wanted to try and _live_." His hands fell from the doorknob, into his lap, tears falling onto his palms. "I didn't want to exist anymore. I wanted to _live_."

"And living hurts, Yuui. But it's what your family would have wanted—for you to live. And sometimes, you have to give things up when you live, like that boyfriend of yours."

"He said he loved me," Fai whispered hollowly, "But he doesn't—not really… Even though he swore he was lying through his teeth, he still told the truth when he said he hated me. And it hurts, seeing him torn between himself like that; and it hurts knowing that he's hurt because of me. It makes me want to leave… But… even so, I want to stay here. Even if I have to give up everything to live with the pain—it's better than having nothing at all. And if I go with you, I'll have nothing. I'd rather die in agonizing pain, knowing that I lived than just being a heartbeat and nothing more."

"Yuui, you are more than that. Your testimony has the potential to save so many lives; you have the potential to help so many people. You could free an entire town."

Fai shook his head, "I'm selfish. I don't care about them. I've never met them. They're not me; they're not part of me. When I signed my name on that contract, all I thought about was avenging Fai and Mother. Now… I've even forgotten about them—all I can see when I close my eyes is the end and the pain and _him_ and my father and I… I want it to end. It's horrible and it's selfish, but… I just want—"

"…If it will make you feel better to let you know, I appealed to my superiors. We've all agreed that while it isn't prudent for you to stay here, you can for a little longer. Your status has been changed, which means you won't be as free as you have been," Ohjiro warned him, "You'll have to check in with me frequently… But we've decided that some semblance of normalcy and stability is best for you, even though you entered the program knowing there would be no real rest. I can't assure you that you will be able to stay here for any longer than a few more months past what I promised you originally."

Fai closed his eyes, back still to the man, "Thank you," he whispered. "And… I… I'm sorry. I'm a brat. I know I am."

Ohjiro turned, shaking his head in the gloom, "You're not a brat, Fai. You're just young and confused. Just don't use that as an excuse."

Hanging his head, Fai listened as Ohjiro walked out of the apartment, the soft click of the door closing behind him the only farewell the man bid him.

**XxXxXxX**

Before he even awakened, he knew something was wrong. Maybe it was because of a dream, or because he knew already that Fai wouldn't be there when he woke up because he had been stupid and hadn't forced the blonde to promise. It was something he just knew; Fai's instinct to flight was towards everything—there were no exceptions. The boy was afraid of everything, most of all commitment. It wasn't an uncommon fear—the idea of forever scared Kurogane himself; he couldn't fathom it. He didn't want forever. He wanted then that moment, and maybe that moment could lead to the moment after and then to tomorrow, and then… maybe to next week, month or year. It all started with a then—forever to Kurogane was a dull promise, something that did not exist except in the peripherals of time. So what if you promised forever? What are you going to do about it _now_? That's all he wanted.

But, even so, it was no surprise when he rolled over to open his eyes to an empty bed and room. He knew that there was no chance that Fai would be elsewhere in the house; the notion that he had already left was nagging him like a festering wound.

He slid off the bed, rising sleepily to his feet. He traveled the length of the house to Tomoyo's room, knocking lightly.

"Come in, Kurogane," she called softly. The door easily opened under the junior's touch, and he stepped into his cousin's room, door falling shut behind him.

"He's gone, isn't he?"

Tomoyo sighed, rising slowly from her desk, closing her math book as she did so. "You know you slept through the entire school day? Fai-san too? It's about six now," she commented lightly, crossing her arms loosely.

"I don't want the trivia."

The girl shook her head, "I… couldn't stop him; I'm sorry Kurogane."

"It's not your fault," Kurogane grunted, moving to sit on a light purple-covered daybed. He gently moved a large, white-teddy bear aside, staring at its stitched blue nose and eyes. "I remember when you forced me to go make this thing."

"Build-A-Bear is an essential childhood experience," Tomoyo said haughtily, sweeping forward to remove the bear from Kurogane's hands, hugging it gently. "It's one of the few thoughtful gifts you've ever given me."

"Liar. I bust my brain every year trying to think of what to get you," Kurogane snapped, "So you'd better take that back."

Tomoyo smiled, "I admit, I do like getting the gift cards, but… I would enjoy things I could look at a little more. Things I could hold, like this bear. Even if it was like the rocks you gave me when you were in kindergarten."

"They were _rocks_."

"But they were sparkly and they were pretty and I happened to enjoy them immensely. I still have them around here somewhere."

"You are a packrat, Tomoyo."

Tomoyo smiled blithely, reminding Kurogane much of Fai; "Maybe, but I enjoy having tangible things to attach to memories so I don't think of them as dreams. I only keep the things I get from people I love dearly," she said gently, sitting next to Kurogane upon the daybed, tucking her legs underneath herself. "But sometimes, letting go of the things must happen… but that isn't my point. My enjoyment of small little presents, like those rocks or this bear, reminds me of Fai-san."

"How so?"

Tomoyo looked up at her cousin, "And you haven't realized it yet? Think for a moment, Kurogane, what have you been giving Fai-san lately?"

"Everything."

"I can gather that you've been dutiful in your admiration of him, and at school there's no real tell-tale signs that you two are nothing more than the loving couple that is infamous at Koryo High; but those of us who know you or Fai-san can tell. From what I heard last night, it doesn't seem like you've been treating him the same way at home. Kurogane… you have a habit of lashing out at those you love," Tomoyo chided. "And Fai-san is delicate. He may understand that you don't know how to act now that things are troubled, but the way you've been treating him in private is hurting him. He's lost, and no matter what you say can sway the truths he has given himself." She paused for a long moment, looking sadly at the teddy bear, "It's kind of like how I know you love me and Ameterasu and mother… But it gets hard to remember it when you move away and stop contact… and we don't have anything to hold onto."

Kurogane reached out and shoved his hand into her hair, mussing it roughly. "You're okay, kid," he grumbled, "Not nearly as quiet as you should be, but okay."

Tomoyo giggled, "I know… But, Kurogane," she continued gravely, "What are you going to do?"

Kurogane sighed, "I don't know. Not yet, at least."

**XxXxXxX**

He hated his apartment; it was a stark, hateful place that he had to lease using his father's money. It was empty, ugly and cold. It reminded him of everything he didn't like about himself; everything that he didn't have anymore—that it was all his fault. It made him feel things that he didn't want to feel—remember things he didn't want to remember. It pushed him over the edge.

It pushed him until there was nothing left but the vague whisper of a notion to feel and a knife in his hands.

Maybe he should paint the walls red to match the stain in the floor?

**XxXxXxX**

And life continued. Not normally, in any sense, but it flowed on. It was a week before Clow okay'ed Kurogane to go back to school, and luckily, he had been able to clip out of most of the work he had missed.

Fai did not return to school until the following week, and he didn't actually see him as much as hear about his arrival until their fourth period math, which they shared. He walked into the half-full classroom and immediately met Fai's eyes. The blonde quickly turned his back on Kurogane, resuming his hushed argument with the teacher, a tall man named Kokuyo. Kurogane walked to his seat, taking the long way around, so he could pass Fai.

"Please, sensei, you _have_ to."

"I don't _have _to do anything but teach," Kokuyo said lazily, "Seating charts are seating charts."

"But I can't see," Fai hissed.

"Should've thought of that before you plunked your pretty butt down in the back."

Fai gave an indignant huff, stomping down the rows until he came to his seat beside Kurogane, staunchly ignoring the elder boy. Everyone in the class had craned about to look at the pair in something akin to pitying surprise. Fai began to pile his math book and papers onto his desk, picking up his pencil and settling in to do the daily warm-up, leaning on his left hand so that his head was turned away from Kurogane.

Kurogane, however, was freely staring at the blonde, sending up a silent cheer to Kokuyo's almost sadistic seating-chart strictness. Everyone claimed that the man had some complicated algorithmic function for seating people in his classes, but in reality, it was simply where you chose to sit on the first day. The only way you were moving after that was if you quit the course, or, heaven help the poor soul, if he got mad and moved you.

It was an hour of torture. He couldn't concentrate at all, his eyes kept falling back to the gentle curve of Fai's profile, or the way his fingers fiddled and spun his pencil when listening about how to graph sine or cosine or whatever the hell they were learning (it was something about trigonometry…). It was driving him insane.

He ripped out a sheet of paper, hastily scribbling a note on it, their ritual. They always passed notes; in class, in the halls, whenever they saw each other. It was something that Fai had started and insisted upon. It was something familiar.

He reached over, sliding the folded piece of paper over Fai's textbook. The blonde looked at it like it was something completely foreign before scowling at it. He picked it up and crumbled it into a tiny little ball, letting it fall into his lap.

Kurogane winced. Yikes. Cold shoulder. He slid to the side of his chair, hoping that no one would look to the back of the class to see him acting like a lovesick and annoying girl. He reached out, picking the ball up from its place on Fai's thigh. The blonde instantly snatched his wrist, gripping it as tightly as he could, nails digging into the skin.

Murderous blue eyes glared into Kurogane's, Fai's mouth set into a tight line; "Get. Out. Of. My. Space," Fai hissed quietly through his teeth, as to not be heard over the teacher's lecturing.

"Then read it."

Fai huffed an angry sigh, letting go of Kurogane's hand to snatch the note away from the athlete. His heart leapt into his mouth as his fingers brushed against the elder teens; he couldn't pretend that he could ignore the way Kurogane had been staring at him all period or the way the junior's fingers skimmed across the flesh at his wrist. He clenched his teeth tighter, fighting down the urge to slip his hand into Kurogane's. He slowly uncrumpled the note, feeling his stomach jump at the familiar glimpse of messy handwriting. He choked back a soft laugh. Kurogane's handwriting was nearly illegible—he always teased him about it, whereas Kurogane would always snap a retort about Fai's being too perfect and girly.

Luckily, the lunch bell rang just as Fai began to decipher the note, and Kurogane stood slowly, looking hesitantly at the blonde; "H-hey, look, I—"

Ryuoh stuck his head into the room as the last of the students trickled out; "Yo! Suwa! Coach needs you!"

Kurogane looked up, scowling as the boy bounded into the room and down the aisle to tug him away. "Can't you see I'm talking here?" he hissed.

Ryuoh frowned, "Well," he mumbled before grinning and turning to Fai: "Hey, Fai-san, you don't mind if I borrow him for a bit do you? Kunsanagi is steamed and we need him right now."

Fai grinned his one-hundred-watt fake smile, waving the two away like normal; "Of course not! Go have fun! It's not like I'll never see him again!"

Kurogane frowned; was it just him or did that last part sound a little bitter?

"Thanks!" The sophomore cried, yanking Kurogane out of the room with him.

The blonde sighed, hunching over his desk, staring forlornly at the note in his hands, holding it up to the light. "…'_Where_ _are you staying? Are you okay—are __we__ okay? I want to talk to you; at least answer your cell, in the future. We were all worried_'," Fai mumbled, reading it aloud. He closed his eyes, cheek against his text book, "I did the right thing, didn't I?"

"We all wonder that, kid. The only one who can say is your heart."

Fai looked up at Kokuyo before closing his eyes again. He was tired and his arms hurt.

**XxXxXxX**

Kurogane returned early from lunch break, too irritated to even attempt a journey into the cafeteria for food. He'd just wait until later to eat. Kunsanagi had chewed him out for fifteen out of the twenty-six allotted lunch minutes because his grades were already on the high side of failing, or as his coach had put it, the low side of passing _and _his wrist wouldn't be out of a brace for at least four more weeks, so he—the captain—was basically out of the action.

He paused, smirking softly as his eyes fell on Fai, who was asleep at his desk, head nestled between his arm and his textbook. Small crumpled pieces of paper littered the floor, and a pencil was still in hand, poised rather limply over a scrap of paper. Kurogane leaned over, gently brushing the blonde's bangs from his face, lips pursed in frustration even in sleep. "Fai," he mumbled softly, "What will I do without you, you moron?"

He sat down at his desk, leaning forward to pick up one of the crumbled pieces of paper. It was a note, written in Fai's tight, neat handwriting, although it was marred in anger, little pinpricks of the linoleum floors shining through when the pencil point had broken through the paper. Kurogane raised an eyebrow, reading through the mark outs and scribbles and half-erased words:

_I'm sleeping on the street between picking up men—I'm staying at my apartment, you dumbass. Like you even remember it exists, huh? _

That part was struck through with an angry line.

_My apartment. I'm okay, obviously. _

Nothing wrong with the information there. Kurogane read on.

…_We? There's still a we? That… After what you've said to me, I don't know what to think anymore. I want there to be a 'we' again, but you don't believe me when I keep telling you it's dangerous. I wish you wouldn't say that you love me, because there's no way of knowing. Please don't get my heart set on you—don't make me hope for things you can't promise. I can't take losing you. I can't plan for these things. I may wake up one morning to find that we don't live together anymore, that you're gone. I know I will, because it's happened so many times before. I can't get dependent on you and lo—_

Again, this little paragraph was crossed out in angry smudges and lines, even where Fai's hand grew shakier and the pencil smudged and the paper wrinkled like there had been tears on it at one point.

_There is no we. I remember what you said—it was the truth. And quite frankly, I'm tired of how you treat me when we're not around other people. You say you hate façades and masks, but you're a good actor. You really care what others think, and I don't know if you're the same person really that I liked. So, no. We are not okay; we will never be okay. I will not, as you so romantically put it, break down and confess my 'love' for you. One day, we will forget we ever knew each other. You will. I promise. I don't want to talk to you—I don't even want to see you, but that's unavoidable. _

Kurogane assumed that that was the last of the note, as there was no more, just Fai's loping signature at the bottom of the page. As harsh as Fai sounded, he knew it was not so.

There was hope. There always was hope.

**XxXxXxX**

Much to Kurogane's irritation and dismay, Fai was making an effort to ignore him _everywhere_. In the grocery store, school, PE—he even had the balls to hit ignore every time Kurogane tried to call him on Tomoyo's urging. (He was not getting desperate. He was _**absolutely not **_getting desperate for Fai's attention.)

But he had to talk to him. He _had_ to.

Because, that afternoon in PE, he swore he saw a flash of bandages when Fai jumped up to block a free-throw.

**XxXxXxX**

He didn't know why, but he found himself at Sakura's house after a day of wandering around the town. It was Saturday, and he really didn't have anything to do since they'd canceled practice for their concert the next day due to Watanuki having a crisis of some sort. (All he'd heard on the phone was 'store', 'Doumeki', and 'kittens'. He really wasn't going to ask.) He hadn't hung out with just Sakura for some time, and he really _did_ have fun with her—she always knew how to cheer him up…

So he knocked.

Touya opened the door, looking a little irritated, "What do you want?"

Fai smiled, blinking up at Sakura's older brother; he was really intimidating sometimes, but since she had started dating Shaoran, Touya was suddenly a lot less scary. "To see Sakura-chan."

"She's out," Touya stated flatly, "She went to the twerp's house."

"Oh…"

"Come in anyway!" Another voice called happily. Fai peered over Touya's shoulder to see Yukito trotting down the hallway, customary content grin on his face and something small and incredibly orange in his arms. "He's just grumpy 'cause Kero-chan ate his report."

"Oh!" Fai cooed, stepping inside once Touya had moved aside, "What's that?"

"Sakura's new pet," Touya mumbled, glaring at the small orange kitten. "It's a menace."

The kitten looked up and glared at Touya, then snuggled back into Yukito's arms, who beamed down at it. "Clow-san's cats had kittens," the older boy explained, "And Sakura-san got one. His name is Cerberus, but Sakura-san says he's more of a Kero-chan. Can you take him to Sakura-san's room, please?"

"I'd be happy to!" Fai exclaimed, smiling as Yukito deposited the kitten into his arms. He liked cats.

Touya scowled down at Fai, "Don't you dare touch anything in her room," he threatened. Yukito patted his arm, smirking as he mouthed 'sister complex' up at his boyfriend. Touya looked like he could steam vegetables on his face. Fai turned away, staring down at Kero-chan walking slowly to Sakura's second floor room. Once there, he closed the door behind him, Kero jumping out of his arms to make his home on Sakura's pillow.

"Awful comfy aren't we?" Fai asked, addressing the orange cat. Kero yawned at him. Fai absently walked around Sakura's room which held an odd mix of childhood stuffed animals and band posters. There was a certain endearing clash between pink pillows and black clothes that made Sakura's room, like its inhabitant, truly unique.

His fingers brushed across the keys of a well-loved keyboard, knowing from previous visits that it was Sakura's first and favorite. He flipped it on, allowing his fingers to flow across the notes. He was a little rusty on his piano skills—nothing a few minutes of tinkering around couldn't fix.

Soon he had a workable melody. He glanced at the door, then sighed—he was safe here at least. No one should hear him, and if Sakura was at Shaoran's, she wouldn't be back for a bit.

"_Enemy, familiar friend_

_My beginning and my end_

_Broken truth, whispering lies—_

_And it hurts again; _

_What I feel and I what I try_

_The words I say and what I hide_

_All the pain, I want it to end—_

_But I want again. _

_And it finds me_

_The fight inside is coursing through my veins_

_And it's raging_

_The fight inside is breaking me again._

_Still the same, pursuing pain_

_Is it worth the lie I've gained? _

_We both know how it will end—_

_But I do it again—_

_And it finds me_

_The fight inside is coursing through my veins_

_And it's raging_

_The fight inside is hurting me again…_

_And it finds me_

_The war within me pulls me under—_

_And without you_

_The fight inside is breaking me again…_"

"If you miss him that much, why don't you do anything?"

Fai started, hitting several discordant keys in his surprise. "Geez, Sakura-chan, give me a heart attack why don't you?" he scolded turning around to face his friend, who was standing in the door. He froze. "Sakura-chan—what's wrong?"

Sakura lifted her chin defiantly, bangs falling over her eyes, which were rimmed with red. She stalked over to her bed, flopping onto it on her stomach, lace and belts flying every which way as she did so. Kero ran for his life, skittering under his mistress's bed so he wouldn't get squished. "Nothing," she muttered irritably, hugging onto a large pink pillow for dear life.

"Sakura-chan," Fai scolded, sitting next to her. He reached out, laying a hand on her shoulder, "You were crying," he urged gently.

Sakura sat up, glaring daggers at him; "You never tell us what's wrong, so why should I?" she shot harshly. Fai winced. "Oh—Oh, I'm sorry—Fai-san, I didn't mean to—"

Fai shook his head, "I deserved that," he chuckled. He leaned forward, smiling gently as he pressed his forehead to Sakura's, "But when I see such a cute girl crying, I can't help but be worried."

"Casanova," Sakura snickered, grinning. Fai sat back, grinning triumphantly. "Fine, I'll tell you, but we have to trade."

Fai winced again, "What a low blow. You know I'd do anything for you, Sakura-chan."

Sakura fell back onto her bed, "It's Shaoran. He… he… he said it was best if we didn't see each other outside of the band right now," she said slowly, voice wavering. "Oni-chan's gone off to murder him."

"Yukito-san will stop him," Fai said gently. "There must be a valid reason, Sakura-chan. Shaoran likes you very much."

"Well you like Kurogane-san a lot, but you two still broke up. It's just not a lucky month, is it," the girl mumbled, rolling over to bury herself in her pillow again. Fai slowly ran his fingers through her hair, chewing his lip thoughtfully.

"You see, Sakura-chan, _I_ broke up with Kurogane," Fai murmured, "And I did it so I could protect him. Maybe Shaoran-kun is trying to protect you?"

"By making me miserable? I think not." Sakura heaved a long sigh then wiggled away from Fai, lifting the end of her mattress up, digging for something underneath it.

Fai raised an eyebrow; "Uh… Sakura-chan? What are you doing?"

Sakura pulled out two laminated cards, then turned to Fai looking determined as hell; "I declare a mental health day."

"_Hyuu_. Sakura-chan, are those what I think they are?"

**XxXxXxX**

"Okay, look, I am not doing this. I am too busy to even think about the consequences, and not to mention that it's _illegal_!" Watanuki snapped, wincing as a kitten pushed its paw into his face. "Dammit, Moro!" he hissed, trying hard not to drop his armful of cats-in-a-box. "You sure you don't want another kitten, Sakura-chan? Kero _must_ be missing Yue by now."

"Dad said only one since Oni-chan is allergic."

"Oh. Fai-san?"

Fai looked up from the kitten that he was currently cuddling with, a fluffy white cat named Ruby; "No pets allowed in my apartment, I'm sorry Watanuki, or I'd take one," he said apologetically, touching noses with the affectionate little kitty. "Or two. I love kitty cats."

Watanuki gave another frustrated groan, setting the box full of cats he was carrying down. "Well, Soel and Larg had all these damn babies that we can't keep—it drives Yuuko-san and Clow nuts, they want to keep them—they named them even! Yuuko-san named two of them _horrible_ names! And Clow just keeps coming up with these random elegant sounding names that are really weird for cats!"

Sakura nodded, "That's why Kero-chan is Kero-chan. Maybe when he gets bigger he'll fit into Cerberus, but right now he's too cutesy for it." She stopped playing with Maru, who continued to bat at her hand even though it was still; "But this is entirely beside the point! We need someone level-headed with us to drive us home and stuff!"

"I am not doing it!" Watanuki declared, shaking his head. "I don't even want to think about it! It's _wrong_ and it's _illegal_ and _think_ about what'll happen to me if I do what you ask!"

Sakura put on her best pout and Watanuki began to fidget until he gave in; "Fine. I'll ask Doumeki to drive and accompany you two, but I am not going."

"It's good that he's nineteen."

Watanuki grumbled a reply as he flipped open his cell phone, punching Doumeki's number in rather angrily.

"It's not like we're the only teenagers doing it," Fai threw out, giggling softly as Ruby climbed up his shirt to bat at his bangs.

"I don't care about other teenagers, I care about you!—_**No that was not some undying love confession you creep**_!"

Sakura and Fai giggled—watching Watanuki talk to Doumeki was always fun.

**XxXxXxX**

"How did I get talked into this?" Watanuki lamented, following Fai and Sakura slowly. The only reason he was even moving was Doumeki kept pushing him forward.

"Because Doumeki-san asked," Sakura said breezily. She held out her hand.

Fai followed the process once Sakura was through. Watanuki looked over his shoulder and shrieked. Doumeki reached around and put his hands over his mouth, looking steadily at the bouncer. "Sorry," he droned, "But he's unstable."

The bouncer frowned, but still held out his hand for Watanuki's ID. Doumeki handed it to him as well as his own. The four continued into the club.

Once out of range, Watanuki grabbed Fai's hand, staring at it in shock, "_You are _not_ over twenty-one_!"

Fai gave Watanuki a sweetly-venomous smile, "Now you know why we needed Doumeki," he said dangerously, before yanking his hand away and disappearing into the strobe-lit crowd with Sakura.

Tonight was going to be trouble. But it was going to be _so_ fun.

**XxXxXxX**

They could hear the music even before they were there. He wanted to lose himself in the beat.

_**We're clocking in to watch our fate come crashing down  
We're clocking in to watch our fate come crashing down**_

Fai slid away from Watanuki, losing himself in the Technicolor crowd. Bodies moved around him, occasionally brushing against him in their dancing. His eyes watered from the constant change of light, but he blinked against it and grew accustomed. He was already sweating underneath his leather collar, the heat of all the partiers making his mind grow funny. He wanted to lose himself. He walked up to the bar, sliding into an absent seat.

The barkeep looked at him funny, and Fai flashed his ID (_fake_-ID), grinning flirtatiously; "Watermelon margarita."

Within minutes, he had the drink in hand, licking his lips clean of the cold, salty mixture. He drained the last of it slowly, noticing a new pair of eyes on him that were not the watchful, disagreeing ones of Watanuki; he looked over his shoulder. A man in his middle twenties, Fai guessed, with shaggy hair and glasses was staring at him, eyes slowly moving down his body. Fai shivered, suddenly feeling very exposed in his midriff top and low-rise pants. He ordered another drink, handing the bartender a twenty for both. He took this one and walked out to the dance floor, music pounding through the soles of his feet.

A different kind of music than what he was used to; the beat worked its way into him and forced his body to throb along with it, and before long he was dancing. More people began to stare at the black lit white skin, the way his lips curved around the rim of his glass, the way his eyes aimlessly searched for someone to just _touch _or _skim_; the soft blur of the beginnings of intoxication affecting the way he moved, fluid, sensual movements to the beat of the music, begging someone to just dance with him.

_**I can't pretend I'm happy when—  
And now I know it's pointless  
I'm constantly on a down  
And I'm tired of waiting**_

Warm hands snaked around his hips, burning the cold skin on his hipbones. "Let me buy you another drink," someone whispered. A man's voice. Fai looked over his shoulder, meeting eyes with the man from the bar.

A soft smile crawled across his face, handing the man his empty glass; "Beer this time. It's easier to handle over here."

The man laughed, pressing a kiss to Fai's ear. "Your wish." Fai watched as the man threaded through the crowds to the bar, continuing his dance. He could feel himself working against the alcohol. It probably wasn't a good idea for him to keep drinking considering his father's intolerance for it. But he wanted to lose himself. And this just seemed like the perfect plan to do so. He wondered if Kurogane would toss aside what he had said before— _'I don't care what you've done or who you've done what with as long as you don't intend on going back to them'_— he would, he was sure of it. This was the end game; after this night, there would be no reason for Kurogane to even think about him. He'd ruin Kurogane's nice pure image of him.

_**Climb to the top,  
Climb to the top  
And now you're falling again**_

Something cold was pressed against his neck. "Your drink."

Fai gave a soft shriek of surprise, which was swallowed by the music, then giggled, turning to face the man. "Thank you very much," he purred, sliding the bottle out of his hands, purposefully letting his fingers brush against his. "Say, what's your name?"

"Yoshiyuki. And yours?" Yoshiyuki inquired, trailing his fingers through Fai's bangs.

"Fai," the blonde answered, taking a long drink of beer. It tasted awful, but he drank it anyway, the harsh taste of alcohol stinging his nose and making him feel hot all over.

"That sounds like a cat's name," the man laughed softly.

"I'm very feline, you'll find. It suits me. Shall we dance?" He didn't wait for an answer. He just wanted to forget, to lose himself and find a new reason to hate. It wasn't the easiest thing in the word, to let someone else's hands skim over his body like that. It made him self-conscious. He was glad for the fact that his shirt was only open to the front, for he was sure this man would not be as understanding of his scars as Kurogane.

_**But I can't dance, no,  
And I sure as fuck can't sing  
We're clocking in to watch our fate come crashing down  
We're clocking in to watch our fate come crashing down  
Why do we play into this motive?  
What are you waiting for tonight?**_

_Fai blinked awake, slightly dazed and completely groggy. He did not recognize the room. For a second, terror gripped his stomach, but then he noticed Kurogane out of the corner of his eye. He turned to stare sleepily at his boyfriend, "…this is _your _room," he said stupidly. _

_Kurogane raised an eyebrow, chuckling softly. He reached out, cradling Fai's cheek in his hand. It was so warm. "So this is what you're like when you wake up," he remarked with a smirk, "I was curious." _

_Fai blinked sleep-heavy eyes, crawling back under the covers, stretching languidly in their warmth. As he wriggled about trying to get back to his comfortable huddle against Kurogane's chest, he felt his shirt slide up his back. His mind was still thoroughly engaged in dreams, so he didn't notice until he felt the cold air and heard the soft gasp. He pushed his face deep into the pillow in shame as Kurogane's hands hovered over the small of his back. _

"_What happened?" _

_Fai squirmed, "What do you mean?" he muttered into the pillow. _

_Kurogane paused, fingers lightly tracing the arches and valleys of the bone-white skin that webbed its way across his back. At the edges of the abnormalities were pink swirls where the scars tried to blend back into the healthy skin, the slow crisscrossing pinpricks of where new skin was constantly sewed back on in his months of solitary confinement in the hospital. "These scars," Kurogane breathed. _

"_I was badly burned in the accident my family was killed in. Cadaver skin was sown into my back to make new skin grow. I wasn't lucky. It got infected a lot because I scratched and clawed at it; it itched. They had to strap me down a lot… and it scarred. My entire back is like that—well, not really. From…" Fai sighed, reaching back to pull up his shirt, and then ease his pants down until the gentle V of his back showed. From there to right below the hollow between his shoulders was scared. "If I can, I'm thinking of getting a tattoo to cover it up when I get older. I'm not sure if they'll let me or not."_

_It took Kurogane's breath away; he knew some would turn away from this, but this was a sign of strength for him. It showed of Fai's want to live, to endure, no matter how the boy denied it; it spoke of pain and suffering, but also of victory. And it was beautiful to him. He leaned forward, gently pressing his lips in a brushing kiss against the very centre of the scar. "It's fine the way it is." _

_Fai shivered beneath him, breath hitching out in short pants. His body felt like it was on fire, pooling in his stomach. He was too sleepy and far too enamored to realize that the touch should have, and would have if it had occurred any later in the day, make his skin crawl and his stomach lurch. "Kuro-sama's such a naughty boy," he giggled, wiggling underneath the covers, "It's only the first time I've stayed over and he's already so forward!" _

No, he didn't think he could allow anyone to see that part of his body. In all reality, he would probably remain celibate for the rest of his life, unless his father found him again. He couldn't stand the thought of touching with anyone besides Kurogane voluntarily. It was nauseating. It made him feel weird.

_**You wonder, you wait  
And you can't get through this without a friend  
Now  
Climb to the top,  
Climb to the top**_

"… I feel odd," Fai mumbled, frowning as Yoshiyuki's hands slid down his stomach to his hips. His mouth felt like it had been stuffed with cotton and his body was beginning to feel heavy. His mind slugged through its thoughts, Fai dimly wondering if it was because of the alcohol. He turned, "Le…let's go tha… to sit," he offered, words slurring as his eyelids became heavy. Everything seemed to blur together.

"How about we take it to my place?"

Fai gasped sharply as hands fell on his ass; "No." It suddenly didn't feel like such a good idea. He changed his mind. He didn't want this sort of thing. He didn't want to be that person who slept around. No. His body began to systematically loosen, falling against Yoshiyuki, who supported him, grin on his face.

Through the throbbing haze, Fai grew hot with anger. "M…my drink…" Why was it that everyone wanted something from him that he did not want to give? This guy wanted in his pants. Kurogane wanted his love. Ohjiro wanted his freedom. Ashura wanted everything he had to give. Why was he always forced?

Yoshiyuki leaned down, stealing a rough kiss from Fai, who by now had no choice, lips, like the rest of his body, limp. "…no…" With the last strengths he could muster, he weakly beat at Yoshiyuki's chest, before that too, was stolen away from him. The half-empty beer bottle fell from his fingers and shattered at his feet.

God, he didn't want this. The man's hand was already working down his pants. They were in a darker corner of the club, where everyone assumed it was consensual or they were too smashed to refuse anyway. He didn't want this. He wanted to scream and run and vomit and scour his skin until he scrubbed it off and he bled it all away. Kurogane—where was Kurogane?

_That's right. He won't come save me anymore. _

"…n…o…"

Yoshiyuki's hand was just about to slip into his underwear when it was snatched away by a tanned hand.

"He said no," someone stated flatly. "It would be best if you walked away."

He was lifted up by wiry arms, strong enough to be Kurogane's. He looked up and met a strong gaze that was discolored by the flashing lights—but even through the strobe's pulse, they seemed to be the color of fire.

_**And now you're falling again**_

**XxXxXxX**

He drifted his way into consciousness rather than waking to it. The first level was the voices. Two voices, soft in the black haze. One was sharp, worried, while the other was calmingly dull. He could not identify these voices.

The second was his body. Slowly, he would systematically become aware that he was not a stone obelisk, but a person, feeling coming slowly to each limb and digit. Then, it was his mind. The heart-shattering and devastating conclusion was that he could not remember how he got to wherever he was or what had happened once he got he finished his second drink at the club. He remembered the weak urge to run and strong arms and the thought of Kurogane…

Then he realized that this bed was definitely _not _his. He rocketed up, "Oh, _shit_!" He instantly regretted it, collapsing back down onto his elbows, groaning as his head spun.

"Oh shit is _pretty_ appropriate."

Fai looked over, grimacing at the movement. "Watanuki…?" His mouth felt like it had been stuffed in cotton. He slowly sat back onto his heels, sheets gathering around his shoulders. He huddled back into their warmth, noting that he was in different clothes. He absently hugged his arms to his chest, earning a deeper glare from the cat-eyed boy.

"How stupid are you!" Watanuki raged, standing abruptly from his place across from the futon Fai was huddled on. "Going and getting drunk! That is the stupidest thing you have ever thought of and you've thought of some pretty damn stupid things in the few years I've known you!"

"It was Sakura-chan's idea," Fai whispered sullenly. God, his head was pounding.

Watanuki stilled, "Yes," he whispered softly, "It was, and I've already bitched her out. But you were supposed to be her voice of reason!" he shouted, "Since you were there! Or did you empathize with her?"

The boy leaned forward, grabbing Fai's shoulders, shaking him, "Hell, I don't have a problem with you even going to get drunk, but really, Fai-san! Do you not know not to take drinks from strangers?"

"I knew his name."

"I don't care! If Doumeki hadn't found you when he did, you could be dead in a ditch!" Watanuki's voice broke from the onslaught of hysterics; "You were so close to being _raped_, Fai!"

Chills ran down his spine. "I… don't… remember that," he whispered, eyes wide and glassy.

"That's because you were drugged," the bespectacled boy said flatly, eyes far-away. "You were already passed out when Doumeki got to you. He saw you fighting him across the dance floor and suddenly you just fell limp, like a doll… and…You've been asleep since we brought you here last night. We have a set in two hours."

Fai's lips trembled, and he hunched down into a ball under the covers and shook. Slowly, he became aware of a soft keening noise that was growing louder and louder into a heart shattering howl of sorrow. It felt like he was breathing glass, something tearing at his throat.

Watanuki wrapped his arms around Fai, climbing into the futon with the boy, sitting on his knees so that his friend could lay his head against his chest. He rocked the sobbing blonde, hugging him tightly.

"He didn't save me…" It was then that he realized that it was his broken voice creating the inhuman wailing, and he fractured. In his eyes were facets, Watanuki's face broken up by the tears, and they blurred as they fell and suddenly, all he could see was Kurogane's disgusted face. "He didn't save me!"

Over and over again Fai whimpered the same mantra, and Watanuki didn't realize until sometime later, after hundreds of 'you're okay now's that Fai was not speaking of Doumeki. He was talking about Kurogane.

The teen recalled the bandages and scars on his friend's arms, remembering how Kurogane had managed to lull Fai out of his self-destruction and how badly Fai was wanting to get his attention even now, when he had publicly sworn off the junior. He tried to imagine himself in Fai's place—it was one of the worst feelings in the world. He held the blonde tighter.

"It's okay to need him," Watanuki whispered, "It's not your fault."

**XxXxXxX**

Fai stared blankly at the mirror, trying to figure out who the hell was staring back at him. In the reflection was a young man with shaggy blonde hair, bright yellow eyes, and dark kohl around their eyes. He reached up and twisted his hair into a rubber band at the base of his neck; the reflection mimicked him. But it sure as hell wasn't him. The man staring back at him looked confident and cold in a tight black tank, low-cut pants, and a myriad of belts and a heavy, spiked collar around their neck. They looked like they had everything together and didn't give a shit about their other self staring at him. He swore he could see the reflection move, lean towards him, bangs covering their left eye and the other him mouthed

_I'll never forgive him. I never really will. _

And then it was himself again. A pitiful-looking teenager with red-rimmed eyes and half-applied eye-liner, one eye shockingly blue, the other a golden-tawny, watering from the saline solution. He did not have everything under control.

He rummaged in his bag, pulling out a handful of pills. He surveyed them contemptuously for a moment, then sighed, popping two into his mouth and dry-swallowed them. He finished putting on his stage makeup, and after a moment of poking himself in the eye, managed to insert the other colored contact.

He wanted to forget this feeling.

He wanted to forget everything.


	32. Reteaching Seven: With Eyes Wide Shut

**Gothix, Reteaching Seven: **_With Eyes Wide Shut_

_And if God takes me before you, _

_I just want you to know I love you—_

_And you made me the strongest of all men_

_I'll remain the happiest of men. _

Blow out the candle,

Close your eyes.

Drop the knife,

Close the phone.

Open your heart

Open your veins.

Give it up,

Give it away.

Fall down.

Fall, fall, fall, fall

To earth and crash into

The barriers that keep you here,

Lay in your crater of broken wings

And bloody feathers

That were torn away by greedy fingers and

Envious maws;

It is possible that you were born

Just to die

To never be loved

To simply fade away

To never be reborn.

So take yourself away

To that land in your dreams

Where nothing is there

And blossom red

Against that delicious white

And

Simply

Close your eyes

Open yourself

And let the black flow in

And join yourself to your perfect vision

Of your love, your

Life, your

Pain, your

Salvation, your

_Death_.

_I miss you, _

_Baby, close your eyes; _

_Let's meet in our dreams tonight._


	33. Lesson Eighteen: Because You Lived

**Gothix, Lesson Eighteen: **_Because You Lived_

_Live, live, live, live because you  
Love, love, love and love will make you  
Give, give, give and give in when you  
Break, break, break but you just want to  
Fix yourself just to break again..._

It was still there. It wasn't getting better. He was getting sicker, getting weaker. He was becoming less impervious to the voices, the dreams, the memories. He would look in the mirror and see _him_ and could barely move, his face twisting, distorting into something sick and feral, finger pointing accusingly towards his heart, which… despite it all, was still beating. Was somehow… somehow, still beating; he was physically aware of every dull pound, each contraction of muscle that was somehow not tied to his own physical will. Even though his body was tired, too tired to keep up, his heart still beat, pushing each tide of blood forward, through, and out; he could feel it, surging through his veins, weaving through every layer of tissue, intertwining with nerves and spider webbing out into delicate capillaries too small to see, but large enough to feel and bleed and somehow keep him alive even though his will was dead.

He leaned over and retched, vision swimming before his eyes. It was all water anyway. Like he was drowning or something. Damn, he was still so thirsty. He threw up again.

_It wasn't getting any __**better**__. _

"_You must live." _

**XxXxXxX**

"Fai-san, are you okay?"

"We're worried about you."

"Hey! What's wrong?"

"I'll help you to the nurse's office, okay?"

"Geez, pretty boy, get a grip. You look like shit… What's up?"

"Fai-san! Please, tell me what's wrong!"

"There's no one there, Fai, what do you mean?"

"Please… be okay…"

The faces were superimposed. He squinted. This wasn't supposed to happen this way. God, he was so dizzy. His mouth felt dry. He reached for his water.

**XxXxXxX**

**I wish I could have done the right thing the first time around…**

**XxXxXxX**

"_You must__live." _

He obeyed, shaking the pill into his waiting hand, swallowing it dry.

"_You __**must **__live." _

**XxXxXxX**

**I wish I could have lived a life without mistakes—**

**XxXxXxX**

The lithium was not working. He knew that much—he could feel that much. He'd been through the trial-and-error with the drugs before; he knew when something worked and when something didn't. Everything was still shaded black and blue. The side-effects, which had been carefully lined out for him at the last doctor's appointment at the beginning of the summer had hit him with a vengeance, leaving him barely even capable of functioning between the hallucinations (which, were 'rare', what a _joke_), and the nausea and everything else.

"I assure you, Fai-san, I've seen a definite improvement. Even your journals say you're making improvement," Shuichiro said dryly, raising a thoroughly unhelpful eyebrow at the blonde.

Fai squirmed under the man's gaze. "I'm not getting better," he repeated, swallowing words with a dry mouth. "I don't feel better. The dreams… they're getting worse and—god, I just want off the medicine—"

The doctor straightened his papers expertly, checking his notes. "Sometimes," he said gently, "Things get worse before they get better. You're not better, no; there's no guarantee that you will ever be fine, Fai-san. With these things, everything is hit and miss. I want you to stay on the lithium for a little while longer—there hasn't been enough time yet. I need a full month with you taking it consistently."

"But—"

"Fai-san," the man said sternly, but kindly; "I know you're worried. How about we meet more frequently? Will that make you feel better? I'll be able to monitor you longer, and for a more even amount of time, and see how your mood swings throughout the week. But I assure you, your episodes have evened, from what I've heard from your answers and seen in your journals. The hallucinations, the dreams… Well, right now, I'm worried about controlling the swing," Shuichiro informed Fai. "Once we've got that under control, I can start with other drugs. But, you know, Fai-san, I need you alive for that, and that's what the Lithium seems to be doing. I can give you some medicines to control the side-effects, but I won't take you off, because it's working."

The blonde fidgeted again, lacing his fingers together with a shiver. He felt drained and uneven, wondering how Shuichiro could see progress in his stupid ramblings. He felt like he'd hit the rocks at the bottom of a fall, then began to seep into their very pores, falling past the edge of the world. "If you say so…"

Falling down, further and further, hand outstretched. He could feel the ghosts of hands passing through his fingers as he tried to grasp onto something in the void.

"I do," Shuichiro said softly, putting his pencil down. He stood, moving to escort Fai to the nurses' station for more blood tests. "I think you're doing very well, living alone like you are, Fai-san. I know it's hard, but you do know you can call outside of your appointment. I'll do my best to be there."

Fai sighed softly, watching the nurse pull a vial of blood from amongst his scars, staring in a sick amazement. He wanted to dig down and pull off the tourniquet and let it drip and paint the floor. Would he still be alright then? How would the nurse react? How would his doctor? Nothing seemed to shake the man. He wondered if Ohjiro had visited; he wondered how much Shuichiro knew. Surely everything; surely. How else could the doctor treat him without knowing? Ohjiro had to be skulking around somewhere, biding his time. But what if he didn't know? God, what then, there was no way—not without fully diving into the deep, that he could ever be saved by a finger skimming the surface. _Reach deeper, pull me back up from under—reach deeper until your entire being is painted in the same deep black sorrow as my soul and then—help me—save me—someone, please—!_

He looked up at the nurse, staring at her with large eyes. _Keep taking it, take it until I die, I don't want to be here—_

Except he couldn't think that way anymore. Every time he did, he saw faces. Heard voices. Saw the underworld, dark and deep and full of thorns that tore at him even more relentlessly than the knife, dragging him down and strangling him slowly, and he would wake, tearing at his own skin in terror.

He trudged through the days, haunted by his dreams.

**XxXxXxX**

**I wish that I could've taken the right path the first time—**

**XxXxXxX**

_Everything was black. He reached out his hand, feeling something hard and smooth give way underneath his hand—a door. He had to reach up to find the knob, something he hadn't done for ages, not since before he had hit puberty and grown like a weed. It was slippery against his small hand, and he pushed, hinges creaking as he stepped into the room. _

_Something was damp underneath his feet; it squished and sloshed up into the soles of his well-worn sneakers, boding ill—it was like the carpet had turned to mud underneath his unsuspecting body. _

"_**Momma**__?" he cried plaintively. The noise of his feet against the floor was sickening. As he stepped off the long rug, he slipped, barking his chin against the floor; his hand flew out and bumped the light, illuminating everything so suddenly. _

_There was no more color. _

_Just red. _

_Only red. _

Forever.

**XxXxXxX**

"Fai!"

Fai blinked 'awake', staring blankly into jade green eyes… that were upside down. "Ah?" It was Sakura, leaning over the track railing to stare at her friend who was currently serving a block period of intense boredom because he'd been too lazy to dress out for PE. "What?"

"You were asleep… And drooling, too," Sakura teased with a giggle. Fai huffed, puffing his cheeks out in reproach.

"Was _not_! I don't drool! And if you don't believe me, you can ask Ku—" The blonde broke off, looking a little more than horrified, face losing any color that it had. He quickly looked away, too afraid to see the look of pity he _knew _was on Sakura's face.

Sakura winced as she watched her friend's blood drain from his face; it was hard to see Fai become so withdrawn within a second's span. She leaned a little more over the protective railing on the raised track to wrap her arms around Fai's neck, who shifted away from her on his bleacher seat. "I'm sorry, Fai-san," she whispered. "I wish I knew how to make it better… for both of us." She held tighter, eyes closing so she could resist the urge to glance across the room to meet (or, quite frankly, dodge) Shaoran's gaze.

"It's hard, I know… But—it gets better after this, I think. We just have to live right now. You know what I mean, right?"

Fai thought back to his dreams, and of the warm, harsh voice that followed him.

"_You must live." _

**XxXxXxX**

—**the shortest road to the kind of people I want to meet, I want to be—**

**XxXxXxX**

Fai shrugged off his coat, letting it fall idly to the floor as he shrugged on the apron that served as his uniform while he served his shift at Yuuko's store. He kicked his bag aside, ignoring the fact that yesterday, as well as every day that he'd worked in the past two weeks, Watanuki had griped consistently at him about neatness and picking up after himself. He also failed to note that his friend always straightened it up anyway, while the bespectacled boy always made Doumeki, Watanuki's own boyfriend, pick up his archery things and the random books the elder teen occasionally left out of place.

"So it's homecoming in a month…"

Fai cocked his head to the side, listening to the low murmur of Watanuki's conversation. The blonde knew his friend had to be talking to Doumeki, because Watanuki was never that calm with anyone else. He sneaked forward, idly curious. He had decided that even if_ he _couldn't be happy, he could still root for his friend from the sidelines—and besides, who _wouldn't_ eavesdrop on the two? They were the closest thing to cute that Fai had seen in a long time.

"Three weeks, actually."

A groan, accompanied by a silence that Fai _knew _had to be filled with Watanuki's signature 'god-you're-not-really-being-that-technical-are-you' eye-roll. "Why do you have to be so damn _technical_?"

Fai giggled softly. Just what he thought. Watanuki, for all of his instability and mood swings, was actually quite predictable.

A sigh—Watanuki's. "Fai come out from hiding." The blonde froze as Watanuki called him out, sulking as he sneaked out into the store proper.

"Geeze, you're becoming more and more like Yuuko-san," Fai complained. Watanuki laughed, shaking his head with a wave of his hand.

"So what's your opinion about it?"

Fai frowned looking up at Watanuki from where he'd knelt to pick up a stray magazine that had fallen off its shelf. "On what?"

Watanuki sighed, looking at Doumeki, "Hopeless, he's hopeless," the boy snapped. Doumeki shrugged as if to say 'How is that _my_ problem?' Watanuki glared before turning back to Fai, addressing the vocalist. "The Halloween Ball is being combined with the Homecoming Dance," he informed the blonde.

"And this concerns me… why? It isn't as if I'm going," Fai said coolly, leaning back against the counter Watanuki stood behind.

"Have you _forgotten_ already, Fai-san?" Watanuki demanded, waving his hand in the air agitatedly. "Yuuko-san's booked _us _for the live performance! AKA, we _have _to go"

Fai blinked, "Huh?" He didn't remember this. He really couldn't remember this. He absently ran his hand through his hair, tugging idly at the small ponytail at the nape of his neck. "Whe… When did this come up?"

"I emailed it to you! You even replied!" Watanuki huffed, shaking his head.

"Um… Really?" The blonde gave an anxious laugh, stepping backwards a little. Okay… if Watanuki had proof, then things were really getting bad. Things hadn't been feeling coherent anymore, but if it was this bad… if it was this bad…_ Shit._

The bespectacled boy whipped out his cell from his jeans pocket, flipping it open with an audible click. Even Doumeki winced at the rough treatment the phone was getting in Watanuki's frustrations. "_This_!

Fai swallowed hard, taking the phone gingerly. He cradled it between his palms, staring blankly at the glowing screen. There it was in neat little print. Their exchange, documented, real, unwavering beneath his eyes. It was almost too much to take. It was not only proof of their little conversation about this that or the other, but of the fact that… this was not… working… He felt the world move beneath his feet.

**XxXxXxX**

**I wished the world I lived in could have been kinder—**

**XxXxXxX**

"Watanuki-san, I can't talk, I'm sorry," Sakura said softly, shaking her head. Her earrings jangled as she pulled on her fall coat, adding to the noise of the hallway. She looked up at her friend, who was so obviously worried about everything in the entire world. Watanuki was their mother-hen. He kept them all sane, and lately… he was falling short too. She leaned onto her toes and kissed his cheek, "Text me later, and we'll talk, I have a date today," she informed him.

The teen scowled, pushing his glasses up his nose. "Wait—I thought you and Shaoran were, you know—" Watanuki gave an awkward fidget, knowing that that subject was just as taboo as the one about Fai and Kurogane's relationship (or rather, lack of one).

Sakura smiled softly, "Well, I guess it's not really a date," she murmured, pulling out a book from her locker, sliding it into her messenger bag. "But Syaoron-san and I are going to hang out today." She looked back up at Watanuki; "Don't look at me like that. This is something that I chose to do."

"And for that, I can't argue with you," Watanuki replied, "But… if you keep going on like this, don't you think you'd end up breaking him even _more_?"

Sakura tucked her bangs behind her ear, looking a little wistfully down the hallway to where the two twins were laughing together with Ryuoh. "I… this is something that I've decided to do. Syaoron-kun as well. Is it so bad to wish for his happiness?"

"You know what Yuuko-san always says," the bespectacled teen warned. "What determines happiness is, in the end," he said, gently laying his hand on her shoulder, "The person who wants the most to be happy. It's a personal decision."

"Then this is what makes me happy, Watanuki-san," Sakura said, eyes steeled. "Making him happy, no matter the cost, is what will make me the happiest… People can find their own happiness in that of others." This was something that she was determined to do, regardless of the circumstances. Was it so bad to want things to be normal? To be like they were before the black clouds of death came and blocked all the joy they used to enjoy together?

"I can't argue with you," Watanuki repeated. "I won't. But—"

Sakura held up her hand, "If I listen to you anymore, the price may be too large to pay. We'll text about it later. I assume you wanted to talk about Fai."

"Yeah, well, never mind. Just don't forget practice tomorrow!"

Sakura smiled at her friend, "I won't!" she chirped cheerily, closing her locker gently before flouncing off down the hallway, leaving the faint smell of flowers and lace behind her.

Watanuki leaned against the lockers, arms crossed. He watched them, feeling helpless. He couldn't do anything to help them. He didn't know what they were going through; he could barely even fathom the pain. People pitied him for his own circumstance, but the sorry truth of the matter was that it didn't hurt. Yes, he lost his parents, but he was so young that he barely remembered them. It was a phantom pain. It wasn't real and it was a grisly feeling. He cried once a year, if that. He knew he lost them, and he remembered that… but it wouldn't be like losing Yuuko or Clow now. He could imagine it, but only just; like one could barely comprehend the idea of being blind or deaf after living for years with sight and sound. He imagined it being like a lost limb, numb and always pounding, an ache like the one from a worried toothache. But he'd never had a twin to lose. He'd never had to compete with a brother for someone's love. He'd so very fortunately never lost a lover. As much as he could never imagine it, he knew; it was so painful that no one who hadn't experienced it could even fathom how deeply it hurt. No words of apology could smooth it over, no amount of comfort or advice could be given that could encompass it all… He couldn't imagine, but he knew it hurt.

The three talked for a minute or so in the clearing hallway, their words lost among idling busses and beeping cars and the meaningless chatter of a thousand children teeming the halls like ants. He watched their mouths moving in helpless imitations of smiles and civilities, seeing the cracks form right before his eyes. He saw so much; he understood too much that he could not share and could not ease. He watched the girl hook her arm with the boy with the two brown eyes as the other one watched with ease. Played it cool. Shaoran wanted this as much as Sakura did.

They wanted to save the boy, the one who was left behind. And for that, Watanuki could not blame them. But there were better ways than pain; there were better ways that this… And the truth was… Syaoron could only be saved if he wished to be saved. And he did not want it. The balance was so unequal, the exchange so unfair. He could see it, and he could not spare them.

"It's their choice, Kimihiro."

Watanuki looked over his shoulder, staring up at his boyfriend, "And where did you sneak up from?"

"The hallway," Doumeki answered, giving a one shouldered shrug.

Watanuki huffed a little, but leaned against the elder teen, "Don't you have practice or something?" he grumbled.

"No."

The bespectacled boy sighed; he knew that Doumeki was lying, but… Sometimes, little lies were alright. "Yeah, it's their choice, but it's mine to worry."

Doumeki looked down at his boyfriend, eyes meeting. He sighed, then blinked and looked away; "It helps no one to worry yourself sick."

"I can't do anything more than watch over them," Watanuki countered. He turned to face the elder teen, face set stubbornly in the way he was prone to when Doumeki wouldn't let him have his way.

The archer shook his head, wrapping his arms around Watanuki's waist. "You're wrong."

Watanuki shook his head. "There are people that you can't help," he replied sadly. "There are people who want desperately to be happy, and grab hold onto anything they can, yet cannot become so unless others turn and help. Just like that… there are those who will not turn around and take the hands offered to them in their time of need. The people in need of hands the most… Are they those who will not take, or are not given?"

"They're both in need," Doumeki replied, staring down into Watanuki's eyes, trying to decipher the feelings there.

"Yes… well," Watanuki mused. He slipped away from the elder teen, shrugging his messenger bag over his shoulder.

"Kimihiro," the archer murmured, reaching out. He took Watanuki's hand into his own, holding onto it tightly. "I won't let go. You need it, so take it."

The slighter boy's face flushed and his lip trembled slightly, lithe form folding inward. He bowed his head, bringing Doumeki's hand to his face, pressing the back of the archer's hand to his cheek tightly. "It's hard. It's so hard." He shook, and Doumeki felt something damp slide against his knuckles and he held on even more fiercely. This was what he could not lose; this was what he had to hold onto, the slim boy with the dark hair and so much empathy for others that he could drown in it, that he allowed to devour him whole like a demon that was hungry for blood. Doumeki reached forward with his free hand, drawing Watanuki close to him, blood boiling with the determination to not let this boy slip away and disappear somewhere.

"Do you wish for your own happiness?"

"I wish for theirs," Watanuki murmured, "I want them to be happy, but it's not my place, it's not my war to wage, my life to intervene—I cannot create happiness for them, but I want—I want them to be happy, since they make me so happy, I love them. They make me happy, so I want them to be happy… That's all it is…"

"Then I wish for yours," the elder said simply. "That is all I do. I'll make you happy when they can't. I wish for you."

Watanuki was silent for a long time before he finally dropped Doumeki's hand, letting their entwined fingers fill the space between them. "Since you're skipping practice anyway, let's go out," he offered, voice quiet as he stepped back.

The archer paused and thought for a minute. "No," he replied. "Let's just go home. You can make inarizushi."

"What am I, your _maid_?" Watanuki snapped, flushing in characteristic chagrin. Doumeki smirked a little, glad to have managed to diffuse the slighter teen's melancholy.

**XxXxXxX**

"H…hello?" He probably shouldn't have answered the phone. Unknown numbers with far away area codes never boded well.

The caller sensed his apprehension, a warm sounding, nostalgic female voice; "Dear, this is your Aunt Chi."

"Auntie?" Fai nearly dropped the phone in surprise. Other than his father, he'd never had any more contact with his family after Ohjiro had spirited him away from Celes in the night. "How in the world did you get this number?"

"Of all people, your cousin Eagle," Chi said laughingly; "Here I was thinking he'd not forgiven you for … well, the upset you caused."

"E…eagle, huh? Wow, auntie." His mouth tasted odd, like a mix of copper and acid and rot. He could feel his hands start to shake, a cold tremor passing through his body like a bullet. Anger buzzed underneath the fear, bitter tears welling up in his eyes. All the pain, all the sorrow, all of it, and it was an upset. Why did no one ever believe him! After all of this, after it all, no one believed him… not even… not even—The name was poison in his mind, calling him to curl up and press the knife into his skin, beckoning him to slip away. Kurogane—Kurogane—why—why did no one believe him enough for him to feel safe?

"Well, he said he got it from your father, it's no surprise; those two were always so close."

Fai nodded absently. He could remember that quite clearly. Eagle was the son his father could be proud of, even though Ashura wasn't Eagle's blood father. Eagle was the one that wasn't pale and sickly and was strong and cruel and fast—Fai could feel his cousin's hand on his face to this day, back when Fai couldn't speak to anyone but Ohjiro. He tried to open his mouth now, to say something, but the words curled into ash on his tongue and all that came out was a strange mewling sound that almost wasn't human. His throat was sealing, nerves and fear and despair of the memory consuming his sound and voice and drying his mouth, breath too shallow to even push out the smallest most pitiful of noises. He hung up and shattered his phone under his heel.

**XxXxXxX**

**Where I could live without hurting others, or being hurt myself…**

**XxXxXxX**

It was in reality, very awkward. She couldn't understand how he saw her sister in her. For all she tried, she could not see Shaoran in Syaoron. They were twins, yes, but everything was different, from their words to their mannerisms. She was not that far broken. She still held some scraps of reality in between her fingers, the threads that held together the sands of time that were slowly seeping away. But the glass had broken, and the cloth that bound them all together had been severed years and years ago, when the small girl with the big smile and heart had faded away from them, pulled away with a sigh that sounded like a stormy gale or perhaps even the sound of wings struggling to take flight. But what had been two, became one with that gust, leaving the entire universe unbalanced, wrong, broken. How long would it be until the universe tipped on its axis again and halved her heart again? Even though the universe moved forward through time towards entropy, towards disorder and disaster and chaos, it also favored symmetry; in the body and mind and in nature, the bloom of the flowers and the order of the rolling waves—was life a battle between the two? A struggle to keep what was precious and good and perfect, and the struggle to move forward in the chaotic buzzing of life? But perfect things weren't always perfect; sometimes they were disordered and chipped and broken, and it filled her with an overwhelming longing and sorrow to know this.

Her heart broke for the boys across from her at the table. So she smiled— it was all she could really do for him was smile and pretend she was her sister. It made her feel empty, dirty; was she really just a fill-in? Was that all she was good for? To replace something else, to be someone else? To just be an instrument to fill an empty space, a lull in the time? What a cruel world, what a cruel time, if all she was to be was so undeserving of anything.

But she could not allow him to go through the same pain she did. She loved him so deeply, she couldn't bear to see him so twisted with despair, so changed by loss. She would not allow that to happen to Shaoran. If anything, that was who this was for. If any more precious people around her died, she just couldn't go on.

**XxXxXxX**

_That smile_. That smile! It was horrible, maddening. It drove the knife deeper, it emptied the bottle quicker, it gave the graves a hollow ring and a soft touch.

Every time she smiled he thought of a time when everything was simple. When the most worries he had was wondering if she'd take his hand when they stepped on the bus. Then it was gone, that smile was a ghost—a ghost—not there, no love behind it—made him want, made him long—

Black… black…

_She didn't love him_.

Well of course not. Love was just an illusion of something else right? Pity? Sorrow? Grief? Guilt? All of the above? Truly, someone could never love him the way she did. He missed her so badly.

**XxXxXxX **

…**Where I could live without letting my important people down…**

**XxXxXxX**

"So you're not going to do anything at all?" Watanuki demanded, watching Kurogane sling his back over his shoulder.

"I don't see why I should."

The bespectacled boy gaped in confusion; Kurogane… didn't see why he should do anything about Fai? "We could lose him for real!" He grabbed at the teen's shirt, "I can't do anything but watch—"

"That's right!" Kurogane growled, mimicking Watanuki's motions with much more venom and a shake; "You can't do anything but preach, you weak little brat with a holier-than-thou complex! Going on about choices and prices and shit, but what it is that you're too scared to do anything yourself! Scared and lazy and weak, you—"

Doumeki clamped his hand on Kurogane's shoulder, looking the athlete in the eye. "Put him down. He's trying to help."

Kurogane snarled in disgust, dropping his hands from the bassist. He punched the desk hard. "You think that I don't know that?" he spat.

"Then why aren't you doing anything! Everyone is doing what they can, and you're just—" Watanuki looked away, shaking his head. "We can't—you're the only person who can do anything about it."

"It's his problem," Kurogane said curtly. "You don't think I tried?" he questioned, "You don't think that it would hurt me if he _did_ decide to end it all? We went through this once, and I promised him it wouldn't happen again, that I would do my best to help him, and he didn't think I could stand up to it."

"Then show him that he was _wrong_!"

"Show him that he was wrong…?" Kurogane tipped his head with a scoff, staring at Watanuki in contempt. "It's not some game of getting the people who can do things to do it themselves. Sometimes, even your pitiful little urgings and feelings don't do anything more than make things worse. Do what you do, and I'll do what I do. I always hear you preaching about personal choices, so why don't you make your own to butt out?" He turned away from the boy, sliding out into the hall, trying to lose himself in the chatter.

Sakura appeared by his side, looking up at him with sad eyes. "Watanuki-kun is doing his best," she murmured. "That's how he is, and he's trying his hardest."

"Not you too. Isn't the popular law that once you're dumped, your ex's friends disappear with them?" Kurogane rumbled.

Sakura smiled sweetly. "You're too much a part of who we all are now. I don't think you'd enjoy being alone again as much as you'd like us to think, anyhow."

Kurogane stopped, staring down at the girl; she beamed back up at him in her way. He sighed, leaning into a locker. "Okay, so?"

Her smile widened. She leaned forward, looking Kurogane up and down before pressing her index finger to the elder's chest. "You're hurt. I know it. I've gotten good at sensing other people's pain lately," she said sorrowfully.

Kurogane grimly nodded how her eyes grew hollow and haunted. He'd seen that look before; dear god, he couldn't let another one fall apart in front of his eyes. He grabbed a small wrist, hauling Sakura through the hallways, the girl stumbling behind him.

"Heeey! Kurogane-san! Where are we going!" she called. Kurogane ignored her, escorting her out to his car. He popped the lock, "Get in."

Sakura giggled. It sounded like Fai's. "Are you kidnapping me?"

Kurogane grit his teeth. She was just like him, too much like him. She was too strong of a girl to be like him. "Just get in, alright?" he demanded.

The keyboardist smiled and slid into the old car, buckling up as Kurogane collapsed into the driver's seat. Within five minutes, they had peeled out of the high school parking lot, and were racing down the high way, moving as far away from Koryo as Kurogane could get without warranting a beat-down from Touya. Though, he might still get a beat down, regardless of where they went—it was hard to tell with Touya.

"It's so quiet," Sakura complained, "Can we listen to something?"

Kurogane looked over at her absently, "Sure, whatever. I have a cord so you can put in a CD player or whatever." He paused for a long time, feeling her eyes on him. He tightened his fingers around the wheel. She was prompting him; good god, it _hurt_. "Fai gave it to me," he said finally. "I… never threw it out."

"I didn't think you would have. You're too kind," she said gently, smiling as she fished her iPod out of her bag, daintily hooking it up to the car's ancient stereo-system. She pressed play.

As soon as the song started, Kurogane knew he'd invited hell upon himself. "No," he grunted through clenched teeth. "No, turn it _off_."

"You said I could listen to whatever," Sakura said with a smile that could give Kurogane nightmares. "We have to memorize this song for a set."

"No, god_dammit_— do it on someone else's time—"

_Have your nails scratched the deepest?_

_Have you broken skin this time?_

_Made your mark and took me deeper_

_As you drowned me with your eyes_

_I held my hand over your mouth_

_As you screamed at me to feel_

_You felt my scars with understanding, _

_But I can't promise anything—_

_Can you tell?_

_That I picked my poison well_

_That I have no more to sell to you—_

_Is it really that important that I settle down?_

_Does it even really matter that I have my doubts?_

"Please—turn it off," Kurogane said, raising his voice over the lyrics. He hadn't heard Fai's voice for what felt like ages, even though he knew the blonde had spoken in math, in the hall, about him, talking him down, saying things like 'can I borrow a sheet of paper' with no recognition in his eyes, playing the game of 'Oh, do I know you' to the point that Kurogane had no space of heart left that had not been mutilated. Dug into, clawed out, been laid prey to Fai's weakness. God. He hurt. He needed it to stop just as much as he needed to hear it.

Sakura shook her head, eyes closed as she played an imaginary keyboard to the music.

"Sadistic _bitch_," the athlete said miserably, feeling his hands shake. It wasn't that he didn't want to do anything about it; he heard everything from Sakura or Watanuki about Fai, about how he was slowly losing himself again, about how he was forgetting things, about how he wasn't eating. About how his hands shook and how he was becoming anemic and how he was becoming reckless with his cutting and how close he was to the edge, but he couldn't do a damn thing about it, because Fai had thrown him away. Told him, flat out.

"_**I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much to be with you."**_

He could hear it, ringing in his ears and the sight of Fai's pink lips forming those words always burned his eyes. It made his throat tighten and burn and threaten tears. And he couldn't do anything about it.

He wasn't strong enough to hold onto Fai, to keep him there, to make him feel safe, to protect him from this. He hadn't been strong enough to stand up to Fai's father, or make the blonde take his pills.

_I have my doubts, _

_I have my doubts, and so does everybody else_

_So help me take this all away,_

_You gotta help me take this all away_

_Please help me take this all away_

_And bleed like me_

"It's your fault if he dies," Sakura said suddenly. "Just like it's mine if Syaoron-san does."

"You and Fai are idiots," Kurogane said hollowly. "You do the wrong things. It's not just me that Fai wants, just like it's not you that Syaoron-san wants. So don't be an idiot."

Sakura looked stricken. She turned her eyes away from Kurogane, before covering her face in her hands. "I can't do anything but let him—"

"Let him die," Kurogane finished for her. "You're killing him by meddling."

"And you're killing Fai!" Sakura snapped back; "Every time! Every time you breathe! You're killing him!"

"No. He's killing himself," the teen said hollowly. "If he was really dying because of me, he wouldn't have left me. Had he not wanted to die, he would have stayed."

"You're too cruel."

"Possibly. I'm just hurt," Kurogane said eventually. He reached out and tugged Sakura's MP3 player off of the cord and dropped it in her purse. He ripped the cord out of the console, chucking it out of the window. In the silence, it felt like throwing Fai away. "He doesn't talk to me like he knows me anymore. I can't tell if that's why he does it, but I can tell he's forgetting things again. I helped him through it before, but this time, he doesn't want my help."

"How do you know that?"

"_Promise me, if you're ever in trouble, call me. I'll help you, I swear I will, no matter what's wrong…"_

"… _I will."_

"He promised me he'd ask for help." He'd been a fool to make Fai promise him something like that; he'd been a fool, just like Fai was. He knew it was just empty words, but they'd meant so much to him, even though he knew that they would never become true. If only…

"Well, Syaoron-san promised me that there'd be a double wedding when we were children!" Sakura protested hysterically. "Why are you shifting the blame onto him! Why won't you try to help him!"

Kurogane pulled into the parking lot of a convenience store, staring at the reflection of his car in the store's glass front. "Because. It's his choice. My choice is to let him make his own decisions, even if he's not in the mental state to do so… He's had a lot of choices taken from him, I know… so letting him choose… It's all I can do for him now." He gave a gruff sigh, "All of you guys… you're being so hypocritical, all of you…" He ran his hands through his hair, letting his forehead press against the steering wheel. "Tomoyo said that if we couldn't stand each other, it was alright to break up, but that it wasn't if I loved him. Watanuki preaches his bit about personal choices and happiness, and you—you're telling me—you're accusing me of doing the same thing you are—" He hit his fist against the dash in frustration. "That's all it is! This eternal runaround of saying things that sound nice and not what needs to be said; you can suggest things all you fucking want, but people are never going to do them! They're not going to take into account your feelings, just their own, no matter how hard you try! That's all he does!"

"People get weird when it comes to the ones we love, Kurogane-san, that's all it is."

Kurogane tugged at his hair. Why did he say that? Why did he let Fai talk him into telling those lies? Why? Why did Fai believe them so easily? Did he really—did he really think that about himself? "Tch. Don't preach to the choir."

"_Make me regret falling in love with you!"_

But Kurogane knew he couldn't make Fai regret it anymore than the blonde already did. It hurt. More than hearing that Fai loved him in such a way, it hurt that the blonde loved him… And regretted it.

Sakura was silent for a long time. "I don't know what to do."

Kurogane looked over at her. "I don't either. Being alone sucks."

Sakura nodded. "It does. But think… how do you think they feel? They have to feel alone like this too— Someone needs to reach out and tell them that someone cares, even if it's not in the way they may have hoped. I know you're worried, and that's why you brought me out here," she said gently. "Thank you. Maybe you should do something for Fai like that."

Kurogane laughed bitterly. "Maybe you're not an idiot. Maybe you are. I can't tell."

"Take a chance."

The elder teen thought about it, smiling sadly. "Maybe I should."

**XxXxXxX**

It just wasn't fair! How could she even still smile? After having lost everything, after being forced to live away from them, how could she smile? After what she had been through… she was so…

He wished she would smile for him and stop looking like that when they were together.

**XxXxXxX**

Kurogane set his teeth, knowing that if he thought about what he was about to do, he wouldn't do it. But, he knew, that this was the one thing he'd ever be willing to take a chance at. And that's what he hadn't done before—he hadn't taken a chance at this for a long time, not since he had first gotten into that car with Fai; it had always been Fai stepping out on a limb, making his feelings known to the world. Well, now it was his turn.

He quickly unzipped the case, and swung the guitar on. He felt like he was living a bad teenage movie, but, he figured, why not give in and feel it while he was still a teenager? He grimaced; crappy logic.

He stood, standing on top the chair in front of the empty table in the front of the cafeteria, the one that was generally reserved for club signups and fundraisers. He took a deep breath, then stepped onto the table itself and turned so he was facing the cafeteria itself. Another deep breath as he fingered the frets of the guitar:

"_Waking up without you, _

_It doesn't feel right, _

_To sleep with only memories_

_It gets harder every night—_

_And sometimes I think I can feel you_

_Breathing on my neck—_

_Tonight, I'm reaching out to the stars, _

_I think that he owes me a favor—_"

People were staring at him, but not the person he wanted to look.

Fai sat near the back of the cafeteria, headphones in, pouring over his calculus book, for lack of anything else to do. No one else was really in his lunch, which actually overjoyed him at the beginning of the school year, because it meant that he had thirty un-interrupted minutes of time at school with Kurogane, which was special even though they were living together. Now… well now it was just dismal.

"Hey!"

Fai looked up at the person tapping his shoulder; "Huh? What is it?" It was a person from his literature class, a boy named Yamazaki and his girlfriend Chiharu (who was in his social studies class).

"That's your boyfriend, isn't it?" Chiharu asked, pointing up to the front of the cafeteria, "Suwa-san, right?"

Fai pulled out his other headphone, staring up at the front of the cafeteria. "Oh my god," he breathed. "Excuse me."

"_It doesn't matter where you are_

_I'll hold you again_

_I wish I could hear your voice_

_Don't leave me alone in this bed—_

_I wish I could touch you once more,_

_Don't leave me alone in this bed—_

_Not tonight_

_Not tomorrow…_"

Fai pushed through the cafeteria, seething at what he saw: Kurogane, standing atop a table, playing guitar and singing like some lovesick fool. Which was what he was, but—at school! This was at school! He was basically putting their problems and past love life on display!

"_I've got the feeling that this will never cease_

_Living in these pictures never comes with ease_

_I swear, if I could make this right, _

_You'd be back by now…_"

Kurogane smirked, watching Fai barrel through the audience he had garnered. Good. He was listening.

"_Tonight I'm screaming out to the stars_

_He knows he owes me a favor, _

_It doesn't matter where you are_

_You'll be mine again!_"

"No I will not!" Fai hissed, shoving the front of the crowd away until he was at the front, glaring up at Kurogane, "What the _hell_ are you doing!"

"And I can ask the same thing!" A teacher cried shrilly, pushing Fai away to grab Kurogane's arm, hauling him off the table. "Principal's office, Suwa-san! Ichihara-sensei will not be happy about this!"

Fai hissed through his teeth. This meant _**war**_. He just wanted peace. He just wanted Kurogane to live. And now—he just couldn't forgive the elder for this.

**XxXxXxX**

—**Where selfish mistakes didn't happen, and where love was truly easy.**

**XxXxXxX**

"Hurry it up, Fai; Sakura and Shaoran can only distract the admins for so long."

"Yeah, I'm aware—" He made a beeline for the piano in the back of the cafeteria. A few weeks ago—no one knew exactly how it had happened, just that somehow the freshmen managed to wreck the auditorium during one of their assemblies—the school's piano and a good bit of the drama department's sets had been moved into the cafeteria. All too convenient for what he was about to do.

He wasn't sure how far the plot had gone, but his friends had been apt to help him retaliate. Sakura and Shaoran showed their devious side and made some sort of stink-bomb commotion on the other side of the school, drawing all of the teachers that way. Watanuki promised Fai that Kurogane would hear. It didn't really matter to him if the elder heard him or not. He just had to do something.

He slid onto the piano bench, cracking his knuckles before setting into the keys.

It was the only way he knew how to anymore.

"_I remembered early yesterday morning—_

_Why do I feel as if I'm gathering piece of broken glass? _

_Blood drips from my cut fingers_

_I wonder if we wanted to do these kinds of things—_

_I already knew, deep inside my heart,_

_That the most painful choice would be the best…"_

**XxXxXxX**

Sakura wasn't with Shaoran setting off illicit stink-bombs. She was waiting by the ISS room with a pass from Yuuko to bust out Kurogane when Watanuki sent the signal text. It was all carefully devised. The only variable was whether Kurogane himself would go along.

She tapped her foot impatiently, glaring down at her cell phone, willing it to vibrate with the message. "Oh come _on_!" she snapped, shaking the thing.

"Is there anything you want, Kinomoto-san?" The ISS teacher asked, looking at the girl with a raised eyebrow, having spotted her outside his room.

Sakura started, then smiled sheepishly. "Um! The principal wants Kurogane Suwa, please," she murmured demurely, presenting the pass.

The teacher scoffed, then moved into the classroom, and in seconds, he presented Kurogane to Sakura. "Come back with the pass," he told Kurogane irritably before shutting the door in their face.

"What's going on?" Kurogane grumbled as Sakura grabbed his wrist.

"Come on, come on—oh, damn, okay never mind, we're on schedule," she mumbled, looking down at the phone in her hand.

"What—?"

Sakura gave a groan of frustration, moving around behind Kurogane to push him on. "Go, go, go! You got Fai's attention, isn't that what you were after! Dammit, now go do something about it! He just started—go!"

Kurogane froze for about two seconds before sprinting off across the building. There was no time to waste; he didn't think he could run fast enough. Whatever Fai had to say to him, it was important—he didn't want to miss a single word.

**XxXxXxX**

"_I shouted until my voice was dry, _

_The echo reverberates in the empty air—_

_Although there was nothing left after the chains were removed—_

_Fate allowed us to meet, _

_This darkness interrupts relentlessly and countless times; _

'_So this is how it is' I murmured_

_Someone's tears flow down dry cheeks—_"

A small crowd was gathering, but Fai had no eyes for them. If the plan didn't go through, well… he didn't quite know what he'd do then. Something. He didn't know if Kurogane would even be around. He _hoped _he would, but at the same, it was so embarrassing. Putting himself out there like this. Somehow, this was different.

He knew he was a fool. He knew he would never truly be free of Kurogane; that was the thing about the elder. Kurogane was invasive and stubborn; Fai knew that Kurogane would keep standing on tables and chasing and hurting. As long as Fai was breathing and alive in front of him, and maybe even longer, Kurogane would keep on.

The soundest, most lucid part of Fai knew that it was worthless, trying to protect Kurogane from a fate the elder would welcome with open arms, if it was truly the price. It knew that the things Kurogane had said to him that night were forced, clumsy lies. He knew that Kurogane knew, or had at least guessed a good deal of what his relationship with his father was like that night. And still, Kurogane was standing on tables. Being some love struck idiot.

And yet, that small part of him was only a small cry in the back of his mind, drowned out by the wrenching darkness of his heart. He was doing what was _right_. Even if he himself died, Kurogane had to live. It hurt so much, this regret. Regret for loving someone so much that he threw away every single wall he'd ever built; regret for not realizing the danger until it was too late. He regretted that Kurogane cared so much. Above all, he regretted coming to Koryo and putting so many people in danger. Why in the world would someone like Kurogane give up so much for someone like him? There was no possible way.

If he hadn't gotten lost the first day of school, would he be here? If he had looked up at a different time in the assembly, or not have dropped his books… would it be any different? Or would they have defied every what-if-could-be, and were drawn together forever and ever, caught in a vicious cycle of love and hurt?

There was no point in even thinking that way. It would be an endless game of what ifs and I wish, the thousands of could-have-beens would drive him even further into madness.

He hated Kurogane for what he did to him, for how he made him feel, for how lonely he was now. That, he was sure of. But love and hate were very much the same emotion. There was no way to love someone without hating them a little, because love opens you up whole to a person, and exposes every single weakness you have. He couldn't live, really and truly live, without Kurogane by his side, and for that, he hated Kurogane.

He knew, undoubtedly, where Kurogane stood in the whole matter. Kurogane was gunning for him, one-hundred percent—and what a foolish, foolish man he was—! Kurogane loved him, with all his heart. Kurogane would _die_ for him.

But Fai didn't want that for Kurogane. But he wanted… so much… to just… be happy—why was that so damn _hard_?

"_All we gotta do, _

_Just be friends,_

_It's time to say goodbye, _

_Just be friends_

_All we gotta do,_

_Just be friends, just be friends_…"

It wasn't getting any easier the way they were. He couldn't really foresee anything getting better if they were to begin speaking again, but he would give anything, anything… to feel wanted again. He was selfish and horrible; he wanted once more, to hear the elder, just once more—if it was a song or a rebuke, he just wanted to hear Kurogane's voice.

**XxXxXxX**

It was hard to believe—that after all this time of ignoring him, rebuking him, that Fai would respond to him at all. Maybe he was just angry; whatever Kurogane expected to hear, he knew it wasn't going to be anything resembling remorse.

He skidded to a halt in the cafeteria, the sound of the piano and a clear, sorrowful voice echoing through the packed room. It was deadly quiet; even during his performance, there had been an underlying buzz of chatter and interest. Fai, as usual, captured everyone's attention, probably from the first note that had left his mouth. The crowd of students stared, enraptured, staring at the back of the room, where Fai sat, back straight as his fingers flowed over the piano's keys.

With a pang, Kurogane realized he'd never asked who taught Fai to play all the instruments he could play. Who helped him hold his first violin right? Who taught him the octaves and arpeggios his fingers were so adept at teasing out of the piano? Who helped him tune his first guitar; who first gave him a verse to sing? All he'd asked of the blonde was to teach him; Kurogane had wanted to learn, yes—but such a superficial lesson. He was arrogant to think something like a guitar could bring them closer, to think that was enough to tie Fai to him.

Fai had taught him the frets and cords and they had played and sung together, and Fai still set him free.

But didn't Fai realize he didn't _want _to be free? His wings were clipped; he could never leave the blonde alone, never. As much as he pretended that what Fai was doing wasn't slowly killing him, Kurogane, watching Fai there in the cafeteria, talking to him in the only way there was left, felt the ache so acutely he wanted to kneel over right there.

"_I realized yesterday's quiet night_

_That even if I pick up the fallen flower leaves, _

_It won't bloom again like before; _

_The small death in my hands, _

_Our time is frozen still…_

_I remembered the season when we first met, _

_And your sweetly smiling face—_

_I push the present to the past_

_And receive the scars that are both ours—_

_Our hearts are full of thorns,_

_Even in this frustrating, continuing relationship, _

_I, sadly, can't change my heart—_

_I loved you—_

_I don't want to be apart from you!_

_But I have to say it—" _

"I know you do," Kurogane murmured. He wanted to rush forward, end the words he knew Fai was trying to convey to him so sadly. Remorse colored each note, sad shades of once-vibrant colors, Fai's anguish so obvious. Kurogane could see each day they spent together so clearly, so acutely it hurt. He could see what he could not before; Fai's pain was so obvious in retrospect.

He did not take Fai seriously. His heart was full of the soft childish notion that love would fix the problems they had. He was amazed that Fai even allowed him to touch his body. He pushed and pushed and pushed, and Fai took it all with a smile on his face. Even their happiest times were filled with that soft blue of sorrow and pain, it was always there. Always, and he did nothing. Did nothing but add to it, take the brush in his hand and paint away. He'd always been unable to do anything for Fai, even from the first day he'd taken with the boy, where he told him he'd understood. He'd only taken. He never gave.

Fai was serious, so serious. He was shattering both of their hearts because he knew, deep inside that Kurogane did not believe all of him.

Kurogane knew he had meant it when he told Fai that he would gladly die for him, and he always thought that Fai's problem had been that he thought the elder would not fulfill the promise. He could see it now; how _selfish_ he had been! It was not that Fai did not believe in him, but it was that the blonde believed in him so much, and knew, if the time came for Kurogane to take a bullet or a knife… that he would. He never understood how much that belief had hurt Fai, had driven him crazy with guilt and fear. There was someone out there waiting for Fai, and all the blonde wanted was to keep people safe. He was selfish and stupid for thinking he could do it alone, but then again… So was Kurogane.

He felt so foolish; he wasn't strong enough to take some of the burden from Fai. He wanted to be able to do that. He wanted that so much.

"_The rain that pours on my heart __  
__Dazed and terrified, even my vision is blurry __  
__I anticipated the hurt, __  
__But my body can't move—_

_The fate that connected us _

_Becomes untied and disappears into everyday life…_

_Goodbye my loved one, _

_This is the end_

_Now, look, we can go on without looking back…_"

"No… I will always look back," Kurogane murmured, hands shaking.

This couldn't be the end of them. He would not allow it; he could show Fai just how sorry he was, surely, surely… there could be a way back for them. Or was it foolish? Was there already so much damage done that no one could turn them back? That they could no longer stand each other, no longer fix anything, even though he was so deeply sorry that he felt it deep within him, making him sick to his stomach, sick to even look at himself in the mirror?

Was this how Fai felt? Was this why he turned to the knife and not to him?

This couldn't be the end—

**XxXxXxX**

**I wish I was born in a world without fear or guilt…**

**XxXxXxX**

Movement caught his eye, and for a moment, he almost faltered in his performance. Kurogane was there, and he was listening. The look on his face made Fai's heart stop, it made him waver. He did not want to let this man go, but he absolutely had to.

Ashura was keeping tabs on him. Eagle knew where he was. Any day now, Ohjiro would show up, and it would be the end of the line, then. There would be no where left to hide in this town, and another empty coffin with his name on it would be lowered to the ground, and just like that Fai D. Flowright would be gone. Every trace, every connection, every scrap of his existence would be erased from Koryo save for an empty grave for an empty boy.

If he had his way, that grave would be the only one. There was no use in blaming himself, but he knew he had a hand in what was happening to Sakura. And then there was Kurogane.

"_Once more, once more, _

_If my wish can come true—_

_I want to be reborn many times…_

_I'll go and meet you from that day…_"

He wanted to take Kurogane with him, hold him tight in the little part of his heart that could not bear to let go anymore. The elder teen gave him so much hope and so much pain. He was human, he was wanted—he was not some fake little empty vessel that was used as a tool by the justice system. He was real and he was—he was just so utterly human in every way. There was nothing wrong with him to Kurogane, he was perfect and whole to the man. He was loved so much, every single touch, even when they bumped into each other jostling their way to school, every touch was filled with so much love and adoration that it melted him to his very core. He was loved and wanted and he wanted to throw himself into Kurogane's arms and beg for forgiveness. He needed it so badly, and Kurogane only ever saw him as blameless, and _god_… He wanted.

But he had lied to Kurogane. Every breath he took in Koryo was a lie. He was not safe; he was barely human.

"_I shouted until my voice was dry, _

_The echo reverberates in the empty air—_

_Although there was nothing left after the chains were removed—_

_The fate that connected us _

_Becomes untied and disappears into everyday life…_

_Goodbye my loved one, _

_This is the end…_"

He could not allow himself to waver and end Kurogane's life in the process. The man was too precious to him. If he died, Fai himself would surely shatter. There would be no chance at even death for him anymore. If he caused Kurogane to die, he would quietly submit to his father. Death… would be too easy a punishment for Kurogane's life.

_Please don't hate me, Kuro-sama, I do what I must._

**XxXxXxX**

**A world without broken hearts, and broken lives, where love exists always. A world…**

**XxXxXxX**

Kurogane stood in place long after the last notes died, and Fai was carried off by the staff that he had so entranced. Now that he understood completely, he had to try harder.

Fai was lonely, and he was scared, genuinely scared of something in his past. He was running from it. He could feel it in his bones; if it came time for Fai to run away from this place forever, he would follow the blonde. He would be with him.

He clenched his fists. He could be strong enough for that. He would be strong enough to follow Fai wherever, even with his wings clipped the way they were. If it was with Fai, for Fai, he was sure he could do it. He couldn't lose anyone anymore; he had sworn to be stronger than that. If it was within his power to stay with Fai and to protect him, he would do it, at any cost. Always.

He had to. Fai left him no other choice; this was a corner he would very gladly be backed into. Fai was right, it was the end of what they used to have; but somehow… Kurogane wanted to make something new between them. Somehow.

There would be a way; he wouldn't come back as the man he was then, there was no way if he came again, just like he was. But somehow. Somehow. He would move, and he would grow, and he could be strong, even if his strength could only be used to save Fai.

He just had to.

**XxXxXxX**

…**where you could only do the right thing. I wish I could have gone forward—**

**XxXxXxX**

He wasn't entirely sure what was real anymore. The last thing that was solid for him was the look on Kurogane's face in the cafeteria. He couldn't speak anymore, fear and guilt and despair locking his words far away, where no one could reach them, where he could barely even pull them to the forefront of his mind.

Had his words reached the elder's heart? He had to understand, surely then… that this was not his choice.

He shook, wading through the darkness. It was thick and suffocating, and moved with him with an audible squelch, slick and sticky like oil. It swirled around his body, sliding across his skin and into his blood, running like poison through his veins.

So many times he had come here in his sleep, and most recently, in waking. His medicine was supposed to be helping him; it had been assured that it was helping him. It was the last thing he had to keep himself whole for the elder; however, the more he took, the thicker the darkness became.

It sucked him down, his body sliding through it; he opened his mouth to scream and it slid into his nostrils, into his mouth, filling him thoroughly with it. He screwed his eyes shut and felt hands on him.

He tried to scream even louder, inhaling the scent of alcohol and blood and sweat, and he knew instantly that he was trapped. Those hands, that scent, could only belong to his father—there was no escaping this.

_Please—no, nothing but that—_

He was broken. That's all there was to it. As if it were even possible, the dark grew even deeper.

**XxXxXxX**

—**Instead of standing here and looking towards the past and my mistakes…**

**XxXxXxX**

_It had been a while since he'd been here, on the chess board. The tiles stretched on into infinity, his feet carrying him from black to white to black to white, on and on, bringing him no closer to what he strove towards. The air was filled with the soft clinking of chains and the rustle of something that sounded like wings, far away in the dark air. He reached up and tugged irritably at the collar around his neck, metal links shaking and breaking free, falling to the tile beneath him, shattering the quiet expanse of eternity. _

_Any second now. The rainfall noise of metal on the marble board signaled the change, the beginning of battle, the end of everything. Any… second now… Something was moving. He sunk back on his haunches, muscles tensing. "Who are you?" he barked;"Where are you...Answer me!" _

_The man stepped out from the darkness, the peripheral horizon blurring by as the distance of forever suddenly shortened, bringing the stretched perspective closer, making him nauseous with the sudden snap of time and scope. _

_The young man before him tipped his head to the side, lips curving into a sad smile as he dropped his weapons, the flash of blades and chinks of chains echoing like the crashes of waves."You don't recognize me yet." He reached forward, skin pale and ghostlike, tracing the features of Kurogane's face before him. A silver collar flashed, and Kurogane imagined that for a second, he saw blue mirrored in the man's eyes, the color of the sky. "Recognize me." _

"…_Who are you?" _

"_One day, you'll see," the man said softly, "That no matter where we are, regardless of who we are, you will know me." He leaned forward, closer to Kurogane, and a wind blew around them, shattering the faceless man's skin. _

_He seemed to grow younger, thinner, sharper, black cracks webbing across his skin, pouring crimson down around them. "Please—soon—" he cried, "Realize me—Or I'll—"_

_Kurogane could see through him, the lines of the chess board sharpening through the boy's skin, as he faded away, black and bleeding, the blood spreading—too much blood—it was too red, too saturated, like the blue— _

_His hand still outstretched as he crumbled to dust, the silver collar falling in circles, and as it spun it shrunk, now a ring, the blue of the sky eyes twinkling as it fell and tumbled, and Kurogane was reaching out for it, metal cold and brittle like it had never had lived so well worn on a finger…_

_Or perhaps had not yet existed._

"_Don't go—! I __**know**__ you—I __**love**__ you—_Fai—!"

Kurogane shot up from his nightmare, heart pounding and covered with a cold sweat. Had… had he really been dreaming of Fai for all these years? Even before he'd met the boy—had he _really_? Was it even possible? Surely, surely, for who else could tear his heart like this?

"Damn him—damn _me_!"

**XxXxXxX**

_How long had it been since his dreams hadn't been that of Ashura and destruction? The world around him was muddy, a swirling eddy of mists and bright bursts of light as he half-swam, half ran through the thick air. It was heavy here, thick with the tingling taste of a storm in the air, and a scent of wet earth. Around him in the mists, faces and names continually formed and reformed, surrounding him with epochs of love and sorrow and unbearable need. They were all like him, somehow, but some of the faces felt alien to him, yet he still, he knew—he knew why they were happy, but he still… He was acknowledged among them, their parallel faces and hearts and who were they all, were they him? He was lost, he was lost; why was he here, surrounded by the very borders of the end of the universe and Time? Was he here to die a slow death, in the world within his dreaming and slow insanity? There was no way out, and he was alone here, unsure of who he was and why he even lived. _

_He stretched his fingers out, brushing into the shimmering reflection of a young man, blue eyes dim and dull and—for the moment, they were as lost as each other. They were the same, trapped and lost and questioning. His hand sunk through the image like he was plunging his fingers into water. The air around him shattered with a deafening roll of thunder, and all he was filled with was the overwhelming taint of darkness as it opened up before him, crawling up like vines around his wrist, arm, chest, face, and tugged him in as he screamed. It consumed him whole, entering every single crack in his body, smothering him actively, creeping into his very nerves into his brain and heart and it twisted. He felt like every inch of him was being torn apart, bursting into beads of blood and skin and— who was he anyway?—where was he?—why was this happening to him—_

_And with a gasp, something solid came under his feet. He steadied himself, and as the darkness cleared, he surveyed his surroundings. Stone walls, hewn by hand and rough floors. It was dark. It was a room that had no need for light: a single bed rest in the center of the room, the edges blurring away, unnecessary surroundings simply disappearing into the hungry darkness. He took a step forward, then another, the one furnishing growing sharper as the other details faded. _

_There was a boy on the bed, or rather, a rather emaciated young __**man**__ with messy blonde hair—he couldn't think of him as older, though he was, physically, but he was lost and frail so obviously—and as the boy turned, huge blue eyes, and oh—god—it was like a mirror. He nearly cried out in the physical pain it caused him to see this boy, a grown up version of _him_, how they would be had things had not changed that night, how things would be if they were older, if they weren't—"Fai—!"_

_The other him looked at him blankly for a long time, and all he could do was weakly cry his name, body trembling. _Oh, please, recognize me—I can't—let me come to you—

"_Fai…?" The boy whispered, "Yes." He paused, then stronger: "Yes. That's my name. Fai." _

"_You're not…__**him**__, though?" He knew it from the very second this Fai opened his mouth. His Fai was dead, buried, long mourned and moulded. God, where was this, who was this, and why—this was too cruel to be a dream. So why—?_

"_I don't think so," the new Fai replied after a long moment, the words heavy, unused from his lips; "But you're not him, either. If you were, we'd be on the floor by now." _

_He cringed, feeling bile rise in his throat. Maybe it was the way that the darkness had swallowed him whole and invaded every sense of him, or maybe it was this Fai's face, everything identical down to the way they frowned and murmured and breathed, that made Ashura's hands feel closer, the violation more real and imminent. "Can… we __**not**__ talk about the floor?" _

_Fai paused for thought, his silence slow like his words, obviously unused to personal choice and requests. "What would you rather us talk about?" _

"_Who… who are you?" he demanded gently, needing to know, wanting to know who shared his face and desperation. _

_Fai looked at him, face blank; "If there's anything other than the name you already seem to know, I don't know about it. That's all that's left. I stay in this room always…and I sleep with my uncle and my son whenever they come to me." _

_He nearly lost it then, barely suppressing his gag reflex but not the shudder that ran through him at the very words. Son? Son of whose body? Surely not—__**please**__— "Your son?" he sighed, voice rough._

"_He says that's who he is. I'm not sure. He looks just like me, though." _

_He nodded, looking away with a soft sigh. He himself was not sure; why Ashura chose to sleep with him, he who was of his own flesh and blood. There was the certainty, though, of it being wrong, the eyes just like his own looming over him as he trembled and screamed out in pain and terror. "I know what that's like," he whispered. _

"_Are you trapped in a room somewhere?" _

_He closed his eyes, and thought back. What did he remember? A concrete room, with one window, locked and screened against them so they could see the feet between the hydrangeas but no one could see them. The overwhelming darkness and scent of blood and abuse and the feel of his Fai's cold skin against him as they huddled for comfort and protection… the way the carpet squelched beneath his feet, soaked with blood and alcohol and gasoline and then the flames. It had been years ago, but he never left that room. It came back to him when he slept, when he closed his eyes. He still stood in the entrance, staring and unable to move, his time paused there. _

_Was he still standing there, even now? Was all of this, this brief happiness, this crushing darkness, the dream of a child locked in terror in his final moments? "Yes…" he said haltingly, the words tearing at his soul. He took a halting step towards Fai and the bed, "Yes. I think… I think I am," he finally said, sitting heavily on the sheets next to his double. _

"_Who shares your body?" Fai asked like it was nothing, like it didn't strike his double down to his core. _

_He shook, barely unable to form the words even within his thoughts. But this room, dark and stone, and bed was not the cold room of torture, and so it came, slowly and hesitantly, lacking emotion or hatred, just a tired sickness as he admitted:"My father." It took everything, every single ounce of willpower in his entire body to not lean forward and vomit everything up; maybe this time, it would truly purge him of this sin. _

"_What's your name?" Fai inquired, still looking at him with those hollow, bemused eyes, cutting straight forward through the paths that had grown over in his heart with thorns. _

_He looked at the blonde in something that was probably akin to horror. Fai—he—he was asking __**him **__his name. He hadn't, for all his fears, uttered his true name since the courts called him to witness as a child. As he grew, the only one who used his name was his father, and his officer. No one knew, he never told. A secret he would take to his true grave, and yet he opened his mouth and uttered it softly, almost sounding like the rustling of sheets or the feathers of a bird: "Yuui." _

_Fai frowned, and tipped his head to the side, emotions and confusion running through his eyes. Yuui simply stared, tight lipped in silence; was the same déjà-vu coursing through Fai's veins? Did he, too, have a Yuui? Were they truly lost to each other in every world, every dream that every Yuui had ever had—parted and chained and imprisoned for the mere sin of being born? If that was true, if that was truly their fate across time and dimension, why be born at all? Why bother being alive? To be born together, was to be two with the same soul, so why make them suffer being alone? _

"_That's a nice name," Fai finally said._

"_No," Yuui snapped, "It's horrible. It's disgusting." He pulled himself into a ball, rocking as he tried to curl into the pain. "It's not. It's not." _

_Fai finally moved, leaning forward, his body shifting to face Yuui's. He reached out and took the other blonde's chin between his thin fingers, and all Fai could think of was how cold, how light the touch was. Their eyes met, bright, brilliant blue framed by long lashes—mirrored in every way, perfect, yet imperfect even in the dream—this was a real human, a real soul, trembling there. "If you want, I can make the name nice again for you," Fai whispered, moving even closer. _

_Before Yuui could even ask how, their lips met, in a soft brush, and he yanked back, but was caught in Fai's arms. The boy continued to kiss him, pushing him softly, but sturdily, down against the bed. Yuui felt himself raise his hands to push Fai off of him, but found he couldn't, fingers simply coming to rest against other's arms. _

_He found that, as wrong as this felt, it wasn't entirely as painful as he expected it to be. Fai was careful not to scratch or bite or push or punch; he stuck to kissing Yuui until he found the strength to return his mirror's attention. They were somehow… parallel; the same. Fai might have been __**Fai**__, but their hearts, strangely, their souls, were… the same. So Yuui kissed the other him, shivering as Fai's hands began to slip across his body, searching and caressing as one by one, their clothes were shed. _

_He was dimly aware that Fai was murmuring something—he could hear the words and feel the other boy's mouth move against his neck, but they made no sense. For how cool the other's touch had been against his skin, it was overpoweringly warm to be kissed by him. How long had it been since he'd even remembered what warm meant? How the throbbing beat of another human's heart drove hot blood through their skin to become comforting heat against chilled skin? He moved against the older boy, wondering if they combined their sorrow it would be enough to break free from it all. "Nnh—Fai—"_

_He shivered softly as his pants were pushed down and cool fingers found him. "Ah—h-hey—" He groaned, but felt terror welling within him. No. No. He could physically see and feel Fai there, but it just wasn't registering. All he could see was __**him**_ _touching him, sliding against him; he could taste metallic blood in his mouth, the fear of it tangible even as he could feel himself swelling as Fai touched him, but this was not what Yuui wanted. He did not want to be touched, to be known, to belong to someone else's body. "Fai—Fai—! Please, no, I can't—" he cried, trying to squirm away. "Fai—no, I'm scared—"_

_Fai ignored him, hands working at Yuui as he pleased; he paid no heed to the other blonde's increasingly frantic pleas. _

_Yuui couldn't help but gasp as Fai touched him, his body and his mind splitting from each other. His mind and his terror and shame could not mask or hinder the way his skin and sex ached to be touch, and it was suffocating inside the small room. He couldn't breathe, his cries becoming more and more frantic as the touch began to burn. It hurt. It hurt. Oh, please, no, it hurt. "No—! No! Stop! Please—stop!" he screamed, trying to struggle away from the burning touch; it felt like his skin would burst, and peel away. "I __**don't**__ want this!" he shrieked, but that too, was ignored as the other him toiled, something terrifying boiling in his eyes, the look of sheer insanity and lust mixed—he'd seen it within his own eyes when he'd gazed at _him_ before he went mad, and even before that, in the eyes of his own father. Helpless to anything else, he began to cry. He didn't even try to stifle himself—it caused nothing but more pain in the end; the sobs wracked his entire body, taking him over. This was all he was good for, in any dream, in any world, in any time. He could never amount to more. _

_And then… Fai stopped. He leaned back, frozen, over Yuui's shaking and bruised body. "I… I'm sorry," he whispered, sounding as near to horrified as he could manage. He moved clumsily away, and Yuui rolled away, letting himself tumble to the floor, shaking on his hands and knees. He was suddenly cold and hot and god, he was ashamed, and all the horror caught up with him, and he was throwing up, retching violently as his stomach tried to purge him from the darkness within him, but the guilt couldn't be gotten rid of that easily. So he stayed, coughing and sobbing, shaking and naked on the stone floor, awkwardly aware that Fai was looking at him with something like sorrow and pity and guilt—and—he was so tired. He didn't even want to try anymore. _

_He heaved himself up off of his hands and knees, pulling his pants back on before collapsing back onto the bed next to Fai. "Thank you," he said finally, the weight of what just happened settling into his bones. _

"_For what?" Fai scoffed, sounding just as tired and guilty as Yuui felt. He curled into a small ball, and Yuui reached out, sifting his fingers through the older boy's blonde locks. _

"_For stopping." He sighed tiredly, tracing over Fai's thin face with shaking fingers, "For not doing it." He lifted the elder's face up, staring deep into near empty eyes, "A…Ashura would have done it. He would have taken my body as he pleased and left me, alone and bleeding. So… why did you stop?" He wanted the answer, wanted to know. Why would Fai stop, but not Ashura? _

_Fai shook his head and looked past Yuui, into the interior of the room that only he could truly see, his eyes finding something that Yuui could not see but could comprehend once the blonde spoke. "I made those sounds once. And no one listened when I cried 'stop'… So I… can you really just say no?" _

"_Once… I would have told you no, that you can't," Yuui whispered. He closed his eyes, feeling exhaustion tug at his very being. His time here, wherever here was, was growing short. The darkness that had sucked him in wanted him gone, to obliterate his entire core and take him away from his other self. He shouldn't really be here—was he even __**truly**__ here anyway? "But now… You can. You can say no." Yuui softly patted Fai's cheek and gave him a tired smile. He paused for a long time, then shook his head, "If they truly care about you, you can say no. Kurogane let me say no." _

_Yuui frowned, knowing instantly that there was a Kurogane for Fai as well, and that they too, were just as far apart as he was from his by the sudden heartbreaking flow of emotions that shattered Fai's face. He knew what it was like to forget everything, so he wasn't entirely surprised when Fai whispered; "Who's… Kurogane…?" _

"_Kurogane? He's, well… he's my—he __**was**__ my boyfriend," Yuui whispered, the words sticking in his throat. "I, well... I was __**horrible**__ to him, really—but it… it was the only way to save him. Kurogane loved me so much, but it was too dangerous for him to be with me, you see. He was so determined to die for me, but I—I couldn't allow that, ever. But he loved me so much, so I know, he would do it, because he—he was so gentle," he murmured, smiling to himself, tears of sorrow washing away the old ones of terror; "He wanted to have sex with me so badly, to make love, and I was so afraid. I told him no, and he waited. He—he—"_

_Yuui could feel his voice breaking, just as his heart was, a sorrow and torment that was mirrored on Fai's face; "He loved me so much—" he finally sobbed in completion. _

_No one could ever love him like Kurogane did, and no one could inspire life within him as Kurogane did. And he treated the man like shit: Kurogane inspired him to keep breathing even when he wanted to lie down and never wake, Kurogane kept him alive when the pills couldn't. He held him tightly, and promised to die for him. He saw his scars and his tears and took them within him, each time becoming gentler in his approach, melting Yuui's frozen heart and time. And yet, he'd been so greedy; nothing Kurogane could do would ever be enough. He wanted more, more, and above all, a life with Kurogane—something the elder could never give him. _

_But for all the sorrow that could come, Yuui wanted, above all, the happiness they had. It was brief, made even more so by his selfish wish for Kurogane to live and be safe. _

_Yuui reached out and wound his arms around Fai, who clutched just as tightly, and they sobbed, each for a different man they had lost, but Yuui knew that just as he and Fai were the same… So were their Kuroganes. Stubborn and strong and resolute, and they were without him. And they were incomplete, breathing as if they only had one lung, their heart beating without its counterpart, blood sluggish without him. Yuui could hear himself call out for his once-lover, just as Fai was mewling and sobbing in his arms for his, but for all their bitter and guilty tears and pleading cries, Kurogane could not breach into their dream, in this dark room with the bed and stone walls. _

_Kurogane would not be able to withstand the crushing darkness that transported them here. Not yet. Not yet. Yuui was certain that his Kurogane was still too pure, too kind, to be as lost as he was when he found this dream. He wasn't sure about Fai's, but… maybe soon, for him. He hoped soon; the older blonde's sobs sounded like they would break his fragile body in half. _

"_I have a Kurogane too," Fai finally confessed, once neither of them could cry anymore. Yuui had no sense of how long it had been—days or years or seconds since he'd broken down and sobbed for his Kurogane, but it had taken all of his remaining strength. It was only his tight grasp on Fai that kept him anchored here, but Yuui had the feeling that he must, no matter what, hear what Fai had to tell him. "But I'd been trapped here so long… I'd forgotten. I don't… I don't know if he even still remembers me… or wants me." _

_At this, Yuui snorted, shaking his head. He leaned back from their embrace, giving a wry grin. "Oh. He wants you, no doubt. Kuro-tan… he's like an elephant," he laughed, "Even if you want him to forget about you, he won't. If you have a Kurogane, he'll come for you. No… no matter what it takes," he whispered, feeling the tears overwhelm him again, "He'll come for you. Even if he—if it means that he—"_

_Fai hugged Yuui tightly, their cheeks pressed tightly together in what was almost a lover's embrace. "What's wrong?" he murmured, "Why can't you be with your Kurogane?" _

"_I can't, I can't allow him—" Fai cried, clutching as tight as he could, "If he were to die because of me, I can't— my Kuro-sama __**must **__live!" he nearly shouted, shaking violently. If he was the reason for yet another life to end, especially someone as kind and gentle as Kurogane could be, especially someone he loved… he… he just couldn't. _

_How could he live without Kurogane in the world? Even if they couldn't be together, the knowledge that they were at least both breathing somewhere, that they could both live their lives, and maybe once they were long gone and decayed, their carbon could become something else living together… that could be enough for him. Couldn't it?_

_Fai shook his head against Yuui's, petting the boy's hair softly. "No. He won't die because of you," he said softly. He paused, body briefly tensing before he continued, his voice stronger that it had been the entire time of the dream; "__He'll __**live**__ because of you. It's because of you that he lives at all." _

"_He'd be so much better off without me," Yuui whispered, "I want to think that… but he's better off… without me." _

"_He wouldn't be." Fai sat back, voice and face stern, hands on Yuui's shoulder. "It's… this is a dream. I don't know if you'll even carry this back with you—I don' even know if I'll ever escape from this nightmare myself—but you __**must**__ know that he lives for you. He lives __**because **__of you. Because you were born, so was he. Because he was born, so were you. " _

_Yuui laughed bitterly, shaking his head. "I'll… I'll try, but… why? Why give me this advice if you don't even believe it yourself?" _

"_The same reason you told me that Kurogane would come for me, always. You weren't sure of it, but it's something we have to believe in, if we're to continue to live. So remember." _

"_I will," Yuui whispered, "I'll try…" But the darkness was already reaching back out, the swirling vortex of it forming into a greedy and angry hand, snatching Yuui away from Fai. It covered him, violated him, smothered him, and in the brief instant before it blinded him in its fury from breaking Fai's isolation, he could see his mirror stand to his feet, suddenly looking his age, back straight and strong and face proud as he faced his own punishment from the smoldering shadows. And behind the sudden dark, he could see, as he was ripped from time and dimension, an older Fai and an older Kurogane, smiling happily together, their hands bound with red thread and kissing, then them, ever aging, holding their children's hands, kissing, crying, meeting, and finally, facing death together, strong and resolute, their lives bound so tightly that the very universe coiled between them, their cells and souls merged in that brief second of final light before they were gone from each other. _

_And that… gave him strength. _

Yuui awoke in the dark, wind howling outside of his window as it worked to snuff out the stars. Blinded by a sudden burst of lightening, he could still see Fai, the image of him burned into his being. And he remembered. Even if it was his own heart creating that illusion, he would remember the feel of it, always.

If he could be the reason that Kurogane was born at all… The thought of it made him weep with joy. He could be complete just knowing that they were born just to meet and become one.

Yuui sniffed softly, "I'll live, Fai. I'll live for him. I hope you live too," he whispered.

For a moment, he could almost hear the multitude of lives he lived at once in the wind, whispering back:

'_I did, so now you too.'_

* * *

**A/N**: _One sixty-four page chapter makes two 32 page chapters. So I split it, thinking why the hell not, it's just sitting there for now. I guess the second part'll come when I'm significantly pleased or whatever with whatever. Oh, and thanks to Anath who let me use this scene and for wanting to use this universe's Fai in the first place at all__. There's significant editing to lesson 17; lesson 18 is gone. I'm considering rewriting a bit of the earlier story. Consider the end link a preview to the next chapter; it's subject to change. But it's at least there so you do realize that I do do some work and preplanning and... well. Whatever. (Edit; fixed a few things, oops. Didn't realize some changes didn't stick earlier).  
_

"The Last Time He Saw Dorie"- Copeland  
"Bleed Like Me"- Trapt  
"Alone in This Bed"- Framing Hanley  
"Just Be Friends"- Koman vers.

http:/ drop box .com/ u/41456446/ Behind%20the%20Mask .zip


	34. Lesson Nineteen: Behind the Mask

**Gothix, Lesson Nineteen: **_Behind the Mask  
_

_Go and repaint this destiny;  
Even if I'm covered with wounds, I'll try for pride;  
Ah, ah, ah, alone in my world:  
Even so, I sing the song of love and  
Let its wish reach through this distorted world  
To build our bonds and the tomorrow to come._

"_You __**must**__ live."_

"_What does it mean to live?"_

"_You must."_

"_Why do you keep saying that?"_

"…_would __**I**__ live without __**you**__?"_

**XxXxXxX**

Fai stared out at Shuichiro, watching the man with hatred boiling in his eyes.

"You have to want to be better to be helped," the man finished dryly. "Without wanting, there's no possible way you can be happy."

"Bull. Shit," the blonde seethed. "I _want_ to feel better, I _want_ to be normal. I want, I _want_, I **want**—I want so hard I cry, wanting never gets you anywhere but deep in longing, alone and crying until you're dry and empty!"

"All things take effort," the doctor parried. "And you aren't trying."

Fai shot up to his feet, trembling in rage. And suddenly the words came spilling out, bubbling forth from the pressure of it all; "How dare you! You are not me! You don't know what it's like, to reach for hands that are not there! You don't know what it's like to be me! You don't know! You don't care! You sit there, telling me to _try_ when I've put every cell of my entire being, every ounce of my very soul into trying this time, and still have failed! There is something—there's something _wrong _with me!" he cried, voice breaking. "I'm not right—I'm not whole—I'm not perfect, there's something inherently wrong with the way I work—"

It was heavy, it was weighing him down. He never admitted that it was this deep, that on the very base level of his being… that there might be something wrong with him and how he functioned. That even if he had led a relatively calm and normal life, there would still be something broken within him. He felt so empty. He tried so hard, and it just wasn't enough. He needed help, he needed someone, he needed… He needed someone to acknowledge that this wasn't something he could endeavor to fix on his own.

"I can't keep up relationships, I can't trust anyone, I can't cope with myself, or with my moods— I'll wake up feeling fine, almost happy—and just one word, one person looking at me wrong, I'll want to curl up and die—that's all it takes, and the next thing I know I'm bleeding! I can't talk any more, I'm too afraid of what will come out—will it be words, or will it be tears? Will they see, even if I say one word, how _wrong_ I am inside? Will they know, just from my words, what my father did to me! How long I was tortured? Every touch—every— Everyone pities me anyway, because they know, because we were stupid—they know and the way they look at me—I—it scares me—and I— I'm so afraid—I can't—I can't remember things, I'm so preoccupied with hauling myself up in the morning and moving around; I have to remember just to breathe! I can't remember what it was like to have a normal heartbeat, to draw a breath without wanting to cry, without looking at food and not being hungry—I can't do this anymore! I need someone to help me! I'm still trapped there, in that room I was locked in—! That was almost ten years ago now! And I'm still there! When I blink, when I sleep, when I turn around in the dark, I'm there! Always, I'm stuck there, standing in the doorway and I can't turn away. I tried to forget, I tried to move on, I tried, I tried, I tried, but I felt so guilty, so dirty—I can't, I can't, because it's all my fault, but I don't know if it even is! Don't you get it! Don't you even want to try yourself? _Why won't you even listen to me!_"

"Humans are the ones to take my happiness away!" Fai continued, tears pouring down his face, ready to hit, punch, bite, beg, scream—anything—to get someone to _listen _for once, and help him. He needed more than this, this passive way of just pointing out what was wrong. He needed someone to trust, someone's hand to grab. More than this. "I've tried everything, so they must be the way to get it back! _**I can't do this on my own, so why can't you fucking realize that**_!" he screamed, voice tearing at his throat until he collapsed back down, coughing into his hand, tears coming in rocking waves that left him weak and cold.

He wasn't right; he was broken. He doubted he'd even entered this world whole. He was born with part of himself missing, and the only time he'd ever found it was in Kurogane's arms. "Fuck, I need him—. I want to _live_."

Shuichiro was silent, then put his pen down. "That's a start," he said softly, smiling for the first time since Fai had met him.

**XxXxXxX**

**I wish I could have learned to live before I fell so far into the dark…**

**XxXxXxX**

He grit his teeth, and with a valiant effort, managed to not slam his locker door shut.

"Kurogane-kun, are you going to the dance?" a girl tittered, sending several other girls giggling uncontrollably as they blushed and ducked and looked expectantly.

"No, leave me alone," the athlete growled, looking over his shoulder. In the background, Sakura and Watanuki were having the time of their lives, roaring in laughter. Kurogane growled again, knowing he'd have to deal with this on his own.

"You have to!" The girls protested in unison, and Kurogane felt a vein begin to throb in his temple.

"No, I don't," he said shortly. His eyes caught and tracked the blonde halo of hair moving slowly down the hall. People these days gave Fai a near reverent distance, half afraid that his heartache would be contagious, the other half still in awe over the blonde's abilities. While Fai didn't exactly hide his musical abilities, Gothix was still an underground band that very few people in the school actually knew about. Maybe it was because of the makeup and persona the band wore when performing, or maybe because there weren't too many hardcore music fans in the school. Whatever the case, the oblivious blonde had gathered a crowd of adorers just as big as Kurogane seemed to have. Kurogane frowned, watching as Fai came closer.

He hissed under his breath and stepped forward as he suddenly registered the blonde tripping. He caught Fai smoothly, lifting the boy back to his feet. "Oi, you should be careful," he grumbled softly, heart aching as blue eyes flickered in and out of recognition and pain.

Fai's wan cheeks suddenly flushed dark red, eyes darting down to where Kurogane's hands were on his shoulder. "Ah—" He paused, voice stuck in his throat.

Kurogane gently squeezed, overcome with a surge of pity and guilt. Watanuki said after leaving Yuuko's office, Fai hadn't really spoken anymore. Kurogane assumed that Fai had said all he needed and wanted to say for the moment.

"You'll try to pay more attention, yeah?" Kurogane asked, prompting the blonde for an answer.

Fai scowled, "You're not my mother," he said helplessly, gently worming away. "Thank you for catching me—but—but—I'll be fine—! I'll be fine on my own now!" The elder sighed and watched Fai scurry away, but with a jolt of self-satisfaction, noticed that the blonde was actually looking where he was going now.

"Is that why you're not going to go?" One girl asked, stepping up to latch herself on Kurogane's arm. "Didn't he just… you know, dump you in front of the entire school?"

"Oi, who said you could get all touchy feely?" Kurogane snarled, shrugging off the girl, who stomped an irritated foot.

"You should get over him! Go out with someone who won't change their mind so easily! He's only leading you on!"

Kurogane clenched his fists, shoulders shaking. "I suggest you leave before I'm forced to hit my first girl," he growled.

The crowd scattered suddenly. Kurogane sighed and rubbed his temples. Some things just didn't make sense.

**XxXxXxX**

"So," Sakura droned, crunching down on a chip. "They _finally _decided on a theme for the dance!"

Shaoran clicked his tongue, idly flipping the page of his magazine, leaning back in his chair. "'Bout time, I mean, it's what, in a week," he said lazily. "What is it?"

"Masquerade," Watanuki replied, smacking Doumeki's hand away from the bento. "You'd think the student council would be more… _efficient_, but they're so extravagant that they always have a run in with the school treasury…That and their fondness for girls and—what do they call it, detective work? Yeah, that's it… Well. In any case, here we are."

"And thus, a last minute theme decision," Sakura said with a nod.

Fai watched in curiosity, the absolute normalcy of the conversation snapping him out of the absent-minded half-daydream he'd been in since Kurogane had caught him that morning. It always amazed him at how his friends were able to move on and recover from anything. His heart still wasn't right from that morning. "So… um… where will we get the costumes?" he asked softly, startling Shaoran. He remembered his doctor's words; he had to try a little. He had to.

Watanuki smiled softly in approval of Fai's soft voice breaking into their conversation for the first time in over a week. "Yuuko-san says that she already has some outfits ready for us," he said, nodding. "We'll put them on Friday night before the dance."

"Have you figured out what you want to sing, blondie?" Shaoran inquired, putting down his magazine, staring over at Fai. Fai fidgeted, shaking his head. "Better decide quick, so we can practice. We've been waiting on you."

Fai smiled tentatively. It seemed that maybe… things could get better. He'd spoken to Kurogane without yelling or crying; it was possible for him to move on and minimize the hurt, for both of their sakes. It was hard, but maybe admitting that it had been hard had been half the battle.

Maybe… maybe he could get better. There were people waiting for him to live again.

**XxXxXxX**

He didn't know if he was crazy or not, but there he was, in Shuichiro's office, strumming his guitar like he was up on stage, singing. In therapy. He was singing. What. The. Heck.

"_My hands are cold, my body's numb,  
I'm still in shock, what have you done?  
My head is pounding, my visions blurred—  
Your mouth is moving, I don't hear a word.  
And I hurt so bad, that I search my skin,  
For the entry point, where love went in,  
And ricocheted and bounced around,  
And left a hole, when you walked out—"_

Shuichiro wasn't looking at him, but instead staring out of the window, his fingers laced under his chin. It had been his idea, yes, but Fai couldn't figure out why. Was he even paying attention? Fai pushed aside the muddled thoughts, and turned to his 'assignment'. He'd been told to do what came naturally to him, to turn from his journal and externalize his feelings and words into something he could share with others. Music.

"_Marks of battle, they still feel raw:  
A million pieces of me, on the floor—  
I'm damaged goods, for all to see,  
Now who would ever wanna be with me?  
I've got all the baggage, drink the pills.  
Yeah this is living but without the will!  
I'm backing out, I'm shutting down—  
You left a hole, when you walked out yeah…" _

He paused, fingers silencing the notes. "…Ah, so… yeah. That's all I have, really."

"It's good," Shuichiro promised him, turning his attention to Fai, "You're more willing to admit things than you were. It's a good step forward."

"I let it all pour out last week," Fai laughed, running his fingers through his hair. "I feel so much better. I can't believe I'm getting better so fast."

"You're not," the doctor said, shaking his head, "You're making progress, but you're not getting better. Fai, you're just in a manic upswing. I hate to be so blunt, but you must not, under any circumstance, think you're getting better. It's fine to think you've made progress, but you are not, in any case, 'better'."

Fai felt his face grow hot and he gave a shake of anger, "But I did what you told me to, I tried, I talked to my friends again, I take my meds, I hid my knives, I drew on myself when I wanted to bleed, I did everything, and I'm getting _better_—! I did everything you told me to!"

"You are making progress," Shuichiro said, "You're working towards a new normal. Your normal will never be like anyone else's—although, no two normals are the same anyway—but you are not getting 'better', not this fast. Fai, it may take months for you to even out enough to say you're better, but you may always be struggling, you may always be working. Getting better is slow, and it objective. It's only been a week. I'm sorry, but this is part of what you're working to defeat. Learn to breathe, learn to evaluate. Count your scars, and think, I'm making progress, not 'I'm getting better'. Better can destroy you, it can fool you. Better takes itself and makes you feel worse when you hit another downswing. Better can make you throw away everything you work towards. Don't tempt yourself into what you did this summer, when you stopped taking your meds. You are not 'better', but you have stepped forward."

Fai dropped his head into his hands, feeling the euphoria begin to fade as he processed the psychologist's words. He was right, he had to be… "Then why bother, if I'll always be struggling?"

"You wanted to live, Fai. Life is a journey of steps forward and back; life is a struggle. Yours is just a bit different than mine, that's all. So work hard, and _live_."

**XxXxXxX**

**I wish I could have been born into a world where you didn't have to become strong on your own…**

**XxXxXxX**

Time had the habit of passing quickly for Fai, even though the world was becoming a little sharper since he began to try. Before he knew it, it was Friday, and he was being pushed down the hallway in Yuuko's store. The woman was almost suspiciously cheerful about the whole thing, separating each teenager into a different room to try their costumes on.

"Um…" Fai looked in the mirror, holding his mask in his hands as he bit his lip. This was almost too much. He was going to die of embarrassment, if not a heat stroke. He looked like he'd come from some other world, somewhere where it always snowed or something. All that white fur. God. It was almost too much. He touched the kohl around his eyes, where Yuuko had darkened his lids so his eyes would pop behind the mask. The fabric of his gloves was smooth against his cheek. Maybe in Celes, this would be a good costume, something warm to blend into the snowy banks. But the jacket dropped over his hands, and pooled around the floor, the light blue trim designs spreading up like vines, like it was made to train behind him, like some sort of regal peacock. The belts of his shirt were snug and heavy, binding him together, again with some ridiculous coat-tails, a bizarre combination of magician and butler and orient. "I… I'm not so sure about this."

"These clothes been waiting for you, Fai," Yuuko laughed gently, ruffling the blonde's hair. "For a very long time. Let it find its home once more." She patted him on the cheek, before breezing out to check on the others, leaving Fai alone to ponder her odd words. Yuuko certainly did have some old things, and the coat felt worn and loved. It carried the scent of pine and vanilla, and the soft dust of something unworn for a while. He smiled, and closed his eyes, mind filled with images of magic and ice and some long carried sorrow being melted. Was the owner of the coat strong? Were they happy now, the ones from his dreams? They had to be, right? Was he the only _him_ struggling in this part of time? "But I wanted to _live_," he whispered, "I said I promised."

He opened them again, staring in the mirror. Someone a little more confident than he looked back at him, cheeks pink and lips spread in a soft smile. He could almost see the snow behind him, swirling about the train of the coat, and the thought gave him the strength to tie on the feathered mask, watching his other self depart out of the corner of his eye, smile growing a little warmer as he and him stepped out of the mirror's view.

He made his way down the hall, meeting up with Watanuki and Shaoran, who were both looking extravagant in their own costumes. Shaoran looked a bit fidgety in his Chinese-styled costume, while Watanuki lounged against the wall like he wore ornamental robes every day, kitsune mask resting over his hair.

"Contacts?" Fai asked, tipping his head, a bit bewildered at Watanuki's loss of spectacles.

"They're a pain," Watanuki muttered with a shrug, silk rustling; "So I don't wear them often. Yuuko-san went over the top."

"She did," Shaoran muttered, crossing his arms over his green tunic. "Geez, what's taking Sakura so long?"

"Make-up, maybe?" Fai wondered.

Watanuki laughed, "I think I know why," he answered, pointing at the door that just flew open. Sakura stomped out, arms crossed tightly against her chest, her face a brilliant red.

"Oh. That explains so much," Fai said once, then burst into uncontrollable laughter, "So much pink! Sakura-chan—there's so much _pink_!"

"Fai!" Sakura shrieked, brandishing her finger at the blonde, "You hush right this instant or I'll—I'll—"

"With kitty ears!" Fai continued to howl, sliding down the wall as he laughed, "Oh my god—Sakura-chan—In lolita with kitty ears—!" He hadn't laughed in ages. He bought his hand to his mouth, trying to muffle himself, but couldn't stop himself. It was just so funny; cute Sakura, who always wore black, was in a pink and white lace and tulle lolita number, complete with white ruffled socks and matching pink Mary Jane pumps and puffy sleeves. Her mask was simple and white as well, and atop her head was a ruffled headband adorned with cat ears. Like a shoujo manga had barfed on her. It was hilarious.

"It's kind of cute," Shaoran muttered, looking away as Watanuki snorted, cheeks pink.

Sakura squealed again, flinging the stuffed winged bear-thing that had resided in her pocket at her friends, "_**Boys**_!"

**XxXxXxX**

"You're late."

Kurogane snarled, "They were right there, it's not like I could waltz on in, you know—!"

Watanuki shrugged, standing slowly from the back bench, silk cascading down as he straightened. "That's why I said the _back _of the store, specifically. Any longer, and they'll get impatient. Here, hold this, Doumeki," he mumbled, handing the silent boy his mask and phone.

"Whatever," the Kurogane sulked, eyeing Watanuki with an almost skeptical look. Like always, Yuuko had gone all out, though the elegant silk robes that Doumeki was wearing were much more subtle than the almost provocative and heavy-looking ones on the smaller teen. If he was wearing anything like what those two were in, he hoped his costume was like Doumeki's. "I'm not sure this plan will work out…"

"The point of a masquerade, Kurogane-san, is that no one knows who you are," Watanuki replied smoothly, ushering the athlete into the back of the store once he'd made sure that Fai and company were long gone. Sakura was in on the plan, and was doing her best to keep Fai out of the way—Watanuki wasn't sure how long it would actually work; there were so many fuzzy details that they'd not bothered, or hadn't had the time, to fix. "Take advantage of that, meet him again, start it over. Everyone deserves a second chance."

"I'm pretty sure we're past second chances here," Kurogane muttered, following Watanuki down the hall where Yuuko was waiting.

His transformation awaited, the problem was… would Fai believe it? He'd changed so much inside, but could the blonde see that from the exterior? Would it…would it even be enough?

Would it ever be enough? Could he manage to convey to the blonde, finally, that… even though he wanted to be strong enough to protect Fai, he would never be strong enough to live without him?

_Please. Please be enough this time—!_

**XxXxXxX**

Somehow, performing in costume was different than just straight up performing. Even though they were heavily made up when they performed at the Tavern, this was different. Adrenaline buzzed through Fai's veins, tingling the tips of his fingers. He never knew so many people attended school functions. And they were all looking at him. It excited him and scared him half to death at the same time.

"_I'm not, I'm not myself—  
Feel like I'm someone else;  
Fallen and faceless,  
So hollow, hollow inside!  
A part of me is dead,  
Need you to live again;  
Can you replace this?  
I'm hollow, hollow and faceless!_

_Shadows growing in my mind,  
Ones I just can't leave behind;  
I'm not strong enough to pay this ransom!  
One more monster crawled inside,  
But I swear I saw it die:  
Can you save me from the nothing I've become?"_

People swayed along, eyes glittering behind masks. The room was darkened, the only lights being the ones on the stage, obscuring details. God, they were all so fake out there, faces behind masks, it intrigued and disgusted him.

"_I abandoned this love and laid it to rest  
And now I'm one of the forgotten!  
I'm not, I'm not myself;  
Feel like I'm someone else,  
Fallen and faceless—  
So hollow, hollow inside  
A part of me is dead,  
Need you to live again!  
Can you replace this?  
I'm hollow, hollow and faceless!_

_I'm faceless;  
I'm hollow and faceless!" _

Well, it wasn't like he was entirely real either, dressed up and made up, singing behind the microphone like he wasn't wishing there was someone in the crowd waiting just for him. Oh… well…

"_We are the faceless—!  
We are the nameless—!  
We are the hopeless—!"_

**XxXxXxX**

**Where apologies came easy and where forgiveness was given without restraint…**

**XxXxXxX**

He was so sorry. He couldn't even put it into words. Every time he thought about Fai, every time he saw Fai, it multiplied. It was crushing him. He couldn't do it, he couldn't just be Fai's friend. It was driving him mad with guilt.

He watched as Fai glided through the crowds, stopping sporadically as girls begged for a dance or even more. So he began to move, trapping the blonde behind him, cutting the newest girl off of the fragile musician.

"May I cut in?" he inquired, sliding an icy stare to the girl who would dare contend his… old status with the masked Fai. The girl squeaked, turning red underneath her mask; she scurried away without another sound, and he turned to Fai, who was unreadable underneath the feather-and-jewel encrusted mask. "Would you like to dance with me?"

Fai paused—he fancied for a second that he… recognized that voice. He couldn't be sure, though, through the DJ's pumping dance mix, and in the dark, the newest suitor's appearance was indistinguishable. But, if anything, he knew he was safe: Kurogane would _never _attend as social function such as this. He wouldn't either, the old him… But he was different, and Kurogane was the same, so it was… mildly safe. "U-uhm… sure," he agreed quietly. It was a wonder that he was heard.

But Kurogane always had ears for Fai, and he would never dare to even lose that soft voice even for a second. Not even here, not even now. He placed his hand on the small of Fai's back, guiding him smoothly onto the dance floor, spinning him gracefully. "It's my pleasure," he said cordially. He slid his fingers into the slender, gloved ones of his partner, squeezing lovingly. A start of sudden recognition sparked in Fai's jewel-bright eyes, and he tried to back away. "Fai, wait—"

Fai shook his head, tugging rather weakly, half-entranced by the sudden sound of Kurogane's voice. The elder held fast: "No. You're not getting away from me now, not after I've finally caught back up to you." Fai seemed to wilt against the athlete, and they began to sway to a beat of a music not playing. Kurogane led the blonde in a slow waltz, staring down into the younger's wide eyes. "Fai," he begged. "Listen to me and believe me."

Fai shivered, and against his will—against his better judgment— he leaned forward, and was swept away. Kurogane's hand was firm against his back, warm through the layers of his costume, the rest of his body feeling chilled because of it. Everything was fuzzy. Dazed, he reached out, looping his arms around the elder's neck, fluidly following the junior's lead in their dance.

Ignoring the awkwardness of their masks, Kurogane pressed his cheek against Fai's, inhaling the much missed vanilla-amber smell of the blonde's hair and skin.

Even though they had both sworn, over and over in the vehemence characterizing youth, that they were over the other; it was now painfully obvious that they knew that they had _lied_. Everything that had led to this point proved these oaths to be sworn with crossed fingers and wavering hearts.

They leaned closer, lips almost touching when Fai yanked away. A slow line of damp, dark kohl slid down pale cheeks, as he shook his head. "Not you too, please, not you too," he whimpered.

Kurogane held firm, rubbing small circles against the blonde's back. He knew what Fai meant, and he would never, **never**, let that fear become true: He would never use the blonde just to satiate lust, or fulfill some other unnamed desire, never in a million years. Not like his father had. Not like the others had. No. Never. "No, no," he murmured into the blonde's ear, tugging him gently closer; "_Listen to me_: whatever I did, however I hurt you—I'm… I'm sorry. Don't leave, because I'm sorry. I said believe me, and I meant it. That's the only thing I hope for, is for you to believe me again. Whoever else who has lied to you, well, that was stupid. I won't lie to you, not anymore, okay?"

Fai quivered, closing his eyes tightly. Kurogane's words were so kind and full of warmth that he believed them without a doubt. He knew his ex-lover—Kurogane didn't just say those sorts of things on a whim. He believed him. He knew he shouldn't, but—_oh god—_he did.

Even though the svelte teen was silent, Kurogane knew by the flush of the boy's cheeks, the way that every single hair on the blonde's head seemed to tremble, the soft exhale against his neck, he knew that Fai heard him, did not question him, and above all, believed him unconditionally. He slid his arms around Fai's waist, pulling the boy flush against his body, turning them still in their singular waltz. He leaned forward, pressing his lips to Fai's jaw, producing music for them both, a soft tune only for the boy in his arms, the small broken wretch that seemed to float away on a sea of his own tears. He hoped that this silent tune would be an anchor, their private dance, their private song—he hoped that it would be something that would bring Fai back to him indefinitely.

Fai moved with Kurogane, every nerve on his body alight, head diffusing into the fuzzy warmth of being held. His face was hot, and his hands were cold, and he was having problems breathing with Kurogane's breath so close to his skin.

They were the only couple slow-dancing, and as such, people slowly began to notice. Under the crowd's scrupulous gaze, Fai wilted, losing what life he had gained, and Kurogane gently led Fai away. Their music followed.

"Wh…where you taking me?" Fai murmured, voice almost swallowed by the chatter of cacophonous voices and dance beats, but Kurogane heard. The elder could hear even what Fai did not, _could_ not, voice.

"Dinner. You're so pale," Kurogane replied, brushing a hand across a wan cheek. "Have you been taking care of yourself? You look like you've lost so much weight—"

Fai closed his eyes, allowing Kurogane's worry wash over him. It felt so different, it sounded so much more genuine from the elder's lips rather than anyone else's. "I—it's… the medication," he confessed, finally letting that barrier break. Yes, he was ill. He had a problem. Kurogane knew; Kurogane knew for a long time, but they never spoke of it. Never acknowledged its depth, its weight between them, or how much it pulled them down and away from each other. Fai looked at Kurogane, lips trembling. He took the first step out of that concrete room: "I'm—I have—it's a form of bipolar disorder, you know and… I—I'm—_trying_." Maybe… that was the first step outside… back to where… he wanted to be. It was a start. It was a start; the first trembling, weak step in a long uphill marathon. It would be a long time before he could run, or before the path could even. But… it was a step, one more, towards the goal.

Kurogane paused, before squeezing Fai's slender fingers. "Oh." _Good for you_, he wanted to say; _good for you, Fai. It must be painful, doing it alone, isn't it? You're so much stronger than I believed you are. Good for you. _He remembered how sick his medicine used to make him. And his voice was so quiet, so uneven, the words heavy and unused in Fai's mouth, pain raw in the admittance of his disorder. "Do… do you think you can eat?"

"If… if it's with you," Fai blurted out. He didn't feel so sick around Kurogane. Everything sort of came into focus again. He didn't feel like he was wading through a sea of darkness. There… was sunshine again. It had been warm in Kurogane's arms, so mind numbingly warm...

Kurogane hovered, admiring the sudden surge of strength in Fai's eyes. He so wanted to kiss the boy, but—it was a decision for Fai to make. And Fai did make it.

He stood on his toes, and so gently that it was almost imperceptible, Fai pressed his lips to Kurogane's, fingers curling into the material of the junior's costume. Kurogane dropped Fai's hands from where he'd been holding them, wrapping his arms around the blonde's waist once more, pulling him close.

A pang of nostalgia swept through him with a force to kill. He missed the way Fai fit against him.

"Ah—" And all too soon it was over, and they parted, looking at each other with a soft sadness that told of paths not taken and mistakes that had been made.

Kurogane slowly pulled away, taking Fai's hand back into his own. "C'mon," he said, a gentle sort of gruffness in his voice, "Let's go eat. It's my treat."

"Yes," Fai whispered, following Kurogane quite placidly, tripping over his own feet several times on the way to the elder's car.

"Get in," Kurogane offered, opening the door for the blonde, helping the boy in.

Fai murmured his thanks, tucking his chin against his knees, feet pulled into the seat with him. He looked over as Kurogane settled into the car, the door closing rocking the frame of the old vehicle a little. He almost didn't hear Kurogane's question of where he'd like to eat because he was so entranced with watching his ex. "Anywhere is okay," he replied vaguely, ducking his head, staring out the window through his bangs.

Kurogane gazed at Fai for a moment before starting the car. This boy was so small; he was so frail. He looked like one stray gust of wind could break him into little pieces and carry him away. The athlete reached out, gently pulling away the mask, letting it fall into the blonde's lap. He pushed Fai's bangs away from the boy's face, meeting the boy's sapphire eyes. And he leaned forward, so softly, and took Fai into his arms, their mouths and bodies meshing together slowly over the center consol.

The echoes of the dance followed them away.

_But I've been late to know the light's return is gone;_

_And now, there's been talk about us, right down to knowing you're gone—_

**XxXxXxX**

Fai shifted uncomfortably, fidgeting with his costume. "People are staring…"

Kurogane raised a curious eyebrow, the corners of his lips curling into an almost-smile. He leaned forward, tucking a long strand of hair behind Fai's ear with such tenderness it made the blonde's face heat. "You have no problems performing on-stage, yet you're embarrassed to be seen with me?"

"It's not that," Fai pleaded, voice cracking, "It's—"

"Let 'em stare," the elder said with a hint of finality, wrapping his arm proudly around Fai's waist. The blonde squirmed again, trying to sink into and disappear inside the fluffy collar of his costume.

"Let me go," he begged. "We're not—you shouldn't be doing this!" Fai looked up at Kurogane, lips pursed in a frown, eyes dark with tears. The elder took mercy on the blonde, sliding his arm away.

"There's… no reason to be upset," Kurogane said softly as they moved forward in line. "Or embarrassed. Fai, I'm—"

"We're next," Fai said sharply, cutting the larger teen off. He wasn't embarrassed, or upset. It made him want so acutely that he felt like crying. He wanted Kurogane's hands on him, for their lips to slide together, for their bodies to fit together again. He wanted to be held and loved and coaxed into languid and happy warmth, curl into Kurogane, and tell him everything. But what were they? They'd barely spoken, but the words that were given were deep, profound, trusting and loving… but _what_ were they? There were so many things to be said, so many wounds to be patched up. It was so confusing.

"So we are," Kurogane noted. He turned to the counter, "Water and a coke," he ordered. The serving woman gaped at them a little more, then silently began to make their drinks.

Fai flushed, feeling flattered that Kurogane could still remember his fondness for sodas and sweet drinks. Very shyly, he reached out and brushed his fingers against the back of Kurogane's hand, feeling himself blush at the warmth that leeched through to his bones just at the brief contact. Intoxicated by it, he entwined their hands, holding tightly.

Kurogane looked down at Fai, who ducked his head slightly as he glanced away, and smiled. Reassuringly, he squeezed the blonde's hand in his own; "Fai," he said seriously. "You're too cute."

"_Eh_?" Fai spluttered, the server glaring at them as she set their drinks on a platter. The blonde could feel his face grow warm, the overwhelming heat making him dizzy. He'd forgotten what Kurogane's voice sounded like—it made his heart flutter and skip and his throat swell closed. How could he have ever denied how invariably and utterly _in love _he was with this man? He trembled, stumbling slightly as Kurogane gently nudged him forward.

"Careful," the elder advised, unwinding their hands to place a guiding hand on Fai's waist, pleased when he did not protest, merely blushing more as they moved up to pay for their dinner.

Fai watched as Kurogane handed over the money for their meal and took a few plates for them. "Um," he murmured as they moved on, in search for a seat. There were lots of families, and a sprinkling of Koryo High students, most notably a large group of girls that sat in a corner glowering. "I… Kurogane, why… did you come to the dance tonight?"

"Because I was told you'd be there," Kurogane answered simply. "I needed another chance, and it was the perfect time to take it."

Fai slipped into a small booth at the back of the restaurant, looking up at Kurogane. "…You're very reckless," he said finally, "Or… masochistic. I'm not sure which... What if I hadn't given you a chance to take?"

"Then that's what would have happened," Kurogane said, seating himself opposite of Fai. "But you've given it to me, and so I'm using it… and we should talk."

"Yes," the blonde said slowly, "We should."

Kurogane reached out, gently smoothing his fingers over Fai's cheek. "Then, let's. But first, I'll get you some food," he promised.

"Oh, I can get it myself!" Fai protested, blushing profusely, "It—it's okay—really—"

"You look tired," Kurogane commented, handing the blonde a plate anyway.

"Well, I am, a little… but—it's okay…It really is!"

Kurogane reached up and mussed Fai's hair fondly, "I believe you," he laughed gently. "You know I always have, when you're serious."

"I've lied to you a lot," Fai said, frowning. "So, why would you believe me? I don't—I have problems, you know, with believing _you_."

"Don't think that," Kurogane muttered, turning his plate in his hand awkwardly. "I mean, I… it's an issue, you know? I can tell, sort of, by the way you act, if you're lying, and… it bothers me."

"That you can tell?"

"No, not that—but the fact that you do," the elder murmured, "I want to believe you, always. And I want to be the one you trust."

"Kurogane," Fai said softly, shaking his head, "It's not… always… that easy…"

"I know," Kurogane said simply, giving Fai a sort of heartbroken smile, one that made the blonde want to cry and throw himself into the elder's arms and if that would doom them both, then so be it. Instead, Fai fidgeted, looking away.

"I'm… going… to go get some…something from over there," he whispered haltingly, pointing towards the furthest part of the buffet.

Kurogane sighed, "Okay. Just. Real food, not just ice-cream," he told Fai sternly. He reached out and gently fluffed Fai's hair. "For me?"

"Alright," the musician murmured, feeling his face heat. As he shuffled along to serve himself, he felt eyes on him, shuddering. He turned to look, expecting Kurogane, but met the glares of several girls instead. He flushed and gave a tremble, feeling suddenly very small and weak. Kurogane had a way of making him feel ill, like he couldn't take a complete breath without him. He hurriedly piled his plate with pasta and salad, making his way to their table as fast as he could without tripping over his coat. He collapsed with a sigh into his chair, sort of shrugging out of the fluffy overcoat before he caught the look that Kurogane was giving him. Fai snickered softly, the sound lured out of him by Kurogane's raised eyebrow and bemused frown. He couldn't help it, it was as involuntary as breathing to him, to indulge the elder in tender smiles. "Girls are scary," he informed Kurogane, feeling a little like his old self; "They terrify me sometimes."

Kurogane laughed, a clear sound that Fai hadn't heard in ages, since the gold-tinged days of summer, when everything was kind and gentle between them. "You don't have to tell me that twice," he said, shaking his head before taking a bite of his own food. "You have quite a fanbase."

"As do you," Fai pointed out with a shrug. "…but, Kurogane, I think you scare me more."

The elder paused, then frowned; "How so?"

"You shake who I am to the core. Even though I've lied so much to you, you believe me, you have hope that one day, I'll trust you. You—you love me—the me who is—who is so broken and pathetic—"

"Fai, you're not pathetic!"

Fai held up a hand, shaking his head slowly, "You terrify me, because you _know_ me." _Because I can't live without you. Because you're the reason I was born. _

"Don't be afraid of that," Kurogane murmured after a moment of silence. "Just… eat. Listen, and eat, and… then… we'll… Well, please, hear me out."

Fai laughed softly, and nodded, "Okay. It's sort of weird, normally I'm the one talking and being listened to." He paused, then added awkwardly once Kurogane looked at him oddly, "You know… therapy. Ahhh… Go on then."

Kurogane rubbed the back of his neck, clearing his throat as silence fell heavily between them. "I… ahh, well, I realized some things… Fai, I always thought you didn't want to be with me because you didn't think I was strong enough to handle… you, and everything that comes with you. One day, you may come to tell me all of it, I… I don't know. But, I'm sorry, I wasn't strong enough to realize how much you lo—cared about me," he said after a while. "I was childish, pushing my love on you, but I did believe that I could be strong enough to protect you. You… you don't need someone who will die for you, do you? You don't want or need someone like that, do you— You could never bear to have someone die for you, even if it was me to protect you. It's selfish, to expect you to accept that I'll leave you alone to live while I've died for you. I—I was honestly ready to lay my life on the line to protect you… but I— I'm not strong enough to protect you the way you need to be protected, and I'm sorry. Fai, I'm so sorry. But I'm not strong enough for you… I just…"

Fai felt the tears begin to fall down his cheeks before Kurogane saw them. It felt like the world was going cold, going to hell. His vision broke and refracted behind his tears, nothing looking right anymore. His hands, shaking as they slowly put down his fork, were too pale, but the blue around his wrists and on the gloves in his lap was too bright, almost blinding against the way the world was muting itself. It was so final. There couldn't even be a chance now, before he'd even begun to hope that maybe he could try a little harder, and pave out a road for them in the life he was working so hard to build. Before he could even invite Kurogane to his memories, and tell him, exactly, just what it meant to be with him. He hiccupped softly, drawing Kurogane's discomfited gaze from the table to his face, the meeting of their eyes physically painful to him. If this was what he'd come for, why—why? Why had there been hope and warmth for something as cruel as this, these true words? Everything, had it only been to tell him this? He had only just started to realize it, what it would mean to step forward and live, and this—and this— why?

"Fai— Oi—" Kurogane stood, napkin in hand, and slipped around the small table to crouch at Fai's side. "Hey—don't cry—please don't—"

Fai shook his head softly, pressing the heels of his palms against his cheeks, messily wiping away his tears; "K—Kuro-sama, I'd like some cake, please," he said softly, smiling at the man, "Can you get some please?"

"Fai, no," Kurogane murmured, shaking his head though he rose, unable to bear denying the blonde when he said his name so sweetly, with such a soft smile. "No, please, you're not—please stay, don't leave, I'll be back, I will—" He cupped Fai's face between his hands, "Don't cry, don't misunderstand, I love you—" he said roughly, shaking his head, "Don't—It's not like—"

"But Kuro-sama's not strong," Fai whimpered, holding his hands over Kurogane's. "When? When did you realize you weren't—you couldn't—be what I needed?"

"When you sang—but Fai, please, it's not—I don't have the right to love you now, but I—I still— I just have to—I have to do…_something_, but—"

Fai squeezed Kurogane's hands tight before pulling them from his face; he shook his head, "Kuro-sama, I hear you, and I'll still hear you, no matter what you need to say. I'll stay, but, I'd like to be selfish and have you get me something sweet, please," he whispered, even though he knew he couldn't stomach anymore food, or even anymore words. Worse than a lie, the truth shot through him, dragging him down.

_I can't live without you—_

"…Okay," Kurogane answered gruffly, his gaze lingering on Fai for a moment longer before he turned, and left.

Fai could not bear to watch him walk away, pressing his face into his hands. He couldn't even summon the energy to move, just to breathe. This, somehow, was worse than Kurogane's coerced lies at the end of the summer; this was the truth, this was Kurogane realizing that he was not the one for Fai. That he could not be the one, because he couldn't muster the strength to face what it was that Fai needed. But he—he'd been so willing to lay it all out, and for once, Fai had been willing to take it upon himself. But just as he could not bear a life without Kurogane, he could not fathom a life where Kurogane did not exist. "It's protecting him; in the end…I guess… it's the best, but—I—I wanted… just once more—"

"Um… Fai-san…?"

Fai started, his head whipping to the side, eyes wide. A group of three girls stood next to his and Kurogane's table; two were defiant, hands on their hips as they glared down at the blonde. The third hid behind them, looking anxiously behind her.

"…hello?" Fai ventured, and his body trembled. These girls scared him in an almost irrational manner. But then again, he'd never been the best with new people, and the front two simply radiated malice. "C-can I help you?"

"Why are you doing this?" One girl demanded, "Do you intend to continue leading him on?"

"Excuse me?" Fai asked, frowning deeply as he fidgeted. He vaguely remembered them from the Kendo-team; he wasn't sure if they were members or managers, but they were at least slightly familiar. It did nothing to ease his wariness; "Who's leading—what? I don't understand…"

"Kurogane-kun! He was really upset you know, and you keep on playing these games with him!" the girl scolded, "You obviously don't care, since you're up and around like you don't give a crap at school! And now you're here! Is it because you like the attention he gives you?"

"Why… why is it that… this is your business?" the blonde whispered, body growing cold. They were also the girls who had taken to following the elder around school; the ones from the other side of the restaurant when they walked in. Oh. _Oh_.

"One of our friends got stood up because you're playing this game with sempai!" the other girl said sternly, pointing across the diner to their friend, who was talking rather earnestly with Kurogane, looking near in tears.

"They went to the dance together?" Fai whispered, aghast. No. This couldn't be true… Not really. Or… could… it be? There… wasn't anything that stopped Kurogane from dating anyone else, though. Even though the words and truth came warm and kind between them, there wasn't anything tying them together. They were nothing, they were non-existent. Kurogane couldn't protect him, wouldn't protect him any longer, and he… he couldn't even muster the strength to tell the elder that he loved him, was born for him, needed him, would die without him. But Kurogane already knew, and he couldn't bear that weight.

"Not that there was much together for them there anyway," a girl scoffed. The girl in the back finally spoke then, muttering: "He took off after you, like always. It would be kinder to him if you'd just leave, I think..."

"Yes," Fai mumbled, "It… it would." He stood slowly, barely feeling his body move at all through the twisting pain in his heart. He gathered his costume coat in his hands, not seeing. "I'll… I'll stop. I'll leave him be. I'm sorry," he murmured, "I… I could never possibly—yes, I'll… yes—tell him that I… I'm sorry—" He ran his hand through his hair absently, pushing through the girls as he hurried towards the exit. He didn't notice as the girl in the back turned away from her friends, trying to follow him, calling a soft, "Sempai, wait—!" before the other two grabbed her and pulled her away. He was too busy trying to flee from this disaster, making it halfway through the parking lot before he had to lean into the bushes and vomit.

He sank to the curb afterwards, head in his hands. Why? Why him, why now, why couldn't have Kurogane just have left him alone if that's how it was? Did he hope to smooth things over, end it on a more even field, on his own terms? Was that how everyone saw them? Two hopeless people playing games with each other? Was… was he really that cruel?

He had to be, truly. Selfish. Was it possible, maybe, that while Kurogane was his reason to live, it just wasn't so? He was already broken on the inside, unable to control his moods and tempers and forever caught in the struggle of easing them and making peace with the irrepressible darkness of it… he was already broken on the outside, years of scars from torture and fire and self mutilation covering his body, which had been violated and dirtied at such a young age… could it be that he was just one big fuck up?

He could feel himself shaking from the sudden, unseasonable cold, but couldn't muster enough of himself to even care. Instead, he sat in the dark parking lot, sobbing loudly. He hoped that maybe, someone would come to where he sat and run him over in mercy.

Kurogane didn't love him, didn't even want to give him a chance anymore. He'd used up so many already. If only he'd been quicker… His kind and strong Kurogane wasn't strong enough to try anymore. All that was left for Fai to do, who loved Kurogane so desperately, was to disappear. He just… wouldn't _be_ anymore. He didn't want to live like this, missing a part of himself. He just… wouldn't try anymore. He'd be gone and taken away, and 'Fai' just wouldn't be anymore. It was the kindest thing to do now…

He looked up at the sound of a car pulling up into the space beside him, headlights blinding him. Once Fai had seen that it wasn't anywhere near enough to actually hit him, he dropped his head back into his hands.

"…Fai-san, is that you? What on earth are you doing out here?"

Fai didn't answer. He just let them usher him into their car and drive him back home. When he opened his mouth to thank Yukito, nothing came out, no matter how hard he tried to talk. No… No, it would be best if he didn't, his mind whispered, why be anyone else's burden?

**XxXxXxX**

"Look, I'll have a chat with him, that was out of line," Kurogane muttered, nodding. "That explains a lot, you know."

Kobato sniffed, "You're really nice, you know," she pointed out. "You didn't even have to listen to me, since I know you're on a date."

"Nah," the boy muttered, a bit mollified that someone other than Fai called him kind. "The team's my responsibility since I'm the head manager now, and I won't have the members picking on the other managers. And it's not really a date, I guess," he corrected the girl sternly.

"Oh, but no, really, you two looked really cute!" she gushed, clapping her hands together happily. "I'm really really sorry, but I've been meaning to find you about what happened for a few days now. Fujimoto-san kept bullying me into telling you, it was rather scary!" she laughed, "So when he saw you he gave me a push! And told me to talk to you! Shall I go apologize to Fai-san for keeping you, too?"

"Oh, it's fine, I think," Kurogane said off handedly, "He'll get more flustered at you apologizing than me being a bit long. I'll tell him you're sorry though."

"Well, if you say so," Kobato murmured, "Well, I'll see you at practice on Monday, okay?" She waved cheerily at Kurogane as she turned to skip back to her table where her boyfriend was waiting.

Kurogane gave a sort of snort, shaking his head at her before turning back to finish getting a piece of cake for Fai's plate. He really needed to clear up the misunderstanding between them; he could tell from the blonde's tears that it came out wrong.

It wasn't that he didn't want to be strong or couldn't be strong enough to protect Fai, he just didn't know how. He needed to get Fai to understand that even though he couldn't be what he needed the most… he could still be there. It would take him a while to find a new way to protect the blonde, but… he'd be strong enough so that he wouldn't lose who he loved anymore. It wasn't over, it had never been over. There was no way he could let that happen.

He made his way back to the table only to find Fai gone. "Damn," he muttered, sinking into his seat slowly. "Damn." He'd let Fai go; he'd left the blonde an opening to run. He should have known better. He'd wasted this chance, this last chance. After promising that he wouldn't let Fai slip through his fingers again, he'd left him alone. Of course Fai would run. Of course he would.

He covered his face in his hands, swearing again. What would it take for him to get something right for once?

"Kurogane-sempai, may we sit with you?"

"No."

"But it's lonely sitting alone isn't it?"

"No." He didn't even bother looking at them. He'd never bothered to even learn their names, they were so unimportant to him. They were just bothersome, swarming him.

"He won't come back."

"No."

"He really won't."

Kurogane brought his fist down onto the table, growling; "Will you shut up! Get the fuck away from me, okay? I don't want to sit with you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't even know who you are!" he shouted, "And I will never, never, give a shit about you!" He rose to his feet, shaking in anger, "So get away from me—!"

"Oi, stop yelling. You're scaring customers," a man snapped, hand clapping solidly down on Kurogane's shoulders. "And you girls, if you're done eating, you should leave."

Kurogane looked back and gave a sharp sigh, "Why the _fuck_ do you work everywhere, Touya?" He reached up and rubbed his temples, slumping back down into his seat.

Touya shrugged, glaring after the girls as they slunk off to their corner table. "Yuki eats a lot," he said noncommittally. "And I just like having something to do. Money's always nice, too." He slipped into Fai's vacated table, surveying Kurogane in silence. "So. I got a call from Yuki. He's dealing with Fai right now, while this afternoon, I got to deal with my brat of a sister," he informed Kurogane casually. "I—we, actually—want to know what the hell's going on with your little… _group_."

"I don't know… Did he say how Fai is?"

Touya held his hand up, shaking his head, "Yuki told me not to tell you anymore than Fai's being taken home safely. He called Clow-san, who's sending Watanuki in for damage control, since he's apparently the most grown up out of all of you… Seriously. I can't get anything out of my sister, the Li's are all sulking about—every time I see those two brats they just look so guilty. Shizuka says that Watanuki's worrying himself sick over you guys, and Ameterasu won't stop asking me if Sakura's said anything about what's going on between you and Fai because Tomoyo won't stop bothering _her_. You guys have to talk to someone other than yourselves," the elder said sternly.

Kurogane opened his mouth to protest, then sighed. "Maybe we first have to be more open with ourselves before we can open up to others," he said after a while. "I don't know what's happening to Sakura or the Li brothers any more than you do; all I know is that… they're …suffering. I'm not the right person to ask."

"So you're saying you're selfishly blind to anything but yourself?"

Kurogane stood, glaring down at Touya. "No. I'm blind to anything but Fai. Anything else, well it's not my problem. _I_ didn't break _them_. Maybe it is selfish of me, maybe it's not. Sorry I couldn't be of more help. Thank Yukito for me," he muttered curtly, tossing a few dollars down onto the table as a tip to a server they'd never gotten the chance to speak to, feeling his chest tighten with every step towards his car.

He'd blown it. Yet again, he'd blown it. And once again, he seemed to have the entire town worried about his well-being. Sometimes… he wished he could just fall back into anonymity.

If it were just he and Fai, that would be all he needed, forever. But that didn't seem to be happening any time soon.

**XxXxXxX**

Watanuki impatiently waved his hand in front of Fai's face, grunting in irritation when the blonde's eyes did not focus. "Fai—Fai!"

The blonde, still, did not answer. He hadn't spoken much to anyone since the night of the masquerade; sometimes, he'd give one or two word answers. If it was a good minute or hour, he'd wave, and maybe even say a sentence. But mostly he shook his head and pointed, communicating in gestures. Watanuki knew he would speak to himself, though: long, murmured soliloquies and songs, and it broke his heart. Every time he'd come to check up on Fai—once in the morning, then after school, and again after dinner—he'd find Fai in various stages of composing or just sitting and staring out the window, humming or talking to himself. The blonde just wasn't functional anymore. The last thing that had held him sane, whatever little bit of hope he had, had broken that night. Or maybe it was that Fai just didn't want to be functional anymore.

In all honesty, Watanuki was terrified he'd walk in and find Fai dead. He'd managed to only find him asleep once, and it had shaken him so badly he couldn't even hold the ladle steady later the same evening. Fai apparently slept face down, and was a heavy sleeper. It took Watanuki at least five tries to get him to wake up. But other than that once, the musician had always been awake, and physically, no worse for wear. There was no signs of him cutting anymore, and in fact, the first day, Fai had rolled up his sleeves for Watanuki, and with a child-like proudness, showed him that he'd self-tattooed onto his arms a swarm of butterflies, over and over and over with magic markers.

"_What are these?" he'd asked. Fai pursed his lips, then bit down on them before speaking. "Well," he said softly, voice hoarse, "The blue ones have your name on them. The pink ones are Sakura's. They'll die, you know, if I cut. So. I want them." _

It was the most Fai'd said directly to him since.

Today, he'd managed to coax Fai out to practice, using music and a promise to cook whatever he wanted to eat as bait.

"It's no use, he's not really there," Sakura said quietly, sliding her finger across the table.

"He is, sort of," Watanuki said helplessly, looking over at Fai who'd begun to hum to himself again, tapping time absently on his thigh. "He's at least actively trying to live. So we should try, at least—"

"There's no use in anything anymore," Sakura muttered with a bitter laugh. "Shaoran hasn't even bothered to show up; the idea of practice with Fai is too idyllic. He's off somewhere in his own world, doing his own thing. Give it up, Watanuki, they're as good as gone."

Watanuki froze, a slow, sad scowl working its way across his face; "Sakura-chan… of all people… I thought you would be the last to give up hope."

"That's your job," the girl snapped; "You endlessly wait for things that will never happen! They will never get back together! I am not enough to make up for my dead sister! Things end, Watanuki! And when it ends, that's all there is! There is _nothing_ more."

The bassist looked at her with an unfathomable look in his eyes, and with a sigh, he pushed up his glasses. "There is no such thing as a true end," he said, standing from his chair. He moved around to Fai, gently moving the blonde out of his seat. "We simply spiral."

Fai moved mechanically, seeing, but not really. He wasn't really behind the motions, something inside of him guiding him.

"When something ends, like a life, or a relationship, there is still something left of it left behind in people's hearts. That's why we hurt, Sakura-chan," Watanuki murmured. "It's just… some people know how to hold and cherish that piece, but move on while others cannot. I wonder… which type of person I am… surely, if Fai-san died, or if he and Kurogane-kun never returned to the way they were, I would grieve… But I would hope that I would have the sort of strength it would take to simply grieve, and to not obsess." He gave another sigh, sliding Fai's bag over his shoulders, ushering the blonde in front of him. "I don't know what sort of strength it requires to be able to move on after something like that. I don't remember it anymore. Maybe I had it once."

"You wouldn't grieve, Watanuki," Sakura told him, "You would agonize because you couldn't do a damn thing."

"_Ah_… and so would you. And so _are_ you." Watanuki paused; "I'm taking Fai home. Will you be alright by yourself, or shall I call Doumeki?"

"I'll be fine," Sakura said gently, putting her head in her hands. She heard Watanuki bid her a goodbye and a good evening, but said nothing in return.

She wanted so badly to save them both. She had known them her entire life. She loved Shaoran, and she loved Syaoron; they were different sorts of love, but she loved them both. It was a hard love to deal with, and it tore her apart. She didn't know how to spare herself and them both. The twins were stubborn, they wanted what they wanted. Was she really holding onto something and agonizing over it? Yes. Of course she was.

She was still stuck, unmoving from that time where everything changed. She was wavering, and her kindness and sorrow was hurting two people that she held dear to her.

"Are you alright?"

Sakura started, looking up at Syaoron, smiling weakly. The boy scowled. He slid into the seat opposite to her, regarding her with hard eyes. "I'm leaving," he said after a long moment. "I'd like for you to come with me."

Sakura froze, feeling her heart pause and hands grow cold. "Sy…syaoron-kun, what are you asking?"

"I can't stand it here," the boy said sharply, "I can't do it anymore—I'm making you choose. I'm leaving. I can't watch everyone be happy and just live on when everything's so wrong."

"You're running away?"

"It's not running away, it's escaping this hell," Syaoron said simply, regarding Sakura harshly. He softened, watching the girl tremble. "Come with me… I can see what this town is doing to you. It sucks all the happiness out of everyone. You, me, _everyone_."

"I can't run away from it, though," Sakura said faintly. "Syaoron-kun, don't make me choose, you know I can't."

"You can!" Syaoron cut her off. He stood, leaning over the table, cupping the girl's face between his fingers. "Sakura-chan, please, come with me. We're not so young that we can't do anything for ourselves. We can leave."

Sakura laughed weakly, "Syaoron-kun, you're crazy—! You can't be serious!"

"I am," Syaoron murmured. He pressed his forehead against hers, eyes closed, "I'm serious. I may be crazy, but I am serious. Please, come with me."

"Syaoron-kun," Sakura whispered faintly, dropping her head back into her hands. "What about school? What about money—our parents?"

"Those things don't matter."

Sakura could feel the world spinning around her. "No. Syaoron-kun, my answer is no. I won't. Because, honestly, what do you love about me?"

"You—well, you're sweet," the boy said after a long moment.

"No. It's my face. This is my sister's face, so it's what you love the most. I don't, Syaoron-kun, I don't love you like you claim to love me," she said wearily, "So I won't go with you. I'll stay."

"With my brother."

"Yes. With Shaoran. I'm sorry. But I can't do this anymore."

**XxXxXxX**

"I'm sorry, but I can't tell you!" Watanuki snapped, flushing in anger. "I'm telling you, I won't let you in if you show up! I _won't_—! You had your chances!"

"_Look, I just—tell me how he's doing, at least—"_

"No!" The boy held the phone out in front of his face, yelling into the speaker while trying to ignore Kurogane's increasingly frustrated pleas until Doumeki snatched the phone from him.

"I'm trying to drive," he intoned flatly before ending the call. Watanuki gaped, but said nothing, the two sitting in silence until Doumeki pulled into a parking space outside of Fai's apartment, a stop they'd been making for three days now. "Kimihiro, just leave it."

Watanuki looked over at the archer and sighed, dropping his face into his hands. "I can't," he moaned, "Somehow I've become everyone's mother."

"Tell them no."

"I can't."

"Then I will," Doumeki snapped, "This is getting ridiculous. Tell Yuuko. Tell Clow. Have them deal with it. You're only sixteen."

"What are you saying!" Watanuki snapped, bristling.

"You're too young to be worrying about all of this—all of these matters of life and death!" the elder retorted, thoroughly angry, "Let him go, let the twins go, let Sakura go, because I'll be damned if I let you go!"

The bespectacled boy gaped up at his boyfriend, almost awestruck. Doumeki never got really mad, he never even spoke that much, but now… "Wha…t do you mean?"

"I see you, you're losing yourself. You haven't smiled in ages, you haven't yelled or screamed or responded at all when Yuuko or Kunogi teases you, you just sit there, and stare off into space. You sleep. You don't eat. You come and you make sure he hasn't offed himself—you flinch every afternoon when we open the door. You're being stupid. You're—you're not yourself."

"I… I'm perfectly fine!" He knew, though, that Doumeki was right. It made him feel small, and ridiculous, for being this concerned. But he just… couldn't let this happen. He could prevent it in some manner, couldn't he? Watanuki looked up and met the archer's smoldering gaze and wilted. His fingers closed around the fabric of his pants, and he shook his head as he looked away. "It… breaks my heart. Everything's falling apart. We're all friends, but… they don't… they won't say anything anymore, no matter how much they're hurting. I don't know, I don't know… I want them to be happy, but they…"

Doumeki reached out and grabbed the younger boy' shoulders, pulling Watanuki tight against his chest. "Kimihiro," he murmured, drawing the younger into a fierce kiss. Moments later, he pulled away, leaving Watanuki blushing and flustered; "I told you—I would wish for your happiness. Wishing isn't enough. It's something I work towards… after today, I won't let you do this anymore."

"Ah—and how… how exactly will you stop me?" Watanuki stammered defiantly, tensing against Doumeki.

The archer ran his hands down the smaller's back, mouth searching in another kiss. "I'll take up all your time if you resist," he growled. "I won't have you be lost in all of this."

Watanuki gasped helplessly, "I can't… just turn off caring about them—Doumeki, don't be unreasonable—"

"Is it really unreasonable?" Doumeki ran his nose against the smaller's temple, drawing Watanuki tight into his arms. "Reason makes no sense in this world. You can make your choices, but I make mine. I will not allow you to turn and walk away from me. I will not be weak."

"You're unreasonable," Watanuki murmured stubbornly. He slipped his arms around Doumeki, squeezing his lover softly.

"It's just the choice I made," the elder said simply. He leaned forward to kiss the smaller teen softly; "You have one too, so do with it what you will. It just won't change what I decided."

Watanuki sighed and slowly pulled away; "Shizuka," he said quietly, "I know, but this is still… it's still—I want to do what I can."

"Just know that I'll do the same," Doumeki said easily with a shrug, pulling his keys out of the ignition.

Watanuki frowned, then sighed, reaching out to tap his fingers softly against the archer's cheek; "Hey, don't sulk. …I appreciate you being concerned for me," he murmured. He paused briefly, and then leaned forward to press a soft kiss to Doumeki's cheek, blushing profusely as he hurried out of the car and up the stairs to Fai's apartment door.

As he jiggled with the keys that Fai had clumsily handed him days before, he automatically knew something wasn't right inside. He couldn't hear music at all—there was always some form of music drifting through the thin walls of the old, rundown apartment. He wiggled the key into the lock, his heart jumping up into his throat. Instead of music, he could hear the soft sound of Fai's voice, hoarse and quiet.

He frowned, stepping forward, looking into the small living area that was littered with water bottles, scribbled out sheet music and CDs. Fai sat on the sofa, knees drawn to his chest, rocking as he spoke, and on the floor in front of the blonde, sat an older man in a dress shirt and tie, looking in every sense out of place in Fai's dingy apartment. But he was quiet as Fai talked and rocked, looking up intently at the teen.

Watanuki paused in the doorway, unsure of what he'd just walked in on. So he simply listened.

"I treated him really badly, but I thought, I thought, you know, that maybe it wouldn't matter in the end since… I mean, he was always there—everyone was always there," Fai was saying, reaching up to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand. "I was ready to give everything up, for real… but everything's been some sort of game to me until now. Trying to feel and love, but I'm not, I don't… it's not something I deserve. I shouldn't have been so egotistical to try."

"You were ready to give it a second chance just last week. You were ready to deal with feeling a bit selfish; tell me why that's changed," The man prompted softly.

"I don't deserve it; it was stupid of me to think so. I'm just a burden to everyone… I… I'm not lovable or precious or anything at all—"

"Kimihiro."

Watanuki flinched, nearly shouting in surprise; he sighed in relief as he looked up at his adopted father. "Clow-san, what are you doing here? Who's that?"

Clow frowned, then looked at Fai. "Shizuka-kun called," he said quietly, turning a stern gaze back at his son. "I happen to agree with what he told me, too. This isn't something you can deal with."

The teen scowled, turning to look behind him where Doumeki stood, arms crossed. "I can't believe you—!" he hissed, "You didn't even ask me how I felt about this!"

Doumeki shrugged, "I gave you a chance. There are times when it's better to just not concern yourself with how others are feeling in order to help them."

Watanuki opened his mouth to snap back, but was silenced by a hand on his shoulder. He looked back up at Clow and sighed. Doumeki was right. He wasn't old enough or strong enough to deal with Fai right now. He'd probably hurt the blonde more than he helped in reality. "W..who is that talking to him?"

"His doctor," Clow answered, "He's an acquaintance of mine as well, so I contacted him after our conversation, Shizuka-kun. Kimihiro, I know you meant your best, but he doesn't need a friend right now, he needed someone who knew how to work with him to get through this."

"What's wrong with him? He wasn't talking before."

Clow shook his head, glancing behind him before ushering the two boys out onto the apartment's landing. He pulled the door closed before speaking again. "He chose not to speak," Clow said simply, "To protect himself. He's thinking that what he feels isn't important enough to say anymore—"

"But that's not true! We're all really—! We're really worried!" Watanuki cried, shaking his head.

The man held up a hand, shaking his head, "Your feelings, well… think of it this way, if you were convinced that Shizuka-kun didn't love you, would how your friends feel about you matter as much?" he asked softly; "Would you be able to let it go or would you think about _why _and agonize over it?"

Watanuki froze, looking up at Doumeki with a frown. He remembered what it felt like, those months where they avoided each other, when he agonized over if he'd made a mistake, if he was even enough. He remembered what Sakura had asked him, if he could be the type of person to grieve but continue to live if something was lost. He knew that he couldn't go on, not knowing why he wasn't where he wanted to be, not knowing why he wasn't with the person he loved the most. It was such a hopeless feeling— it was cold and dark. You never truly forgot the feeling of being unwanted, he knew. If the person who didn't want you was important enough, or if you weren't confident enough, just once would be enough to overwhelm the love from everyone else you knew. Something like that was devastating. Watanuki didn't blame Fai for withdrawing from all of them. He shivered and took an involuntary step towards Doumeki. "But… he kept saying he didn't want Kurogane-kun," he said weakly, "Even after we told him, after Kurogane told him… that he needed him…"

"You say stupid things all the time," Doumeki pointed out. He reached out and slipped an arm around Watanuki's waist, pulling the boy closer. "Just because there are things that are said… or aren't said," he said, looking down at the boy with a meaningful glance. Watanuki flushed softly, knowing what the elder meant with that look. "It doesn't mean that the feeling isn't there. There are sometimes things that can't be said aloud."

"I don't think Fai-san ever felt like he deserved to be happy," Watanuki said, looking down at his feet. He could feel his face heating in shame, tears pricking at his eyes. "We tried really hard, we did—Ever since we met him, we tried. We all wanted to help give him a reason to want to be happy—!"

"In the end, though," Clow said softly, "That wasn't your place. The person who could give Fai the most happiness, the most kindness, wasn't you or Sakura-chan, or Shaoran. It wasn't even Kurogane. It was all of you _together_, along with _him_ trying."

"He doesn't want to try…"

"No, he wants to. You just have to let it come on its own. Don't push him, just wait. Give him time to realize what he needs to do, and have him learn to trust in himself and in you. In the meantime, Shizuka-kun, why don't you take Kimihiro for the night? Both Yuuko-san and I will be busy, so you can whisk him away," Clow suggested with a knowing grin.

"Can do," Doumeki replied, squeezing Watanuki briefly.

The younger teen turned bright red and gave a semi-coherent shriek of embarrassment, pointing a shaking finger at his guardian as he protested.

**XxXxXxX**

"Tell me why you feel that way, Fai," Shuichiro encouraged kindly.

"Because it's true, it has to be true," the blonde cried, "I mean, it must be."

"Why is that?"

"God, will you **stop**? It's true, it's true. Don't you think I _get_ it already! No one cares, no one! Not even _you_!" Fai brought his fist down hard against his knee; it hurt, but it brought him stronger into focus. He'd been drifting all week. He couldn't even manage the strength to move at times; at others, he was a mad flurry of singular ability. But why bother even composing anymore—no one listened, no one _cared_. Even if he poured out the entire truth, everything that was written into his heart and soul and even his very DNA… no one would pause to care. Not even this man, whose careful words had planted in him the mechanisms of change. He'd be gone soon enough once the change happened, feeling a smug sort of self-pride, thinking 'I made it better', and Fai… well, he'd be alone again with the realization that people pour out false words. It **hurt**. So why bother at all?

_I'm sorry, I can't, I can't, I don't want to anymore. I know—I promised, I promised, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, _he cried endlessly in his head. But no reprimand came, no reason, no dreams. Nothing. Everything had left him, failed him. He was empty, shallow, gone. He was barely even human. He couldn't be; it was impossible. There was something so wrong within him that people weren't even capable of feigning empathy towards him. Feigning courtesy. Nothing. He was worth nothing. He was so worthless that all people could do was give him empty words and promises, and the kindest of them all would simply tell him that there was no reason for him to exist at all.

"I'll never know why if you don't explain it," Shuichiro said quietly.

"Shut up! Shut up! I'm wrong! I'm _**wrong**_ okay! I'm _never_ right! I wasn't even born right! There's something in me that's broken even past what I thought it was _already_! I need to die, I need to stop being a burden! I need to leave and not bother anyone anymore because all I am is a burden, all I am is someone to be used and broken and beaten and directed and I'm not worth anything! I've never been worth anything! No one's ever found me to be worth their time—I've always been alone, I've always been left behind. By my mother, by my brother, by my father, by the one I loved—!"

"Surely your friends, Fai—"

"I hear them! I _hear_ them, they're so tired of me," Fai sobbed, "I wanted to get better for them, I _**wanted**_ to, but even _then_… I'm too much of a burden, I don't deserve to even have a chance. I hear them, saying it's not worth waiting for me anymore, that there's no hope—I'm alone and no one cares—all I'm good for is being a thing, and it's wrong for me to want any more. Even **strangers** know that I just need to disappear."

Shuichiro reached out and took Fai's face between his fingers, "Listen to me Fai. You are not worthless. You love so much that there's no way that you can be worthless. Listen to me, and hear me, Fai. Nothing can kill you but the last thing you ever experience; you can choose that right now. Will you choose to let what someone you never knew said to you _kill_ you? Will you let the weight and pain of a broken heart and anger _kill_ you? Or will you take it and let it teach you, make you stronger, so that you can continue to **live**?"

"I don't want to live if it hurts this much," Fai wept, body shaking with the force of it. "I don't want to. It's lonely, it hurts. Do you know how much it hurts to just _wait_? To wait for the people you care about to come around and _**care**_? To listen to promises and pretty words like _'I've always hoped'_ or _'You're very important to me'_ and then wait and _wait_ and _**wait**_ for them and then know that… the words mean **nothing**, even though what you _thought_ you _wanted_ all along was just the _**words **_but what you really _**needed**_was the _action_? It hurts! _It_ _**hurts**_!"

"I know."

Fai crumpled into himself, words failing him once more as they simply turned into incoherent sobs. Maybe what he needed wasn't even the actions, but someone who _knew… _and meant it. He didn't know. He didn't know if he ever would understand what it truly was his heart yearned so passionately for.

**XxXxXxX**

It was Friday. It had been a week. He just couldn't stand it anymore. With a growl, he slammed his locker shut and promised himself that even if he had to toss Watanuki's skinny ass off of a building, he _would_ see Fai. It was the same sort of determination he'd found in him when he'd climbed atop the tables earlier that month and sang his lungs out; he would do it. Even if it labeled him as pathetic, he would do it. He was stubborn. He would win Fai back.

Or at least, maybe try to convince the blonde that he'd majorly fucked up what he'd tried to say. He could see it—Fai had been shy, but he saw the younger open up like a flower before him that night, beautiful and soft, and… well. He'd been an idiot. He should have said it better, but he had no clue how. He ran an anxious hand through his hair, pressing his forehead against his locker. How the hell could he tell Fai what he didn't even want to admit to himself?

Anything though, he'd say _anything_ to be able to dance with Fai again, to be able to hold him tightly and run his fingers against his skin and make him smile. He'd gladly fight wars for that. He'd kill, even. He could become the type of strong it took to make Fai happy. It wouldn't happen instantly, but he would make it happen.

"Um… Kurogane-sempai? M…may I have a word?" a girl asked softly, gently tapping him on the back.

Kurogane turned, leaning back against the locker, arms crossed tightly. "Didn't you fucking get the picture last week?" he snarled, recognizing the girl from the restaurant. She was sort of mousy, and even though he couldn't remember her really saying anything, she still hung out with the sort of girls that needed to get the hint that he just wasn't going to sleep with any of them.

The girl flushed bright red and looked like she was about to cry. "Ah—! I…!" She bowed suddenly, so low that several things fell from her open purse. "Kurogane-sempai, I wanted to apologize for what happened Friday night—! I'm really so very sorry—we—I feel so awful, since we said—and now, Fai-sempai's been gone for so long, I'm scared we really hurt his feelings, and I'm so sorry for it!" She trembled as she took a deep breath, looking up at the upperclassman through her bangs.

Kurogane's frown suddenly deepened, and he was silent, working things through in his head. He slowly stood straight, and reached out and took her chin between his fingers. The girl winced slightly at the sudden firm grasp, then gasped as he forced her to look up. "Are you telling me that you spoke to him before he left?" he said, voice low and even.

Tears fell then, a small murmuring of a gathering crowd rippling through the hallway as the girl began to sob in fear. This was worse than him yelling at the restaurant. This was terrifying, like Kurogane was going to hit her or worse; the look in his eye as he forced their gaze together was enough to convince her that he could even kill someone for even thinking about hurting Fai.

"I—I said—it would—it would be better for you if—if he—just disappeared—because I like you sempai—I really like you, and he's just—but we said horrible things, and we told him that you—you invited a girl to the dance and that she was our friend, and—he—I'm afraid that he listened to me, really listened, when I told him to disappear!" the girl cried, "I'm really sorry!"

Kurogane tightened his grip on her and shook her slightly, "Listen here," he growled, leaning down so they were nose-to-nose, "You don't know what love is, and you sure as hell don't have any business speaking to him. If he's hurt himself over what you said, in any way, you had better leave this country, because I will hunt you down and make you pay, even if you are a girl. Underhanded sneaks have no gender." He pushed her away then, paying no mind as she collapsed to the hall floor or to the unhappy hisses and boos thrown his way.

He'd probably regret losing his temper later, but at the moment, his anger had only one focus: to get to Fai. Of course, it wasn't as if his actions didn't have repercussions. It wasn't long before one of the school's police offers had grabbed him and dragged him up to Yuuko's office, which was met with yet another suspension, and a rather long talk with Clow once the infernal witch of a principal had gotten a hold of him.

When he finally reached the blonde's apartment that night, there was no one home: That's when he got the call.

**XxXxXxX**

After it all, he barely thought he could even stand to sing anymore. Singing was what had brought him to Kurogane, and what had tied them even when they hated everything else about each other. But Shuichiro had told him to live, and Watanuki had suggested in his soft way of his to do what he loved to do the most. And that was performing—singing. Pretending. His hands shook as he leaned into the mic, fingers almost missing their frets; luckily there wasn't much for him to do but to sing; he'd only just composed the song. He was surprised that his voice came out. He was nervous and sad and scared, and oh, god, the longing was going to tear him in two.

But Shuichiro had told him to let go. To let it all go, and to let it all go, he had to face it. So he would face it, once more, the deepest feelings he had in him.

"_I know I'm not there to hold you;  
Look up see the sky that I do;  
You make me the happiest of men—  
I am the happiest of men…"_

Kurogane had been the only one who could have made him happy. He almost stopped then but instead simply leaned towards the microphone, reaching up to grab it with trembling fingers. He was so cold, even underneath the blazing stage lights. The air was stale with the scent of sweat and beer, and his mouth was dry as cotton. What a fool he was, confessing now, of all times, on stage for everyone to hear… except the one who needed to hear it most. He wanted to badly to have been given another chance, because he would have known how to take it and not mess it up this time… but he'd already had a lifetime's share of chances, and anymore… anymore would leave him with a debt too steep to pay. It was time to give Kurogane up and let the elder move on, even though Fai knew that he, himself… could not.

It would always be with him, shaping him, molding him, reminding him to not be foolish and to go on even when it hurt the most. He would let it go, and move on the best he could—he agreed with Shuichiro about that. This pain and sorrow was trapping him, holding him down, keeping him hovering with one foot in the darkest place imaginable and one in a place that, while still dim, was lighter.

_"And if god takes me before you  
I just want you to know I love you,  
And you made me the strongest of all men—  
I'll remain the happiest of men…"  
_

He was a fool. He'd been left in the middle of town with no money by someone who claimed to love him. He'd been fooled into believing it again only to have it ripped from him. He was crying now; he couldn't hold back this time. It was so embarrassing, to have so many people see him broken, but he was beyond caring anymore. The audience, who was normally so loud, was silent. He'd been taught that only those whose opinions he allowed in could hurt him, so he just wouldn't care about them. It was harder than it sounded, but he was so filled with the overwhelming wounds that caring about Kurogane had left him that he could not allow anyone else in.

How could he? He'd just…left him all over again, so publicly as well. He was such a fool for giving love a chance. He'd thought that… But despite it all, he still loved him so painfully. He still loved him. Kurogane had given him such a shining chance for life. For a brief while, life was beautiful; it shone and sparkled. He had _lived_ and that was the single best thing that anyone had done for him. He had been happy.

But that was all gone now. He swallowed the lump in his throat, giving his best to smile. He wanted to be strong now. He wanted to live and exist. Maybe if he smiled, made a conscious effort to do things, what was being forced would slowly become real again. If that could happen, and if he could look back at Kurogane with fondness… he would be satisfied.

_"You made me the happiest of men  
I'll remain the happiest of men…  
(I miss you…  
Baby close your eyes  
Let's meet  
In our dreams tonight)…"_

**XxXxXxX**

**But that's not how I was born, nor raised. Today, I stand at the crossroad, and looking back, I wish I didn't have to go on. **

**XxXxXxX**

It was so frustrating. Everything. He was just ready to throw it all down and just quit for real this time. What was the point in loving someone who didn't love him back? All that effort, all that longing, and he just… wasn't worth it. Thrown away, cast aside, unwanted.

It was a very persistent ache in the back of his head, throbbing with the beat of his heart. Though he was most likely heartbroken, his chest didn't hurt at all. Nothing was really right anymore, anyway. Even though it was warm outside, he was cold. That's all he really felt; it was cold here, with his back against the marble and his fingers curled into the dry grass beneath his feet. The mildewy scent of fake flowers rotting in vases filled his nose, almost overpowering the lone rose he'd brought with him.

He tipped his head back against the polished stone, staring up into the sky. It was clear with a deep blue –orange-pink sunset that only a late autumn day could produce, and he remembered the joy it used to bring him. Not anymore; he couldn't feel anything anymore even if he tried. He had tried so hard; almost to the point of obsession. He just couldn't take the next step anymore. The decision had been a long time coming, ever since the day years ago when he realized the shock would never wear off.

"I miss you," he said softly. "The you that is you." He stood slowly, dusting off his jeans. "I'll see you soon."

**XxXxXxX**

Everyone stayed fairly clear of Fai after the set; they simply did not know how to deal with this. This was fine with the blonde, because so many thoughts were swirling in his mind, he wasn't even sure if he could speak coherently.

Fai was alone, packing his guitar case with shaking hands. It'd come down hard on him during that song, like something had struck him atop the head, the shock going down to the soles of his feet: It was truly over this time. There was no going back. There were no more chances. He and Kurogane were truly over. The complete finality of it, of the realization that he was really going to try this time left him reeling. All he wanted, suddenly, was to go home and sleep. Someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Syaoron-san?" Fai looked up at his friend's twin in bemusement. Syaoron stared down at him with flat brown eyes. "You never come… to the shows. Should… should I get Sakura-chan?"

"I want to talk to _you_," he said.

Within the next hour, Fai found himself sitting in a café across town, anxiously twisting a cup of coffee between his chilled hands. "What… did you want to talk about?" he asked slowly, choosing the words carefully. He still didn't feel like talking much to anyone, but he couldn't dwell on this pain forever. He had to grow stronger. He had to move, somewhere, anywhere. He just couldn't let himself fall again.

"What was it like, dying?"

Fai looked up, frowning in confusion; "What? What… do you mean?"

"Last April. What did it feel like?"

"Like flying," Fai answered honestly after a long moment. "Like I was finally free. It hurt, waking up again; I didn't want to."

Fury sparked on Syaoron's face. "Why! You had everything to wake up for!" He slammed his fist down on the table. "Someone loved you; you had friends! You have it made!"

"No… I don't." Fai shook his head. The boy had no idea; no one had any idea. Having to die so many times, having so many names that some days he wasn't sure if someone actually called his name… Watching time after time an empty coffin being lowered into a grave that was supposed to hold his body. An image of a boy with a broken skull and empty eyes mirroring his face—an ideal that he could no longer find… Relics of past lives… No. No one had any clue what it was like to live like this, under the iron rule of a name signed away for a wish. "Syaoron-san, I don't. Don't make the mistake of comparing yourself to me."

Shaoran's twin shook with anger; "You don't realize how good you have it, and it makes me sick."

"Did you bring me here to lecture me?" Fai intoned softly. He could feel himself dulling, his attention waning… he was fading. He didn't want to listen to this, he didn't want to think about this. It was too much of a trigger for him; it was such a dangerous line to cross. He could feel his fingers itch to dig into his skin, imagining the burn of metal against his flesh, the magic-marker butterflies twitching with his pulse and burning. He couldn't but he wanted to… "I'm not even courageous enough to stand up on my own, so what makes you think that I have anything worth keeping—any reason to live?"

The brunette threw his hands up, water spreading out on the table from where a glass was overturned by the sudden movement; "You make me sick!" he raged, "You have it all so perfect, all lined up for you, and you throw it away! You act like a fucking martyr when you have it made in the shade for your stupid skinny little ass and I— she's gone!"

Fai should have realized then that something was wrong. Looking back, he should have grabbed him, taken him to Clow or Yuuko or Shuichiro, even. He was the only one who could have known better, who could have understood. But who could really save someone like that? Did anyone even have that power, besides the ones who pressed him along the path of despair?

But he didn't know how. He didn't know how to save a life—he couldn't even save his own with his own two hands. By the time he realized what he could have done, how he could have saved the boy…

It was too late. It was always too late.

* * *

**A/N: **_Words and actions are currencies. Words can be traded and bartered, but they can also act like credit cards. Be careful for when it's time to pay up on promises.  
As last time, I'll update when I'm satisfied with what I have.  
_

"In My World"- ROOKiEZ is PUNK'd  
"Exit Wounds"- The Script  
"Faceless"- Red  
"Unknown"- Iris  
"With Eyes Wide Shut"- Blessthefall


	35. Exam Six: Blindsided

**Gothix, ****Exam Six****:** _Blindsided __  
_

_She up and died and left you in the fall—__  
You could not forget:__  
You were too young;__  
You said, __  
"Not yet, not yet, not yet"__…__  
__…__It__'__s a__l__l __right;__ this could be a rough night…__  
So hold tight__…__this is not a fair fight. _

To be completely honest, Fai actually hated other people. He was ridiculously dependent upon them, but humans actually disgusted him. For the longest time, he could never figure out why exactly it was; he simply assumed that it was the same reason as everything else that was wrong with him—his father. As he spent more and more time away from his father's presence, though he was never without his influence, he began to understand.

More than just hating other people, Fai hated himself. It started with that tiny seed of shame that was planted in him from the days of his earliest memories, and slowly it bloomed, creeping vines of guilt and hate and humiliation spreading out from that beginning memory. They slipped out of his heart and into his veins, spreading to every place within him. He disgusted himself. He wished he could stop being so hungry, so greedy, but instead of taking what he wanted, he hid himself away. Because who would ever want him? Who would ever care about him? He was a burden to everyone. He was someone who did not deserve to live.

He had always watched from the shadows, from deep within his own darkness, as others lived their lives happily, with no fear of taking what they wanted and what they needed. They embraced their selfishness in their overwhelming will to live, and it was dirty. Humans were weak and filthy, and they spoiled themselves within their own personal pain but they were all together, somehow. Fingers linked, hand in hand, they continued on, blatant with their own hungers and needs, and kept on. He envied that strength that it took to acknowledge that he was selfish and dirty as well and the courage it took to step forward into the light.

It was hard; especially when he suspected everyone—he even suspected himself. Were his problems really that bad? He wondered if Syaoron was right, if he was just continuing to feel bad for himself despite the fact that others had it worse than he did. It was something in the past; it was so many years ago. Why had he never been able to move on? Would he _ever _be able to move on?

Fai shivered, crossing his arms tightly as he trudged back to his car. He wondered if everything really was just trivial to everyone but himself. It was real to him… but no one, no one really took him seriously. Well, Shuichiro did, but Fai began to wonder if it was just because the man was paid to do so. "Don't think like that," he mumbled to himself. "Don't."

There was no use in worrying about things like that, though the meeting with Syaoron bothered him greatly. It was a very obvious cry for attention. It was too out of character for him. Fai fumbled with his keys, too caught up in thought to pay too much attention to what he was doing. "Shit." He leaned forward and scooped them up, flipping for the right one to jiggle his door open.

With a sigh, Fai dumped all of his things into the backseat before he slid into the driver's side. "Why ask _me_ anyway?" he grumbled. He wasn't close to the boy; he never spent too much time with either of the Li brothers, come to think of it. It was Sakura's influence that brought Shaoran into the Gothix, and Sakura's influence that brought Syaoron along with them. He was always a quiet boy to him, someone a bit bland to Fai, but then again, Fai never tried too hard to get close to either of the Li twins.

Shaoran because, well, it was Shaoran, who was standoffish and sarcastic in a blunt and honest way that Fai almost respected. He knew, however, that Shaoran would probably never forgive him for that first time he'd hurt Sakura—and frankly, Fai didn't blame him. So while it wasn't that they simply tolerated each other, there was a quiet barrier between them that wouldn't be dissolved any time soon. Which was probably for the better. There were too many people in Koryo that were close to him as it was.

He pulled out of the dingy parking lot behind the Tavern, using one of the back alleys to merge back into traffic, promptly coming to a halt at the square's little stoplight.

As for Syaoron, there was no telling what was up with him. Was he angry that he'd hurt Sakura too? Or was he really looking for some way out? He snorted. No way. A quiet, polite kid like that? No. Fai had been surprised that he was even able to get as angry as he did—but that anger… it was justified.

"I'm despicable…" He let the car inch back into motion with the flickering green light in the small intersection, realizing a bit too late that it was far brighter in the car than it should have been.

**XxXxXxX**

He hated hospitals. They reminded him of fear and nervousness; there were too many memories attached to the pristine white walls and the sharp scent of disinfectant and gauze. He stared down at the white tiled floor, feeling both incredibly tired and jittery. He wanted to jump up and just run down the hall screaming and raise hell for everyone, force the doctors to tell him something, anything. This game of waiting was wearing him down, making him grit his teeth, making his heart do funny things and his stomach threaten to rise up his throat.

He shifted on the old chair, the upholstery old and worn thin, the cushions threatening to break and suck him deep within the ancient foam and springs. His fingers curled against the worn wooden arms, smooth with the groves carved from years and years of people who sat there, just like he was now, waiting. Waiting on the big hinged doors to open outwards and show the long white hall with emergency lights and gurneys and the glass windows that led to triage centers and operating rooms, and within the hallway's winding guts, the room where the verdict lie either breathing or dead.

At the moment, it could be either. He could be alive and moderately well, or he could just be gone from this world, cold and decaying, his face blank. He would not know until then, when those doors opened, when the door to the bunker was unlocked. The swinging doors where he now trained his eyes was the Geiger counter, the Schrödinger to their cat, and all he wanted was for the universe to observe him as he was, right then, and force him from this state of dual being. He wanted to know. He needed to know.

But the universe trained its eyes on some other people, some other family huddled in a corner away from them. He dropped his gaze back to the floor, refusing to meet his sister's eyes. His mother was weeping, his father quiet as he held her. He felt like he was failing as a son, as the eldest brother.

He'd been here only once before, feeling this desolate. He was young then, holding his brother's hand as they walked with their mother, who was quiet and sad. Their mother led them to the small room where she had slept for a few days, and told them softly to be careful. She let them go in, and he immediately went to the girl at the bedside, curling his hand into hers as his brother sat on the bed. They were all quiet as the small girl in the bed smiled once and laughed, then simply closed her eyes.

There was nothing to be done then. There was nothing to be done _now_. He pulled his phone from his pocket, looking at his mother. "She should know," he said simply. He dialed her number, reaching out to the small girl whose hand he'd held for so long. He'd let her go to save him, and here they were, even still. Had this been a road, a course, they'd been hurtling towards all their lives? Had they been born for this? In a half-life? Half awake, half dreaming, forever wading through all of the hardships to only fall back into the quagmire?

"_Hello?_"

Just then, the doors swung open, a doctor striding in, face grim. Everyone in their party stood as he made his way to them.

"Well?" his mother asked.

The doctor shook his head; he dropped the phone.

"_Hello? Shaoran-kun, what is it?_"

"We're sorry. We tried all we could. He's gone."

"_Hello! What's going on?_"

And that was that. The universe decided. He was observed; the clock ticked itself away. He was gone, and he was alone. What more could he do? What more could he have done? He gave up everything, everything to help him. He'd given her up, let go of her hand even though he needed to be with her, needed her to live. He needed her to live. But she had to know, and if she so chose to leave with him… What could be done then?

He knelt down to pick the phone up, cradling it against his chest, feeling the tears drip down his nose. They were hot against his face and his hands, falling into perfect circles against his jeans. How could someone just leave like that? Without telling anyone he was going? Without asking for help?

And what more could he do, now? Now that he was gone. If she surely followed then… He just couldn't take it anymore.

"I need you… to come… to the hospital. Now. Syaoron—he—"

**XxXxXxX**

It was really dark. It was so dark; but it was loud. And it hurt. Everything hurt. Why was it dark? The last thing he could remember was a blinding light and something inhuman tearing out of his throat before he was here.

As his mind raced and bounced around the pain burning in every inch of his being, he noticed that the darkness was growing softer, fuzzier.

He opened his eyes and instantly regretted it. Even breathing hurt. He felt like his head was exploding and he had the strong desire to vomit. But there wasn't anything in his stomach—had he already thrown it all up? Or did he just forget that he hadn't eaten? Where was he anyway, and why—it hurt so badly—why?

He opened his mouth to gasp, blood streaming past his lips, hot and sticky. He was bleeding. Somewhere on his face—was that why his head hurt?

"Excuse me, how many fingers am I holding up right now?"

He looked up at a man—or was it a woman? He couldn't tell—everything was too blurry. He brought his eyes down to the man's feet—they were men's shoes at least—and watched them duplicate and swirl, and he threw up in answer—so he had eaten after all. Large black spots ate into his vision and he slumped forward, meeting the gruesome sight of something a morbid shade of pink-stained white poking up through his arm, which was bent in an ungodly angle that made his stomach turn.

The man knelt next to him and covered him with a scratchy blanket and slowly laid him down onto the cold concrete, telling him something about someone arriving soon or whatever. He simply closed his eyes and let himself shiver, tears freely flowing in terror.

What was going on? What in the world? Why couldn't he remember? Why did it hurt so much?

And then it was dark again.

**XxXxXxX**

He felt like a fool. It was as simple as that. Forget feeling like one, he _was _one. He was nothing but a lovesick fool. But he had to do something before it was too late; he had to set this right. It could be his last chance to do so—he had to tell Fai, to set things straight, to let the blonde know everything.

And if Fai so chose to leave him then, well there was nothing to be done. The mistake he had made was his, and his alone. He had chosen in that moment to indulge Fai, and it had broken the boy's heart. He only half-understood in that moment, and even now… He felt so guilty, giving into Fai's request, his heart tugging with guilt. And then…

This was his fault. This was something he had to fix. He'd let Fai continue to play a game of pretend those first few weeks, watching the blonde's heart break every time they came home after a day of fake-flirting and fake love to silence and cold. But he had wanted to punish Fai so badly. He was selfish, and he hadn't finished apologizing for everything he had ever done to hurt the blonde. It was so much. It was almost a manic obsession now. Had he idealized Fai, in his quest to get him back? Had he imagined that Fai had loved him at all?

"_If you love me—!"_

Fai had loved him, somewhere, then. As for now, he didn't know. He certainly hadn't given Fai any reasons to continue loving him, acting like some crazed ex. Standing on tables, tracking him down.

"What am I doing?" he groaned to himself. He sank to the ground in front of Fai's apartment door, listening to sirens wail in the background of the city.

What he'd said would always be there. They could never go back from that, but he had so hoped… He had thought that they could start over, that night. If he set it right, tell Fai what those girls had done, they could have a chance.

But could they really? Had they ever really been okay? Since that first day, the first time he looked into Fai's eyes and lied.

"_Out. Now. I can't stand your face.__ I don't want your stupid promises. Now; I won't waste my breath on you: Never _once_ did I care.__" _

That was the day that he'd lied to both himself and Fai. The day he'd left his own scar deep onto Fai's body. Every time he saw it, the long, wide white scar where Fai'd opened his veins and arteries and capillaries to just let it out, to just let himself die like that, it hurt. It ached. It made him sick to his stomach with sorrow and grief and overwhelming guilt. That night, kneeling on the broken glass, forcing the pill down Fai's throat, forcing himself to lie in that fierce need to protect himself from his own pain rather than sacrifice himself to keep Fai safe was the first step down a long road of hurts. It was the reason he could not lie to Fai that night.

He would always be making up for it. The scars down Fai's forearms might fade with time. The scar on his heart would never leave.

He hoped they could. He hated not being able to wake up to Fai's sleeping face or his laugh and smile. He hated being cold at night without the blonde's incessant snuggling. He missed coming home to Fai belting out songs as he cooked and tripping over guitar cases. He missed finding his room messy with sheet music with Fai in the corner, scribbling away at a score with his headphones on and guitar in his lap as he worked away, face scrunched in concentration. Everything. He missed everything. He'd missed it from the moment he had lost it.

He felt lonely. He'd wake up and just stare at the ceiling, unsure of how he spent his days before Fai was with him, slowly diffusing into every aspect of his life. It was so quiet without Fai, his new apartment so big without another body to share it with.

He'd always been on a quest to be strong, so that nothing else could be lost to him. The best way to do that was to just not care, he had figured. But he was wrong; not caring brought apathy, not strength. It was hard not to care, to push everyone away from him. It was lonely, being like he was, hell bent on being so strong that what he loved would never suffer; it wasn't that they would never be hurt, but only that they would be hurt by him. Not caring did nothing.

Being strong was loving; it was accepting everything and still loving someone. He didn't feel so strong anymore, knowing that even his physical strength could do nothing to keep the ones he cared for from hurting. There was more to life than that. There always had been—he'd just been stubborn and blind.

He flipped his phone open, idly scrolling through the empty inbox and sparse contact list. He'd never been a hugely social person, even when he was a child, but the sheer blankness of his life sort of shocked him. When had he woken up and realized he was alone? When was it that alone had been defined? Was it the moment his parents died; the moment he left the warm complacency of his aunt's care? When…? When? Or could loneliness even be defined in one single spotlight moment, a sudden paradigm shift of the soul?

Could it actually be part of a greater tide, ebbing and flowing with each cycle of people in his life? Had it crested that night he slipped in the growing puddle of his own mother's blood, and simply flowed out of him in tears and fists and blood spilt in fights until it was simply gone, only to come crashing back into him in a tsunami of regret when Fai walked away from him, the receding shadow of the blonde's back leaving him without everything but threads to grasp…?

He hesitated for a moment, wondering if his entire life to this point had been made to come to this moment. But life was a multitude of choices and chances, and so he had to take the dive; he selected Fai's name and let the ringing of the line fill his mind. It was growing later, and even if Fai and the rest of the band had a gig that night, the blonde's phone would still be on until at least six thirty. It was five thirty now.

It rang once before the phone cut him off, the long, flat, tone sounding like the flat-line of a heart monitor.

Some chirpy female voice cut in, easily informing him that the number he'd dialed was no longer in service, turned off, or out of range; maybe he should try dialing again with an area code?

"The fuck…?"

How had he grown so foolish? What had Fai done to him? He never would have imagined that he would be like this; so stubbornly foolish in the face of utter defeat, hanging on to a weak hope of atonement. But he found that he didn't quite regret it. As painful as this all was, he knew it was a part of growing up.

And in that, at least, he was content. So he sat, idly waiting for the blonde to return home, even as the sky began to turn into a watercolor study of dusk, the soft sounds of people wandering home from school and work growing and softening in cycles. He could hear children chattering on the sidewalk, the loud insistency of a timer at dinner time, the echoing murmurs of a television on in a lower level. Life went on. He, too, had to move forward. He couldn't be stuck here, waiting, forever. But that would come at a later time.

He turned his head to stare down at the parking lot below to keep himself from simply dozing off where he sat.

Kurogane watched as a car slid smoothly into a space below the complex, a neatly dressed man stepping out. He nearly looked out of place in jeans and a blazer over a tee-shirt, too clean, too professional even, to live here. He almost looked like he was trying too hard to fit in. His face was vaguely familiar to him, but Kurogane'd seen too many people who he didn't care about to remember them all. He looked back up at the sky, watching it turn pink, then orange with the setting sun. He wondered where Fai went off to.

His attention was drawn again when he heard footsteps up the metal-lined concrete stairs between the floors of the complex. This was the top floor, and Fai, to his knowledge, only had one neighbor, and they'd already came and gone and came again. It could always be a visitor for Fai himself, he reasoned, but it wasn't anyone he recognized at all.

Not, though, to say that he knew all about Fai's life, or was even a huge part of it anymore. But surely, Fai couldn't have any visitors (that he knew of) that weren't him, or Sakura, Shaoran, and Watanuki. It was only slightly baffling, the direct contrast between how outgoing Fai acted and how friendly he actually _wasn't_. So when the man stopped before him, staring down at him suspiciously, Kurogane was actually fairly surprised.

"He's out," Kurogane supplied, not bothering to move from his spot. He leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees.

"And who are you?"

"A friend. Who are _you_?"

The man heaved a sigh and ran his hand through shaggy black hair, eyes closed in frustration. "Likewise, I would say, though he's not making it easy."

"Nothing's ever easy," Kurogane shot back. This guy looked familiar. He wracked his brain, thinking of people he'd met in association with Fai. He couldn't be related to Fai, in any case; even though his eyes were of similar color to Fai's and his father's, their bone structures had nothing in common. This guy wasn't quite as elegant as Fai was or as cruelly smooth as Ashura had been but nonetheless, this man had something to do with Fai and his family.

"Well, in any case; do you know where he _is_?"

"Not returning _your_ calls either?" Kurogane inquired, worry churning in his gut.

"No. Not for at least a week," the man answered, face and voice suddenly becoming cool. "Well. If you see him, tell him that he'd better realize that he won't be staying here long if he continues the way he is."

Kurogane growled, "Is that a threat?"

The man gave a sharp laugh, shaking his head as he turned on his heel; "It's many things, kid, but a threat it's not."

Kurogane rose to his feet, watching as a single hand was raised in parting as the stranger began his descent back from the parking lot. Blood rushed through his body, prickling his limbs as it hit him; the feel of worry and guilt, the feel of Clow's hand gripping his shoulder tightly that night as he tugged him away. He'd barely caught a glimpse of the man, but it was enough; it was such a jarring memory that it surged through his veins, filling him with an irrational fear:

"_Forget what you've seen. For Fai's sake, forget you ever saw that man. If you value any relationship you may have with Fai, you will forget everything you just saw."_

Kurogane rushed to the railings, hands tight against the metal. "Who _are_ you!" he shouted; "And why is Fai being here in Koryo related to _you_! What are you to him?"

The man paused, looking up at Kurogane in interest; "I'm Ohjiro. I don't exist," he said slowly, "And neither does Fai."

"Bullshit! Are you related to that ass of a father of his?" If he was—if he was, Kurogane wasn't sure what would happen. He was near ready to jump over the rails, go flying over all the hurdles between him and what had so intrinsically broken Fai. He needed to escape this darkness, this uncertainty and ignorance. He loved Fai, but was what he loved just the idea of Fai and not the boy himself? That scared him. That terrified him. Fai had to exist. His Fai, his idea of Fai, what he so cherished—it had to be real. It was too close to his heart to not exist. But why—but why? _Why_ was he so scared?

Ohjiro steeled, hands tucked deep into his pocket. "Leave well enough alone, kid. Leave it. Leave Fai. Forget it all; look at is as a dream."

"That's not an option!" He was screaming now, hands so tight around the rusting iron bars that his knuckles were white and his muscles trembling out with the need to act, to do something. "That's never been an option! I can't just leave after everything! I can't forget anything—he's real! He's a real person! He has a heart! He's _alive_, dammit! I can't—I _**can't**_—!"

Ohjiro looked up at Kurogane, regarding the teen seriously. "You're that kid, aren't you? The one he's willing to throw himself away for," he said, finally turning to face Kurogane. "The kid he stopped running for."

"What?" Kurogane leaned forward, eyes wide; "What do you mean? Running—like _drugs_? Fai—Fai's not— 'throw himself away for'? Are you going to hurt him—kill him because of me?"

Ohjiro threw his head back and laughed, the sound filling the landing and dusky air. "You're clueless! You don't know a thing!" he said in amusement, hand coming up to his mouth in what looked like a gesture of severe relief.

"Oi—!"

The man sobered from his sudden fit of irritating enjoyment, hand falling to his hip. He sighed, closing his eyes. "What are _you_ willing to give up to know? Fai himself? Your _life_?"

"What sort of bullshit are you spouting?"

"I said, _would you give up your life to know_?"

Kurogane froze, seeing absolute seriousness in the man's eyes; Ohjiro wasn't messing around. He meant this. "I'm not afraid of dying," he said steadily, even though his world was in turmoil. "But that's not what he wants."

"'That's not what he wants'", Ohjiro repeated, "'That's not what he wants'… That's what I _thought_."

"Don't say it like you think I'm _afraid_!" Kurogane raged, shaking the bar in his hands roughly, old metal rattling as rust swirled down in a miniature maelstrom. He had never been so afraid; that was true, but not in the way this man perceived it to be: He would give his life to protect the ones he loved, if that was the strength he needed; his parents had been that sort of strong. But… but, would his parents be proud of him if he found a _different_ strength? Would they be proud that he'd found someone he loved so much that he was not only willing to _die_ for them, but also to _**live **_for them as well? Because surely, both options were hard, were honorable: **Living**, even, seemed harder than the choice to _die_. "I would die if it were what _he_ wanted! But he wouldn't be able to bear it because he's _alive_, and he's **real**—"

"So… you think you love him." It wasn't a question; it was a statement.

"I don't just **think **so!" Kurogane roared. Was this all he was, a screaming brat? Why couldn't he do anything anymore? Why did it feel like if he let go of the railing, he would simply fall to his knees? Where had the strength he so cherished gone? Why did the sharpness in Ohjiro's eyes unnerve him so? Was it because of Clow's urgings all those months ago—his wrist and head throbbed with the memory of the pain of that night, the confusion. It was all rushing over him; he was bullheaded, he knew, but had he unwittingly rushed into something too large for him to fight through…?

_Fai, what are you into, you idiot? _

"How can you love someone you barely know? How much about him do you _really_ know? You only have ideas; instead of seeing _into _this boy you'd so willingly die for, knowing him completely, you've projected only your own thoughts and feelings onto him," Ohjiro said lazily, flicking his cell phone open as he spoke. "How much of what you know is real? What of it is simply… an illusion?"

"It doesn't matter!" He screamed, so hoping it was true. It didn't matter; no matter what came, it didn't matter. Not the past, not this second, just as long as the future held a Fai that could smile for someone from the bottom of his heart. And even if it didn't, it still didn't matter, because Kurogane loved him. It had to be true; if it wasn't, if what brought them here mattered… He felt as if the world would shatter into a million pieces, breaking the very fabric of space and time itself.

"Even if it means that the Fai you know doesn't exist anywhere except for there?" Ohjiro inquired, pointing straight to Kurogane's chest. "In _your_ heart and mind?"

"The past—what happened then doesn't matter! It doesn't matter; I love the Fai that I saw in front of me, the parts of him that I could only see when he let his guard down, and _even__ the__ parts that don't exist_!"

The man's cell phone brightened in his hand, the soft industrial ring of a phone that had never once been personalized filling the tense silence. "How quaint," he said finally, eyes darting back up to Kurogane with a knowing shake of his head; "But you have no idea of the ramifications your actions will cause. I advise that you forget everything; there's more than one way to lose your life kid, and it's not always pleasant. Go back to your family, to your friends, and just forget that Fai Flowright ever existed. Because he _didn't_ then, he doesn't now, and he _**never** will_."

"Why is it so important to you that I understand everything about Fai? Why do you keep saying he doesn't exist?"

"I can't say. That's just what it is," Ohjiro said with a shrug, putting his phone up to his ear, effectively ending their conversation. "Hello? Yes. …I see. I'm on my way. What's the condition like? …Yes. Give me about fifteen minutes."

Kurogane sank to the concrete floor as Ohjiro's voice drifted away, cut off by the slam of a car door. The roar of an engine turning over echoed in his ears, the memory of Clow's strained voice raced through his mind:

"_No one can tell you, Kurogane; it just is." _

He was filled with more questions than answers, the most prominent being about Fai's whereabouts. The blonde was the only one who could answer any of his questions, but catching Fai was like catching a ripple in the water—impossible.

**XxXxXxX**

He was gradually becoming aware that there was light, after all. He followed it, chasing it with his consciousness in an attempt to bring himself up out of the dark. As the light grew brighter, it became increasingly apparent that there was something _wrong_—he hurt all over. In some places it was sharp and raw, in others, it was simply a dull ache like he had the flu. It felt like he'd been run over by a truck.

With that thought, the light suddenly grew brighter, un-focusing and splitting into two beams of light that, with a comprehension that was so sudden and jarring that it threw him into consciousness again, he realized was a car.

His eyes opened. The oh-so-hated familiar white walls and sickly green tiled floors surrounded him once more, seemingly alive with the breath of slow, steady beeps and hums of the hospital proper. He turned his head with no small amount of pain, the glass-paned wall furthest from him revealing a bustling nurse's station and several more closed rooms. Closer to him, though, was the normal IV set; he followed the tubing down to find that his left arm was bound in a sling, pressed close to his sore chest, and covered with a cast. His first thought was disappointment, since it was simply white (he'd have preferred a neon-colored one, but oh well); his second was bewilderment.

"Car crash."

Fai turned his head, looking up over at Clow, who was inexplicably present in his uniform looking almost out of place in his duty. "What?" His mouth was dry, and god it hurt to talk. He raised his uninjured hand up, gingerly touching his face. Gauze covered the left side, where it was sorest; he slipped his fingers under, feeling the itchy ridges of stitches. "Oh, _ow_…"

"Do you want me to call a nurse for you?"

"No… ngh. Can you get me a cup of water or something?" Fai mumbled, biting down on the inside of his cheek. What had happened? He was driving back from the Tavern, it was getting dark. He'd been agitated after meeting with Syaoron, he knew. Had he been that out of it?

Clow stood, striding over to the small bathroom where a pitcher sat on the dingy sink. He poured the water into a Styrofoam cup; "Do you want to know what happened?"

"…um, yeah. I'm a little fuzzy on the details," Fai murmured thankfully, taking the cup with a small grimace and a shaky hand. "The last thing I really remember was being at the café downtown with Syaoron-san—I was driving home from that… and… here I am…"

"Well, you were unconscious, and the other driver bolted," Clow said with a wrinkle of his nose; "But people on the square said that the other driver ran the red-light and ran straight into your side. They said it looked like they were on a cell phone or something of the like. You hit your head pretty hard, you know," he said mildly.

"Well fuck." Fai paused and flushed softly, realizing he was in the presence of Clow-the-officer, not the laid-back Clow he was more used to—Clow as a father and friend. He looked hesitantly up at the adult to gauge his reaction.

"Sounds appropriate," Clow chuckled. "I'm going to need you to do some papers for us, to wrap it all up. You should call your insurance when you have the chance. I'll give you the report number."

Fai groaned and sunk into the scratchy sheets, staring up at the ceiling, "Yeah."

Clow laughed softly, sinking back into his chair; "How are you doing, other than the obvious broken arm and busted lip and stitches and probable concussion?"

The blonde gave a cynical chuckle, covering his eyes with his uninjured arm; "Better, I guess. It's still really hard. But… thank you for calling Shuichiro for me. It helped. A lot."

"I wish it was sooner," Clow said softly. "Growing up is hard, and so is life. But you shouldn't get to the point where you don't feel like it's even worth speaking anymore."

"Yeah," the blonde murmured, "Yeah. I just… wish someone would listen. Someone who mattered… not that, you know, you or Shuichiro don't—I… I just… "

"One day," Clow replied sagely, "It becomes apparent that those who _won't_ listen are those who **don't** matter. And while it doesn't stop hurting, you realize that sometimes people matter more to _you_ than _you_ do to **them**; it's a personal choice. Knowing that brings a certain sort of peace."

Fai turned his head, staring out at Clow from under his arm, face clearly disbelieving. "That makes no sense. And also, it just plain _sucks_. What if I don't matter to _anyone_ at all?"

Clow stood, "That, too, is a choice, you know: Choosing to believe that there isn't anyone out there who you would matter to, Fai. Well. I'm off. Your guardian's been waiting patiently for me to get out and for you to wake, so I'll go grab him for you."

"_What_…?"

"Your guardian. It says so on your records," Clow said slowly, an undecipherable look crossing his features; "To call him if anything 'major' happens. The nurses thought that this counted as major."

"Oh…" Fai let his eyes close again, extreme exhaustion taking over; "Will you call a nurse? I… don't feel well." He didn't feel like seeing Ohjiro; he hadn't called in the past week. He hadn't checked in. The man was surely furious with him—but then, Ohjiro seemed to be perpetually frustrated with him lately, so it wasn't anything earth-shattering. But he was so tired and everything hurt. Could he manage just a little bit of sleep before the man came…?

"I can do that," the officer answered quietly. "It's… the least I can do for you." Clow slipped from the room, closing the door lightly behind him, careful to not disturb Fai. He'd heard and understood the disappointment and guilt in Fai's voice when he'd asked for a nurse, but he'd also heard a great fatigue there too. Poor kid—he never knew that he'd still be tied to children like that when he'd come to Koryo for the first time all those years ago. But fate was fate.

He found Ohjiro by the nurse's station, talking intently to the nurse who'd admitted Fai. Clow smiled, "Excuse me, miss, but he's asked for a nurse." The woman tutted softly, and excused herself, leaving Ohjiro and Clow alone.

"Reed," Ohjiro acknowledged, rising from his seat to shake Clow's hand.

"Mihara."

"You seem to always be around when something happens to him," Ohjiro murmured, tipping his head to the side, arms crossed.

"What can I say?" Clow laughed, shrugging with his palms out; "I happen to be on duty when it's busiest. And Fai has a bit of a penchant for trouble."

"Something like that."

"Though, I wonder, if his proclivity towards utter disaster is really his fault at all," Clow murmured softly, glancing back towards the blonde's room. "…Or do you have ulterior motives?"

"_Excuse me_! I should be the one asking you! I don't care if you're a policeman or married to that witch of a lawyer, you're _retired_, Reed! Don't stick your nose in where it's not _authorized_ to go!"

"I don't see how that really has anything to do with ruining a child's life, Mihara," Clow said coolly. "Things were done differently when I was there; you all really dropped the ball on this case. … So… Is it guilt or is it love that's keeping Fai here so long? Are you trying to make up for what happened by giving him what he wants, or are you trying to _silence_ an… _unwilling_ player?"

Ohjiro gaped at the older man, then sank back to his chair, hand over his mouth. "…what are you insinuating, Reed?" he murmured, "…what dangerous words…"

"I was never one to do things half-heartedly," Clow supplied cheerily, leaning against the station desk.

"I try my best to be professional in this, Reed, I do," Ohjiro said helplessly, looking up at the man.

"I don't doubt that. I really don't."

The two lapsed into silence as the nurse made her way back; "Excuse me, Mihara-san, Flowright-san asked for you to come see him. You may have to make it quick, since I administered a round of painkillers that may put him to sleep," she advised, nodding to herself as Ohjiro rose from his seat. "As I was saying, we don't think that there's any real risk of serious damage, but we'd like to observe him if you'd like to spend the night."

Ohjiro gave an easy grin that didn't quite reach his eyes; "It'll depend on what he has to say," he laughed. "He's an incredibly stubborn and independent kid."

The nurse nodded, "I have one like that myself, sir. Clow-san, would you like to take a seat while I pull up the files you need for your report?"

Ohjiro stepped away, Clow's amicable conversation with the nurse filling his ears. What was it with this town? No one here knew how to mind their business. First that kid, and then _Clow _ of all people questioning him, his motives, everything. He wasn't a rookie anymore. He wasn't going to make mistakes anymore. He was going to do what was best for the case—the _case_!

He stepped into the room, clearing his throat by way of getting Fai's attention. "What's with you and getting hurt?"

"Unlucky, I guess," Fai said flatly, turning to look at Ohjiro.

The man flinched softly, wincing as he regarded the blonde. Fai's skin was already mottled with bruises and flecked with cuts that he assumed was from glass breaking. His arm was in its cast, and the boy looked plain exhausted. But this wasn't the worst state Ohjiro had seen the blonde in. "I've seem to have heard that before," he said, humor failing him. He used to be pretty carefree, but this job… It was so serious. Everything was. Maybe he _deserved_ to be questioned.

Ohjiro made sure that the door was soundly closed and locked behind himself before moving forward to settle into the chair that he knew, until a few minutes previously, had been occupied by Clow. Fai did not look at him, but rather at the ceiling. "You haven't checked in this week."

"My phone broke."

"_Again_?" Ohjiro interjected skeptically.

"Yeah. It fell out of my pocket over the edge of the railing at the apartment. It's in pieces now," Fai muttered; "I haven't had the chance to buy a new one. Busy."

"Your school's been reporting you absent," Ohjiro remarked, "Big red flag. I doubt you've been too busy."

"Oh will you just fucking **stop**?" Fai shouted, bolting upright to glare down at Ohjiro, wincing violently with the movement. "Everything I do is a red flag, alright? When I do as much as _breathe_ on my own, you worry because I'm not being the picture perfect little witness, holed away in some safe house while you try to breathe down my father's neck to catch him with enough to send him back to court!"

"Yuui, it's already begun," Ohjiro murmured, "I know your family's been in contact with you after your father's visit. Do you really think that we'd not keep an eye on your records after that? I know we've messed up in the past, and underestimated the power behind your family; I've even failed you personally… but we're not _completely_ inept."

Fai bit down on his lip and looked away; "I don't care," he growled. "Spy on me all you want if it makes you feel like you have control."

"I wanted for you to tell me yourself," Ohjiro continued, louder this time, "But you're dead set against any protection I could offer you. Like you _want_ to die. When will you give this idea up that you'll live happily ever after here? All that's here is _death_."

"But I want to stay here. I want to live."

"You have nothing to stay here for. Staying in this town will _kill _you."

"I don't care. If I'm going to die, I'd like to do it on my own terms."

"He's asking questions about you; he _saw_ me."

Fai's face faltered briefly as he fidgeted; "That's your own fault."

"Yuui. It's time to move on. They've made contact several times. Do you understand you've broken so many rules; I've violated so much procedure? We're drowning in red tape here."

"So let us drown. I'm done with this."

"So you'll let _him_ die?"

"…he…he won't. That's why I…why I ended it." Fai was failing now, his voice weak, hand shaking against the sheets. It killed Ohjiro to do this, but someone had to tell Fai the truth. Or maybe, he just needed to face the truth himself.

"He's scared, Yuui. I _saw_ it. He's desperate and furious and he's let his emotions take him over. He'll start looking, start asking questions in the wrong places. He'll seek you out, and it will end him."

Tears leaked slowly down the boy's swollen face, soft whimpering inhales punctuating the silence; "…can't he come with me? Can't I tell him, so he can come with me?"

"…I don't think so."

"Can't I have more _time_?"

Ohjiro looked away from the blonde, face contorted in a mix of guilt and sorrow. He opened his mouth, then sighed with a helpless shake of his head. "Yuui… I know. It's hard even on me; I've been with your case since it started. I remember you from the day the local police called us in, terror in their voices. _We have his kid_, they said. I didn't expect you to be so small or scared. _He won't talk_, they said. I thought you were protecting your father, your family; it never occurred to me before I walked into the police station to find you hiding under desks from the noise and the people, that you were protecting yourself. I know. I know how hard this is, and how little you've asked of us all these years when we've asked so much of you. Too much, even, than we should have asked for from a child. I know that you've never asked for anything that could make you happy, nothing at all. I know you think you've betrayed and been betrayed by everyone you loved, that you don't deserve to ask anyone for anything… I've never forgotten, Yuui. I don't think I can." He closed his eyes and tipped his head back, hands folded in his lap; "If… If you continue to report in each day… and keep yourself low, I'll… I'll make it so you don't have to move for the moment."

"And… Kurogane?"

"I can't do anything about him, Yuui. If he asks the wrong questions and becomes a target, maybe. Maybe. But, secondhand information does us no good. _You_ are who we need. You will win us this case and outlive the reign of terror your father started."

"…Ohjiro," Yuui murmured, looking down at his hand in his lap; "I don't want to. I don't want to relive it, I just… I want to move on. I don't want to stand up and be gawked at by people who will just pity me… I want… I want to stay here, where there are people who could know, and who would still love me without a shred of guilt and selfishness. I want to live in the light. I don't want to die and leave behind nothing but a shadow-child with a thousand names and faces that no one recognizes."

"I know, Yuui, I know," Ohjiro murmured, sounding like his heart was breaking for the boy in the hospital bed. He knew the answer to Clow's question. He'd known it all along, ever since the small blonde boy had clung to his hand so tightly that the small fingers were shaking around his own had cried in front of him, and deigned him safe to talk to all those years ago. He'd been with the case so long, acted as Yuui's guardian for so long, the boy felt like brother or a son. "But we don't exist. Not really."

And this boy he cherished… Well, Yuui hated him. And he didn't blame the boy. All he existed for was pain, for ripping Yuui from one life to another, for taking every last shred of hope and safety and love away from him in the name of some twisted justice that he himself had lost sight of years ago.

"I _want_ to exist," Yuui begged him—but no, he was not Yuui, Ohjiro saw in that moment: He was _Fai_. Out of all the people he'd ever been, the blonde was real here as Fai. He couldn't decide whether it was simply ironic that he'd found a life as his dead brother, or just heartrendingly tragic. Ohjiro closed his eyes in pain, the words of the boy echoing through his head.

"_Fai's real! He exists!" _

"You do, you do, and that's what's dangerous."

"Because of my father?"

"No," Ohjiro said softly, rising, "No. Because of your own soul… Get…get some sleep. I'll see… what I can do. Just—do what I told you." He moved to the door, everything rioting within him.

"Ohjiro…" Fai called as the man opened the door; "Thank you… for listening to me."

"…no problem…"

Clow was waiting for him; sitting in a chair with his arms crossed, looking expectantly. He hung his head, standing in front of his mentor from so many years ago, the man he'd looked up to so much, who'd devastated him by showing his clay feet. "…my motives…aren't what they should be," he said quietly, "…I'm… not fit to do my job. I'm too attached to him; I've come to look at him like my own child."

"I fail to see how that makes you unfit for your job. Your job is to keep him from harm. In my time, I've come to find that parents, perhaps, are the fiercest protectors of all. Come, let's go and have a chat."

**XxXxXxX**

It was truly dark out now, the slight chill of the night sinking into his bones. Even if Fai had practice, or a concert tonight, he should have returned by now, Kurogane knew. So where was he?

At work, maybe? No… no, Watanuki had seen to it that Fai wasn't working this week, or at any time that Kurogane could find, even. Dinner? Something? His mouth grew dry in sudden fear, stomach flipping over in his body as his heart grew painfully light. Fai'd been in a state, he knew, this past week… and that man from before couldn't contact him either… Fai's phone was never _off_. Never. Even if Fai was ignoring his calls, it would at least _ring_.

…What if he had done the unthinkable again? Gone away somewhere… where no one could find him, could reach him… Kurogane stood, shrugging off his bag from his shoulders, blood running cold in his veins. No. There would be no way… surely. That couldn't be possible; he wouldn't… even think—and yet.

He dumped the entirety of his bag out onto the concrete, kneeling to go through the mess anxiously. Where… where? He opened up his bag all the way, shaking it; the soft jingle of keys filled the air as they tumbled out from the very depths of Kurogane's backpack, and into his lap. He snatched them up and stood, tossing the now very much empty bag onto the pile of crumpled notes and textbooks before fumbling with the keys with shaking hands.

Fai had never taken back his key; Kurogane kept it with a sort of guilt, unable to bear the humiliation and finality of giving it back to the blonde. He hated just barging into Fai's apartment like he was about to, but—but…

He shakily pressed the key to the lock, the metallic click of the deadbolt sliding away from the door filling Kurogane with even more dread. He stepped into the dark entryway, hand coming up to the wall to guide him. "Fai?" he called, "Oi—Fai are you here?"

There was no answer; in fact, upon further inspection, the entire apartment was empty. It looked like it had been hit by a hurricane, though. Clothes and books and musical score littered the flat; the only room that wasn't a wreck was the tiny alcove of a kitchen, which was a sure sign that Watanuki had been in the apartment recently. Kurogane wearily stepped towards the dingy living area, sinking into the old sofa that looked like it had been Fai's bed for the last few days. The blonde's scent overwhelmed him as he leaned forward to put his head into his hands.

So Fai wasn't here. That didn't mean, however, that Fai wasn't dead in a ditch somewhere, and that scared Kurogane far more than he really wanted to admit. Though, Fai's guitar and pedal set was missing from the apartment, so it was simply possible that the Gothix had to perform. Kurogane moved to haul himself up off of the couch, the motion dislodging a notebook from the arm of the sofa. It tumbled open, dark ink stark against the white lined pages:

_I felt a funeral in my brain/ And mourners, to and fro,/ Kept treading, treading, till it seemed/ That sense was breaking through…_

"What the—" The fear had begun to sink into his bones again. The words looked familiar, almost like an echo. It had something to do with school, his brain supplied softly, but his irrationality won over and told him that Fai was dead. He was dead and dying and it was his fault.

His heart stopped with that one thought, the buzz of his phone in his pocket punctuating his fears. He slowly drew it out, staring at the name.

_Sakura Kinomoto _

"Fuck." He answered it, hesitantly pressing the phone to his ear. "Yeah?"

"_You need to come to the hospital._"

Kurogane was running out the door before Sakura had even finished; her voice was grave and it was quiet. It was filled with guilt and sorrow. There could only be one reason. Nothing could make him stop.

"_Syaoron…he's… he's gone._"

He stopped. The entire _world_ stopped.

"What?"

**XxXxXxX**

How he had even managed to be functional enough to call his friends, he didn't know. He only consciously remembered calling Sakura—maybe _she_ had called the cavalry. That made more sense. He didn't want to share this pain. He wanted to hold it inside of him and let it eat him alive.

He was aware of her cool fingers against his hair, the small body perched on the arm of the sofa in a small room the hospital had provided for them. His arms were around her for the first time in weeks, and she was shaking even though she was silent. How had he managed to let her go? He'd held her hand so tightly, even when she avoided him when she was too shy to admit that she loved him, too angry with herself for letting her sister go.

He was angry with himself, too. But he had to hold onto her. She was the only one who knew, who understood how to stand upright and continue with grief. He couldn't ask Fai how to cope. Fai couldn't. He understood why now. This was overwhelming, all-consuming, this tsunami of heartache that had swept him away. It wouldn't be hard to close his eyes to everything but this pain and let it seep into his bones and very soul and simply never open his eyes again.

"What happened?"

He could hear Watanuki's voice, soft and shaking, yet still strong with maturity that Shaoran could never quite figure out. How had Watanuki, the spazz with the age complex, be the most steady, the most mature of them all? Was it Yuuko's influence? Clow's? Or maybe that it was simply that he had to grow up long before they'd even understood the concept of adulthood. But Shaoran could not bear to be the one to lash out now, his normal dry sarcasm ripped from him. Sakura's hand trembled and her breath stopped softly before returning to her slow ministrations.

Her voice was surprisingly strong. "He's gone."

"What?"

"Syaoron's gone… There's nothing more than that," she said.

Shaoran looked up at her. Her face was hard, tears filling up against her lashes and her mouth twisted bitterly. He knew that she hated herself for what happened. Blamed herself.

But this was blame they could share.

"We're all responsible," Shaoran said softly. "Just as we all would have been responsible if Fai died, this is our fault. More so, even… since we… never tried to help him. I… didn't understand the way I should have."

There was a sound of flesh hitting the metal door, the thud loud, echoed with the crack of knuckles as they compressed and popped with the force. "This isn't a game of blame," someone said roughly. Shaoran turned, looking up at the doorway.

Kurogane stood, looking sick. He was pale under his tan and his eyes were red. His hand was shaking against where he'd punched the door. He met Shaoran's eyes and looked down, his shoulders hunched with a weight that he didn't know Kurogane could carry. Who had called him? And _why_? Kurogane was Fai's. He was _Fai's_ protector, _Fai's _friend and lover. How could _he_ understand?

But then he remembered; his brother had been Kurogane's protégé in the kendo club. As far as friendships went with Kurogane, he was fairly sure that Syaoron had been a close friend. It made sense. Who had called all these people, _really_? Since she'd arrived, Sakura had never left his side. She had nothing on her, but maybe her phone—he hadn't seen it if she had it (but then he'd been blind to a lot, hadn't he). She'd come as she'd been when he called, a rare sight of her in jeans and a tee-shirt, without decoration, without anything. He didn't even know how she'd gotten here; probably Touya (then where was _he_).

"Then what is it, then?" Shaoran countered.

"Don't know," Kurogane replied brusquely. "I don't know." His fist clenched against the door; "This isn't—even if it were Fai… the blame… rests solely on them," he said, "Because they chose. This is what they decided. Doesn't mean we're not guilty, doesn't mean we're not a reason why…I said it before, I said it about Fai… But this isn't a game, passing blame back and forth like it's a present. This is life. This isn't a game," he said, then stepped forward and sunk to the ground, face in his hands. "Dammit. How didn't I know?"

"How didn't any of us know?" Watanuki said quietly, "…We grew up with him. We… all knew… that—"

Sakura closed her eyes tightly, shoulders shaking. "He didn't want anyone to know," she cried, "I—I just thought… maybe he felt lonely…That if—if I was with him, it would be okay… If Shaoran-kun was there too…"

"He didn't ask for help," Shaoran said.

"He asked to leave," Sakura said faintly. "He asked me to leave with him. If I had said yes—"

"It wouldn't be any different," Watanuki murmured. "I'm sorry, but, Sakura-chan, you're different from Tsubasa-chan. If that's who he wanted…"

"I _know_," Sakura said tersely. "But—! Maybe if I had tried harder—if—!"

"It wouldn't have done anything!" Shaoran snapped. "Kurogane's right! Nothing could have helped him at all."

"I don't want to be right," Kurogane muttered mournfully.

Shaoran looked up at Kurogane, then turned away, eyes closing. He couldn't hold it in anymore. He was angry, he was sad, he was guilty. He pressed his palms to his eyes, shoulders shaking. "Dammit—" He let the tears fall then, unable to bear the weight of the world that was coming down on him. Who would he laugh with? Who would he joke with? Tease? Pull pranks on? Get pranked by? His brother was gone. Just gone. Syaoron had decided that life didn't mean anything, that his own twin brother didn't mean anything to him. Their parents, their sisters, the friends he'd left behind… none of them meant anything, none of them were enough to try and stay. "Selfish bastard—!"

Sakura held him tightly; through his tears, he could hear her say something, it didn't matter what. As long as she was still there, still breathing, that was all that mattered to him then. He could hear the door close, and he knew they were alone. He reached blindly out and took her hand. "Don't you dare leave me too—"

**XxXxXxX**

"I… I don't believe it," Watanuki said quietly, looking up at Kurogane.

The elder shook his head in agreement, mouth tight. "…I guess we should start," he replied.

Watanuki was silent for a long moment as they walked down the halls aimlessly. "You were really close to him?"

"…Not recently," Kurogane said bitterly, "Not when he needed it. But… after she died, he started coming to coach's classes in the rec center… He said he wanted to be stronger. I understood that, and so coach paired us off… since no one wanted to pair with me anyway."

"That was right after…?"

"Yeah," Kurogane said quietly. He sighed heavily as he followed Watanuki into the nearly empty hospital cafeteria. "In a way, it helped us both. …I guess me more than him. …Shit."

"…Kurogane-san, do you really believe what you said back there?"

Kurogane looked up at Watanuki curiously; "What part?"

"That… it's not our fault," the slighter boy whispered quietly, grabbing a Styrofoam cup filled to fill it with watery coffee, hands shaking.

Kurogane looked up at the ceiling, eyes closed. "We can be part of the problem, just like we can be a part of the solution," he said, "But that's all we are. A part." Grief settled into his heart, weighing against his shoulders and words. "There's far more than what we just do. You should know that," he reminded Watanuki; "It's, in the end, just a choice. The only hurt and pain that's fatal in life is the last one. And you can choose that last hurt."

"Not always," Watanuki reminded Kurogane softly, dropping a dollar into the cashier's waiting hands, waving away the change anxiously.

"No, not always," Kurogane answered. "Not always, but mostly. The times where your choices are truly and utterly taken away from you are rare… There's always some sort of choice… even if you yourself don't recognize it."

Watanuki met Kurogane's eyes and shivered slightly. Was this what Fai saw all the time? This blatant honesty and humanity in Kurogane, aged with shocking wisdom and guilt and sorrow? He'd never noticed; Kurogane had always been one of Clow's troubled kids, the angry boy who lashed out at everyone when his parents were killed, who could probably kill someone with his bare hands if he wanted to. Who had killed someone when he'd wanted to, probably. He'd somehow been less than human to Watanuki, someone who was just _there_. And then Fai came along, the poor pitiful thing that he was, with smiles and laughter stained with tears—he came and turned Kurogane into something _human_, somehow. But Watanuki didn't know if Kurogane had always been like this, with his own sorrows and humanities… and he had just always missed it, or if it was something that Fai instilled into Kurogane. Or was it a change in his own heart?

Kurogane sighed and broke Watanuki's gaze, shaking his head; "We all have times like that, you know? Where you say you have no other choices but to do one thing… but you really _do_. You can choose _not _to do it… Though, knowing… Knowing doesn't make it easier to choose, when the time comes."

"You sound experienced."

Kurogane's laugh was like a bark, all tension and sarcastic amusement; "You don't know the half of it. …That's why, it's okay, to feel guilt… but the blame… is not yours. Or mine. That's why it's worthless to think in what ifs…" He paused as he looked down on his hands, turning them in his gaze. He clenched his fists once before relaxing and letting his hands fall; "…so why am I still thinking like that? I know better than to think like that, so _why _do I still think that way?" he asked, sounding for the first time utterly lost and young. To Watanuki, he sounded like a small child.

It clicked in Watanuki, then; the both of them had always been human, always, but because they were human, they were wrapped in their own pain until this moment. And always would be unless they grew the strength to reach out from the darkness and up into the light. "…because we're human. Because we were left behind, and that's what living means—shouldering the guilt of the things that died so that we could live, because without that death…"

"How would we know we were alive, right?" Kurogane laughed with a small shrug.

"Yeah. Like that."

The two fell silent, threading through empty tables and fluorescent lights to a suitable table, one that was furthest from the few remaining visitors. It wasn't an entirely uncomfortable silence, but it was a heavy one.

"…Say, Watanuki," Kurogane broached carefully, "…How is Fai doing?"

Watanuki sighed, dumping another pack of sugar into his coffee. "He's… _doing_, I guess," he said in a begrudging manner that suggested that Fai was simultaneously okay yet… _other _at the same time. "I guess I don't know."

"What does that mean?" Kurogane shifted slightly in his seat, watching Watanuki's face go from guarded to simply weary.

"You… put him in a bad way," Watanuki said with a sip of his lukewarm drink. He made a face that suggested it was far from his standard, but he continued to drink anyway. "Clow-san called his therapist the other day, and after, it was better. We had a concert tonight… before… we got the call." He paused, looking up into Kurogane's gaze again as he frowned. "He sang for you tonight. He cried."

"Watanuki, I know you won't believe me, but—"

Watanuki held up a hand, "I heard from Yuuko-san earlier. I doubt Fai will be pleased that you nearly beat up a girl in anger, no matter _what _she did. …The fact remains that you planted the seed that caused Fai to react the way he did. …Or maybe it had always been there, I don't know. I just… he hurts. Because of you."

Kurogane sighed and fell back into brooding. Watanuki fidgeted guiltily, rolling the Styrofoam cup between his palms. He turned away to look towards the doorway, falling back into his habit of people-watching in the now-awkward silence that followed. He frowned.

"Hey, it's Clow-san," he murmured, raising a hand to wave his guardian over.

Kurogane turned and looked, watching in mild curiosity as Clow made his way over from the doors to their table.

"Hello," Clow greeted. He smiled warmly, even though his face was shot with exhaustion. "I assume you've heard, then?"

Watanuki nodded, looking away from his guardian into his coffee, "Yeah. Sakura-chan called us… Clow-san, how did you find out?"

"I was at the scene of the accident," Clow replied, sliding into a chair.

"Accident?" Watanuki repeated, frowning in confusion, "It wasn't an accident, he…it was suicide—" he choked out with a shake of his head.

"…I think we may be talking about different things entirely," the man finally said, face paling. "…I'm talking about Fai-san's accident—what in the world—?"

The next few words had barely left Clow's mouth before Kurogane stood bolt upright, face as pale as a sheet. "What?"

"There was an accident tonight involving Fai-san, and I'm assuming you'll want his room number?" Clow asked in what sounded like exhausted amusement as Kurogane stood so fast from his seat that the chair itself toppled over.

"Yes—"

"108 A."

"Watanuki, I'm sorry—" Kurogane said hurriedly, "Tell the others—I—I have to—"

Watanuki waved him away; "I doubt they'll notice," he sighed, watching Kurogane bolt off.

Clow watched the boy run off before turning back to his son, "Now, Kimihiro… what…_who_… were you talking about?" he asked cautiously.

"Syaoron Li," Watanuki said with a shake.

"Oh god…" Clow breathed, reaching out to grasp Watanuki's shoulder tightly. "When…?"

"Just this evening," Watanuki said, bewildered, "When else?"

"It's just that… Fai told me he was with him before his accident," Clow said faintly, turning his head to look out the door that Kurogane had left through.

**XxXxXxX**

Even though Clow said 'accident', Kurogane was still terrified to face Fai. What if accident was a euphemism for 'Fai tried, but failed, to kill himself once again'? The news of Syaoron's death still rattled within him, stirring up a visceral fear that would not dissipate. He knew it wouldn't leave him until he saw Fai alive and breathing outside of the hospital walls, until he could touch and hear the blonde, until he was sure that any image of Fai he saw alive was not a hallucination of a grief-stricken mind.

He knew that the hundred-numbered rooms were furthest from the ICU and closer to the ER, though it was incredibly plausible to put someone in there after a surgery… but then if Fai was a suicide attempt, he'd be in the psychiatric wards again once stable, for twenty-four hour observation and watch. He _knew _all these things, but adrenaline and exhaustion and utter terror mixed in his mind and veins and congealed into this massive ball of fear that weighed so heavily in his stomach that he was afraid he'd simply collapse in on himself from the gravity of it. He knew these things, he knew that Clow wouldn't be so calm if Fai was dying or wanting to die, that he looked like a fool, eyes rimmed red with held back tears and stress as he skidded along the linoleum floors in stupid worn down Converses that had absolutely no grip, book-bag thudding against his side, but it didn't matter to him, because for once, he was chasing after Fai, and for once… there may be a small window of a chance for him this time.

He paused only once when he reached Fai's room, hand hovering hesitantly over the handle as he peered into the windowed wall, the blinds across it only half-closed to show a dim picture of an IV and a monitor and a half, a pale figure laid out on the bed. He took a deep breath and slipped into the small room, avoiding looking at the blonde in the half-light until he was at the bed itself.

Fai was there, eyes closed, battered and looking worse for wear, but very obviously still alive and very evidently there because of something larger than a blade to the wrist. Kurogane sank into the bedside chair in relief, breath leaving his lungs in a gust of a sigh, body shaking as the adrenaline drained from his system. He never thought he'd be so relieved to see Fai so beat up in his life.

He reached out, fingers skimming Fai's cheek as gently as possible, brushing a pale blonde curl from the bruising face. Fai's entire body was littered with small little scratches and bruises, but the worse was on his left. His face was already a sick yellow color tinged with the purple of a deep, painful bruise, the mottled skin broken with gauze butterfly-bandaged in a thick square over what was probably stitches, his arm bound in a cast supported by a sling.

Fai flinched slightly at the touch, eyes fluttering open sleepily. It couldn't have been too long since Ohjiro had left him to sleep; he didn't feel any less tired or any more stiff. Maybe it was a nurse checking on his stitches—he wasn't really sure, but the touch was comforting and warm. It was too rousing to ignore it. The touch had been tentative and too cautiously curious; whoever was behind it wanted badly for him to wake. He sighed quietly as the room blearily came into focus, turning his head towards the chair Ohjiro and Clow had used earlier. He looked up, starting as his eyes met Kurogane's gaze. "Ah—"

Kurogane looked away briefly in guilt as he heard Fai's unsteady gasp, eyes darting back up to meet blue ones as he ran his hand through his hair sheepishly. "When Clow said that you were here, I was afraid we'd lost you too," he said simply as he turned his head slightly away. He couldn't meet Fai's eyes in his own relief that brought him so much guilt. Guilt for being the reason they were at this point, guilt for not being with Fai to protect him, guilt for being so relieved that Fai was alive and not suicidal to the point that he'd forgotten about Syaoron, guilt that he'd forgotten the boy at all, guilt for being alive throughout it all; it fell in layers in his heart, solidifying into some sort of sick and twisted stratiographic indicator of his life in loss.

"Me… _too_?"

Kurogane looked up at that, Fai's voice. It was quiet and soft, but it shook. He couldn't tell why.

Fai shook with a terrifying anticipation; Kurogane was so near to him that he wanted to reach out and simply sink into the elder's arms, where he would be safe and warm. But there was something, somewhere within him that horrified him to his core. Kurogane had said 'too', so who else… who had died? Who had been lost? He bit down on his lip hard, noticing everything at once about the elder. How disheveled he looked; how his hand was bruised and scratched like something hard had been punched, how his hair stood on end, his normally casually styled spikes pulled out into something a bit more harried looking by worrying fingers; his eyes were dark and rimmed red. Who had died— who had made this man _cry_, of all things?

"Yeah," Kurogane said simply, shrugging. "But, you're okay. …Relatively."

"You were scared." It wasn't a question; there was no need for questions. Fai could read the relief etched deep into every inch of Kurogane's body, as well as the exhaustion that deep terror could sink into every plane of someone's existence; it was in his eyes, the way his shoulders bowed forward as he sunk into a slight slouch in the chair. It was in the shaking tension of the way he kept clenching his fists against his knees as he rest his weight on his elbows, and in the downward curve of his lips—all this and more. Fai could read Kurogane plainly, and it rather worried him that the normally so stoic boy was letting himself be read so easily.

"Yeah."

Fai paused, body giving a violent tremor under the thin blankets. Everything ached with the strain of sitting up off the pillows, sore muscles screaming for relief. He turned slightly to face Kurogane properly, frowning; "Kurogane," he said, not too kindly, "What are you doing here?"

Kurogane sighed once, looking down at his hands again. "…I… Sakura called me earlier," he said finally, giving an unwilling fidget as his voice cracked and dropped to barely a whisper. "Syaoron… he—"

Fai reached out against his will; it didn't matter what his broken heart or his senses said, seeing Kurogane so openly distressed pulled at something deep within him. He knew at that moment that it didn't matter how resolute he could be on his own, he was so indelibly in love with Kurogane that the idea of protecting himself was overwhelmed by the desire to comfort and protect the elder. He leaned forward and twined his uninjured fingers with Kurogane's own. They shook against his touch, the soft squeeze he gave in support sending Kurogane leaning forward, and before he knew it, the elder's arms were tightly about him.

Kurogane's weight sent Fai leaning back into his bed, bringing the elder with him to sit on the side of the mattress. Fai didn't dare move any more than that, noting the soft shake of the athlete's shoulders. He couldn't speak; he'd never seen Kurogane cry. It froze him in place, dread filling his body with its ice-cold touch, the elder's tears burning like acid against his skin. Everything about this was just so bone-jarringly _wrong_.

Syaoron had been Kurogane's kouhai and protégé in the kendo team. They had been friends, to the extent that Kurogane made friends. It was a part of the elder's life that Fai wasn't very familiar with, but he understood so very much. It was like a punch in the gut, it was heartbreaking. "He's here?" Fai said softly, after a long moment, mouth dry. He knew. Kurogane wouldn't cry otherwise. He knew. It was his fault. But to take a chance; he wanted this chance—_please don't be_—but he had said too, so someone else was lost, but _please, no_—

Kurogane looked at Fai with dark eyes, and shook his head.

"He's… dead?"

"Yes."

Fai reached out with a shaking hand to brush the tears off of Kurogane's cheek, feeling less like he'd been dunked in freezing water and more like he'd been plunged into the ninth circle of hell with Judas himself. He opened his mouth to say something—_anything_— but all that came out was a choked sob. His hand fell to Kurogane's shirt, fingers curling into the fabric. "I'm sorry—" he finally managed. "It—It's my fault—"

Kurogane looked down at Fai skeptically, giving a sort of half-growling sigh. "I doubt that," he said wearily, "It's not anybody's _fault_."

"No," Fai whispered, pushing Kurogane away from him as he shivered. He felt dizzy, almost as if he could feel the way the Earth was spinning in its orbit. "I— I was—I didn't think that…" He covered his mouth suddenly, empty stomach roiling against the guilt and sudden dump of fear and shame that was pouring through his veins. "I didn't understand—What he was saying—and now…Oh _god_…"

"Fai, are you okay?" Kurogane asked quietly, hesitantly reaching out to put a hand against thin, shaking shoulders.

Fai shook his head mutely, fighting the urge to throw up. It was so obvious to him now, now that he knew what the conversation had meant; Syaoron had come to him for _help_, for some reason to stay alive, whether the other boy had known that's what he wanted or not. He'd been the last one to see Syaoron, he knew in that moment and he'd turned him away. Everything was ricocheting around in his head, every action's consequence throbbing against his skull. What if it had been himself, instead of Syaoron? People had helped him, and yet… when it was his turn to be there, to help out, he… he didn't pay it any mind.

"Fai…?" Kurogane shifted forward slightly, hand sliding from the blonde's shoulders to the center of his back, thumb sweeping a soft circle against the thin fabric of Fai's hospital gown. "What happened?" he asked. A quiet whimper was given in reply, Fai clamping his hand so tightly against his mouth that Kurogane almost thought the blonde was trying to smother himself.

Fai swallowed tightly, almost gagging at the mere act of it. He parted his fingers shakily, opening his mouth to speak; "He came… and asked me—what it was like to die," he finally admitted before leaning over the edge of the bed, throwing up what felt like pure acid. He felt Kurogane's hands recoil from him briefly in shock before coming back to brace him.

Kurogane held on to the smaller boy as he coughed up what little was in his stomach, the sound almost making the elder sick as well. Or perhaps it wasn't the sound that made him nauseous, but the idea that Syaoron had sought out Fai before going off to kill himself. He was struck with a strange feeling of being split between grief for the boy's death and pure fury at him for not thinking about what his actions could do to Fai—or Sakura and Shaoran for that matter.

"Fai—" Kurogane murmured, gently pulling the boy back from the edge of the bed. He wrapped his arms completely around the thin, shaking frame, drawing the younger close to his chest. "It… it'll be okay—"

"I should have called someone—he wasn't acting right, he was so _mad_—He was never mad before—it wasn't _right_…"

Kurogane leaned forward slightly, finding the call button for the nurse as he gently soothed Fai away from hysterics. "I'm going to call the nurse and ask her to let you sleep," he said, pressing his forehead to Fai's. The blonde's eyes were wide and full of tears, rimmed pink with sleep and injury and the force of sobbing. "I'll be here when you wake up."

"You're not mad at me…?" It was the question of a child to a parent. It was full of guilt and admission that he'd done something so wrong, that he feared that those who would love him unconditionally would finally turn away. It hurt to hear it.

"…no. No," Kurogane said softly, pulling away as the nurse slid into the room. "I'm mad at _him_."

**XxXxXxX**

He couldn't stand it in that room any longer; it was too loud with the suffocating silence of grief and death and guilt. He never knew how much he didn't remember about riding out this torturous hurricane of an aftermath. He stood suddenly, reaching out for her hand; "Come with me."

Sakura looked up at him quizzically. "Where?"

"She should know… We should let her know," Shaoran said quietly, looking away.

Sakura gave a pained smile, but took Shaoran's hand. "Let's go."

**XxXxXxX**

"How are they?" Kurogane asked quietly, staring over at Watanuki.

Watanuki looked from Kurogane to Fai, then sighed, "Well. They've gone off somewhere, they're not answering their phones, but Clow's gone off to find them."

"You don't think that they… would do anything?" Fai asked quietly, perched on the edge of the bed, looking worse for wear. His face was pale and drawn under his own injuries, hair limply pulled off into a messy knot at the nape of his neck. It had been an effort to get him into his clothes, which Watanuki had brought to him that morning. He'd found Fai idly watching Kurogane sleep in the small armchair by his bed; he'd kindly looked away as Kurogane had later taken over the job that Fai struggled to cope with one hand. It was very odd to see the two together without one crying or screaming; it was calming in a very disconcerting way.

Watanuki shook his head, "They're too stubborn."

"Sakura-chan, though…" Fai whispered quietly, "She's… really…"

"She's a good kid," Kurogane said finally, not looking at Fai, but rather out the window of the blonde's small hospital room, watching the strange man from the evening before fill out Fai's release forms at the nurse's station. "She's weak, but… I don't think she would..."

Watanuki nodded softly in agreement, "Fai-san, don't worry. Please just think about getting better. We're all pretty much in shock, and… I guess time… Yeah… just give them time."

Fai reached out softly and took Watanuki's hand softly. "Thank you," he mumbled, "Don't tell them, when Clow-san finds them. That I—that I saw him. I don't… it's something I have to say… on my own."

Watanuki's face screwed up in pain, but he nodded softly, "I won't. I'll see you later, Fai-san." He squeezed Fai's hand once before drifting out of the room worriedly. Fai watched after him, biting on his lip in thought.

"Oi, don't do that," Kurogane reprimanded as he reached out to run his thumb against the blonde's mouth, dislodging the younger's teeth from already swollen flesh. "And don't worry about them too much, alright?"

"Who should I worry about, then?" Fai asked quietly, turning his head away. "Myself?"

Kurogane didn't miss the bitterness in the blonde's voice, and with a sigh, he closed his eyes. "No, I think you've heard that enough lately," he said tiredly, "…So… Worry about me."

"_What_?" Fai turned his head sharply, brow furrowing. It wasn't like Kurogane to sound so weary, so vulnerable—and what did he _mean_, worry about _him_, like it wasn't the only thing he ever did anyway.

"I figure… If you don't want to worry about yourself, worry about me, and I'll worry about you… And it'll be alright." Kurogane looked up, staring into Fai's scowl, seeing the weight of the hurt and hostility there. It was his fault. He was the one who was the most hypocritical, who wanted to hold all the blame between what happened between them. "As long as you think of me. Fai, don't leave me alone. Worry about me enough to give me a chance."

Fai felt himself flush as he reeled back, unsure of what to make of the entire situation. "You're an _ass_, Kurogane," he said finally, looking away as the words tumbled out. "I let myself get swept away that night, and I…" he sighed, looking down at his hands, one bound in a cast and itching, the other scratched and bruised. "I want to really forgive you. I know it will be so ridiculously easy for me to fall back in with you and laugh and smile, but… It's going to be there. I'll forgive you, but it will be there, and I'll be scared. Every time we're alone, every time, I'll be terrified that you'll stop and go back to being rough with me. Talking to me however you want to, making me feel bad. I… I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if it's me you even love, but rather the idea of me."

"What's that even supposed to mean?" Kurogane snapped, fists clenching as he leaned forward. He knew just by the millisecond of eye-contact Fai gave him that he'd just given the wrong answer, acted the wrong way. He sighed and sank back into the chair; hadn't he braced himself for this anyway? The chance that Fai would turn him away had always existed; somehow, somewhere, it had changed from Fai chasing him. Now he was the one pursuing Fai… and he wasn't doing well—Fai wasn't even running and he couldn't catch up to him. Had he thought that the night's events would have changed that? That since Fai had felt so badly for him and about what had happened to Syaoron that it would all be forgiven when he was drawn to the blonde's arms? "…what do you mean?"

"…Why do you love me? Is it because I'm here? Is it because I was your first? The first one to honestly pursue you? To look at you and understand, and take all of it from you? All of you coarseness and violence and anger?"

"I never was—I never wanted you to have any of that." Kurogane looked away, feeling shame wash over him in hot waves. He never wanted to hurt Fai, or have him see all that was weak masquerading as strength in him. He didn't want to let Fai down like this. He wanted to be able to knock all the clay from his feet, to stand upright in the light… and he couldn't. "I never wanted… you to have all of that."

"I had it," Fai said softly, "I took it. For a while, I _wanted_ it." He really did love Kurogane with everything he had. But love, it just wasn't enough. Fai understood that you could love someone with all of your heart, give everything to them, and it just could never be enough if you couldn't trust them, if you couldn't communicate with them… if you couldn't feel like you were even worth anything to them. "The way you treated me, afterwards… You took your lie, Kurogane, and you made it true. The way you treated me made me feel like I meant nothing because you were mad that you chose to lie, rather than fight. I knew it was a lie, and so I stayed…but you made it true because you were mad and you were guilty and you couldn't deal with that. …And then, when I left… all of a sudden, I was _everything_ to you. Is it not the _idea_ of me that you missed? Someone to hold and be there? Well, that could be anyone."

Kurogane looked at Fai in horror, barely believing what the blonde was saying. He had been angry with Fai, and had no qualms in letting him know, but he'd never… He knew he'd been awful, but he… he couldn't help lashing out at Fai… but he didn't want for the smaller teen to feel like he did, he didn't want Fai to think he was meaningless. "It—it's true that I was lonely when you left, but… no one else could've fixed that. It was you I missed, it's you—"

Fai looked at Kurogane again, lips pursed slightly, "…then why do you love me?" he asked finally. "I need to know. I need to know; it's not fair to you," he whispered, "I know, because you know so little about me and why I—why I'm so… but… I have to know. Which is it that you love the most? _Me_ or the idea of me?"

"_Why_—! Fai—you… You're you," Kurogane said lamely, gesturing in the air. "I mean, _dammit_, Fai… you're **you**, I mean, you've… you're sick, you're ill, you're covered in scars from before you were even old enough to understand why they were there. You're broken," he said pleadingly; "There was never any reason for you to care about anyone other than yourself. Or even care about yourself enough to breathe and wake up in the morning. But _you_—you looked at _me_… Not the idea of me, like you're talking about," Kurogane muttered; "But me, not the rumors or what your friends said or even how I treated you—but… _**me**_. Maybe at first, there was some idea of me that you had, because people are like windows—we see only so much, but you looked past that, I know you did… because—"

He could feel himself blushing, his next words sticking in his throat. He never thought that he'd ever, ever, have to say this. It was his deepest, but not darkest—far from darkest—secret. He would gladly say over and over that he loved the blonde, would fight for him, would do anything to be strong enough to keep Fai from being hurt, but Kurogane… never thought he'd ever have to admit the painful, wistful weakness that was how Fai had captured him. "You saw things that no one else ever even thought about when they looked at me, hell… I'm the last person anyone would call kind or warm or safe, but you told me… you said that's how you saw me, Fai. You said I was wonderful. You let me change. You gave me the choice— no one gave me the option to be anything more than this brute of a person… But suddenly I was kind and caring, and you—

"You threw all you were into caring about me, and I saw it and I couldn't stop it and I couldn't care enough back to help you, to fill you back up. You fell apart just because you knew what being special to me meant, and you broke yourself to pieces that night… You're strong in ways I _couldn't_ be, and in ways I _wasn't_… and even though I don't _deserve_ to be speaking to you now, because I was too angry to see all of that until it was too late, you're listening to me. That's why… it… it can't be anyone else."

"I'm mad at you," Fai said softly, tears slowly falling down his cheeks. " Shuichiro helped me realize that more than anything, I'm mad at you. You didn't fight when I needed you to, wanted you too; you're cruel, you're an ass; you're pushy… and I still… I'm so mad at you, I can't even trust you like this anymore. It sucks, because I—I just can't, I can't walk around empty like I am without you, but I can't… I'm so mad. I can't get over it, I can't understand it."

"I know," Kurogane said softly.

"I don't know what to do," the blonde finally cried, "I don't know. I don't know."

"I know." Kurogane reached out and gently pulled Fai to his chest, stroking the teen's hair. "I know…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry—"

So quickly that Kurogane didn't even realize it had happened until he was reeling, Fai pulled back his good arm and punched him hard, just once. He leant back onto the hospital bed, tipping his head to the side as he surveyed the work of that one punch; he pursed his lips before letting a small smirk pass over his face. "Well. I guess that could be payback."

"_You_—"

Fai gave a shy chuckle, ducking away from Kurogane playfully. He leaned back slightly as he sighed, mirth slowly ebbing into something a little more serious as he regarded the elder teen. "Say, Kurogane," he murmured. "Would it be okay to forgive you…?"

Kurogane looked away, "Honestly?" he asked, "I don't think you should ask me. I'm too… I'm too biased. I want to say yes, forgive me... But you _shouldn't_."

"And why is that?"

"Because…" Kurogane ducked his head away, turning his cheek to Fai. He could feel his face grow hot with the admission, but he was past caring about his pride; a little humility is what he needed, in any case. "Because… I hurt you. How _weak_ is that?"

"Maybe not so weak," Fai replied quietly. "…I think it should be okay."

"Eh?"

Fai pursed his lips briefly, "Well… I mean, if you're sorry, you're sorry," he said simply. "…meaning that… it wasn't just you who hurt me. I had a hand in it myself, as well, you see. Sabotaging myself like that."

"Could you even help it though?" Kurogane asked critically, raising an eyebrow.

The blonde drew back, looking stricken. He flushed violently, looking down at the sheets, "…I don't think I could have," he whispered, "I—I never—wanted to be left behind… so it's better to do the walking away, than to be the one walked away from."

Kurogane watched Fai quietly for a long moment. He could understand that; he knew what it felt like to be left alone all too well. "Then… don't walk away," he said simply. He reached out, taking Fai's uninjured hand in his own. "It… it's hard to manage with a cast—so… don't be alone. Come with me!"

* * *

**A/N: **_I changed some major elements from the original, though I suppose **that's** been obvious for years now. So it goes.  
_

_As usual, the next bit will be uploaded once I'm done with the following chapter.  
_

"Fair Fight"-The Fray  
"I felt a funeral in my brain—"- Emily Dickinson


	36. Study Guide: Happier Times

**A/N:**_ I started editing the next chapter for this and realized it was literally a thirty page chapter that just spanned ONE day. So it's being expanded, and in its place I'm posting a character study on Kurogane's interactions with Fai earlier in the story that I wrote when I needed to get into Kurogane's head for something. It's pretty much a PWP chapter. Feel free to ignore it._

* * *

**Gothix, Study Guide:** _Happier Times__  
_

For as much as Fai had resisted him—and for good reason, he reminded himself quietly—it was rather amazing how much they fucked. From Fai's initial reactions to sex, and from what he could gather, Kurogane had figured that even after the first time, sex with Fai would be slow and gentle, and few and far between. He hadn't minded the thought, because he knew subconsciously that his blonde boyfriend had been raped; he didn't want to force his own wants onto the younger and hurt him.

So it was a surprise after that first time how beautifully Fai had opened up to him and how responsive he was to the idea of sharing his body with the elder now—he was almost innately sensual and knew just the right ways to stir everything up in Kurogane. The first time Fai had plopped himself into his lap and told him—quite bluntly, actually—that they should have sex right then and there, Kurogane nearly choked on his coffee. It had been a surprise. Then again, Fai was always surprising Kurogane, whether it be by uncharacteristically brusque sexual advances or just how he'd managed to worm his way into Kurogane's heart. That was less a surprise and more a superhuman feat, honestly.

"—mmhn—Kuro-sama—pay attention—" Cool hands found his face with the words, startling Kurogane out of his thoughts. Fai's fingers were always chilled, but now felt like soothing ice against his hot cheeks, sending a shiver down his spine to his cock. Fai gave a shallow moan at the elder's shuddering, feeling it throughout his entire body.

They were pressed together under the sheets, their normally chaste goodnight kiss having taken an unexpected passionate turn. Fai's hips arched in a slow, gentle rhythm, his movements causing a shallow thrust inside of him that made his breath hitch. His face was flushed pink, lips dark and swollen from kissing, wisps of bangs sticking to his sweat-dampened skin. He shuddered softly, thrusting up a little more insistently, thighs trembling with the movement. "—Kuro-sama—" Fai insisted again in the same hoarse and pleading voice. His lower lip trembled, and Kurogane could only stare blankly at the contrast of pink lips against white teeth, saliva glistening at the very edges of his mouth from where the elder had previously slid his own lips downwards.

Kurogane shook his head as if he was shaking water out of his ears. Even though his own body was screaming out to stop staring and start moving, even though Fai was literally begging him to move and pay him some attention, he couldn't help but to continue to gaze down upon the scene that he'd never thought he'd see except in his dreams for a long, long time.

It wasn't as if he thought Fai would _never _have sex with him, no—he could tell from the way Fai would react that the blonde _wanted_ to sleep with him, but _couldn't_. And Kurogane was okay with that. After the locker room incident, but before… _that _happened, they'd sat down and spoken in between Fai's episodes. Once Fai had opened up to him and stopped slapping him every time something got a little heated, he stopped trying to push the affair, and let Fai set his own pace.

The blonde had told him that he was afraid of sex because he'd been hurt by it before. Kurogane didn't press for information—he just couldn't. Not when Fai was nearly in tears, looking at him like he was afraid of him. All he'd been able to do at that time was gather Fai into his arms with an uncharacteristic gentleness and hold the younger until his tears had stopped. There were things haunting Fai that the blonde would never speak of, Kurogane knew: He could see it in the shadows of Fai's eyes and smiles. There were scars and stories within the blonde that Kurogane would never know, and while it bothered him, he would not ask. It was not his place to ask or care past what it would mean for the present. Knowing what had caused Fai so much pain would not change how he felt. He didn't know that it was Fai's own father who had terrified him so at that time, but it didn't change anything knowing that it was. He would have still pulled Fai into him and pampered him with as much love and understanding as he could muster without spontaneously combusting from embarrassment.

In the end it had been Fai who had come to him. Even though Kurogane himself was the one who one would generally think of being in the position with the most power, it was Fai who truly controlled what they did in bed. No—control was not the best description of their relationship at all; it implied that someone was in power. It implied an unequal share of pleasure. To Fai, it meant a lack of freedom, something Kurogane wanted the blonde to have. Fai was free to say no at any time—as was Kurogane himself. Not that either of them had ever exercised that right in its entirety (Kurogane generally expressed displeasure at positions that he couldn't see Fai's face in, and Fai disliked being pinned against the bed). Although… Fai always _did _get what he wanted…

Fai gave another whine, pale chest heaving. It was covered in slowly lavished bruises and bites that trailed all the way to the younger's thin hips. "_Kurogane_—!" he said, a bit more insistently. He dug his nails slightly into Kurogane's back, raking them down the elder's spine.

Kurogane allowed his back curl at the rough gesture, the pressure of Fai's hands on the small of his back urging his hips forward. The slight gasp of satisfaction that Fai rewarded him with, along with the sudden, deliberate clench of flesh around him pulled Kurogane out of his reverie. He growled low in his throat, fingers curling tighter into the sheets on either side of Fai's head.

Fai giggled coyly, cheeks turning a darker shade of red as he strained his body to not only tighten around Kurogane, but to keep himself from bucking up into the slow, forward push of the elder's hips. His toes curled against the athlete's calf briefly before he let his thighs part slightly wider, the forward tilt of Kurogane's body keeping them open even as his control left him. "It's—rude… nnghh! ...to think—about… a-_anh!_-about other things when we're like this—!" he scolded hoarsely.

Kurogane smirked wickedly, choosing to grind his hips into Fai's rather than pull away and begin to thrust into the blonde. It took every bit of his control to tease this way, but the blonde's mewling and writhing was worth it. He leaned forward and lapped a bead of sweat off of Fai's cording neck. The blonde's head had tipped back into the pillows as he moaned, giving Kurogane easy access to nip and suck as he pleased. "I was thinking about _you_, idiot," he grumbled, tone not nearly as harsh as his words.

If it was at all possible, Fai flushed darker—or perhaps it was the way the dusky-half light of the streetlights outside the apartment hit his face made it seem like he did. His lips trembled as Kurogane worked at his neck with his tongue and teeth, one broad hand uncurling itself from the sheets to trace circles around an already sensitive nipple.

The elder chuckled to himself at the ensuing moans and weak shivers, each sending fire pooling to the pit of his stomach. He'd since gotten over the initial stage of sex with Fai, where all he ever wanted to do was bend the blonde over whatever flat surface was handy and screw until neither of them could even move—and then some—and moved onto a stage with just a little more restraint. Though the term was… _relative_, to say the least. In any case, he could recognize when it was better—and more satisfactory—for them to simply cuddle or spoon rather than fuck like rabbits.

"Less thinking," Fai groaned, arching his hips up impatiently; "More moving."

Kurogane groaned deep in his throat, hips bucking slightly into the younger teen beneath him. His fingers shook slightly, but continued to tease the bud of flesh beneath them. "I am moving," he growled.

"That's your _hand_," the musician hissed. "I want your hips." He pushed himself up again, moving his hips in a erratic, shallow rhythm, sweat beading up on his pale skin.

Kurogane nipped at Fai's neck, willing himself still as his body and cock screamed with the desire to move into his boyfriend's hips. "You wouldn't complain if it was down here," he murmured into Fai's ear, fingers brushing down the blonde's taut stomach to cup the younger's erection. "Now would you?" he purred, teeth finding the tenderest spot on Fai's already sensitive ear. He squeezed the younger gently, fingers tracing small circles against the hot and straining skin.

Fai whimpered loudly at this, voice rising out of his throat involuntarily. Kurogane felt the hot stickiness of precum on Fai's member increase against his fingers at this, knowing with no small sense of satisfaction that he could probably bring the blonde to climax with foreplay and words alone.

The knowledge that he turned on Fai that much was what finally made Kurogane to decide to give in and relinquish his grasp on his boyfriend, hips drawing back until he was almost pulled completely out of the blonde. He thrust forward, Fai's body arching up into his in a seductive display of taut muscles and flushed skin. He could feel Fai's nails dig into his skin as he set their pace, not at all minding the bruised and slightly bloody tracks that the blonde would probably carve into his back and shoulders.

"Fai," he groaned, pushing harder and deeper into the teen below him. Fai responded by pressing back, body twisting and writhing against his, always longing for more. Their voices mingled; his was hoarse and filled with lust and longing. Fai's was melodic and yearning, filled with a helpless need. The bed creaked below them, and the sound of their flesh sliding together echoed when their cries turned to voiceless pants and contorted mouths. Truthfully, Kurogane enjoyed the sound of this far more than he enjoyed the sound of the Gothix's concerts (though Fai's voice was Fai's voice, and nothing could ever quite compel him like the blonde could); he'd made the mistake of mentioning it once before, to which Fai had only blushed deeply and primly called it '_obscene_'.

"_Shit_—"

Kurogane growled, knowing from the way Fai was arching and twisting himself and from the way the blonde was stringing curses with words like 'harder' and 'deeper' that he was just barely brushing against the spot Fai wanted him to pound into the most. He pulled out suddenly, bracing his knees deep into the mattress for balance as he drug his hands away from where they'd come to rest at Fai's hips. He grabbed one of the pillows beneath Fai's head, and pulled it back, the blonde's head hitting the sheets with a soft thud and a gasp of surprise.

"Lift your hips up all the way," he commanded roughly, the sudden pause in their actions causing him to see stars—or perhaps that was just how Fai was squeezing his thighs around Kurogane and rocking his hips. (In any case, he really wanted to get back to thoroughly ravishing the blonde beneath him.)

Fai arched his back all the way off of the bed, hands and feet pressed flat to the bed for leverage. His body shook from the sudden exertion when he had been so close to going limp with pleasure before. He moaned loudly, grinding against Kurogane's stomach. "_Mghh_—Kuro-sama—" He whined pitifully, voice rough and low against the elder's ear. "Mmmnn… 'M empty—"

Kurogane swallowed dryly, hands shaking against the pillow as Fai rolled up into him; the blonde's ragged panting against his ear made him forget his original intentions and thrust back against the smaller boy roughly.

The blonde gave an approving moan, lips ghosting against the damp skin of Kurogane's neck; "Why don't you fill me?" he pleaded, shifting his legs so that one fell over Kurogane's shoulder while the other rested at the crook of the elder's elbow, opening himself wide for his boyfriend. "_Please_—"

Kurogane hissed and guided one hand to the small of Fai's back to hold him up, hips rolling softly into Fai's; "Hold it a moment," he barely gasped. If they kept it up like this they'd end up spent—and while that was all well and fine for a lazy day or when Fai couldn't already walk, Kurogane had every intention of finishing _inside_ of Fai.

Fai was stubborn, Kurogane would give him that. He admired it, even—although it drove him insane. Like now, for instance. Rather than just staying still for two seconds before getting back to sex, Fai would rather spread himself wider, and arch so that with every movement the weeping tip of Kurogane's erection brushed against his still slick entrance. It made it hard to concentrate on what he was doing that would lead to Kurogane sliding himself deep inside of the blonde once more.

"Oi—hhhgn—moron—stop—" Kurogane shuddered, stomach quivering. He dragged the pillow down to rest beneath Fai's hips, holding his hips up in their current position without the younger having to hold himself up. He slid the hand from Fai's back around to his hip, his other hand braced firmly next to Fai's head. Without any further warning other than a kiss, Kurogane slammed himself back into the blonde.

Fai pressed his head back into the mattress, cheek turning to press against the corded muscles of Kurogane's wrist and hand, mouth contorted into an almost perfect 'o' against his arm. A strangled cry escaped from the blonde's mouth and his nails dug painfully into Kurogane's shoulder's. His body squeezed harshly around the elder's shaft, toes curling. Kurogane smirked to himself, knowing he'd hit the blonde's prostate. He ground against it once, then set up a rough and quick pace.

Fai scraped his fingers down Kurogane's back, almost as if he were trying to claw himself up from the mattress. His body strained and quaked, sweat and saliva trailing from his open mouth. Kurogane tipped his hand slightly, nudging Fai's face towards him, lapping and sucking at the blonde's mouth.

Fai kissed back just as sloppily, pants turning into never-ending gasps that only drew more and more oxygen into his lungs, voice escaping in little half-moans and hiccupping squeaks. Finally his head tipped back violently, body bowing up to press tightly to Kurogane's as he spasmed and nearly screamed, hips jerking as he came between them.

Kurogane hissed as Fai tightened and he felt the spreading warmth of Fai's climax between them. The blonde went nearly limp in his arms, body pressing insistently up into him as it rode the waves of his orgasm. The elder was close as well, his thrusts growing more frantic and sharp, the way Fai's body was undulating and tightening around him pulling his end closer and closer to the surface.

Finally, it was too much for him—black and white danced in his vision, and he screwed his eyes shut against it, groaning loudly as he released deep into Fai. Their hips continued to shift and slide against the other's, even as Kurogane slowly lowered himself until his entire body was pressed flush to Fai's and rolled them over.

Fai moaned softly at the movement, body trembling as he released his grip on Kurogane's shoulder's. His back arched softly after a particularly forceful jerk of the elder's hips against his own, pants interrupted by a quiet mewl. He looped his arms around Kurogane's neck, meeting his boyfriend in a deep kiss as they rode out the aftershocks of their pleasure together.

Kurogane had every intentions of letting this be their goodnight kiss and stopping once they had calmed, but they were young and falling in love, and the feeling of Fai's warm, damp body still writhing against him as they kissed and let their hips idly press together was driving him mad. He drew Fai closer to him, allowing himself to be lost in the feeling and desire.

Perhaps that was the biggest surprise: Not that Fai wanted to have sex with him, or even that he would tell Kurogane that bluntly—it wasn't even how he'd come to love the strange but broken boy beside him, but how easily he would put aside his pride and stubbornness to do whatever Fai would want of him, and how strongly he desired to see the younger teen happy.

It was a long time until either of them went to sleep.


	37. Lesson Twenty: Aftermath

**Gothix, Lesson Twenty: **_Aftermath_

_Bring me home in a blinding dream,  
Through the secrets that I have seen—  
Wash the sorrow from off my skin,  
And show me how to be whole again…_

"Come back with me."

Fai felt his face grow hot as the room spun around him; he blinked once, twice before shaking his head. "What?" he asked in disbelief. There was no way that what he thought he heard meant what he thought it did. And in any case, it seemed like Kurogane had a girlfriend (or someone like that), he remembered with a pang. He had to be reading into it more than the elder had meant for him to.

"Come home with me, Fai," Kurogane said softly; "I moved… so there's an extra room… In any case, at least until you've gotten used to your cast… stay with me."

"Well isn't _someone_ presumptuous?"

"Ohjiro, leave him alone," Fai muttered miserably, pulling his attention away from Kurogane and to the older man.

Ohjiro raised an eyebrow, silently grateful that looks could not kill, as he would be dead twice over. "Well," the man sighed, casting a knowing glance towards the darker of the two teens; "It was, considering."

Kurogane scowled threateningly as Fai gave a heavy sigh; "Don't pretend like you know what's going on," the blonde said tersely. The elder looked up at Fai, studying his face. The blonde looked tired and frustrated, pale face dark with bruises. He knew the look Fai wore all too well; Fai was close to shutting Ohjiro out completely in irritation.

"Um. I'm going—I'm going to go," Kurogane said uneasily, rising to his feet. It was his fault, of course, that the tension between Fai and Ohjiro was there in the first place—there had been a bit of a disagreement over him between Fai and Ohjiro late the night before about his presence in the room. He'd offered to go home, but Fai had protested and stubbornly insisted that he should say, ignoring Ohjiro's arguments against it. And on top of that, Kurogane felt ridiculous, having shouted at the blonde's guardian like he had the night before. He could feel Ohjiro's eyes on him, evaluating him coldly even now. It was rather humiliating; he'd ended up proving Ohjiro completely right. He knew absolutely nothing about Fai's life.

"Ah—um—" Fai reached out hesitantly, fingers closing around the hem of Kurogane's shirt. "We… We're not quite done talking yet," he said softly, frowning.

"Oh, well… I guess you could call me when you're ready?" Kurogane offered, flushing. This was entirely too awkward. If he'd previously thought being around Tomoyo or even his aunt with Fai was the worst thing that could ever happen, he was completely wrong: this was the single most mortifying experience of his life. Maybe if he was more comfortable in the tenuous relationship—or lack of one—he had with Fai or maybe if he wasn't so emotionally exhausted, it wouldn't be half as bad, but as it was… It was pretty bad.

Fai fidgeted and turned pink as well, twisting the cloth between his fingers. "See… um… I… my phone broke—_really_!" he said loudly, looking up in a moment of flushed frustration at an indignant snort from Ohjiro's corner of the room. "And so… you won't be able to get a hold of me… that way… Um. C…could you just meet us at my apartment?"

"Fai!"

"Shut up! Don't decide you suddenly want to hover over my shoulder like a parent!"

"It's technically my apartment anyway," Ohjiro retorted, bristling, "And don't make him wait out in the cold like you think I'm just going to let you go back on with your life without talking to you about things!"

"I thought we had talked!" Fai protested in dismay, eyes wide with what Kurogane recognized as fear.

"Um," he cut in, gently taking Fai's hand from his shirt. "How about I come over at… um, well, it's eleven now. Does one sound okay? I could bring food over, and I need to go talk to coach about… about, you know," Kurogane said softly, rubbing his thumb against Fai's knuckles. "That way you can talk with—with Ohjiro-san," he said uncomfortably, "And I'm not just barging in unannounced."

"I invited you, _you_ wouldn't be unannounced," Fai said with a frown, obviously implying that Ohjiro's presence was. "But yeah… I suppose that would be alright."

"Okay. I'll see you then."

Fai watched Kurogane leave unhappily, scowling up at Ohjiro. "Well, there, he's gone. Are you happy?"

"Marginally," Ohjiro remarked dryly. He leaned back into the wall, arms crossed over his chest. He supposed he could have been slightly less abrasive towards Kurogane, but he couldn't help it. The boy _was _presumptuous after all, and it was, at least, in Ohjiro's role to be prickly towards whomever Fai dated. Even though he'd never thought Fai would willingly date someone, to be honest. He'd never prepared himself for that, and at the time, Fai had been too young to be debriefed on that matter, so they'd never come to any sort of agreement about what was and what wasn't acceptable in the blonde's… situation.

"God, you're just—"

"I know, I know. Incorrigible, right?"

"I was going to say a dick, but _fine_," Fai sulked, snatching up his bookbag from where Watanuki had left it for him.

Ohjiro heaved a sigh as he pulled the door open for Fai as he skulked past. "I know you're mad," he said wearily, "But—"

"Of course I'm mad!" Fai snapped, glaring up at Ohjiro with tears in his eyes, "If I'm going to have to let him go, at least let me have what time I can steal!"

"…It doesn't work like that. If you've made the decision to let him go, then why bother to make it hurt worse by stealing his own time? Y'know… how selfish is that?" Ohjiro said quietly. "You're making it worse for him, in the end."

Fai's face contorted in pain, looking away from the man. "I know I am, but—but I… I can't leave him be. It's not healthy, but I can't leave him…"

"…As long as you know what you're doing to yourself, and to him… what I said last night still stands."

**XxXxXxX**

It wasn't as if the irony was lost on her entirely: Just barely a day ago, he had asked her to leave Koryo with him; now she found herself without any significant money or food or clothes other than what she had entered the hospital with, speeding over the city limits one by one without him. But he had wanted to go somewhere farther than where they were headed, at a time when she could not follow him.

She had turned her phone off as Shaoran had cranked his car outside of the city cemetery, the tinges of dawn staining the sky pink. She had taken his hand, and had not let go, even as the hours passed by with the scenery outside of their windows.

She did not know where they were going; she didn't even care all that much. She supposed it wouldn't even matter, really, if they drove off of the edge of the world entirely. If the road ran out and they continued to drive, would it be into their arms? Maybe it would matter, one day, far in the future… if they made it that far.

She supposed that maybe she should have told her parents that they were going, regardless of the fact that they didn't know where they were going. Touya was, without a doubt, freaking out.

But she couldn't really bring herself to care all that much.

"Why… Everything got so messed up," she whispered to the silence between them. Shaoran glanced at her out of the corner of his eyes, frown deepening in his own answer. "Why?"

The two unspoken passengers that sat between her and Shaoran offered no answer. The dead do not talk lightly, and even they cannot answer a question as all-encompassing as 'why'. The dead could only whisper the words of memories, fading echoes of the 'how'.

Eventually, Shaoran answered: "Things fall apart," he said simply. "And people are weak."

Sakura gave a quiet sob, burying her face against her knees. Her heart was breaking. There never had been a way to save everyone while leaving herself intact, was there? It had never been within her capabilities to do so. It didn't matter what she could have done, she would have ended up with an empty hand and her heart in pieces.

Syaoron had always been dead; he'd been dead since the day that Tsubasa had died. His heart, his life, his _time_ had always been paused on that one moment while everyone else moved forward and made new friends, and loved and healed without him. How painful was it for him to watch that— to stand, frozen, with his hand outstretched towards a dead girl's memories while everyone else slipped from him as well? Sure it wasn't so painful that death was the only choice. Surely, surely, she told herself, surely it wasn't.

But in the end, it had been—he was gone, and there truly were hurts in life that were so brutally painful that to those so wounded by them, death was a blissful reprieve.

Weren't they enough? Had they ever been enough? Wasn't the fact that she and Shaoran were still alive enough for him to move on and live? Why—why hadn't it been enough? How could she not have been strong enough to protect him from himself? For herself, for her sister, for Shaoran?

In that moment, she thought of Fai and Kurogane, who, even though they loved each other dearly and struggled to be strong despite the hurts life had dealt them, were not enough to overcome that pain. No one was strong enough. _Why was no one strong enough to overcome this one thing?!_

It hurt. Nothing they could have done could have saved him. She had been blind to Syaoron's pain for so long that even when her eyes had been opened, it was too late to do anything about it.

Shaoran grit his teeth, and trained his eyes on the road, speeding faster towards the horizon. He would not be frozen in this; he would not let his time be stopped as well. He had to escape this.

**XxXxXxX**

It was a selfish wish, he was sure of it. To take advantage of Fai when he was down and weak and injured… it was selfish. But there was hope in it, he knew from the way his ribs ached from the impact of Fai's fist to the soft spark that had ignited in those blue eyes when he'd told the blonde that there was no sense in forgiving him.

There wasn't one, really, except for the old clichéd excuse that love solved everything. This was very obviously _bullshit_, judging from the night's losses. Kurogane sighed, clenching his fists around the wheel of his car, wishing he could simply lay his head down and sleep. If he slept, maybe, he'd wake up beside Fai to find that this had all been a particularly bad, albeit realistically painful, dream. Was that giving in—to want it all to be a dream, to want it to disappear?

The empty pain of death wasn't unusual to him; no, in fact, it was an old friend of his. But like the most stubborn of old friends, it was unwelcome and generally greeted with a door to the face and tears and screaming profanities. The friend that was death was unwelcome in his home of a heart, and it lingered, giving nothing and taking everything.

Kurogane gave a quiet grumble, very much unwilling to haul himself up out of his car and onto his feet. But he did so, the quiet mental commands he gave himself—_now step forward, asshole, go on_—taking him step by step up the walkway to Fai's apartment.

Going to see Kusanagi on its own hadn't been an undesirable task, for the most part. The man was just as much as a mentor to Kurogane as Clow had become over the years facing his parents' deaths; he'd been here several times. He was actually quite fond of the man and his young wife, who had likewise greeted him fondly. There were times, yes, where he'd come bearing bad news—he'd been suspended again, he'd failed a test, or even the time where he'd come after running away from his aunt's house for the first time—but… it had never been something this heavy.

It had been a lie, to begin with, when he'd told Fai that he was going to visit to impart the news… but he couldn't bear lying to Fai… and Kusanagi had the right to know, and it was Kurogane's job, as captain of the team and once-mentor to Syaoron himself, to come. He'd realized as he rang the bell to his coach's house that the adult probably already knew. Clow was close to almost every adult that Kurogane knew—probably from his connections to Yuuko at the school and his own job as a police officer in town— as was Yuuko herself. And Syaoron was a student at the school… But even so, the man had appreciated the gesture, and had sent him off with a minimal amount of pity and a clap on the shoulder.

The way the man had told him to watch out for the rest of the team and come to him if help was needed was innocent, but it made Kurogane's insides squirm with guilt and exhaustion. There was nothing he could have done, he knew. But… but… Was this how Fai felt on a daily basis?

To know something indelibly, to know that it was true while this—this nagging feeling of darkness, of listless unease and guilt wore down at everything until what made you undoubtedly you was even questionable… Was this what it was like, for Fai? For _Syaoron_, even? Could it go from this trickle of apprehension and guilt into a roar of abject loathing for everything so easily that one's very _soul_ could be consumed by it? How quickly, how easily; how, why? Why?

He was so consumed in his thoughts that he'd barely noticed that he'd dragged himself up the iron and concrete stairwell to Fai's floor. Not only had he made it, but he'd managed to knock on the door without really registering his actions until he was face to face with the blonde.

"Is it like this every day?"

Fai frowned, looking up at Kurogane; the elder boy looked tired beyond belief. Even more exhausted than he had in the hospital, even. He pursed his lips briefly, processing the question. "Oh, Kuro-sama," he breathed quietly, the pieces clicking into place slowly. He reached out gently, slipping his fingers against Kurogane's tightly closed fist.

Kurogane relaxed his hand under the cool touch, allowing Fai to wind his fingers through his own. There was something in Fai's voice that spoke of a gentle sorrow that wasn't related to grief or death or even guilt in any manner, but rather something akin to pity. But it wasn't anything as contemptuous as pity itself, but rather something gentle. It dawned on him that this was empathy, this quiet pressure of Fai's cool fingers in his own, this softness in the voice that could scream out itself in sorrow and anger and move a crowd to tears and cheers. He'd never truly heard this before; perhaps because he and Fai were truly and indelibly different in some ridiculously cosmic scale that there had never really been anything to empathize over and yet now…

Fai gently tugged Kurogane inside, guiding him quietly to the messy sofa that he'd been lounging on until the elder had come to his door. He knew what Kurogane must be feeling, and he knew that it needed to be stopped. But was he, of all people, even qualified to help? He'd failed so horribly to help himself, and to help when Syaoron had come to him, but he could barely imagine what would happen if he failed to help Kurogane now. He sat down next to the elder, letting Kurogane's hand rest in his lap.

"You know," Fai said carefully, "It doesn't have to feel like that, if you don't want it to."

Kurogane looked over at Fai, frowning; "You let it _wreck_ you," he replied sharply.

Fai winced, then turned his head away, lost for words. He bit down on the inside of his lip, teeth worrying the flesh back and forth. "Yes," he whispered, "I let my own grief wreck me. But I had far more blame, and I was younger… And you—your parents, you worked through that before."

"Yeah, by destroying everything I ever touched out of anger." Kurogane paused in his bitterness, taking the second to truly look at Fai. The blonde looked close to tears, hand shaking against Kurogane's fingers, jaw tight. "… Even you."

Fai shook his head roughly, the coppery taste of blood rising against his tongue forcing him to unclench his jaw. "I—I was already broken," he spat. He relinquished his grasp on Kurogane's hand before moving to stand. "I never was whole to begin with, never." He shivered, wrapping his arm around himself; he felt miserable. His arm hurt, his face hurt, he was sleepy from the medicine the nurses had given him before he'd left the hospital, and all he felt like doing was to curl up in a ball and cry. "If you've come to throw everything I say in my face, you can leave and go elsewhere for comfort. I—I can say what I can because I know what I did _wrong_." It was cold in the apartment, he thought idly, trying to race through thoughts to keep himself steady. He didn't need Kurogane to remind him just how messed up he was; Fai knew that well enough already.

"Fai," Kurogane said quietly, "Don't be like that."

Fai grit his teeth to keep himself from lashing out at the elder. That wasn't what Kurogane needed, and Fai wasn't willing to waste the time he could get with the teen fighting. "…It's the truth," he said flatly, settling himself against the wall. He sunk down to the floor and laid his head on his knees, looking over at Kurogane through his bangs. "I never knew that I didn't have to let it wreck me, as you put it…But now, I… but it's too late for _me_." It hurt, being told by the one person who'd always insisted that he was perfect and beautiful that he'd always been, in fact, '_wrecked'_. He closed his eyes, inhaling slowly to calm himself down. What was it about Kurogane that reduced him to this quivering mass of anger and sorrow and longing? Why?

"Then what do you suggest I do?"

"You live," Fai replied, voice flat. "You just go on. You either realize that they didn't care enough about you to spare you this and you let go, or you remember that they cared so much that they just couldn't handle it anymore. Or you don't agonize over it and you find something that helps you let go and accept the fact that no matter how much you grieve, they won't come back. In the end, the result is the same: you live."

"That seems harsh."

"You know it is," the blonde snapped, "You know that! _I_ know that! But life is harsh—if it wasn't, do you think I'd be like I am!? That he'd be dead, and I'd be left with the guilt of not being able to save _anyone_ at all? If the world was anything but harsh, do you think that would happen?!"

"Fai…"

"Just go— just leave me alone," Fai whispered, shaking his head. He pressed his face closer into his arm, biting down hard on his lip to keep it from trembling. Why hadn't he realized what Syaoron had wanted from him? _Why_? It was his fault. He had been the boy's last hope, the cry for help before the slip into the dark, and he'd ignored it. How could he face his friends knowing this?

Kurogane stood slowly, watching as Fai's shoulders shook as the boy silently cried. He was such a hypocrite. He sat and he lectured without even understanding, then let himself wallow in the very feelings he detested the most. He'd lashed out at the one person he'd ever let himself be weak around, taking Fai's sympathy for granted. He was spoiled and petty, and he hated himself for that. He knelt down next to the blonde and pulled him forward, pressing his cheek into Fai's hair. "…I know you're trying your best," he said softly, "I'm sorry for not treating you like you are."

Fai reached out and gently pushed himself away from the elder, "No," he said. "Kurogane, please, stop. Stop treating me like we're…more than we are. I won't be your mistake."

"What do you mean, be my mistake?" Kurogane asked sharply.

The blonde smiled quietly, looking at his hand in his lap; "You know that night… When you told me you weren't strong enough for me?"

"Fai—I don't think you really understood what I was saying," the elder said quietly.

Fai shook his head, "It doesn't matter what it means, Kurogane. I'm not talking about that anyway. These girls came up to me, and—I—" His voice broke, and he gave a small tremble, "I—I saw the girl you were talking to, and… I…"

"You believed them," Kurogane sighed, dropping his head into his hands. He rubbed his temples in frustration, trying to restrain his urge to yell or snap at the blonde. "That girl you saw me talking to, her name is Kobato. You know Hikaru Shidou, right?"

"She's the freshman on the kendo team, she's really sweet and she's good, too, since her brother's are alumni of the team," Fai said flatly, "I don't understand what you're getting at."

"Kobato is friends with Hikaru, but Kobato's an absolute ditz—she wanted to support Hikaru since she was sad that they couldn't hang out that much. So she joined the team as a manager after you left," Kurogane said lightly. "Her _boyfriend_ is a senior, that guy Fujimoto."

"What?"

"I'm saying that she's nothing but another member of the club, you idiot! Those girls saw an opportunity, and they took it to lie to you," the elder growled. It was startling, how angry he still was at those girls. As if he would magically fall in love with any of them because Fai was gone. "Look, she came to me with a problem about the club. Sya… A… a member was… He wasn't being normal. He was throwing things about and engaging in reckless behavior while I wasn't there. It's my fault as the captain that I didn't arrange for a substitute captain while I was suspended from club activities, but it's also my duty to deal with it. So she came to me, and was upset about it." Kurogane sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, "Look, she wanted to go and apologize to you for taking my time to tell me," he said plaintively.

Fai paused and looked over at Kurogane, who was running his thumbs over his forehead in frustration. He clenched his fist shut once, then opened it. "Really?" he asked quietly, voice small. "…You didn't go to the dance with anyone?"

"Unless you count Tomoyo… please don't," Kurogane muttered.

The blonde laughed softly, surprising Kurogane entirely. He wondered how many more times Fai would laugh before it was no longer surprising, but something normal once again. "There's nothing wrong with Tomoyo-chan." Fai fidgeted, looking away from the elder; "Sorry… for… believing them."

"They told me," Kurogane said suddenly, voice hard, "What they said to you… Fai, what was it that made you break down?" He had to know what it had been _exactly_. It would drive him crazy otherwise, constantly wondering if it was his own words that broke the blonde down or another's. He held no sympathy for the girl he had frightened so badly, something that should have bothered him greatly, but for those who would harm the ones he loved, Kurogane saw no point in sparing them any amount of emotion. If he was the one who had caused Fai to withdraw so deeply… he didn't know what he could do to make it better.

Fai shook his head, "It doesn't matter; it was stupid. I should have known better. I'm _supposed_ to know better. Even you think so."

Kurogane reached out and took Fai gently by the chin. He ran his thumb softly against the blonde's bruised cheek, shaking his head; "There are differences between knowing and believing; I don't mind if you have doubts… I just wish you'd tell me about them," he said. "So tell me."

The blonde's blue eyes briefly met Kurogane's before flitting away; he couldn't deny Kurogane when he looked like he did. It would never matter how many times he resisted, died, and was reborn—Fai couldn't bear to separate himself from the elder… so why was something that he must do?

"They're right…It would be better for all of you if I just disappeared," Fai whispered, taking Kurogane's hand as he dropped his head. He held the elder's palm against his cheek, his eyes closed against tears that threatened to overwhelm him. "For Kurogane, strength is so important, yet I force him to realize that he is not strong. To Sakura, being able to smile and be strong is all she feels she can do, yet I caused her to cry so many times. For Shaoran, his brother was his ally, his friend, his confidant, but because of my own failures, Shaoran no longer has a brother to turn to. Who knows what I have done to Kimihiro—he won't tell anyone his own sorrows, I doubt Doumeki even knows. I've burdened every person I love—" He was the living embodiment of Pandora's Box, and only disaster lay in wait for those who dared to broach him and open his heart. There was no hope at the bottom of his existence; Kurogane was only coming to him again and again in the hopes that something that didn't exist was sealed away in his soul.

"Except that meeting you has made me happy," Kurogane soothed quietly. He leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to the blonde's forehead. "You see, the thing about strength, I've come to discover… is that only when you realize you're weak, you become strong."

"That doesn't make any sense," Fai hiccupped. He felt Kurogane wind his free arm around his waist, and allowed the elder to draw him up to his knees. He knelt before the older teen, eyes closing as Kurogane slid the hand on his face down his neck to his shoulders, holding him steady as he pressed his face to the crook of Fai's neck. The blonde stared off over Kurogane's head once he opened his eyes again, the room swimming with tears. He looked into the light, willing them back; he didn't want to cry over everything. He, too, wanted to be stronger. Crying solved nothing.

Kurogane held onto Fai like the blonde would simply blow away without his strength; it was quite possible that he would, in fact, disappear if Kurogane didn't keep a strict eye on him. "Well," Kurogane murmured against Fai's neck, "Once you realize your weaknesses, then you can start _doing_ something about them and stop running away every time you realize you can't do something."

"Kurogane, I don't—"

"And I know that Sakura and Watanuki both care about you very much," Kurogane continued over Fai's soft protest. "They'd hate to know that you're calling yourself bad luck."

"Kurogane, don't," Fai repeated, wrapping his arm around the elder. He dropped his face into the teen's hair, doing his best not to cry anymore. "I'm poisonous; I make people unhappy because _I_ can't be happy. I don't mean to, I don't want to, but I can't help it—"

"Then how can I make you happy? What can we do? You need to stop with this 'I can't', and start thinking of the small things that you can do." It was something that was so obvious to Kurogane himself that it had taken him a long time to realize that Fai didn't know any better.

Fai shook his head, feeling overwhelmed by everything from the scent of Kurogane's hair against his cheek to the weight of the elder's body against his own; the wheedling tone in the elder's voice made his heart twist and leap into his throat and burned his eyes with tears. He gave in and let himself cry, body shaking with each breath he gasped in. "I don't know—I don't know—you've done so much already and still I can't—I don't know—"

Kurogane slid his hands against Fai's back soothingly. He knew what it felt like to be lost, to not know which path was the best. He knew, so painfully well, what it felt like to be a burden on the people you loved the most. He knew that lashing out and hurting others because you were afraid of their love brought only more pain in the end. "Fai, shhh…Listen to me: Stop looking so far ahead," he murmured, "Just focus on what you want to do right now… So, what do you want the most right now?"

"Am I _allowed_ to do that?"

"Why wouldn't you be, Fai?" Kurogane scoffed, gently prodding Fai in his uninjured side. "What do you think _I_ do all the time?"

The blonde gave a soft squirm and a shy, giggling hiccup at the attention, then slid from his knees to sit flat in Kurogane's lap. He held tightly onto the elder, hiding his face in Kurogane's shirt. "…I'd like to have cake," he said softly, "And go to live with you."

"Okay then," Kurogane murmured, reaching up to brush his fingers through Fai's bangs. He'd watched it grow out before his very eyes, in covert glances in the classroom and from across the hall, but it surprised him how long Fai had let his hair get. It was oddly suitable to the blonde, and of all things, it made him look older. It was strange to think that Fai was only a year younger than him, as the musician's tendencies made him simultaneously seem younger and older than anyone Kurogane knew. "We'll get you packed up, and settled into my place and after, we'll stop by Clover for dinner. I know you like their cakes the best," he told Fai calmly.

"Thank you," Fai whispered, fingers tightening around the material of Kurogane's shirt.

**XxXxXxX**

It had been easy enough to gather Fai's things; the blonde said seriously that all he truly needed was his guitar and a single change of clothes. Kurogane was troubled by the way Fai had so casually hinted that it would be easy for him to leave Koryo all together, though he did not comment—he already knew how easy it was, exactly, for Fai to disappear.

That was what he was afraid of the most, he realized. It wasn't that he was upset that he didn't rank among the list of things important enough to take with Fai, exactly. It was that Fai didn't consider that there would be people left behind that would miss him; with technology the way it was, it would be easy to move to the other side of the planet if the urge arose and still stay in contact. But Fai barely could keep a cellphone intact as it was, much less think about leaving a trail behind for people to find him.

"You know," Kurogane said casually as he swung Fai's backpack onto his shoulder, "It takes a true musician to think that all they would need is their instrument."

Fai laughed, shaking his head, "It's not that I'm a musician," he said; "It's just that, that's what would get me enough money to get started where-ever I would go. Whether I just sell it, or whether I use it to get me food. …It's actually very cold of me to think that way, I think."

Kurogane had to concede that perhaps, Fai was actually fairly practical. Maybe the blonde had already gone somewhere without telling any of them, somewhere where it was normal to calculate in advance what belongings could be quickly grabbed and turned into a way to live.

"How many times have you been in such a situation where you would have to think that way, Fai?" Kurogane asked, now tucking one of Fai's pillows under his arm as the blonde went through his loft, sweeping various pill bottles into a plastic bag as he went around turning off electrical odds and ends.

Fai tucked his bag full of medicine into the pocket of his jacket so his hand could be free to disconnect his alarm clock from the wall. "Well, after the first time, there's no need for a second. The terror of it is ingrained within you," he said quietly. "…Do you have everything I laid out for you?"

"Yeah. Fai… what happened to you before you came to Koryo?"

The blonde gave one of his apologetic half-smiles, shaking his head; "I _came_ to Koryo," he said simply. He stepped forward towards the elder before leaning up onto his toes to press a soft kiss to Kurogane's cheek. "I came to Koryo with nothing but a name and fear."

Had his hands not been otherwise preoccupied with most of Fai's things, Kurogane would have held the younger boy close. The picture was clear in his mind, of a younger Fai alone in the loft apartment, the derelict rooms bare of furniture and the litter of everyday life: it was an image of a fourteen-year-old Fai that had only his music to comfort him when he woke in the middle of the night from his nightmares. It was lonely. It was sad.

Even he, who was so coarse and violently-tempered had Sonomi and Tomoyo and Ameterasu when his parents had died and his life had been turned upside-down. But before Fai met Sakura and Watanuki, he'd had no one. Not a single soul to comfort him. "You have a lot more now," Kurogane said softly.

Fai laughed, picking up a duffle bag from the floor. "I'd say. You'd be surprised how much junk you can collect when you work at Yuuko's shop," he teased lightly, avoiding Kurogane's eye.

"You know what I mean," the elder said seriously.

"Please don't; we've already had this discussion once today." Fai turned to look at Kurogane, frowning. He sighed; to do what he wanted was hard. "Just… _don't_. I know what you mean," he continued, shaking his head. He moved past the older boy, lips pursed. "But that doesn't mean that I want to think that way."

Kurogane followed after Fai, the blonde's outline becoming less and less distinct as Fai walked ahead of him, cutting off the lights as he went. "Why not? You're not alone anymore, wasn't that what you wanted?"

Fai paused with his hand on the last light switch in the apartment; Kurogane could tell from the blonde's silhouette that he was looking towards him, but he could not make out Fai's face in the half-light from the hallway. "I didn't know it would hurt this much," Fai answered simply, decisively plunging them into semi-darkness. "It seems like every time I think about how much I have, and how I'm thankful for it… I lose it."

"So it's easier to take it for granted?"

"No," Fai answered, shaking his head. "It's…more complicated than that." To him, taking something for granted was just as big of a sin as being thankful for it; both signified that there would one day be an end, that what he had was fleeting. Perhaps, in his own twisted way, his fear was being thankful for his friends. For having a roof over his head, for being free enough that he could walk and talk and sing, that he could go to sleep at night without being beaten and bruised, and that the view outside of his window was of sky and not dirt and roots and dingy concrete. But having these things hurt; because he hadn't had them in the past, because he wouldn't have them in the future; all that would change were the type of chains that bound him. His mouth would still be gagged, his movements and freedom would still be restrained. This brief moment of freedom was too painful to be truly thankful for, and too delightful to take for granted. "I think it would have been easier for me, in the end, if I hadn't gained more than I was willing to lose, you know?"

"I think everyone thinks that way," Kurogane replied, moving through the dark apartment to the door. "And the fact that you aren't willing to lose these things means you're thankful for them."

Fai laughed despite himself. "You certainly know how to twist my words to suit your own purposes, Kuro-sama."

"I learned from the best."

Fai pursed his lips, fingers curling into the hem of his shirt. He could tell by Kurogane's tone that he was only teasing, but the words still stung. They were true, of course, but it still hurt—The truth had a way of hurting in a way that not even the ugliest of lies could, he'd found.

Kurogane paused beside the blonde. He reached out and laid a hand on Fai's back, frowning; "You can't think like that all the time, that you're going to lose everything. Be thankful for it and enjoy what you have when you have it."

"But…Thinking like that… It's not an option for me," Fai said as he shrugged his dufflebag higher onto his shoulder. "Living in the moment is too much like taking things for granted to me."

"Taking something for granted isn't the same as living in the moment," Kurogane pointed out uneasily. "You know that right?"

"It is to me," Fai answered stubbornly. He looked down at his feet, clenching his teeth briefly before continuing; "I can't… _not_ think about losing something. There's nothing in this world that's stable, always. Everything lives and dies and changes. Thoughts and feelings evolve just like nature does, and things change at the slightest provocation."

"But that… I won't say that's not true—it is, the world does change but—but, that's all in the future. That isn't _tomorrow_. That's years from now."

"Thinking like that is why Syaoron is dead!" He was shouting now without realizing it; this desperation was driving him mad. It was the worst feeling, knowing that everything would end but not knowing when or how. He felt like he was drowning, being buried alive by this feeling. He had to let someone know, anyone know; all of this could have been avoided. All of it. He couldn't let himself make the same mistakes again.

Kurogane flinched away in surprise, hand withdrawing from the blonde as if he'd been burned.

"You hear it all the time, don't you? About people who kill themselves, and everyone says they didn't know there was anything wrong until that person was already dead! Why do you think that happens, Kurogane, _why do you think_?!"

"I don't know—I… what are you trying to say?"

"It's because they were taken for granted! It was assumed that they would cheer up in another day or so, or time would make things better for them, or that they would be around to apologize to another day! And those next times piled up into days, weeks, even years until that person just couldn't stand it anymore! And then they _die_!"

Kurogane took a step back from the blonde, eyes sickly fastened on Fai as he continued to shout. The boy's shoulders tensed and arched forward, heaving with every word that poured out of his mouth. Fai's face was hidden by his hair and shadows, but what Kurogane could see of it was contorted angrily into something almost inhuman by the ambient light and the force of what he was saying. It frightened Kurogane, and it was something he wasn't ashamed to admit—this wasn't Fai. While he had come to terms with the fact that there were things that he did not—and probably would not—know about the boy, this was not in alignment with the Fai he knew. These words were ugly and they lacked the blonde's regular grace. "Fai," Kurogane said carefully, "Fai… who are you talking about?"

Fai looked at Kurogane in alarm, stepping backwards. He bumped up against the wall, his bag falling to the floor as his hand went back to brace himself unsteadily. "What do you mean?" he asked harshly, panting through his words.

Kurogane stepped forward, hands outstretched towards the blonde. "Who are you talking about?" he repeated slowly in a way he hoped wasn't accusatory, "Are you talking about him… Or are you talking about yourself?" He grabbed Fai's arms as gently as he could while still having a firm enough of a grip on the boy to keep him from lashing out. The terror in Fai's eyes as he pieced together his own words was unreal and visceral, and it startled Kurogane.

It was unnerving.

Fai's breath slowed from ragged breaths to shallow gasped to, finally, something more even; Kuroane held him fast, even when the blonde turned his head aside. "Fai," he said finally, "Tell me."

"I don't know."

The words came slowly, after a long moment of silence. They were quiet and reluctant but they rang with truth. Kurogane stepped away, fingers falling from the boy's arms. In their absence, Fai reached up and clung to Kurogane's shirt. In the darkness, Kurogane couldn't tell if Fai was silently sobbing or simply shaking. He held onto the slighter teen anyway, a familiar fear creeping deep into his bones.

They remained this way long after Fai had grown still and their arms became numb, until the relative quiet of the small apartment seeped into their chests and they became calm.

**XxXxXxX**

Clow slipped his fingers under his glasses and rubbed his eyes briefly before pinching the bridge of his nose. He sighed. Beside him, Kimihiro simply fidgeted, unable to keep himself still in his anxiety.

"I'm really sorry," Caldina said sadly, shaking her head as she slid Clow's drink across the bar. "I haven't seen 'em for weeks, really. Any of 'em, actually, 'cept these two here," she added, nodding towards Watanuki.

"Just keep an eye out for me, okay?" Clow asked, not really looking at the woman as he pressed his forehead to his palms, briefly acquiescing to frustration.

"Yeah, o' course I can," the waitress said firmly; "I'll give you a call, no issue."

Clow murmured his thanks, shifting himself upright once more to take a swig of his drink. "Any more ideas, Kimihiro?" he asked quietly, peering at his son from the corner of his eye.

"This is the last place I can really think of," Watanuki murmured quietly, rolling his fork between his fingers. "The Tavern isn't open, and there's no reason for them to go there anyway…"

"While I would normally say that it's nothing to really worry about," Clow said slowly, "I can't help but to be worried right now."

"Yeah." Watanuki echoed his guardian's earlier sigh, turning his head to the front of the store, where Doumeki could be seen on his phone just outside of the glass windows. "But, they're sure to be alright, right?"

Clow frowned slightly, "That's almost like a curse, Kimihiro," he said finally with a slight laugh.

Watanuki flinched, eyes wide; "Like jinxing them?! I don't—I didn't really mean—!"

"No, no, as far as curses go, I think that one is surely the best," Clow laughed, shaking his head. "They can't do anything bad knowing that you think that way. Those two are good kids."

The diner's bell jingled cheerily as Doumeki made his way back to the front bar, heaving himself into his seat with a sigh. He laid his phone down in front of him, shaking his head; "No one knows. I called Kurogane himself, since according to you, Fai never answers his phone."

"And?" Watanuki prompted, leaning towards the older boy.

"They're coming here for dinner," Doumeki said with a shrug. "I just said that no one knows, Kimihiro."

Watanuki punched Doumeki's arm half-heartedly, rather unwilling to admit that he had expected Kurogane to know something, despite the fact that he had been just as surprised as Fai to learn that Sakura and Shaoran had gone missing. It was an odd feeling, knowing that even those who were older than he was were helpless in this situation. "Well, Fai and Sakura-chan are close, so I thought, maybe…"

Doumeki simply reached out and took Watanuki's hand in his own, leaning back a little so he could look at Clow around the younger boy; "He said that they may not be where we think they would go, but rather where Syaoron himself liked to go," he continued.

"Well, that makes sense. I guess I'll go speak to their parents again and see if she's messaged them," Clow replied, standing. He handed Watanuki money for their meal, frowning thoughtfully; "Give those two my regards, and tell Fai that he needs to stop by the station later."

"Good luck," Watanuki replied somberly, despite the fact that he was trying to get Doumeki to relinquish his hold on his hand by shaking it fiercely.

"Oi."

Watanuki could have sworn he heard Doumeki snicker as he suddenly quit trying to shake the elder's hand off. He flushed, turning his head away from the archer; "What?!" he demanded stiffly.

"Let's move to a booth," he said simply. Doumeki dropped Watanuki's hand as he stood and picked up his plate, leaving Watnuki gaping and hurriedly explaining to Caldina where they were moving.

"You could just ask first," Watanuki whined, having caught up to the elder.

Doumeki shrugged, looking out the window idly; "Where do you think they went?"

Watanuki sighed, sliding into the booth next to his boyfriend. He arranged his plate and cup quietly, trying to align them just so with the edge of the table. He didn't know. He didn't want to think about it. Everything was falling apart, and he felt so empty and tired—he didn't want to be out even looking for them. He wanted to curl into Doumeki's side and just sleep. "I don't know," he whispered, feeling the familiar warm creep of tears inch up his throat; "I don't want to know."

Doumeki reached up and covered Watanuki's hand with his own, and this time, the younger didn't try to shake it off; "If you want to cry, that's fine."

"No it's not." Watanuki reached up and scrubbed at his eyes with his free hand; "How could they do that—I don't understand, don't they know that they're not the only ones who are hurt?!"

The archer remained silent as he squeezed Watanuki's hand, allowing the younger boy the time he needed to control himself again.

**XxXxXxX**

"I have to go."

Yukito looked up from his reading, frowning; "No, you don't," he said quietly. He laid his book down on the sheets, folding his hands in his lap as he surveyed his boyfriend's worried pacing.

Touya shook his head, turning mid-stride to move back towards his desk where his keys and jacket lay. "I have to go find her."

"You don't," Yukito repeated. "It won't help anything if you go out on a wild-goose chase for her."

"Yuki, I can't just sit here while she's missing and all that's left is some vague text message," the taller boy pleaded stubbornly. His hands hovered over his keys for a moment before he turned and resumed pacing back and forth. "I can't do anything. _Damn_."

"Come here, then." Yukito shifted slightly on the bed to make room for Touya; "The best thing you can do is wait here for her, while your parents are gone at the station. And when she comes back—"

"What if she _doesn't_," Touya retorted harshly, taking on a tone he never used on Yukito or his family, but rather reserved for customers who were acting out or those who had dared make his little sisters cry when they were younger. "What then?"

"Sakura-chan will come back," Yukito said serenely, barely bothered by Touya's temper. He'd long go accepted his boyfriend's helpless sister-complex, and he went along with it because he had a soft spot for Sakura himself. He could remember how Touya was before Tsubasa died, and remembered how much the boy had changed afterwards. He couldn't blame his boyfriend for flying into a restless fury whenever Sakura was in the slightest hint of danger. "She knows what that would do to you and your parents."

The dark-haired teen paused, glaring at his boyfriend for a long moment before sighing heavily. "You're right."

Yukito smiled softly despite his own worry. "Don't scold her too much when she comes back, either," he advised, "Let her know that you were worried and that she has a place to come back to even when she feels lost. Thank her for the message that she sent you, for telling you that she was at least safe."

Touya sat down beside Yukito as he shook his head; "They just make me so uneasy, though," he muttered, resting his head against the slighter boy's shoulder.

"Who, Sakura-chan and Shaoran?"

Touya made a noncommittal noise as Yukito slid his arms around him, face set into a worried frown. "Not just him… but the entire group… Maybe I'm just imagining things, but they all make me uneasy..."

**XxXxXxX**

"Do you mind going straight to Clover for dinner?"

Fai paused his idle humming, turning his gaze from the window of Kurogane's car to the elder, shaking his head. "There's nothing in my things that can't stay in the car," he said, "And I'm sort of hungry anyway."

"Sort of?" Kurogane laughed as he ruffled Fai's hair. To be honest, the blonde's earlier fit still left him highly unsettled; he had never seen the boy's personality shift so rapidly. Before, Fai's moods were slow, like the ebb and flow of the tide. He would slowly become less and less gregarious as he sank into the mire of his darkness, until all that was left were short tempered screams and sobs.

"I'm looking more forward to cake than food," Fai laughed, ducking away from Kurogane's hand.

"Idiot," Kurogane muttered fondly, turning his attention from Fai to driving to the diner.

Fai went back to looking out the window, pulling one knee up to his chest. Normally, it was just as easy to stay silent with Kurogane as it was to scream and yell and cry. Kurogane made things easier, more bearable—for that, Fai was thankful. But now he was struck with a sense of urgency that he couldn't quite form into words that weren't harsh and poisonous. He laid his head against the glass, the streets blurring past the corners of his eyes; "Kuro-sama, I'm sorry," he murmured slowly, once the scenery and silence had welled up within him until he could no longer stand it.

"There's nothing for you to be sorry for," Kurogane answered gruffly, glancing at the blonde from the corner of his eyes.

"But it sounded like I was blaming you… And I know you cared for him; it wasn't what I meant to say," Fai said mournfully. He closed his eyes, unwilling to meet Kurogane's eyes or even look at the man. "I just… I'm sorry."

"I cornered you, and you retaliated, that's all," Kurogane said softly. "But, Fai… You're not alone anymore."

Fai didn't answer, but instead resumed humming. Loving Kurogane was his greatest sin, the one indulgence that he bought with the expense of his own heart. He could feel the end coming in his bones, but he could not bear to give up Kurogane—not now that he'd finally admitted to himself how much it terrified him to be without the man. He couldn't ask that Kurogane give up everything with the vain hope that he could bring the man with him when the end came. It was far too selfish.

Kurogane reached out and laid a hand on Fai's shoulder, knowing that the blonde's silence held more than just a refusal to answer. Whatever it was that had Fai so terrified, he would stand by the boy, and he would be strong enough to protect him. Slowly, the quiet song that Fai hummed became words that became a song. The words came in broken verses interspersed with simple vocalizations when the words wouldn't come.

"…_Daylight dies,  
Black out the sky—  
Does anyone care?  
Is anybody there?  
Take this life— empty inside,  
I'm already dead:  
I'll rise to fall again…  
I can feel you falling away,  
No longer the lost, no longer the same—  
And I can see you starting to break—  
I'll keep you alive  
If you show me the way  
Forever and ever  
The scars will remain…" _

The first time Kurogane had ever heard Fai compose had been before they were even dating, in the time between meeting and their first date. The blonde had offered to teach him guitar then, and when Kurogane thought back to that moment, he recognized it as the moment that Fai had put him completely under his spell. Since that day last December, Kurogane had heard the beginnings of hundreds of songs, from the beginning when they were just a phrase the blonde had whispered over and over in his sleep or a idle brush against the guitar to heated instructions and a flurry of Xeroxed sheet music to the point where Fai would step up on stage and pour his soul into the music. Each song was a fragment of the blonde's heart; Kurogane imagined that if he gathered them all, every melodic whisper and furiously scratched-in note, he could put them into place and understand everything that was Fai's.

Kurogane had long resigned himself to the fact that he was not the one who knew Fai the most intimately—he could trace his fingers over every arch and dip of the blonde's body, cover him with kisses and make love to him until the world ended, he could speak until his voice went hoarse with the truth, and he could chase after the blonde until his legs wore away, but he would not be the one who knew all of what made Fai _Fai_.

It hurt to know this, but he'd decided not to push it; when Fai wanted him to know, Fai would let him know. And Fai's songs did just that. They were the scattered feathers of a bird taken far beyond its limits; if gathered and sought after, they would eventually lead to the whole.

Kurogane swept his thumb over Fai's shoulder softly, waiting until the melody of his voice quieted. "Fai, I won't die, I promise," he said finally.

Fai looked up at Kurogane, noticing for the first time that between their conversation and his song, they had arrived at Clover. "Kuro-sama," he murmured, "People die easily… It's hard to stay alive… Don't promise that unless—unless you're willing to live."

"I will live for you," Kurogane promised as his face settled into a bemused scowl.

"Kurogane," Fai said after a long moment, looking towards the diner where his friends sat. "There's a lot I've lied about."

"I know."

"I've lied to _you_."

"I _know_. But I don't think you would involve yourself with me lightly."

"…would you accept everything I tell you? Would you?"

"I would."

Fai frowned and met Kurogane's gaze, his uninjured hand coming to rest on the elder's cheek; "Even if it meant that you would have to leave your strength and your life behind?"

Kurogane put his hand over Fai's; "Strength isn't something you can leave behind. I made up my mind a long time ago, you know, just where I chose to make my life—with you."

Fai leaned forward and gently kissed the elder; "I still think you're a fool for not running when you could… but that's what I love the most, I think," he laughed shyly as he pulled away.

Kurogane reached out and pulled Fai into another kiss, letting Fai's hand fall from his cheek to his shirt. "I may be a fool, but what are you?" he asked teasingly, finally relinquishing the blonde.

Fai slipped out of the car, smiling to himself as he waited for Kurogane to follow him. He kicked his heels against the curb, leaning against a parking meter. "Just the run-of-the-mill idiot," he chuckled, "That's me."

Kurogane clicked his tongue in slight scorn—Fai was anything but 'run-of-the-mill', but he kept his thoughts to himself as he fed his change into the meter. "Just an idiot, huh?"

"You're not supposed to _agree_ with me!" Fai wailed in mock indignation, slipping his arm through Kurogane's.

"I don't lie, either," Kurogane replied in his normal blunt fashion, rolling his eyes as he dragged Fai along with him into the restaurant. With that one simple conversation, they'd managed to build a bridge together. And things changed.

They found Watanuki easily in the small diner, and ordered their meal as if nothing was wrong with the world around them. The only mentions of their current situation came in quiet fretting over Fai's ever-darkening bruises and how red his eyes were from crying.

Kurogane watched uneasily as Watanuki and Fai laughed and joked like they normally did. At one point, he drew his eyes from Fai long enough to meet Doumeki's gaze, his own expression mirrored on the archer's face.

Finally, the end came. They could not pretend forever, even though both Watanuki and Fai were so skilled in the subtleties of avoiding their own pain.

"Fai… Clow said that you needed to stop by the station," Watanuki murmured as Fai worked at demolishing the huge piece of cake that Kurogane had promised him earlier.

Fai paused, face contorting slightly in pain. The chocolate in his mouth soured, and he could barely bring himself to swallow it past the lump in his throat. "Oh. Now?"

"No, I… I think he's busy right now. But… it's about your accident."

"… I see," the blonde said quietly, setting his fork down on his plate. He dropped his eyes, suddenly very interested in the whorls of the wooden table. He had hoped that the conversation would not drift towards this subject that was so close to Syaoron's death. He did not want to think about it. He did not even want to acknowledge that it had occurred. It chilled him thoroughly, to think that he was so close to having caused this sort of pain himself. It made him sick. It made him angry.

Watanuki fidgeted, hands twisting at his napkin in his lap. "Fai, are you okay?" He had to know; it was selfish, but if the answer was anything but yes… he couldn't cope with it. It was too much pain, it was too many tears.

"No," Fai said flatly, "But neither are you. But that's why we have to do our best when Sakura-chan comes back."

**XxXxXxX**

How had it gotten to this point? Koryo was supposed to be a quiet town; a safe town. In all of his years of being a detective and an officer , Clow had never known it to be anything but the sleepy haven of suburbia it had been when he and his wife had decided to settle down from their previous "occupations".

But slowly, bit by bit, the sleepy town awoke. Its most jealously guarded secrets had begun to stir a little over a decade ago when two of his dearest friends had disappeared without a trace, leaving their young son behind. They had worked with them in his previous life, back when his own prowess for making people disappear into everyday life had him renowned as an almost-magician. He had thought that the programmer and his wife had found a better, and safer, life in Koryo as employees of a then-expanding toy company headed by two of the town's citizens—and while the police had officially ruled their disappearance as a freak accident, Clow knew better.

So he and Yuuko had fought to adopt their son in the absence of a concrete will and their bodies. They knew the true reason why Kimihiro's name did not match his parent's, and he was grateful that his son had never asked. It was a truth that was just too big for words and a truth that would endanger them all.

He had hoped that their disappearance would be the end of it; but years later, the Suwas were murdered in their home. Their son had been forced to watch. Zima and Dita Suwa ran the very same company that Minoru had worked for all those years ago. The weight of the murder had doubled in meaning by that one simple fact.

Clow knew a conspiracy when he saw one. He knew the feel of it, the sight of it, and he knew just which strings to pull to make sure that the young Suwa boy did not know the details of what had happened to his parents' killer: It was kinder, in a strange, sick, and twisted way to let him think that his one strike with a pipe had killed the man than to let him know about the web of lies and schemes his life had suddenly become ensnared in. He had taken the boy into his care and kept a careful eye over Koryo ever since that night, carefully dipping his fingers back into a world he thought he'd left behind.

Something was brewing in the sleepy town bordered by desert sands, and Clow did not like it one bit. Involving innocent children in adult affairs that were better kept in the dark did not bode well with his conscience. And so, under his and Yuuko's careful watch, Koryo had once again slept. He'd made sure of it—with both Kimihiro and Kurogane under his and Yuuko's careful eyes, the danger lessened.

And then he'd gotten the call— it was the call he'd dreaded he would get the moment that Minoru and Yuzuki had vanished into thin air. He was needed. His wife was needed. It was the reason why that surprised him:

They were to do nothing more but watch and gather information, and make occasional reports regarding the safety of the boy that was moving to Koryo. He was young, the same age as the son they had adopted in the wake of the first stirrings of the town's secrets, but troubled far beyond his age. He was manic, he was fatalistic, and he needed to be kept in check.

Clow was going to refuse, but he saw it. He could see the pattern to it, the web of fate that connected that boy to his son to the Suwa boy, and could see how, just maybe, a quiet life could change that pattern for the better. It was time for him to once again work his own magic from the shadows.

He sighed, his breath billowing out in front of him like smoke only to be whipped away by the night wind. He was tired; he'd been up for longer than forty-eight hours now, but at least things were settling down in Koryo once again.

"So why did you call me here, of all places, Reed?"

Clow turned at the sound of Ohjiro Mihara's rather irritated voice; he hadn't heard the rather cumbersome door open due to the white noise caused by the night wind. He smiled, leaning back against the concrete barrier at the edge of the room, "Because no one would think twice about another couple of visitors in such a place. This is the only hospital for two towns; people come and go as they please," he answered.

"I have my own job to attend to; I can't go running around catering to _your _wills as well," the younger man said with a scowl, letting the metal door slam behind him as he stalked up to the small bench a few feet from where Clow stood. "So why did you ask me here?"

"Why do you think?" Clow asked amiably as he moved to settle next to Ohjiro.

The man sighed, dropping his head into his hands to rub his temples exasperatedly. "That boy."

"That child has a name."

Ohjiro shot Clow a scathing look at the gentle castigation, then leaned back, head tipped back over the edge of the bench. "He has several. His favorite to use is Fai, spelling pending." He closed his eyes, dreading the conversation that was to come.

"Surely you've figured out by now that I'm not as retired as I once was," Clow said lightly, "So I'll ask you this: What is the situation?"

And there it was. Once again he was nothing but a second-rate at his job, the thing he loved doing more than anything. Except… maybe now he wasn't quite as fond of it as he had once been. "There's not officially a situation yet. As far as my superiors know, he's still safe. I kept my promise to him at the cost of his life and heart."

"It's not wrong to want to make him happy."

The soft reminder was almost whipped away in the wind and the sound of the rooftop garden's rustling. Ohjiro reached into his coat pocket at pulled out a cigarette, idly putting it to his lips without lighting it. "I assume you want to know the unofficial situation, then?" he continued without prompt.

"Of course," Clow replied easily, "I want to know what exactly was brought upon my town by his arrival and _why_ it was so necessary to draw myself and my wife out of our new lives to deal with it."

"He asked to leave the safehouse," Ohjiro answered, finally pulling himself back into a sitting position. He lit his cigarette after a moment of fumbling with his lighter, drawing in a long breath before sighing. "…We didn't think we were locking him up in a new, gilded cage… he just wasn't allowed free reign. Someone was always with him—we always knew where he was, what he was doing if he left our sight… You see… For a long time he wasn't able to go outside or interact with people without breaking down into fits. He couldn't adapt. So he was isolated for a while, and slowly introduced to his new life in bits and pieces. He got moved around a lot; we couldn't find a stable place for him to live, and it was hard on him, the endless rotations of foster homes.

"He couldn't handle it, and in the end, he wound up in the hospital. One of our newer agents came into contact with him, and she adored him—she begged me to let her take care of him. We let her, even though she had no training in our protocol and had never been a foster parent before. She was the only one besides me who ever got a reaction out of him when he was in one of his relapses and he was mute, you know? Of course we bloody let her!" Ohjiro shook his head in frustration as he held back a sigh.

"Anyway," he continued, "It was a slow transition: First it was just the two of us in that house we'd provided for them, and then once Fai had become accustomed to it, Misaki moved in. She began to homeschool him, and I would leave the two of them for a while, until I was able to come and go without him being triggered. After that, she would let him go outside and play until it was safe for him to walk around the block with her. Slowly, we normalized his life."

"And he asked to leave?"

"We worked hard, Misaki and I, to give him a place that was safe. He says we locked him up lik his father did… But we tried so hard to keep him safe, but give him something normal… He had choices—we always let him chose the smallest things, because we'd taken away so many of the big ones," the younger man said in frustration, cigarette shaking between his fingers. "I used to think—how could someone do that to a child? How an adult could look a child in their eyes and take away their childhood and innocence, and the choice saved for the person they loved the most…It's beyond me. And as Yu…_Fai _grew older, I realized that I… I was just as bad as his father had been."

"We'd kept him caged up like some ornamental bird, for our own purposes. We weren't normalizing him so that he could grow up and lead a fairly ordinary life, but because we needed him slightly sane for the courts. We weren't keeping him away from other children because he couldn't handle it, but because we were afraid that our cover would be blown. I couldn't deal with that sort of revelation. I handed his care completely over to Misaki." Ohjiro shook his head, and drew a long breath. He closed his eyes in thought, obviously lost in the memories.

Clow gave a noncommittal murmur to show that he was still listening, still interested in the story, but Ohjiro remained silent. "And then?" he prompted.

"We moved him once afterwards, to a larger city where one more troubled youth wouldn't make too much of a difference, where he could blend into the background even if he happened to break down. We enrolled him in school in the hopes that he'd make friends, and live more than the hollow half-life we'd placed him in… But it was too late for that. Maybe it was because of being moved so much when he was younger, or maybe he sensed our guilt, but he saw it as a punishment. That he'd done something wrong, so we'd moved him again—uprooting Misaki's life with his own."

"You see, around that time, Misaki had begun to date one of the agency's trainers, a martial artist named Koutarou… he couldn't come with us when we moved. Not right away, at least. Fai picked up on the fact that Misaki missed him, and while she would never dream of blaming him, that child has never had any qualms at blaming himself for things he wasn't responsible for."

"So what happened?" Clow asked, puzzled. The Fai that he knew was troubled, yes, but he was far from the isolated boy that Ohjiro was describing.

"He went to school, distanced himself from Misaki and from myself when I visited. He'd always had a special gift for music, ever since he'd first entered our program… His father had taught him piano, he said. His mother had taught him to sing. He picked up the violin in his first foster home, after hearing someone play it on a crowded street corner on the way home from court. The only thing he ever asked of us was safety and music. I've bought him instruments, manuals, drafting books, strings, tuners… Anything he asked for. We moved him to Jade in the winter; the snow made him so cold that he would not even move his fingers to play the piano we'd brought along. He would not pick up his bow. He withdrew. He made no friends."

"One day, he came tearing out of his room, a wild look in his eyes," Ohjiro murmured, snuffing out his cigarette on the edge of the bench. He slipped the butt of it back into the small box in his lap, eyes sliding shut. Clow knew the memory was playing behind his eyes, better recorded than any home movie in the younger man's mind. "I'd come for tea with Misaki, who'd called me near in tears because her beloved Fai would not talk to her anymore. He raced down the stairs so quickly that we thought the devil himself was after him. He ran straight into her lap, and threw his arms around her and begged for a trip to the music store."

"What was he after?" Clow laughed, having experienced a few scenes like that between himself and Watanuki. He was more easily beguiled into trips and treats than his wife, and so Kimihiro came to him the most.

"A guitar. He'd heard a song on the radio that he'd liked so much that he decided he had to learn how to play the guitar. That's when we realized that his mania went farther than sheer stubbornness. We let him have it, we let him ignore the rest of the world for a long time, and we continued as we always had. …I thought it was as close to a life he would have, you know? I thought we'd chosen a safe place for him, but… the letters started coming."

"…From his father?"

"Yeah. At first they were small things. Threats. Or pictures from the newspapers from the trial. Little bits and pieces from his old life. Misaki and I kept them far away from Fai. We started preparing for the worse, prepping everything for another move. One day Misaki got hurt—one of the letters had been addressed to her and not Fai, and she opened it without thinking. It had razors in it; it was petty and juvenile, but it was enough to make Fai notice."

Clow watched as Ohijro folded his hands together in his lap, eyes opening slowly to the sky above them. "Surely, knowing that man… he knew that his letters weren't reaching his son because of us, so he sent something to draw the boy out. Even now, he's doing the same thing."

"The calls?"

"From relatives, from himself. Slowly, so that he wears down and breaks again. I don't know what his plan is, but he knows how to get his son's attention."

"But what about the woman who was taking care of him, Misaki?"

"It was nothing big," Ohjiro repeated quietly, shaking his head, "Nothing lasting. She didn't even scar; but Fai found out, and he went and looked for the letters. He waited for the next one… He blamed himself, and…"

"He was angry, wasn't he?"

"I'd never seen him so livid in my life," the younger man whispered, falling still. "It put every other fit he'd ever had to shame. I never knew someone so small could be angry like that. He screamed and cried and threw things. He made himself sick from screaming. To this day… I don't know who he was more angry at—us, for keeping this from him; his father, for sending them… or himself… for simply being born. That's why when he asked us… When he asked to leave, I let him."

Clow bent forward and picked up the water-bottle he'd set down next to the base of their bench, the crackle of plastic cutting through the tense silence between them. He could see it in his mind's eye—he'd dealt with children so angry at the world for having been born that they seemed to swell twice their size in their fury, screaming curses and insults so that they could feel the retribution they felt they deserved. It was a trick for the helpless, a pleading cry for help. Perhaps what Fai had needed at that point was not the liberty that he thought he wanted, but rather a pair of arms to wrap themselves around his body and hold him close and safe. "When he asked to leave, what did he say?"

"He told Misaki that he was sorry he'd kept her and Koutarou from being married, and that she didn't have to watch over him anymore… but to me? …He said he'd had enough of running away from his father. That we hadn't kept him safe like we'd promised, and he was tired of the half-life we'd offered him in return. I begged him for another chance; I told him what I tell him now, that people need him… That he is the only one who can stop his father. He doesn't care, he just wants an end. …He doesn't know… how far it goes. He doesn't know how much he can change… or he doesn't care."

"And how far _does_ this go?" Clow asked, unscrewing the lid from his water. He watched as Ohjiro shifted nervously, obviously uncomfortable with the question. He handed the bottle to the other man, watching him as he drank deeply in appreciation. "Ohijro, you owe me an explanation, at the least. Tell me how far this goes," he pressed again. "Tell me what you've gotten my family involved in."

Finally, Ohjiro answered, voice barely audible: "…Tell me, have you ever heard of Infinity?"

**XxXxXxX**

Sakura tossed her shoes aside. The sand was cold and damp against her feet, but it was better than getting it in her socks and finding sand for months afterwards. In her pocket, her cell phone felt like a burning stone, an act of betrayal. "Shaoran-kun," she said sadly, walking up to where her boyfriend sat. Around them, the wind blew and whipped the waves into foam. The air around her was icy, and Sakura was thankful for the coat she had over her shoulders. She had woken up with it tucked over her body in the car, with Shaoran gone and the ocean waves echoing around her.

Shaoran looked at her briefly, then back at the horizon. He sat with his arms around his knees, as if he were protecting himself from something. But the worst blow had already been delivered, and no shield could have kept it away. He was simply keeping the wound from growing larger, from letting his life seep out of him in waves of grief and anger. "I can't go any further," he said finally. "This was it."

"Even if we could go farther, we wouldn't be able to find them," Sakura said quietly. "Don't chase after a reality that can't exist anymore, Shaoran-kun."

"What else am I supposed to do—?! They're _gone _and the one thing we could have stopped, we didn't!" Shaoran brought his fist down into the sand in anger.

Sakura slid down to sit beside the boy, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear before it blew back into her face. "…Fuuka wouldn't want us to be sad," she murmured. "Or blame ourselves. It's so twisted, the way everything turned out and fell apart, but he… that's what made him the happiest. That's what he chose to do."

"So you're content in letting them go, living the rest of your life in Koryo without them?"

Sakura sighed, shaking her head, "Being just content wouldn't satisfy me. Shaoran-kun, I'm tired of being in mourning, not letting them rest… What would they say if they saw us like this? I'm tired, and I want to be happy. Not just for me, but I want to be happy enough for Tsubasa and Fuuka too, even if it means that I have to be punished one day." She fell silent, choosing not to continue until after her companion's tears had eased. She leaned gently against Shaoran, closing her eyes. "Surely Shaoran-kun wants to be happy for Fuuka too, right?"

Shaoran brought his hands from the sand, streams of it flowing out from his fists. He opened his fingers and stared out at his palms; "I never realized how much he suffered. Because of my own selfishness… Not only him, but you too," he said in anguish, eyes closing against a fresh wave of tears. He wished the pounding behind his eyes would stop and the tears would cease, that someone—anyone—could take mercy upon his being and simply rip his heart from his chest. But he was all that remained of his brother, the other half of his existence—the only proof that a boy named Syaoron had existed in the world—then he could not die. Perhaps it would be kinder then for him to lose his soul, his consciousness, the one thing in his body that caused him to recognize this pain. "By the time I noticed, it was too late—too late… I would give anything to fix my own mistake. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy like that."

Sakura wrapped her arms tightly around Shaoran, shaking her head against his shoulder; "I don't care!" she cried finally, tears spilling down her face and soaking into the boy's shirt; "I don't—even if what you did, even if being born and living was a sin, I will bear it with you! Shaoran-kun—_Shaoran-kun_—if I could live the rest of my life with you, then I will bear any sin you have ever committed, it would make me glad to be punished, if only I could be with you always!" She gave a loud, trembling sob, fingers tight in Shaoran's shirt. "But if Shaoran-kun isn't happy, then it's worthless! I would do anything if it meant that you would find your own happiness!"

It was a long time before Shaoran folded his hands around Sakura's, their fingers cold and trembling against the other's. When they looked back on that one moment, it was hard for them to say if that had been the moment they had decided to grow past their sorrows and guilt, or if it had been a decision that had been slowly growing in the back of their minds: one that had been unfurling itself in their hearts like a flower growing from the snow, their intertwined fingers the first moment that color had burst from the frozen bud.

Although Sakura knew that Shaoran had chosen to restart his life beside her, she knew that what had been broken would never be completely fixed. It would take a long time for Shaoran to get over this pain—it would take her a while too—but the decision to live and to be happy didn't necessarily mean forgetting. She knew that the past would always haunt the boy she loved, just as it would always creep up beside her in the night. But she was okay with that, for the price of forgetting that past would be far more painful than the memories themselves. "It may be hard," she whispered, shivering in the cold breeze only once before Shaoran turned and drew her tightly into his chest.

"It doesn't matter; I promise I'll make you happy," Shaoran muttered stubbornly, causing Sakura to give her first smile in what felt like ages.

And so they sat in silence, simply holding onto each other as the waves crashed around them, the slowly rising tide the only indication that the world still turned after the choice that they had made together. Once the ocean began to lap at their feet, they stood, fingers still tightly clasped between them.

"I let nii-chan know where we were," Sakura said softly as they plodded their way up the beach and back to the car. "Before I came out to see you."

Shaoran nodded quietly, giving the girl's hand a soft squeeze; "I figured you had," he said quietly. "…Or actually, I had hoped you did."

"What do you mean?"

"Telling Touya-san where you are decreases the odds that I'll be murdered in cold blood for taking you off somewhere without his knowledge," Shaoran said, completely serious.

Sakura blinked, then shook her head, peals of helpless laughter echoing through the air. "Onii-chan wouldn't actually hurt you!" she giggled, though she wondered if that were entirely true for this particular transgression. She watched as Shaoran's face shifted from surprised, to guilty, then to a quiet smile that spoke of both intense sadness and relief. She felt the same momentary grief at finding herself suddenly so light hearted. She dropped her eyes to her feet and wiggled her toes; the look on Shaoran's face made her heart break with the love she held for him and reminded her that he had the exact same feelings for her as well. "…In any case, he didn't sound mad."

"That's good, then," Shaoran said lightly, "Because I don't really have an excuse for myself this time."

"I'm the one who went along," Sakura said, obviously pouting now. The boy beside her gave a soft chuckle and pushed her gently towards the passenger side of the car, finally relinquishing her hand.

"Not that your brother could ever see that past his complex," he said with a leer. "It's a wonder that Tsukishiro even can tolerate it."

Sakura met his eyes and even though that same quiet sadness was still there in his mismatched eyes, it felt like a weight had been lifted from both of their hearts. She launched herself at her childhood friend and boyfriend and the one she loved above even her own self and awarded him a delighted and shy kiss.

Perhaps, she thought, this was what Syaoron had wanted most of all: to set the four of them free. It would take time, and the grief would never be gone… but maybe now, they were finally free.

**XxXxXxX**

Kurogane's apartment turned out to be a two-level townhouse. A small home carved in between families and college students in a not-quite new, but not ancient, development. It was even a gated community—a card and a code were required to gain entrance. There was even a little guardhouse with an actual guard, whom Kurogane awkwardly introduced Fai to so he could be granted entrance into the 'community'. There were woods. There was a small retention pond that had been dolled up into a lake. Ducks. Familes. It was a five minute walk to the high school, and only a five minute drive to get to Koryo's main square. It astonished Fai—he hadn't expected something like this from the elder.

It took him a moment to remember that horrible fight they'd had back in August: Kurogane was, in fact, a rich kid.

In any case, this was not an apartment, or even somewhere to simply eke out a life between school and meals— this was a _home_. A place that was built, designed, painted, and meant to be made into a _home_. And Kurogane wanted him there. It was terrifying and infinitely flattering.

"Kurogane, this… this is…" Fai breathed, kicking his shoes off at the small entryway. Next to him, was an opening to the small, cozy kitchen; the wide living room area opened up before him.

It was arranged differently and sized differently, but the color schemes, the furniture, even the feel was infinitely the same. He felt a dizzying sense of déjà vu, feeling so at home in a place as warm and comforting as this. It seemed as if Kurogane carried home with him. Fai was convinced that no one but himself understood this—no matter where Kurogane was, that was home for Fai.

Kurogane rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, nudging Fai's shoes out of his way with his toe. "…It's a bit big for me," he admitted, glaring out at the back door that led to a small concrete porch and backyard with ample trees and shrubbery. Perfect for a dog or cat, Tomoyo pointed out when they'd toured the 'apartment', or even for nighttime dinners or small parties or meteor showers (Kurogane had to shut her up at this point, having been sickened by the possibilities that could have been his life with Fai here).

"A bit?" Fai mumbled, still feeling slightly overwhelmed at just how at home he felt, even though he was just a guest.

"It's only two bedrooms," Kurogane was quick to point out, feeling like he was suddenly being judged for a crime he hadn't been aware of committing. "…I know you… you don't really… you're not fond of money," he muttered, "But Sonomi insisted that we… live in a more home-like place."

"Only my father's money," Fai reminded Kurogane gently. He tentatively padded past Kurogane onto the carpeted floor of the living area, looking around. There were the mind teaser puzzles he fidgeted with when he couldn't sleep. He could remember fiddling with them in the dark on the sofa, lips pursed in concentration. He could never quite solve them; Kurogane always woke before he could fit that last piece into place. The elder would creep behind him, strong arms winding around his shoulders gently. He would lean forward and press his nose to Fai's hair and cover the blonde's hands with his own, helping him turn the last few corners until the puzzle was completed. 'Come back to bed,' he'd whisper. A shiver ran up Fai's back at the memory.

There was the photo collection. Without a mantle, they had been hung on walls with such precision that Fai knew that Tomoyo had once again been Kurogane's decorator. Pictures of his parents, himself, his team… Some were familiar and old to Fai. Some were new. A picture of him with Tomoyo and Ameterasu. One of him with Clow. A shot that had to be candid—Fai never knew it even existed—of him and the rest of the Gothix at practice. There were even a few of him with Kurogane. Laughing. Smiling. A few candid pictures of them holding hands, or with Kurogane and Sakura laughing, with him and Shaoran glaring. Of Watanuki shouting with Fai. Their life, neat, in frames on Kurogane's wall. Immortalized.

Proof, at last, that what Fai had in Koryo was real. "When… when did you get these?"

"They were Tomoyo's housewarming present," Kurogane said from behind him. He gently tapped the glass of the central picture, of the both of them lounging on the beach together, hands and arms entwined, asleep. Their heads were perfectly rested against the other, soft half-smiles playing across their lips. "This is my favorite one. She'd been sneaking pictures for ages, hoarding them from her own collection… or Sakura's, in this case."

"Sakura-chan took this one?"

"Yeah. So in a way, it was her gift too."

Fai paused, turning to look at Kurogane quizzically. The elder was staring at the collection with a sort of sad look of half-longing, and Fai was struck suddenly with the realization that Kurogane was lonely. He'd been all alone in a new apartment that was made to become a home, with only pictures to keep him company. "Kuro-sama," he said softly, "I… I may stay longer than a week."

Kurogane smirked softly, "We'll see." He reached out and mussed Fai's hair, careful of the various bruises and bandages that seemingly held the blonde together.

Fai smiled back shyly, feeling his cheeks flush.

"Come on, I'll show you the upstairs," Kurogane said, hand trailing softly from Fai's hair to the back of his neck, where his fingers rested briefly. He rubbed his thumb against the soft skin at the nape of Fai's neck once, then pulled his hand away, moving past the sitting area to the back of the townhouse only a few steps away. "Both of the bedrooms are upstairs. There's a half-bath right there," he informed the musician, pointing to a door a few feet from the entryway; "But the shower and stuff is upstairs."

Fai shuffled along behind Kurogane, toes digging into the soft carpet. He trudged off the stairs, peering both ways down a small hallway landing. Two doors rest on either side of the landing, with one in the middle. He looked around Kurogane into the room that was open, revealing Kurogane's room. It was still decorated in the same colors, the same sheets… It was dizzyingly like the room in the apartment they had left. But the bed was in a different place. The desk was in the wrong corner… But it was the _same_. It also happened to be a wreck. "So Kuro-sama doesn't clean without me?"

Kurogane flushed and stepped between Fai and the view to his room. "Er—I've been busy lately," he grumbled, reaching out to put his hands on Fai's shoulders. He turned the boy, and pushed him towards the other door at the end of the landing. "That way's the guest room—your room," he added hesitantly, the last words forming an almost question.

Fai swallowed, hearing the words that he knew Kurogane's heart was screaming—the elder was begging him silently, _please stay, please stay!_. Fai reached forward at the doorway, hand hovering over the knob. He closed his fingers around the cold metal and pushed the door open.

This room was different. It was decorated in rich plum and cream, a set that he vaguely remembered that Kurogane had received from Tomoyo the Christmas they had started dating. Kurogane never used it, even though Fai had later found it and wanted to. Kurogane had set it away, grumbling about how he didn't understand why Tomoyo kept getting him things in fancy colors—black was fine for décor— and that he'd put it to use later, for a better occasion than just because it looked pretty to someone. Perhaps when his own sheets fell apart.

The blonde stepped forward, settling himself onto the bed. He looked around, noticing small things like the boxes in the closet, carefully taped away and labeled "Fai's" and "Winter" in Tomoyo's very precise script. Yes. It fit for him to be packed away with the winter things: He was cold and bitter and dead like winter.

He looked to Kurogane, who stood in the doorway with a pensive, blazing expression. If Fai was winter, Kurogane was spring, where things flourished under sudden heat, its touches bringing even the deadest of nature back to life. How else could it be that Fai came with every intention of never staying, yet after only ten minutes in the small house, he felt like he was home and never wanted to leave?

_Maybe my winter can melt_, Fai thought.

"I love it," he said, face alight. He meant it.

* * *

**A/N:**_ There really was no way to trim down the whole 'thirty pages that only spans a day and a half' nonsense that went down in here. So it goes, I guess. _

"Castle of Glass"- Linkin Park  
"Give Me a Sign"- Breaking Benjamin


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